Love Goes On

Chapter 21: Fear

There have been eighty one weeks since Caleb died and the war ended. One hundred and six weeks since my parents died and the war started. One hundred and twelve weeks since I chose Dauntless. Seventy eight weeks since Christina got pregnant. Seventy five weeks since my mental breakdown. Fifty six weeks since I got engaged. Fifty two weeks since Shauna got unparalysed and engaged to Zeke. Forty eight weeks since my fight with Christina. Forty three weeks since we became friends again and she gave birth to her daughter. Thirty eight weeks since I started babysitting her daughter four times a week. Four weeks since Tobias and I got married. Three weeks since we came home from our honeymoon.

There is one week until Shauna and Zeke get married.

And life is great. Evelyn has been helping around the apartment, and with my nightmares and things. She's been like a second mum to me. Her and Tobias are getting along really well also.

Tobias and I have been great. Sometimes at night we sit out on the balcony, watching the stars, kinda like what we did in Amity. And he's been so amazing, cooking me meals, buying me sweet things, etc. he's the best husband I could have ever asked for.

Our friends are great as well.

But right now, I'm scared. More than scared. Terrified.

This morning, after Tobias left for work and Evelyn had left to go shopping, I felt sick. I threw up for like five minutes. Then, I realised I was late. Period late.

And since I used to be a midwife I know what those things could mean. But I'm too scared to take the test that I kept hidden in my cupboard, just in case. I didn't keep a test in there because we're trying for a baby, we're not. But I did it out of fear of getting pregnant. Except, now that it's a possibility I don't want to take it. In fear of it being positive.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to have a baby. But there's a high chance it could die, and I'm not ready to go through that, yet. I'm not ready for my body to let me down and make me lose a baby yet.

So here I am, sitting on the floor of my en-suite, staring at the pregnancy test box in my hand. Knowing I have to take it, I have to know. But also being too terrified to know.

Tobias told me to call him if I need anything before he went to work. He tells me that every day. But I can't get his hopes up, not yet. That doesn't mean I'm not going to tell him about the baby if I am pregnant, I will. But I don't want to call him home, tell him I'm taking a pregnancy test, get his hopes up, and then have the test come out negative.

God, what do I do?

Tears are filling my eyes already. I know I have to take it. I have to do this.

So I do. I take the test that could ruin my life.

When it's done I just leave it on the side next to the sink and wait. Why do I have to wait five minutes?

Though, when the answer comes I want it to go away. I wish I never took the test.

I start struggling for breath as the tears rush down my cheeks. I stumble back to my bedroom and over to the oxygen tank, knowing I need it. I put the mask over my nose and mouth and sink to the floor in a puddle of tears, trying to take deep breaths. But they're shaky.

I need Tobias. I need him.

I see my phone on the bedside table and reach up for it, hands shaking violently. I slowly text him, telling him I need him and it's a minute later when he replies that he's on his way. So he's going to be here soon.

I just sit on the floor, my back against the bed, my hands and arms shaking, tears trailing my cheeks, trying to breathe. Waiting.

I hear the door open and shut.

"Tris!" Tobias yells, worried.

I hear him looking around then running up the stairs. And soon he's here. Taking me in his arms and asking what's wrong.

"Tris, honey, what's the matter?"

I just point to the en-suite, not even bothering to look at it. He kisses my forehead before he stands up and leaves. When he sees it I hear him suck in a breath, and he comes back, holding the test in his hand. He sits next to me, facing me.

I just stare at him, looking in his eyes helps me to breathe.

"You're pregnant?" I hesitantly nod. I can see fear in his eyes as well, but also love, and hope. "And you're scared because of everything?" I nod again. "You know, I'm scared too, but I'm not going to leave you, no matter what happens. We'll get through this together, like we do with everything. I love you, and I love this baby, too, no matter what."

He puts the test on the bedside table and holds me in his arms, placing his hand on my belly instinctively, and mine goes over his.

"Do you want to go and see Hana when you're ready? Make sure everything is okay?"

I just nod into his chest.

When I've had the mask on for an hour I take it off, slowly, shakily. I'm still crying. Tobias didn't stop holding me the whole time, and our hands are still on my belly.

"Do you want to go and get dressed? I'll make an appointment."

I just nod again.

He helps me up and I slowly walk to the en-suite. I wash and get changed into some black leggings and one of Tobias' black jumpers. I brush my hair and spray on some perfume but that's it. I walk downstairs and find Tobias on the sofa, waiting for me.

He smiles at me slightly and we leave, hand in hand.

"We'll be okay." He whispers to me on the way there.

We sign in and sit in the waiting room. In silence.

Soon Hana calls my name and we follow her into the room next to the one where I used to work. We sit down and she smiles at us gently before asking why we came to see her.

"I, uh…"

"She took a pregnancy test this morning and it said positive. So we thought we would come and see you to see if everything is okay so far." Tobias fills in for me.

"Okay. Tris, could you lie on the table for me and I will give you an ultrasound to see if everything is going smoothly or not."

I just nod and do what she told me to.

She lifts my top up so it is just under the curve of my breasts and then she squirts the gel on my belly. Then she does the ultrasound, and I look, even though I'm scared to.

But there, in the middle of the black screen, is my baby. Flickering around. More tears fill my eyes as I look at the being that Tobias and I created, the life that I love, but the life that might not make it into this world. Tobias squeezes my hand gently and I look at him. He's smiling at the screen with tears in his eyes.

"Everything looks good. The baby is completely healthy. But remember what I've been telling you. Make sure someone is with Tris at all times, eat healthy, and wake her up from a nightmare or whatever as soon as possible. I'll give you some prenatal vitamins, they should help a bit but you still have to eat healthy, okay?" I nod.

…

That night I lie awake in bed, dreading the thought of going to sleep. My hands rest on my belly and I just think. I look at Tobias who sleeps next to me, his arm draped over my waist, protecting me and our child from the world.

We haven't told anyone about the baby yet. We decided to wait until I'm about twelve weeks to tell anyone, that way there is less chance of miscarriage, but then again, with my body the way it is a higher chance of premature labour.

I really hope this pregnancy goes well, but knowing my luck it won't.

I turn so I am on my side, facing Tobias. This causes him to stir awake.

"Tris, have you been to sleep yet?"

"No."

"You have to, for the baby."

"I know, but…"

"If you have a nightmare I'll wake you up, I promise, okay?"

"I know you will. I'm just scared."

"We're both scared. But I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere. I will be by your side this whole time, okay? Unless I have to go to a meeting, but the rest of the time I will be at home, taking care of you, okay? But even if I'm in a meeting I will keep my phone on and you can call me whenever. Now get some sleep. I'm here. And I'll be here when you wake up."

I nod and cuddle into his chest some more, breathing in the smell of him. Of home.

And I finally manage to go to sleep.

Hey Ravens, sorry for the wait, but I've been busy with College and I've been in a lot of pain due to my disability, and possibly something else which I have been tested for and should get the results back for in two weeks, I've had loads of doctors' appointments this past week. But it's half term now, so there will be some more updates.

Anyway, if you still haven't voted on the poll for this story could you please go and do it for me, it's on my page, and it will help me out a lot if you did.

I will update again when I can.

Please review!

Also, the link for my Facebook page is on my page, it's for my writing, photography and film making when I get around to that. Add me as a friend and I will accept all friend requests. Pop me a little message saying you're a fan of my stories so I know who you are. There is more info about it on my page.