Recap: House is trying to come up with a reason for Amber dating Wilson. For example to stay close to House, get her job back or whatever, or that she's messing with House. Later he stalks them on a date. He calls her the "anti-Wilson," [which I swear I didn't know when I wrote that in the previous chapter] and starts listing aspects of her personality that Wilson likes, comes to the realization that Wilson is sleeping with him, and leaves. He confronts Wilson again, he agrees with House about dating Amber because she's like him, House changes his mind and says she is needy because he fired her. House approaches Cuddy to break them up with the argument that Amber is needy and this relationship will fail just like the others, but she points out he's worried the relationship will succeed, but he doesn't need to be worried because he'll always be needy. House brings Amber in to see if she'll choose the job over Wilson. She chooses Wilson because he loves her and respects her. House gives Wilson his blessing.
Don't Ever Change
It wasn't a waste of time, making sure their motives were pure. I'd already accepted the fact that he really does like her. That didn't really come as a surprise to me. There was always hope, though. And while it was easier to believe that she's just manipulating him because of something to do with me...it doesn't mean I trust her, but I don't know what else I can do.
This is...pretty ridiculous, but a part of me wants him to love her because that means that he loves me. The one relationship that might actually work for him is with a woman who is, in many ways, just like me. He loves me.
I still wish he'd just love me and not her, but I take comfort in the fact that he's dating her for me. If I were a woman, it'd be me. If Wilson were a woman, it'd be me. Yeah, that makes more sense. He already blow-dries his hair.
He said it'd be a good idea. Us dating. He meant me being Amber, because he wouldn't like the sex if it were really me. I'd like the sex. I'm not attracted to him. As I've said earlier, that would be sick. But I acknowledge that he is attractive. And probably good in bed. Bonnie said he was. I kind of got lost for a minute. I lean more toward girls, but still. I wonder if Thirteen is more into guys or girls. Maybe she's in between. She freaked out for a second, when I asked if she did it both ways. It's great how many opportunities there are for medical terms to be a euphemism for sex. I winked at her. She probably didn't get that it was a "me too" wink. I don't usually do that kind of stuff. Or I'm not so subtle about it. But it is personal. And of course, if anyone really thought I was attracted to guys, who'd they automatically assume I'm in love with? And then news of nonexistent romantic feelings would spread to said object and he'd freak out and say that explains so much and then it would take a long time to calm him down. He might not even look at me the same again. That's dangerous. I can barely even convince myself I'm not in love with him, imagine how hard it'd be to convince him.
Does she really like him? The Cutthroat Bitch I know and hate would do anything to try and get her job back. Her cold soulless eyes did not light up with greed at my suggestion. Either she really does like him or she's even more manipulative than I thought. She said he loves her and respects her. But what about her? Does she love and respect him?
If she does, this could work. Which is a threat to the status quo of my relationship with Wilson but a comfort to my ego because it means he loves me. If she doesn't, she'll eventually leave. She'll break him. Then...he'll hate her. And part of him will hate me, but I'll be there for him. Like I was with the others. He's already moved in with her. Maybe if she rips his heart out and leaves him bleeding he'll come live with me again.
But I don't want a bleeding Wilson. I want a happy Wilson. I want a happy Wilson. I don't want someone else to have a happy Wilson.
But I don't want him to not be happy.
I want him to be happy with me, but that can't happen because he needs more and I can't give it to him. So the next best thing is for him to be happy with someone who's like me, who has a vagina and therefore can give him what he needs, and hopefully not cut me out of his life entirely.
Here's hoping.