It's almost 3pm by the time the train finally arrives. The station is grim, but then it's always been grim. Strewn with smashed bottles and empty food cartons, Castiel is so proud to call this place home. The other passengers push past him, knocking their suitcases into his knees and not bothering to issue an apology. Castiel finds himself being shoved against the back wall as people rattle through the station, anxious to get to their pre-booked seats. Someone calls out to him but he doesn't catch the words, just the slur of a drunken dig. He thinks it might be someone he knew from school but the assailant is gone before Castiel can get a good look.

Once the rush has died down, Castiel begins searching the station as productively and mechanically as possible, wondering where on earth his mom is. He scans what's left of the crowd for the round face of his mom, the rosy cheeks and dimples and blue home-made sweaters. The sense of homelessness sits in his stomach like a bad meal as he navigates the station, checking in and out of the cafe, the waiting rooms, the booking office. Outside the toilets a woman with scraped back hair and two children gives him the once over, scowling at his lingering presence before ushering her children away from the bathroom and the strange boy stood outside. The children look back as they walk away, a hard frown bracing their skinny faces. Castiel is about to pull out his cell phone when a familiar voice echoes down the hallway of the bathroom.

"I told you to go before we left for the station. You never listen to me, do you?"

It's his mother's voice, and Castiel turns to see her with Gabriel, lecturing him about needing the toilet when Castiel's train is due any moment. Gabriel scowls at the floor, deliberately dragging his feet, and when he looks up a grin stretches wide across his face. He breaks away from his mother's hand and runs at Castiel with a force that almost sends both of them flying.

"Gabriel!" Castiel grins, bending down to pull his brother into a tight hug. Gabriel wraps himself firmly around Castiel's neck and squeezes, kicking his feet up around Castiel's waist. "You're too big for that now, buddy." Castiel laughs, ruffling Gabriel's hair. This is when he's met with another force, larger this time but not as constricting. It's his mother, cradling him before he can even stand up properly. "Hey, mom!" Castiel breathes in her homely scent and feels himself relaxing.

"I missed you!" His mom says into his neck, and Castiel hugs her tight, keeping an arm around Gabriel's waist.

"I missed you too."

The drive from the station back to Castiel's house is filled with questions about university and Anna and whether Castiel has been eating properly and getting enough sleep. Castiel laughs it off, trying to reassure his mom that he's fine and he's doing okay and he's been eating his fruit and taking his vitamins – even though he hasn't. She stops at the traffic lights and holds his face in one hand, frowning.

"You look skinnier."

Castiel pulls his jaw out of her motherly grasp, a mischievous grin lighting up his face.

"I guess you'll have to make me a huge welcome home meal then." He says simply, rooting through the glove box for a CD to listen too. He finds himself blushing because he knows he's making the same faces that Dean makes when he wants something.

"I was going to make a beef stew." His mom says, suddenly looking concerned. "Or would you rather I did something else? I can go to the supermarket on the way home and pick you some fresh rice up if you want?"

"Mom it's fine, I love stew."

"You love rice, too. I should have made you some rice." She frowns at the windscreen, turning left from the freeway into Castiel's home town.

"Stop worrying, I'm more than happy with beef stew." He says, smiling to show he's genuinely okay with the beef stew. His mom smiles back, patting his knee. They sit in silence for a few minutes, Gabriel playing with his Nintendo DS in the backseat.

Castiel takes in the familiar sights; the high school he attended, the art museum, the McDonald's where he first got thrown into a garbage bin for being gay. They pass the church too, and Gabriel's pre-school.

"I hope I made enough." His mom says as they pull into the driveway of Castiel's house, her face still set in a frown. "I should have, I mean, there's only four of us."

Castiel's stomach instantly drops. Michael is home.

He only just makes it to the bathroom before he throws up

x

Castiel's room is exactly how he left it; bed made, curtains open, desk polished. There's a groove in his bed like someone has sat on it recently, so he smoothes it out and throws his case down onto the floor. While his mom makes tea and Gabriel watches TV, Castiel decides he might as well get on with unpacking. With a sigh he unzips the case and starts pulling out folded shirts, humming along to the Scala & Kolacny Brothers album playing from his mom's stereo in the kitchen.

Whilst unpacking he remembers the two gifts at the bottom of his case, both from Anna and both wrapped in Bob the Builder birthday wrapping paper. There's a tag attached to the first one that says 'To Castiel, Merry Christmas pumpkin, love the bestest friend in the world xox' and the other one just has 'Cas' scrawled in permanent marker across Bob the Builder's face. Castiel takes them out and feels them with curious fingers; one is small and square and hard, and Castiel can tell it's either a CD or DVD, but the other is soft and misshaped, so it could be anything. He places them on top of his wardrobe and starts fretting about whether his own gift was good enough. As he's surfing the internet on the bed for 'best things to buy girls' he realises he's been majorly distracted from unpacking, and closes his laptop to get back to the folded clothes.

"What are you doing, Castie?" Gabriel pokes his head in the door, clad in Iron Man pyjamas. Castiel is sat on the floor, sorting the last of his clothes into the wardrobe. He beckons for Gabriel to come sit next to him.

"Just unpacking my university things. What are you doing?" He asks, noting the way Gabriel copies his cross-legged seating position.

"Come to see what you're doing." Gabriel says, rubbing his eye.

"Tired?" Castiel smirks, glancing at the clock. It's only 5.32pm and they haven't even had tea yet. He wonders just how early Gabriel gets up in the morning. Gabriel shakes his head, sighing.

"Eyelash."

Castiel leans over Gabriel's face to blow gently into his eye. "All gone."

"When will Michael be back?" Gabriel asks, pulling his knees up to his chest. Castiel looks down at his case and sits very still.

"I'm not sure."

"He's at his girlfriend's house." Gabriel screws up his face, "She's yucky."

"Have you met her?" Castiel looks up as Gabriel pulls more disgusted faces and climbs up onto his knees.

"Not much. She comes for tea sometimes when mom says it's okay. She has her own house and red hair like your university friend."

"Anna?"

"Yeah, Anna, but that's not Michael's girlfriend because she's called Naomi. She wears spiky things and big black boots that stomp on the floor and scare me." Gabriel frowns, and Castiel pulls him into a one-armed hug. "I'm happy you're home Castie."

"Me too." Castiel swallows, his arm pulling his brother protectively against his side. "Does mom like Naomi?"

"Not much." Gabriel wiggles out of Castiel's grasp and picks up one of the textbooks lying on the floor. "She's not allowed to sleep over like my friends are, so Michael stays at her house a lot. He wants to live with her." He opens the book to a random page and runs his finger along the text. "What does that say Castie?" Castiel closes his eyes and rubs the tense skin above the bridge of his nose.

"Does she come here a lot?"

"Not much." Gabriel gets up to jump on Castiel's bed with the book.

"Stop messing, Gabe," Castiel grabs his wrist before Gabriel makes it on to the bed, "Listen, does Michael ever be nasty to you?"

"Not much." Gabriel says quickly, trying to free his wrist.

"What does that mean? Is he sometimes nasty?"

"I said not much." Gabriel sticks his bottom lip out and uses his knees to give him leverage up onto the bed. Castiel keeps hold of his wrist, trying to pull him back on to the floor. Gabriel struggles, whining.

"What does he say?" Castiel pulls harder now, trying to get Gabriel to stop squirming and answer his questions. "Gabriel, let go on the book and answer me, what does Michael do to you?"

"YOU'RE HURTING ME!" Gabriel shouts, tears welling up in his eyes as he tugs harder. Castiel immediately lets go of his wrist and Gabriel runs out of the room, leaving the textbook open on the bed. Castiel goes after him, trying to apologise, but Gabriel shuts himself in his room and sits in front of the door.

"What's going on up there?" Castiel's mom calls from the bottom of the stairs when Castiel has to bang hard on Gabriel's door to get him to open up.

"It's fine, mom." Castiel answers, pushing against the door to move Gabriel out the way. "I'm just talking to Gabriel."

"What's he crying for?" His mom asks, and Castiel can hear her coming up the stairs. He can feel his heart racing as Gabriel cries harder; this wasn't supposed to happen, Castiel just wanted to know what Michael had been doing, and now he's the mean one, the one that's making Gabriel cry. "Castiel why is your brother crying?" Castiel can see her now, heading down the hallway to where Castiel is pushing the door open while Gabriel sits on the other side trying to keep it shut.

"CASTIE HURT ME!" Gabriel cries, opening the door now and running out into the protective arms of his mother. Castiel's mom sweeps him up and kisses him on the head, scowling at the red marks on his wrist.

"What happened?" She says, shooting Castiel a serious look. Castiel slumps against the wall, bringing his palms to his eyes. He doesn't want to cry, not now, not in front of his mother. And he can't bring himself to look at Gabriel, so he looks at the wall ahead and tries to compose himself. Somehow he has to explain all of this, explain why there are red marks on Gabriel's wrist and why he's shaking and panicking because he can hear a key in the front door being turned. Somehow he has to explain why he can't sit and eat with his family tonight, or why he locks his door whenever he's in his room. He has to explain a lot of things, but not right now, because right now Michael is home and Castiel can hear him whistling, kicking off his shoes, running up the stairs. So Castiel bolts past his mom and into his bedroom, and he locks his door and turns on his music and ignores the twenty-odd times she knocks on his door throughout the evening.

x

When he wakes up, his throat is thick and groggy and he feels all disorientated. It takes him a moment to realise where he is, to adjust to the softer mattress and clean, crisp sheets. He sits up in bed and squints through the darkness, trying to work out how long he's slept for. His alarm clock isn't plugged in so he scrambles across the bed to get his cell from the dresser. It's only 9.33pm; he's barely slept at all. The memory of Gabriel crying comes back to him; he pulls his knees up to his chest and folds himself around them. How could he be so cruel to a child? His own brother? It makes him sick to think that he might have actually hurt Gabriel, even left a mark to prove that Castiel is quickly and surely falling off the rails. Without turning on the light, he dials Dean's number and waits.

"Hello?" Dean answers, his voice an instant relief. Castiel rests his head on top of his knees and feels his heart tugging a smile out of him.

"Hi, Dean."

"Everything okay?" Dean's voice is soft and warm, and Castiel imagines him at home with his brother and his parents, watching the television or having a late-night takeaway. He images a fireplace blazing, Dean curled up on the sofa, his brother buried in a book beside him. Dean has never felt further away, and Castiel is physically aching for him to come back. But he doesn't want to ruin Dean's holiday, doesn't want to confess to what he's done because this is the only good thing he has right now. So he lies, and it hurts but it doesn't hurt as much as Dean being disappointed in him.

"Yeah, everything's fine." He tries to smile down the phone to make it sound more genuine. "Everything's good." Dean pauses, and Castiel hears him leave the room, shutting the door on the television and his brother and his family so that he can be with Castiel. It breaks him into tiny pieces because he knows that Dean knows he's lying, but neither of them bring it up, and they continue talking about their holidays as though Michael doesn't exist and Castiel isn't almost in tears on the phone.

"I've been out with Sammy today. We just went to the mall because it's been so long since we hung out. It was good, he was showing me his college applications and I gave him a few tips." Dean says, his voice rising slightly from nerves. "I um- I told him about us." Castiel closes his eyes, listening to Dean's nervous laughter. It actually manages to make him smile. "He said he's really pleased for me, for us. I told him all about you, how clever you are and how you like maps and books and history. He can't wait to meet you. I told him about you teaching me poetry and I even remembered a few lines from your favourite poem."

"Not Waving but Drowning." Castiel smiles. Dean laughs.

"That's the one. I remembered the first verse; 'Nobody heard him, the dead man, but still he lay moaning: I was much further out than you thought, and not waving but drowning.' He was really impressed; I've never had an interest in poetry before." Castiel's breath hitches, the lines of the poem ringing in his head. I was much further out than you thought, and not waving but drowning. He tries not to associate the poem with himself, tries to follow Dean's interpretation of a man at sea who is simply drowning, but he can't shake it off the image of himself screaming out for help where no one can hear him, because he isn't actually making any noise.

"Michael's home." Castiel says, his voice broken. "I haven't seen him yet but I heard him come in a few hours ago. I hurt Gabriel, he was on my bed and I grabbed him and pulled him off because he wouldn't answer my questions and I'm so fucking stupid." Castiel's voice quickly breaks into sobs, he tries to choke out his words but he doesn't even know if it's making any sense. "I thought Michael was hurting him, but he wasn't, it- it was me, I was hurting him! He cried and he wouldn't let me in his room... and then I think I shouted at him. I shouted at him, Dean. I hurt him."

Dean manages to calm him down enough for Castiel to tell him everything that happened, and it doesn't take long for Dean to make him realise that he was doing the right thing, he had the right intentions, and that he's nothing like Michael. Castiel pulls the duvet up around his shoulders and listens to Dean's soothing voice tell him everything will be okay, that he'll be down soon, and that if Michael does anything, anything at all, then Castiel has to tell his mom. Castiel agrees, and at his request, they change the subject back to Dean and his day out with Sam.

Dean tells him about the new mall, and this awesome new 50's diner where the waitresses look like they're really from the 50's, with the hair and make-up and uniform, and he tells him about the record player in the corner of the room which plays Elvis and Buddy Holly. They laugh about a movie Dean watched while on the train home, and Castiel even talks to Sam for a few minutes, chatting to him about his college application and his interest in Law courses. After forty minutes on the phone, Castiel feels like he's ready to go and apologise to Gabriel.

"Give me a text later and let me know how it goes." Dean says, laid on his bed now with Sam across the room asking if he can speak to Castiel again tomorrow. "And Sam wants to know if he can speak to you again tomorrow?"

"Of course he can, I'll give you a ring in the morning if you're not busy?" Castiel smiles, picking at a loose strand of cotton in his duvet.

"We're going to see our Gran in the afternoon but I'm pretty sure we're free in the morning. So just give me a text to see if I'm awake and I'll call you."

"Okay, speak to you tomorrow."

"Good luck!"

"Thank you, bye Dean!" Castiel turns off his cell and crawls out of bed to turn the light on.

Gabriel is still downstairs watching the television when Castiel plucks up enough courage to face him. It's way past his bedtime but Castiel figures that he's allowed to stay up longer now that it's the holidays and he doesn't have school. His mom is in the study room, talking to Castiel's aunt on the phone. Castiel creeps down the hallway, past the study room, and into the living room where Gabriel is sprawled across the sofa in his Iron Man pyjamas. He looks up when Castiel comes into the room and immediately sits up.

"I've come to say sorry." Castiel says, sitting next to him. Gabriel stares at him for a few seconds before shrugging.

"It's okay. Mom says you didn't mean to hurt me."

"Do you think I meant to hurt you?"

Gabriel's gaze turns back to the T.V, disinterested. "No, I think you were just being grumpy because your train was late and you don't like it when I jump on your bed."

"Do you remember what we were talking about?"

"Yep."

"About Michael?"

"Yep."

"You said he doesn't hurt you much." Castiel lowers his voice, waiting for Gabriel to respond.

"He doesn't hurt me much but neither do you but when you hurt me it's not real hurt, it's just you being mad at me for being naughty."

"What does that mean?" Castiel asks. Gabriel continues to stare at the television. "Does Michael hurt you for real?"

"Not much, but just once, he shut the door on my fingers because I cried loud when he hid my Nintendo DS. Mom had bought me the new Mario that day and I wanted to play it but Michael hid it from me."

"Does mom know this?"

"Yeah, she told him off. Then he went to stay at Naomi's house for some nights. He always stays out now. I think he will live with her soon which is good because I like it when it's just me and mom." He smiles, and then corrects himself, "And you." Castiel hugs him tight.

They decide to watch the rest of The Avengers before Gabriel has to go to bed, and when his mom finally comes through to the living room after Gabriel has gone up to bed, she doesn't bring up the incident. Instead she asks him about Anna, about university, about his course and where he wants to go with his career. It's a nice, standard conversation, precisely what he needs, and when he goes to bed at midnight he almost completely forgets that Michael is sleeping in the room next door.