There are no words to express how upset and apologetic I am over the fact that I missed two days of updates. I would like to explain that it was not due to my being unwilling to update, or not having the chapter prepared, in fact it was done early that day, around nine, but the lack of update was because of work. In explanation I would like to point out that I am a babysitter, and as such that means I go to someone else's house. Now, usually I will go there Thursday in the afternoon, say about three, and then stay until Friday night. Hence, why my updates were always so early on Thursday, but never on Friday. However, the kids' mother ended up contracting a GI bug, and as such needed someone to come over Wednesday night in order to get the kids to bed and be there in the morning to get off to school. That person was me, of course.
I had thought I would be able to get on the internet, intending to find some way to hook my laptop up to their wifi, only once I tried to do it, literally everything crashed. So even when I was willing, and about to, retype this entire chapter onto their own computer, I had no way of being able to. I tried for probably an hour to get the connection on some computer and was just entirely unable to. You all have no idea how much I truly feel bad about this. I had made a commitment to this story and had stuck to it, and it is with my sincerest regrets that I am no apologizing for breaking my commitment.
Obviously the chapters have still been written each night, and will now all be uploaded throughout tonight, for anyone willing to read through whatever obscene amount of words that is (I think it's close to 20,000. So, feel free to take breaks lol). I know that there are only two days left after this, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and I have every intention of finishing this out. I am just so very sorry that it could not have been done as I'd intended and worked so very hard to achieve. I hope that, knowing the situation, you all can understand and forgive me and will still continue to read. Once again, sorry for not being on time as I should have.
Izzie – December 21st 8:21 AM
"I kind of like your family better," I confess to George over the phone. I had called him after Alex had gone to take a shower, too awake to fall back asleep but too unwilling to bother leaving the sanctuary of our room just yet. I didn't know what I might end up facing today, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be pretty, and I didn't know just how much I wanted to deal with it. Drama had always been something I liked hearing about. Only, that was frivolous, petty drama that happened amongst my fellow residents at Seattle Grace Hospital, not intense, painful family drama that included schizophrenic moms and intolerably angry sisters.
I had to admit, Amber had been growing on me that night at dinner. I found her to be really fun and enjoyable as she acted like a normal person and not her previous bitchy self. She was someone I could honestly see myself inviting again or bothering to make a phone call to. The dinner had seemed like just what she needed after Alex had lost his mind at her earlier that day. She literally transformed in a mere two hours pretty much. I hadn't known where it had come from, but I was so damn happy that it had appeared one way or another.
Then we got home though, and all hell broke lose. I had to admit, I wanted to demand a little as to why she was opening our mail, but the I remembered I'd slid my finger underneath the seal of that envelope, opening it, but then giving myself a paper cut and distracting me from ever reading it. So, in her defense, she hadn't opened it, but just read it. Still rude, but not quite so bad. I tried to remind myself to see from her point of view, think of how her mind might land immediately on betrayal and knowing how that could hurt, but with Alex being my husband I was still defensive of him and couldn't entirely understand her.
What I was concerned about was the fact that Alex's father, who neither of us had had any contact with, had managed to obtain our address. I was half tempted to send him back a letter demanding I know, because it seemed awful sketchy to me. Last I knew you couldn't just Google our names and make our address show up online. I kind of wondered if he had called the hospital and had somehow gotten it out of them, explaining he was Alex's father and all, but I still failed to see why he would put that sort of effort in. Like Alex had pointed out, the man had made no attempt at contact in years. Why had that suddenly changed? Would Amber and her mom finding a card when they got home as well? What about his brother Aaron, had he gotten one at all? It just all seemed so strange to me.
"Well my mom still talks about you, if that says anything," George tells me and I smile, thinking of his mother who I couldn't help but just love. The day his dad had died still stuck out in my mind, how she had handled it all, it still impressed me that she lost the very love of her life and still went on every day. I was bad enough after I'd lost Denny, but the very thought of ever losing Alex...it made me have respect for her.
"I love your mom," I declare with a smile. I was actually a little surprised that she still liked me. If I recalled correctly she didn't care for me so much after the whole, cheating and divorce incident. I wasn't about to bring that up now though. Every time one of us mentioned that period of our friendship things got really awkward awful fast. It was best to just avoid it altogether. "So what's on your agenda for Christmas?" I ask. We'd spent so many together it was almost strange, thinking he wasn't going to be there.
"Family, of course." I can almost here his shrug through the phone. "I don't think I'll be missing a holiday with them ever again," he admits sadly. I wondered how much you would regret it, all the time you might have missed with someone you loved because you had been too busy at the time, only to lose the chance to ever spend that time with them again. How much guilt did it bring? I never felt that guilt after Denny died. After all, I'd spent about every second that I could with him.
"Well I hope you enjoy it," I answer, trying to sound chipper and not let him fall into a melancholy state over his dad not being around this year. Alex walks in, towel wrapped around his waste and a handful of dirty laundry that he dumps on the floor in our pile. "I gotta go," I say, knowing that next came the confrontation period of the morning. Maybe we could get out of the house again, there had to be some excuse to use. Speaking of excuses, I needed to find one in order to go buy Alex's Christmas gift. I had still yet to get him a single thing, or come up with an idea of what I could get for him. I'd momentarily considered silverware, as a joke, but that didn't really solve my problem. However, the idea did still make me smile.
"Alright, we still need to exchange gifts," George reminds me, which makes me think how I needed to wrap his gift still. In fact, we hadn't wrapped anyone's gift. All the years previous I had just spread out in the living room some night when everyone was working, turned the tree on and laid out a plate of cookies whilst I wrapped gifts and sang along to Christmas music. The process was a long one, but something I always managed to enjoy it despite the resulting back pain and extra five pound in weight I'll have gained by the end of the night. I wouldn't have the opportunity to do that this year though. If nothing else I needed to wrap my mom's gift and send it out before it got any later. As it was now I'd be paying far extra for faster shipping.
"We'll figure it out," I assure him. "Bye." I hang up as he reciprocates his farewell, and watch as Alex gets dressed. "You know," I say to him which causes him to turn while he pulls his underwear on. "I really wish your family was like, not here right now so I could just pull you into bed and have hot morning sex."
He smiles, a mischievous glimmer in his eye at the mention. "Good god so do I," he answers and I laugh.
"Glad we're on the same page there." I pull myself out from under the covers, ignoring the crisp morning air as crawl my way over to where he stood at the foot of my bed and remain on my knees as I kiss him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Maybe if we're quiet?" I try and suggest, waggling my eyebrows at him in suggestion.
"Do you remember what happened when Amber walked in on us in the kitchen?" he asks, reminding me of her snide comments. I guess having the situation repeat itself, even if she only happened to hear this time, would not be good.
My face falls as I continue kissing him, ignoring reason as I work at trying to seduce him. It really wasn't that hard, seducing Alex Karev, and I'm almost positive I have him as my lips work their way from his shoulder, to his chest, to his pelvic bones, where I'm up close and personal to a sign that tells me he is extremely pleased with this particular morning activity. "Iz, you're gonna kill me," he says as he steps away out of lip reach. I pout and flop back down, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I get maybe two weeks a month where I'm strong enough for such activities," I complain. "And your sister and mother are interfering with them." Maybe I'd be more willing if they had something better to offer in replacement, but so far I had gotten one nice dinner and maybe five minutes decent conversation with his mom, not worth giving up my sex time at all.
"And we will make excellent use of the time we have after they leave," he promises me, leaning over my body and kissing my lips.
"Promise?" I ask, batting my eyelashes at him in dire hope of getting him to give in. I knew it was wasted effort, but a girl could dream.
"You don't need to make me promise," he assures me, kissing me again. "But at this rate we'll never make it out of this, sex or not."
I huff, standing from the bed and finding what I needed to get myself together for the day. I was opting for sweats, not caring anymore about making good impressions or not looking sick. I had no more effort for them, none at all. I'd tried, and it hadn't worked in the slightest, so now I was going back to regular Izzie. Well, regular Izzie plus a scarf because I really didn't like that whole staring deal Amber seemed to do. Plus, I swear Alex's mom wasn't aware I was sick half of the time. She never once said a word about my cancer, which I wouldn't find that strange but when she was talking she would general ask me some questions here and there, as long as she remained here in this world and not distracted by the things around her.
Last night had been frightening as she shouted outside when I escorted her out there and away from the angry, screaming mess that had been Amber. I'd taken her out and she'd been okay for a minute before growing very agitated and shouting. She never turned to hit me, I don't think she was aware I was even there, but she did try and throw herself against the wall, forcing me to attempt and hold her back. I hadn't told Alex, but I hoped he wouldn't notice the few bruises that had appeared on my skin.
I don't even bother changing out of Alex's sweatshirt, which was far too large for me, but made me feel better knowing it was supposed to be. I wrap my old white and pink scarf around my head and walk out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. The face in the mirror looks sickly, and I have a momentary compulsion to try and give it a healthier glow, but I know I wouldn't bother if it was just Alex and I, so I wasn't going to bother for his ignorant/crazy family. They probably would hardly notice, let alone care.
I turn to find Alex staring at me from the doorway. He smiles at me as he walks in and kisses me. "You look hot," he tells me and I roll my eyes. This was by far the laziest day I'd had in days in terms of getting myself ready. No real clothes, no makeup, not even bothering to put on a pair of jeans. He would say today of all days that I looked hot, probably to keep from another one of my meltdowns.
"Uh-huh," I respond. Now I'm the one to step away from his kissing and take his hand. "Come on, let's go deal with little Ms. Sunshine," I say, as unwilling as he is, I'm sure. "You know, you could go in to work, if you wanted," I suggest, stopping before we walked out there to discuss the possibility. I could handle them without him. Generally speaking I turn the TV on and his mom's set. Then, I'd let Amber get in a few jabs and she'd be content for the afternoon. If he needed to get away I could do it.
"I'm okay," he answers though, kissing me. "But thanks for the offer, Babe. Would you like to go be admitted to the hospital?" he suggests, and I laugh because it kind of sounds desirable to this. The only people this rude at the hospital were some of the nurses.
"By the end of today we might both land in the psych ward," I joke. I literally felt a little bit crazy by the end of the day around here right now. I wanted to cry and puke and sleep and have sex, all at once pretty much. If that didn't make me crazy I don't know what did. Because, how often did hungry, nauseated, tired, and horny all go together? Not often, I didn't think.
We walk out into the living room, finding two suitcases lined up by the door, but Alex's mom still snoring away peacefully in her sleep. Amber's in the kitchen, sitting on the counter and twisting an apple around in her hands. She hops down as we walk in, putting the fruit down on the counter. "We're leaving," she declares, leaving no question about it.
"Amber..." he tries to say, but she gives him no chance as she cuts him off.
"I'm having an awful time, Mom's relapsing and you both are miserable." She shakes her head, done with the whole situation, it seemed. "I just want to get out of here, and you want us out. So...let us go."
"I'm not paying for another flight," Alex declares. "And you have no other way of getting home." I watch as they argue, interested to see in which way this would go. I knew no matter how utterly insane they were making me, if there was any chance Alex could begin to rebuild some relationships with them, I would want them here. If he wanted them gone though, I had no problem with letting them go. He could return my Christmas gift to pay for their plane tickets for all I cared.
"Ugh, come on," she says, throwing her hands up in frustration as she turns away from us. "I can't stand being here another minute."
"Then go sit in the hallway," he grumbles as he opens the cupboard, pulling out his box of cereal and pouring it into a bowl. He looks in the fridge, finding nothing to put on it and just sticks his hand in it, dumping a handful into his mouth. "You're staying, that's final," he declares and she storms out dejectedly.
I raise my eyebrows in question at him. Right there had been our opportunity and he'd thrown it away, forcing us into another six days of this great fun we were having. I remembered what I'd said mentally to myself earlier and try to hold on to it as I grab a handful of cereal from Alex's bowl. "We'll just have to make it work, I guess."
2:12 PM
"Black doesn't belong on Christmas wrapping paper," I say determinedly as I grab the paper in Alex's hand and shove it back in the bin, picking out a far more appropriate paper with snowmen and trees. "It's Christmas, Alex. Not a funeral."
"Touchy much?" he asks, sounding a little irritated himself as he picks the black paper back up. "Maybe I'll use this to wrap your gift," he comments, twirling it in his hands like he was really thinking about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he did, actually. I take the one I have in my hand and use it to hit him in the head, unable to stop my giggling as I do so. "Seriously?" He raises an eyebrow at me. "Is that how it's gonna be?"
He raises his own and I make a run for it, ducking into the next aisle over and ignoring the dirty looks an older shoots us as Alex follows after me, making me let out a squeal as I dart away again. I'm sure we look like a couple of ten year olds, running through the store, attacking each other with rolls of wrapping paper, but we'd had days of depressing conversations and degrading comments. We needed to be ten for five minutes.
Turning the next corner I turn to look behind me, finding Alex awfully close as he reaches out and hits my arm, steering clear of my head from the wound still present from my surgery. We laugh as I stick my tongue out at him and he wraps his arms around me from behind, kissing my cheek. One man is staring at us like we're crazy, and shakes his head as he walks away, at the other end of the aisle there's a younger girl watching us, who, as she gets closer, I realize is none other than, who else but, Hannah Roberts. I didn't know what I'd done to piss off the universe, but I was being repaid in full, apparently.
"You guys look like you're having fun," she says, raising her eyebrows at us and the wrapping paper swords still remaining in our hands. "I wish my mom would let me have this much fun." She rolls her eyes and, almost right on cue, her mother comes around the corner and walks over to Hannah, sticking a pack of bows in the basket she carried. "Look who I found, Mom," she says, smiling brightly.
Her mother looks up and smiles at Alex and then turns to look at me. I don't think it registers at first, just who I am, as she holds her hand out for me to shake in greeting, pronouncing her name as "Rachel Roberts." I was sure I looked different with no hair, and it had been a couple of years, but as she looks at me more when I go to lean in and shake her hand, it suddenly disappears from my grasp, flying up to meet her mouth as she gasps, legitimately surprised to find me in the city I live in, apparently.
"What is it?" Hannah asks as she turns back to look at me. "Is she on America's Most Wanted or something?" She says this with a smile, which fades as her mother doesn't answer.
"You-you too?" she asks, shaking her head as she takes in my appearance. I was still makeup free and sweat pant bound, hardly the vision of health.
"Do you know my mom or something?" she asks, turning away from her still unresponsive mother and looking to me. I open my mouth to respond, but find I have no words to offer her. Did I lie? Tell the truth? Walk away? This was a situation where there was no answer, no simple response. So I just looked at her, mouth still open to talk. Even Alex has no words as he looks between the two of us, his arms still wrapped around my waist. "Is anyone going to explain?" She throws her free hand in the air in frustration.
"Hannah, we need to go," her mom says, placing a hand on her back to try and direct her daughter away.
"Wait!" I yell, even though they hadn't even stepped away yet, Hannah still staring at me in question. I stop them because I know I can't from this anymore, it couldn't just be shoved aside any longer. Obviously someone was trying to tell me something as I ran into her over and over again. Call it what you wish, karma, fate, destiny, whatever word you stuck with it, it was telling me one thing, and I had a feeling it wouldn't stop until I followed through. "Please just, wait."
I step out of Alex's embrace, taking a few steps so I stand in front of Hannah. She stares up at me, confusion still in her eyes. Her mom looks confused on what to do, stuck between desperation to protect her child and get away, and feeling the same thing I was, a compulsion to tell the truth. I didn't doubt Hannah was strong enough to handle this. She was a tough girl, and if I'd learned anything with cancer, it was that once you faced that, you could handle just about anything.
"Yeah?" she asks, prompting someone to say something since it looked like everyone around her knew what was going on and she didn't. Which, was exactly true. "Am I in trouble?" She sounds worried.
"No," I reassure quickly. "Definitely not. Um, Hannah," I say ignoring the people around us and the fact that I still had gift wrap in my hand from chasing my husband around the store minutes earlier. "You know how, how I act all weird, whenever you see me?" I ask, because it was so true. My jaw locked, my mouth dried, my brain fried, all while I tried to process and handle.
"Yeah, you're always all, awkward and like you're trying to run away before I murder you or something."
"Exactly," I respond, though I still hadn't explained a thing.
"Er, are you getting to the reason for that or something?" she asks, cocking her head to the side as she waits, trying to evaluate me, I guess. "Or are we all going to keep standing here staring at each other?"
"Hannah," her mom interjects. "Maybe we should go." I could see the worry in her eyes as she stares at her daughter. I saw that look all the time when I caught Alex staring at me. He did it when he was evaluating how strong I was, how much longer I could carry on before he needed to make me go rest or if he needed to wrap an arm around me to keep me standing. Her mom was just looking out to make sure Hannah wouldn't be needing any help standing.
"I want to know what's so terrible that no one can tell me anything. And how do you two...know each other," she pauses, looking between the two of us and then staring at me, a hand reaching out and touching my face, right along my cheek bone. "I've only been to Seattle once before in my life," she whispers, her head shaking. I had to admit, I was kind of relieved that she seemed to be figuring this out on her own. "And we came here to find my...birth mom."
Swallowing hard I meet her stare, watching the comprehension in her eyes as she nods. I feel Alex hover behind me, on the lookout for my well being, I was sure. I'm surprised when she stands on her tiptoes and pulls my scarf off, revealing the same, shiny bald head as her's. Her fingertips run across it, much like Alex's would sometimes at night. "Wow," she whispers as she stares. Then it's like all the mystical feeling vanishes and reality catches up. I knew the moment would be coming and I await the reaction.
She takes a few steps back from me, shaking her head. "Did you know?" she asks as she turns to Alex, the look of betrayal in her eyes. "All this time, did you know?" Tears fill her eyes as she stares at the doctor who she had deemed her friend.
"No," he answers quickly. "Not this whole time," he's trying to salvage something that had probably already been ruined. She was young, her trust easily broken, and obviously very sensitive on this topic, as anyone in her situation would be.
"But you did know," she says. "Before today, you knew?" She wipes at her face as a tear falls, and doesn't wait for an answer before turning to her mother. "Did you know?" she demands.
"Of course not," she answers, trying to pull her daughter in for a hug. Her daughter, I remind myself. That's who Hannah was, Rachel Roberts daughter. "I wouldn't ever keep something like that from you, sweetie."
"You just tried to," she reminds her of just seconds ago as she tried to usher her out of the store without a word. "You're all a bunch of liars, apparently." She shakes her head and her gaze goes back to me. "I've talked to you, what, three times and I didn't even know it?" I understood the feeling, as every time I ran into her and thought how that wasn't supposed to be our first conversation, or the second, or the third.
"I'm really sorry," I try and say, making the mistake of taking a step toward her. She steps back immediately, almost like I was threatening her. I remembered the same shock I felt the day I saw Hannah for the first time, along with the betrayal I felt from Alex. I couldn't imagine dealing with that same feeling at fourteen. I wished she didn't have to. "Someone should have talked to you. A long time ago."
"Yeah," she agrees sadly as she turns and stares at Alex, who is staring down at the ground before meeting her disappointed gaze. "Someone should have." She sighs, shifting her basket from one hand to the next as she looks over the three of us, closing her eyes like she's thinking really hard for a second before turning and leaving, not running, but I know there's no way I'll be catching her to say anything else I might have wanted to.
3:36 PM
"You okay?" Alex asks as we walk up the stairs to the apartment. After Hannah had stormed off I'd stood in the aisle staring for a bit longer before digging the keys out Alex's pocket declaring he, "get whatever he wants" and walking away to go sit in the car. He had somehow managed what had been taking us twenty minutes before, in about five minutes as he came back to the car with three bags in hand, tossed them in the back, and then climbed up front, sitting silently with me until I declared he should drive me home.
We hadn't talked yet, probably why he was bringing it up now, before we ventured into the house and Amber went and said something that would make me burst into tears. "I'm good," I declare, feeling mentally stunted still, but not upset or angry or anything. Just...lost. I'd be fine in an hour or so, mainly I just felt kind of bad for the poor girl and the bomb that had kind of just dropped and exploded on her life just then. I didn't know what it felt like to be adopted, but it had to be hard thinking that the person who gave birth to you just...didn't want you. I was desperate still to explain that that wasn't even close to the truth, but I had known then was not the time and quite frankly, I didn't know if I'd be getting another opportunity.
"Sure?" he asks on last time before putting the key in the lock. I nod my head and he swings the door open, revealing his mom laying face down on the couch, crying. Great, just what we needed to come home to. I sigh, shutting the door behind us and kicking off my shoes as Alex goes over to try and talk to his mom. My eyes scan the room, searching for an angry looking adolescent.
"Amber?" I call quietly as I wander into the apartment. She hadn't actually left, had she? I could only imagine the trouble she would go and get herself into out there. This was Seattle, after all. Not exactly the safest city around, and she was upset and irrational right now, making the idea of her wandering around out there all the more frightening. Of course, she could have always just stolen some cash and gone to book her own flight or get a bus to take her home.
I peek into the bathroom first, knowing that where she had gone last night. I don't see anyone though, even going as far as to pull back the shower curtain and look. Next I open the hall closet, rolling my eyes as I look in at the mess in there. That must have been what happened when I sent Alex to clean. It was better than the pillows and lamps he'd picked out, at the very least. Lastly, I peer into our bedroom, sure enough finding her sitting there. Her back is pressed up against our headboard as she sits on Alex's pillow with her knees drawn to her chest.
She doesn't glare at me as I walk in, surprisingly enough, doesn't even have anything nasty to say as I sit down next to her. We're both quiet for a moment, and then I look over and see the blood coming out of the side of her head. "Oh my god!" I say, reacting immediately as I go to the bathroom and grab paper towels, hydrogen peroxide, and some gauze. I wet a washcloth as well before returning to the room and beginning to wash it out of her hair. Thankfully I looked like it was mostly dry and had stopped for most part, appearing more like a slow trickle now.
"I think I got some blood on the sheets..." she murmurs, looking down and picking up a piece of the sheet with a large blood stain on it. The pillowcase also had several blood drops spattered across it.
"Don't worry about it," I say, patting her hand away from the bloody sheet and moving her hair out the way to get a better look at the wound. "Good news is you won't need stitches, I don't thing," I inform her, trying to smile and keep her at ease as I had so many times before with patients. I knew she wasn't sitting here thinking about pain though, it was probably the farthest thing from her mind as I pour the hydrogen peroxide onto the gauze and begin to clean the wound. "I don't want to put this in your hair," I say. "It'll-"
"Bleach it," she finishes, obviously knowing her stuff. She shrugs, "I don't really care."
"I'll just go get soap and water, okay?" I ask, moving to stand again, but she grabs my arm, holding me in place. "It can wait," I say instead now and sit down next to her. I hesitate before wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She doesn't shove me away or yell or say anything rude, like I expected. Instead, she goes against all of my general expectations as she lays her head against my shoulder and cries her heart out. She just sobs and sobs, trying to just get her breath in and out as she cries.
"Shh," I soothe, rubbing a hand up and down her arm. "It's all okay," I reassure best I can as I rock her gently from side to side. It was like all of a sudden she just...broke. All of that hard exterior and rude front she'd put on, it all fell to pieces as she weeps against me. I can't help the surge of pity and affection I feel for her, knowing she must feel like the weight of the world is on her shoulders from what she goes through each day. I'd felt like many days I was raising my mother as she bounced around irresponsibly, never bothering to check my grades or cook me dinner and then doing things like gambling away my college money. But to be caring for a schizophrenic mother every day of your life, that was something far beyond my comprehension.
"I-I don't want to hate her," she cries, probably feeling guilty from the resentment she feels toward her mother. It made sense, considering the state of her right now. I resented my mother for years and years, and were I to still live with her today, I probably still would.
"It's okay," I promise her. No one would judge her for a little anger at her mother. Actually, Alex and I both had, but I knew from here on out I would be seeing her differently. She wasn't some ungrateful bitch like she seemed. She was a sixteen year old kid trying to keep her mother alive and go to school and live a life. It wasn't easy, and it shouldn't be expected of her.
"And I don't hate you," she confesses, her voice calming as she stops heaving heavy sobs and begins with just a gasp of breath every few seconds as she tries and controls her crying. "It's just, Alex left us, you know? He left us because he said he couldn't take care of Mom and live his life. That he needed to get away from all of it and just not turn back, which is exactly what he did. Only now he's here, taking care of you, and it makes me feel like his family wasn't worth the effort, but his colleague was? I wasn't worth sticking around for or visiting or making a phone call? He just...walked out and never turned back."
I knew why Alex had done that, I knew that it really was what he had needed to do, but that was a conversation for between the two of them, so I'd leave it at that. "Your brother feels very guilty about not having seen you grow up," I divulge instead. She sniffles and pulls away to look at me.
"Really?" she asks, wiping her nose with her sleeve as it continues to run. "He never calls, just sends Mom's pills. I almost thought...I kind of just thought he'd forgotten about me."
"He feels guilty and so he avoids having to face that by not talking to you," I explain. "Only the longer he waits the guiltier he gets and it's like a never ending, vicious circle." She smiles, obviously seeing my reason in the matter. "He carries around a lot of guilt for a lot of things, Amber. And it's hard for him to so much as talk about his family because he feels like he messed up so bad and he doesn't know how to face it."
"Mom is the one who messed up," Amber claims. "Dad messed up more. But Alex? He just...he tried really hard when I was a kid. I remember that, but then one day he just stopped trying."
"It's not because he doesn't love you or think about you," I make sure to stress again. "But you have been pretty insufferable to be around since you got here," I point out, shaking my head at all of her impossible moments. "Like beat-our-heads-against-walls level insufferable."
"Sorry about that," she apologizes, smiling at my imagery. "I was just so...angry, and it was all directed at my brother, and you for marrying him, and him for marrying you. It just, it went on and on and I couldn't do anything but be rude and angry all the time."
"I get it," I assure her, pulling her back against me like a small child. "Trust me, I get that it sucks."
"I'll do better," she promises, sounding almost like she's talking to herself more so than to me. "I'll do a lot better. I'm not really that awful of a person all of the time." I knew that, I'd seen her at dinner last night, when she'd been far less like a demon and much more like a pleasant, fun teenage girl. "I mean, I don't know how much better it will really be, but I'll try."
"Someone who doesn't hate my guts or storm around sulking is all we're asking for here," I point out. There's a quick knock on the door before Alex pokes his head in, giving us and our position a curious look.
"Is everything...okay?" he asks, looking awkward at the sight of two crying girls in front of him. He'd just dealt with one, hardly need anymore.
"I was just cleaning up Amber's cut here," I say as I take the washcloth and clean the wound again, finishing the dressing once I'm pleased with my work. "It shouldn't leave a scar."
"Thanks," she answers with a smile. "How screwed up is Mom?" she asks Alex bluntly. He just shrugs his shoulders in response, probably not the best sign. "Do you mind if I talk to Alex, Izzie?" she asks me, turning her head to look at me. I'm surprised by how drastically different she looks once her makeup has been removed. She looked far more childlike and innocent, less hard.
"Of course," I stand and open our closet with the bucket full of gifts, as well as grab some wrapping paper. "I'm going to start working on this mess." I smile inspite of myself, I would make the most of wrapping gifts this year, even if I couldn't have the living room to myself with a plate of cookies next to me and Christmas music blaring.
"Wait," Alex calls, stopping me and pulling his mom's gifts out of the bin. "Probably shouldn't wrap them in front of her," he shrugs and I smile, kissing him on the cheek before walking out. Maybe things didn't have to be so awful this year.
7:57 PM
"Dinner!" I call as I pull the lasagna out of the oven. Alex's double oven idea was sounding better and better as I had been hoping to make some cookies tonight as well. It wasn't like we had a tone more time to be making cookies in the shape of Santa heads and reindeer, at least, not with a decent excuse.
"Thank god," Alex murmurs as he walks into the kitchen, sticking his finger in some of the sauce on top and licking it off before I can stop him. "This is good," he comments, gesturing to the homemade sauce I'd prepared. Had I not gone so...overboard perhaps we would have eaten a few hours ago. But once I decided I was going to prepare dinner tonight, I knew I just had to go all out on it.
"She cooks too?" I hear his mother mutter as she walks into the kitchen, stopping and taking in the aroma. I had to admit, it smelt pretty damn good. I was sure I'd enjoy the taste of it too. "You did even better than I thought in the first place, Alex," she says with a smile, having recovered from this afternoon's debacle, whatever it was that might have happened. She had drifted out of her episode after about an hour, turning back into a sweeter, kinder version of herself who was still depressed, but at least functioning. Amber hadn't said much to her, but when she had spoken it wasn't too rude, at least not when one considers that it's Amber.
Alex holds his dinner plate out to me, directing me to cut him bigger and bigger slices until I decide to choose for myself, before he ate half of my pan. "Bread's on the counter," I say, pointing with my spatula over to the garlic bread I'd made in the toaster oven that now sat in front of it, a lovely shade of golden brown.
"How much time did you spend on this?" Amber asks as she takes in the dish, which looked more complex than an average lasagna.
"Izzie doesn't go halfway on anything," Alex answers, his mouth already full of a bite of garlic bread as he stands in the kitchen.
I swat him with the pot holder. "No eating till we're all sitting down together," I lecture sternly with a pointed finger. He turns away dejectedly to go sit at the table with his mother. "How big?" I ask, as I Amber holds her plate out.
"Huge, I haven't eaten all day," she comments and so I cut her a piece only a little smaller than her brother's before serving my own. I take a deep breath, reminding myself that this dinner could be good after all, and go sit down with everyone else.
Alex stares at me, desperately awaiting my permission to eat. I nod and he carves in immediately, behaving like a starving African child. "Ew, Alex," I say and roll my eyes. Did I need to be teaching him table manners too? I kick him under the table in order to get him to slow down.
"What?" he asks, mouth full and spaghetti sauce all around his lips. "You're the one who made me wait until eight at night."
"Yeah, well had your impatient ass had its way you'd be eating pizza leftovers instead of this," I point out, ignoring the fact that his sister was eating pretty much the same he had been. Obviously it was just a family trait they'd both managed to inherit.
"It's really good, try some," he mother says to no one, hardly getting any more than a glance from us as we continued eating.
"Oh, so Izzie had some brilliant plans for Christmas Eve," Alex says, sarcasm evident in his tone as he takes a break from devouring his food long enough to have a drink of his beer.
"We're not gonna go caroling or something, are we?" Amber asks with a nose wrinkled in distaste. I had to admit, had I thought of it earlier I might have just suggested it. It was so fun! But clearly no one would be going for it. After all, look at who my husband is.
"No, we're not going to go caroling," I roll my eyes. "Actually, I was thinking we could follow one of the traditions I always used to do as a kid and go to a little church service somewhere," I suggest, looking around the table to gauge reactions.
"No church," Alex's mom answers immediately with a shake of her head. "I can't...you can't make me!" She isn't looking at me anymore and I sigh as we all tense up, ready to intervene if needed.
"I'll go, but I'm not praying, kneeling, or doing any hail Mary's," Amber explains clearly. "I'll sing some Christmas songs, take a nap while the old guy talks, and then we get to come home and open a gift."
"You're very precise, aren't you?" Alex asks as he shakes his head. "But don't worry about it. I'll go, you stay home with Mom." I forgot that we weren't able to just leave her here. It seemed kind of silly, really. After all, she stayed home alone all day while Amber was at school or whatever. But I knew how it worked, the unfamiliarity of the place coupled with her being alone could trigger just about anything from her mind, and we would all like to avoid that.
"We'll figure it out," I say, dismissing the subject with a smile. "Now, who wants to help me bake cookies after dinner?"
10:12 PM
Despite my very persuasive argument on the joys of baking no one had actually been all the willing to assist. Well, until they came out of the oven. Then they were all very willing "taste testers" for me. I stepped out of the shower now, having just washed about a pound of flour and cookie dough off of me. It felt nice to be clean again.
I walk from the bathroom to our bedroom in my towel, finding Alex already asleep in bed. He was still fully dressed and on top of the covers, but he was clearly asleep as he snored lightly. I felt bad, realizing just how tiring the past few days had been for him as well as me. Maybe even more so considering all the mediating he had done, and was still doing, amongst his family members.
Amber wasn't the queen of kindness now, but her attitude toward me and Alex had been much like the night before at dinner. She generally just didn't look or speak to her mom just now, but when she did talk it was...civil almost, her tone cold but her words basic enough.
I pull on my pajamas and work on undressing Alex as I could, just like so many nights he had done for me. I pull of his socks, tossing them onto the floor, and then unbutton and zip his jeans. He wakes up at some point, and just slides them off, tiredly sitting up as he peels of his shirt and throws it to the ground as well. I get him to move so we can pull the covers down and then we climb in together.
I snuggle into him like every night and his kisses the top of my head. "Love you," he murmurs as he yawns and closes his eyes.
"Love you too," I answer simply. "I'm glad things are turning around some," I say happily, and probably to myself considering the likelihood of him having fallen back to sleep. I just lay there with him, slowly beginning to drift off as his arms tighten minutely around me. I wasn't dreaming about the future so much right now, just grateful to be where I am right now.
"Me too," he finally whispers back, drawing a smile onto my face.
Originally I had something else written here, but I just wanted to apologize again and also make sure you know that the other two chapters will be up within the next few hours. What really upsets me over this, is the fact that just before, I had gone and checked my email and found just tons of support coming from all of you in your reviews. It was definitely sufficient to keep me writing and I can't thank you enough for it. Okay, on to the original AN.
Let's discuss sequels, shall we? I know last chapter we kind of went over this, however many of you still seem to be requesting that I write a full on sequel story as opposed to just an epilogue. Considering those of you who have been asking for this, as well as getting some lovely suggestions from LoveLexzie on plot lines, I thought I would see what the rest of you thought when asked directly. Should I write an epilogue, call this story done and move on to something new? Or would you like to see the return of this A/I and have me continue with a full fledged, not Christmas based, sequel. Let me know and based on your opinions and my own inspiration (that one gets a pretty good vote) we will go from there. Official announcement to follow. Oh, and I am sure you all enjoyed the beginning of today's story ;) Thanks again. I'll see you tomorrow!