Chapter Twenty-One: Reading Between the Lines
Marissa sat at the table and sighed, resting her elbows lazily on the wood and running a hand through her wet and wavy hair. She sat back in her seat in the dining hall and rubbed a hand over her face as she stared blankly ahead. Kristin still hadn't come back with their breakfast yet, so she sat there alone, thinking about Ryan and this current situation. Did that seriously just happen? Why was he acting so nervous and strange around her? She thought things were going great between them the night before. What happened in the past few hours that brought them back to this point?
Marissa scoffed, eternally smacking herself for thinking maybe she and Ryan could try again…for what? The fourth time now? Why did everything always have to drive them apart? Why couldn't they love each other enough to make things work 'til they were blue? This break up hit her especially hard. It was a point in her life when she needed him most. Needed him there to hold her and tell her things would be okay. Be there to calm her nerves about leaving Newport and starting over. She knew the only thing that would keep her goin was Ryan…until now.
Why had she been so stupid? She and Ryan had promised each other that they'd stick together no matter what…that they would just put all the crap that happened with Trey behind them, start over together and overcome whatever the future had in store for them. Obviously that didn't really happen. Instead…she got kicked out of school and met Johnny Harper, the guy that pretty much ruined everything and made Marissa break that promise. He was a good friend to Marissa for a long time, but things just got too hard. He had fallen in love with her, tried to kiss her on occasion, even told her to choose between him and Ryan.
Marissa knew she and Johnny had a connection, but it wasn't the same kind of connection she felt when she was with Ryan. It wasn't that kind of mysterious curiosity she always had when she was near him…wondering what he was thinking about at all times, wondering if he was just as happy as she was when they were together. She liked not knowing. It kept things exciting, until things got complicated and they fought again. Everything just through her for a loop when Johnny died. She didn't know how to react or feel about it…him. Even if she didn't have any romantic feelings for Johnny, even if she did ultimately chose to be with Ryan… he was still her friend, and he meant something to her just like all friends are supposed to.
Why did it have to happen? Why? Especially on the one Valentine's Day she and Ryan could spend together without fighting or kissing other girls. It was supposed to be perfect and that day completely crashed and burned. She had struck a nerve in Ryan's heart…saying he was happy that Johnny was gone. How could she? After everything he'd done…everything he put up with over the months and months of this ridiculous love triangle…after being there for her with a comforting smile, just to be ignored and snapped at for something he had no control over.
She ruined and broke their relationship once again, after they were just getting things back on track. She turned Johnny down….wrote him the note expressing who she really wanted, and finally reconnected with Ryan for those short few minutes of passion. Marissa hated herself for not turning off her cell phone before the whole ordeal. For some reason…they were always interrupted at times like that. It was like the cellular God wanted to put a stop to it or something.
The only reason she was happy she hadn't…was because Kaitlin would have been there alone to deal with Johnny's drunken incoherence. She would have no one to turn to and would probably never forgive herself if Johnny fell while she was just standing there and watching. If anything, Kaitlin would have had to climb that cliff too just to get him to calm back down and walk to safety…while Marissa and Ryan were getting busy on the pool house futon. Marissa herself would feel guilty too…guilty for not being there for two other people…three if you count Ryan, who was pretty disappointed when they had to stop their foreplay session.
Marissa sat at the table, still alone…going through all of it in her head. Trey. The shooting. Dean Hess. Newport Union. Johnny. Chili. Casey. Her father. Ryan…Volchok. She sighed and sunk back in her seat to lean her head back on the chair. Volchok. Why would she ever in her right mind want to date him? She thought about everything they had done in the past few weeks…everything that led up to that point. Everything was going fine…and least for Newport standards… and then suddenly she found herself sleeping with the guy who kidnapped her only to get to Ryan and snorting coke in the back of his van.
She was someone she hated when she was with him, the burnout who completely gave up on life once things got too hard. She dismissed her mother when she knew all she wanted was to keep her safe and be there for her finally…and fought with Summer over something juvenile and as absurd as "heavy metal vomit parties". She knew she needed to get out after what happened with Heather. Even though Volchok had nothing to do with that particular incident…she couldn't help but think he had done it before. He friends seemed to be pros at the process.
Marissa looked away from the table to the food lines again…still seeing Kristin deep in flirtatious conversation. How long did it take to put pancakes on a tray and walk back? The guy could have even come to sit with them just so she could eat….not that she was even hungry now anyway. Marissa grew impatient and finally got up from the table to walk over. She politely made her presence known my leaning in her head and clearing her throat. "Hey, uh…" she started, looking at Kristin and the guy awkwardly. "I'm actually not feeling very well so I was just wondering if I could have the key to go back." Kristin didn't even look at Marissa…just handed her the key ring to her apartment and kept right on chatting with the guy.
Marissa thanked Kristin sarcastically and went back to the table to retrieve her coat and umbrella. Maybe if she just went back to the apartment and lay back down for a while, things would begin to make some sense. Maybe when she saw Ryan in a few hours, things would be back to normal again for the plane ride. Maybe. Hopefully. Marissa pulled her arms through the sleeves of her wet jacket and walked through the dining hall in the direction of the exit and entrance doors. She stopped abruptly once outside and stood under the overhang to open her umbrella.
It was still pouring. She wondered when all this rain would finally stop…when the sun would come back out and brighten at least something in her life. Marissa positioned the umbrella over her head as she forced herself out into the pounding water. She jogged slightly; trying to get to Kristin's as fast as possible so she wouldn't have to completely ring herself out once she was there. There was really only one thing she knew would make her feel better at a time like this…only one thing she could do to comfort her now. She needed to call Summer…