I Am NOT Going Through Puberty Again!
A Naruto crackwut
By
EvilFuzzy9
Rating: T...ish
Genre: Humor/Parody
Characters/Pairings: Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Hinata; [NaruHina, SasuSaku]
Summary: Our heroes did not come from a future where everything has gone horribly wrong. They did not travel back in time to save the world from a bleak or miserable fate. As a matter of fact, all they want to do is find a way back home as soon as possible. [cracky, epilogue-compliant time travel fic]
"So."
"So."
With a naturally unreadable expression, Itachi stared at his little brother. Or, rather, the illusionary representation of his little brother.
To think Sasuke had already managed to trap him in a Tsukuyomi. They grow up so fast, don't they?
"Yeah. Just to put it out there right now, I have no intentions of killing you."
Itachi blinked.
Well. How about that.
This was NOT what he would have expected to hear. Maybe a furious, incoherent shout, yeah. An icy whisper declaring undying hatred, sure. Even questions about why he had done what he'd done, why not? Asking why Itachi had killed off the rest of their clan, you know.
But, this?
This was just... perplexing.
Itachi narrowed his eyes and frowned. He eyed Sasuke disapprovingly.
"Have you already forgotten, little brother, what I did to our clan? Hmph. It would seem you are even more foolish than I had first thought..."
Sasuke waved a hand dismissively. This gesture drew Itachi's attention to the fact that this was the ONLY hand Sasuke had on his person. Mildly troubling, though he had already known of this from certain sources within the village. Supposedly, the lower half of the boy's left arm had been lost in a mysterious training accident around the same time he graduated from the academy.
Considering that Sasuke was also quite clearly in possession of the mangekyou sharingan, a fact which pained Itachi most heavily since he was the one who had told his brother how to acquire those eyes, and basically stated flat out that the mangekyou was the only way Sasuke would ever stand a chance against him. He hadn't ever thought Sasuke would achieve it so soon...
Well, considering this, Itachi figured that the training accident must have been something like an Amaterasu that got out of Sasuke's control. That seemed like the most logical explanation, all things considered.
But then Itachi's thoughts turned, once more, back to Sasuke's earlier statement.
He frowned.
"Hn. Perhaps I should refresh your memory..."
Sasuke could not afford to grow complacent. Not with the likes of Danzo and Madara still out there.
Itachi's eyes flashed crimson, hurricane-spoked mangekyou coming to life. Their surroundings changed all at once, transforming from a community rec center into the Uchiha clan compound, littered with the corpses of their deceased relatives.
Sasuke snorted.
Almost as soon as it came into being, this image wavered. The surroundings Itachi conjured through his own Tsukuyomi vanished, replaced by a more natural setting. They stood on a cliff overlooking Naka River.
Itachi's heart leaped into his throat. He beheld his late kinsman, Shisui, one eye closed and leaking blood from beneath its lids, standing perilously close to the edge and smiling wanly at a younger version of himself. Upon the brink he stood, weary but hopeful.
"There is no way to stop the Uchiha's coup d'état anymore..." These words were ones Itachi remembered all too well. "...civil war will erupt in Konoha, and other nations will seize on the advantage provided by our village's disunity... it will become a world war."
It was morbidly fascinating. The scene was different from how Itachi remembered it, subtly so in a number of small details, mistakes which betrayed that this image did not come from his own mind, or the mind of one who had witnessed the actual event, but the fundamental import, nature, and meaning of what he saw could not be mistaken.
"When I tried to head the coup off with Kotoamatsukami, Danzo stole my right eye. He doesn't trust me... but I've chosen to protect the village in my own way. He'll probably try to take my left eye as well, soon enough... so I'll entrust it to you before that happens..."
Shisui raised a hand to his remaining eye. Itachi was frozen, unable to do anything but watch in disbelief. The slight differences in small details from his own recollection betrayed that this was not a vision plucked from his head by Sasuke's genjutsu... but, then... ... ...
"You're my best friend, and the only one I can count on. Please, Itachi, protect the village... and the Uchiha name."
"How—?!" Itachi choked out, reeling. "Sasuke, what...?"
His whipped his head around to stare at his younger brother, that omnipresent façade of cool and collected composure shattering completely. His mouth was agape, his eyes wide in disbelief and confusion. A hundred different conflicting emotions tore through him, a whirlwind of dismay and confusion.
"I haven't forgotten anything, Itachi..." Sasuke whispered, his voice sounding deeper than normal for a boy his age, even by Uchiha standards. "No, if anything I'd say I remember more than I ever did as a child... I could never forget what you did, not even after thirty years."
Sasuke inclined his head. All at once, the boy changed before Itachi's eyes. He seemed to age by decades in a heartbeat, instantly maturing into the fullness of manhood.
Itachi stared at a face morbidly reminiscent of their accursed ancestor, Madara.
Lips quirked into a bitter smile. The man looked Itachi straight in the eye.
"...the sacrifice you made for the village... for me."
Itachi's blood froze in his veins. "You... who ARE you...?!" he gasped.
A chuckle, mirthless and weary.
"Oh, a great many things," the man mused. "An absentee father, a distant husband... a lousy friend and disrespectful subordinate... the second-strongest ninja alive, shinobi no yami... and a hopelessly foolish little brother who trampled all over his elder sibling's wishes.
The setting changed again, becoming a small sitting room adorned in the traditional style. The man knelt down, seating himself before a low table.
"...I'm Sasuke Uchiha, age thirty-seven, and it's been close to twenty years since I last saw my big brother alive. Since the day I killed him and learned the truth..."
A pause. His expression turned sheepish.
"...and kinda went full on nuke-nin for a while, what with joining Akatsuki, killing Danzo, swearing to destroy the village... culminating in taking the bijuu hostage, declaring my intentions to assassinate the Five Kage, and attempting to launch a continent-wide revolution that would have destroyed the modern hidden village system and placed myself as the immortal, unquestioned ruler of the world who would have reigned over humanity with an iron fist so as to ensure world peace – or a serviceable facsimile thereof – forever and in perpetuity."
Itachi gaped.
Sasuke let out a laugh, a hearty chortle unlike anything his brother would have thought him capable of producing.
"...fortunately," he added, "I had a good friend willing and able to knock some sense into that empty head of mine, even if it meant each of us losing an arm and nearly dying in the process. Not to mention an infinitely patient woman capable of suffering through my angst long enough to actually make me see the beauty in this world..."
His smile grew more wistful, almost dreamlike.
A beat.
Numbly, Itachi picked his jaw up off the table.
"... ... ... this is a joke, right?"
Sasuke once more waved his hand dismissively.
"Do you know of anyone alive, in this time, who could actually control a Tsukuyomi better than you?"
"Well, ahem..." Itachi coughed into a fist. "...there is Madara..."
"Tch." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "That Madao died a decade before the Uchiha masacre. At LEAST. The guy calling himself Madara right now is just his successor, a misguided relative by the name of Obito Uchiha. He has a different kind of sharingan from you, me, or Madara, and only half the pair he was born with, besides. I'm not even sure he CAN use an ordinary Tsukuyomi."
Itachi blinked. Calling one of the most famed and sacred of Uchiha genjutsu "ordinary" in any context seemed unutterably bizarre to him.
Only Izanami and Kotoamatsukami, to his knowledge, could be considered more extraordinary illusions, and one cost its user the sight in one eye, while the other could only be used once a decade unless supercharged with the Lord First's cells, and even then it would still be limited to only once a day.
He frowned.
"I don't know..." the acclaimed prodigy murmured, clearly skeptical.
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
The wall to Itachi's left promptly transformed into an animated, 3D pinup. A slim, fairly attractive woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties (judging by a lightest smattering of wrinkles – frown lines and crow's feet – as well as a few stretch marks, here and there, which seemed to intimate a possible past pregnancy) smiled and posed suggestively, winking at Sasuke and silently giggling.
Her hair was short and pink, distinctive, with a distantly familiar turquoise diamond mark on her forehead. Like Tsunade, in a way, although this woman's bust was a good few sizes smaller. Also, she was dressed in aught but a cheek-scorchingly skimpy suspender bikini that left far less to the imagination than poor Itachi was anywhere near comfortable with.
It didn't help, either, that she appeared to be maybe twice Itachi's age, even aside from the fact that she bore an undeniably powerful resemblance to the lass who had introduced herself to "Taro Yamada" as Sasuke's girlfriend. So, seeing this woman in such scant array and suggestive posture felt awkward for Itachi on many levels, a multifaceted world of ohgodwhatevendo and dontlookathertits.
Itachi nervously cleared his throat. Peering askance at Sasuke, he saw a look on the man's face reminiscent of an expression he'd seen on their father, once, in happier days when the man had come home a little tipsy and in a very good mood after finally wrapping up a particularly troublesome case.
Half-repressed memories of their Fugaku Uchiha leaning in close over his wife Mikoto's shoulder and whispering things into her ear that made their eldest son wish he'd never learned how to read lips, fingers pinching places their boys had been taught to never touch on a girl, making the woman smile and arch her back with a not-at-all-displeased look on her face, burst into Itachi's mind.
He shuddered, feeling both disturbed and uncomfortable. Like he was a stranger intruding on something private.
It also didn't help that Sasuke and this woman depicted in the image seemed to be only negligibly younger than Fugaku and Mikoto had been when Itachi killed them.
This WAS supposed to be his baby brother, right?
Itachi coughed.
"O... Okay," he mumbled, feeling his cheeks burn something fierce. "Suppose I believe what you are saying, Sasuke, and suppose I believe you really are a grown man in a child's body... my foolish otouto twenty-five years older, mentally, than he ought to be. Suppose I trust that what you're saying is even possible. Assuming ALL of this, I just want to know... how?"
Sasuke shrugged.
"Time travel."
"T-Time travel?" Itachi parroted.
"Time travel," Sasuke repeated. "Presumably."
"Presumably?" said Itachi.
Again, Sasuke shrugged.
"Presumably, yes, although I cannot personally say for sure. All I know is that one night I went to sleep an adult, and the next morning I woke up a child."
"Well..." Itachi said. "I don't see what else it could be, when you put it like that."
"You'd be surprised," Sasuke told him. "With all the things I've seen over the years, I've learned to keep my mind open to all the possibilities.
"I see," Itachi lied.
"I'm sure you don't," Sasuke blithely contested. "But that's okay – it really isn't something you can understand unless you've seen this shit for yourself."
"...er, okay," Itachi said. He changed the subject. "So, you say I made a sacrifice for the village? For you? How so?"
Sasuke leveled a flat look at his kinda-sorta-technically-older brother. The guy was born first, at least.
"Our clan was planning a coup," he said bluntly. "I'm not entirely clear on the specifics, but essentially it was something like dissatisfaction over a perceived seclusion and marginalization within the village. Long story short, some very influential people in the family decided to try and take over Konoha, and Danzo, that troublesome old goat, believed that wiping out the whole clan was the only answer.
"Which SERIOUSLY bit everyone so hard in the ass, come the Fourth Great Ninja War."
Itachi blinked.
"Wait, excuse me? The Fourth what?"
"It's a long story," Sasuke said, gesturing vaguely. "And not the most cheerful one, either, even if the Shinobi Alliance did win out in the end... and even if I did get to fight alongside you one last time, thanks to the Edo Tensei."
Itachi blanched.
"You mean you used thatloathsome—?!"
"No, the enemy did," Sasuke interjected. "But you got hit by a Kotoamatsukami you'd crammed down Naruto's throat at an earlier time – intended for me, if I remember correctly – and it broke you out of their control. We actually fought together to stop the guy using Edo Tensei and make him release the jutsu..."
A pause, thoughtful silence on Sasuke's part.
"...Not that it was all that useful, in hindsight. Most of the reanimations had already been beaten and sealed, and the worst of the lot actually knew Edo Tensei himself... so the reanimated Madara just used the jutsu on himself before he could actually be dispelled, and things kind of went to hell from there."
Itachi stared at his little brother.
His expression was blank, uncomprehending.
Blink.
"Er..."
"That's not even close to the craziest shit that went down, either."
"...maybe we should start over from the top," Itachi said faintly.
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea," Sasuke agreed.
"Yo, gramps."
The Lord Third Hokage looked up from his book. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Naruto sitting on the windowsill behind him.
He smiled bemusedly.
"Hello, Naruto. What brings you here?"
The blond shrugged. "Something I should've gotten out of the way months ago, honestly. I'd intended to tell you as soon as we'd managed to regain our bearings, but Sasuke had a fit and insisted that it wait until he had a chance to talk with his brother."
Hiruzen quirked an eyebrow.
"His brother?" he said dryly.
"Yeah, Itachi," Naruto said. "It's kind of a long story... although I suppose you already know part of it, being hokage and all."
Hiruzen hummed. Eyeing the boy thoughtfully, shrewdly, he lit his pipe and gestured for him to make himself comfortable.
"I hope you don't mind my ANBU listening in," he said. "Whatever it is you have to say."
Naruto dismissed this with an airy wave. "Not at all, I understand. Security first and all that. I don't mind, either way – nobody keeps secrets better than ANBU."
Saying this, the blond took a seat opposite the Sandaime.
"I see," said the elderly shinobi. "That's good."
He exhaled a lungful of smoke, burning tobacco fumes meandering from his mouth in thin, white curls and wisps.
For a moment, neither of them spoke.
Then Sarutobi smiled and took another drag of his pipe.
"So... what can I do for you, Godaime-dono?"
Naruto blinked.
"You're two off," he said automatically.
A beat.
"...But I'm surprised, old man, I have to admit," the blond remarked, chuckling and shaking his head. "Springing that on me so suddenly... haha! I did not expect you to have reached that conclusion, already. How'd you figure it out?"
Sarutobi smiled a little wider.
"It was an educated guess," he said humbly. "I'd already ruled out the possibility of you and your friends being infiltrators, for a handful of compelling reasons. Between the apparently drastic changes in personality and sudden leaps in skill, plus a number of subtler cues, I could deduce that:
"Firstly, you, Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, and Hinata Hyuuga all suddenly began to exhibit vastly improved abilities surpassing even many seasoned jounin within a few days of each other, very shortly after passing the academy exam.
"Secondly, your personalities had in many ways become wildly different, but also seemed to retain certain core aspects reflecting a similar fundamental psychology – Hinata Hyuuga, for instance, while becoming demonstrably more confident and outspoken, still had many of the same ingrained mannerisms, showed a very similar world view and perspective to what her academy reports suggested. Sasuke Uchiha, although seeming to open up and grow vastly more sociable within a small circle of close friends, still maintained a certain trace of darkness, one might say, showing signs of the same underlying childhood trauma, although more healthily coped with and managed. Similarly for Sakura Haruno and yourself – you were very different, and yet... there was a certain sameness at the heart of your personas, inherent qualities of 'Naruto' and 'Sakura', despite seeming greatly changed on the surface.
"Thirdly, despite the sudden leaps in ability and changes of personality, there were at no times any indication of noticeably untoward activity. You carried out your roles as new Leaf ninja admirably, working together with your fellow shinobi while not seeming to go out of your way to try and fit in, or blend into the background, as a spy or infiltrator might. And even if some of you clearly took umbrage at being forced to carry out menial, low rank missions... it was not in the same spirit as a squad of restless genin eager for action. No, it was more like... a chuunin or jounin who has been demoted, made to perform missions for which they are vastly overqualified."
Sarutobi chuckled to himself, as though recalling a mildly amusing joke.
"And fourthly, Sasuke, Hinata, and yourself all retained certain traits effectively unique to yourselves, things no spy would have the skill to recreate. Byakugan, sharingan... kyuubi. Two rare doujutsu never found outside the families of Hyuuga and Uchiha... and a chakra that only one person can carry at a time."
Naruto sweatdropped at this, thinking of his dad, Sora, and the Gold and Silver Brothers.
Not quite... he thought.
"...But close enough, right?" Hiruzen said.
Naruto nearly jumped out of his seat. The Third laughed.
"Ah, you are as much an open book as ever, Naruto... even if regrettably few people yet care to read it," he said, shaking his head and smiling. "Those who are unfamiliar with you, or who are naturally poor at reading people, might not notice it... but I could see it all on your face, as plain as day. When was the last time you mouthed off to someone and shouted, 'I'll become hokage! Believe it!'?"
Blink.
Naruto's expression slacked, going a touch pensive.
"Oh, hell," he mumbled, letting out a bemused laugh. "I hadn't thought about that. It hasn't been something I've needed to prove, or promise, or swear on for years."
Again, Hiruzen chuckled.
"Yes... If someone tried to impersonate you, Naruto Uzumaki, even having done only the barest and most cursory of research on your personality, your past... is that not something they would have immediately picked up on? To most people, more than your poor grades in the academy, your reputation for pranks and troublemaking... or even your status as the vessel of the Nine-Tails... that aspiration to become hokage is the singular defining trait of who you are as a person.
"And yet... not since graduating the academy have you even once made more than a passing reference to this dream. And I know that the son of your parents would not easily be dissuaded or disillusioned. You take too much after both of them to ever give up on that dream. Not without a fight, and I am sure you would go kicking and screaming the entire way, loudly enough that the entire village would have heard it."
Nostrils flared, and another exhalation of smoke wreathed the Sandaime's face.
"Indeed, there seemed to me only one reason that you might so suddenly stop speaking of that dream without my immediately knowing the cause. And that would be, if you already were hokage.
"Presumably you and the other three have come from the future – I am not ignorant to the existence of purported time travel jutsu, after all. Though I am a little surprised to learn you were not the Fifth. Two off, did you say?" A wry grin. "Well, unless your grasp of mathematics in the future is even poorer than it was in the past... that leaves two possibilities. And I am fairly certain you are not the Lord Third."
A smile.
"So... Seventh Hokage, then?"
Naruto scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish.
"Well, last time around you died during the Chuunin Exams," he mumbled. "I remember that pretty clearly, because I'd been riding high on beating Gaara when I learned what had happened... and, well it felt twice as depressing because of that, I think. Due to just how far and how fast my spirits plummeted when I heard the news."
"During the Chuunin Exams, you say?" Hiruzen said, looking mildly perturbed. "My, I know I'm getting on in years... but I'd thought I was in reasonably good health for a man my age, especially considering my profession. Tell me, Naruto, was it a stroke? Or perhaps a heart attack?"
Naruto coughed into his fist.
"Er... um, actually... you kinda used the Shiki Fuuin on Orochimaru when he invaded Konoha with the Sound and Sand villages. Although, that probably won't be problem, this time around!" he added, seeing the Third's jaw go slack. "Since I can still feel the Kazekage alive and kicking over in Suna, and that old snake hasn't set foot on the continent in practically a month. I think that beating he got from Hinata convinced him it was time to retire. Though I suppose it's lucky for him that he at least didn't target Sasuke, this time.
"Sakura wouldn't have left enough of him behind to fill a matchbox, if he had."
Hiruzen stared at Naruto for a long moment. He leaned back in his seat, expression slack, and numbly extinguished his pipe. After a minute spent absorbing this information, he took a slow, deep breath.
"...so it wasn't a very peaceful era you children inherited, was it?" he quietly mused. "If I died killing my own student, and there were two other hokage betwen myself and you."
Naruto looked away from the Sandaime.
"Er... well, you didn't actually finish Orochimaru," he said sheepishly. "Enma-jiichan's the only one alive who really knows the details, and he won't even tell Konohamaru the specifics, but I figure you couldn't go through with it... either because he had been your student, once, and you just didn't have the heart... or else because old age had caught up with you and you just didn't have the strength to rip his soul all the way out of his body. You did get his arms, at least."
Hiruzen hummed thoughtfully, a rueful expression on his face.
"A pity..." he sighed. "I should have dealt with him back then, before he could do something like what you said. Invading the Leaf with two villages at his back... and one of our allies, at that! Ah, what a crooked set of affairs this all is..."
"Ehhh, in fairness, Suna was sorta tricked," Naruto said. "Orochimaru impersonated the Kazekage, after killing him, and he's the one who gave the actual order to invade. And after the Sand ninja learned what had happened, they went right back to being our closest allies. It probably didn't hurt that I wound up saving the Fifth Kazekage from Akatsuki a few years later, either, along with Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei. And I suppose even before that, actually, Gaara kinda felt indebted to me for helping him get over himself..."
"Wait, are you saying Gaara became the Fifth Kazekage?" the Third Hokage said. "The same Gaara who's taking part in these exams, you mean?"
"Well, he is the Fourth's son," Naruto replied. "And Shukaku's jinchuuriki... or at least, he was until Shukaku got extracted from him by Akatsuki."
"He's the Shukaku's...?" said Hiruzen. Then he shook his head. "No, or rather... I thought you said you saved him from Akatsuki? Having a bijuu extracted from you... I'd always understood that to be a fatal process."
"Oh, it is," Naruto said. "But Granny Chiyo was able to bring him back to life in exchange for her own. Sorta like the Rinne Tensei, actually, although it seems a lot more limited."
Hiruzen took another deep breath.
"So a child became the Fifth Kazekage, then had a bijuu torn from him by an organization of S-class criminals, only for you to somehow save him from said group comprised solely of individuals strong enough to stand a realistic chance at taking down bijuu, and then the bitter, reclusive, and disillusioned old puppet mistress of Suna gave her life to resuscitate him?"
"Well, she wound up needing some chakra from me to actually pull the jutsu off..." Naruto shrugged. "...and we were only up against two of the weaker members, and even then Deidara basically just led me and Kakashi-sensei on a wild goose chase while Sakura-chan and Chiyo fought Sasori. Although Kakashi-sensei DID wind up at least ripping off one of Deidara's arms with his mangekyou sharingan."
Hiruzen blinked.
"Kakashi has mangekyou?" he said.
"Yeah," Naruto said. "I don't think he actually knows what that is yet, though. Or, at least, that he has it. But him and Obito got it on the same day, as I understand it..."
"You don't mean Obito Uchiha?" Hiruzen stared at Naruto, baffled. "That boy died in the Battle of Kannabi Bridge... he activated it before giving that eye to Kakashi, then?"
Naruto cleared his throat sheepishly.
"Oh, jeez. I'd forgotten he was supposed to have died back then..." the blond muttered. "Uh, yeah. Pro-tip: Obito's still alive. Relatedly, Madara Uchiha also survived his last battle with the First Hokage, and clung to life long enough to save Obito from dying back then and take him under his wing. And the two of them basically wound up fucking over the whole rest of the world for several years, since Obito sorta went off the deep end when he saw Kakashi-sensei kill Rin.
"Yeah, you know Akatsuki? That gang of S-class psychos we were just talking about? He's kind of the one pulling the strings behind that whole organization. Madara's dead now, thankfully, but Obito's bad enough on his own... and he's got a lot of very strong and dangerous people convinced that he's Madara. Left to his own devices, he'll gather up the bijuu, mash them together to reform the Juubi, transform that into the Shinjuu, and then cast Infinite Tsukuyomi on the whole world.
"So, yeah. It's kind of a crucial detail, that Obito survived."
Hiruzen's mouth worked open and shut soundlessly for several seconds. His face was ashen gray, and his eyes were as wide and round as dinner plates.
"You are joking, right?"
"Trust me, gramps, I only wish I was," Naruto sighed. Then he shrugged. "Well, the Akatsuki problem ought to be nipping itself in the bud fairly shortly, either way, so we won't have to worry too much about them this time around."
He inclined his head.
"Ah, hot damn. Konan doesn't fuck around, does she...? That might be more explosive tags than I have felt in my entire adult life, and Tenten used to throw that shit around like confetti. No wonder she was so convinced she could take him out, with an ace like that up her sleeve..."
Hiruzen blinked.
"Konan?" he said. "What? Who?"
"One of the Rain orphans Jiraiya taught," Naruto supplied. "She, Nagato, and Yahiko were actually the founding members of Akatsuki when it was just an organization dedicated to protecting the Land of Rain from outside threats, back before Obito came along, sicced Hanzo on 'em, got Yahiko killed, then told Nagato and Konan that he was Madara and they should totally follow him."
The Sandaime took a moment to process all of this, his lips twitching in a thoughtful frown. He eyed Naruto shrewdly.
"You can sense them?" he asked. "You mentioned being able to sense Orochimaru and the Kazekage, too... and you say Akatsuki is..."
"Being taken care of, yeah," Naruto nodded. He paused, and tilted his head. "Ah, good on you, Sasuke. Thinking to include instructions for Izanami in the letter... I guess Obito must've had a spare sharingan in reserve to burn on an Izanagi after all."
"Izanami?" said Hiruzen. "Izanagi? You don't mean... the Uchiha clan's most strictly forbidden kinjutsu, do you?"
"Yeah, Sasuke figured Obito might be desperate enough to Izanagi himself, if Konan and Nagato went at him at the same time. But, dayum, I did not expect Konan to have that kind of firepower in reserve. I guess she wasn't just kept around for that pretty face, huh?"
"...I can't actually sense whatever it is you're sensing, Naruto," Hiruzen said. He noticed a strange orange pigmentation forming around the Nanadaime's eyes.
The blond gave a start at this, then scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.
"Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah, so apparently she had like a hundred billion paper bombs or something like that just chilling around in case 'Madara-sama' ever became a liability." An appreciative hum. "Definitely not just for cheesecake, sheesh. I mean, ten straight minutes of explosions that massive? Deidara'd probably cream his pants if he saw this... she REALLY did not trust Obito."
"I though he was their leader, though. You didn't make it sound like they ever learned of his treachery last time around..."
Naruto shrugged. "Konan might've," he said. "She sorta vanished off the face of the earth sometime before the Fourth Shinobi World War, not long before Obito came onto the scene with a brand new rinnegan. He probably killed her to get at Nagato's."
"Mm, I see..." Hiruzen said. "Well, that certainly sounds..."
He then paused. His jaw fell open.
He did the mother of all double takes.
"Wait. What? You... you just said... rinnegan, right? As in... the mythical eyes of the Sage of Six Paths? That rinnegan?"
"The one and only," Naruto replied. "Though it's not really that special. I mean, Madara had a pair, Nagato had Madara's, Obito used one of Nagato's, and – hell! Even Sasuke got one, after Rikudo-jiichan gave him his Yin Chakra."
Hiruzen stared.
"Sa...Sasuke? Sasuke Uchiha?" he gaped. "He has the rinnegan? He... met... the Sage of Six Paths?"
"So did I," Naruto said. "And Sakura-chan, Kakashi-sensei... plus you, the First and Second Hokage, and my dad, when the four of us were fighting Old Lady Kaguya in another dimension. Hell, even all the other past kage kinda met him, when he summoned their souls from the afterlife to perform a joint summoning jutsu along with you three to get us back out of that dimension after me and Sasuke used the Yin and Yang Chakras we got from Rikudo-jiichan to seal Kaguya and Black Zetsu away for good, where nobody could break them out."
"... ... ... okay," Hiruzen said slowly. "Either Homura and Koharu conspired to replace my tobacco with something else, or you just said a lot of things that shouldn't make sense in any sort of sane or rational world."
Naruto shrugged.
"Well, you four were kinda brought back to life by Orochimaru using Edo Tensei to answer some questions for Sasuke about the Uchiha massacre and what the hell a village is, and Kaguya was Rikudo-jiichan and his brother's mom, who apparently got real pissed that they were born with chakra when she'd had to break the ultimate taboo and eat the Shinjuu's fruit to gain it, and merged with the Shinjuu to become the Juubi, then got beaten by her sons.
"Then her body got sealed in the moon when Rikudo-jiichan was dying, and her chakra was split into the nine biju. And she gave birth to a third son while this was happening, somehow, and he skulked around for a few thousand years basically pulling strings and vandalizing sacred texts to manipulate people into eventually trying to reunite the bijuu and perform Infinite Tsukuyomi on the world, which would free his mom and send everything straight to shit."
Hiruzen gawped at Naruto, looking more like a buffoon than a ninja so brilliant and masterful as to have been called shinobi no kami.
Then Naruto blinked.
"Oh, ow. That is not a pleasant way to go."
Weakly, Hiruzen shook his head.
"What...?"
"You don't wanna know," Naruto said, shuddering. "I guess seeing Obito trapped and defenseless in Izanami was just too much of an opportunity for Konan to pass up. That woman is as terrifying as she is gorgeous... and let me tell you, if I weren't happily married, and also physically only thirteen? I would tap that so hard."
Hiruzen nodded weakly.
"I see..." he murmured. "So, that takes care of Akatsuki, does it?"
"Almost," Naruto said. "Sasuke's talking to Itachi, and it feels like Kisame's about to get a visit from an old friend, on the Mizukage's behalf methinks... and as for the rest, well..."
"What about the rest of them, Sasuke?" Itachi asked within the confines of Tsukuyomi, frowning at the one-armed man who it seemed truly was his baby brother. "Even if you think Pain and Konan can handle Mada...Obito, and won't just go right back to their prior activities once he's dead... that still leaves several S-class rogue ninja running around with no one to keep them in check."
Sasuke laughed.
"Eh, that Hokage of mine may not be the sharpest crayon in the box... and Shikamaru may not have come back with us... but he's still got a pretty terrifying mind in his own right. That Naruto... while it's not like we didn't help him iron out the details... he's still probably the only one with the audacity to actually go ahead use a gambit this outrageous."
"Pardon?" Itachi murmured.
Dear Tsuchikage,
Yo, I hear you've been working with these jerks called Akatsuki. Not cool, man! I hear they're serious bad news.
Like, wanting to gather all the bijuu kind of bad news. Believe me, you don't wanna get mixed up with that sort! What would people think if they found out you were providing employment to wanted criminals and S-class missing ninja?
Nothing good, that's for sure. Personally, I'd advise cutting ties with them now and erasing any proof of your cooperation with those guys, before they go and piss off the wrong people.
Think about it, man.
Sincerely,
The Son of the Yellow Flash
Fence-Sitter Ohnoki gripped the letter in his hands until it was thoroughly creased and crumpled, flying through an abandoned ghost town. He glared at the attached photo of a grinning, spiky-haired blond boy with blue eyes, holding a rasengan in one hand and a hiraishin kunai in the other.
"Gr... dammit," he muttered to himself. "When I find out who's responsible for this... tch! To think that bastard could have reproduced..."
When he first got the letter, naturally he'd had the photo checked for any signs of forgery or editing. The finest experts in Iwa had taken one look at the picture, declared it a hundred percent genuine, then taken a second look at the picture, and shit their pants in horror.
It was mortifying, but if someone with access to the Fourth Hokage's son knew of his past business with Akatsuki...
Well, Iwa had very good spies. Ohnoki was well aware that the boy in the picture was the kyuubi jinchuuriki. So here he was, hunting down his most frequent contact in the organization with plans to kill them and erase any evidence of his ever employing them.
Ohnoki wasn't about to risk the Yellow Flash finding a way to murder him from beyond the grave for working with people who were targeting his son.
"Akatsuki, is it?" a voice rumbled, a fierce growl coming from the brush.
Deidara scowled, and turned to face the speaker. He and Sasori came to a stop in a forest clearing.
"Hah... and what if it is, hm?" he asked.
A tall, muscular, swarthy figure dressed in open white robes with an ogre-headed belt stomped into the open, bursting heedlessly from the underbrush. A blonde woman followed him, as well as a white-haired swordsman.
Arms like tree trunks flexed, and dark eyes flashed. Rippling pecs sparked with a visible electric current.
"Criminals and defectors... is it true? That you scum of the earth have designs on the bijuu... and their jinchuuriki?"
Deidara sneered, slipping his hand into a pouch of clay.
"Again, so what if we are?"
Ay snarled.
"Then you have made a serious error, if you think for even an instant that I will abide such treachery..."
Darui and Yugito winced as their boss's body erupted in a shower of sparks.
"...or if you think that filthy turncoats and traitors like yourselves stand any chance against the Fourth Raikage!"
Sasori blinked.
"Wait, what?"
A wave of golden sand crashed through the trees from behind the pair of Akatsuki ninja, nearly burying Sasori and Deidara alive.
"Not so fast, Lord Raikage..." growled a livid, auburn haired shinobi with tanuki-like rings around his eyes. A diminutive, elderly woman stood beside him. "The scorpion is mine. As the Sandaime Kazekage's disciple and successor... I'd never forgive myself if I let someone else kill his assassin."
Deidara paled slightly.
"Eh...? Oy, oy... what the hell is this?" he said. "Sasori, my man... isn't that the Kazekage? And the Raikage? Yeah?"
Sasori, or rather the puppet Hiruko in which he hid, was motionless for a moment.
Then it nodded.
Deidara paled further.
"Uh... you wanna take 'em, or should I?"
"Oh, just blow them up already, you pandering philistine."
Deidara relaxed.
"Hmm... Well, alright then..."
Then he blinked.
"Eh?"
Sasori, or rather Hiruko, was completely motionless. Bushes rustled behind Deidara.
Hiruko collapsed to the ground, bereft of any will to control it.
Deidara swore.
"Oh, no, you don't!" Rasa snarled. He jumped onto a floating platform of gold dust. "SASORI...!"
He and Chiyo took off in hot pursuit after the fleeing puppet master.
And Deidara got a faceful of the Raikage's fist before he could even react.
"...like that," said Sasuke.
Itachi gaped.
"Are you saying a thirteen year old boy somehow convinced three of the Five Kage to personally take out the remainder of Akatsuki in a coordinated assault? Is that really what you're suggesting?"
"Well, they're all doing it for their own reasons, I'm sure," Sasuke said. "But yeah, basically. I'll remind you that he is actually the same age as me, though. And the Seventh Hokage."
"Sure, yes, but... still, something like that?"
Sasuke shrugged.
"He is scarily persuasive."
A/N: So.
More than once, people have wondered when the time travelers were gonna spill the beans, if ever.
This chapter oughta put THAT question to rest.
Also, a few people have asked my opinions on the Naruto Gaiden thing since it first came out. Mostly focusing on how the revelations therein may make the "epilogue-compliant" tag of this a little sticky, although a few have also asked whether I've been really upset by any of it.
And, to quote my most definitive response to such a question (back a little bit after chapter 2 became available):
[Am I] Upset [because of the Naruto Gaiden]? No, not really.
Mildly bemused that either Itachi must have actually knocked someone up, some Uchiha must have escaped the massacre, or Orochimaru might have been doing experiments with recreating the sharingan? Yeah, a little.
Mostly, though, I'm a mix of vindicated over Sasuke apparently still only having one arm (insert preemptive "HAH! BLOODY CALLED IT!"), entertained by the contrasts and comparisons drawn between Chouchou and Sarada, and vaguely curious as to whether it will turn out that Sarada is actually Karin's biological daughter, or whether the hints in these first couple chapters will turn out to have just been red herrings created in order to build tension and get reader's wondering.
Also, still going a little "what the hell sasuke" at his presumed daughter apparently having never once met him in twelve years of life... though, okay, that's actually a pretty common situation with the dads of manga/anime protagonists.
This still leaves him leagues above dads like Genma Saotome, Gendo Ikari, or Shun Ayasaki.
Which is still pretty indicative of my feelings, thus far, aside from a few additional thoughts like: "Wow, Chouchou can already use Partial Expansion Jutsu before even technically graduating from the academy? I see. So she's both entertaining AND badass," and: "Oh, look at Bolt, he's a real mama's boy, ain't he? Hehe, how cute."
I am mildly curious to see how Bolt's character will be handled when the movie comes out, particularly in regards to how well he actually grasps the basics, and whether he'll be dead last in the academy, like his dad – personally, I like the idea of him actually not being a complete dumbass and doing reasonably well, but getting marked down for attitude problems, disruptive behavior, or being uncooperative.
That he's maybe not terribly smart, but definitely better off than Naruto was at that age. And I also find myself rather liking the idea of Himawari actually being rather talented, perhaps moreso than her big brother.
Basically, I hope to see the kids as both like yet unlike their parents. Chouchou's a good example of what I hope to see with most of the next gen cast, bearing a strong resemblance to both of her folks in different ways, but also having her own unique personality that sets her apart from either of them. Hell, even Naruto himself, or Sasuke, or Sakura, when compared with their parents, are a decent standard for this.
Also, Mitsuki is so obviously Suigetsu's kid. Srsly, bluish-white haired bishounen foreigner in their class at the academy? That ain't coincidence. And if it turns out that Sakura really is Sarada's mom (which I personally suspect will be the case) then I bet you anything Mitsuki's mom will be Karin.
Just to tie everything together.
Also, whoa, when did this fic become half a year old? Hell, has Naruto already been over for that long...?
It's still a little surreal to think about, considering how goddamn long I've been part of this fandom. A decade, or so, and maybe even longer – I faintly recall seeing like the second or third episode of the anime when it first came out stateside. Hell, I vaguely remember the original Toonami ad campaign, advertising it and a couple other new anime...
How many of you guys, here, know of and remember NarutoMangaReturns? I was reading scans of the manga on that message board/MSN group before I even knew dedicated scan sites like onemanga or mangafox existed – hell, I remember when those sites still had actual manga on them!
I read Naruto fanfiction at least a little while before actually joining this site, and I've been on here since the Summer of '06. I read Naruto fanfiction before I knew anything of rasengan, Valley of the End... hell, waaaay back when, before I even knew Hinata Hyuuga was a character who existed, I read NaruSaku fics despite knowing next to nothing about the fandom aside from what I managed to catch on the early dubbed airings.
Naruto may not have been my childhood, but it was certainly a big part of my adolescence and early adulthood.
So, yeah.
There are certainly people who've followed this series longer and more faithfully, but... I dunno, I write moderately funny crack fic, gratuitous smut, and occasionally thoughtful or philosophical bit pieces, I guess.
No longer sure where I was going with that tangent, haha...
Updated: 5-19-15
TTFN and R&R!
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