21. Their First Feed
Feeding was a requirement to sustain and nourish life, even for those with supernatural inclinations – especially for those with paranormal proclivities. And in a thousand years, there were less than a handful of individuals who could claim they had been privileged enough to drink from a 1000 year old Original vampire.
For Elijah, it was not merely sustenance. It was giving a part of oneself to the other person. It was about providing life, opportunity, giving of the raw power housed inside of himself, an exchange of blood, of consciousness, mostly however, an acknowledgement of infinite trust.
When Hayley stood before him, broken, tormented and starved, he knew that there was no choice to make. He had rarely volunteered his blood to anyone – never in fact. To his family, it had never been a matter of consent, sharing with them when required was a given.
And she had been family since the moment they met; this meant he would always offer of himself to sustain a member of that elite group. But with her, it was also so much more. He had never shared his blood with anyone he loved. The uncomfortable reality was therefore that this might be a first for both of them.
Elijah observed her from his viewpoint in the doorway and watched her sway slightly, her hand bracing on the edge of the wooden crib. The baby lay awake in her cot, her mother a silent guardian angel, afraid to let her out of sight. Niklaus stood opposite her, his eyes, like hers, fixed on the little person between them. From his vantage, they made an arresting pair he acknowledged, a pang of jealously coursing through his blood at the unbidden thought.
Elijah tensed his jaw, knowing that he would never deny his brother the privilege of being a father – it was what he had fought so hard for. Seeing the child now, so clearly a combination of her parents, he felt the stirrings of longings he had buried hundreds of years ago. Those unwelcome yearnings now did battle with his feelings of guilt for silently coveting something – someone - that was not his own.
The baby mewed and her father reached for her, already comfortable handing the tiny bundle.
"There, there, love. I'm right here," he whispered low and hypnotic, a lilting quality to his voice that most parents could identify with.
"She might be hungry," Hayley said. Her eyes were fixed on the little girl. Again Elijah saw her sway slightly, unsteady on her feet.
"Shall we fix you a bottle, little one?"
Elijah felt like an interloper, trespassing on a private moment. Perhaps Niklaus would offer of himself. They were a family now, weren't they? The realisation sent a fresh stab of uncomfortable heat right into the centre of his chest. He might love her more than ever, but if she chose Niklaus as her first, he would stand back and watch. It was his curse and his gift. Compassion. Forgiveness. Sacrifice.
But then his brother's eyes met his and Klaus nodded imperceptibly towards Hayley. A thousand years and love for this woman had reduced him to this. He was appalled with himself when the knot in his chest eased.
He pushed away from the doorway, coming to stand beside her, noticing how large her eyes were. He saw so much there, even more hidden from him.
"You must feed," he said gently, his hand cupping her elbow firmly to aid with her balance.
"No," she shook her head. "No." She turned her back towards him and stared out of the window. He heard the defiance, her stubborn will. He heard her fear.
Klaus had left the room with the child, closing the door firmly behind him. They were alone and the silence between them was deafening, the air charged with the energy of a brewing battle. He stepped back, giving her some space.
"It's alright," Elijah said as he watched her. "Hayley, it will be alright."
He sensed a distance between them that had never been there before. Her straightened spine, the way she'd moved almost outside of his reach, but not quite. Elijah reached for her shoulder but thought better of it, his hand instead falling to his side.
"Jackson called. I believe there has been a falling out of sorts – between himself and Oliver. I took the liberty of asking him to wait a little longer before attempting a visit." She said nothing, but kept staring out of the window. He was reminded of a time, not too long ago, when they stood similarly. He doubted that things would end as they did back then. It felt like a lifetime ago.
She would have to come to terms with the burden placed upon her by forces outside of her control. With that, he could offer no comfort. Never one to outstay his welcome, he turned away then. If he was not what she wanted, he would let her be.
But then her shoulders slumped, like a balloon that deflated too quickly, and his heart shuddered in response.
"Hayley-"
"I know," she said, an edge to her voice, a growl almost. She turned to face him in glorious rebellion. Despite the anger so apparent, he couldn't help but acknowledge that even now, with shoulders stooped from exhaustion, dark circles beneath her eyes, her pallor indicative of her need for blood, she was still beautiful in her mutiny – more so because of it.
"You know what Elijah, I don't want this. I don't need it! Why does life have to be so fuc-" she bit down on her lip and huffed out in frustration "hard?" she said eventually, her voice hard, but he heard the thread of vulnerability there. He pushed his hands into his pockets to stop them from reaching for her. She needed this. And he would listen. "Have I not suffered enough?" She scoffed. "I realise saying that to a 1000 year old vampire is ironic, but you know what? I have always been a damned postscript, abandoned repeatedly by everyone I thought cared about me. Here, like everywhere else, I've been threatened and pursued," she choked out, "beaten sometimes-" Elijah felt his hands ball into fists at the thought and his jaw tensed. He planted his feet firmly, willing them not to move towards her. "- but it's still not enough."
She reached for the pillow on the rocking chair nearby and threw it across the room. The speed at which the projectile moved took her by surprise. He saw her blink a few times before she sighed, shook her head, as if to clear it, and then looked right at him. She didn't have to say it. He knew. Everything hurt.
"I was responsible for the massacre of Klaus's hybrid minions," she confessed in a whisper.
"I know."
She continued as if she didn't even hear him. "I was responsible for their deaths. They were my friends - some of them I guess - and I betrayed them because I thought I could find my family. That's how I justified it."
"Hayley-"
"But now I'm one of them. And I've lost my family. How do I justify it now?"
"You are not alone. You never will be again," he vowed vehemently. "The wolves are not your only family."
"I'm supposed to be their damned queen, Elijah. Sent from the crescent deities to unite our clans or something. How the hell do I do that as their most hated enemy? And why does this infuriate me so much when it was something I never even wanted?" Elijah sensed she would stomp her feet if she had the energy. "I didn't want to be their salvation! When did all this become so frikken important and complicated and messy?"
She stopped mid-tirade and eyed him, the look she threw in his direction was irritated. A smile began to spread on his face and he was powerless to stop it. He tried to hide the curve of his lips by rubbing a finger across the surface. She wasn't fooled.
"What? Why are you smiling?"
"Because you're fighting, Hayley. That's the woman I lo-" Elijah swallowed his words, glancing quickly to see her raised brow. He shrugged, rephrasing, "it's the woman I've come to admire greatly for her fearlessness, her bravery, her tenacity and her unwavering determination. That's the same woman who will adapt and survive. That's who you are Hayley. You're a fighter." He paused and looked her in the eye. "That's the woman I care about. She doesn't give up."
"How do you have so much faith when I… I've pretty much never had much and now I'm running on empty Elijah. How will any of this be ok? Jackson, the pack, my baby, her grandparents, Rebekah..." She ran out of steam. "You and me," she finished.
Elijah took one step towards her then, drawn despite his best intentions. "Because everything has a way of working itself out. That's life Hayley. No matter how long we live, life has a way of working itself out, despite our best intentions. For better or worse."
She rolled her eyes and his heart lifted. "A thousand years and that's all you've got?"
A smile flashed across his face, a small chuckle accompanying it. "It's the truth in its simplest form. And… someone once reminded met that we all do bad things sometimes. It doesn't define who we are."
She eyed him for a second and then launched herself into his arms. The move was unexpected but not unwelcome. His arms folded around her and they stood still for a while; her head nestled beneath his chin, her palm resting where his heart would beat.
Elijah rubbed his hand down her spine, his touch light but sure, calming her, soothing himself.
"I know your life has not been easy," he murmured into her ear. "But here, with us," with me, he whispered to himself, "you have also been protected, avenged and loved."
Her eyes lifted to his and tears glistened there, but it didn't fall. He reached out and pushed her hair behind her ear, proud at how brave she was. His hands framed her face gently.
"Niklaus-"
She shook her head briskly, stopping his words. "You will always give me a choice," she reminded her smile was brittle and sad. "I choose you." His chest squeezed and guilt almost made him weak. Her hands trailed down a tailored sleeve and came to rest at his wrist. She fingered the span of the smooth skin. "I don't want to hurt you."
"No," he negated. His discomfort would be fleeting and temporary. He clamped down on his feelings of contrition because a large part of him was proud and honoured to volunteer himself as her first. Because a large part of him was relieved that her mortality was no longer one of the numerous, sometimes insurmountable barriers between them. Because a large part of him now struggled with the guilt of his own burgeoning happiness.
The woman he loved was safe, her mortality now endless. While he could not stem the dark pleasure that spread inside of him, it battled with the guilt of knowing that this was the last thing she had ever wanted. He was not accustomed to having his unspoken desires fulfilled. It was therefore a bittersweet experience.
"How do we do this?" she asked, uncertain, his wrist between them, her cool fingers holding onto him. He knew the question carried more weight than just their present circumstance.
"Are you ready?"
"No," she acknowledged and smiled nervously. "But I'm glad it's you," she admitted.
Elijah's free hand gently cupped the nape of her neck and guided her towards his wrist. Their eyes locked and he nodded his encouragement, watching as she touched her lips to his wrist, placing a soft kiss there before eventually biting down.
Involuntarily, his hand tightened on the back of her neck, his eyes closing briefly when a surge of energy pulsed from where she drew on his blood. Her cool hands now cupped his elbow and wrist as she drank, her own lids having closed in unmistakable rapture. His hand threaded into her hair, fisting with restrained violence. He admitted to himself that it was likely the most erotic experience of his existence. It was one thing, providing nourishment to a sibling. It was an entirely different experience when he gave of himself to the woman he loved.
Hayley disengaged, taking a deep breath, no doubt experiencing the rush that came with the first feed. Her cheeks bloomed, colour restored where before there had been an ashen pallor. Her eyes opened and looked at the two punctures she has made into his radial artery. Already the skin burned; an indication of the hallucinogenic aftereffects of a wolf bite.
"Thank you."
Blood trickled from the corner of her mouth and he reached for the crisp white handkerchief in his pocket.
"You look lovely," he said, the words tumbling unbidden from his lips, startling them both.
She rolled her eyes and reluctantly took a small step back. "With blood dripping from my face?"
He didn't feel he needed to clarify. Hayley passed the white square back and their fingers brushed. She clasped his tightly for a moment.
"Everything will work out, right?"
"Always." They both heard the soft cries of the baby. The moment had passed. "I suspect Niklaus requires some help."
She nodded. "Talk later? After she is settled? I have… some questions about vampirism I guess."
"Niklaus would be able to-" Her direct gaze put an end to that line of thought. He stepped aside. "Of course."
Elijah watched her leave, his eyes following her progress. At the doorway, she turned and looked back before disappearing with her newfound vampiric speed. She would always have a choice, he mused, and she had clearly chosen him.
He didn't know what to do with an emotion like joy. Decades taught him to treat it with suspicion and caution. But they had just discovered hope, hadn't they? In more ways than one. Perhaps this time, there would be enough for him as well.