"DO YOU BELIEVE IT?"
Chapter 21: It's you or nothing
After the glee concert was ended, Finn, Mercedes, Sam, Tina and Mike headed to the airport and left for their homes. They all said their tearful goodbyes and renewed their next meet-up at Christmas in Lima. Quinn and Puck were to stay for one more night. Brittany and Santana headed to Santana's place to get ready to sleep. There was an unusual silence between them. Brittany knew that silence wasn't coming from her. Santana was acting really strange after what happened with Alan. Her face was distorted by a mixed expression of worry and anger. Brittany wasn't used to that expression, so she just kept watching her closely in silence.
Santana's mind was racing at a speed she wasn't used to. Her worry about Brittany's safety was driving her crazy. She barely finished the concert and thanked god the audience had a nice time and nobody noticed anything. She wanted to find a quiet place to think. She needed to think how to protect Brittany. She became obsessed with that thought. In their way home she didn't say a word she was trying to think as quickly as possible. "It's unacceptable. I can't let that happen again. What if someone hurt her really badly? What if they are stalking her right now? What if that bastard kidnaps her? I have to do something. It's my responsibility. She is my responsibility. I messed her up pretty badly. I've known for a while now that she suffers from depression and I don't do anything. I have the signs. She went from trying to cut her hair and passing away on stage to getting married because the world was ending, from wanting to be a genius mathematician to a depressed girl in therapy, from completely and unexplainably happy buying freaking houses to everyone to panic attacks. And at the same time she tries her best to please me, to make me feel happy beside her. How I even let her doubt that? I'm already happy because she exists. By existing at my side it sends me at cloud nine. What's wrong with me anyway? Everything is in front of me and I don't do anything. Fuck me! Quinn is right. The ride from her secure imaginary world to real life it will be the most dangerous one. I shouldn't have let her as a child to go that far… but then again… I needed it so much. I shouldn't have left her alone in that high school… I should thank Sam for caring for her… but then again he was only making her more absent. I should have been there all the time. She struggles to stand at her own feet and even though she's extremely powerful, her soul is so delicate. What's happening to me? Why I'm not doing something."
Brittany: Santana!
Brittany's voice stops her thinking.
Santana: (She looks Brittany confused.) Huh?
Brittany: Open the door.
Santana realizes they are outside her apartment but she just stares the door without making an effort to open it.
Santana: Oh… sorry. (She starts unlocking the door.) You don't have the keys to your apartment? (She smiles weakly partly because she doesn't want Brittany to sense her thoughts.)
Brittany: It's your apartment. I'll have the keys when you give them to me. Just like I gave you the ones to mine.
Brittany, however, doesn't smile. Santana notices that as they make their way to the bedroom.
Santana: Technically it's yours.
Brittany: The walls are mine. Your privacy isn't. I'm not taken you for granted, Santana.
They stare at each other for a while. There's a tension between them.
Santana: I'll have a shower.
Brittany: Ok.
Brittany makes her way to the bedroom and Santana to the bathroom. Santana goes back to her thinking. "Great! And now I'm distant to her for no fucking reason. I'll make her believe that she's done something wrong. Jesus! When am I going to start acting like an adult anyway? Ok! Ok! There's no freaking way I'm letting her go to school and back alone. I'm escorting her every day. That means I'm going to lose my classes some days. I have to find a solution to that. But my first priority is Brittany. And then I'm going to talk to that stupid boy and find out the whereabouts of that Benett so he and I can have a little chat. Yes, that's the plan. In less than a month it's Christmas and we are going home. I'll figure things then."
Santana finishes her shower and makes her way to the bedroom. Brittany is already under the covers. Santana gets there too but she doesn't hug her. "Why I'm not hugging her? Why I'm reacting like I'm mad at her? Jesus. My mind is so small to handle all these."
Brittany turns and whispers softly to Santana.
Brittany: Please, relax.
But Santana is harsh.
Santana: I can't afford to.
Brittany sighs turns her back to Santana and tries to get some sleep. After a while Santana realizes that Brittany is asleep but she can't sleep. Her mind is full of thoughts and worry.
The morning came and found Santana awake. She didn't manage to sleep. She was thinking all night driving her mind crazy. She had already a strong headache and a bad mood. She got up and closed the alarm. Since she was awake she would get Brittany up. She went to the bathroom to get ready for her plan to start. Brittany had a class at 9am and she had at 10am. She would manage to get there just in time. She could make it on lunch with Brittany if she left her class 10 minutes earlier and then she could just miss her last class to pick Brittany up the afternoon. It's ok. She could make it.
She goes out of the bathroom and goes over the bed to Brittany's side. She kisses her lightly on the lips and talks to her.
Santana: Hey, Britt. (Brittany moans.) Wake up, Britt. Time to get up.
Brittany opens her eyes and smiles at Santana. She immediately notices her red eyes. Santana stands up and starts getting ready.
Brittany: What time is it?
Santana: 7:30.
Brittany: Why are you up?
Santana: I'm getting you to school this morning.
Brittany now realizes what Santana is doing.
Brittany: You don't need to.
Santana: (She tries to hide her true intentions and thoughts.) You don't want to spend this morning with me?
Brittany: You know I do. And I know what you're doing. (They pause.) Fine. Let's do this on your way.
She gets up and goes to the bathroom. Santana thanks anyone who can listen to her that Brittany didn't make a scene.
They got ready and left for school. When they reached Brittany's school, Brittany turned to kiss Santana before she entered.
Santana: I'll walk you to the class.
Brittany looks at her slightly annoyed.
Brittany: Seriously now?
Santana: Yup. Come on.
Santana takes Brittany's hand and guides her in. Once they reached the classroom Santana took a quick look in the room, spotted Alan and gave him a killing glare. Then she kissed Brittany on the cheek and left without saying anything.
Santana got to her school on time but the rest of the day was really unproductive. She couldn't concentrate and her voice was seriously damaged from the sleepless night. Her vocal teacher noticed it.
Teacher: Sleep, Ms Lopez. It's called sleep.
Santana: Ok.
On the other hand Brittany's class was very productive. Dancing was always helping her with her problems. She wanted really badly to get lost in the dancing moves and the rhythm of the music. These morning classes cleared her head and made her feel better. Alan was keeping a clear distance from her all day. At lunch break Brittany came to him.
Brittany: Alan…
Alan: Brittany, please, I won't bother you again but leave me alone. Your people are scarier than Mr. Benett.
Brittany: I'm not them and you know it. You know that I won't hurt you and I won't let them harm you.
Alan: Still…
Brittany: Listen… I understand why you did what you did but I have something to say to you. I'm not very smart but I know this. You have to choose very carefully the life you want to live because at the end of the day this is what defines you.
That exact moment Santana enters the classroom and goes straight to Brittany looking extremely angry.
Santana: (She yells.) What's going on here?
Alan: (He panics.) Oh my god!
Brittany: (Turns to see her and gets surprised) What are you doing here?
Santana: What are you doing with him?
Brittany shakes her head to take a moment and realize what's happening. And then she speaks to Santana with a low but warning tone.
Brittany: Firstly stop the yelling in my class. You are embarrassing me. Secondly I'm free to talk to anyone I want.
Santana: Not to him.
Brittany gets really angry, grabs Santana's hand and guides her outside.
Brittany: What's your problem? Why are you acting so strange?
Santana: (She yells again.) Are you kidding me? You are talking to the person who was stalking you. That's my problem. I think I told you that you have to be more careful.
Brittany: Stop acting like my mother right now 'cause I'm leaving and you won't see me for the rest of the day.
Santana notices Brittany's anger and tries a different approach. She doesn't want to fight with her. She just wants to protect her.
Santana: (She softens) Britt… look… I'm sorry… Can we have lunch together? Come on, babe.
Brittany takes a deep breath.
Brittany: Ok. Let's go outside the campus.
Brittany and Santana ate mostly in silence. Then Santana left for school. She got there a little late. Her attitude didn't go unnoticed from her teachers; neither from Rachel, Kurt and Blaine who didn't see her at lunch as usual. Santana was checking her watch all the time. She wanted to be on time when Brittany finishes her classes. She left her school half an hour later pretending she was sick. Blaine got up to go to her but she secretly threatened him with her look and he stayed put. "I have to come up with better excuses" she thought. She reached Brittany's school just in time. Brittany noticed her and she didn't say a word. Neither Santana did.
They are walking on the street. It's too cold. Brittany has her arms around Santana to keep her warm.
Brittany: You know I know you left school earlier and you know I know what you are doing. (She pauses. Santana holds her breath for a reason.) Be careful Santana. Don't do to me what I did to you. You know it wasn't cool.
That's the reason.
Santana: What do you mean?
They are now in Brittany's building heading to her apartment.
Brittany: Don't shut me out.
With that she unlocks the door and gets in the apartment. Once they are in they spot Quinn and Puck sitting on the couch talking. Brittany changes her mood at once but Santana remains silent. Brittany hugs them both and sits next to them. Santana waves and heads to the kitchen before she comes back with a glass of water.
Brittany: Guys! You are still here!
Quinn: Yeah… we were kind of hoping that you're letting us stay for another day or two.
Brittany: Of course. My place is your place any time any day for as long as you want.
Santana: Well until January that is 'cause I'm moving in here.
Brittany sends her a warning glance.
Puck: Easy, tiger.
Santana: Shut up.
Quinn: Knock it off, you two. Britt, we want to stay because we have an appointment with Shelby.
Brittany: Really? That's amazing, right? (She turns to Santana)
Santana: (She smiles a little) Yes, that's nice.
Puck: Yes, we managed with Rachel's help to persuade her to see us.
Santana is already elsewhere. She doesn't hear the rest of the conversation.
Quinn: We just need a place in Beth's life as cool uncles or just friends. She's her daughter and we couldn't be happier for that. We just want to see her growing up.
Brittany: Guys, that's amazing. I'm sure it'll go just fine. If you need my help, please ask me.
Quinn: Thanks, sweety.
Puck: Now. Let's talk about something else.
Puck and Quinn exchange a meaningful glare.
Brittany: Sure.
Puck: Brittany, I think I'm gonna stay here for a while. At least until Finn moves here. You need a man.
Brittany: (She's confused) Why?
Santana now comes back from her thoughts immediately pissed off.
Santana: Excuse me?
They ignore her.
Quinn: Brittany, you have to report this guy to the police.
Brittany: Alan?
Quinn: No. The one who is after you. Sweety, things got out of hand.
Santana: Guys…
Brittany: There's nothing to report. No proofs.
Santana: Guys…
Puck: Britt, I'll stay here to protect you. You need a man.
Santana: Don't you…
Brittany: No, Puck.
Puck: Yes, you need me. Who's going to protect you? Kurt and Blaine or Artie?
Brittany: Don't talk about Artie like that.
Quinn: Brittany, he wants to help you.
Santana just had it all. She literally screams.
Santana: Shut up everyone right now! Gosh! (They are surprised by her reaction) Shut the fuck up already! We don't need you, Puck. We are perfectly capable of anything.
Puck: (He yells now too) You shut up! What are you going to do if he…
Santana: (Even louder.) Don't speak! She doesn't need you. She has me. God! Why you all have to be so exhausting. Jesus!
Quinn: Santana, you are out of line.
Santana: Save it. Get you shit and get out of here now. We don't need a man, you idiot.
Brittany all this time sits with her hands on her face. She stands up and faces Santana straight in her eyes with her most angry, warning look. That stops Santana's crisis. They stare at each for two whole minutes. They don't break eye contact not even for a second. Then Santana turns around and leaves slamming the door behind her. Brittany lowers her head exhausted.
Puck: Wow… what was that? Did she lose it after all?
Quinn: What's going on with her?
Brittany takes a deep breath and turns to face them.
Brittany: She's been just like that since last night and If I know her as well as I matter-of-factly do, then I would say that she's beating herself with all these things with Mr. Benett and my safety. She feels responsible about my safety. Which is wrong 'cause I am and I can and I want to be responsible for myself. So Puck, no, I don't want you to stay here for that. And Quinn if he had actually done something to me like with proofs, I would have report him. I chose to ignore him. He won't do anything to me apart of bothering. So… there.
Quinn: Ok… so… you think we should go find her?
Brittany: No… Let her calm down and then come to apologize. So who's up for a walk?
Puck: I'm in! What about you, babe?
Quinn: Sure.
They took a long walk talking of everything else except for Santana and everything that was going on with that man. Brittany was asking them about the level of their relationship and their plans for the future. Her mind though was back in Santana. Their own relationship was still so fragile. Both of them are trying to protect the other with such an unflattering way which makes things even worse. They are so fragile that all the problems of the outside world keep crashing them, finding them unable to secure their relationship. Brittany felt really exhausted. She was exhausted for her bad luck here in NY, for her stubbornness, for Santana's stubbornness. Thing used to be easier for them. They used to talk to each, unveil themselves so easily and with such confidence. That year apart really damaged them. Brittany felt her heart sinking in that realization. She masked her thoughts and finished her walk with her friends.
She finally reaches Santana's apartment and knocks the door. Rachel opens.
Brittany: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: Hi, Britt.
Brittany: Is Santana home?
Rachel: She is. Ummm is she ok?
Brittany: Not really…
Rachel: Is there anything I can do?
Brittany: Honestly? I don't know. I've missed a lot from your lives this past year. You and Santana are really close… so you know better than me how to reach your friend.
Rachel: Brittany, you sound jealous and it's ridiculous.
Brittany: No, I'm not jealous and I'm happy that you two are friends. I'm not jealous. I guess I feel defeated.
Rachel: It's too soon, Brittany.
Brittany: It is. And then it is not.
Brittany smiles at Rachel and goes over to Santana's bedroom. She finds Santana on the bed staring the ceiling. Her face lines are tensed and her expression is harsh. Brittany sighs and after a visit to the bathroom and gets under the covers. No one is moving towards to the other.
"Why am I not hugging her? What is wrong with me? Am I mad at her?" Santana's mind was racing.
Brittany turns her head and looks at Santana. She then opens her arms.
Brittany: Come here.
Santana turns and looks at her. She hesitates for a moment but then buries herself in Brittany's embrace. Brittany closes her eyes as another realization hits her. Santana feels suddenly so tired that she starts to cry. She cries hard. She fists Brittany's shirt and squeezes Brittany so hard and sobs. Brittany just holds her kissing her on the top of her head.
Santana: Oh my god… Brittany… I can't… I can't help it… This is the way I've always felt. That I need to protect you. Not just to protect you from anything bad but to serve you, to really cherish like you were a glass that would break anytime. Because…. Oh my god…. Because you were so innocent and pure and you chose me… above all you chose me with the poisonous heart. So I felt it was my task to be your shield, your bubble, to be the floor you walk on so you don't have to touch on the ground… Because I was so in love with you since day one and you chose me. And somehow I felt god's favorite human being and at the same time so unworthy of everything… But every time I try to protect you I'm breaking you even worse… I can't help it Brittany… I can't find rest… I can't in god's name lose you again. And I'm about to do just that. To drive you away, I can see it. But the only thing I'm trying to do is to protect you. Please, promise me that you will remember that. You will remember that whatever happens. Please, Brittany, please…
Brittany's voice is soft and steady but Santana cries really hard. She physically aches from her sobs.
Brittany: Calm down.
Santana: Promise me.
Brittany: I promise.
Santana: Thank you so much…
Brittany: You should know… but then I again how could you. I've never told you. (She pauses.) I want the deepest darkness with you as I want the brightest light. (Santana lifts her head to face her. Brittany looks her in her eyes. She feels pain and love at the same time but her only truth above everything is what she's about to tell to Santana.) It's you or nothing. And I'm prepared any time to open the door of nothing and dive in. (She pauses again.) There. You should know that.
Santana: Brittany…
Words fail her. Such as her own shelf, she thinks. Brittany tightens again her embrace holding Santana through the night.