Disclaimer: 'Tis here in which I claimeth to owneth nothing…eth.

A/N After many false starts to this chapter, going on holiday, and then more false starts, it's here! Sorry for another long wait. I hope everyone had a fantastic summer, and yay for autumn! ^_^

Adore

Chapter 20 –Naïve

Charlie Swan was used to being woken up at all hours of the night. Most often, as was the case recently, it was due to robberies or break-ins, or the always fun domestic disturbances. On the rare occasion, he was called in after a body had been discovered. When his phone jolted him awake at 1am, he hoped it was not the latter.

And it wasn't. The Cullens and Bella Mercury had become well-known to Charlie over the years, mostly due to the trouble that Miss Mercury seemed to have following her around. It had only been a few days since they'd called to report a break-in at Esme and Carlisle's. With no leads, he had hit a dead end, and there hadn't been anymore disturbances reported in the area since. He hoped the crime streak was finally over, but as Bella calmly related new suspicions over the phone, her voice expertly concealing her panic, he realized that was not the case.

The problem wasn't that he didn't believe her, although it took a stretch of the imagination to admit it was a possibility. The real problem was that there was no real basis for her claims. Someone could still be in the house. Was that possible? The Cullens weren't liars. Bella wasn't a liar. They truly believed that someone had been able to enter the Cullen household undetected. As much as he tried to make sense of it, Charlie couldn't.

With what little sleep he'd gotten to tide him over, he dressed, grabbed his gun, and went to the station. Based solely on the fact that the Cullens had, in fact, been victims of violence before, he decided to take precautions. He grabbed one of his officers, who had nothing better to do than watch cartoons on his computer, apparently. The crime in Forks was certainly low.

Bella was the one to answer the door. "Sorry to call so late, Charlie," she said.

He peered around, noting the lack of Cullens present. "Where are the boys?"

She sighed, obviously tired and worried, but he detected a note of weariness as well. "They're searching the house with baseball bats and knives. I told them not to."

"I see…" He stepped in further, Officer Hanks following behind. "Do you think there's still someone in the house?"

Bella shrugged, at war with herself; logic versus instinct. "I don't even know. It felt like someone was here, but…I think we would all be dead by now."

They sat down in the den, going over what Bella had told him on the phone. The more she said, the more Charlie was convinced that the events from a few nights previous had taken their toll. He felt bad for the girl; it was obvious she was still traumatized, and he didn't want to make it worse by telling her it was all in her head. But she beat him to it.

"I'm just being paranoid, aren't I…" It wasn't a question. An hour ago, she had been convinced that someone was lurking in the Cullens' house. Now, after talking about it and letting it sink it, she felt like a fool. Her lovers believed it without question, however.

"We'll see," said Charlie. "Let Hanks and I have a look around before we condemn you to the insane asylum." Bella smiled despite herself.

And off they went to search the house from the basement on. Bella hugged her knees to her chest and attempted to practice the self-control she so desperately wished to obtain. She felt like such an idiot. A noise in a room, a phantom touch, a door closing…it wasn't exactly damning evidence to begin with. It had to be nothing.

But it didn't feel like nothing.

Bella rested her head on her knees, resisting the urge to throw herself a self hatred/pity party. But damn, was this all her fault? Her issues with Emmet…that was on her, yes. The break-in and the attack couldn't have been her fault, though, could it? Not unless it was him. If she'd just told them about Peter Wesley earlier, would any of this have happened?

It was bad enough being in the dark about something possibly dangerous to them, but she could handle that to some extent. That, at least, couldn't have been predicted or easily prevented, even if it did have something to do with her professor. What she couldn't handle was Emmett being unhappy with her. He still avoided all eye contact with her, and he said nothing in her presence. Whatever battle was going on in his head, he wasn't coming to them about it. Or at least not to her. I deserve it, she thought.

"Love, are you okay?" Edward touched the back of her head, worry etched across his face.

She shook her head. "I messed up, Edward. I don't know how you stomach me these days." Her thoughts had been growing darker for hours to the point where they were all anxious about what she might do. Emmett may not be saying much, but it was clear that no matter what Bella said or did, he would never love her less for it. She just didn't realize it.

"Bella, I get it," Edward sat down next to her. "I don't like it, but I understand, and I'm not angry."

"But you're hurt," Bella said, saying what he didn't want to reveal.

He paused, pursing his lips. "Yes…but it doesn't change anything, not really. I do wish you'd tell us everything, but I know it isn't easy for you, and I know it will never come naturally. But I'm hoping we can work on this."

"We can. I can," Bella said, eager. "I promise I'll try harder. For all of you." She didn't think she could bear to see the hurt and disappointment on their faces again, and she was willing to do just about anything to prevent it. In fact, she would schedule an appointment with Dr. Clearwater as soon as possible.

"Just take it easy," said Edward. "We always figure these things out, remember? We can meet any challenge head-on."

Bella hoped that was true.

"Is this yours?" Charlie produced a pair of well worn khakis, his face dead serious. Everyone was confused. Why was he dangling Jasper's pants in the air?

"They're mine," Jasper confirmed. "So…you went through our drawers?"

Charlie grunted, getting more and more irritated as the night went on. This was not going to be as clear-cut as he'd hoped. He could feel it. "No, Jasper, I did not. I found these in the attic."

They blanched.

"I haven't been in the attic," said Jasper. "I don't even think mom and dad go up there much. There was never much stored in there."

"Well someone's been up there. And you're right, it doesn't look like it's used for much, but I can tell you for sure that someone's been tidying up in there."

"What do you mean?" Emmett spoke for the first time in hours, surprising everyone. He ignored them. He was allowed to mope, wasn't he?

"I mean it's not dusty. Someone's been cleaning, and there's a pile of blankets at the far end of it. I almost shot the damn thing, that's how bulky it was. Thought he might under 'em." Charlie looked pissed, but not as pissed as the Cullens.

"He's been sleeping in the house?!" Jasper roared. His brothers expressed similar sentiments. "Who would do that?"

"Beats me," said Charlie. "He hasn't assaulted anyone or shown himself. It could be some freaky squatter. Never seen one who squats in an occupied house, though."

"An occupied house with a security gate and an alarm," Bella added. "He must know the passwords."

"We'll change them tonight," Edward said, saying anything to make himself feel less helpless. They all felt oblivious, stupid. How could they have missed this?

"Where do you think he is now?" Jasper growled. But it was anyone's guess. They couldn't possibly begin to guess this stranger's whereabouts when they didn't know who he (or she) was or what they wanted.

"Charlie, do you think it's safe for us to stay here, or should we go home?" Bella asked. She didn't want to sound weak or scared, but she longed for the comfort and safety of their house, their bed. Then again, how safe was their unsecured, unalarmed house when even Esme and Carlisle's home wasn't protected?

"Well he isn't here now," Charlie said. "We did a sweep of the whole property. My advice is to change the passwords. Lock everything, even your bedroom door. And, most important of all, be vigilant." He groaned, already getting a headache just thinking about how complicated this was. "I don't know what else to tell you, kids. This guy could be as innocent as an angel, but I'm not going to pretend there isn't a danger here. I have no idea what we're dealing with."

"It's inevitable that there would be conflict. Every relationship goes through trials, and everyone comes with some form of baggage."

"I know, but I want to dump my baggage, preferably in another state, or even Canada."

"Are you talking figuratively, Bella?"

"Of course. I'm not going all the way to Canada to literally drop off my belongings, Dr. Clearwater."

"Well that's one of the reasons you've been coming to me. And I have to say, I believe you've made great improvements over the last two years." Dr. Leah Clearwater whipped out her pen and paper and jotted down a note. Bella had never figured out if she was actually taking notes or if she was simply doodling with the intent of unnerving her clients.

"If I'm being honest, I can't really tell," Bella said. She wanted to think she'd made strides, but from where she was standing, it often looked as if she was just repeating the same angsts over and over.

"You don't believe in yourself enough," Dr. Clearwater said. "You should."

"I don't think I've been good enough to believe in myself," admitted Bella. "Sometimes I lie like it's second-nature."

"And is it?"

"Maybe. I used to lie all the time because I thought I had to. Or maybe it wasn't lying so much as being quiet. I never entirely got past that feeling of needing to hide things."

Dr. Leah Clearwater gazed at her in that appraising way that always made Bella uncomfortable or, in this instance, annoyed. "Who are you trying to protect when you do that?"

Bella didn't like that question. "Myself, mostly." It seemed the most honest answer, the one everyone would expect to be the truth. Pretending to be completely selfless in her motivations was pointless. "I want to protect them more, though."

"Your lovers?"

"Yes."

"What about when you were younger?"

Bella stared at her hands then, remembering the Bella from only a few short years ago and feeling so far away from her, yet still too close. How was anyone supposed to move on from a life like that? Thinking about it, she was amazed to still be alive. "I wanted to save myself," she said. "I didn't want anyone else to get involved, because then they'd get hurt, or things would change. Maybe for the worse. As much as I hated my life and I hated him, he was the devil I knew, and he was all I had. Sometimes I even made myself believe that he loved me, that he cared."

"You don't think that's true, though…"

Bella really wished she'd stop stating the obvious. "Of course not. He only cared about himself. I was just property to him; something to use."

"Do you love him?"

The silence that followed the question was immense. Bella had ten answers caught in her throat, and she didn't know which one to use.

"What kind of question is that?!"

"A tricky one, I know," Dr. Clearwater replied.

"Is it a necessary one?"

"Perhaps. I'm curious as to what your attachment to him is."

"He murdered my mom."

"I know."

"He raped me."

"I know, Bella."

"If you're thinking about Stockholm Syndrome, you can think again."

Dr. Clearwater leaned forward, placing her pad of paper face down on the table in front of her. "This isn't supposed to be easy, Bella. I'm not asking in order to hurt you, I'm asking because I want you to be able to be fully honest with yourself and to come to terms with your feelings without feeling shame."

"I'm not ashamed."

"Are you sure?"

Bella frowned. "I hate him."

"Hate and love go hand in hand sometimes. You're allowed to love someone who harmed you and others. You're also allowed to not love them. There's no one in this world who you should feel obligated to feel a certain way about, not even your parents. You can't dictate who you love and hate. Sometimes we love the people who hurt us the most."

"Yeah, and sometimes we hurt the people who love us the most."

Unlike some therapists, Dr. Clearwater didn't allow long silences. She liked to crack on, to get down to business. This was why Bella liked her so much, despite how aggravating she could be. "Talk to me, Bella. Tell me what you're thinking."

Bella grabbed the glass of water in front of her before answering. If nothing else, it would give her another twenty seconds to compose herself. "Okay." But where to start?

"Just say whatever is running through your mind," Leah instructed. "Anything. Your father, perhaps."

"You are quite keen to talk about my father today, aren't you…" Bella smirked at Dr. Clearwater, letting her know that she wasn't as pissed as she might appear, even though he was far from her favorite subject. She thought they had exhausted the topic before. Leah seemed to think otherwise.

"I always wanted to get away from him, but I never wanted to be rescued."

Leah nodded. "Go on."

Bella was already regretting this discussion. She felt uneasy going over all of it again. "I learned early on that I couldn't trust anyone, and the people I might be able to trust weren't capable of helping me anyway. More than anything, I didn't want to be that girl. I'm not a damsel in distress. I don't want to be some princess in a tower with super long hair who's waiting to be rescued by a prince."

"Your hair has gotten very long, by the way."

"Thank you, I know."

"So you wanted to be your own hero?"

"Something like that. I don't like that word, though. It's cheesy. I just wanted to escape and be on my own. I've never been alone, not in the physical sense. Even when I was locked in the basement, he would always come. And when I finally did get free…there were three men there to take me in."

"Do you ever want to be alone?"

Guilt crept back into Bella's body. "Sometimes. That's one of those things I don't feel I can say. It's not a slight on them personally. It has nothing to do with them. It's just that…I wanted to be away from people, from men, especially. I didn't want ties or to be indebted to anyone. My fantasy was to have a small place all to myself, maybe out in the woods, and to be in total isolation. And when I needed food or clothes, I could just walk a few miles to get into town. That always sounded like perfection to me."

She waited for Dr. Clearwater to speak, but she didn't. Bella wondered why she had nothing to say at times like this. Normally, she had some input on everything Bella said.

"When they saved me, all I wanted was to get away from them, too," Bella continued. "I hated being there, I hated being around them, and I was scared that I might have just stumbled into an even worse situation for myself. I even tried to leave, but they wouldn't let me. Part of it was them being selfish and wanting to keep me. But mostly I think they just wanted to protect me. I wasn't exactly making a good case for myself. And then…it all changed. I was surprised how fast I fell for them. I don't regret it, but…"

"Yes?"

Bella blushed. "It was too soon." She said it with reluctance. It was yet another fact that she had never said out loud before. She could barely admit it to herself. "Rushing into a relationship, let alone a weird, deviant relationship like ours, immediately after escaping my rapist father was not really the ideal scenario. It sounds unhealthy now that I've said it out loud. I was never in a position to be my own person or to be totally selfish with my time and energy. My life suddenly became about these three amazing men who vowed to love and take care of me forever. I'm lucky and I know it, but I can't help but wonder at times what kind of woman I'd be now if I'd been allowed to live a normal life by myself; if I had started from scratch with no one in my life."

"Would you change it if you could go back in time?" Leah asked.

"No." Even Bella was surprised by her lack of hesitation at that answer. She couldn't live without her boys. Or at least, it wouldn't be a very good life. It wasn't easy, but since when was love easy anyway?

"Interesting. I'm glad you know what you want," Leah said. "It's normal to be conflicted, though. Don't feel guilty for questioning what happened. You came out of a traumatic living situation and went straight into a…as you say, deviant, albeit much more pleasant one. I'm not certain you had the proper resources to truly recover, even with the help of your lovers."

"Well I don't know if that's true," Bella said, feeling defensive. "They've only ever tried to help me."

"I never said they didn't. But have you honestly been free to express yourself and make all your own decisions this whole time?"

"I…yes, for the most part."

"But you don't feel that you can tell them everything."

"Does anyone?"

"True. Do you think you'll ever be able to be open with them about these things?"

"Which things?"

"Your professor, for example."

"Yes…you have no idea how bad I feel about that."

"You mentioned that earlier. You seem to have guilt attached to you all the time. We need to work on that."

"Isn't that something I should feel guilty about, though?"

Leah shrugged. "Your motivations were in the right place. You told me so yourself."

"But that doesn't mean I was right to hide it from them."

"So? You learn from your mistakes. That's how life works. Everything bad that happens is an opportunity for good to emerge if you let it. You neglected to tell your lovers about your professor, now you're suffering the consequences. Next time you'll do things differently."

"There won't be a next time."

"Good. Either way, you've learned when you need to come out of hiding. The next time you feel the need to lie or conceal something from them, you'll know better."

"Hmm," Bella eyed the clock. Their time was almost up. "You know, sometimes it seems as if you're trying to sound like a wise old owl."

"I'm thirty-five."

"Owls don't usually make it to twenty."

Dr. Clearwater stared at her. "We have five minutes left, Bella. I still want to address your recent assault and the intruder you said was squatting in your in-laws' house."

"I don't even know what to say about that. I don't know enough about it yet."

"Well, how did you feel when you were assaulted?"

That was a stupid question. "Angry? Scared?" How else would she have felt?

"You don't feel like violence is following you around?"

Bella crossed her arms over her chest. "No, should I?"

"I simply thought you might feel targeted."

"By what, the universe? If I walked around with a persecution complex, I'd be in even worse shape than I am now."

"So it never crossed your mind?" Leah didn't believe it for one second.

Dammit. Why did she have to be spot-on? "Fine, it did. Of course it did. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be able to escape violent and creepy people. I try not to look at it that way, though. I'm not a victim. Things happen, and then you deal with it. Bad things happen to everyone at some point."

"Did it make you think of your father?"

Her father again. She didn't want to keep talking about him. "Being attacked? No. I'm not living in the past as much as you might believe." There, now shut up about him already.

"And the intruder?"

"Well there were two. I suppose you mean the last one."

"Yes."

"I'm confused about that, and scared. It's scary when you don't know what you're dealing with. For all I know it could be the same person who attacked me."

"Is that what you think?"

Bella had spent a lot of time thinking about this. It all came down to logic again. "No. The first guy attacked me. Whoever this person is has been keeping to themselves for the most part."

"But you said he touched your face while you were sleeping."

"Possibly. Sometimes you imagine things when you're sleeping."

"Didn't Jasper hear someone moving around upstairs, though?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean he was in the bedroom with me."

"Is that what you're choosing to believe?"

"I'm not choosing to believe anything; I'm keeping an open mind."

Out of their many sessions, this was by far the weirdest for Bella. They had always gone back and forth. Leah liked to push her, and Bella wanted to be pushed. Usually. This was certainly the most uncomfortable she'd been with Dr. Clearwater in a long time, however. She hadn't expected all of the questions that had been put to her, and it was forcing her to address things she had wanted to keep a distance from. But in the end, she felt better than she had when she first entered the room.

"Our time's almost up," Dr. Clearwater sounded annoyed by this fact, much to Bella's surprise. She enjoyed grilling her too much, that's what it was. "Just one more question before you leave."

Bella tensed. Dr. Clearwater was on a roll today.

"How did your father react when you were shot?"

Of all the questions she could have asked, that was surely one of the oddest. "What does that have to do with anything?" Bella asked.

"Bella, your issues and your path in life all stem from your father's actions. You're where you are now because of all the bad things that happened. The impact of that is enormous. Your feelings and actions are a direct result of that; it shaped you as a human being. It's important for us to establish that connection so that you can confront it head-on and come to terms with everything that's happened in your life and everything that you feel as a result of it. It's how you'll heal."

That didn't entirely sit well with Bella. "I thought I'd already started healing."

"You have, but it's a long process. We've made great progress since you began seeing me two years ago, but we're not done. And I'm afraid our little hiatus didn't help, either." That was true, Bella thought. Peter Wesley was what happened during Dr. Clearwater's maternity leave. She probably should have started seeing someone else during that time, but she was stubborn and she'd wanted to believe that she could survive without a therapist for a few months. Which she did. Barely. Her problems were like one large swamp, and Leah was right; it would take a long time to muck through all of them. Maybe starting at the root of the problem -her father- was the way to go. Still, she didn't understand Dr. Clearwater's train of thought.

"But I don't see what his reaction has to do with anything," she said.

"I'm trying to better understand your relationship with him and how he operates. There's a lot of gray area that shouldn't be ignored."

"So you want to dig deeper into my father's psyche?" Bella almost laughed.

"Something like that."

"Fine, I'll play along for now, although I still don't think it'll help." It was hard for her to go back to that time in her life. She was unconscious for a good part of. She'd been shot by Victor, she was terrified but trying to stay alive, and she was worried about her boys more than anything else. All she'd wanted to do was protect them from her father. And her father… "He was scared."

"Of what?"

"That I was going to die."

"He didn't want you to die?"

"Of course he didn't. I've told you this before, haven't I?"

"You did. I just find it interesting that he would value your life to such a degree when he abused you so horribly."

"He's not normal, Dr. Clearwater. Psychotic people are never easy to peg. I don't think there are enough questions in the world that would help you figure him out. But I'll reiterate what I told you before; he didn't see me as his daughter. In his head, I was his…lover. And a possession. The only person who was allowed to touch or abuse me was him. He'd protect me to no end from anyone else. He didn't want me to die, and I honestly don't know what he would have done with me if things had gone differently. I might still be there, locked up in a basement. Or I might have killed myself, it's hard to say."

Leah raised her eyebrows, seemingly surprised by something Bella had said.

"What?" Asked Bella.

"No, I was just thinking. The dynamics are interesting."

"What do you mean?"

Leah cleared her throat, pausing to take a drink of water. "Would you say your father viewed your relationship as a romantic one, and not simply a sexually possessive one?"

And with that, Bella felt sick. "You already know the answer to that. I don't see why that's so interesting, either."

"It's interesting because of where you are now."

Bella's jaw dropped. "I really don't appreciate you saying that, Dr. Clearwater."

"I didn't mean to offend – "

"Yes, what you meant was that I jumped from one fucked up relationship to another one, and that I'm fucked up because you think I seek deviance due to my 'relationship' with my father. But I wasn't in a relationship with my father, Leah. I was his hostage. And I don't know how a relationship like mine is possible or how we function, but it works and it isn't wrong. It also has nothing to do with my father. I fell in love, and there's never any logic to that, it just is." She felt thoroughly exhausted after her little rant. At the same time, she wanted to start running. Would it be possible to run all the way home?

"I apologize, Bella. I didn't mean to imply that your current relationship is wrong or a direct result of your father's abuse." But she did. It was written all over her face.

Bella took a deep breath. She didn't want to go off on her again. Be reasonable, give her the benefit of the doubt. She's only trying to help, even if she is a bit aggressive. "I know you didn't mean it that way, but please remember that I'm not my father. We may share some of the same DNA, and we may have some attributes in common, but he's a psycho and I'm just weird."

"I know, Bella."

"We're two minutes over our time," said Bella, champing at the bit.

"Right, well I'll see you next week." Dr. Clearwater stood up, extending her hand out to Bella. "I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress."

"We'll see."

All Bella wanted to do when she got home was collapse face-down on their big fluffy bed. Therapy had always been helpful and arduous simultaneously. This session had taken its toll more than usual, however. She normally admired and appreciated Leah's methods, despite the discomfort if often caused her. She believed in facing her demons and admitting to her weaknesses and the bad things that had happened to her. In order to move forward, she needed to acknowledge all of those things. But the questions Dr. Clearwater had put forward hit a different nerve. She wondered if there was an ulterior motive behind it, but couldn't fathom what it would be. Dredging up her childhood –again- in such a way struck Bella as odd, and it made her uncomfortable to the point where she wasn't sure she wanted to continue seeing Dr. Clearwater.

"How did it go?" Jasper asked.

They were all waiting at the front door when she drove up. They'd finally moved back into their house the day before, and god it was wonderful. She would choose their dinky house over a luxurious mini-mansion any day.

"Not that well," Bella confessed, accepting Jasper's open arms and laying her head on his chest.

"What happened?" Edward asked, anxious. He had hoped this would be a good thing for her. She was so intent on changing and improving herself, and he could see the stress on her face.

"She kept asking questions about my father. I felt like she was insinuating something nasty." And that was what it was. Had Dr. Clearwater been implying that Bella missed her father? Do you love him? But she couldn't stand to contemplate everything that had been said right now. Looking at it in hindsight was somehow worse.

"Ew," said Emmett. "Has she gone crazy?"

"Yeah, I think I need to take a shower. But right now I just want to do nothing. I can't believe she made me feel icky. Are therapists supposed to do that?"

"No," Jasper said, his voice flat. He would need to have a word with Dr. Clearwater.

"I think she's trying a more abrasive method. She wants me to confront my past or something…as if I haven't already."

"Maybe you should switch doctors," Edward said.

"Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I don't want to make a rash decision, though…" Bella was genuinely disappointed, and they could tell. Dr. Clearwater was placing her past issues over her current, predominant ones. Her father had nothing to do with recent events, and she'd rather forget about him for the time being and focus on what was relevant now. Perhaps her past was just too fascinating for Leah to pass up. She made for a potentially thrilling head case, after all. It was a shame, since Bella had begun to see her as almost a friend. Now she felt ill at the thought of next week's session.

"Let's go inside, babe," Emmett said. He hadn't said much over the last few days, but it was something. Anything was better than being ignored.

They lay stretched out on the bed ten minutes later, all of them mentally exhausted from the events of the last two weeks. Their only hope right now was for things to go back to normal. No more Professor Wesley, no more intruders.

"I talked to Charlie while you were gone," Jasper whispered, running his fingers through Bella's hair soothingly.

"Anything new?"

He shook his head. "There's nothing. They found some hair on the blankets in the attic, but that's it. No suspects."

"I'm worried about Carlisle and Esme being there by themselves," Bella said. They had all been thinking it. "Do you think they're safe?"

"I don't know. I talked to dad earlier, and he said they'll make sure the house if safe before they move back in. I decided to pick them up at the airport tomorrow. This is something we should talk about face-to-face."

"I agree," Bella replied. "I feel so bad about it, even though I know it was just bad timing. I feel responsible."

"It's not our fault, Bella," Edward said. "Like you said, bad timing and bad luck. Although I'm glad our parents didn't have to deal with that. At least there were four of us. But with just the two of them, who knows what would have gone down."

"Ugh." Bella buried her face further into Jasper's neck. "Makes me mad thinking about it."

"We'll figure it out tomorrow", Edward said. "Let's just try to forget about everything for tonight."

Five hours later, Bella woke up next to her car, her hand grasping the door. She sighed in frustration.

Sleepwalking. Again.

"Dammit."