Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The original characters and plot are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Turn to Stone

By: nikkipattinson

Chapter 20 – Hold It In

I watch as he leaves the apartment. He tells me that he loves me and that he'll call me later, but the look on his face.... He's horrified. I watch from the door as his car tears out of the parking lot. I grab my chest. It feels like someone has punched a hole in my chest and is pulling out my heart... my lungs... all of my internal organs. They're being ripped from my body and I have to hold them in. I bend at the waist as I clutch my chest and scream. I have to hold it in! I can't breathe. I fall to my knees. I have to hold it in! I fall to my side and I scream. I scream. He left me. He left me. I thought he loved me. He left me. I scream. My chest is open and my heart is gone. It left with him. He tore it out and it hurts. Oh, God, it hurts. I scream. I have to hold it in.

~*~*~*~

"Why is the door unlocked? Bella never leaves the door unlocked." I can hear Alice and Jasper outside, but I can't move. It just hurts so much. The door hits my feet as Alice opens it. "Bella! What happened?!" She stoops down to brush the hair from my face. "Jasper, help me get her up. Bella, honey, what's wrong? What happened? Is it Edward?" Jasper picks me up and carries me to the couch. He sits me down. I fall over and curl back into a ball. I have to hold it in.

"Alice, she doesn't look too good. Bella, did someone hurt ya? Why are ya holding your chest, Bella?" He tries to pry my arms from my body. I scream. He lets go of my arms and looks at Alice. "What do we do?"

"I have no idea. Bella, please talk to us. What happened?" Alice tries to take my hand. I jerk my hand back and whimper. "What the fuck!?"

"He... left. Edward. It hurts. Have to... hold it in," I finally manage to say.

"That fucker! I'm going to kill him," Alice says.

"Get in line," Jasper growls.

"No," I whisper. "Not his fault. My fault. I'm... dirty. I'm not worthy." Saying it out loud is like a slap in the face. The hole in my chest widens. I scream.

"She told him," Alice says flatly. "She told him and the fucker left her. He left her like this. I'll murder him with my bare hands; the sorry sack of shit."

"Told him what? I'm confused. Is this 'bout what happened to her?" Jasper rubs comforting circles on my back. The tears have started again. Alice asks if she can tell him. I nod.

Alice starts brushing her hand through my hair. "A little over two years ago, Bella was raped. Her attacker dragged her out the back door of a bar that we were at and... well, you know. Then he stabbed her in the side and left her to die in the alley. She never saw his face; he wouldn't let her. All she heard was a voice. He called himself 'the Beast'.

"They did a rape kit at the hospital and we thought that it would hit in the system because he said he had learned his lesson. We assumed that she wasn't his first, but there was no match. At least the DA said that there was no match. The case went cold. She stayed in the hospital for weeks. She almost died. When she came out of the anesthesia she was different. Her fiancé, Mike, aka Douchebag, couldn't handle the changes in her. I mean, really, what did he expect? He bailed on her. She moved in with me.

"A few months later we decided to move here to Seattle for a fresh start. You know all about how long it took her leave the house during those first few months. All that hard work; down the drain, because that asshole couldn't handle it. We were so wrong about him. I swear if I ever see him again, I will beat the hell out of him. This is unforgivable."

"If ya see him? I'm huntin' the fucker down and jerkin' a knot so hard in his tail he won't ever get it out. This is beyond cruel; leavin' her like this." Jasper has started gently patting me on the thigh. "It's gonna be alright, honey, we'll take care of ya. We love ya. We'll take care of it for ya."

"No," I whisper, "leave him alone. I should never... I knew I was.... My fault." I shudder and begin to sob. "Please, Alice," I take a painful breath, "I want to go to bed. Help me." Jasper scoops me into his arms and takes me to my room. He gently lays me on the bed. He leaves so that Alice can help me change into my pajamas. I remove an arm at a time from my chest. I have to hold it in. I curl back into a ball and Alice pulls the covers over me.

She sits on the edge of my bed. "Bella, is there anything I can do? Please, I feel so helpless."

I reach out a hand and take hers. "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I need you. Please don't leave me," I say frantically.

"Oh, honey, never. You're stuck with me. I'm going to let you rest. I'll be right outside. You yell if you need me and I'll come right back in. Is that okay?" I nod. She squeezes my hand gets up to leave. She stops at the door and looks back. Her expression is one that I haven't seen in months – pity. I close my eyes and clutch my chest.

I can hear them talking in the living room. They're trying to figure out what to do. Jasper thinks I need to see a doctor. Alice thinks she needs to call Charlie. They both want to hunt down Edward and kill him. They don't understand. This isn't his fault; it's mine. I should have fought the Beast. I shouldn't have let him do it. I'm... tainted. I'm cursed.

~*~*~*~

I wake screaming. Alice and Jasper rush into my room. Alice throws her arms around me. I'm shaking and crying. It was horrible. "Bella, it's okay. It was only a dream. It's okay," Alice comforts me. Jasper stands behind her, wringing his hands. He looks scared and worried. I hate that I'm doing this to them. The shaking is subsiding. I start to calm down a little. Alice rubs my back as I cry. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asks.

I pull back so I can look at her. Jasper kneels down by the bed and takes one of my hands. "He was hurt. There was blood and glass everywhere. He was hurt. He was lying in the floor. I couldn't help him. There was so much blood. He wasn't moving. I yelled at him to move; to do something so I would know that he's alive. He just laid there in the blood and glass. He was so hurt," I sob.

"Who was hurt, sweetie?" Alice asks.

"Edward," I cry out as I wrap my arms around Alice again. "I couldn't get to him. He looked like he was dead."

"He will be if I see him anytime soon," I hear Jasper mumble.

"No," I say to Jasper, "you can't hurt him. I couldn't stand it. This isn't his fault, it's mine."

"Bella, I hate to say this, 'cause it's probably the last thing ya need to hear right now, but that's just absurd. You haven't done a single thing wrong." Jasper pulls me from Alice's arms and takes me by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "You were attacked and raped. That wasn't your fault. Your prick of a fiancé left you. That wasn't your fault. Edward freaked out and ran outta here, God only knows why. That wasn't your fault either. Nothin' that has happened in the last two years is your fault. Please stop takin' the blame."

"I don't know," I say. "Why would he leave if I hadn't done something wrong?"

"Because he's an insensitive, selfish asshole," Alice says. "Jasper is right, Bella. I've been trying to convince you for years that you've done nothing wrong. None of what's happened to you is your fault. You have to come to terms with that."

"Then why did he leave? I thought he loved me. You guys thought he loved me. Why did he leave?" I can't make sense of it. "And why does it feel like there's a hole in my chest?" I wrap my arms around myself again and drop back onto the pillow. "It hurts so much. It hurts more than when Mike left me. I expected Mike to leave; I never expected this from Edward. He promised he would never leave me. I don't understand." I start to cry again.

"Is there anything we can do for you, sweetie?" Alice asks.

"I just want to be alone for a while. I have to think," I say as I roll over onto my other side.

"Okay, Bells, we'll be in Alice's room. Just holler if ya need us," Jasper says as they leave my room. I hear the door close. It doesn't make sense. Why would he lie to me? Why would he tell me that he loves me and that he would never leave me? Why did he lie?

~*~*~*~

I spend the next several days in my room. Alice comes in with food, but I can't eat. Where would the food go? My body is an empty cavity. I'm a shell. I have nothing left inside. My eyes won't even produce anymore tears. I have nothing left.

I have Alice call, Marcus, the owner of the café on Sunday night and tell him that I'm sick. He will have to get someone to cover my shift for a few days. I may never go back. I haven't made up my mind yet.

I hear Alice answer my cell phone one day, I'm not sure what day it is; I've lost track. Whoever it is gets an ear full. She yells at them to never call my phone again. I assume that it's Edward. I don't have the energy to protest her attack on him.

I have the same nightmare every night. I always see Edward covered in blood and laying in glass. He looks to be dead. I can't reach him and he won't move. I always wake screaming. Alice always comforts me. I'm pathetic.

He has hurt me so badly, but, God help me, I still love him. I love him so much that the pain from it consumes me. I feel nothing but the emptiness of his absence. I long for his touch; I long for his kiss. I ache for him. I should hate him, but I can't. He's too much a part of me; a part that's been ripped away, leaving a gaping hole that nothing can repair or fill.

I finally crawl out of my bed and walk into the living room. God bless Alice. She's taken a week's vacation to stay with me. I've called in everyday this week. I hope to be able to go back to work on Monday, but I don't know. We'll just have to see. I haven't eaten anything since Friday night. I still don't feel hungry, but I know that I need to eat. Alice looks up. "Hi," she says as she scoots over on the couch to make room for me. "How do you feel?"

"Drained," I answer. "I should eat," I say looking down at my arms still wrapped around my body.

"What would you like, sweetie?" I shrug. I don't care, anything will do. "You don't have anything in particular I mind?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm not really hungry, but I need to eat. Anything will do." It will probably taste like dirt no matter what it is.

"How about some Crunch Berries? You love those," she says with a smile. I know she's trying to make me feel better and I appreciate it.

"Sure," I say. I get up and follow her to the kitchen. She makes me a bowl of cereal and puts it on the bar for me. She gets me a Diet Dr. Pepper from the refrigerator. I eat. I was right... dirt. "Who was on the phone?" I ask.

"What?" she says looking at me with confusion.

"Who called my phone? I heard you answer it and yell at them. Who was it?" I suspect it was Edward.

"Someone named Cynthia. She said that she is Edward's assistant." I nod that it's true. "What a jerk. He had his assistant call to break up with you. He's such a coward."

"Is that what she said? Did she call to break up with me?" I take another tasteless bite of cereal as I try to process this information.

"Not really. I sort of didn't give her a chance." She looks at me sheepishly. "Shit. I was so mad. I just assumed. I told her not to call your phone again and then I turned it off. I guess I should have let her talk, huh?"

"It's okay. You're probably right. After all, he hasn't bothered to call, has he? It's just as well. I'm not good enough for him." I drop the spoon back in the bowl and wrap my arms back around myself.

"Please stop saying things like that, Bella. You're too good for him. He's a dick. You don't need him. You can do so much better. We'll get you through this and move on. It's going to be okay, sweetie," she says as she pats my shoulder.

"I need a shower." I stand and go into the bathroom. I strip off my pajamas. I turn on the water in the shower. I step in. I bathe. I wash my hair. I get out. I brush my teeth. I comb my hair. I wrap the towel around myself and go into my room. I put on clean pajamas. All normal things for a person to do. Why does it feel so wrong to be doing them? It just all seems so pointless now.

I ask Alice to help me change the sheets on my bed. The nightmares make me break out into cold sweats. I have no energy after making the bed, so I lie back down. Alice crawls into bed with me. She puts her arm around me and holds me while I cry. I guess I can make more tears. I evidently cried myself to sleep, because I wake with a start. At least I didn't scream this time. When I jumped I woke Alice. "Are you alright?" she asks as she rubs her eyes.

"No, nightmare again," I sigh. "I'll be okay, Alice. It's just going to take time. I love him so much. I miss him."

"I'm not going to pretend to understand how you can still love the man. If I never see him again it will be too soon; I told his assistant as much." I start to cry again. "Oh, Bella, I'm sorry. I'm just so angry with him. He doesn't deserve someone as wonderful as you." She takes me in her arms again to comfort me.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'll try to get better. You don't need to keep picking up the pieces of me. It's not your responsibility to keep me sane." I shouldn't burden her with this.

"Bella, you're my best friend. You're like a sister to me. Helping you is my responsibility. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't love and support you?" She strokes my hair. I don't deserve such a wonderful friend.

~*~*~*~

I wake up and notice the daylight coming through the window. I look at the clock; it says 10:00. I slept through the rest of the night without the nightmare. That's progress, right? I get up and go into the living room. Jasper and Alice are on the couch. "Hey, Bells! Ya hungry? Wanna omelet?" Jasper asks?

"Say yes, Bella. They're fabulous!" Alice says. They're trying so hard to be upbeat for me.

"Sure," I say to Jasper. He springs from the couch and goes into the kitchen. I sit down next to Alice. "What day is it?" I ask.

"It's Friday, sweetie. Why?"

"I think I'm going to try to go back to work on Monday. What did you tell them I had?" I want to make sure I've got the story straight.

"I told Marcus that it was the flu. I thought that would explain a whole week off and the weight loss," she says as she reaches up to touch my face.

"Do I look bad?" I ask.

"You look thin and tired. It's not bad. You look like you've been sick and you have been. Heart sick is an illness, right?" She puts her arm around my shoulders. "It will be fine. You'll gain back the weight. Jasper will help. His southern cooking can really pack it on. I've gained five pounds since we started dating. I have to really push myself at the gym to keep from gaining any more."

"Where's my phone?" I ask. Alice looks at me like I've lost my mind. "I want to check to see if Charlie has called. I haven't talked to him in a few days." I haven't talked to him since I went comatose. "He'll be worried."

"I put it in my room. I'll go get it." She gets up just as Jasper is bringing my omelet to me. I force a smile onto my face and tell him thank you. It looks good. I hope it doesn't taste like dirt. Alice comes back with my phone. "Here you go," she says as she hands it to me. I put it on the couch beside me. I'll turn it back on after I eat.

I finish my omelet and feel some better. It was very good. It didn't taste like dirt. Jasper takes my plate back to the kitchen. He's a great guy. I had hoped that Edward would be just as great. He seemed to be; maybe even a little better. I still don't understand how I could have been so wrong about him. I pick up my phone and turn it on. The little voicemail icon shows up on the screen. I call my voicemail. I have three messages; all left on Wednesday. The first one starts to play.

Bella, this is Cynthia. I don't know who I talked to before, but I really need to talk to you. Please call me back. It's about Edward. My number is...

I press the seven to delete. I love him, but I have to move on. The second message starts.

Bella, it's Cynthia again. Please call me. I need to...

I delete that one too. The third message starts.

Bella. Edward is unconscious in the hospital. You need to call me...

I drop the phone. He's what!? My hand flies to my mouth. I stop breathing.

"Bella, what's wrong? Is it Charlie?" Alice reaches out and takes my other hand. I'm shaking uncontrollably.

"N-n-no," I stutter. "It's Edward. He's in the hospital."