There Ain't No Sanity Clause...
.
.
Penny knew she should have backed out of this, the first opportunity she got.
"Why did I let you talk me into this?" She hisses to Beth.
"Because if I have to wear a tiny little skirt and pointy ears in public, so do you."
"Should I be worried that I borrowed the pointy ears from my boyfriend?" Penny hides her face in her hands. "There is nothing not wrong with that sentence."
"Hey, my husband is dressed up as an old fat man."
"It's for the children." Sven reminds them, smugly resplendent in his crimson robes. "We do appreciate this, Penny."
"Yeah, not everyone can pull off the elf look."
They both contemplate Mrs Guzman and Mr Fuller, both excellent teachers, and very good with children. But... Penny shudders.
"Yeah."
The little kids don't mind what Santa's little helpers look like, though, so long as they get their turn in the grotto. (Though some of the fathers are covertly appreciative.)
00000000
This year, Sheldon had actually attended the Departmental Christmas Party. Penny had breezed into the room, towing him with her.
"I'm sorry we're late, but we had car trouble. There was one really tight nut that needed loosening."
Nobody mentions the tiny smudge of lipstick on Sheldon's collar, but he's certainly a lot more amiable than might be expected. (Dr Gablehauser makes a mental note to include her in every invite that he can in future. Not only is she easier on the eyes than most of the faculty and their partners, but she manages the superhuman feat of making Cooper tolerable.)
Sheldon likes to buy things for Penny. Sasha at the florists always makes sure the blooms are unblemished and properly wrapped. It is a new addition to the weekly routine. There were some earrings, which were an impulse purchase, surprising them both. (Though he has another purchase from the jewellery store tucked away, awaiting the optimal moment. He wasn't lying about wanting to meet her parents.) But Christmas shopping is a new level. He has thought long and hard about this, and has made a decision. However, now he is faced with a great many other choices. He frowns.
00000000
Marla hates the run up to Christmas, she really does. All the magazines can refer to this place as 'an exclusive boutique, catering for a woman's most intimate desires', but, get real, it's a shop and they sell panties. Mostly hand-stitched, silk or Egyptian cotton, panties, but still.
You gotta keep an eye on the weird ones. Suki catches her eye, points. Marla narrows her own eyes, but Suki slides off, and leaves her to deal with the guy. Tall, thin, and dressed in a comic book tee, he has been hovering round for a few minutes. She's fairly sure nothing has gone into his pockets, but...
"Can I help you, sir?" She's nearly six foot tall without her heels, and the glacial tones tend to send the creepers running.
He turns to face her, and he doesn't blush or stutter, his serious expression warming. He's got quite a nice face, actually.
"Thank you." His eyes sweep up and down, but before she can be offended, he says, "Yes, you are the right approximate size..."
"Excuse me?"
"...though my girlfriend Penny is blonde, being of MidWestern heritage."
He's for real. Oddly, the little tut and frown remind her of Mr Fishman, her tenth grade chem teacher.
"I am endeavouring to buy her a gift appropriate to our now-intimate relationship, and it was suggested that this might be a suitable step up from bath products..."
Clueless, but harmless. He's too polite to be truly offensive.
"Have you seen anything you like?"
He frowns slightly, bewildered.
"I rather think the idea should be to find something that Penny would like."
Marla's smile warms into something more genuine. If she can save one girl from the horror of scarlet and black lace this Christmas, she'll do it.
"Well, that's a good place to start..."
"Oh, I hung her underwear up on a telephone line once." He says, cheerfully. "I have a good idea of her colour preferences."
Yeah, you really have to keep an eye on the weird ones...
00000000
Raj is a Hindu, and Howard is Jewish. This doesn't prevent either of them from participating in the non-religious aspects of the Christmas season. (Raj actually likes eggnog.) Though since Bernadette, it does mean that Howard won't be combining both elements of the phrase 'charm offensive', and stalking the halls with mistletoe this year. There's a complicated deal being brokered, involving Mass, dim sum and whether or not Bernadette can put fairy lights on the Hannukah bush, but the mothers have met and bonded quite terrifyingly over the ingratitude of their children. Bernadette has actually been looking forward to going to work today, and Howard is wondering whether Raj will share the eggnog. Just now, they are forging their way through the Christmas shoppers. Raj skids to a halt, and Howard trips into him, cranes to see what has caught his friend's attention.
They are used to seeing Sheldon escorted off various premises. But usually by Security personnel. Not by a leggy brunette, who gives him a friendly pat on the arm.
Sheldon sees them, and heads across, actually smiling. Howard stares at the logo on the bag.
"...I'm forbidden to go within fifty feet of that place."
"I found the staff there to be very helpful." Sheldon is pleased with himself. "They were very accommodating about displaying the items for me."
A pulse begins to beat in Howard's forehead. Raj makes a small noise in the back of his throat.
"Well, I couldn't buy such items sight unseen, obviously. Marla had correct measurements, but Natalie had the more representative skin tone." He smiles. "It was quite a pleasant experience."
"...quite...pleasant..." Raj croaks. Howard snaps.
"You just strolled into... and persuaded...no, there has to be a 'bazinga' in here. Tell me there's a 'bazinga', Sheldon!"
Sheldon stares down in mild horror at the frenzied engineer, who is gripping his jacket with what seems to be quite unnecessary violence.
"I fail to see where the prank would be."
And that's the biggest joke of all, Howard knows. Two beautiful women have been helping Sheldon...Sheldon...pick out who-knows-what (but he can certainly imagine, ohgod) and the guy won't even have cared. Because the only woman he notices in that way is Penny.
"Raj, gimme the damn eggnog."
00000000
Leonard is in New Jersey, staying with his father and Grace.
Jenna, Grace's daughter, is home from college, and she greets Leonard with a smile, and a small hug, "because I guess you're sort of my brother now." (His actual sister hasn't hugged him since they were toddlers.)
There's a real tree, which Leonard helps to lug into the back of a dilapidated station wagon, and a box of slightly battered decorations fetched down out of the attic, including blobby home-made kindergarten efforts. They even spend an evening making strings of popped corn and dried cranberries to hang up, which is something Leonard has never done. He watches his father, fisherman's hands carefully and deftly threading, laughing as Grace wrestles a length of tinsel from the puppy, who thinks this is all a great game. Jenna rescues a pan of cookies from the oven, with a cry of alarm, but the slightly burnt ones make a good distraction from the tinsel. Everything's a little chaotic, and slightly shabby, but it is warm, and there's a lot of laughter.
And to think, for this, he'd turned down an invitation to read a paper on 'The impact of poor self-esteem on interpersonal relationships' and a nutritious and balanced repast with the rest of his biological family. Leonard grins, and takes another handful of corn.
00000000
The last child has been escorted from the grotto, and the school hall is a seething mass of families. Beth relaxes slightly, tips her hat back.
"So, are you visiting your folks for Christmas this year?"
"Yeah." Penny bites her lip. "I'm taking Sheldon to meet them."
"Wow." Beth blinks. "You're getting serious, huh?"
Penny takes a little breath, and nods.
Penny had considered the question of whether she should take Sheldon with her. The mere fact of it says things, serious things, about what she thinks – but she doesn't know how Sheldon sees the situation.
"I am an integral part of your life." Is the response she should have predicted. "I would hope that you would find me acceptable to introduce to your parents." But the big blue eyes are nervous. "What have I done incorrectly?"
"Nothing." She puts her arms round him. "I wasn't sure if you'd want to visit Nebraska."
"I have no real desire to visit Nebraska. But I do want to meet your family." He tics slightly. "It has to be better than six hours of prayer, and dry fruitcake."
'Dry' is the last adjective Penny would use about her family and Christmas. But maybe it's better that Sheldon meets the crazy head on, realises what he's getting into. And none of her family ever died by badger, anyway.
The jointly addressed Christmas cards have been a bit of a surprise. She gets a funny little swoop in her stomach, seeing their names bracketed together in the various handwritings. Especially the one signed 'all my love, Meemaw.'
It hadn't been anything special, the meal. Just supper for the two of them, and an early night, because she'd got an opening shift, and Sheldon had a faculty meeting. So, strictly one glass of wine each with the meal – he's persuaded that just one won't take him straight down the path of damnation, and she finds that she appreciates the taste again, now she doesn't need to take the edge off the world any more. She'd been draining a panful of noodles, her phone tucked up into her shoulder as she talked to her mother, and she'd just looked across the room. Sheldon, in khakis and his favourite Superman tee, had been eyeballing the cutlery as he laid the table.
It had been so...domestic. And she wonders when she stopped feeling trapped and freaked out by the idea.
"Penny...Penny...Penny..."
And there is Sheldon, who has somehow acquired a very small person, clutching one pants leg and snuffling miserably.
"Penny, I wasn't good at getting along with small children even when I was one." Sheldon mutters, eyes wide and frantic.
It's the t-shirts, Penny decides. Bright, friendly colours. Plus, small children, like cats, seem to be drawn to the people most freaked out by them.
Sven had persuaded them both to come and talk about their work at the school, once. Penny had thought that watching Sheldon talk about science to a classroom full of eight year olds had been about the most precious thing she had ever seen. Especially once Sheldon had spotted a 'Superman' lunchbox.
But whilst Sheldon likes the idea of progeny, in the abstract, smaller versions of himself that he can inculcate with his theories, his bloodline and ideas carried forward, the reality, noise and mess and bodily fluids, has proved to be far less enticing. He likes them when they are old enough to think and talk (and sit and listen to him with the appropriate amount of awe and reverence.) A very small, snotty bundle of coat does not figure in the picture.
The small person has lost 'Mommy' somewhere in the crush of the school hall. Penny has a brainwave.
"If Sheldon lifted you up onto his shoulders, do you think you could spot your mom from up there?"
The child tilts her head right back to look all the way up the thin man. He's very tall.
"Yes." She says with confidence.
"Penny..."
"Just lift her up in the air, Sheldon." Lowers her voice. "If she can't see her mother, someone will be able to see her."
After insisting that the child submits to antiseptic wipes on face and hands, which Penny readily agrees to, Sheldon very reluctantly bends his knees, and encounters the new sensation of a small, warm person clambering up him. He is not convinced that his ears were ever meant to be used as handholds, but his passenger is finding the sudden elevation a little alarming, and clutches on tightly.
But there is screech, and he coughs, grabs a couple of ankles as they kick frantically against his breast-bone.
"Mommy, mommy, I see mommy..."
A very relieved woman forges her way through the crowd, and Sheldon gets fingers in the eye as the child scrambles off him and into waiting arms. Sheldon, busily using the last of the wipes to remove a footprint from his clothing, is vaguely aware of their conversation, turns an offended face towards Penny.
"You told her I was a playworker, Penny."
Penny waves brightly at the departing child, who is waving back, all panic forgotten now.
"It was better than telling her that you were my mad scientist boyfriend who just snuck in here to ogle me in my elf outfit."
Sheldon is still spluttering his outrage when Penny pulls his head down to shut him up the best way she knows how.
He decides that Penny does indeed make an adorable elf.