Wow, I'm sorry for the delay in update but this chapter took me SO FREAKIN' long to write it's stupid. I literally have five other versions. Not cool. I don't really have much to say other than thank you to everyone (Julia = LOVE) as usual, as far as 'kickass' goes, you guys are totally it. You make me say words like 'kickass' and 'totally' in weird contexts. I love it.
Song: Delicate- Damien Rice
BPOV
Week nineteen-but-more-or-less-twenty.
It's funny how nice and noiseless children become when an adult starts crying. It's probably because they're totally freaked out, so much so, they don't know what to do but stand and stare at you. I get scared of me when I start crying never mind everyone else, so I felt I understood.
By the doorway to Angela's bedroom, almost with a military precision, stood a girl, a boy and a man. Silent and slightly disturbed they stood side by side, wide eyed and helpless as I sat on the end of the bed opposite them, weeping like a sea cow into my hands as my friend and her sister tried, and failed, to comfort me. There was calm, other than me, but their faces said it all, Holy poop, this random lady is having an emotional breakdown in Aunty Angela's room. She looks funny when she cries…
Angela had asked what it was I was blubbering about for the past half hour. Her efforts unfortunately had been futile. She wasn't really getting anything of use out of me. To be honest, I just didn't want to talk about it. The most she knew was that it involved me and it involved Edward and I was crying about it a hell of a lot. I felt really pathetic and stupid and I wanted to go to someone who wouldn't remind me of the things I was trying to forget. Someone who wasn't involved, someone who wouldn't try and get involved unless I wanted them to. The first someone I could think of was Angela.
Angela didn't pry, she listened, she comforted and she was such a kickass friend it made me cry a little more. I basically stumbled into her apartment, teary eyed, unable to see properly and on the verge of a meltdown – literally, even in the late afternoon it was still so warm outside, hel-lo air con. She still let me in despite the fact her sister Clare was visiting with her husband and children. Despite the fact I probably resembled a crack whore after a rough night. Without the crack though… or the whore part.
When I said I'd just leave since I was so obviously interrupting something and I looked like a mess – hot mess, not in the good way – she then dragged me into her bedroom and let me cry on her really nice t-shirt that had I not been weeping into it, I would have been admiring further. And then her sister came in too and I didn't even know her but apparently this 'I'm-so-fucking-nice-and-kind-and-you-can-cry-on-my-nice-top-all-you-like' thing was a family trait.
I eventually managed to cough up the goods on how I'd thought maybe Edward would have calmed down a little since the previous day and would be willing to talk properly, say what he had to say about the thing that was clearly bothering him so much, and how I'd dragged myself back to the Cullen house for all that confrontational shit.
And that turned out just terrible.
To cut a long story short, I saw him, he didn't say anything, I waited, he just stared at me, I told him about my appointment but then got really pissed and upset, he didn't say anything, then we kind of argued, I got pissy and threw books at him, he crushed my heart, I left then cried. And, well, here I am. Still crying.
I couldn't even remember how the fuck I'd managed to get myself here. I must've been walking the city with a post-it note stuck to my forehead with Angela's address and some nice taxi driver must have taken pity on my blubbering form, delivering me to said address. But that couldn't have happened; one, because I was, and still am, in such a hysterical mess of tears and sadness and anger and generally pregnant-ness, I wouldn't have thought about writing an address and stuck it on my forehead. Two, I have yet to come across a nice taxi driver in this city. I know they're out there, I hear about them sometimes. The few saints hidden among mere men.
The few saints amid idiotic, arrogant men. The few saints amid the many idiotic, arrogant, dickfaced, annoying, shitty, hormonal, difficult, untrusting, unthinking, cockheaded and so fucking egotistical men.
Well, shit, now I think I hate men. No. Now I know I hate men. I'm not an Androphobic, I'm a hater. I'm a Misandrist. And I didn't even know that word existed until I googled it just out of interest two days ago.
Women were only made second because clearly God saw what a fucked up job he'd done with Adam and had to make amends with Eve. I'm not going to start burning my bras or anything - no fucking way am I burning any bra of mine, they cost real freakin' money, plus I dread to think what my tits would be up to, or down to, without one on.
Jesus Christ, that right there is some scary shit.
But I digress.
The point is I'm angry. The point is I hate Edward. I'm totally with Olivia on this one; her daddy's a dick who I hate. Hate, hate, hate. I hate him so much simply because I don't hate him at all. I absolutely adore him, still. That just makes me want to hate him more.
But I'm so fucking angry it's not funny. I don't think I've ever been this angry before in my entire life. I don't really get angry, and when I do, I 'Avada Kedavra' the shit out of whoever the hell pissed me off within the safe confinements of my mind, and then shrug it off. But most of the time I just get so angry I end up crying so I sit and cry it out.
The more I thought the day over, the angrier I got, the more I cried, the worse I felt. Not feeling well reminded me of my lack of medication, which I realised half way through my crying I'd left at Edwards house after I went and bitchslapped his ass. But totally failed. His name just got me pissed all over again and thus continued my vicious, angry and pathetic little circle, sans the Harry Potter spells because I didn't want to Avada Kedavra Edward, but maybe a little Crucio wouldn't hurt him. Much…
To add to all of this, I hadn't taken any drugs today in case they counteracted with the stuff I had previously been taking. And I hadn't eaten other than the few ginger biscuits this morning, which I then threw up just before I left so that didn't even count. So basically I had no meds, no cat, no wine, no nicotine, no food, no happiness, just a lot of tears, sadness, anger and a horrible feeling I was going to vomit sometime soon. I had the swirling in my stomach that was definitely not baby swirling, the irritatingly familiar pain and light-headedness and my mouth was getting all gross.
Vomiting was most definitely imminent and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I wrapped an arm around my middle as the inevitable became reality and I darted from the bedroom to the bathroom murmuring, "Oh shit…" as I half gagged, half sobbed, my whole body lurching forward multiple times before I found my porcelain friend.
And there I remained, spewing the nonexistent contents of my stomach, feeling impossibly shittier while Angela and Clare sat with me rubbing my back and giving me water which raced back up my throat almost as quickly as I'd swallowed it down.
She must have had such a lovely first impression of me. Hey, I'm Bella Swan, your sister's irresponsible friend. Got knocked up a few months back now, emotional break downs are totally the norm, don't worry about it. I'll probably throw up my voice box and stop talking soon, don't worry. It's nice to meet you though.
Fail.
There was definitely no way I could get my medication until the following day. I couldn't go and get it, I didn't want to bother Angela with that as well as me barfing in her toilet. My brother and Rose were out. Jasper and Alice were having a 'night in'. Edward worries enough as it is, plus I didn't want to talk to him. Medication would have to wait. I could survive; I had been all day… not very well, but I was still alive.
So I manned up (well not really because the crying never did come to a halt) and got comfy – as comfy as you can be when retching into a toilet whilst kneeling on the floor, turns out it's not comfy at all – telling my friends to just leave me because I really hated people watching me throw up and I know I'm not very spatially aware sometimes, but I was hardly going to fall into the toilet.
I felt so incredibly bad. So, so bad. And then I hated Edward more for making me so upset I forgot my pills.
Wanker.
EPOV
My knuckles cracked as I curled my fingers over and then bent them back for the millionth time, trying to ease the built up tension as I stood before my daughter's bedroom door. Even once I'd stretched my hands out, I still felt achy, and tense, and really fucking angry and all this other built up shit that I didn't like dealing with, but I tried to set it aside, just for a second, just so I could apologise to the one person who mattered most. Because I was being, and had been, a complete dick.
And I'd just cocked things up again
I'm shit at controlling my stress once I've passed that line. You know, the line that has a warning sign beside that says 'Cross with caution, jackass characteristics imminent'. Unfortunately, I was currently dancing over that. At this particular moment in time I was under it, but little things teased me until I slipped over and then I snapped.
I'd snapped at Alice and various other unfortunate people at work. I'd snapped at Olivia. I'd snapped at Bella, twice. I'd even got a bit funny with Phil. And I never get funny with Phil.
If I was a kid, this stress would have easily turned into a panic attack long ago, but this was a different kind of stress to the one I dealt with growing up. This was angry stress which generally didn't lead to panic attacks and my therapist never told me how to deal with this; I was an anxious child, not an angry one. Still, I applied the same kind of calming techniques I had used then.
Breathe in deeply, out slowly. In deeply, out slowly. In, out, in, out.
My hand unfortunately replaced the stress ball and I dug my fingers into the fleshy part of it almost rhythmically, trying to calm myself each time. And it worked for a while, but then I thought about things and slowly but surely, I became more irritated. I was walking around like some fucking time bomb about to explode at any given moment. There were moments when I thought I really was going to lose it, but I didn't.
I didn't because I already felt like the biggest fucking dickhead in the entire universe, beyond and back, for what I'd said to Bella. Honestly, I didn't even realise it had spilled out of my mouth until she stood there gaping at me.
Why the fuck would I even think to say that? What the hell possessed me to ever say that to her, to even think it? When I knew that she'd blamed herself for her mother's death, that she thought herself to be the reason her dad had been unhappy since. Despite the fact things happen during childbirth all the time. They were just unlucky. Of course it wasn't her fault; it was pretty fucked up how she had seriously drilled it into her head that she was the cause of the gloom and doom in her life. She honestly thought of herself as the dark spec on an otherwise perfect picture.
Even at twenty four, although she said it was stupid, to some degree she still believed it. Even as an adult. But either way, she'd told me all this in confidentiality because she trusted me. She trusted me with a part of her she didn't like people to know. And I just went and used it against her knowing full well how much it had meant to her.
There wasn't a lot I could do after I'd said it but the look in her eyes broke my heart. She hated me. There was no 'I'm sorry' that could be used to fix that slip up. Even if she eventually forgave me for being a prick, she wouldn't be so hasty in forgetting what I'd said.
Shaking my head, I rapped lightly on the white door in front of me before pushing it open and peering round, to see Olivia standing in her pyjama's rocking Kitty in her arms rather awkwardly as if she were a baby too big for her to carry properly. Because that dog was growing so damn quickly it was scary. Despite the fact I may have bought my daughter a baby BFG in the disguise of a dog, I smiled a little to myself watching her dozily wandering around her room whilst muttering soft words to her dog. I stood unnoticed at the door while she talked animatedly, giggling every now and then while the puppy often reached up to lick her face.
When she eventually started doing her circuit of the room again, she caught sight of me and stopped, twisting her mouth a little as she stared at me.
And for the first time in… ever, I didn't know what to say to her. I needed to apologise because I had been an idiot, I was taking things out on her when I shouldn't have done, but like with Bella, I couldn't put my apology into words easily. Actually, the more I stared back at her, I realised she was standing looking at me in much a similar way to how Bella had been earlier, when she came to tell me about the appointment.
I'd been going over something or other to do with work in my study, I didn't realise she was standing at the doorway until I glanced up just by chance. At that particular point in time, I wasn't feeling especially angry, just down and shitty. I didn't want to argue with her, I didn't want to cause a fuss; I'm not really sure what exactly it was I did want to do. I was surprised she came back at all. After what I'd said, I thought she wouldn't want to see me for at least another month or whatever.
But she came back albeit looking a little forlorn and tired. She looked really tired and generally quite depleted, like she should actually be lying in a bed somewhere with someone watching over her. I knew she probably should have been; I also knew that person watching over her should have probably been me.
She sighed, closing her eyes as she scratched her forehead irritably before looking at me again, almost expectantly as if there was something I was supposed to say to her. There was a lot I wanted to say to her. The main one being 'I am so fucking sorry I cannot even begin to tell you', but nothing seemed to come out of my mouth, so we just continued to stare at each other. The more time that went on in silence the more irritated and sad she seemed to become and her eyes tore into mine so fiercely, even when I wanted to say something, I couldn't.
Eventually she looked away, shook her head and snorted quietly to herself, "I'm not staying for long," she said quietly, "I just came to tell you how it went…" She shifted around a little, running her hand through her hair, pulling it all to one side as she continued to stare at me.
There was a brief pause after which she shook her head again and cleared her throat, her brow furrowing as she seemingly struggled with something in her head, "Um, so, the baby's fine, still… which is good. Really good. I was starting to think that maybe because I'm really, like… uh. The, um, blood tests came back fine, I have a low white blood cell count apparently so I'm more vulnerable to illness in general or something? I have to watch my blood pressure more closely; it was pretty high, but… Oh, and I got some new medication but I can't take it until after eight in the evening and I have to have it then or I die, so I'm a bit," she waved her hand around her head, "bleh. Not feeling good at all right now. But I can't remember why I'm not allowed to take anything, something about the other medication I was on and stuff. I need to drink more water and go back as soon as possible if the new meds don't work, and…"
I put down the file I was reading as she recited what I assumed were the more important parts of her appointment. The appointment I didn't go to. The appointment, one of the most important and monumental ones you have. The one I had been stuck on the fence to just turning up to anyway because shit, it was our baby here. And yeah, I'd been an asshole but… she told me specifically not to come. And I said I'd be there whenever she wanted me, and not whenever she didn't. So I didn't go. I didn't fucking go.
I might as well have fucking cried about it all day because not being there made me feel shitter than shit. Had she wanted me there, would she have told me to get out? Would I have just made everything worse than it already was? Well I wouldn't fucking know because, what's that, oh yeah, I wasn't there.
Watching her rifle through her head for what she wanted to say annoyed me for completely ridiculous reasons. How was it she could still find something to say when I was completely clueless as where to start and all I had to say was 'I'm sorry'.
"Um, yeah so I basically just have to monitor myself more carefully. I guess." She shrugged her shoulders looking down at the floor. Now might have been a good time to say something, but I just didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how to say it and I felt so fucking stupid because 'sorry' really isn't that fucking hard. Except then I'd have to explain myself, and I don't know if I wanted to explain myself yet. Not because I didn't want to tell her, I just didn't want to remind myself.
Not that I needed reminding, the thought constantly lingered in my mind.
I'd been so eager to see her all day, now she was here and I was fucking it up without even saying anything.
She looked up, slumping her shoulders and arms in a defeated motion, her eyes now heartbreakingly sad, "You weren't there." She almost whispered, her voice cracking a little. My mouth opened to let out the words that I'd been holding back but she must have seen it as me making an excuse. I didn't have an excuse, just an apology.
I'm sorry, Bella.
Not hard.
"Yeah, I know, I said don't come but…"She bit down hard on her bottom lip, her eyes flitting to the ground and then back to me, "You were supposed to come. You were supposed to be there. And you weren't. And…" There was a small pause as I watched her, completely mute, she looked like she was going to cry. I really didn't want her to cry. I really didn't want me to be the reason for her crying either.
"There's some stuff I have to do on my own… that wasn't one of them. That really wasn't one of them. And I don't know… why you just didn't come anyway. I wanted you to come anyway. I sat there crying like a complete moron with two people I don't know at all, when I just wanted to be crying like a moron with you there, despite how much I think I hate you right now, despite how much you've upset me." She shrugged, "But you didn't come. Now I think Bea knows more about our baby's condition than I do because I wasn't paying any attention at all. I wa-"
"You went with Bea?" I said gravely, the first thing I said and it was pissy. But I couldn't help it. Bea. Bea? Beatrix Hadley, Bea? No-fucking-way. I missed out when it's my child, but she was there.
Bella seemed slightly startled at my sudden decision to voice something, she then frowned when she heard the tone, "Well, she attached herself to me and I couldn't really get her to go away… I wanted the company anyway."
I tensed my jaw and put my hands palm down on the surface of my desk, "So of all people, you went with her? Bella, why the hell did you do that?"
Her faced turned sour as she narrowed her eyes, "Edward, why does it matter who I went with. The point was I wasn't with you because you're an idiot."
"But why were you even talking to her? Bella, just… you just don't talk to those women. At all." I said seriously, frowning at her. She clearly didn't realise what kind of people they were. Fair enough, Bea was possibly the nicest and most innocent out of them, but she had a habit of running her mouth and making insinuations concerning things she had no idea about. It always just ended in either tears, upset, arguments, loss of jobs, loss of family, divorce, jail, bankruptcy or all of the above. It's really amazing what those women could discover with such little information, so much you didn't want them to know…
I don't think Bea could have got much on Bella during the time with her to do her much damage, but then maybe she had. I wasn't there, I wouldn't have known. And Bella was just so damn oblivious and naive sometimes, not to mention she was upset, she could have told her anything. And Bea may have accidentally recollected something incorrectly to say, Camille or Tanya and they could twist her words slightly into something else. It was one long train I didn't want to be sitting on, and I didn't mean to sound so angry but I was just trying to warn Bella.
It was beginning to sound more like a telling off though. She obviously saw it that way. She switched moods so quickly, a second ago she looked as if she was going to faint, then cry now she looked like she wanted to punch me, really hard.
"You can't tell me who I can and can't be friends with, Edward. This isn't a fucking high school cafeteria, I can speak to whoever the hell I like." She almost hissed at me.
I stood up from my desk, pushing myself up with my hands so I was more level with her despite the distance between us, "It might as well be, Bella. You don't get it, you and I and everyone else might have grown out of that, but they haven't. Except now it's bigger than just high school because it's the real world, and it's stupid but people get hurt. I don't want that to happen to you. Don't give them anything to go with."
"Edward, I don't care!" She seethed, throwing her hands up, "You are totally missing the point, I could have just gone with a fucking cab driver and it wouldn't have made any difference to me. The point is, it wasn't you, you missed it. I'm not supposed to be telling you what happened and what's going on because you should have been there to see it yourself you stupid… fucking…"Her hands balled into fists and she was clenching every muscle possible in her face. She was breathing heavily as she looked around briefly, picking up a book from the closest bookshelf and lobbing it at me.
Luckily she had a really shitty throw and missed, but she threw a freakin' book at me.
"You're so wrapped up in other things all the time, even when it's not obvious, you are. It's like the only reason I didn't want you to come was because of yesterday. One fucking day Edward and you cock everything up. How the hell did you do that? You could just have told what's going on with you. You don't tell me anything. Ever. I kill myself to be able to trust you enough to tell you the stupidest of things. And you never tell me anything that matters. Like… like why did you divorce your wife? You haven't told me that. And what the hell is bugging you now and yesterday? You look so… bloody… glum… and…" She picked up another book and threw it; she missed.
"You haven't apologised! Why haven't you said sorry? It's really not that hard and you were really, really out of order. Like… ugh! I don't understand you, I'm so… angry!" She threw another book that I actually had to move to the side to avoid. She stood there, all angry and pissy and upset and wanting to kill me and she was still looked so amazing to me. Totally the wrong time to be thinking it, but she was.
Her voice was somewhere between a screechy growl and a sob but she continued until she had nothing left to say, "And! Oh my god, you didn't say anything back to me when I said… when I said…" A little whimper emitted from her throat as she picked up another book. I prepared myself to dodge it as she prepared to throw, but then she didn't. She lowered her arm to her side her heavy breathing out of rage now turning into small sobs, "When I said that I thought I… that I was falling for you. You didn't say it back."
My face dropped and I sighed. I opened my mouth and then closed it again totally unsure of what to say. I'd told her that that was all I wanted to hear, and at the time it was. It still is. I was still completely ecstatic that she said it in the first place. That she looked at me and thought about me in that way. I didn't think about saying it back and I couldn't be sure why. Now I thought about it, I felt like if I said it, it wouldn't mean anything really.
And then in some ray of sparkly light within my mind, at the most random of times, it hit me. It properly smacked me in the face with a big flashing sign and trumpets and everything. That it's not that I couldn't say it. I could. It just wasn't true, I wasn't falling for her, and I didn't want to lie. So I said, "I can't say it back to you." Because that's what she wanted to hear me say; that I was falling for her too, but I couldn't say that.
She couldn't see it, but there was a marching band parading in my mind with god damn banners and flyers and everything, just in case I missed the message on the flashing sign. Everything fitted together albeit momentarily. For a second my world stopped turning. For a second my heart stopped beating. For a second I saw everything for what it really was, and what it could be. Through my nearly-lie came truth, and with truth came love.
I love her.
I couldn't tell her I was falling for her because I was on the ground already. I'd collided with it face first. She'd cut off my strings and sent me plummeting without a parachute. I must have been in a coma only just waking and realizing it. I have fallen, from where I'm not sure, all I know is I'm not up in the air anymore.
I'm on the ground. Everything is fucked up here, nothing is clear, there isn't any easy route to anything and you can buy freakin' cheese in a can. I don't like it much, I've made my mistakes and I'll make a million more. But I love Isabella Swan. I don't know where that puts me; I don't know where that puts her. Maybe into some subcategory that means eventually things will be less shitty. I wouldn't even mind if things were shitty; they're shitty now and I'm pretty sure I still love her.
Not that she knew that.
She stood completely silent. No crying, no heavy, angered breaths, not anything. She just stood staring at her feet and then nodded dejectedly, "Ok." The book she was holding fell through the grasp of her fingers, landing with a soft thud on the floor. A tear or two, or three soon followed it settling in small damp droplets atop of the hard back book - I was so glad she didn't throw that one, although maybe if she had it might have knocked some sense back into me.
Because what was I doing? She was totally misunderstanding what I was saying and I was just letting her. I couldn't say it because it didn't apply to me, because it did once, just not anymore. But I couldn't tell her that. And I still hadn't apologised.
Her whole body sagged and she looked so lost. And although I battled with myself to run over to her and tell her everything I could ever think to tell her about., to kiss her over and over and tell her how fucking sorry I was for being a complete douche, to hold her for a near forever and just be, my feet remained firmly rooted to the ground. I wanted to move but I was stuck in some kind of stupor watching her close into herself.
"I'm going to go." She said quietly before speaking again in a completely monotonous voice, "My apartment's more or less done so I can move back into it tomorrow if I want, so I can get out of your hair. I know you get anxious… my phone's on so you can call if there's some sort of emergency, but otherwise please don't… I just…um, sorry about the books, I'll buy you new ones if I wrecked them or something." She tapped the book on the floor with her foot before she turned, glancing back over her shoulder but not looking at me, the smallest smile tempting her lips, "Oh, and I was right, he is a boy. The baby I mean."
I was torn between emotions here as it was. I was still angry at myself for not being at the damn appointment and a tiny bit at her for taking Bea. I was generally distracted and depleted as it was. I was pissed at myself just because. I was anxious for too many reasons. And now… well that was the best thing I'd heard in the past week and I knew that right now I couldn't even spaz about it the way I wanted to.
So I smiled, wider than hers but not nearly as wide or goofy as I wanted it to be. We had a short moment of mutual elation though it was kept within the silent and small confinement of smiles due to the situation. She sighed and it was over. She looked away and my smile slowly faded, "I'll see you later, Edward."
I was brought out of my daze when I felt Olivia hug me, her dog circling the both of us and occasionally jump up before running around in circles again. I looked down at her confused as she hugged me tighter, "Don't worry daddy, I don't hate you anymore." She said, looking up and smiling brightly at me.
Apparently that was it; I didn't need to say anything at all. She just knew. She understood my silence just like I never understood hers. How she did that, I'm not entirely sure. I think she just tapped into people.
Obviously I did anyway because whether she knew or not, I had to have the words come out of my mouth. I'd reached an epic fail with Bella, I wasn't going to have it happen with my daughter too.
I had to do one of those cut down, edited child proof versions of why I was being such a twat. Sometimes I wished she was old enough that I could just say, "You know what, life's shit" and she'd nod and agree and probably go on about the teenage drama in her life. But she wasn't there yet, so I wouldn't be saying that, but I suppose I had something to look forward to. In another ten years or so. I put her to bed and kneeled on the ground while she told me about all the random things that had happened with her. A lot of it I'm pretty sure she was making up, but I smiled and acted shocked at all the right bits until her eyes became droopy with sleep.
"I'm glad I don't hate you anymore." She mumbled drowsily.
I smiled and stroked the top of her head, "So am I."
"Bella said… you shouldn't really go to sleep being angry with someone if you fell out. Because… ummmm… I don't remember…" She yawned, "And I wasn't angry last night, but I was sad. And I don't want to be sad so that's why we're friends again." I kissed her head, telling her again how much I loved her. All smiles and niceness as I left her room only to crack and falter as I shut the door.
What about if you're self-deprecating, only angry with yourself, can you go to sleep then? Or am I going to be up all night?
---
"Did you just call her?"
"Yes, Edward, I did. She's not picking up. She's not picking up to Jasper either so I don't think she's just ignoring you… he's calling Rosalie right now, so if you just take a moment to breathe then I will be able to tell you what's going on. Bloody hell."
"It's just I know she doesn't really want to talk to me right now…or ever, but-"
"You get anxious. Edward, you don't need to tell me, I know. Hel-lo."
"And she's not picking up to anyone… and I text her a few times…" I fingered the small white bag sitting on the counter next to the fridge. I'd been sitting in the kitchen talking to Meg when I noticed it sitting on the side. She said it must have been Bella's since she stopped in the kitchen briefly before going to see me, from the label on the pills inside the bag, it became evident it was indeed Bella's. And at first I didn't worry; I sent her a text saying she'd left it and she didn't text back, which didn't really come as a surprise.
Then I realised it was well after eight. She'd said earlier she had to have it at eight or she'd die. I knew she wasn't actually being serious, she wasn't actually going to die, but I did begin to think that maybe without it she would be suffering. She was dying one morning when she lost her old meds. And that was just for the morning. She hadn't had any all day.
When she didn't reply, I text again, just in case she hadn't got the previous one. Three texts later I decided to call. When she didn't pick up, I started getting anxious. Then I called Alice. Meg just watched me throughout all of this, shaking her head, and telling me Bella had probably left her phone in the fridge again or something.
Well her phone wasn't in our fridge. I checked already, three times.
I could hear Alice and Jasper muttering to each other on the other end of the phone as I paced the kitchen. I should have asked what the hell those two were up to together this evening, but I had other things, more important things on my agenda. Like finding out where the hell Bella was, and where the hell Bella's cell phone was, and whether she was dead or alive.
I'm not too sure, but I've heard if the person you feel very strongly towards is dead, and you never told them, then that counts as unrequited love. Unrequited love stories are the worst love stories. It's not love at all, just heartache and misery. I hate misery. I know I hate it because I've been miserable for the past two years.
"Am I going to have to get out your Prozac, Edward? Or maybe the Ativan, Xanax, Serax… Valium? Do you take that stuff? You look like you need it all." She laughed to herself. Honestly, I think I may have actually been in need of one of them. Maybe all of them. And I didn't appreciate being joked with when I got like this. I had already rearranged the contents of the cutlery drawer much to Meg's disapproval. If I didn't get any answers soon to ease my worry, the fridge was next…
"Alice, can you please tell me something." I could hear them still discussing, but it sounded as if she'd put the phone away from her mouth so I couldn't hear which was irritating. I rolled my shoulders and moved my head from side to side trying to relieve all the built up tension in my muscles as I waited.
Impatiently.
"Alice, seriously." I sounded so freakin' desperate it was ridiculous. She could have just fallen asleep for all I knew, perfectly fine, nothing wrong with her at all. And then she'd come by tomorrow and pick up it up, and it would be fine.
"Ok, well, Rosalie said that they've just got home but they don't know where she is..." I gripped the edge of the worktop while she spoke, maybe breathing, but then again, maybe not, "So I don't know where she is. She's probably at home sleeping or something." Or she's dead in an alley. Oh shit.
I stopped for a second and took a deep breath out before speaking although my heart was racing a million beats a seconds, "What do I do?"
"You can wait. I don't know, she's probably fine, Edward. Just sit down, stop pacing, breathe and wait."
"Alice, I-." My phone started beeping at me so I pulled it away to see Bella's name up on the screen. And holy crap I could have kissed it, "She's calling… I'm putting you on hold." I said to Alice, switching the calls over and breathing out heavily, "Oh, god, Bella, you-"
"Hi. Um. It's not Bella, it's her friend Angela. I work with her at the Sweet Tooth? She came over just after five and she's been really ill since and I'm not really sure what to do. She said she left the stuff she'd been prescribed at your house… and I knew she had bad morning sickness, but now she keeps fainting. She's like drifting in and out of consciousness. My sister's here and we've given her water but she can't stomach it. I think she might be getting dehydrated or something. We were going to call a doctor but I thought I should call you first…"
So just when I thought I could take a deep breath knowing she was safe, my stress levels just built straight back up again, "I need an address." I said, swiftly grabbing the white bag. Meg frowned at me, confused as to what was going on seeing as she could only hear my side of the conversation, I just asked if she could stay here with Olivia and she agreed, understanding that something was up.
"Oh. Yeah, of course, sorry…" I noted down the address Angela gave me, riffling through my pockets for the keys to the Mercedes I had but rarely used. If I called for a car I'd have to wait, and since I was a perfectly able driver and I didn't have the time to waste, I decided on taking my own.
As I flung my jacket over my arm, exited the front door and hung up on Angela, I took Alice off hold to tell her what's going on, "Is she ok?"
"No, she's not. That was her friend, I'm just going over there to give her this medicine, see if it helps at all."
"Is she really ill? God, I tell her time and time again, just pay more attention, when you don't feel well, don't ignore it. She's so stubborn sometimes…" She sighed and although she sounded irritated I knew it was only because she cared. Alice got irritated with those she cared about. Apart from Jasper, the more she cared, the worse she got. It was scary sometimes, "Just make sure she's ok, Edward."
"I'll text you when I get updated." I sighed, as I slipped into my car and started the engine, trying to withstand a panic attack as thoughts of all the possible worst case scenarios began clouding my mind. I could see it so clearly now; it would be like that scene from alien, she'd just start spewing blood all over the place and fitting on the floor while this alien baby thing ripped its way through her stomach. And then she'd die in all this mess of blood and guts and…
Oh my god.
I don't know if I should have been more concerned that that even came to mind or that I actually was considering it as a possibility.
I leaned over and opened the compartment on the passenger's side taking out some of the Prozac I had in there. Just in case of emergencies.
---
It didn't take me too long to get to Angela's. After typing it into the GPS system, I pretty much found the quickest route to get there and followed it. My fingers tapped tensely, restlessly on the steering wheel as I slid in and out of the cars around me. New York was one of those places where if you didn't live here and know the city, you really shouldn't own a car. Driving was like dancing. Not a slow waltz either; more an up tempo tango. I switched lanes here, another car turned off there, we all slowed, then moved faster again. In fact driving on a New York highway was kind of like sex; you knew where you wanted to go, you found your spot on the road, slipped in, hoped to keep to a good enough rhythm, changing your pace as others around you close in but you remain as calm as possible. So far you've been collision free, you see your exit coming up and you prepare for it, holding firmly to the steering wheel, you push down on the acceleration as you reach your peak, slip out at the junction and go about your way.
It sounded easy but it wasn't. Like sex and instruments, you got better with practice.
And yes, the entire car ride I was distracting myself with the thought of sex. Prozac did that to me sometimes and since I was feeling calmer, I wished to remain that way. I would be of no use if I turned up needing medication more than Bella. Luckily when I did find Angela's apartment block and a safe place to park my pretty car, I was ok. Or so I kept telling myself.
I think I was ok. I was freaking out but to a controlled amount. So that was ok.
When I was standing in front of Angela's door though, that's when a lot of stuff seemed to be thrown on top of me all over again. I couldn't just give them Bella's medication and leave, but would she want me anywhere near her? I'm pretty certain she was under the impression I thought a lot less of her than her of me, which was not the case at all…
"Oh, good, you're here, I thought you might have gotten lost." Angela smiled briefly at me as she opened the door and ushered me in. I hadn't realised how tall and skinny she was until now. Skinny but she had huge tits… I wasn't looking, just an observation. I smiled back at her, taking a moment – and I mean literally a second or two – to glance around the apartment. It was a good size for her, nice decoration, nothing extravagant or fancy, but nice and homely. Pretty neutral.
"She's still in the bathroom…" Angela said, holding a wet cloth in her hand as she began walking towards an open door. I gripped the prescription bag in my hand as I took my initiative to follow her to what was obviously the bathroom.
And there she was. Lying on the floor like a drunk friend you eventually get bored of watching to make sure they don't choke on their own sick and just leave to their own devises. But Bella wasn't drunk, she was far from it. She was off colour and her hair was sticking to her face and was wet around her hair line. Angela knelt down to put the wet cloth on her forehead earning a small whimper, before standing again with her hands on her hips, looking at her friend with genuine concern.
"We told her to lie down and try and sleep. But it's hard to tell if she's sleeping or just unconscious. And because she's pregnant as well, we weren't really sure what to do." She informed me as I knelt down beside her, moving the hair that was stuck to face out of the way, then moved my thumb across her warm cheeks.
"Like now she's stopped talking. We don't know if she's actually just trying to sleep or what. I really hope she's ok though, I'm getting pretty worried over here." I looked up to see an almost clone of Angela sitting on the edge of her bathtub, looking over with the same amount of concern. She was older though, definitely older not that it was obvious I could just tell, slim but not skinny and she had much lighter hair.
Angela looked between us before saying, "Oh, Edward, this is my sister Clare." I raised my chin and Clare nodded, everyone once again turning back to Bella.
"So what do we do? Should we call a doctor now?"
I sighed as I continually stroked my hand over her cheeks. She felt so warm compared to my hand. I took it away for a moment to think but she made a sound much like a cat meowing, "Your hand's cold. Put it back." She grumbled, sitting up and holding my hand to her face although her eyes remained closed.
"How are you feeling?" I asked her as she held my hand to her face, slightly hunching over herself.
"Like absolute shit, Edward. How do you think I'm feeling?" She replied groggily. I frowned, pulling out the medicine bottles from their bag and reading the dosage on each before looking at her again and sighing.
"Can you get some ice?" I looked up at Angela who looked confused for a moment before nodding seriously and disappearing into the kitchen, then followed by her sister, "You need two of these," I emptied to small yellow and red pills into my hand before closing the bottle, "And three of these." I did the same with another, "I'm not sure if you need this… but it can't do any harm and you look like you're about to die so take it as well." She opened one eye to see the arrangement of multicoloured pills I had in my hand, just as Angela returned with ice in a really weird container.
"It's like a thermal." She explained, "But for frozen things. So it should keep ice, well, as ice." She smiled warmly at me and then gave a sympathetic one to Bella, "What do you need it for though?"
"She can't drink water but she's probably dehydrated. Sucking on ice helps because she's getting liquids but not enough for her to throw up." Angela nodded in understand and Bella scowled.
"I am right here you know. And you're not a doctor… why are you even here?"
"Bella, take the pills, swallow, put an ice cube in your mouth and stop talking or I'll do it myself." I may well have sounded like I wasn't being serious, but I was. I knew she wasn't going to argue with me, she hated being like this more than I hated seeing her like this so there wasn't a battle to be had. Still, she gave me the stink-eye as she took them one by one, popping them into her mouth before taking an ice cube and sucking on that.
I sat properly on the floor beside her, leaning back on the wall. Despite her obvious objection to me being there, she was still holding my hand to her face. I'm pretty sure her cheek had become the same temperature as me now or vice versa. Angela slipped out of the room to talk to her sister elsewhere as I stayed in the bathroom with Bella.
Every now and then she would sway and look as if she might topple over but then she'd catch herself and go back to massaging her brow with one hand, holding mine to her face with the other. "Why are you here?" She asked quietly, her voice raspy, her eyes tired and droopy as she looked at me.
"Because I didn't know where you were. And then Angela called me and said you were ill and… I wasn't just going to leave you."
"Well it wouldn't be the first time…" she muttered under her breath although I heard it clearly and sighed, "It's not working yet." She groaned hugging herself and dropping my hand, rocking ever so slightly as she whimpered in distress.
"Are you ok?" I asked her although the answer was pretty obvious. She shook her head sadly when I noticed a few tears dribbling down her cheek and she tried to stop the little sobs that threatened to break from her chest. I watched her for a moment as she huddled over herself, both of her hands holding the sides of her forehead as she dropped her head this way and that.
When it looked like she was just going to pass out, I pulled her into my side, my arm wrapping protectively around her waist, her head on my chest. She pulled a face and made a noise of disapproval but made no attempt to move out of my hold. If anything, she nuzzled her head ever so slightly into my chest. She opened her mouth, probably to complain, but I put another ice cube in there before she could say anything, "Quit trying to talk. Just get better, please." I stroked down her hair, resting my chin on top of her head.
We sat there in silence like that for a while. Every-so-often she would cling to me and whimper over some pain or discomfort and then it seemed she'd fall asleep, or at least begin to feel the effects of the medication. Angela and Clare came back to check on her every now and then. Clare left about an hour later seeing as she'd left her husband with their two children in a hotel room and was beginning to fear for his life, despite the late hours.
Bella's half conscious murmurs and whimpers decreased as time went on. Every time she tried to mutter some sort of nonsense of complaint, I just put another ice cube in her mouth and told her to shut up and sleep already. And eventually she did, or at least I thought she did. Her temperature was more normal, she'd gained some of her colour back and she seemed to be in a lot less discomfort.
I took the time while she didn't hate me to play with her hair, twirling it around my finger whilst I felt her cool breath blow onto my chest rhythmically. When it looked like she was getting cold, I removed my jacket, rapping it round and then cuddling her, "I'm sorry." I said quietly, kissing her hair, "I'm sorry I got mad, it wasn't your fault at all, I shouldn't have taken it out on you… or Olivia. I already apologised to her. I'm sorry I don't always open up to you, but I'll try." I paused, my fingers tracing over the skin of the hand she was clutching my shirt with.
"I'm sorry I couldn't apologise earlier. I… I'm sorry I missed it. The appointment. And I'm so sorry for what I said. I know it upset you, a lot. I don't know why I said it. It was all in anger, I guess. I'm sorry I'm such a dick. I'm sorry I put you in this whole situation. I'm sorry you have to carry this baby, because I would if I could. Especially when you get so ill, I really would."
I tilted my head to look down at the beautiful women asleep on me, "I'm sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear. I'm sorry I can't make you better. I'm sorry I'm saying this while you're sleeping but…" The scent of her shampoo wafted up into my nose as I buried my face within her hair, my voice muffled by her. All her. "I'm sorry. And… I love you."
Sigh.
First of all I'd like to say holy crapping Jesus on a freakin' tricycle! New Moon is this Thursday/Friday! I nearly cried today and I'd like to say I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. I've been counting down since whenever the hell they said they were definitely making it, in like February or something. So, um wow. I'm not watching spoilers anymore though, I'm saving myself :)
Uh, on this, Edward will tell us what the hell his problem is/was next chapter, I promise, but I kind of liked this chapter. I think. Maybe. Am I allowed to say that LOL?
Please review. Because I'm weird about reviews and I really would like a 20:1 ratio. So review about this, about New Moon, about something, oh and I need boys names so send suggestions! But mainly review about this chapter because I love hearing what you thought. And lets not beat about the bush- I'm a whore, I thrive on these things. I say take advantage of me now, I'll be dead after Friday.
You know you love me, XO XO
P.S. I'm not a doctor. Or a midwife. Most medical references are actually correct (I think- I go Google crazy) but yeah, I make stuff up too. Kind of. The point is I could well be talking shit medical wise, but it's a fictional story, just roll with it.