Song: Bang, Bang, Bang

Artist: Christina Perri

Alright, here is chapter 20 for all my Milton whores! I'll post a new chapter when I get back on May 11th.

Ciao,

Winnie

}{ Saving Grace }{

Chapter Twenty

Gracelyn twitched in her bed as sleep slowly waned from her. She could hear herself breathing, breath against sheets as she waffled between sleeping and waking. Her mind slowly pulled towards sleep and filled with the sound of shrill, high pitched screaming: the screaming of a girl.

A dream, she thought, it's only a dream. It's not real.

"No! Please, you can't! You can't do this!"

I'm so sorry Gracie…"

"This can't be happening…"

"We don't have any other options, Lyn..."

"Zombies aren't real..."

"But they are…"

"This is just some nightmare…"

Gracelyn turned over in bed and pulled the covers over her head, hiding in their warmth. She took a deep breath and released it with a yawn, snuggling into the darkness. She tried to forget, to move on, but then there came another shrill scream and then another.

Gracelyn's eyes burst open with a start as her heart nearly sprung free from her ribcage. She bolted upright in bed with mussed hair and hastily looked about her room for a source of the scream. She wasn't in her apartment back at Duke. She was in Woodbury in her small room with her scratchy sheets and hard mattress.

She looked to the window and then clambered out of bed, getting caught in the sheets and tumbling to the floor in a heap. She crawled on her hands and knees to the window. She placed her hands on the ledge and stared outside.

The streets were filled with people. Everyone was outside in the street, on the sidewalks, in grassy areas. They stood in groups with colored cups in their hands, sipping on the contents. Umbrellas were set up in the grass areas; fold out chairs, coolers, bubbles, even music was playing from somewhere Gracelyn couldn't pinpoint. She narrowed her eyes, expression conveying her feeling of surprise.

She spotted a little girl running through the streets, pursued by a little boy with a cup in his chubby hand. She stopped, looked back at the boy and then took off again from him while she screamed. Gracelyn suddenly realized that she was the source of the alarm.

Gracelyn turned away from the window and sat down on the ground. The sun beat down on her neck uncomfortably. She looked to her bed and scowled, seeing the mess she had made trying to escape their grip. That sleep had been one of her worse ones lately. Every night the darkness was slowly creeping closer, threatening to swallow her whole.

She knocked her head gently against the glass of the window. She then tilted her head back and allowed the sunlight to wash over her face, bathing her in warmth and light.

It had been a few days since she had met Andrea and Michonne; a few days since she had been confronted by Philip about her brothers again. A few days since the nightmares had returned because of Philip's insistent pushing. They were the same one: over and over and over again. It kept her locked in her room most of the mornings; kept her up most nights.

Philip had hoped she would sing a different tune that day, but it had been the same since the night her brothers had vanished out of thin air. He had been right though. She was no soldier. But Kenneth had been right too. She was a Luan and Luan's were fighters by nature. Especially after they were taught to fight, to survive in this world they now called home. She also did know a few of their tricks. After all, how could she not? Since that fateful night at Duke they hadn't left her side and she hadn't left theirs.

Gracelyn wiggled her nose, feeling a tickle. She sighed heavily. Merle had never returned to her room to sleep on the floor. So, she had been sleeping in the armchair in Milton's lab at night only to magically wake up in her bed the next morning. She had yet to question why she was moved and who had done it. She couldn't imagine Milton being the one to carry her all that way and up her flight of stairs. He had only just become accustomed to her being in the lab so much again. He would have to willingly touch her to carry her. The only other option was Merle, but Gracelyn had yet to see him since he had come back into town. She heard his name, his voice, but never the white's of his eyes. So, why would he bother to carry her home only to disappear from sight?

Either way, it didn't matter. Gracelyn had once learned to fight her demons alone in the dead of night and she could do it again. She would put on a face, appearing as though she was returning back to normal. No more walking around with a rifle around her neck. No more numb, hard expression on her face. No more 'Lyn', who had been molded by Kenneth. No more 'Gracie'; the giggling, oblivious, naïve girl that had found refuge with her eldest brother Liam.

Just Gracelyn: the real Gracelyn. It was the girl her brother had thought to have died that night with Elijah. They believed she had to in order to survive. Gracelyn was the girl who had found love and had lost it in something so horrific that she couldn't allow herself to fall in love again: not in this world. It would only be as tragic as the last and hurt twice as much.

Gracelyn had been avoiding Philip like the plague, but not because he scared her. She knew that she and Philip were a ticking time bomb. They were like two magnets with the same charge being pushed together. The closer they were forced together the greater the resistance. If she wanted to stay, and she truly did, then she needed to keep herself in check when Philip was close by.

However, Philip's words that had once struck Gracie and Lyn with fear and doubt of herself now just pissed Gracelyn off. Telling her she wasn't as strong as her brothers; that she couldn't fight like her brothers; that she couldn't survive in their world… Well, that was utterly unacceptable. She was every bit as good as them. She had been through just as much as them. She wasn't the fragile, feeble-minded little sister that needed her big, strong older brothers to rescue her whenever something went wrong. She could take care of herself now. She could fight and shoot and she could survive all on her own in their world. She was every bit as good as her brothers; every bit as capable. That world Philip claimed belonging to Liam and Kenneth exclusively, well… while she may not belong in it, that world belonged to her. She had long since been a part of it before everything went to Hell and she would be damned if she would let some pig-headed, arrogant ass tell her otherwise.

Philip didn't know the chain of reactions he had started. The more you told Gracelyn she's not good enough, that she can't do something, that she's doesn't know the horror in the world: the madder she got. The madder she got, the more determined to prove otherwise she became. The more determined she became, the more distant she would grow to be. The more distant she grew to be… you should really be concerned; very concerned.

For you see, Gracelyn Luan is a very sociable creature and her backing off is not a sign of victory. It is a sign that you should have just walked away. It is a sign that you were now lost in uncharted waters and here, there be dragons; dragons that breathed fire and ate whomever challenged them alive.

By this time in the chain reaction, Gracelyn was formulating a plan. When she suddenly appears and decides to cooperate with every demand without question: game over. By that point, it is too late to decide that you should really let that particular sleeping dragon lie. That dragon is wide awake and it is seeing all shades of red. Liam and Kenneth had seen it many times and Philip was on the verge of seeing it. Gracelyn was merely buying time now. She needed to be clever, as Philip had once put it, about what she was planning; scheming. Everything needed to be perfect.

Gracelyn sat there a moment more on the ground and then pulled herself to her feet. If she didn't move now, she would be lost to sleep again. She walked into the bathroom and closed the door. She looked at herself in the mirror and blinked, trying to see through the smudges of make-up. She scowled at herself, plucked out a tissue from the box on the back of the toilet and tried to remedy the situation. When she was finished, she headed to the shower and turned on the water.

It was a wonder she had still yet to become accustomed to; warm, running water. It was a small miracle that touched her in a big way. It had all been mud and lakes and streams before Woodbury; sleeping on the cold, hard ground; worrying morning, noon and night whether or not today would be hers and her brothers' last.

She hated Philip, but he was right. She wanted Woodbury; the dream.

"All my life you know I haven't been very love strong. There's been so many fights that I fought and I never won. So I decided that I should just give up in trying to right your wrong. And word on the street is she did to you what you did to me." She sang as she massaged the cherry blossom shampoo into her hair. She used it as a gel almost and styled her hair in funny ways. "5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Bang! Bang! Bang, Boy! Your goin' down, down, down, Boy. To the ground where you left my heart to bleed. Bang, she shot you. Karma tastes so sweet."

She froze beneath the running water. She hadn't thought carefully about what she was singing. She had meant it to be Philip shot dead, but she only saw Elijah's face. She only saw the gun in Liam's hand raised and pointed at her love's head. She only heard the shot.

Gracelyn suddenly fell to the floor of the shower on her knees and let out a loud sob. She gripped the wall, trying to find support. She cried and cried until the water ran cold and then cried some more. All the pain, all the sorrow coursed through her like a drug gone wrong.

When she finally turned off the water and stepped out, she had no more tears to shed. She pulled a towel around her and began to dry her hair with a hand towel. She walked out of the bathroom and dressed in a spaghetti strapped sundress colored white, blue and brown with flowers and vines designed into it. She pulled on her sandals and then clipped her hair back at each side, allowing the rest and her bangs to dangle freely. She tugged on her lashes with the mascara that she could tell was nearly empty and then lined her eyes with a new pencil Jolene had found for her.

She looked herself over in the mirror, smoothing the dress with her hands like an iron. The taffeta beneath made the dress look puffy from beneath the breasts down. Gracelyn rolled her eyes at the way she looked; like some girl from the fifties. She could hear what Meghan would have said had she been standing there with her.

"Those greasers won't know what hit 'em when they get a look at you, Peggy-Sue. They'll surely wish they were born a soc when they see you jive."

Gracelyn tried to smile, but she just couldn't seem to do it. She struggled and forced it out of her with all her strength and then walked out of her room. She headed down the stairs and out into the festivities, unaware of what awaited her.

She had never seen anything like it before in town. People were smiling- no, they were grinning - and laughing. Kids were playing, chasing each other, blowing bubbles into the air, and kicking soccer balls around. Somewhere a dog barked. Gracelyn wondered briefly if she were still asleep.

"Amazin' ain't it Barbie?" Merle walked up beside Gracelyn and stood at her side, looking around at the people who appeared out of place in the current world.

"You could say that." She replied, unable to tear her gaze away from the sight. "So, you're talking to me now?"

"Whatchu talkin' 'bout?" He looked down at her. She refused to look back at him now. She was a little hurt by him. She knew it was foolish, childish and a whole mess of other words ending in '-ish', but she still felt them.

"When I first got back into town it was late. So, I went ta yer room, but yous wasn't there. Found ya in Mildred's lab." He explained and looked around at everyone that passed them by. "Despite his grippin', I carried ya home. Put ya ta bed."

"Ah-ha. So, it was you." She remarked simply.

"Yeah, it was me."

"Why?"

"This is what I get fer bein' nice? Hell, remind me neva ta do it again."

"I was just curious. Don't get your panties in a twist Marlene." Gracelyn joked and shook her head, looking away from him. "Thank you. I appreciate it. Actually, I appreciate everything you've been doing for me, Merle. Really, I don't know how I would have survived here without you and Milton."

Gracelyn crossed her arms over her chest, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious about her words. She glanced at him, noticed him turning his head to look at her, and looked back at the festivities.

"It wasn't right what yer brothers did." Merle declared softly, voice steady. Gracelyn stared down at the ground beneath her feet like a child who had been caught dipping into the cookie jar before dinner.

"I know... I can't ever apologize enough to Christy about Lukas. And poor Harold… he was real sweet to me." Gracelyn sighed a heavy, downtrodden sigh as she tried to make sense of it all.

"Yeah, that was all horrible, but it wasn't what I was talkin' 'bout." Merle clarified and looked down at her. "I meant what they did to you. Just leavin' you here by yourself and takin' off without even a goodbye."

Merle shook his head and looked away.

"Fuckin' selfish cowards." He scoffed. Gracelyn said nothing because she felt a similar way. She understood that if it had been them, that they had done it all for her. They had left her there because it was the best thing for her. They hadn't told her they were leaving because she would only follow.

"If I had known what they were planning on doing…" She started and then fell short. She shook her head and stared down at the ground.

"Would you have stopped 'em?" Merle didn't look at her. He couldn't. This conversation was hitting too close to home for him. Gracelyn licked her lips and gnawed on the bottom one.

"I'd like to think so." She replied and looked up at him. "But I don't think I could. They're my older brothers. I've always look up to them. I always will."

Merle nodded his head and the two fell into silence. They both watched the people walking around and enjoying themselves.

"So, what's going on today anyway?" Gracelyn finally asked, unable to live with the unknowing any longer.

"Oh, nuttin much. Just some first rate, hippie, feel good bullshit."

"Wow, Merle." Gracelyn, without warning, let out a loud heartfelt laugh. "Tell me what you really feel why don't you?"

"You think this is groovy wait till tonight. That's when the real party goes down." Merle explained and crossed his arms over his chest the best he could. Gracelyn glimpsed at him for a second, arching an eyebrow. He ignored her look and nodded his head towards a table where drinks were being given out. "Till then, I'd stay away from that punch if I were you. Unless you've been plannin' on checkin' out early."

Gracelyn laughed, understanding his reference, and looked back out at the people. Merle smirked and gave her a small nudge, nodding his head to the right. Gracelyn followed beside him on the sidewalk, looking around at everything that was going on.

It was amazing. It felt like nothing had changed. This place was the one place on earth left untouched by all the darkness outside the walls.

Gracelyn watched as a soccer ball ran in front of them. Merle jogged after it a few paces and stopped it with a foot. He looked to the owner, a little girl who waited with a smile, and kicked it to her gently. She chased after it and Merle walked back to Gracelyn's side, smile on his lips and a laugh in his eye.

"Didn't know the great Merle Dixon had a soft spot for kids." Gracelyn commented with a playful smile as she looked up at him, squinting against the sun. It was easy with Merle. He was rude and vulgar sometimes, but he was genuine about what he said and what he did; no holding back. Gracelyn needed that right now. "Or for taking sleeping women to bed."

Gracelyn halted, looked up at nothing in the sky as her words sunk in.

"No pun intended." She finally announced, realizing where Merle's mind would take the conversation. He laughed and shook his head, squinting against the sun in his eyes.

"There's a lot a things you don't know 'bout me, Barbie." Merle replied, something in his eyes betrayed the smirk he sent her way.

"I believe it." She smiled gently and walked beside him again. "You're so secretive. How come you don't talk about yourself?"

They paused. Gracelyn looked up at him as he stared down at her.

"You know, before all of this?" She encouraged, but he looked away and observed the festivities.

"What's there ta talk 'bout?" He clicked his tongue, refusing to look at her. Gracelyn licked her lips and watched him carefully. He was a master at hiding his true feelings.

"Who were you before all of this?" She asked simply and waited. Merle's expression never changed. It was blank as his eyes scanned over the people walking and talking around them. "Fine. I'll start guessing. Um… mechanic?"

Nothing.

"Okay, how about… truck driver?"

Again nothing.

"Farmer?"

"Farm'a? You serious?" He scorned and looked down at her. She raised her hands and shrugged. "Could you see me drivin' a tract'a and harvestin' crops?"

"Yeah actually I can." She commented with a serious face. Merle scoffed and shook his head, turning away. "Well, you're not helping. Don't I get a hint? Can I phone a friend?"

"You can phone all the friends you want. I doubt any of them are gonna be answerin'." Merle gave a small laugh and looked back out at the people as though he were guarding them from some unknown horror about to happen. Gracelyn took a good, long stare at him and knitted her eyebrows together in thought.

"Military?" She asked finally, but he shook his head and spit from the corner of his mouth. "Okay, that was gross… What about a cop?"

"Hell no."

"Ah, a criminal then." She earned a look from him. Her eyes darted between his, noticing the hardened expression. He had hid it well, but it was there and Gracelyn could interpret it fluently. "… a convicted criminal."

"You thirsty, Barbie?" He asked unexpectedly and finally looked away from her. Gracelyn realized she had put her foot in her mouth and nodded her head quietly. Merle walked away towards a table that was set up a few feet away beneath a canvas canopy. On it sat several glasses filled with liquids of different colors. Gracelyn looked away, trusting Merle to choose something non-alcoholic for her, and watched everyone in the streets.

Her eyes landed on Milton, who stood before another table set up with drink and her lips tugged into a bright smile. She went to wave to him, had a hand slightly raised and everything, but stopped when she saw Milton walk away from the table with two drinks. He headed straight for another blonde; Andrea. He handed her the drink and they began to talk, his lips curling into a smile.

"Well, well, well," Merle walked up beside Gracelyn with two cups in his one good hand. He held the drinks out, neither of them looking at the drinks, and she took it with nimble fingers. "Never would have thought Mildred had the nerve."

"Yeah, me neither." A stone settled in the pit of Gracelyn's stomach, weighing her down. Her heart felt heavy even. She transferred her drink to her other hand and then took Merle's.

"Hey, hey, hey, that's straight bourbon there, Barbie. Careful." Merle warned quickly, watching her as she raised the glass to her lips, but it was too late. Gracelyn had down the full cup in one… two… three gulps. She smacked her lips, eyes never leaving Milton and Andrea; Andrea who was laughing at something Milton had said. Her teeth ground against each other slowly.

Merle looked down at Gracelyn and then his eyes glanced at Milton. Andrea pushed her hair from her neck and placed her glass to her skin to cool herself off. Merle inwardly scowled and then looked back at Gracelyn again, who was crushing the red solo cup to dust. Realization hit him, making him groan in aggrievance.

"How's 'bout I get you another?" He offered and walked away towards the table again. He didn't need her reply. He knew she needed it and he needed one himself. The whole festival scene was making him sick.

Milton said something to Andrea and then began to walk away. He smiled to people as he passed, drink hardly drunk in his hand. He liked parties… sort of. He always felt so out of place at them. He was the one who stood by the food, watching everyone else having a good time while he nibbled on hors d'œuvres.

His eyes searched for someone he knew he could enjoy the party with; the one person who seemed to 'get' him. His eyes fell on Gracelyn. She stood by herself, looking around as people walked by her. She gently raised a hand and brushed her bangs out of her eyes as a breeze blew by. She looked as uncomfortable as he felt, as out of place as he was.

Milton smiled, finished his drink and then headed straight for her. Several children ran in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. He smiled at them as they ran after the golden retriever. He watched them disappear into the sea of people and began towards Gracelyn. He stopped suddenly as Merle walked up beside her.

She turned to him and took the drink he held out for her. She smiled gently, almost sorrowfully as she said something to him. Her eyes met his reluctantly and then looked away again, shaking her head as she said something more. Merle listened quietly and nodded his head very slowly as though understanding completely what she was saying; whatever it was. He then wrapped his arm around her shoulders and then led her away, whispering something in her ear.

"I've been having nightmares." Gracelyn had said as Merle handed her a drink. She smiled gently, but sorrowfully. "Of everything that happened before all of this, at the very beginning when the world didn't know it was burning yet."

She looked to Merle for a brief moment and then looked away, shaking her head.

"I had to watch my brothers kill my best friend and then see Elijah, my fiancé…" She halted. She couldn't finish it. She couldn't admit it. Merle wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gave her a small squeeze.

"I know, Barbie. You talk about him a lot in yer sleep." Merle breathed in Gracelyn's ear as he led her towards Martinez, Bowman and Jacobsen. "I'm sure he understands. Don't punish yerself for somethin' you have no control ov'a."

Gracelyn only listened to him as he tried to comfort her. She was glad when his attention was stolen by Bowman.

She stayed there with the men for a while, looking over her shoulders now and then to watch everyone walking around socializing with one another. It had been an hour since she had seen Milton and she had searched, inconspicuously, everywhere for him.

All of a sudden, everyone started making their way towards the courthouse. Gracelyn followed them with her eyes as they passed by her and the small group of men she was with.

"What's going on?" She asked and looked to Merle, who was also watching as everyone stood in the yard of the courthouse.

"Prob'ly the Gov'na wants ta make a speech. More feel good bullshit or somethin'." He replied and took a sip of his drink, smacking his lips when he pulled it away. "We should prob'ly go see."

Gracelyn nodded her head and followed beside him towards the courthouse. She kept to the back with Merle, rising to the balls of her feet to try and see passed Bowman and Jacobsen. Philip stood on the porch of the courthouse, slightly elevated above 'his people', and staring down at them.

"The first time we gathered there were nine of us hold up an apartment livin' off spam an saltine crackers. Well, look at us now." Philip's lips curled into a bright smile. He placed a hand on his left hip and looked down at them all. "We built a place we can call home."

Somehow, Gracelyn felt like that was a jab at her; another prodding from the great 'Governor' of Woodbury.

"It may be held together with duck tap and string, but it works. It's ours. I'll take it. So today, we celebrate how far we've come. We remember those we've lost. We raise a glass," He raised the yellow glass in his hand up and waits for everyone else to follow. Gracelyn refused and only stared at him with a hard eye. "To us!"

Everyone cheered and clapped and drank. Gracelyn only looked around at them and shook her head silently. She walked away from the excitement and headed up the road towards the park. She walked past the see-saw and the sandbox with her eyes cast down firmly at the ground beneath her feet. She went to the swings and passed through them towards the alley. She crossed her arms over her chest and walked behind the buildings, sneaking into her favorite spot.

She laced her fingers through the chain-links and leaned her forehead against the cool metal. She stared out at the frozen nightmare. She let herself lean back, allowing her arms to stretch and shoulders to pop. She closed her eyes and turned her face towards the sky and the sunlight. She smiled softly and then felt the tears begin.

She pulled herself back up and leaned her head against the fence again. She sniffled as a tear escaped down her cheek. Her hands gripped the chain-links firmer, knuckles turning white. She gritted her teeth and slowly fell to her knees as the grief washed over her. Her hands fell from the fence and wrapped around her as she tried to let go of all the pain, the sorrow. She was able to push it down like all the other times. She had to. She needed to hold on a little longer; keep herself together a little while longer.

Gracelyn opened her eyes and stared down at the dirt beneath her. She took a deep breath and sighed, feeling the tension in her chest slowly beginning to dissipate. She took another and then forced herself to stand up. She looked down at her dress and began to try to wipe the dirt away.

She didn't know why she did it. She had never done it before.

She looked towards the brick wall and attached to the building and enclosed her little area. Something small, something blue sat on the ground on the other side of the fence. She slowly approached the object and found that it was an envelope wedged between the wall and the fence.

She instinctively looked around the immediate area as though she would see a messenger. She didn't.

She bent down and plucked it from its place. She stood back up and looked it over, half expecting to find a name or something to identify it. She turned it over and opened it to find paper, folded neatly to fit inside. She removed it, holding the envelope behind the letter. She pulled one flap of the letter up and then the other down. Her eyes drifted from left to write. Slowly at first and then they picked up speed.

They suddenly went wide.

Gracelyn quickly closed the letter and shoved it back into the envelope. Her eyes darted left and right, trying to find the source of the mysterious post. She folded the envelope and thrust it between her breasts, securing it where no one would see it.

No one could see it. No one could read it. No one could know it existed at all. At least… not yet. There was a time and a place and it wasn't now and it wasn't here.

Gracelyn fixed the front of her dress and then headed towards the entrance to the area. She stopped before the alley and looked out at the frozen nightmare of the suburban street. Her eyes searched again for some kind of sign, some kind of anything. All she could see was destruction, desolation and biters.

Gracelyn took a step forward and then another as her eyes became filled with determination and her lips slowly curled into a knowing smile.