Porcelain

by Juul

Chapter 21: Thoughts

"It's so weird," Kohaku said once more. Sango looked at him with concern. "That shouldn't be my first memory."

"Kohaku," said Sango, trying to find words to comfort him, "we're all different; we're all unique."

"Yeah, I know, but why would I be in a courtyard? I know I'm a human, so I had to have been a baby sometime, but I don't remember any of that, and I don't remember our parents. That's weird, isn't it?" Kohaku explained.

Sango was getting nervous. She was runnning out of things to tell him. "It's a little strange, but... maybe you just have bad memory or something. It's not that uncommon."

Kohaku decided to just drop the subject and he agreed with Sango. That's it, he told himself, I have bad memory. That's all.

Sango patted him on the head and smiled. "Enough about that," she said. "Hey, I'm gonna sleep for a little bit, I'm kinda tired."

Kohaku looked a little dissappointed. "I'm sorry, was I bothering you?"

"No!" said Sango. "Not at all! You could never bother me!" Kohaku smiled. "How about you go to the well and wait for Kagome with Inuyasha and Kaede?"

"Okay," said Kohaku. "Shall I take Kirara?"

Sango nodded. The little demon cat mewed and ran to Kohaku's side.

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Kagura heard Kohaku and Sango wrap up their conversation. Her eyes widened with fear. I had better get out of here. Hopefully they won't find out I was listening. She sprinted towards Inuyasha's tree and climbed up into it and pretended she was asleep.

The demoness opened her eyes just enough to see Kohaku running with Kirara towards the well.

He doesn't seem to remember too much from being at Naraku's. Kagura smiled at the thought. The kid's fine. It's not him I'm worried about, it's Sango. She's only okay when she's not alone. If she's left alone, with her thoughts... I just can't think about it.

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Sango stared up at the ceiling. It was so hard to keep her mind blank. So hard indeed. Everyone thought she was asleep. If they knew she was just thinking, they'd probably go nuts. As she laid there thinking and reflecting on everything that's happened, she had no clue that Kagura was outside still. As far as Sango knew, Kagura was long gone with Kohaku, Miroku and the others awaiting Kagome's return from the future.

I'm all alone. In more ways than one. Sango pulled the blanket off of her body a tiny bit, revealing a bandage wrapped around her chest.

Sango looked down at herself. I'm made of scars. I'm a million different pieces, but I've been sewn back together so many times... She saw her reflection in a pail of water beside her. She was unusually pale and had a few scratches on her face. A bruise or two was evident on her neck and shoulders.

What have I done? wondered Sango. What did I do to deserve this? Oh God, no! What have my friends done to deserve this?! Sango wanted to cry so bad, but she just couldn't. She felt as if she had used up every last drop of tears back at Naraku's castle. Poor Kohaku, he doesn't even have a decent older sister. How am I supposed to look after my little brother if I can't even take care of myself?

And what about Miroku? Surely even if he did want me before, he no longer wants me now. I'm definitely not the same girl I was before. I'm all messed up now, inside and out. I know I'll go crazy. Sooner or later. Or maybe I already have?

Sango sat up and looked out a window. The trees were bright and green and the branches and leaves shuffled around as a soft summer breeze went through them. By now, the sun was high in the sky. The taijiya sighed and hugged her knees to her chest. She rocked herself back and forth trying to think of something positive.

How can it be so beautiful and warm outside while I'm so ugly and cold?

For a brief moment, Sango remembered playing in the village with Kohaku when she was only ten years old. Of course, back then Kohaku was only five, and the village was still around, along with her father. Sango remembered very little of her mother; she had passed away almost exactly a year after Kohaku was born.

I'd give it all away just to go back to those times...

Then Sango thought of something else. Should I tell them? Should I really tell Kagome, Miroku and everyone what happened? She knew Kagura was getting bombarded with questions, and mentally thanked the wind demon for staying tight-lipped on anything that dealt with their stay with Naraku. She doesn't really show it, but I'm sure Kagura's getting annoyed.

Everyone IS pretty worried, I guess. The demon slayer felt another burden being placed on her shoulders; should she tell everyone the whole story?

But then she also remembered something else.

And don't forget, if you tell anyone about our little 'incidents,' you'll definitely pay, with more than your own life.

He couldn't have been serious, could he? How on earth could Naraku know if she told anyone or not? Does he have another spy?

No, Sango reassured herself, Kohaku's not under his control at all anymore, and Kagura's always been a free mind. Rouge? No, she's dead; she's been dead for a while... Certainly not Inuyasha, Miroku or Kagome. And Shippo of all people? Yeah right...

So maybe Naraku doesn't have a spy.

God, I'm so paranoid. Great, just what I need; to be paranoid. I'll all messed up.

After a while, her thoughts became too bothersome, and she decided to go outside. I've only been asleep for maybe half a day, but I can't stand this anymore. Sango carefully stood up and walked across the hut. She found her usual pink kimono and put it on. Somehow, just this reminded her of who she was.

Or more like who she once was.

Sango felt a little light-headed, but she'd manage. She's survived so far, right?

Some survivor I am, thought Sango as she stepped outside Kaede's hut and walked towards Inuyasha's tree. She sat down, leaning her back against the tree trunk What the hell? I must have done something wrong or have bad karma. Stuff always seems to fall to pieces around me. The village, my father, my brother, Naraku...

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!" Sango punched the ground, hard. Now she was starting to feel less depressed and more angry.

Finally, she was feeling every bit of sorrow turn into anger. Of course the sorrow and depression would return, but oh yes, the anger would stay a while.

I wish I could spar with someone right now, but I already know what they'd all say. "You're too weak, you need your rest."

"Kagome, what the hell is taking you so long?" asked Sango, to no one in particular.