A/N-Okay...I'm sorry to the readers that I left hanging for like, forever. I had too much shit explode in my face that developed into a shitball of Fuck-Up-My-Life. Anywho, I've cleaned that up and I got this chapter out to FINALLY finish this long story. I'm actually glad with the way it ended and I just want to tell you guys/gals, thanks for making me feel like a champ with all of your reviews. Without you reviewers I would have been writing about Sara's obsession with peanut butter by now. wanted to tell the reviewers/readers who have stuck out with me when it came to this story, thanks. This chapter is for you.
This is a long chapter so snuggle up to your PC/MacBook/iPhone/iTouch/Droid/Other Mobile Device and prepare your eyes for reading. Had to give Sara and Cath a proper send off. Have fun reading and you don't have to review readers because this is finished! Woo-hoo!
Suicide was never an option Catherine had ever even considered in her life. She had done some impressively bad decisions in her youth but never had suicide ever crossed her mind, until now. It was always hard for her to understand how could a person decide to end their life completely even after seeing it in a personal and professional capacity for several years but after all that had happened over the past couple of hours she could get the attraction. All of the shit that had happened, all of the shit that could never be redone or reestablished could be swiped clean with just one slit of the wrist, one jump with a noose around her neck, or drinking one to many. It was mystifying to think that life was an always a constant struggle while death was what? A simple act compared to living. Was this part of the complexity of life? It just didn't seem right to make a decision between playing a never-ending Texas Hold 'Em game against Lady Luck or deciding not to play altogether. What would you choose, Catherine couldn't help thinking to her Catholic guilt. But the question kept mutating in her head to, why would you want to live on this earth around everything that's crumbling around you.
-Several hours earlier-
Before leaving the hospital, Catherine checked in on Vartann and could see he was having a hard time breathing on his own. She had hardly listened to anything the doctors tried to tell her about his condition because all she could think about was Sara's face staring back at her from the other side of the window. Was she sympathetic or empathetic? With Sara you never knew until it was either too late or she told you herself. That was what scared Catherine so much, though. Not that Sara had the nerve to even look at Vartann after shooting him in the back but that she was even thinking about Sara at all. Her ex-boyfriend was shot and all she could think about was Sara. Why would she do that? What made her think shooting someone was a good idea? She was so lost in her thoughts that she hardly noticed when Sofia Curtis walked into the room and proceed to stare at her like she was the lost eighth wonder of the world.
Sighing, Catherine realized that her silence was hardly deterring Sofia's own self-imposed silence and she turned around annoyed, "If you're looking for an invitation, Sofia, you'll be waiting for a long fucking while. Sit down or get out. I'm not in the mood to listen to you practice the lost art of existing."
Sofia coughed before speaking dryly, "Catherine. I'm sorry for what happened to you, really I am. But I'm not going to feel pity for anyone but Vartann. He's the one that deserves a pity party, Catherine."
Catherine rolled her eyes in annoyance for the second time that night. Or should she have said morning? It was impossible to know what the time was anymore. People who had things to look forward to in life, which was something that she was severely lacking in, used time.
Sofia was wrong about one thing though, Catherine hardly found herself wanting a pity party. She wanted to see Sara. She wanted Sara's infuriating calmness. She wanted Sara to tell her everything would work out with that stupid naïveté that Sara had developed since coming back from Paris. Even in the short amount of time they had discovered each other's feelings for the other Catherine became addicted to Sara and found herself wanting more. Catherine couldn't help wondering if maybe she was a sadist because Sara, ever since the day she had met her, was a constant source of pain in her life. No, Catherine could hardly call Sara a pain in her life because that made it seem like Sara was the only one at fault. They were always constantly pushing and shoving each other back and forth on professional and personal matters.
When Catherine was kidnapped by the man who she was led to believe had his mistress kept hostage and would only release her for a ransom nine years ago, Catherine pushed Sara to figure out her left behind clues by dropping the finger right in front of her face while she was on a date with Hank The Skank. That was hardly the first time they pushed and shoved each other either nor would it be the last. She had always just assumed that was the way they worked together but if Catherine had just read between the lines a little bit, Catherine would have seen that Sara wanted her. All of this wouldn't have happened if she had only been more observant. God, she was a fucking CSI! How could she miss something so blatantly obvious-
"You done beating yourself up in thought, Catherine? As much as I love watching you beat yourself up," Sofia looked down at Vartann's prostrate form and frowned. "I'd rather know how the hell this happened to Vartann."
"I guess I can call one of the doctors in to explain," Sofia grabs Catherine's arm and jerks her forcefully to her face before Catherine can even move to get a doctor.
"What the hell, Sofia?"
"I don't care about the Gray's Anatomy, Catherine. I want to know how this happened. Stop pussyfooting around the issue and tell me. I expect that much since I am his wife, Catherine."
Catherine opens her mouth in shock before nearly shouting back at Sofia, "His wife, Sofia? He gave me the ring he was going to give you. Last time I checked in order to be considered 'married' you had to have, you know, received the ring and signed actual papers with actual ink. Did that happen while Vartann was passed out because he can't breathe on his own you know. It's physically impossible for him to write anything."
She didn't know why she was being so harsh to Sofia or why it felt so good to be fighting with someone again. Maybe she was looking for a Sara substitute to occupy her time or maybe it was something else entirely but no matter what the reason, Catherine quickly learned that Sofia was hardly a Sara substitute. When Sara got mad at Catherine they would fight like British Parliament members, publicly and vigorously but with no real harm intended for both sides. Sofia on the other hand was like an alley cat with a bad case of rabies. She would come out scratching and clawing from round one and did intend to harm you in any way possible.
Catherine should have remembered this from her and Sofia few arguments in the past but because of her lack in judgment Catherine got a backhand to the side of her face. While staring at the hodgepodge colors of the hospital floor and listening to the whirs of the machine keeping Vartann alive, Catherine felt herself smiling. Why the hell was she smiling? Sofia Curtis just backhanded her after all, and getting backhanded was hardly fun no matter who was doing it. Despite knowing this, Catherine stood up, walked calmly to the two-way mirror in front of Vartann's bed, and cleaned herself up with some of the medical supplies placed around the room. All the while, she was smiling like an idiot and Sofia was clearly becoming more heated after watching Catherine's lack of response.
"Sara shot him, Sofia. Sara nearly killed your 'husband'," Catherine laughed heartily. "Why the hell are you so violent, Sofi? Maybe that's why you were banished to Boulder City like a bastard prince in banished to his country castle? Because you have an anger problem? Wouldn't surprise me one bit. You've always seemed like a closet bully, Sofia. You're all icy on the surface but you probably get into all kinds of kinky shit when the doors are closed. Like double penetration…I'd bet Vartann would like seeing that."
Sofia frowned and shook her head, "Catherine…you need to talk to someone. Talk to someone and not verbally assault them. Go home. You're not helping Vartann by attacking me and you don't even realize it do you? Do you feel better after saying that? No. No, you don't and if you say yes than you honestly need a lot more than talking to someone to help you out. Just…go home, Catherine."
"I deserve to be here just as much as you do, Sofia!"
"And I'm not saying you do or don't, Catherine! Don't you dare fill my mouth with words I never said. All I'm saying is that if you're going to stand here and get up in my face then all I'm going to do is waste energy fighting with you which is exactly what you want. You want to get a turn on from me arguing with you while I lose my energy bickering. Is that how you and Sara get anything accomplished? By yelling at each other like politicians," Sofia smirked before continuing. "I'm glad I'm not Sara's mistress."
Catherine clenched her fists and couldn't believe Sofia had figured her out in practically no time. Damn it, she even got the fucking simile right too. Catherine didn't care what the fuck Sofia could figure out about her but she knew she had to get out of there before her Sofia got in another grade A fight again. It was next to impossible to talk to Sofia about anything but she was hardly making it easy on her.
Sighing, Catherine looked over at Vartann and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Even after all they had been through, Vartann deserved that much no matter who he was "married" to. Catherine knew with all of her heart that her and Vartann were over but no matter what she regretted happening these past few days with Sara, she would never regret letting Vartann go. She hated Sofia's attitude but could tell she would treat him better than she ever could.
-Current time-
"God damn the fucking shit pussy who forgot to get more wine for me to drink…shit, I just cursed myself," Catherine began to giggle before hiccupping slightly which caused her to unceremoniously bang her head against the refrigerator.
Her suicidal mood had hardly changed with the nap she forced herself to take after getting home and realizing she felt like she wanted to kill herself. The key word there was, felt. Catherine always knew she would never actually do it, even after ingesting the bottle of wine but the fact that she had even…considered it made her disturbed. If there was one thing she always told Lindsey it was that suicide was a fool's errand that wouldn't solve anything. Catherine had learned that the hard way when watching many of her friends from her days working the pole for money that suicide was the easy option that did nothing but create more problems for everyone involved. The family and friends left behind wondering how and why and what if. Catherine had been in that situation too many times to know that was what hurt the most in a suicide. Not the actual death but the questions left behind that just sit in the air like cigarette smoke in a Nevada brothel. Catherine couldn't imagine leaving Lindsey behind asking those questions no matter how utterly fucked up her life was at the moment.
However, that didn't change that Catherine felt miserable. She had lost everything in one shot. Vartann, Sara, even That Ice Prick in My Ass aka Sofia Curtis pretty much banished her from her existence. Who did she have to turn to? Catherine could already feel herself starting to go crazy. The first step was drinking, the second step was talking to herself, and the third step was…well, she didn't know because she wasn't there yet but either way, this couldn't be healthy.
A knock at the door took Catherine out of her thoughts and she slowly trudged to the door, hoping whoever it was would quickly get the message that she did not want to be disturbed after seeing her haggard appearance. Breathing in deeply, Catherine braced herself by not taking the chain off the door and groaning loudly, "Name now."
The silence told Catherine who it was before the intruder even had a chance to speak. Only one person wouldn't quaver at the force that drunk, depressed, Catherine Willows presented.
"Catherine…I know you probably don't want to see me after what I did to Lou but…please don't shut me out. I deserve everything you probably want to do to me right now but…I don't have time to go to Catherine-Hates-You Parade. Just let me say what I need to say and I'll be gone for good. God, Catherine, could you at least give me that much?"
No. No. No, she couldn't be here. This wasn't right. Her body was practically yearning for that voice but still…that doesn't make what she did right. She fucked up my life and she's just going to waltz in here like I need her? Who the hell does she think she is?
"Umm, Catherine? We can talk out here if you don't want to go out inside but you're going to have to stop talking to yourself. It's a little weird," A light chuckle comes from the intruder's mouth. "Grissom once said that you aren't really crazy unless you start answering yourself so…I guess you're still in the sane category but Catherine…just barely. Just barely."
Despite finding herself annoyed at her impervious tone, Catherine couldn't help laughing at the truth of it. She couldn't believe she had said that out loud but was hardly surprised because of the amount of liquor coursing through her veins.
With a shaky sigh, Catherine sighed to herself, "Sara…if I let you in here I don't want you to do anything but take me. I need you, Sara. I need you to make feel something other than drinking my sorrows away or worse. Just…please, I beg of you. If I let you in please fuck me."
Through the small crack of the door, Catherine can see Sara's jaw tighten and her fists clench. Catherine knew that Sara wanted this as badly as she did but she could feel Sara's apprehension. Why the hell was she apprehending now Catherine had no idea. It wasn't like they were about to "make love for the first time" like they say in romance novels. Catherine was hardly looking for love from Sara. That would be idiotic and she would be bound to get her heartbroken and if there was one thing Catherine couldn't stand was knowingly getting her heartbroken. No, Catherine was looking for the ye ol' fashioned fuck. Her sexuality was Catherine's default, her go to.
"I don't want to just fuck you, Catherine. You deserve more than that but I don't have time to love you properly. Could you forgive me?"
"Forgive you? Sara, I'm asking you to fuck me. Be rough with me. Not that many men or women have this opportunity in their lives, Sara. You should take it before I change my mind and decide to finish business myself," Catherine moves her hand down to her sweatpants and begins to rub the outside of her thighs. She didn't want Sara creaming her panties on her front porch but she did want her to feel uncomfortable. She couldn't help but hope it would force Sara's hand and make her forget about her idiotic morals for just one moment of fun.
"Catherine. Open this goddamn door so I can give you the fucking you're so asking for. Unless you want me to try getting you off with just this little crack to work with? I've never done that before but hey what the hell? Gotta try everything once, right?"
This was it. This was what caused Catherine to smile at the hospital when Sofia hit her. The bantering that her and Sara shared. Only Sara could banter with her like this and still have her looking for more. But this wasn't right, Catherine couldn't help wondering even while in the process of fumbling open the last barrier between her and Sara. She couldn't help but feel like she was perpetuating an endless cycle of events by letting Sara come in and have her way with her. It wasn't that Catherine didn't want it, that was hardly the problem after she heard herself moan when Sara slammed the door shut and pushed her up against it. If this had been anyone else, Catherine would have been shocked at her behavior but because it was Sara everything became excusable. When was the last time Catherine had let anyone take her like this? Never, but with Sara the unexpected became the expected and that was what turned her on and turned her off when it came to what they have together. It wasn't fair for any attraction to make her feel this way, almost like she was playing Russian roulette and she knew that the gun was loaded beforehand. Catherine couldn't just let this thing between them go on. She had to stop it now before she let one door opened out of weakness turn into two or more opportunities for Sara to come in and fuck her life up some more.
That was easier said than done after feeling Sara's hands find their way inside her pants. "Sara…please, stop. We need to talk."
Catherine began to steel herself for the fight that it would take to make Sara stop her current task of getting her to orgasm but oddly enough, Sara just sighed and took her hands from Catherine's wet and warm cavern. Despite wanting to talk, Catherine had no idea how to start the conversation. Everything in her head just sounded lame or contrived given what Sara and she had been through together. Walking toward her kitchen, Catherine was still running a blank on what to say when Sara spoke first.
"I never meant to hurt him, Catherine," Sara says while washing her hands. "I was just so…jealous of him. Jealous of what he represented. It wasn't fair that he could be with you and not have the baggage that I have. And…it wasn't fair that he loves you. I have been waiting since forever to just show you that I could be…that we could be…hell, I don't know, Sara. I just couldn't let him have you when I couldn't even tell you properly yet about how I feel. It just wasn't fair. Do you understand what I'm saying, Catherine?"
"Yes…but that's the problem, Sara. Don't you see? No normal sane person would have decided to shoot someone over love, if that's what you want to call it, Sara. I don't love you, Sara. You don't love me. The quicker we understand that, the better we'll be in the end."
"How can you say that, Catherine? How can you be so cold after everything I've done for you?"
Catherine sighs heavily before speaking, "You haven't done anything for me, Sara. If anything, all of your choices over the past couple of days have been against me. Why else would you come into my life and turn everything all topsy-turvy? I liked my life before you came in it. I liked being the supervisor with the predicable boyfriend and the college bound daughter but for some reason you thought I wanted what? A white knight with problems of her own to save me from my own meaningless existence?"
"So, does this tirade include when you drunkenly took me to bed that one night all those years ago? Or are you just including everything that happened since we went to that case at the Excalibur?"
"Sara," Catherine leaned back onto the kitchen counter. "Every time I'm with you in anything that doesn't include a professional manner we end up fucking each other. And don't look at me like that, Sara. You know as much as I do that everything we've done consists of trying to find the quickest release as possible to get away from each other as soon as possible. If you consider that love-making than we have a problem with your definition of love, Ms. Sidle."
"There is nothing wrong with my definition of love, Catherine. I…need you to be in my life. That's why I came back to Las Vegas. I was going stir-crazy in Paris, practically living on my own half the time. I even went as far as finding," Sara laughs loudly to herself before speaking again. "Finding fucking substitutes for you. Can you believe I even brought home a woman that looked exactly like you one time and Grissom just smiled and said, 'I hope you're having fun.'"
"Sara…you're obsessed. I can't, no, I will never be able to fulfill your fantasy for you. There's no way. This is the real world where you and I have responsibilities and people that depend on us. I can't just run away from that and neither can you," Catherine walks forward to stand next to Sara who is still washing her hands that have turned red from the scrubbing. "We could have been and that's it. I'm sure you have a lot of men and women you've left behind that could have been something to you but aren't. What makes me so different that you're willing to risk a marriage for?"
"My father, Catherine," Sara finally stops washing her hands and grabs a wash cloth from a hook before turning away from Catherine's confused eyes.
"Your father," Catherine sighs. "Please tell me you're not going to blame everything on your daddy issues. God, Freud would probably turn in his grave if he knew the world had descended into everyone blaming everyone's father or mother for various problems."
"My father nearly tried to kill everyone that was important in my life, Catherine. He even tried taking my life at one point before my mother finally took the initiative to kill him first. The horrible things that he did to me…caused me to misunderstand men. I couldn't ever pick the right one; my longest relationship with a man before Grissom was six months. And the guy was a pilot so I hardly ever saw him after our first month of dating. My father screwed everything up with me, Catherine."
"Wow, are you really using your father as an excuse to how fucked up your life is? You've seen my sorry excuse for a father and you don't see me blaming him," Catherine raises her hand to lightly touch Sara's should but decides against it at the last moment. "You can't use your father as an excuse, Sara. Trust me, I've been there and it doesn't make anything hurt any less. When I was a stripper I couldn't help thinking, 'If my mother had gotten pregnant by anyone else my life would have been better' but you know what, Sara? My life is hardly any better with or without Sam Braun in it."
Sara looks up incredulously, "So you want me to just move on from everything that my father did to me like it's no big deal? Well, I can't do that, Catherine. I just can't."
"You still haven't told me why, Sara. Why are you fixated on me, huh?"
Sara runs her hands through her head before frowning at Catherine, "You'll think it's stupid."
"Not as stupid as anything else we've done together in the past couple of days. Come on, Sara. Tell me," Catherine puts on her puppy-dog face and Sara smiles.
"Okay, okay, no need to get the big guns out, Cat. You know that your puppy-dog face is my kryptonite. When I was in my court ordered therapy sessions at the orphanage, I met this woman. She was…everything that my father wasn't and everything that my mother couldn't be. She was the first person in my life to encourage me to shoot for the stars with my life and not to let my past affect my future. But she never made me feel like she was keeping after me like some of the other advisors did. She let me make my own decisions for once in my life."
"Let me guess, this woman looked exactly like me," Catherine said with a roll of her eyes.
"Hardly," Sara smiled and Catherine couldn't help but smile back. "She was an African-American from France. I just felt so comfortable with her and when Grissom asked me to work in Las Vegas all of those years ago and I met you…it was like emotional déjà vu. You have to know how weird it was to feel those feelings that I had put away for so long coming back to the surface. I felt like I could tell you anything but my brain kept telling me that you weren't her. That you could never be that woman that I trusted so long ago and that's why I became interested in Grissom. I just thought maybe if I tried to be with someone like me that it would make it easier to move on from what you represented."
All of a sudden Catherine felt a strong urge to separate herself from Sara and couldn't stop herself from walking away from her side to return to the other side of the kitchen. "Grissom was right after all wasn't he? About this just being an obsession that you had to get out of your system. I was just a surrogate fuck buddy for a woman that was your idol when you were younger. Or am I wrong, Sara? Is it something else?"
"No. I don't know. But don't cheapen what we had together, Catherine. Please don't do that."
"Cheapen what we had together? Sara, we had nothing together but a couple of nights of passion that hardly make up for the shit I went through to get those nights. I can't believe you didn't even love me. I can't believe I didn't just drop your ass as soon as Grissom said what he did but no…I couldn't because I was trapped in your web of deceit. Was this all a game for you, Sara? Was it?"
"Catherine, I did try to love you and it was hardly a game that went on between us. It's just that," Sara sighs before walking toward the door. "You know what? I can't talk to you when you get this way. If you ever want to know why then here's a letter that I wrote out to you. I'm not going to waste time that I don't have trying to explain something to you that you don't want to be explained. I have to go catch a flight."
Catherine grabs the letter that Sara is holding out to her and runs after Sara before she has a chance to leave. "So that's it, Sara? A letter? Really?"
"I guess so, Catherine," Sara looks back before opening the door and smiles. "See you later, Catherine. Tell Lindsey I'm gone will you?"
Catherine is left alone again and sighs before landing back on the couch in frustration. She was neither happy that Sara had left nor was she particularly sad that she had left either. Catherine couldn't help but find herself wondering about of all things, the paperwork she would have to fill out after this fiasco. It wasn't like they were short staffed at the labs even with Sara there. Now they were just superbly short staffed. God, her life was such a mess up. Even when she wasn't in it, Sara still found ways to screw everything involving her up.
She was so angry with Sara that she hardly noticed the tears flowing down her face. Why was she crying? Why couldn't she have cried earlier? Catherine couldn't help feeling like if she was going to cry she could have at least cried in front of Sara that way she felt some kind of regret at the end of this. God, damn it, Catherine thought to herself. She hardly felt suicidal anymore but now all she could feel was an overwhelming numbness.
Catherine couldn't help but feel like singing a song she had heard years ago,
I'm miles from where you are
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms
And for the first time since Eddie died, Catherine cried. The tears rolled down her face in rivers and streams and should couldn't stop herself.
Placing the letter that Sara had given her on the table, Catherine decided on reading it later. She was neither ready to nor wanted to read it right now. All she could think about was the abundance of pain in her chest over all that had happened. Everyone was in pain except the one cause of the pain, Sara Sidle. Goddamn her, Catherine couldn't help thinking. Just someone…damn her to hell for leaving me behind like this.
-Private Airport-
Grissom watches Sara walk up to him just in time to board the private jet that the undersheriff had reluctantly procured for their passage out of the United States. He had thought she wasn't going to make it and he would have been stuck trying to find her. That would have been a mess and there was anything Sara could find it was a mess.
"Sara, thank God you showed up. How are you? Did you handle your business with Catherine," Grissom pulls Sara into a hug that she returns. "I hope you didn't hurt her too much."
"Well, that ship has sailed. Let's go, Gil. I've gotten enough of my time in Vegas."
"So you're ready to leave then or are you running away like you did before?"
Sara looks back at the lights of Las Vegas before returning her eyes to Grissom's. "No. I'll never be ready to leave Vegas, Gil. It's my home no matter how many times I have to run away from it but…it's time for me to go. Time for me to move on. Maybe I'll come back to Vegas later on in my life but for now it's time to close this chapter. Can we go now, Gil? I really don't want to be arrested on the fucking tarmac."
Grissom watches Sara walk toward the open door of the jet and frowns. "If I didn't ask I never would have heard the end of it and anyway I can't wait to get back to Paris. At the Sorbonne we were doing some research on some imported Magicicada Septendecim insects and you won't believe the results we've gotten about molting times."
"Really? That's so interesting. Could I borrow your MacBook really quick, Grissom? I have to send some emails to the lab to tell them I'm not coming back for a while."
Grissom gives her his MacBook without a thought and continues to prattle on about molting before going up to the pilot's cabin to tell them they're ready to lift off. Sara sits down in the seat and begins smiling to herself before sending Nick, Greg, and Ecklie her email about having to leave. Sara couldn't help but send one special message to her little Cat.
Dear Cat-Nip,
I just can't leave you alone can I?
A/N-Liked the ending? I did. I bet you're asking a lot of questions like, "What about that fucking letter, AFIS?" or "What? Sara's just going to leave like that?" but don't worry. You'll have to deal with those questions. I love leaving things floating around in a story like this because it gives me something to work with if I decide to do *shivers with fear* a sequel. Thanks for reading everyone! You guys are like cliches to a romance novelist. Absolutely necessary and very comforting. lol.
Lyrics attributed to Snow Patrol, Set The Fire To The Third Bar.