I did not answer, I could not, all I could focus on was the fact that I was blind, that I now could no longer see. One tends to forget how much we rely on sight to live our lives. I remember seeing those few blind people during the few times that the Dursley's let me outside, but I had never realized exactly what they suffered through.
Sure, there were the few moments where the spell had painfully forced me to lose my sight, but that was nothing, fleeting compared to the psychological agony of not knowing what is going on around you. Not knowing is someone is about to attack you, or if it is daytime or nighttime.
How was I supposed to fight Tommy Boy now? He could approach me right now and I would not be prepared and would only know when he started to speak. However, by then it would be pointless as I would already be dead.
I should have heeded Assim's advice and not gone. What was I thinking? I was not able to use wizarding magic; I should have known that with a daedra at their head and a daedra as an enemy that they would be able to fight daedra. How could I have forgotten that the wizards had fought daedra before and had won?
Stop it this instance Harry, there is no need to second-guess yourself anymore, yes I am quite aware of your ability to berate yourself for your mistakes and to dwell on them. Yes, you probably should have taken my advice yet I knew that you would not, because some things are meant to happen.
You have managed to relieve the Longbottoms from the vulnerable Hospital and moved them to a more secure facility where you can heal them without worrying about others getting in the way. However, for everything gained, something must be deducted and in this case, it was your eyesight, something which while currently seems like it is a big deal, in reality, it is not.
Of course I can have my eyesight returned after all this is the magical world what was I thinking.
You unfortunately cannot. The doctors, who work here, will not even try to heal you due to your criminal status, and neither Fawkes nor I can heal you due to the nature of the spell, which did not just sever the nerves around the eye but removed them from you.
No, no this cannot be. He could not have done that. That was too cruel of him to do. They were the only thing I had left of my mother, the only bonds between the two of us. I stopped talking because I had lost the will to continue on speaking. The news burning a long trail of ice into my heart, I was losing my connection with the Potters, with my family.
I felt claws digging into my shoulders and a feeling of warmth borrowed into my being, a pop later I found myself on a comfortable surface that gave way allowing me to feel like it was comforting me. However, I had no idea where I was or what was going on. If only I had my eyes.
Harry! Harry! Please stop! They are only eyes, a physical characteristic nothing more.
How can you say that! Only eyes, only eyes I mutter. You have no idea of the importance these eyes are to me. What other characteristic do I have of my mothers? People will no longer tell me I have my mother's eye. I have more of my father in me then I have of my mother's, I have my father's cloak his face his need for glasses and the corporeal patronus.
I do not have parents only a few tangible pieces that remind me of them and of what I have missed. People telling me that I look like my father, but have my mother's eyes. I do not even know what she was like, who were her friends, what she liked to do in her free time. What she did after school or for that matter, what my father did. I knew she had red hair but I didn't even inherit that.
Harry please calm down, you must relax. You are more like your mother then you know. Not everything that connects children to their parents is physical; you have your mothers drive and temper.
How would you know? From what I know of them, they never came here.
Your father's parents lived in the manor and so when your father took your mother here to meet his parents I got a chance to see her as at that time I was your grandfather's companion.
After they started dating your father often sent letters from school talking about her and how great she was about how she use to spend time with Severus and would always defend Severus whenever the marauders' played jokes on him.
She stood by him up until Severus called her a mudblood then she rejected his friendship and left him for your father. The way that Severus seemed to cling to your mother was similar to that of your fathers and I think that Severus might have loved her.
Though I do not know because I never met him, nor did she never mention it when she visited with your father, but she seemed always distant and sad. Your father and his band of merry followers defiantly tried to cheer her up, but it never worked.
Why did Remus or Sirius never tell me these things? They never really talked much about them, other then how much looked like them. Remus did say that I was like them, but he would never specify in what way.
It was probably because it was such a painful subject to them. Though I think eventually, they would have told you.
Thank you for telling me what little of my mother that you knew. It is nice to know about her, though I am surprised about Severus, I know some of it from the memory of Severus' that I had seen during his attempts to teach me occlumency, but I never realized that there was more behind Severus then the teacher I had for five years.
You will often find that Slytherins hide their true feelings behind emotionless masks due to the self-preservation they value and that since most of the Slytherins care only about themselves prevents friendship among them.
It is sad, while it is beneficial in keeping things close to their chests most of them allow it to consume them and not allow themselves to open up. This is mostly due to the polarization created at Hogwarts as well as from the dogma spewed from parents.
Most parents are and this is not limited to pureblood parents, but to muggles as well. They also tend to try to impose their views on their children without regards to what actually is best for their individual child.
Sure if their child likes the same things as their parents or shares their same viewpoint then yes the parents are doing the right thing. However, most children want to be different from their parents, they may value things differently, or even opposite to what their parents' value and in these cases all the parents are doing is driving a wedge between them and their child
I have watched them over the years grow from their lowly beginning easily to surpass the wizarding world. Yet despite their developments scientifically as well as technologically, there have been little developments socially and environmentally.
They tend to care more for themselves then for others. They also focus their thoughts on the moment, on the here and now. The majority seems never to care about the consequences of their actions and more importantly, they never seem to step back and look at the global picture.
They also enjoy petty squabbles over religion and imaginary borders, which have changed countless times throughout my lifetime, and yet they continue to view them with such importance.
The wizarding world is much worse than the muggle world. Your people honestly believe that they are better than the muggles. However, those that firmly believe that have never interacted with them so it is based purely on their belief that magic is superior to everything. Ignoring the pureblood Dogma, the entire magical world is stagnant in the late 1800s.
So what am I going to do? My eyes cannot be healed so that means I am going to remain permanently blind. How am I going to fight? How am I supposed to meet my promise of retribution if I cannot fight? How can I fight and defeat Tommy Boy when I cannot tell what the spells he will cast are, or from where?
How can I defend myself from the spells cast on me if all those spells are cast silently? I highly doubt that the Death Eaters will graciously speak the spells for my benefit. I snorted at that image; it was nice that I had retained my sense of humor, however strange it was.
You will learn that physical sight is not the only way to see, and that it tends to be quite flawed and limited in what it actually can see. This is why I am sending you away for an unknown period.
When do I leave?
Now
But, I haven't packed yet? What do I need?
Only the clothes on your back.
I felt the sensation again followed by a drastic drop in temperature. A cold wind was constantly burning into my exposed head and hands. I unsuccessfully tried to lower my head into my chest, while my hands frantically dug into my armpits. Inwardly I was shocked that I had found my armpits in the first place.
Where am I and why am I here?
You are in Tibet outside the gates of Shambhala. It is a wizard community removed from mainstream society in order to devote themselves to obtaining enlightenment. It is hidden by spells so that no ordinary person can find it. Of course, those who are enlightened can, mainly because they have become aware of what you call magic.
Now a man is approaching you, he will be your teacher and his is already aware of your blindness so there is no need to bother him with excuses. From now on he will be your master, your guide to being able to see again. Goodbye for now and open your mind.
The pressure on my shoulders left and I was left alone in the cold air. I heard the soft crunching of feet on snow signaling the approach of my master. I once again was crying over the loss of my sight, I had no idea what he looked like, how can I know who I am being taught by, for all I could know it could be the Yeti.
"So you're my new student"
"Yes"
"Humph, we'll see, regardless you will address me as Sifu, now follow me."
"How? I don't know where you are."
"Do you not have ears to hear and feet to feel? This is your first lesson; you have more senses then just sight, use them."
I heard the crunching in the snow and turned towards it, this was easier than I thought. I heard the sound dimming and realized I was being left behind. I slowly moved forward testing the surface before me as I went. I had no idea where I was I could be on the edge of a cliff.
Over the wind I heard a low moaning sound coming from up ahead. After several minutes of walking, I could detect that the low moaning sounds were actually chanting. Suddenly the wind stopped and the chanting became clearer. I deep thud sounded behind me, we must be inside the walls though I still felt the snow tickly my face so we must not yet be inside.
The crunching on the snow alerted that we were moving again. The crunching stopped to be replaced by light clunking; he must now be on wood. I moved forward and felt my toe hit something hard and moving my foot around to map it out in my mind.
I realized that it was a step so I raised my foot up and then set it down. I heard another clunk this time right in front of me and so I pushed myself up onto the foot and then raised my other foot and set it down beside my first one.
I felt a little embarrassed, here I was, a teenager, finding satisfaction is being able to walk up stairs. I repeated the process twice more before once again, finding the way in front of me clear. I continued to follow the clunking, thankful for its existence as it gave me focus and led me. I heard a soft grating sound, of wood on wood friction and then the clunking continued.
I followed hearing the same grating sound behind me. Silence once again struck out at me and I felt the panic rise up in me again. I had not realized how much I had depended on the clunking until now. I felt hands grab at my clothes and after a few moments, I felt coolness settle over me, my bare skin screaming at me to cover it.
Finally, it got its wish and I felt something smooth and light embrace my skin. "Sit" and so I sat down where I was and faced the source of the voice. I felt the cold hard surface of wood under me seeping its cold touch into my butt. "Now I want you to quiet your monkey mind, ignore all your thoughts and let it wash over you." He wants me to meditate; oh, I can do this, I already had to do this for Occlumency training.
"Quiet! Let all the thoughts flow over you, they are nothing more than distractions. Ordinary students would be taught the sutras but since your ability prevents you we will focus on meditation in the hopes that you will find your way to enlightenment."
I did what he asked and let the thoughts flirt across my mind without actually focusing on them, but nothing happened. After what felt like hours and probably was. I heard the clunking again "you will remain here and continue to meditate until you have reached enlightenment.
"What about food and eating?"
"You won't be fed until I think you should, and that most likely will be when you reach enlightenment, so if I were you I would reach it before you die." With that, the clunking faded and died to the sound of grating of the door being shut.
My stomach was in pain but I quieted it, I had to reach enlightenment before I died. My mouth dried up but I ignored it. Time had lost meaning the moment I had lost my sight, as I could no longer see the sun, all there was, was uniform darkness.
While I was meditating, whatever small piece of time I had was gone, without food to tell me when it was morning or evening, time could have stood still or moved rapidly and to me it would feel the same.
My stomach was now shouting at me painfully, it was demanding that I stop this nonsense and go fill myself up with food. This time it was harder to ignore it to push it aside, I was feeling the effects of lack of food and it was quite painful. I knew that I had better hurry up and reach enlightenment; otherwise, I would give up on this fruitless quest. I heard crunching on the snow outside, it was then replaced by the clunking of feet on the wood, someone was coming.
"It appears that meditation alone is not enough to invoke enlightenment. You do not seem to be the person who seeks the power of words, only action. I detected a slight insult in there and was about to protest when he spoke again "So after your meal we will proceed to the room where you will hopefully reach your enlightenment through a process that for most of our order is forbidden, combat."
I followed him trusting in him to lead me to the dining hall. We walked in silence for which I was thankful as then I could concentrate on the sound our feet made in the snow and the soft fingers of snow stroking my cheek.
Once again, the crunching stopped and was replaced by clunking and I felt out the steps and proceeded to cautiously climb them. It was easier for me to climb steps now, it was almost automatic, but I still forced myself to proceed with caution.
Finally, the snowflakes disappear and I was once again inside. The difference was that here there was noise, whispering in a language that I could not understand. I heard faint clunking and focused on that trying to ignore all the other sounds and to focus only on the clunking so that I would be able to know where I was suppose to go.
Finally, the clunking stopped and this time I felt out with my hands until I hit a hard surface and felt along it, it was long hard and rough. Judging that it was at waste level it must be a bench and so I carefully stepped over the bench before sitting down.
Now came the tricky part of eating, reaching out with my hands I felt a plate and on that plate some bread which I snatched quickly and began attacking it with my teeth. It was beyond delicious. I did not know that such exquisite food existed. The voice in the back of my brain informed me that it only tasted that way because I was starving, but I swatted that voice away.
After I was done, I reached forward feeling for a cup of liquid to revive my mouth of both its lack of liquid and of the leftovers sucked up in the bread. For this, I was more careful to reduce the chance of spilling the cup.
Finally I found it, it felt wooden and smooth, but I did not care I gripped it and pulled it slowly to my lips, savoring the delicious liquid inside. Once I had relieved the cup of its contents, I sat it down, not caring where it ended up. Now I felt hungrier then I started out being, though I was confused as to how that could be. I had eaten so logically I should be less hungry now then I was to begin with.
After I was done with my meal, I waited for the clunking to signal my departure to the next attempt at enlightenment. I was nervous about this mainly because how was I going to fight when I could not see.
I heard the clunking and so I carefully got up hoping that I did not end up hitting anyone who was sitting next to me. I followed the clunking until I felt the usually presence of those lovely warm flakes tickling my face. I heard crunching fading away and picked up the pace.
Another door closed behind me and I followed the padding until it stopped. The floor felt different under my boots though I could not tell because I was still wearing boots.
"Now take this." I felt something poke me in my right hand and I opened it to allow it to slide through my hand. It was smooth, fit nicely in my hand, and was not too heavy. "Good now close it and bring it up in front of you. Excellent! Now prepare yourself"
I groaned inwardly, not another Snape lesson. I felt a hard surface hit me in the left shoulder and I felt a burning spread throughout that area, I screamed in pain. "What are you doing? Don't just stand there and take it, open up your senses listen to the sword as it whistles through the air."
"Now prepare yourself. Again!" This time I focused on trying to hear the wind, I heard it faintly to the left and moved my arm over to that side hoping that it would block it. I felt a burning, digging into my side just below my armpit.
"Better you guessed correctly on which side it was coming from but you were preparing for me to strike at your shoulder. Focus more, you are not limited to your physical senses, use your instincts, do not limit yourself to the physical world, Buddha teaches us that everything is nothing. You must free your mind from the physical world and let your body go. You will find that your body knows what to do but your mind is holding you back."
"Again!" This time I tried to do what he said, I heard the wind whistling signaling the blade approaching and I let my body take over, I felt the blade approaching from the right aiming for my side. I did not want to feel the pain again and I felt the arm move on its own accord and I waited for the burning, but instead I felt my arm shiver and a clack sound ringing in my ears.
"Good, very good, however no opponent will stop after the first blow." I felt the pressure on the blade lessen and then I felt it heard it the blade moving to the other side. I tried to move my arm to the other side but I wasn't quick enough and I felt the burning right in the same spot and I howled unable to stop myself.
"Now that you are able to block one, as soon as you block it, ready yourself for another strike. Again!" I prepared myself and blocked the first two before I felt a burning pain in my left calf, which brought me down to my knees.
"Getting better, maybe you aren't so helpless. No matter how good you might get you will still be taking blows, you need to embrace the pain of each blow and shrug it off. If you don't, then any blow will cripple you and allow your opponent to finish you off. Now shove that pain to the back of your mind and forget it."
I did what he suggested and the pain lifted, I could still feel the throbbing in my leg and my side and shoulder, but that was dulled. As soon as I stood, I felt the blade coming at me again and quickly blocked it. "Good! Never let your guard down."
"Constant Vigilance" I muttered
"What was that?"
"Something a wizard constantly shouted at us."
"He is correct; one can never know when an attack will come from; especially with your own weakness of being sightless." As he was talking, I felt the blade lift and then come at me from a different direction and I moved and blocked it.
After about seven blocks, I felt my arm get heavier and I began to slow down my movements, I felt the blows now: left shoulder, right, shoulder, left calf, right calf, right side, left side. I tried to ignore the pain but it was building up pressure, fighting me. Finally, it broke through and I shut down from the overstimulation.
I felt nothing below me or around me. Suddenly I felt the soft movement in the air faint fluttering on my skin. The air reeked of sweat, and weaved in-between was smell of burning wax that smelled of flowers. I heard the throbbing of two hearts, one was frantic the other calm and steady.
I noticed a glow coming off me and realized that I was blazing with millions of little sparkles floating off me before disappearing. As I looked closer, I realized that the light was flickering to the sound of the frantic beating. I looked around me realizing that the room was glowing, just enough to show where the walls were.
The floors on the other hand were similar to me though still not as bright. The small glowing particles were rising off the floor. In front of me I finally noticed stood a glowing being, probably the Sifu, the only difference between us was that instead of the particles leaving him they seemed to swirl around him almost dancing. This was too much to take in and so once again, blackness stole me away.
4