A/N: Sorry it's been a while! But here we go and another one is already under way so shouldn't be such a long wait this time! Enjoy and let me know what you think! : )

Chapter 21

Mary shivered under thin sheets. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"Close your eyes all you want, awake or asleep you can't escape."

Mary's lips moved but no sound came out. She could hear her own words in her head. Go away, she thought, please, please, go away.

"You're never getting out of this place," the cold voice continued, "You're never going to be happy. I don't know why you want out so badly. You have nothing on the outside. No friends. Certainly no family."

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," Mary murmured, her body shaking more than ever.

A cold laugh filled her ears.

"You'll never see them. Your babies. They won't ever know your name. Or even your existence."

"Don't say that," Mary sobbed, "Please, don't ever say that."

"The boy talks now… his first word was mommy," a cold chuckle sounded, "to me, of course. The only mom he'll ever know."

Mary was crying now. She didn't remember getting out of the bed and she didn't have a clue where the knife came from. Her breathing was heavy and her hands shook as she faced her twin sister.

"Oh, what are you going to do now?" Jessica said mockingly.

Mary gripped the knife so tightly the handle dug into the palm of her hand.

Jessica leant closer, "You don't have the guts. You never did. You're pathetic."

The tears were streaming down Mary's face. She moved the hand holding the knife upwards but shaking so hard, she dropped it. She sunk down onto the bed.

"Knew it. You're as weak as ever."

Mary awoke feverishly. She ran her shaking hands through her damp hair. She kicked the covers off and headed for the shower. She stay in the shower, head leant again the tiled wall, for well over an hour.

As she waited for Charlotte to return, Mary spotted a bottle of pills in her daughters' handbag. Her fingers unconsciously began tapping on the table. Without thinking, she scooped the bottle out and read the label; Spencer Hastings. Hesitating for only the briefest moment, she pocketed the bottle and plastered on a smile in time for Charlotte's return to the table.

Spencer pulled up to the Lost Woods and parked haphazardly. Mary had never just not turned up when they had plans. She was worried. Who could blame her after everything they'd been through? She had a quick look around outside before making her way to the office. She turned the handle and frowned. They rarely locked up the office during the day.

"Mom?" she called as she fished out her key. She knocked on the door, not really waiting for an answer before unlocking the door and letting herself in. Her frown only deepened when she saw the older woman lain on the old couch in the back room.

Then she spotted the pill bottle. She picked it up; a lot lighter than when Charlotte had taken it from her a couple of weeks ago. An almost empty bottle of whiskey was knocked over besides the couch. Mary's arms were curled into her chest tightly.

Spencer rifled through the cupboards until she found a thin blanket and draped it over her sleeping mother.

Mary stirred slightly, pulling the blanket tightly around her, "Spencer," she rubbed her eyes, looking at the mess around her, "What are you doing here?" she started to sit up, "You shouldn't see me like this," she muttered.

"No," Spencer agreed, "But here we are. How did you get my pills? Did Charlotte give them to you?"

Mary looked aghast, "No, no of course not," she shook her head vigorously, "I… took them when she wasn't looking. Why did she have them – "

"She was trying to… protect me," Spencer said, with a shrug, "But I guess… well, full cycle."

Mary nodded then held her head.

"Why?" Spencer asked quietly, "I thought things were going pretty well. Did something happen?"

Mary looked at her daughters eyes; full of concern, "Things are going well… I just wanted the nightmares to stop," she whispered, "The thoughts…"

Spencer sighed, "I get that. Really, I do," she bit her lip, noting that her mother was avoiding eye contact, "But trust me, it doesn't help, it turns everything to crap… and I," she paused, "I really want you in my life but if you're going down this path – "

"I understand, " Mary whispered, "And I'm not. Going down this path," she said firmly, "It was a slip, a stupid slip. I just… the nightmares never stop. Sometimes it gets too much. I just need it to stop."

"Yeah, I know the feeling," Spencer murmured, "I still get nightmares too."

Mary raised a hand to her daughters cheek, "You've been through so much," she noticed Spencer startle at her touch and withdrew her hand, "I apologise."

"No, it's, it's okay," Spencer smiled, "It's just mom, I mean my adopted mom and dad weren't the most affectionate of people when I was growing up. Sometimes I forget you are."

"Sorry," Mary apologised again, "My mom was very affectionate. My father was not. When I was little and I'd have nightmares, my mom would come and sleep in my bed."

Spencer smiled, "That's sweet. I never told my parents about my nightmares… I thought it was a show of weakness."

Mary looked sympathetic, "It's not weakness, Spencer. Some minds are just… darker than others. Usually because of some kind of experience."

Spencer nodded, then frowned, "But when you were just a kid, before Radley and all, did anything bad ever happen?"

Mary stayed silent a while before answering with a heaviness to her voice, "I never understood why my mother stayed with him. She would always make sure me and Jessica were in our room so we wouldn't see… but we still heard. By the time we were teenagers, Jessica was used to it. Desensitised, I suppose. But I couldn't stand listening to him yelling and her crying and pleading… That's when I started sneaking out. Getting in trouble," she sighed, "I would either dream that she would pick me up from school one day and we would just drive. Far away and never come back. Or I'd have nightmares that it would just get worse… that he would hurt her so badly one day it would kill her. That was the first time I remember wondering if you could ever just drop dead… of sadness."

Spencer didn't know what to say and took a moment to find her voice, "I'm so sorry, that's awful. No wonder you had nightmares even then."

"You said you had nightmares when you were young, did anything… "

"No," Spencer answered quickly, "No, nothing like that. I think I was just an anxious child, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Mom and dad, they really loved me and wanted me to have the best of things all the time. It's just I always felt like I had to be the best too. Me and Melissa were so competitive. I think it took a while for my parents to realise how unhealthy it was. None of them seemed to feel as much as I did, to feel the pressure, the emotions. Things got to me that didn't get to them so much. They didn't understand it. So I felt like an outsider in my home. For a long time."

It was things Spencer had always felt but rarely verbalised. Even now, she was self conscious, watching her mother for a reaction.

Mary offered a grimace, "I suppose you get that from me," she said softly, "I can be very emotional too. Jessica and my father never understood. My mom was a bit better, she certainly tried. I wish I could have been around when you were younger, I really do."

"I do too," Spencer said honestly, "But it's really nice to be able to talk to you about this. My mom's a lot better now but it's still hard to speak candidly to her about this kind of thing. I'm not used to being able to talk so openly… especially with an adult."

Mary raised her hand before hesitating, "I'm sorry, may I?" she asked. Spencer nodded and allowed her mom to place her hand on her cheek, "You can always talk to me, Spencer. About absolutely anything at all," she bit her lip, "I know I slipped today with the pills and drink… but I want to be here for you."

"I know," Spencer said, "I want to be there for you too," she looked at the almost empty bottle of whiskey still lain on the floor, "May I ask how big of an issue is alcohol for you?"

Mary sighed heavily, "More so than the pills, if I'm honest. The pills were just a bonus… the alcohol… I used to drink for weeks, months at a time without break. Now, not so much but…"

Spencer hesitated before raising her hand to her mother's cheek, making Mary smile a little at the gesture she knew was hard for her daughter, "I know it's really hard and I never expect you to be perfect but maybe we could both try and find some better way to quiet the darkness in our minds?"

Mary nodded, "I think that is probably a good idea. I used to keep a journal, which helped for a little while… It was still a bit like talking to a brick wall though."

"You can always talk to me about your nightmares if it helps," Spencer offered, "Or you can just call me for a chat about anything. Whenever you want. There's nothing worse than waking up from a nightmare to be alone with your thoughts."

Mary felt relief flood through her body; she wouldn't' say it aloud but she'd been hoping her daughter would say something like that, "Thank you," she smiled, "I am so lucky to have you, Spencer. You always seem to know how I'm feeling. I've never had that before."

Spencer returned the smile, "Ditto. Things are going okay with Charlotte though, right?"

"Oh, yes," Mary nodded, "Much better. Still, we're not quite at this," she gestured between the two of them, "level yet."

"Sure," Spencer said, "It takes time. It did with us."

"I suppose it did," Mary agreed, "I do hope so. I don't think she's had enough people in her life who want to understand her. To know her."

Spencer remained silent, nodding.

"Sorry," Mary sighed, "I know she's not your favourite subject to talk about. I respect that."

"I know," Spencer shook her head, "It's okay. I guess I just want… "

Mary looked at her curiously, "What is it?"

Spencer shrugged, "I still find it hard to be around Charlotte. That's going to take a lot of time… but, I don't know, I just want everyone to be healthy. To have a chance after everything…" she chuckled, "It sounds so stupid."

"No, Spencer," Mary said softly, "It doesn't sound stupid at all. It sounds very mature and… sweet. It's why I love you."

Spencer smiled sheepishly, "I love you too, mom."

"Are you alright?" Alison had noted her aunt's quietness all evening.

Mary was jolted out of her thoughts of the day's events, "I am."

"You've been quiet," Alison said, "I mean, quieter than usual."

Mary sighed, "It's been a long, emotionally draining day."

Alison nodded, respecting her aunt's privacy and not prying, "Okay, well if you want to talk about it… or not talk about it. I'm here."

Mary smiled, "Thank you, Alison," she looked guilty, "I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been around much lately and – "

"It's okay, Mary," Alison reassured her, "There's a lot of changes going on for everyone right now. Speaking of which, Emily's going to move in."

Mary chuckled, "I thought she had already."

Alison smiled sheepishly, "Well, basically. I mean, she's here all the time so we just figured it was time. She wants to be close to the baby and look after me."

"She's a lovely young woman," Mary said, "You both are. You will be such wonderful mothers."

Alison grinned, "Thanks, Aunt Mary."

"And I know I haven't been around much, but you know I'm here for you, don't you? All you have to do is call."

"I know," Alison said, "How are the renovations at the Lost Woods?"

"Not bad," Mary said, "Spencer's really dived into it. It's nice to have something to work on together," she paused, "I have an idea. When is Emily coming by? Why don't I cook you two dinner? Charlotte too, of course."

Alison smiled, "Sure, that would be great!"

Mary looked up suddenly as there was an aggressive knock on her bedroom door. Her daughter didn't wait for an answer and came in.

"You took Spencer's pills," she exclaimed.

Mary quickly walked over to the door and closed it, not wanting Alison to hear, "I know. I'm sorry."

"Why?" Charlotte demanded, "I thought whiskey was your poison."

Mary chewed on her tongue anxiously, "It is. But if pills are accessible…" she shrugged, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone through your bag."

"No, you shouldn't have," Charlotte sighed, "I took them from Spencer to keep her safe and then got you in trouble anyway… Did you already take them?"

"Some, yes," Mary confessed quietly, too ashamed to look at her daughter, "But Spencer and I got rid of them. Flushed them."

"So she knows," Charlotte shook her head, "Mary, you can't… We have a baby coming into the house. You can't – "

"I know, I know," Mary put her face in her hands, "It was a slip. I won't do it again."

Charlotte sighed, "I get it. Addiction. But if you ever feel like that… self destructive feeling… you have to talk to someone. You can come talk to me if you like."

Mary took her hands away from her face, "Thank you, Charlotte," she said quietly, "I really don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have."

"You don't disappoint me," Charlotte said firmly, "I just worry… You're the only mom I've got left, I don't want anything to happen to change that."

Mary's eyes widened and she stepped forward, pulling the younger woman into her arms, "I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, "I promise."