A Matter of Will
by Lady Memory
The war is over, and now Severus Snape has to face his worst enemy: himself.
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own any one of the recognizable characters in this story, even if I would like to.
As always, heartfelt thanks to my wonderful previewer Tearsofphoenix, and to my fabulous beta Angelicka for her kind revision, useful suggestions and infinite patience.
All my sincere thanks to those reading and reviewing.
Chapter 20 – Forget about yourself
Hermione and Harry walk along the corridors of the hospital. Entering there has been decidedly easy. It's night, and there are just a few people around, all too tired and too busy to notice a mediwitch taking her patient somewhere for a check-up. Harry is admirably composed, but Hermione feels the usual tension rise, though the hospital can't be worse than the majority of the dangerous places they have visited during their school years. And the healers surely can't be as tough as a band of Death Eaters.
So, Hermione keeps walking and whispering greetings, waving her hand when needed. Harry keeps his head lowered in silence. Nobody seems to notice them until they stumble upon a pretty girl dressed in white, clearly a nurse. Her reaction on seeing them is startling.
"Madam Pomfrey!" she cries with an enthusiastic though controlled voice. Evidently, her professional practice has trained her tone but not her impetuosity. In fact, the girl hugs tightly the supposedly older woman and looks at her with eyes that shine with joy. Taken by surprise, Hermione is aghast. That wasn't expected to happen. But then she recognises the other girl: Becky. Becky Ingham. Hermione has met her many times during her stay in the hospital, so she knows that the girl was Madam Pomfrey's assistant and, above all, a loyal friend.
In the meantime, Becky is talking happily. "What an unexpected pleasure! How are you? How is Professor Snape? I have been thinking about you both so many times! Has he improved? Any hope for his sight?"
Hermione and Harry exchange a glance. Hermione feels that they have found an ally but she silently submits her judgment to Harry's approval. Harry and their Hogwarts team, of course. And they don't disappoint her.
"Becky," Harry says quietly, stretching out a hand. The girl widens her eyes. "Harry!" she exclaims, then covers her mouth with an alarmed expression, glancing around to check the place.
"What are you doing here? The hospital is a restricted area," she whispers agitatedly. "I thought that you knew…" she pauses and her expression changes.
"What's happening?" she asks with a calm yet concerned voice.
"We are in a hurry, Becky," Harry replies gently. "We came here to help Professor Snape, but we cannot explain. There is no time, and it's better for you to know nothing."
Her eyes sparkle in determination. "No need to tell me more," the girl exclaims; then she suddenly frowns, looking at the older woman. "But Madam, perhaps you-"
"She is not Madam Pomfrey," Harry interrupts her, and Hermione can't resist any longer. "I'm Hermione Granger, Becky. Do you remember me?"
"Hermione!" The girl's eyes widen even more while she suppresses a gasp. For a moment, she seems to struggle with her curiosity; then her features recover a resolute look.
"How can I help you?" she asks.
… … … … … … … … …
With Becky guiding them through the labyrinth of passages, the chamber of secrets is soon reached. Harry keeps concentrating on the signals in his brain. Snape is sending precise but reassuring directions in the form of emotions. The only moment in which his former professor hesitates is during the encounter with Becky: for a long moment, the connection is interrupted, and Harry is left alone to decide what to do. Then the link reconnects again with a surprisingly strong force. Madam Pomfrey must have intervened, the boy thinks.
Not that Harry had ever had any doubt about Becky. The girl has proved to be an invaluable ally. Without her help, Hermione and Harry would probably be still wandering and wondering in spite of Poppy's help. The most secretive and ancient part of St. Mungo's is located in the foundations, and the passages leading there have been cunningly planned to mislead those who don't know how to read the right directions. But Becky seems to know her stuff, and Harry smiles inwardly. It's very relaxing to have a guide for a change.
… … … … … … … … …
If she could perceive Harry's thoughts, Becky probably wouldn't agree. The last part of their underground trip has been very challenging. The girl had visited the archives just once, at the beginning of her apprenticeship, and only to help a senior healer who hadn't allowed her to enter there anyway. But thankfully, her visual memory is very good, and the actual tension seems to have increased it.
Initially, Becky had been very excited to participate in the adventure. She could not understand why her friends needed so badly to reach the archives, but respecting Harry's request, she didn't ask. Like everybody else in the wizarding world, she knows the many trials Harry and his friends performed before and during the war. She had admired their courage and sometimes even envied them; occasionally, she had also reflected on what she would have done if the chance had been offered to her. Well, now she is directly experiencing it, and her feelings are a confused mix of pride, anxiety and boldness. There is only one thing about which she is certain: her career is going to be ruined if she should be found there. But is there any other solution? No, she replies to herself, so she grits her teeth and keeps walking determinedly.
Finally the chamber is in front of them. Its wooden door has a window that allows them to see what is inside, and the children detect hundreds of dusty cabinets all lined in rows divided by long, dark corridors. Becky scrutinises anxiously the passage from which they have just come, searching for any sign that may reveal the arrival of an intruder. Then, reassured, the girl smiles at her companions, brushing her hair back under the white cap. But Harry and Hermione look at each other. The search is going to be problematic. How to find Snape's wand in that immense archive?
… … … … … … … … …
Severus feels extremely agitated. Till now, his perception has been smooth and clear. Harry's mind has guided his like a beacon on a ship. Impossible to lose the way. Several times, Severus has even been able to see through Harry's eyes as well. Quick impressions of the corridors and of the few people walking in the dim light have flashed and disappeared in his brain until a final image has hit him forcefully. Miss Ingham! Miss Ingham as Severus has never been able to see her in the hospital, with the white uniform that has substituted her school outfit.
Suddenly, an entire world of memories invades his mind and Severus leans back, breathing with difficulty. The emotion has been too strong. Recognising those characteristic symptoms of distress, Poppy reacts immediately, placing her hands on his temples and slowly massaging them. In a few moments, Severus is himself again; he tells Poppy about the encounter by just whispering "Miss Ingham", and the mediwitch smiles in relief. Then he follows Harry in the tangle of passages leading to the chamber till they both stop before a door.
But now… now Severus perceives something different, something oppressive, something frightening. Waves of panic rise and flow across his body, and his hands begin to shake lightly. There is an immense power waiting behind that door, an evil force quietly waiting for the moment to strike.
"No!" Severus calls, raising a hand as if trying to reach his former student. "Harry, no! NO! Don't enter!"
… … … … … … … … …
Harry stays motionless, staring at the door. Contrasting emotions are crossing his mind. A subtle, intoxicating sensation is slowly enveloping his heart. Behind that barrier made of wood and glass there is a mysterious power inviting him, perhaps even the fulfilment of a destiny that, at the moment, is still unfathomable. In the mist that is dimming his senses, Harry perceives a faint call. Snape. Snape is warning him. Snape wants him to stop. But the power behind the door is tremendously enticing. Automatically, Harry raises a hand, and with a soft click, the door opens obediently.
… … … … … … … … …
Hermione is alarmed and puzzled. All of a sudden, Harry seems to have become unresponsive. His eyes are lost in remoteness, and the girl can only hope that it's a temporary effect created by the connection with Snape. Perhaps the wizard is talking or giving Harry instructions? Then, unexpectedly, Harry steps forward and there is no more time for thoughts. Hermione hastens to follow him, leaving the surprised Becky behind.
… … … … … … … … …
Harry is standing before the cabinets. His mind is gradually expanding in order to welcome the mysterious presence he feels around him. His ears don't hear anymore, his eyes watch without seeing. Slowly, he breathes in waves of power. Then he lifts his hand and calls softly, "Accio Snape's wand!"
… … … … … … … … …
Becky Ingham is lingering near the door. Her task has successfully been completed and nobody has discovered them. Finally, she can leave her two courageous but potentially lethal companions to their secret mission.
Yet, after the initial powerful sensation of relief, Becky can't make up her mind and leave. She is in a peculiar mood: the few words that Harry has said have filled her with curiosity, so she is torn between the safety offered by a retreat and the temptation to know more. But now what's that light? She hesitates for a moment, then turns and determinedly goes after Hermione.
… … … … … … … … …
An immense vibration follows Harry's request. An increasingly vivid light fills one of the dark corridors between the cabinets. Emerging from its secret hiding, a wand now floats gracefully in mid-air, moving slowly towards the boy. As soon as it gets near him, it seems to bow respectfully to Harry as if acknowledging his authority. Yet, there is something derisive in that apparent submission. The dark power concealed in the room seems to malignantly enjoy that moment. The boy smiles with a sort of affection, shaking his head.
"Finally, we meet again," he murmurs, unconsciously using Bellatrix's words. "But this time will be the last."
… … … … … … … … …
In the dungeons, Severus Snape pushes his hands on his eyes. A blade of light has unexpectedly and cruelly stabbed his pupils, and the man writhes and squirms in the desperate effort to lessen the atrocious pain. It's like reliving the torture that Voldemort has inflicted upon him, and, what is worse, there seems to be no hope of stopping the intolerable luminosity that digs more and more into his flesh.
In an attempt to help, Poppy ends by hugging him tightly. Severus presses his face against her shoulder as if using her as a shield, but the pain grows more and more intense and he pulls back, struggling against spirals of horror. Then his mind unexpectedly links with Harry's again.
A flash, and suddenly it's like he is in the room with the boy, the pain, the horror and the fear miraculously disappeared. The power Harry is radiating envelopes his senses as it did in the encounter with Arthur, and once more, Severus welcomes the peace and the joy that the surprising energy always spreads around; until, finally, the miracle that he was hoping for repeats itself. His eyes open, and the wizard shivers in the indescribable bliss of seeing again.
Then Harry raises his head, and the world seems to stand still in anticipation. Awed, the girls witness the scene, Becky instinctively clinging to Hermione as if searching for protection. None dares to speak.
But Severus is lost in a different enchantment. The wand and its immense power are there finally at his reach, twinkling temptingly before his eyes. His eyes… Isn't this a perfect chance to recover his sight? What Voldemort stole, now can be returned. Hasn't Severus suffered enough? Isn't the time to exact a reward finally here?
Surrounded by a halo of light, the wand sparkles and seems to invite the wizard, whispering promises with irresistible sweetness. Ensnared by those enthralling sensations, Severus' mind fluctuates in a sort of inebriated stupor. The attraction is too strong to be resisted… slowly, gradually, his soul is dragged towards the fascinating radiance while his heart sinks more and more in a dark mist of emotions.
… … … … … … … … …
Harry closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, abandoning himself to the energy that runs in his veins. As it happened during the battle in the dungeons, his body begins to radiate, reflecting the power acting inside it.
"The time has come," the boy declares in the incorporeal voice of his mind, preparing to strike; guided by an inner force, his hand traces an elegantly complicated figure in the air.
"No!" Suddenly awakened from his blissful state of torpor, Severus pleads desperately in the same silent way. "No! Please wait! My wand can heal me again."
"Releasing its power would only mean letting Voldemort free," is the inexorable reminder.
"Please, let me be free," Severus begs again, forgetting his pride. "You are powerful enough to destroy it afterwards."
"You know that it's impossible, Professor," Harry states quietly.
The boy is only reminding Severus of a danger about which Severus himself has warned them all, and though the wizard knows it perfectly, he feels utterly exasperated. Furthermore, Harry speaks with the irritating authority of those who are in command. The roles have reversed, but Severus is no more willing to submit. A ferocious bitterness is filling his heart.
No! Not now that his salvation is so near, not now that he could be allowed to see again, not now that an infinite chain of sufferings could be broken by a simple gesture. NO! He won't be condemned again, a sacrificial victim as he always was. His mind thrashes in desperation, prisoner in the suffocating space of his brain, another pit of darkness, while his spirit is longing to expand and join the tempting power shining so enticingly before him! A matter of will... yes, it's only a matter of will...
But Harry is too strong. Contrasting waves of force seem to fight back Severus's emotions, and the wizard surrenders to their intensity, acknowledging the supremacy of the boy who once was his student. Defeated, knowing that it's useless but nonetheless trying with all his strength, Severus pleads again.
"Harry… Harry, please…"
The boy sounds saddened in a heartbreaking way. "I came here with a mission, Professor, but I'm not going to perform it against your will. The choice is yours."
A sigh. A choked sob, that expresses all the pain and the desperation struggling inside Severus's heart.
Then a harsh whisper.
"Do it, Potter! Do it immediately! Destroy my wand before I regret my decision!"
A blinding flash, and Severus finds himself back in the dungeons, his eyes aching, his body shaking, his mind alone again in the darkness. Near him, Poppy startles and gasps in shock. Bellatrix's wand has emitted a piercing lament as if asking for mercy; but green ferocious flames have suddenly exploded with fury, and the thin rod blazes and contorts till it's reduced to ashes.
… … … … … … … … …
A deep silence follows this frightening event. Finally, hesitantly, the mediwitch turns to look at Severus. Has her shattered patient realised what has just happened?
He hasn't reacted, so perhaps he hasn't understood that they have won, that their commitment has been rewarded…
But, Merlin, how exhausted he looks now!
Poppy noiselessly sighs in sadness. She knows that something terrible must have happened to Severus during that anguishing adventure. She has witnessed devastating emotions clouding his features while his mouth has uttered soundless, incomprehensible words of pain. She feels the impulse to hug him again, but she doesn't dare. His face has darkened, and his lips are tightened in a bitter line. Helpless before such torment, the little witch states timidly, her voice trembling in the effort of sounding cheerful and reassuring, "It's burned, Severus. I suppose this is the end."
Sharply, the wizard replies, "Yes, it's the end, Poppy. Of Voldemort and of my hopes."
And he gets up, rejecting the hand he is offered.
… … … … … … … … …
AN:
Hi there, brave and loyal readers. Can't believe you are still following this interminable trip! But I have good news for you. The next chapter has already been written and needs some polish and obviously a revision before being posted. As you can see, we are slowly (pay attention to the adverb, I said "slowly") reaching the end ;)