It's Wednesday morning.
He's hardly eaten, he's barely slept, and he's sitting against the foot of his bed with his ass on the floor, rolling an empty bottle of Jameson's back and forth.
He tries Dean's number again. Straight to voice mail.
A bubble of anger wells up inside of him, and Castiel shoves the bottle, and it tumbles down the stairs, shattering noisily about halfway down.
Leaning his head back against the bed, he fights back the tears that have been threatening most of the morning, since he woke up on the floor with the empty bottle in his grasp. He still can't believe how thoroughly he's fucked this up. He should have gone after him. He should have wrapped his arms around Dean and held him and forced him to listen until the other man accepted his apology.
And now, Dean won't answer his phone, won't pick up long enough for Castiel to beg for forgiveness.
"And you're going to sit there and beat yourself up instead of getting your ass on the next flight to Kansas to fix whatever it is you've fucked up."
Castiel jumps as Gabe's voice sounds out in the empty loft. He hadn't even heard him come in. His brother makes his way up the stairs, gingerly avoiding the broken glass. He sits down on the floor beside Castiel.
"So what did you do?"
"Something stupid," Castiel replies with a sigh. "And how'd you know it was me?"
"Just a feeling. You asked him to move here, didn't you?"
"Yes. And before you rub it in my face, fine, you were right. I fucked up."
"Not like I'm happy about being right. So he didn't want to move?"
"No. And I said something really stupid, and he didn't give me the chance to apologize, he left. And I should have followed him. Why the hell didn't I follow him?"
Gabe sighs. "Let me ask you something. When you picture yourself happy, where are you?"
"In Kansas, with Dean." He doesn't even need to think about that.
"Then move."
"I can't."
"Bullshit. You film an entire season in four weeks, and you can stay at my place while you're doing that. I run the restaurant. You hate this loft. Move. You'll be happier there, and so will he."
Castiel sighs and drops his head. "It's probably too late. Dean probably hates me now."
"Then get your ass out there and crawl on your knees for forgiveness. Isn't it better to go out there and have him tell you no, then spend the rest of your life wondering?"
"I don't know."
"Dammit, Castiel! Will you get your head out of your ass and make this right? He loves you, anyone who sees you together can see it, and I've never seen you happier. Fucking get your ass on a fucking plane and fix this!" Gabe turns to face him and grabs Castiel's shoulders with both hands and shakes him a bit. His golden eyes are fiery, at the same time filled with a level of seriousness that he rarely sees in his older brother. "For the love of God, fix this, Cassie."
He sits and considers Gabe's words for a moment, then a tiny bubble of hope fills him. "You're right. I have to try. I love him. I can't let this, I can't let him go that easy."
"Thatta boy!"
"Gabe. The restaurant though…"
"Are you shitting me? I already run it. Nothing would change, you can fly up once or twice a month to make sure things are still running smoothly, but really, it wouldn't be any different than it is now. You're done filming for the next six months, and there's nothing else you do that can't be done from Kansas. Get your ass on a plane and go!"
Castiel pulls himself to his feet and starts moving around the room, tossing a duffel and a suitcase on his bed. "You're right. I'm going dammit. I'm not letting that man get away from me. I've been waiting my whole life for someone like Dean. I'm not letting this slip away!"
"That's the spirit!" Gabriel says happily. "One suggestion though?"
Stopping dead in his tracks as he's yanking socks out of his dresser, Castiel raises an eyebrow.
"You stink. Take a shower first."
A very unhappy Dean drives to work Wednesday morning, and pulls the Impala into bay 2. She's making an odd noise, and he's going to get to the bottom of it.
He's exhausted, he's barely slept at all since getting home Sunday, except for the times he drank himself unconscious. That wasn't rest though, and he always woke up feeling worse.
Dean misses Cas more than he can even comprehend. When Bela left, he was disappointed, but some part of him was also relieved. He and Bela were never a good match. She wanted more out of life then Dean could possibly give her.
Cas is different. Or at least Dean thought he was. He thought he'd finally found the person he would spend the rest of his life with.
Part of Dean knows this is Cas's fault. But at the same time, maybe if he were different, more confident, then Cas wouldn't feel tied down by him. Maybe Cas really didn't mean that, about losing his freedom. Or maybe Dean's problems leave him feeling trapped.
Dean thoughts chase and contradict themselves, and by the end of the day, he's got a horrendous migraine, and all he wants to do is go home. He's only managed to start the work on the Impala, just removing the air cleaner, and the carb, so he's going to have to leave her in the shop overnight. He'll just take the orange '72 Chevelle he's working on for Ben's 16th birthday. It's not pretty, but it runs, and he'll finish baby tomorrow.
Adam's at the house when he gets in.
Annoyed, Dean doesn't say much, but makes them both spaghetti. This is Sam's doing. He's got Dean on something like suicide watch, and he's never allowed to be alone. Last night, Jo parked on his couch, while he didn't sleep and roamed the house after dark. Tonight it's Adam.
His head is still pounding, so Dean heads up at nine, hoping to get some sleep. He dozes for an hour or so, then lays awake staring at the ceiling.
So when the knock on the front door comes at three am, he's actually already awake, and beats Adam to the door.
There are two Lawrence police cars in front of his house, red and blue lights spinning in the darkness. He can see Benny peeking his head out of his front door across the street.
"Mr. Winchester?"
"Yes?"
"You own Winchester and Sons?"
"Yeah," Dean says warily.
"I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your building's on fire…"
Dean doesn't hear another word, just yanks the Chevelle's keys off the hook and screams out of the driveway a second later. He gets to the shop in three minutes, no idea how he even got there, and the building is fully involved, fire apparatus everywhere.
He's not aware of the fact that he's only in basketball shorts and tee, no shoes at all. He's not aware of Benny and the cops pulling in behind him.
All he can see is fire, fire everywhere, and bay 2.
A black car, Kansas tag KAZ 2Y5.
She's on fire.
His baby is burning.
"No, no, no, no," he babbles frantically.
The fire is intense. It's all he can see. There's screaming. People begging for help, screams, so many screams. He's back there. There's fire everywhere and he's back there. He can't breathe. His hands, something is wrong with his hands.
"Snap out of it, Dean! We ain't there, this ain't Purgatory! Snap out of it!"
Dean startles, and Benny's right there, his blue eyes wide and concerned.
"Sam's on his way. We don't need to stay here. I'm takin' ya home, brotha."
"Benny, my car, my car, my baby, Benny…"
"I know," Benny says sadly. "Let's get ya outta here."
Dean lets Benny lead him back to his truck. He's in a daze. In less than a week, he's lost his business, his beloved car, and Cas, the man he loves more than he can say.
He's scared what's left of his sanity is next.
Sam calls him as he's leaving for the airport, and Castiel spends the flight mentally pacing.
Dean's got to be a wreck, his business was so important to him. He didn't have much time to talk to Sam, all he knows is that Winchester and Sons practically burnt to the ground sometime early Thursday morning.
He finds the rental stand quickly, and gets his car, and makes the drive to Dean's faster than he ever has before.
Dean's driveway is full, and he recognizes most of the cars. Sam is there, of course, and Adam, and he thinks Ellen and Bobby. He leaves all of his things in the car and heads up to the front porch and meets Benny coming out.
"I oughta kick your ass right offa this porch you sonuvabitch!" Benny growls, and Castiel's terrified he's going to go through with that threat, but then Sam is there as well.
"It's ok, Benny. He came to make things right. Didn't you? That's what you said on the phone."
"Yes. I did."
"Ok. Look, he's on the back porch, and Cas, he's a mess, so go easy on him."
"I will Sam. I promise. I won't hurt him again."
Sam nods. "Also," he sighs, "the Impala burned too. He's not taking that well at all."
"Oh, no," Castiel murmurs.
"Yeah." Sam's eyes are wide and pleading. "look, man, he's barely slept, I can't get him to eat, he's a wreck. God, Cas, please help him. Please."
Castiel nods, then heads into the house. He's aware of the eyes of Dean's family on him as he passes through the living room and kitchen, but no one says anything.
Dean's sitting on the deck stairs, shoulders slumped and head bowed. Even from behind he looks completely defeated, and Castiel's heart breaks. A major part of this is his fault. He did this to Dean.
And he's going to make it right, starting now.
He sits beside him on the steps, but says nothing, and Dean doesn't look up. After a moment of sitting silently like this, Castiel lifts his arm and wraps it around Dean's shoulder and pulls him in. The other man raises his head finally, and his red-rimmed eyes widen in shock.
"Cas?" he whispers, like he can't believe he's actually there.
"Hello, Dean."
"Cas, what are, what are you doing here?"
"I came for you. I love you. I love you and I was wrong, and I want to make it right. Dean, you don't tie me down, and you're not taking my freedom. I love you. I love you so much, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. Please forgive me."
Dean stares at him for a moment, shock warring with misery on his face, and the misery wins as he bursts into tears. Castiel pulls him in tighter, wrapping his arms around him as firmly as he can, Dean's whole body shaking with the force of the sobs wracking his frame.
"It's ok, baby, let it out, let it out. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, let it out." He feels Dean's arms snake around his waist, and Dean is clinging to him. He raises his hand and cards his fingers through Dean's hair. "I'm so sorry. I never should have said that. I'm so sorry Dean. God, I love you. I love you so much and I don't care where we are as long as we're together. I put my loft on the market yesterday. If you'll have me, I'll move here. I'll live here with you, Dean."
Lifting his head, Dean stares up in at Castiel in wonderment. "You'd really do that? You'd move here? For, for me?"
"I'd go anywhere for you. I love you." He reaches out and brushes several tears from Dean's cheek. "I'm yours. For as long as you'll have me."
The first small hint of a smile flits across Dean's face.
It's progress.
…
Cas makes him take a Xanax, then forces him to eat some pasta. Then he drags him up the stairs and pushes him into the shower. Afterwards, he's treated to a back massage which he passes out in the middle of.
When Dean wakes the next morning, it's only seven and Cas is still sound asleep next to him. Dean pulls himself out of bed and dresses quickly in jeans, a tee, and his boots. He's surprised to find his downstairs empty of his family. He makes a quick cup of coffee, then leaves Cas a note. Dean's pleased to find the Chevelle back in his driveway, and the keys by the door, but it hurts to slide into her driver's seat instead of his baby's.
Ten minutes later, he pulls into the parking lot of Winchester and Sons.
He pulls himself out of the car and stands there and stares. There's hardly anything left, just the brick façade. Everything is gone.
Dean gingerly picks his way through the debris spread all over the parking lot, carefully making his way into bay 2.
Most of the paint has burned off the Impala. All the glass shattered in the heat. The seats are burned away. Dean lays his hands on her hood.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry," he murmurs sadly. Dean's not sure if he'll be able to restore her. The damage is pretty significant.
He hears clicking heels coming towards him, probably the insurance agent he was supposed to meet here to discuss the claim, but instead, he hears a clipped English accent.
"I can't believe it. I had to see it for myself. Look at you Dean. You've burnt down the family business!"
Dean's heart drops as he slowly turns.
She's as elegant as ever, in a crisp white suit and pale pink blouse, sky high heels and pearl necklace, brown hair perfectly styled and her eyes glittering.
"Bela."
"Hello, darling. Look what you've done." She smiles, and it's not a pleasant thing, and she peers around Dean's shoulder. "And, oh, what is this? You've managed to burn your precious car too?"
"Why are you here, Bela?" Dean growls. "I don't need this. At all."
"Oh, I just wanted to come revel in your misfortune. It's too funny."
"You are one evil fucking bitch. I don't know what the hell I ever saw in you."
Bela laughs. "Oh, Dean, I wonder that myself. If the rumors I'm hearing are true after all."
"What rumors?"
She laughs again. "Oh, darling. Rumor has it you've switched teams. That girls weren't working out for you anymore? Funny, though, I'm not all that surprised." She leans in closer, a smug grin on her face. "You were a lousy lay, you know. Half the time it's like you weren't even there at all."
"Whatever, Bela. If it makes you feel better to say that, then fine. Whatever you say."
"Does he know? Does he know what you did over there? Does he know about the girl, and Andy, sweet precious Andy?"
Dean freezes, breath caught in his throat.
"Has he been awoken in the middle of the night by one of your screaming nightmares? Does he know the real Dean Winchester?"
No. He doesn't. Because Dean never wants Cas to know about that guy. He turns away from Bela, staring at the blackened shell of his baby.
"Dean, darling, do you know why I left you for Gordon? Any idea?"
He doesn't answer.
"Because he's not messed up in the head. I never have to worry he's going to lose his mind, and mistake me for the Taliban and slit my throat in the middle of the night. I'm not afraid of him. I was always afraid of you. You're a monster, Dean. And you always will be."
She says some more garbage after that, but Dean doesn't hear her. His hands are shaking, and it's all he can do not to break down in the middle of the burned remains of his shop. She leaves, but he doesn't really notice, in fact the only thing he's aware of is the building pain in his chest as he stares at the Impala.
The insurance lady comes, and tells Dean that since it's arson, and he's just updated his policy, there will have to be a full investigation. She looks at Dean pointedly, and he realizes, with a quickly sinking heart, that she thinks he set the fire. That he did this.
By the time she's done, he's shaking all over.
The urge to run is overwhelming.
He forgets about Cas, forgets about everything, the only thing Dean can hear is the little voice in his head telling him to run.
And that's what he does.
Cas,
Had to go to the shop to meet the insurance lady. Shouldn't be long, then I'll come back and we can make breakfast or something.
We need to talk.
I love you,
Dean.
It's well after noon, and everyone Castiel could think to call is gathered in Dean's living room.
Dean's gone, no one has any idea where he is, and Castiel is about to lose his mind. He's not answering his cell, he's not at the shop, and Jo and Adam drove all over Lawrence. The old orange Chevelle is nowhere to be found.
"I can't believe he'd do this," Sam says quietly. "After you got here, he seemed so much better."
"Something must have happened. He was fine when we went to bed last night."
Benny's phone rings, and he steps out onto the porch to answer it.
"Cas, what happened with you guys, anyway?"
"I said something stupid, and I hurt him. We worked it out last night. Or at least I thought we did." Castiel was sure he'd gotten through to Dean, that he'd made it clear that he wanted to be with him.
Sam sighs. "Maybe he just went for a drive. He's the worst about not answering his phone sometimes."
Benny steps back into the house, his face stormy. "That was the insurance company. They're looking for Dean. I think I know why he ran."
"Why?"
"Because they think he started the fire."
"What?!"
"Oh no," Sam groans. "We just updated the insurance. Of course they'd think that. And with the lawsuit? Oh fuck."
"We need to find him," Benny says, "and soon."
There's a knock at the door, and Jo gets it. A white haired man with thick glasses is there, a briefcase in his hand.
"Where's Dean?" he bellows as he pushes past Jo.
"We don't know," Sam says, "who the hell are you?"
"Name's Frank Devereaux. Dean hired me to do security for him."
Benny snorts. "Yeah, well good job. Someone snuck in last night and torched the place."
"I know," Frank responds condescendingly. "That's why I'm here." He opens the briefcase and unloads a laptop computer. "I haven't had time to actually build a security system for him, but I did install cameras. And I have something I need to show him. Where is he?"
"Not here," Castiel says sadly. "We don't know where he is. The insurance company thinks he set the fire, and he's gone."
"Morons. Of course they think that. It's a conspiracy, the insurance companies always go for the owner. Big business never wants to help a guy out, never wants to give the payoff! It's all a twisted web, with big brother at the center, and it all traces back too…"
"Mr. Devereaux?" Sam interrupts, "You said you had something to show Dean?"
"Yeah." He powers up the laptop. "I got these two Nobel Prize winners breaking into the shop after hours." He turns the laptop and Sam, Castiel, and Benny all crowd around the screen.
Two figures in black, heads covered with black caps and their hands loaded full of gas cans and other items, force one of the garage doors open and slip inside. A few minutes later, they come out, and run from the building. It's not long after that and flames can be seen through the windows.
"You can't see their faces though," Sam says irritably.
Devereaux makes a disdainful grunt and taps a few buttons on the laptop. The feed is coming from another angle, and the two black figures grow closer and one of them turns and looks at something, and her face is fully in the camera.
"Ruby!" Sam yells, "she works for that fucker Crowley! The other one must be Meg!" Sure enough, the other figure turns to the first, and it's as Sam said. "Ruby and Meg! Sonuvabitch!"
"We need to find Dean," Castiel growls. "Now."