Disclaimer: See chapter one.
A/N: Here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. Reviews are always welcome.
Chapter Twenty-one: Final Goodbye
I didn't sleep at all that night. I sat in the middle of the bed, looking around the room, remembering the moments I had had while I was in this land. It was past midnight when I got off the bed, feeling the need to wander the grounds one last time. I made my way from the fortress. On top of the wall, posts were lit, shedding light over the grounds. I could see well enough. I walked through the village, stopping at all the spots that meant something to me. I lingered a long time in front of Bors home. I didn't know how I was going to tell him and the others that I was leaving. It would hurt them as well as me. I walked to the stables and stood with Zeus for more than an hour's time. The horse seemed to sense that something was wrong and he leaned his head against me, nickering softly. I stroked him till I couldn't anymore before moving on to my last stop of evening. I knelt next to the mound, the flames still alive on top of it. I ran my hand over the dirt and closed my eyes, tears filling them.
"I'm leaving then." I told him. "Okay Tristan? I'll go if that's what you want." There were no words of reply, only a soft breeze that blew through my hair. "I don't want to leave you but it'll be so hard to stay. I know that now. I could never be happy here again. I could find comfort but knowing that you aren't here hurts so much and I don't think I'll ever be able to get past the pain. I'd end up here every day, in pain, agonized by the fact that you're dead. The word itself sounds odd these days." I said and paused. "I just love you so much. You not being here hurts so bad." I said with tears streaming down my cheeks. "I don't know if I can handle you not being here. I really don't think I can. It hurts too much and I see and hear you everywhere. I hear your voice but when I turn you're not there. I think I see you but when I catch up I realize that it wasn't you. You're gone and I just can't handle it. I can't bear to live without you." I said and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I just can't." I sat there trying to control myself when I heard footsteps. I looked up to see Gawain walking up to me. "Gawain…what are you doing here?" I asked, wiping the tears away again.
"I heard you, wanted to come make sure you're okay." He replied.
I laughed. "Okay? I'm no where near okay." I told him coldly. "My husband is dead. So if you're wondering whether I'm okay or not then, no. I am not okay."
He walked over to me, kneeling next to me. "I know." He said and put an arm over my shoulders.
I leaned against him and tried to control my emotions. I was shaking from crying and being afraid for what was to come. He kissed my hair and took my hand in his. I squeezed his hand hard as I tried to calm down.
"Come on." He said. "Let's get you back inside."
"Can you just give me a few more minutes?" I asked him. He nodded and smiled before leaving the cemetery. "Thank you." I told him. I looked back at Tristan's grave and rested my hands on top of it. "Tristan…I will love you till the day I die. You will always be with me and me with you. I am so sorry that we didn't get a real chance but one day we'll be together again. One day I will see you again. That day will be the happiest of my life. For now I must leave you. But I will see you again. Even if that means finding a way back here, to sit right here again. I hope you're okay where you are. I love you Tristan." I said and paused. "Goodbye."
I quickly got up and left the cemetery. Gawain put an arm around me as we walked back to the fortress. He followed me back to my room and let us inside. I sighed and looked around the room. I took a few steps forward and turned toward Gawain. He had a painful expression on his face.
"Going somewhere?" He asked seeing my bag and the emptiness of the room.
"I'm leaving." I told him.
"When?"
"Tomorrow, after the ceremony." I replied. He looked hurt. "I was going to tell you. All of you." I told him.
"When, as you rode off?" He asked harshly.
Anger started to seep into me. "Don't take that tone with me." I told him coldly. "I have lost everything. I have lost my husband, and my best friend. I don't have anything left and I need to leave. It hurts too much to be here."
"You've lost everything? What about me and the men? We're still here for you." He told me.
"I know you are." I told him sadly. "But it's not the same and you all have lives to live. I would just be in the way."
"Stay." He told me, moving closer to me.
"I can't." I said looking up at him. "But could you do me a favor?" I asked. He nodded. "Will you lay with me for a little while? Just so I don't feel so alone." He nodded again.
I laid on the bed and he laid next to me. He put arms around me. I laid my head on his chest, my knees bent against him. He held me gently, running his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes and tried to get some sleep. He kissed my forehead and I took a deep breath, taking in his comfort. Soon my eyes felt heavy and sleep finally took me.
As I slept Tristan's face kept flashing behind my eyes and the next thing I knew I shot awake. Gawain was still holding me. I moved away from him, his arms falling away from me. He was asleep. The sun was starting to rise but it had been no more than a few hours. I got up and changed from the dress I had on to my normal clothes. I knew everyone would wonder what was going on but in time it would be clear. I double checked everything to make sure I was ready and then just sat and waited for morning to come and the day to begin.
I was sitting on the bed leaning against the bed post when Gawain finally awoke. "Hi." I smiled at him.
"Hi." He replied sitting up. "Did you get any sleep?" He asked.
"A little." I told him.
"Are you –" He started but stopped.
I smiled wider at him. "I'm fine." I told him.
He smiled back at me. "Have you changed your mind yet?" He asked, his smile gone.
"You wanna get some breakfast with me?" I countered.
He just looked at me a moment before nodding. He got up and we went to eat. I managed to eat most of my bacon, eggs, and potatoes. It was the last meal I would have here and I wanted to try and enjoy it. Gawain looked at me with concern throughout the whole meal but I ignored it. I didn't need to hear him ask me to stay or to argue with me as we had last night. I just wanted to spend time with them before I left. It was only a matter of a few hours before I'd mount Zeus and take one last look at the fortress before saying goodbye.
After we were done we took a walk through the village, watching both the villagers and the Woads come together to unite their kind. We didn't say anything but he kept glancing at me. I didn't want to hurt them but I had no choice. I asked him to get Bors and Galahad for me. I wanted to see them before the ceremony. I'd say goodbye to Arthur and Guinn after the ceremony, but the others I wanted a little time to spend with them. He did as I asked and I was joined by them near the stables. Gawain and Galahad looked upset but when Bors came he grabbed my arm and looked at me in a way that nearly made me afraid of him.
"What are you thinkin'?" He asked me angrily. "Leaving? What the hell is the matter with you?" I looked at him, tears filling my eyes. I didn't know what to say to him. "You can't leave." He told me.
I closed my eyes, lowering my head. He let my arm go and I looked up at him, a tear sliding down my cheek. "I'm sorry Bors." I whispered.
His face grew from anger to sadness. "Paige, you can't leave. Not after everything we've all been through together." He told me.
"I can't stay." I told him, putting my hand on his cheek. "I can't stay here any longer. Tristan is dead. I've lost everything. I know that you're still here. I know that. But you have Vanora and your kids. All of you have your own lives. I'd just get in the way. Tristan was my life and now he's gone. So I've decided to try and return to my old life. Return to my own time."
"What are you talking about?" Galahad asked.
"Oh come on. You don't honestly think I was born here do you? Didn't Arthur tell you?" I asked.
"No, he hasn't said anything." Bors told me.
"I overheard him and Guinevere talking about it." Gawain confessed. We all looked at him. "They said something about you being from the future. No details though."
"Well, it's the truth." I told them. "And I need to try and get back to my time. I need to leave. If I stay I'll be miserable. But if I leave I might be able to move on. I might be able to fulfill my promise to Tristan. I promised him that I'd be happy." They all just looked at me. "I promised him and I can't be happy if I stay here. I see and hear him everywhere. I need to get away. I need to leave, but I can't leave if you are all mad at me." I finished. They all just looked at me. "Say something." I said looking at Bors.
He looked back at me for a long time. "I'm gonna miss you terribly." He told me.
"I'm gonna miss you too." I said and put my arms around his neck, hugging him tight.
I hugged them each in turn before we went to Bors's home. I needed to say goodbye to Vanora and the kids. It was sweet but sad. We stayed until we needed to be at the ceremony, walking together. I stood with the knights' as Merlin performed the ceremony for Arthur and Guinn. Arthur looked dashing and Guinn had never looked so beautiful. It was truly amazing to see them together. I felt a pain inside of me for Lancelot but I pushed the feeling away, he was in a better place now, or so I hoped.
"Arthur. Guinevere. Our people are one. As you are." Merlin told them after he had finished. The crowd cheered.
"Now I'm really gonna have to marry your mother." Bors said holding his infant son out in front of him. I laughed up at him.
"Who said I'd have you?" Vanora said and took the baby from his hands.
I laughed and nudged him. He put his arm around me and kissed my forehead.
"King Arthur!" Merlin yelled.
"Hail, Arthur!" Everyone yelled.
"Let every man, woman, child bear witness that from this day all Britons will be united in one common cause." Arthur said with his sword raised into the air.
"Arthur! Arthur!" Everyone yelled.
"Artorius!" Bors yelled.
We all hailed the new king before we all dispersed. The knights', Guinn, and I were the only one's left. We stood in a small circle looking at each other. It felt a little awkward.
"Congratulations." I told Arthur and Guinn. "I'm really happy for the two of you."
"Thank you." Guinn said hugging me tight.
Arthur pulled me against him. I hugged him tight. "Have a safe trip." He told me.
"Figured it out did you?" I smiled up at him, my arms still around him.
"I knew that if Tristan didn't survive that you'd be leaving." He replied.
"I'm gonna miss you." I told me.
"And I you." He said and kissed my forehead before hugging me tightly.
"I'm gonna miss you more." Guinn said hugging me again. "You helped me through the hardest time of my life. Thank you." She told me.
"No, thank you. I wouldn't have survived without you." I replied. "I'm gonna miss you so much. All of you."
We had a group hug moment before being released and stood in a circle once more. We all looked at each other again and I couldn't help but smile at them. I nodded and hugged each person once more before turning away from them, walking away, hoping that I'd be strong enough not to look back. I rushed to the stables and took Zeus out. I tacked him up and mounted him. I stroked his neck before moving him forward. Once I was through the doors I kicked him hard and he shot forward. I rushed through the fortress and out the gates as they were opened for me. I ran Zeus down the path before feeling the need to stop. I turned back toward the fortress to see the figures of my loved ones on top of the wall.
"Rus!" I heard Bors yell.
I pushed the mounting tears back and shouted back to them. "Rus!"
I took a deep breath and Zeus reared momentarily before darting down the path once more. I didn't have a solid plan as to how I was going to get back. I was to return to the field to see if I could figure it out. After that I was going to simply do what I could. In the end I understood the possibility of returning, knowing that there may not be a way back. I was still working through my thoughts when there was a flash of white light before the feeling of falling.