Sugar-Coated Accident
Chapter Twenty-One
"What If…?"
When Kaito woke that morning, it was with a perplexing amount of sadness. He could not think why he felt so melancholic. Of course, he could have blamed the maelstrom of emotion on the too-bright sun, his aching limbs, and an overpowering desire to roll over and go back to sleep – but no, he experienced those every single day, and they never made him feel sad. Annoyed, yes. Miserable, no.
…I'm miserable?
It was such a strong word, yet the more Kaito thought about it, the more realised that, surprisingly, that was exactly how he felt. Not only miserable, but empty; as though somebody had scooped out his innards and placed them in a jar.
And not the sort of empty that could be cured with a tub of Häagen-Dazs.
Huh. And I always thought ice-cream was the answer to everything.
I guess there are some things it can't fix after all.
It was a horrible, life-changing revelation. Kaito felt like a little kid, one who'd only just learnt Santa didn't exist; his last seven Christmases had been a lie, his letters to Santa were never posted and that guy at mall in the red coat and fake beard had been some homeless tramp doing it for the money.
The magic had gone forever, replaced only with cold, hard, common sense. It was called growing up, and it sucked.
However, pondering too long on escaped details was beginning to give Kaito a headache. He had never been a great thinker, and his mental capacity was further affected by his tired state of mind.
Meiko had a saying when it came to situations like this, something like;
'Kaito, I'm trying to make dinner here! Get out of the kitchen! Get out, get out, get out! Watch where you're going, you stupid- OWWWW! FUCK! Holy hell! Look at this, you spazz, you made me spill hot water everywhere! It hurts, it hurts – what the hell are you STANDING THERE FOR? Get out! A lifetime in hell in the company of Satan and all his torturous instruments of death will be like a picnic compared to one minute alone with me and this rolling pin!!'
…Okay.
Maybe it wasn't that saying.
'Kaito, you're so stupid you shouldn't BOTHER thinking. You'll only hurt yourself.'
That sounded more like it.
"I guess I'll work it out eventually," Kaito yawned, attempting to stand on lethargic limbs. His legs protested feebly, not wanting to hold his weight, prompting Kaito to murmur "shut up".
Great. You're talking to yourself now. First sign of madness.
"Shut up," repeated the Vocaloid childishly, not that it helped. If anything, it clarified his previous thought: that he really was crazy. Or maybe it was programming glitch, something beyond his control, related in no shape, way or form to his own sanity (or lack of thereof).
Of course, that was wistful thinking.
You should take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming other people.
Go away.
It was then, as Kaito argued with that stubborn, sadistic part of his mind that would not go away despite his gritted teeth, clenched fists and painful headache, that Kaito realised – finally – the cause of his grief.
Took you long enough, you moron.
And for once, Kaito agreed with that voice.
He agreed with it wholeheartedly.
He had been talking to himself yet, yesterday, he hadn't been alone. He had been talking to Len. They even fell asleep in the same bed, in a completely innocent, hurt/comfort brotherly love kind of way.
And now Len was gone.
Len.
Like a burst dam, unpleasant thoughts began to form in Kaito's mind. It was a slow, steady stream at first, which evolved into a vast, tumultuous sea, difficult to navigate, destined to destroy everything in its path. All other thoughts paled, became insignificant and inconsequential, against the deluge of worry and 'what if's that were assaulting the blue-haired Vocaloid.
What if I offended Len? What if I made him feel uncomfortable? That's why Len isn't here – he left, he felt awkward being with someone like me. What if my bold actions scared him, or, or...
Or what if he hates me?
And that hurt Kaito more than anything else.
Quickly, Kaito began fabricating responses, arguments, evidence - anything to get himself to shut up, to stop worrying so much because surely it was all alright, he just overreacting.
I'm sure he didn't leave because of me. If he felt uncomfortable he would've said last night. Len's not the sort of person who sits there, all shy and demure, whilst others do whatever the hell they like and he's too scared to say no – that's Yowane Haku, sure, but not Len. Not my L…
…Not the Len I know.
I'm no expert on 'feelings' and stuff, but I'm sure you don't go around smiling and laughing and hugging people you don't like.
But what if he was just trying to be polite? What if he trying to send me subtle messages, 'okay, go away now', but I was too stupid to realise? It wouldn't be the first time, lamented inner Kaito number 1.
Stop making a mountain out of molehill, Bakaito, chastised the second inner Kaito. Besides, why do you care so much? Do you like Len that much you can't be without him for five seconds?! Do you want him all for yourself? Are you that selfish?
"I'm just worried about him," said Kaito, breaking the silence which, while it had been comforting just after he awoke, was now cold and oppressing and quiet as the grave.
Quiet as death.
And who knew, maybe everything would be easier to understand if he said it out loud. It would be like clearing cobwebs from his mind; moving the unwanted thoughts and dumping them somewhere else. It was unhealthy to keep everything locked away in some metaphorical cabinet deep inside, just in case the metaphorical hinges of said metaphorical cabinet burst one day, filling your head with suppressed thoughts and painful memories.
Talking things out was meant to help, even if the only person willing to listen was yourself.
But I'd rather talk to Len-kun.
That's out of the question now, though.
But amidst that burst dam-induced tidal wave was the one question that Kaito really needed to ask himself, yet it was so terrible he didn't want to say anything, but he couldn't squash it down in that metaphorical cabinet because it wouldn't fit. He had been dodging this question ever since Len kissed him, and here it was again, right then and there and it wasn't going away, refused to leave him alone, and Kaito couldn't ignore it any longer because he needed an answer.
He needed to face the facts.
So let's take a look at them, shall we?
It was unavoidable, really.
You care about Len-kun so much you're making yourself feel ill, you like being with him more than Rin or Miku or any of the others, you seek out his company when you're lonely and you feel cold and empty because he's not here to comfort you.
The real question you should be asking yourself is what if-
"Don't even think about it."
What if…
"I don't want to."
What if you're in love with him?
It wasn't true.
It couldn't be true.
Could it…?
a.n: why do they have to think? xD it takes up a lot of space. but i like focusing on their feelings… gyah. now kaito's sort of (kinda) admitted he likes len, stuff will actually happen next chapter. and the chapters following xD i promise. len/kaito fluffness ftw xD
i used a load of run-on sentences here, but they mostly to demonstrate how confused kaito is about life and everything. yeah~
this was a rather short chapter...
renahhchen xx