JAMES POV

"What were you thinking James?" Lily yelled at him, loud enough for the entire Gryffindor common room to hear. "I can't believe you. And after all the crap you sprouted yesterday about maturing and growing up, and then you have the nerve to go after the Slytherins."

James sunk into a sofa, ignoring the wide-eyed first years that were staring at him. It'd been an entire day since he attacked the Slytherins, and was walking Sirius and Remus back to their common room after their detention when Lily had rounded on them, furious at James for skipping their patrol. And for "forgetting" to mention his "encounter"

"And then forgetting to tell me about Benjy!" Lily continued, her temper livid. "When he didn't show up for patrols his partner spent most of the night trying to find me. Nothing happened, thank Merlin, but something could've."

James felt miserable. He hadn't lost his temper like that since fifth year.

"And then you forgot completely about Quidditch training?" Lily said, incredulously. "If these responsibilities are too much of a burden for you why didn't you just say something?" Her voice was soft and mocking at the same time, some sympathy for James clearly struggling to surface amongst all her anger and frustration.

"Lily," Marlene said, coming towards them. "Maybe not right here." She gestured at the first years watching then.

"I'm sorry," James started.

"You better bloody be," Lily countered.

"Okay, okay," Marlene intervened, more forcefully. "I think we should head to bed."

Lily looked like she was about to start yelling again, but after a while she signed, reluctantly sagging into the space near James, not as close as she normally would've but still close enough. Relieved, Marlene leaped into an armchair. James wondered when they'd forgiven each other.

"I don't mean to nag," Lily whispered. Her eyes were sincere, wide with nervousness. "I just, don't you think there are more important things to worry about than the Slytherins."

"Not really," James said bluntly.

Lily blinked and Marlene frowned.

"Well obviously once we leave the school we shouldn't worry about Slytherins but since we can't do anything about the outside attacks, shouldn't we focus on the inside attacks?" James told the girls. He looked sincere about it too, his face an unusual mix between anger and seriousness. "I mean, those Slytherins are going to be on the opposite side of the war once we leave."

"I guess," Marlene said, rubbing her forehead.

"Probably might even end up killing a couple of us," James said, the words dark but his voice blank.

Lily shuddered. James looked over at her, his expression softening, but he didn't make an effort to outwardly comfort her. She could handle the words, of all the people he knew, Lily could handle more than most.

LILY POV

Around midnight, they made their way back to their rooms, walking mostly in silence. James looked completely unsettled, his raven hair charged with electricity. She knew that he was still berating himself about last night, his body almost twitching in discomfort, but she didn't know what to say. What if he was right? What if the Slytherins – her classmates – ended up on the opposite side of the war to her? She'd never even considered the possibility that she might have to fight someone she knew – the impending war had just seemed like a faceless enemy.

Lily reached out and grabbed James' hand. He flinched at her touch, which made Lily feel even more guilty, like he was surprised to see her there.

"What are you thinking?" She asked.

"Right now?" James said, swallowing.

"Yeah," Lily encouraged.

James glanced over his shoulder at the empty corridor behind them. "Why do you want to know?" He said tensely.

Lily signed. She didn't want to start another fight; especially after she'd just screamed at James all the things he'd done wrong in the past twenty-four hours, but she wanted to be able to comfort him, she wanted him to trust her enough to confide in her. James looked down at her, a frown forming between his eyebrows. He chewed his lip. Lily would describe him right now as skittish.

"Because," she started.

"My dad," James interrupted.

"Your dad?" Lily repeated.

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"He's probably fighting right now," James mumbled.

"If he's anything like you he's probably driving Voldemort insane," Lily said without thinking. She gasped, jerking her hand from James. How could she just blurt something so insensitive like that?

To her surprise he snorted. Then, as if the idea was becoming funnier, he started laughing, reaching out to grab her hand again. Lily curled her fingers into his with a smile.

"Thanks Evans," James said.

"Yeah, yeah –"

But James had grabbed her around the waist, swinging her to his side so they were pressed seamlessly together. In one breathless moment he had his lips against her, rough and full of frenzied energy. Lily kissed him back just as carelessly, roaming her hands up his back and into his hair, grabbing onto the locks to pull him closer. He groaned against her lips, a sound that sent Lily mad. She needed him closer – his hands slipped under her shirt and pressed flat against her bare back. She shuddered at the fluttery cold, grazing her teeth against his bottom lip.

James pulled back just far enough so that she could see his eyes, their noses almost touching. He was looking at her with his beautiful hazel eyes, hidden behind wire-rimmed glasses, but the gaze was so much more: there was a hungry desire lurking further behind.

He opened his mouth as if to say something, then, deciding against it, he smiled. Lily rolled her eyes, lightly shoving him away.

"C'mon," she grumbled, slipping her hand into his. "Bed time."

James yawned stupidly. "Okay."

She didn't realise what she instigated until they'd started walking, but by then it was too late to laugh or tease or anything. She still had that fragile feeling in her chest, and James still looked just as hungry for her. It made her shudder, the expression, knowing that she alone had put it there.

They climbed through the portrait hole and into their common room. She glanced at James, expecting him to feel just as awkward as she did – maybe chewing his fingernails and staring at the floor – but he was still staring at her, a hesitant, yet endearing grin on his face. Oh Merlin, she thought.

Surely he didn't expect them to – not tonight – oh Merlin.

As if he'd sensed her thoughts, James grabbed her hand and pulled her towards his bedroom. She felt a wild urge to slap him away, but the same wild urge was telling her to grab him by the waist and haul him away to her room.

"Uh James," she said uncertainly when they reached his door.

"Trust me," James said. "I – I just want to see you in the morning."

"Of course you'll see me in the morning," Lily said, once again without thought.

James rolled his eyes, kicking open his door. "I thought I'd try and down play my cheesy pick up lines, you know, for your sanity's sake."

"Oh," Lily said, somewhat distracted by James' room.

It was cleaner than she'd expected, his clothes sprawled over a chair rather than the floor. His broom was propped up in the corner, and there was another pair of glasses on his bedside table, resting atop a stack of textbooks. His trunk was open at the foot of his bed, empty but for a ratty looking cloak, a half eaten block of chocolate and an empty piece of parchment.

"Not bad Potter," Lily said, smirking.

James nudged a stray sock with his foot, shrugging. "Yeah right," he said. "What's your room like? Alphabetized books? Colour coordinated shirts? Folded underwear?"

The thought of James thinking about her underwear made her blush unexpectedly. "Shove off," she grumbled.

"Take your shoes off."

"What?"

"Take your shoes off Evans."

"What for?"

"You're not putting your dirty shoes on my bed."

"I'm not – we're not – Potter!"

"Clean your brain Evans. C'mon, just do it."

Lily reluctantly removed her shoes, watching James from the corner of her eye as he did the same. She tucked them away in the corner. James shrugged out of his coat, school shirt and trousers till he was just standing there in his boxers, looking, for all the world's sense, completely shameless. All Lily could do was gape, not at him physically (okay maybe a little), but at what he was doing. Why in Merlin's name was he undressing?

"What are you doing?"

"Putting on my pjs."

"Well what about me?"

"Oh right." James shuffled around in one of his drawers, pulling out his Quidditch jersey. He threw it at her. "Here."

"Oh yeah right I'm wearing this."

"Suit yourself," he said with a shrug.

Thoroughly confused, Lily accio-ed her own pjs as James slide into a pair of flannel bottoms a few sizes too small for him. He glanced at his bare ankles as if surprised to see them. He glanced up at her, grinning.

"Fourth pair that Mum's shrunk," he commented.

Lily grunted. "Do your own washing."

Grinning from ear to ear, although Lily didn't understand what he had to grin about, he moved across to his bed, pulling back to covers. He kept his back to her, letting Lily change into her own matching flannel pj set. Once done he jumped into bed, patting the empty space beside him.

"Get in Evans."

"Okay," she said hesitantly. It's not that she didn't trust James, it was that she didn't trust herself to not jump at him and – oh Merlin.

She slid into the space beside him, leaving a sliver of cold air between them. James rolled over to face her, his face impossibly close. Lily moved onto her side her eyes roaming his face. He had freckles, she noticed with a jerk. A scattering of them over his nose. She had a strange urge to reach over a touch one. Pinning her arms by her side she asked, "what are you thinking now?"

James bit his lip.

"And nothing cheesy."

He grinned. "Remus actually."

Lily blinked. "You're thinking about Remus, while you're in bed, with me, your girlfriend."

"I'm thinking about how Remus will react if I tell you something," James murmured.

"Oh," Lily signed. "Well how about you ask him in the morning."

He seemed distracted. And even though she was inches away from him, close enough that she could feel his fluttery breath across her face, he seemed an impossible arm's length from her. She felt relieved that he wasn't pushing her or trying to force her into doing something she wasn't ready for (because surely she wasn't ready for that?) but then again, shouldn't he being thinking exactly that? Since she was here, in his bed, for the first time in their lives.

"I suppose," he said shrewdly.

"I already know he's a werewolf," Lily said.

James signed. "That helps."

"So this something you want to tell me is in the same general genre as that?" Lily moved her weight forward, unplugging her pins-and-needles arm out from under her side. "Are you a werewolf too? Do you go on werewolf prowls at night?"

James winced, and Lily's eyes went wide. Wait – what?

"NO," he said firmly. "It's not that – it's just, wow. I've never actually told someone this. I don't know what to expect from you. You might be mad. Or shocked. Or, fingers crossed, impressed. But, from past experiences, probably mad."

"Okay well now I'm intrigued," Lily said. "If you tell me I promise not to get mad. Unless you're breaking some rule or something worse."

James flinched.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Worse than a school rule?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Well bad enough to put you in Azkaban?"

James had gone pale. It was obvious that this wasn't the way he'd hoped the conversation would go. "Possibly," he whispered. "The laws vary depending on the – well I guess on the seriousness of the offense. But, I personally think, and Padfoot and Pete think the same, that we wouldn't be sent to Azkaban."

Lily groaned. "Sirius and Peter are involved too?"

"Oh. Crap." James rolled over onto his back and glared at the ceiling.

"But not Remus?"

"No."

"Because he's a werewolf?"

"Did you work it out?" James whispered.

"No," Lily said, hearing the word louder and harsher than she'd wanted. Because isn't this what she wanted? For James to confine in her and tell her his secrets. "I got lost somewhere between Remus being a werewolf, you breaking a serious law, Sirius and Peter being also involved and how Remus' condition could possibly justify breaking the law."

"I'm an Animagus."

James spoke so fast and slowly that Lily wasn't sure she'd heard him correct. She blinked, sitting up right. James followed, more slowly, folding his hands into his lap.

"I can change into a stag and Sirius can change into a dog and Pete's a rat," he admitted. "And we keep Remus company when he's, well you know."

"Jesus."

James glanced at the roof.

"No way."

He glanced down at the floor.

"Okay. Wow."

He glanced at Lily's hands, bunched into loose fists.

"Okay that's not too bad."

He finally glanced up at her, his eyes wide and uncertain. She desperately wanted to pull him into her arms and hug him, anything to remove that freaking look of vulnerability on his face but she wasn't exactly sure how she felt about it.

"For how long?"

"Well Peter suggested it second year," James said. "He kinda turned against Remus –"

"I know," Lily said softly, because apparently even talking about someone hating Remus because of his condition pained James. "He told me."

"Peter told you?"

"No Remus did. Not that long ago."

"Okay," James said slowly. "Right. But it took us an entire year to find the right books then two years to perfect it."

"So fifth year?"

"Yeah."

"You're right about me being angry. And shocked." Lily grabbed his hand, skimming her thumb over his knuckles. "And impressed. But James it's so risky."

James shrugged. "It helps him, you know?" He ran his other hand through his hair, squinting. "He's more human." The words struggled to flow, as if James hadn't given this much thought till late. "And he hurts himself less."

Lily suddenly sprung upwards, her eyes wide. James blinked in surprise as there hands fell apart.

"That night when I was doing patrols," she whispered. "And you we're almost unconscious. It was a full moon – I know because I have them recorded for Remus."

"We were stupid that night," James mumbled. "We thought we could control him but we got to close to the school."

"You're joking?" Lily said. And that's when she realized how angry she was, no how furious she was. Maybe James could justify breaking the law to help his friend, and maybe even Lily could accept that, but then turning the Full Moon into some kind of game of chicken? "You take him out of the shrieking shack? Even though you, of all people, know how dangerous that could be. What if someone was out late? What if," she lowered her voice, completely white with fury, "he bit someone?"

James had the decency to look embarrassed. He should be, Lily thought. She unfolded her legs and slide off of James bed.

"Where are you going?" James said, his voice small.

"To my room," Lily muttered.

"Please."

"Is it worth it?" Lily said.

"What?"

"Is putting lives in danger worth the fun you're apparently having?"

James blinked.

"I thought so."

Lily marched towards the door, expecting James to stay put, instead he lept after her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her around. Lily barely protested, still unable to comprehend this secret and that she was walking away! Are you crazy, part of Lily screamed. He'd confided in her, the first person he'd told, and she was simply walking away.

"We all know that what we're doing is dangerous," James said. "I'm not denying that. But we don't think of it like that. I mean, we don't go rogue every full moon, intent on wreaking havoc or whatever."

"I know that James –"

"Hear me out, please," James whispered. He pulled her back into his room, tugging her towards his bed as she complied.

"Okay," Lily reluctantly offered, perching herself on the end of his bed.

"We do it because we want to help our friend," James said. "When he's by himself he spends hours scratching and biting and trying to gnaw his own paw off. And then he has to spend a few days with Pomfrey to recover. And then he misses classes and homework and eating with everyone and just being one of us. When the four of us lock our selves in with him he goes rogue on us. But outside, I dunno, he becomes more playful and he actually seems to be friends with us."

"He is your friend," Lily feels the urge to point out.

"I'm talking about Moony."

"But Moony is Remus, right?"

James shakes his head. "Remus doesn't remember anything the next morning. Moony has a mind of his own, does what he wants – if Remus could control him he wouldn't try and attack himself, right."

"Okay."

"So," James mumbles.

"What you four are doing is crazy James."

"I know but –"

"I can't believe you're a stag," Lily whispered.

"Huh?"

Lily blinked, shocking even herself. But at the goofy grin on James' face she knew she'd made the right decision, as crazy as that decision was. "I'm not going to judge, okay?" She whispered. "If you think what you're doing is worth everything than I believe you."

James' eyes went wide. He reached for her and pulled Lily into his long arms, pulling her head down onto the pillow. She reached out and pressed a palm to his bare chest, feeling his heart beat flutter.

"You're incredible," he murmured.

"Do you have antlers?"

"Mmhmm," James mumbled into her hair.

She smiled at the tickly sensation. "Can I see it?"

James stiffened, not in anger or anything, but surprise, pleasantly amazed that Lily wanted to see that part of his life. "Now?"

"Not right now," she said. "Maybe another night?"

"Okay," he said. "Yeah, of course."

They fell asleep wrapped up in each other, the world around them forgotten.