A/N: Just a warning, I might be changing the rating of this story from T to M. This chapter deals with much more graphic and mature themes, and if I feel like it's necessary, I will change the rating. I hope you're not sensitive to graphic, emotional & sexual natures.
"I really don't think you have anything to worry about, when you come back. Everyone pretty much gets that they shouldn't mess with you now. We watched the video in homeroom the other day and everyone thinks it's pretty hilarious… how she expected to just beat you up, but she got another thing." He lifts a soggy Oreo cookie from the glass of milk he was drowning it in and shoves it in his mouth. After a couple seconds of chewing the cookie, he sweeps it to the inside of his cheek so he can talk. "Well, I can only speak for the upper classmen, but I'm sure the underclassmen feel the same."
"Well I don't think it's funny." I take another Oreo from the package sitting in the middle of us on the coffee table and jam it onto my fork. My tongue is already starting to tingle from eating so many cookies drenched in milk, but I'm hungry and Oreos sounded like a pretty good breakfast option to the both of us. I'll deal with the allergic reaction later. "I mean yeah, she spit on me and I don't regret going after her for that. But I should've never let it get that bad. …And I kind of wish there wasn't a video. None of that would've even happened if they gave me a chance from the start."
"Well the freshmen and the sophomores are still childish… meaning they don't really give anyone a chance when they get a new kid. …Especially a new kid from Garfield." He turns the green glass of milk up to his lips and takes a long sip of it. He burps hard after drinking it and wipes away a milk-mustache. "Their hatred has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. It has everything to do with where you came from."
"Well that's bull, then." I drag my teeth along my tongue because it's itching. No more cookies after this one. "Just because I came from Garfield doesn't mean I'm a terrible person. I'm a pretty nice person, actually. I have lots of friends back home." I take a small bite of the cookie, since it's my last one and I want to savor it. "But I refuse to kiss anybody's ass to be my friend. If I don't make any friends at Franklin then I just don't make friends. You know? I'm not going to break my neck to be friends with people that didn't even bother to get to know me." I drag my teeth along my tongue again.
"…What's that weird thing you're doing with your mouth?" He finishes off his glass of milk and puts the cup on the coffee table.
"My tongue is itching." I didn't realize that he noticed that I'm doing that, but since he noticed, I might as well tell him about it. "I'm allergic to milk and my tongue is killing me. It's just itching."
"Then why the hell are you even drinking milk, if you know you're allergic to it?"
"Because I haven't had Oreos and milk in forever, I was hungry and it seemed like a good breakfast." I keep scratching my tongue. It's not that bad, it's just a little uncomfortable. "Don't worry; I'm not gonna kill over and die because I had a little bit of milk. My tongue's just itchy…"
"Well worse-case scenario, what would happen to you if you drank that entire glass of milk?" He motions to the glass I'm holding in my hand.
"Worse-case scenario, I break out in really bad hives all over the place. But I'm not gonna drink that glass, because I'm not stupid." I curl up on the couch and grab the remote. It's still relatively early for me. It's 10:30 in the morning and I don't usually get out of bed until 11:00 or 11:30. Jason came in my room and woke me up to ask me if I wanted breakfast. I thought he was cooking for me or something. Had I known his version of "breakfast" was a package of Oreos and two glasses of milk, I would've stayed asleep. From the corner of my eye, I notice that he's looking at me. "…What are you looking at?"
"I'm trying to see what the guys at school are talking about, but I have to admit that I'm struggling with it right now." He closes up the package of cookies and puts my still full glass of milk inside his empty glass. "I feel like a pedophile just listening to what they say. You're so young…"
"I'm not that young." I turn on the news channel and put the remote back on the table. "I'm sixteen… what are you? Seventeen? You're just a junior. You're not that much older than me." I squint my eyes and just glare at him. "And what are you even talking about?"
"I'm almost eighteen, first of all." He snaps his fingers in a "Z" formation and rolls his neck at me, which makes me laugh. He's pretty funny. "My brother and I missed two grades. Once because we changed schools so many times that we just never caught up and our grades were crappy, so we failed the third grade. And our real mother didn't put us in kindergarten until we were almost seven. So I'm eighteen, and that makes you a baby in my eyes."
"I'm still not a baby and you're still only two years older than me. I've been told I'm pretty mature for my age, so watch who you're talking to." I playfully toss a couch pillow over at him and hit him in the face with it. "I was the youngest one in my grade back in Garfield. Everyone else turned sixteen way before I did. I just turned sixteen last month. But I'm the only freshman that can drive, so that's a plus."
"How are you able to drive already? If you just turned sixteen, how are you already able to drive?"
"My grandmother started teaching me when I was fourteen. She didn't much like driving herself, so she was training me to be the designated driver." With my index finger, I brush over the fine hairs on my thighs that are shown because of the shortness of the shorts I'm wearing. I never shave my thighs when I shave my legs but I'm beginning to think that I should start. "On my fifteenth birthday, I got my permit. A little bit before my sixteenth birthday, I got my license." I glance at the TV then back at him. "…What did you mean by that, anyway? When you said 'you feel like a pedophile just listening to them talk.' What do they say?" It's not like you're going to be able to tell Alex what they said about you without your phone. Why do you even want to know?
He shrugs and leans forward to grab the remote off the table. "The upperclassmen aren't as reluctant as the underclassmen are when it comes to new kids. They just think you're pretty hot for a freshman." He starts scrolling through the channels. "And it's weird because you're just too young to even be on my list."
I raise my eyebrow just slightly and squint my eyes again. "What list?"
"It was just a figure of speech." Yeah right, what list? He turns on a Jerry Springer rerun and tosses the remote onto the couch cushion beside him. He must be able to read my faces like Shane can, because he smirks and speaks up again. "Don't let it go to your head, freshie. To be considered hot at Franklin, all you need is a big butt, big boobs and long hair. That's all the boys around here look at. You're no model."
"…Screw you." I heave another couch pillow at him.
"What?! I already told you I feel like a pedo just listening to them talk about you! I'm attracted to older girls… older girls with more experience. See, most of my friends just don't give a shit. They'll hop in the bed with any girl they want to. Me? I've got my standards. I'm not the one that gets wrapped up in little girls, because none of them ever know what they're doing. You feel me?" He uses his hands to get his point across to me. "My friend David hooked up with a freshman a couple weeks ago and the poor girl didn't even know what the big O was."
"…The big O?" I like to consider myself pretty mature for my age, just like I said. But even I don't know what that is. Gee, maybe I am a little too young. Or maybe he just beats around the bush too much. "…Yeah, what's that?"
"Well, well, well… Miss 'I'm mature for my age'. You don't know what that is, either?"
"…I'm sure I do, I just don't get this fancy Franklin High School lingo." I run my fingers through my hair and flip it to the side. "You guys just have ten million ways to say one thing. It's rather annoying, actually. I'm not a stranger to bad words."
"An orgasm, freshie." He throws the pillow I just threw at him back to me. "But yeah, my friend David hooked up with a freshman about two…maybe three weeks ago, and the girl didn't even know what it was until he gave her one. I just can't see myself getting wrapped up in a little girl that doesn't know what she's doing." I mouth the word "Oh" and nod when I realize what that is. Yeah, I know what that is. And it makes me blush. That's awkward… Well at least that hasn't changed about you. You still don't like sex-talks and that's still you. "Why are you blushin'?"
"…I don't really…" I put my hand over my face so he can't see my cheeks. "I don't really like to talk about things like that. I find it weird… and a little bit awkward."
"You're such a freshman."
"I'm not!" Again, I throw the pillow back at him. "I KNOW what all that is. I know all about…" I mumble the word, "sex". My cheeks are so red right now. "I know all about it… but I just don't like to talk about it. That stuff is just private… and weird to talk about. That doesn't make me immature… that makes me…a girl. I just don't like to talk about it."
"Oh, you know all about it?"
"Yeah, I do. I'm not a baby. I obviously know what's supposed to go where and how things work… I just don't find it… normal to talk about it. That's gross."
"Virgin."
I suck my teeth and throw my hands up. "Seriously?!" I find myself smiling and cheesing so hard at him. "Just because… that's not something I talk about, I automatically have to be a virgin? What about just being a private person? Is that unheard of?"
He laughs so hard that he falls back against the couch and holds his stomach. "You're such a virgin! It's cute, it really is. It's cute…" Once he stops laughing, he actually looks at me like I'm a whole person again. "So there are just some things you won't tell anybody about yourself, because it's weird for you to talk about? You're so cute."
"It's not even like that. It's much more complicated than that, Jason."
"Okay then, play truth or dare with me. If it's not like that, then let's play truth or dare. And you're not allowed to skip out on anything."
"…I'm not playing truth or dare." I shake my head. That just doesn't sound like a good idea to me. "...I mean, I'll do all the truths… but I don't want to do any dares. I don't eat dirt, I don't eat bugs, I don't run around the neighborhood half naked. I don't do dares. We can play truth, just not dare."
"No skips?"
"I'll answer every question you ask me… truthfully. I won't skip anything… I promise. I just don't do dares."
"Okay, so truth or dare?" He winks at me. "I still have to ask… just in case you decide to change your mind about the dares."
"I won't change my mind… so truth." I sit up on the couch, cross my legs and play with my hair. I hope he doesn't ask me anything too personal. I don't like personal questions. But I promised him that I wouldn't skip anything and I tend to keep my promises.
"Have you had your first kiss yet? If no… why not? If yes… details." He hits the volume button on the remote a few times so that it's nearly silent between us.
"Yes." I nod. "When I was like… thirteen, I had my first kiss. It was to this guy that I did my science fair project with. We got partnered up and we were working on our presentation poster and he kissed me. He wouldn't stick his tongue in my mouth, which was weird… but that was my first kiss. That was my first real kiss." I drum my fingers along my kneecap. "You… truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"How old were you when you had your first kiss?" I kind of really, really like talking to him. I feel like I'm actually bonding with him… like a true foster brother. He's like Shane 2.0.
"Eleven. I kissed a girl underneath the table in the school library. Like yours… it wasn't full blown making out. But it was the first kiss that I actually kissed a girl with tongue. So that's that."
"You were eleven? That young?!"
"Yep. It wasn't that big a deal. I passed her a note that said I liked her. I asked her if she liked me too, and she circled yes. And we kissed underneath the table. I had no game when I was younger. I stepped it up a little since then, if I do say so myself." He winks at me again and brushes off his shoulder. "So you. Truth or dare?"
"Truth." I'm not going to change my mind about the dare so he might as well stop asking.
"How old do you think is old enough to lose your v-card? How young do you think is too young?"
"…I don't even know." I flip my hair again and comb through it. "…Well fourteen is too young… way, way too young. I think…" I shrug. "I think once you know what you're doing, you can just go for it. I think you should at least wait until you know what you're doing. Fourteen is too young, but you should know what you're doing when you do decide to do it for the first time. That's what I think."
"…So you don't think you know what you're doing yet?"
"…Why are you questioning me about this? God this is so weird…" I cover my face again. "I didn't say that. The only thing I said was that fourteen is too young and that's that." My cheeks are so hot and red.
"You lost yours already!? No way! You're such a baby, though!"
"I'm NOT a baby. I told you I know all about that stuff. I just don't like to talk about it. Talking about it is weird to me. But…" I try really hard to stop blushing. "Fourteen is just entirely too young. I wish I would've waited longer than that. It was horrible, it sucked and I regret it of course, but I can't take it back. I did it and I haven't done it since, so let's move on."
"…I can't move on, my mind is blown. You're so… kiddish. I can't even…" He shakes his head. "Why do you think it sucked? Did the guy not know what he was doing?"
"…No, he knew what he was doing." Don't blush about it. Pretend you're spilling your guts to Shane. It's Shane you're talking to. "He knew exactly what he was doing… I just wasn't ready for all that. He was sixteen at the time, so he knew perfectly well what he was doing. It was me. I wasn't ready for that kind of… thing, you know? I didn't know what to expect… I definitely didn't expect it to be what it was… but I didn't know what to really… expect."
"So it must've hurt. That's not abnormal, though. Did it hurt?"
I shake my head. "No… it didn't hurt at all. I was just…" I bite my lip. It won't kill you to open up to the guy. He's your foster brother… "Okay, it was outside. It wasn't completely dark outside, either. It was like… just about to get dark. So it was outside, in the daylight and it was just really weird. It was at the YMCA back where I used to live and I did it for all the wrong reasons. I didn't even want to do it."
"…So you were like… forced or something?"
"NO!" I throw my hands up for that. Let's get that straight RIGHT now. I wasn't raped or anything like that. It wasn't that at all. "No, no no… he didn't force me to do anything. It was just like…" I tap my fingers against my kneecap again. ""When people have sex for the first time, it's usually because they want to, you know? I didn't even want to. I did it for all the wrong reasons. My best friend had lost his virginity when he was twelve, so by the time I was fourteen, he was fifteen and he was having sex… a LOT already. And he would always talk to me about it and I just never knew what to say… because I hadn't done it. I got tired of listening to him talking about it, so I had the opportunity to do it and I just did it. It freaking sucked. Like… it was just bad. It was all bad. Bad because I didn't even want to really do it, the whole time I was wishing he'd be done already and… I don't know, it just wasn't… fun."
"If it happened outside… how'd that even work?" He looks really, really confused. I can tell that I didn't do a well enough job at explaining it.
"It was like…" I'm blushing again. "Okay, the YMCA back where I used to live has two parts to it. There's an outdoor pool and an indoor pool. We were in the outdoor pool and some guy kept grabbing my ass every time I turned around. And the guy was really cute so I let him… who wouldn't let a cute guy grab their ass? But anyway…" I don't even want to think about how awkward that entire day was. The whole twenty minutes was just all bad. "I can't remember how, but me and the guy started making out and touching all heavy and stuff and… you know, there was some hand action before it even escalated. I was so young and dumb and doing it behind the pool shed sounded like a really good idea!" I'm not even talking to Jason anymore. I'm talking at the floor because it's easier if I don't look at him. "So we went behind the pool shed and it was like… wham, bam, done. …To the sound of pickup trucks driving past the highway. Let me just say that I'm definitely not proud of that."
"Ohhh wow! Freshie, you're actually quite bold, eh?"
"It was just a one-time thing. I don't even know the dude's name. I hooked up with him for twenty minutes and never saw him again." I clear my throat. "When did this turn into a 'let's grill Jo' session? It's your turn. Truth or dare?"
"Truth, please."
"How old were YOU when you did it for the first time?"
"Twelve, going on thirteen. Slept with a fifteen year old that wouldn't leave me alone after I gave it to her. Haven't looked back since." He shrugs his shoulders like he's the shit or something. "See, it's something about older girls. I love them and they love me. I slept with the girl one time and she kept calling me for more and more. Older chicks love me. They just know what they're doing."
"What did twelve year-old you know about that? And I like how you just think younger girls have no idea what they're doing just because you prefer older girls. Not all young girls are clueless… you're just a reverse cougar."
"I'm not a reverse cougar. Cougars are women. Women that go after younger men. I'm a man that likes older women. There's nothing wrong with that."
"…What's the oldest you've ever gone?"
"Um… I had a 27 year old on my pipe the other night, if that counts."
"EW! REALLY?! She's ten years older than you!" I shiver at that. "How do you even know that you don't like younger girls if you've never given them a chance? You said yourself your first experience was with an older girl. You've never even tried the young stuff. You need someone your own age…"
"Excuse me, but this is spoken from the girl that banged a sixteen year old behind a pool shed. You don't get to judge me about your standards. Just because the oldest you've ever gone was two years older doesn't mean you get to come at me." He's laughing hard and so am I. I really feel like I'm having a conversation with Shane right now.
"…My boyfriend's two years older than me too, so make that two guys that are two years older than me."
"You have a boyfriend?"
"Mhm." I nod my head. "His name's Alex. He's a senior back at Garfield."
"…So you're banging a senior now? Good job, freshie." He offers me a high-five.
"I'm not BANGING a senior, I'm DATING a senior. There's a difference."
"…You haven't let him hit it yet?"
I cringe at the "hit-it" part. Really? Why can't he use words like "make love" instead of BANGING? Or why can't he say "you haven't slept with him yet" instead of "he hasn't hit it?" He's not making my blushing problem any easier. "…No. We've only been dating for like two weeks or something… maybe a little less than that. I don't sleep with guys I just got together with."
"Have you at least kissed him? I mean, if you're not letting him in your pants, the least you can do is kiss him. You're gonna break the poor guy."
"Alex isn't like that. He doesn't care if we do or if we don't. He's… he's different, okay? And yes… I have kissed him. Lots of times."
"Was it a peck or was it a real kiss?"
"It was a real kiss! I told you I'm not a little baby! …What do I have to do to get that through your head? I'm not a baby."
"I just don't think you know how to kiss. Okay, I admit that I agree with most of my friends when they talk about you." I wrinkle my eyebrow at him and again, like Shane, he's able to read through that expression. "You do have a nice ass… and your tits are nice too. But you're still so… young."
"…I get that a lot. But I'm really not that young." Why doesn't it bother you that he just said that about you? He just commented on your body and you're not even cringing. It's like Shane just said that about you. "You'd actually be surprised how many times I've heard the butt and the boobs compliment lately." Maybe because he's NOT Shane, and you know that.
"I mean, it's kind of true." The tone of his voice completely changes. It's lower, almost inaudible. "If you were about three years older, I'd want in."
"…Why do I have to be three years older for you to want me? Just because I'm younger doesn't mean I can't handle you." Are you flirting? Dude, shut UP. Don't say another word. Keep your mouth SHUT.
"I really don't think you could handle this, that's the thing." He's flirting back and I still don't even have half a mind to do anything about it. This is wrong… so wrong. But I can't even stop it from happening. "You'd have to be a little older to handle this. That's just how it is."
"Don't underestimate me… that's all I'm saying." But he's actually really hot… the more I look at him, the more I realize that. He's hot… and his lips look really soft and he's just really cute and he's flirting with me and damn, how could I even resist? "All it takes is one time with one girl… that's all you need to change your mind about older girls." Don't even think anymore. Just do whatever you feel… do whatever you feel. I cross my legs and rest my hands on my knees. "But I'm just saying."
"You talk a really, really good game." He sits back against the couch and puts his hands behind his head. "But if you want my opinion, I think you're all bark and no bite. It's okay to talk a good game but if you don't show any action…" He turns his head away from me. "Though it would be nice to see what you're all about… since you claim you're not a baby, I mean."
I roll my eyes at him and smile… but it's not one of my usual smiles. It's a smile that I haven't smiled in a really long time. It's kind of devious and a little bit menacing. The last time you smiled like this was with… Shut up. I cut my thoughts off so quickly… Just do what I feel… even if I think it's wrong, right? I purse my lips together in a hard line and quickly spring up off the couch, before I lose my nerve. I swing my thick ponytail to the left side of my shoulders so it'll stay out of my way. It's clear that I'm not thinking. I swing one of my legs across Jason so that I'm straddling him, and his hands immediately go to my lower back. This doesn't feel wrong yet. I'm waiting for it to feel wrong… I'm waiting.
Since I'm not feeling wrong, I lower my face to his, tilt my head and kiss him. It's not one of those innocent kisses, either. I thought this was about showing him that I'm not a baby, but I'm actually kind of enjoying myself. I'm beginning to think that this isn't at all about showing him that my age doesn't matter. I hold his face still around his jawline with my left hand and use my right hand to caress the back of his head. He's definitely an experienced kisser, but so am I. When he pushes hard against my face with his to deepen the kiss, I push back with equal intensity. His hands… oh god, his hands. Ignoring where his hands are, I just kiss him deeper.
He pulls out of the kiss for a few seconds. When we stop kissing for the moment, I open up my eyes and see that he's looking up at me while I'm looking down at him. He takes one of his hands off the spot on my ass it was on and curls it through my ponytail. "You're beautiful…" He whispers, shock and awe clear in his voice. Don't say that to me. Don't talk… just don't talk. To avoid another incident of him saying that again, I push my mouth against his again. He called you beautiful… not hot, not sexy… beautiful. Damn, why's he gotta mess with my head like that? I just want to make out… nothing else. With his one hand stroking through my hair and his other hand wandering from my butt to my lower back, up my t-shirt, I can tell he's enjoying this. I am too, but a little less now that he called me beautiful.
Once again, he stops kissing me. If he says another thing to me, this is over. Why is it so hard for him to just kiss me without saying anything? Well to my relief, he doesn't start talking again. He nestles his face in the crook of my neck and starts sucking on it. My eyes roll to the back of my head and I just let him go. Stop kissing me there… stop kissing me there… stop. kissing. me. there. Both his hands are up underneath my t-shirt now. Right now, he's just stroking and caressing all over my back and that's okay… as long as he doesn't go anywhere but there. I can't handle him kissing me like this… I'm starting to want him, and that's a problem. And just like I didn't want them to, his hands move from my back, down to my hips. Okay, they can stay there.
His fingers intertwine with the dangly parts of my belly ring. His hands don't stay on my hips for long. He can't… scratch that, he WON'T go there, will he? He's still kissing my neck which is driving me wild. I guess he will go there… yep, he will. Both his hands are on the cups of my bra, kneading and rubbing me. Are you okay with him feeling you up? Like… really okay? No. I pull away from with the quickness and force his hands out from under my shirt. Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. DAMMIT. Oh my goodness! When I pull away from him, his eyes say it all. He wasn't in any way, shape or form ready to stop. In fact, I think he's a little bit desperate for more. "We shouldn't… do this." I put my hands against his chest and push some more. He's trying to shove his hands back up my shirt but I'm resisting him. "I'm not… we just… I can't… okay?"
"But you're so…" He kisses my neck just one more time and I pull away from him. "Come on, Jo. I'm gonna die if we don't…"
I hope you didn't think I was actually going to have sex with you. I might have been a little drunk on the kisses and high on you feeling me up, but I wasn't gonna actually have sex with you. So I guess you're just gonna die then… "I know and I'm so sorry…" I ease myself off his lap and readjust my bra. "But we really shouldn't… we shouldn't."
"Why not? You said yourself you haven't done it in a while…" He grabs my hand and pulls me back towards him. "I'll take it easy on you…" Once he has me back within his reach, his hands go back to the first spot they were at, right on my ass. "I'll be easy on you…" For a minute, I give in again. I let him pull me down on the couch again but this time he's lying on top of me. "You're so fucking hot…" You're NOT having sex with him. I'm drawing the line. You are NOT. You haven't even slept with Alex yet! Oh my god… Alex… Jason's hands are trying to make their way down the front of my shorts and for a second, they actually get in. I clasp my legs shut, tightly. Alex…
"I have a boyfriend." I sit up with one of his hands still trapped between my legs. "I can't do this, Jason… I can't. I have a boyfriend." I didn't even think about Alex… oh my gosh, he's gonna be so mad at me. I didn't mean to hurt him by all of this. Alex…
"That makes you hotter." He still has a pretty tight grip around my waist with his one free hand. "I won't tell if you won't tell... nobody will find out." He tries to move the hand between my legs so that he's getting some finger action but I squeeze my thighs together so hard. I'm NOT having sex with him and I mean that. Like… ever. "Come on… you want to… you want me, just like I want you. You can't just…" He distracts me with a kiss on my lips and tries to move the hand between my legs again. Nope. "You can't just dangle it in front of me then take it away. We're home alone… come on."
Yes the hell I can, and yes the hell I just did. I'm not sleeping with you. "I know and I'm so sorry… I wasn't thinking." I yank his hand from between my legs and finally, when he sees that I'm SERIOUS, he lets me go. "I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry. I didn't mean for this to go this far." I stand up off the couch again and take a couple steps away so that he can't grab me again. "But I'm pretty sure I just cheated on my boyfriend and I'm not cool with that and I'm really starting to like it here and I just really don't want to get kicked out for this. I'm sorry… I really am."
"You didn't cheat on your boyfriend. We didn't do anything." He stands up too which makes me take a couple more steps away. I'm not doing this. I'm NOT doing this. "What about oral? That's not sex…"
"Oral sex is sex to me, and despite all the rumors going around about me, I DON'T do that." I hold my hands out to him and keep backing away. "Look, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I really, really am sorry. But I can't. I just… can't."
"Who said you'd have to be the giver? I'm good with my mouth." He takes a couple steps towards me and I take three more steps back.
"Yeah… I still can't. You're a… you're a really good kisser and you're really handsome but I just CAN'T do this. I… I have too much to lose. Y… you can't get in trouble for kissing me, but I can get in trouble for kissing you. I don't want to get kicked out of here…"
"Who's gonna tell on us?" He finally stops walking towards me. "There's nobody here. Just you… and me."
I close my eyes and throw my head back. What part of NO doesn't this boy understand? "How many times do I have to tell you sorry? I'm SORRY. I know… I got you all… ready and stuff and I flirted with you and I made the first move but I can't let this go any further than this. Please, Jason… Just understand that."
"I DO understand that, but you can't just tease me like that. You know how sexy you are… you can't tease me like that. I want you… and I always get what I want. I can't keep my hands off you now… you did this. You gave me taste and I want more… I want more."
You fuck everything up. You're just one big ball of fuck-up, aren't you? "I'm truly, deeply, from the bottom of my heart, sorry. But… if you're not going to be able to keep your hands off me, then I'll stay away from you. I'm so sorry. I never meant for that to even happen. Can we just… can we just go back to talking? Like we were talking before? I still want to be your friend… okay?"
"I can't be your friend, Jo. I need to be more than your friend."
"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… this is my fault. I'm sorry, but I really just can't. I can't. I'll stay away from you, I won't talk to you, I'll keep my distance. I know this is my fault and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I have a boyfriend and I DON'T want to get kicked out of the house for something like this. …You know that we can't. You know it's bad if we do. You know that what we just did could get me kicked out of this house. And I really want to stay…"
"I want you to stay too." He catches me off guard and takes one long stride towards me. Again, he tangles his hands inside my ponytail and pulls me close to him. "I want you… and I don't care about your boyfriend. I'll fight for you." GOD, DUDE. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY BE IN LOVE WITH ME. "If I want you, I'm gonna get you…" All I did was KISS you! If you're going this crazy over a simple kiss, then WOAH I'm glad I didn't have sex with you. I don't want you. And you'll be fighting with Alex for a very long time because I think I might love him. All kissing you did was make me realize that I might love him.
You really gotta stop kissing inappropriate guys though, Jo. You gotta quit that.
Friday
I need to find a way to see Alex after the game tonight. I feel so damn guilty and I've been feeling guilty for DAYS. I've been feeling guilty since I kissed Jason, three days ago. I think the only way to stop feeling so lousy about what happened is to just tell him about it. I'm going to tell him what I did, one way or another. And hope to god he forgives you. I still don't even know what the hell happened on Tuesday. How did I even kiss Jason? Like… how did I let that even happen? And I fucked up really bad with that one. I thought it was going to be bad when I kissed Shane, but this is so much worse. Ever since that happened, Jason's been treating me… weird. He's not mean to me or anything but he just stares at me. At the dinner table, he stares at me. When I'm walking up the steps, he'll sneak in a touch on my butt or something. I fucked up so badly and if Paula ever notices how he treats me, I'm out of this house.
I have to tell Alex about it. I hope he forgives me but if he doesn't, I completely understand. I really don't want to lose him. I think I might love him and that's why I'm so scared of losing him. Kissing Jason just made it even clearer to me that I can't just lie down and have sex with someone random. The only person I can even fathom sleeping with is Alex. I think I might have just ruined things for myself, once again. Okay, so what if I don't tell Alex? I can keep this a secret. Jason said he won't tell anyone and I really believe that. So if I don't tell Alex, then he just won't know and then I can just go back to being his girlfriend. But I won't stop feeling so guilty and lousy about it if I don't tell him. Part of me really wishes it were Monday afternoon so I could go talk to Mrs. Who about this.
I just need my fucking cell phone, that's what I need. If I had my cell phone, I would've called Alex and told him about what I did the day I did it. I need my phone. I wish I knew where Paula hid it. I can't deal with this anymore. I've been feeling so crappy ever since TUESDAY. It's FRIDAY now. I've been holding this in for three whole days. How am I going to convince Paula to let me go out after the game? How am I going to talk to Alex without getting into trouble? I've just been running through that day over and over and over again in my head. How did I let that happen? Was I confused? Was I just being a horny, hormonal teenager? How the HELL did I let that even happen?
I keep trying to tell myself that it was just a kiss, but it was more than that. Am I "blocking" again? Because I'm literally not registering anything about that day. I remember… I remember kissing him, and that's it. I remember being on his lap and making out with him for like five minutes and THAT'S IT. It had to have been more though. It was more. Because Jason can tell me what my bra looked like that day and he can tell me about the beauty mark on my chest that he kissed. So it had to have been more. But all I remember is kissing him for five measly minutes and I vaguely remember apologizing for some reason, afterwards. I don't remember anything… maybe I really am blocking.
I know I didn't have sex with him. I DO know that. I think I might have come close to it, though. Because he tells me every night… he tells me every night while we're cleaning up the kitchen after dinner that he had a taste and he wants more. What does that even mean? And he feels obligated to see me naked now, too. Like when I'm in the shower, he thinks it's okay to just come in the bathroom and brush his teeth. Did he see me naked? What did I do? Why can't I even remember what I did? You're not trying hard enough to remember, idiot. You better get out of here before they wonder what you're doing in here, I know that much. Pick your ass up off this floor and go outside. My thoughts are so loud right now that I can't hear myself breathe.
I pull my knees up into my chest and rest my chin against my jeans-covered kneecap. My eyes ache from crying so much. I really need you to think about what you did. Because I don't want you lying to Alex about this. If you tell him that you kissed Jason when it was CLEARLY more than just a kiss, then you're lying to him. Think, idiot. Think… think… THINK. Think, before you run out of water. The holes in your bag are getting bigger. I sweep my hair out my face so that I can cry without it sticking to my cheeks. I hate my hair anymore. I think I want it cut. I think I want to chop it all off. Jason said yesterday that I have hair that's good to grab onto while a guy does it from behind. Yeah, I want to cut it all off. I want to put it up in a ponytail and just cut the ponytail off. You idiot, you're not thinking. THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TUESDAY, NOT ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO TO YOU.
Interrupting my thoughts, somebody rhythmically knocks on the bathroom door. "Jo?" It's Alyssa. Her voice is soft and calm, a mere counter to my angry, loud, hateful thoughts. "We're leaving in a couple minutes… we want to get good seats. Come on!"
You'd better get going. Quickly, I lift up the loose floorboard I discovered in the bathroom sometime last week and grab it. I take a deep breath and pull the left sleeve of my purple and white Garfield hoodie up. My jaw trembles as I try to speak. "J…Just a second!" My voice comes out in a tone that doesn't even mirror the way I'm feeling. I really didn't want to do this, but the holes in my baggie are big, the water is spilling out and I'm going to die if I don't patch them up. I roll up a part of the hood of my sweatshirt and bite down on it while I search for a clean spot. I have to go down pretty far to find a fresh spot that isn't sore from one that's already there. There. That one's healing… When I find the spot, I push down until I hear the soft, splitting crunchy noise. When I hear the noise, I know I'm deep enough. I drag about two inches across and softly moan into the hood of my sweatshirt. "Ahhh…" When the deep red, almost purple blood drips down onto the white tile floor, I grab the blood-spotted washcloth I use every time and wipe it up. I push the rag to the new cut and wait for it to stop bleeding. I can breathe again… You're okay… you're okay… It doesn't hurt… I peel away the rag and see if it's done bleeding.
Another knock on the door. "Jo? We'll be out in the car."
"I said just a minute!" I try to mask the tears in my voice. I don't usually stop at one, because one is NEVER enough to patch the holes in my baggie. But I'm being rushed, so maybe one can keep me from dying for just a little while. I dab the rag on my wrist a couple more times and shove both it and the razor blade back into the floorboard. Try to have fun at the game. Try not to die. Try to remember…