So, it's been a while. Here's an extra long chapter to hopefully make up for it.
We're nearing the end now.
When Merida walked into Swan Fitness, she was already quite familiar with the place; she had thoroughly researched it before finally deciding to pay it a visit. As she made her way towards the reception, she took a good look around, trying to spot the person she came here for. She had been waiting a few minutes when the blonde finally walked past her, and seeing her so close, she couldn't help but smirk. Ah, Alex, she thought. I can definitely see what you saw in her.
"Hello!" Merida exclaimed. When the blonde kept walking, she reached out and brushed her arm lightly. "Pardon me, miss!" she tried again, finally catching her attention.
The woman smiled, but the gesture didn't quite reach her eyes. "How may I help you?"
Merida wondered if her fake smile usually worked on others, because she could see right through it. Still, she returned it as best she could, going on about how she had been waiting, and how she was interested in joining the fitness club.
Although the facility was impressive, Merida kept her eyes fixed on Emma during the duration of the tour. It didn't bother her that her staring was obvious- she was a naturally observant person, and in this particular case, she needed to be extra perceptive of the blonde's actions and responses.
She was on a mission, one might call it, and although her friend never asked her to go through so much trouble, she couldn't help herself. She needed to make sure that Emma was the kind of person Merida was told she was, she needed to make sure she was worthy.
And so, she bombarded Emma with questions about the club, how old it was and how she came to own it, and when she felt her getting suspicious, she tried her best to flirt her way out of it. It surprised her when the blonde politely brushed her off; Merida prided herself in how well she was able to read people, and the woman seemed to her the kind of person that would be quite susceptible to people's advances. It made her wonder if there was more to Emma than she initially thought.
When they were finally back at the reception desk, Merida was amused to see from the blonde's expression that she was relieved the tour was over. She found herself once again wondering whether Emma was always like that, or if she had just caught her at a bad time. The only thing she knew for certain was that her assessment of the club owner was still inconclusive, and despite the fact she hated working out, she was going to have to get a membership after all.
"This is Neal," Emma introduced as the man made his way behind the reception desk to join her, sounding a little annoyed, perhaps because he wasn't there earlier. "He's the assistant manager I mentioned earlier. Neal, this is Miss DunBroch-"
"Please," she interrupted with a mischievous smile. "Call me Merida."
With a forced smile, Emma corrected, "This is Merida, she's interested in getting a membership with us. Would you mind taking over?"
"I'd love to," he responded with a wide grin, reaching out to shake her hand and welcome her to the fitness club. When Emma gave him the forms she had to fill out and excused herself, he spoke again. "So, Miss DunBroch, I see from these papers that you'd like to have a personal trainer. Did you have someone in mind? Or may I pick someone for you?"
"Actually," her blue eyes gleamed with excitement as she leaned over the desk. "Is Emma available?"
A few weeks had passed since Regina last ran into Emma. The two had done a phenomenal job at avoiding each other completely, a difficult feat considering they not only went to the same school, but were also in the same department.
Of course, Regina did spot Emma a few times, but always from afar, and always early enough to change course and evade her. She got lucky, she supposed, but she knew that she couldn't avoid her forever. More accurately, she didn't want to.
However, the avoidance was necessary. She was very aware of how profound her feelings were for the blonde and knew what another interaction with her would do. The first time it had happened, she barely made it in time to her office before she completely fell apart. Regina couldn't predict how she would react to another meeting, and at this point in time, she wasn't prepared to deal with that uncertainty.
So instead, she went with the option that best served her mental and emotional stability, or at least, the option that Dr. Hopper suggested for her. She had come to trust him, and agreed that she needed to resolve several things with herself before finally confronting Emma.
Their sessions these past few months had revolved around Mr. Glass in the beginning, but the focus had quickly shifted towards Emma. Dr. Hopper was quite pleased with that shift, making it very clear to Regina. "This means that you're finally starting to concentrate more on your present issues," he had explained. "And not what happened to you in the past."
Indeed, Regina had been struggling with the assault and how her attacker broke her. But she was growing stronger every day, and with Dr. Hopper's help, she was feeling more and more like herself again. It was after this slow but sure progress that she made an adamant decision: she would no longer allow Sidney Glass to have any control over her.
That decision, although seemingly simple, drained her; it took all her mental capacity to resist the urge to feel all the emotions her attacker had enforced upon her when he struck. Guilt, shame, fear, helplessness- she knew she couldn't completely abolish them, but she would sure as hell do everything in her power to fight them.
With that at the forefront of her mind, she was finally able to allow herself to feel everything she felt for, and because of, Emma. She was able to travel back in time, back to the moments she believed she couldn't have been happier. But as comforting, and almost healing, as that was, it also served as a constant reminder of what she had lost- what she had forcefully pushed away.
What Regina knew for certain, however, was that she refused to give up. She had made the mistake of letting Emma go once, but she was determined to do everything she could to get her back. Regina had been in many relationships before Emma, with both men and women, but no one had ever made her feel the way her former student did.
No one had ever loved her the way Emma did.
It was the kind of love that engulfed one's entire being, and after getting a taste of that, she doubted she could ever be the same again. She doubted she could ever be with anyone else again. It frightened her, if she was completely honest with herself. She never knew she had the capacity to love a person so much, so deeply.
Knowing that made her feel dependent on Emma in a way, and that was a feeling Regina Mills was definitely not accustomed to.
It was thanks to Dr. Hopper that she slowly, but surely was able to overcome that fear.
Regina had been dancing around the subject of Emma for quite some time, and Dr. Hopper was very well aware of it. After she had disclosed their unexpected encounter to him, he knew that they would have to discuss it in more detail sooner or later. However, he didn't want to pressure Regina into talking about anything before she felt inclined to do so. Based on their sessions together, he learnt that pushing did not work well with her, and so he was satisfied with patiently waiting for her to bring it up.
Dr. Hopper was only human, though, and couldn't help but give Regina a little nudge during one of their sessions. After they had been talking about Sidney Glass, and how she felt that his hold on her was significantly weakening,, an apparent silence had taken over that he couldn't help but fill. "So, Regina," he tentatively began. "Is there anything else you'd like to talk about today?"
Regina took a moment to consider this, knowing exactly what her psychiatrist was referring to but not quite sure if she was ready yet. She took a deep breath, realizing that she couldn't run away from this any longer, then finally spoke, "I miss her." She was aware that he expected a longer, more detailed answer, but this was all she could muster in the moment.
"Emma?" he asked, his features and voice soft, hopefully communicating to her that it was okay, that she could take all the time she needed.
The name made her heart ache, and she couldn't help but feel her throat constricting as she spoke again, her voice barely a whisper. "Yes," the single word followed.
There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, but knew he needed to take a step back and match the pace of his client, not the pace of his curiosity. "Tell me some of the things you miss the most," he suggested with a smile, hoping that would encourage her.
She mirrored his smile, although hers was more bittersweet than anything, reflecting exactly how she felt about the subject. "Everything," she said with a wave of her hand. "But mostly her spirit. It was infectious, how positive she was, how happy she was.
"She always knew exactly what to do or say to make me feel better, even though I would never specifically ask her for it. I never really realized how dependent I was on her," she paused, her smile growing sadder as she went on. "Not until I lost her." Regina's voice was beginning to shake despite her greatest efforts, and she hated it. She hated it because it made her feel weak, and weakness was something she had been feeling far too much for far too long.
Once again, she inhaled deeply, doing her best to steady herself; she needed to distance herself for a moment and remember that this wasn't her, and more importantly, feeling this way was only temporary. She realized that the only person standing in her way of getting her strength back now was her, and she definitely wasn't planning on losing to herself.
When she spoke again, her words didn't sound desperate or frail; instead, Dr. Hopper could hear the determination in her voice, like she was prepared to do everything in her power to achieve her goal. He didn't know her before all of this, but he suspected that this was how Regina sounded before the assault: confident and powerful. "I want her back. No," she corrected, "I need her back."
Dr. Hopper couldn't help but smile at that, appreciating how far the woman before him had come. When he took her on as a client, he had no doubt that she would recover, but even he couldn't tell how long that might take. Every person deals with trauma differently, and although he knew Regina to be a strong and intelligent woman, he had no way of knowing for certain.
It made him happy, seeing her focused on something other than her attacker and how he violated her. In his experience, it was important to acknowledge and try to resolve the trauma one goes through. Ignoring it would only cause things to accumulate and there's only so much a person can handle before they inevitably fall apart. Be that as it may, it's also counterproductive to focus too much on the incident itself. Otherwise, one is stuck living in the past and ultimately forgets that there is more to life than that single moment in time and its repercussions.
Dr. Hopper didn't need to ask Regina if she was ready to be back in a relationship again, he knew her well enough by now to trust her judgement completely, but he was still interested to know what made her make this decision. "Why do you think you're now ready to be with her again?" he asked curiously, hoping she understood that he wasn't questioning her statement out of doubt.
"I feel as though I have finally made peace with what happened to me," she paused, waiting for his response. When he only offered her a nod, she continued, "perhaps not completely, but I'm certainly better than before. I can say that I no longer feel guilty for the incident; I still feel helpless at times, I admit, but I can confidently say that I do not blame myself for it. Not anymore.
"I believe my greatest fear about being with Emma, at the time, was that I didn't want her to see me like that: weak, unsteady. Up until that moment, she had only seen me be the strong, confident Regina, I didn't know how she would react when she saw the complete opposite."
Dr. Hopper, of course, understood that fully. But he was also aware that Emma was the one that took care of her wounds the night the assault happened, and had stayed with her every night afterwards until Regina had asked for a break. Still, he remained silent, choosing to wait for Regina to finish.
"It was foolish of me, having such a fear," she sighed. "Despite how different I was, Emma remained and she handled it better than I could have ever imagined. I suppose that was what frightened me even more: I was starting to feel dependent on her and that was something unfamiliar and, quite frankly, undesirable.
"My mother was a very powerful woman, and she had raised me to be completely independent. I was taught that anything less was a sign of weakness. I don't know why I listened to her," she laughed bitterly. "She also taught me that love was weakness, and for the longest time, I believed her.
"It wasn't until Emma that I began to doubt that," she admitted for the first time, to him and to herself. "Loving her, and being loved by her, was one of the greatest feelings I had ever experienced. I didn't feel weak when I was with her, I felt strong, like I could handle anything as long as we were together."
It was then that she fully registered her words, realizing once again how much of a mistake she had made. She didn't mind depending on Emma, because she knew she could. And she didn't mind feeling weak, because she knew having and being with Emma only made her stronger. She couldn't help hearing her mother's voice in the back of her mind, taunting her, telling her how disappointed she was in her, but she did her best to ignore it. Her mother was gone, and although that pained her, there was a certain sense of relief that accompanied it.
Being a psychiatrist, it was almost impossible for Archibald not to find interest in what Regina said about her mother. Were it any different, he would not have hesitated at all to ask her to elaborate, but he was aware that, although Regina may have some unresolved business with her mother, it was not the right time to discuss it.
Instead, he made a quick note to bring up the subject later, if given the opportunity, and shifted his focus once again to the matter at hand. He was pleased to see how resolute she was about getting Emma back. To him, this was not only beneficial to her mental health, but also meant that she was beginning to feel like herself again.
In his experience, mending relationships after that kind of assault was not only difficult, but in most cases, inconceivable. Thus, the fact that she had arrived at this decision herself, and that she was willing to do everything she could to make it happen, was incredible.
Perhaps the only thing that worried him was the possibility of Emma refusing to accept Regina's apology. He knew that discussing this risk would be pragmatic, but he hadn't seen Regina so unyielding about anything before, and he feared that he would not only damage that, but ruin it altogether.
Smiling, he finally spoke, "I think this will be great for you, Regina." And he really meant it, because although he didn't know much about her relationship with Emma, he could tell that, whatever they had, it was nowhere near ordinary.
Emma wondered if Regina was purposefully avoiding her. It had been several weeks since their run-in with each other, and although Emma knew it was probably for the best, she still missed her ex-professor terribly. She had spotted her around campus a few times, but it was always from a distance, and always from an angle that wasn't too obvious.
She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but Emma had been spending a fair amount of time fantasizing about possibly running into Regina again, about what she would say to her and what Regina would respond with in turn. As much as it pained her, she longed for it, for another accidental meeting; it was nowhere near ideal, she knew, but that was the only way she could see her without making it seem like she was desperate.
I am desperate, she thought to herself. And she really was, she just wasn't planning on doing anything about it, not when Regina had asked for space, not when she had pushed her away. Being apart from her was excruciating for Emma—it was as though there was a weight on her chest, getting heavier and heavier with each day.
It was suffocating her.
She realized, however, that as difficult as it was for her to breathe, she needed to pull through it, because as badly as she wanted Regina back, she had convinced herself that there was simply nothing she could do. Not when Regina was the one that ended things.
That, to her relief, made things slightly more bearable, and she tried her best to distract herself from the fact that she was probably never going to love again, not the way she did Regina. Something about loving her was incredibly fulfilling—in fact, Emma had no idea she had the capacity to feel so much, so intensely, for a single person.
It was no surprise that she felt absolutely empty after it was all over.
But she had wallowed in her misery long enough, and as agonizing as it was to pull herself together and go on with her life, she knew it was the only viable option. So, she did everything in her power to keep herself busy with school and work, and when she felt the loneliness was particularly intolerable, she called upon her friends for help.
A person she couldn't have predicted to be one of those was Merida, a wildly bold, Scottish girl that had quickly advanced from being one of Emma's clients to becoming a friend. She couldn't quite explain why, but something about the redhead seemed strangely familiar to her. Emma tried pushing a few times, asking things that would hopefully give her an insight as to why she felt that way. They had sessions together three times a week and so was given many opportunities to do so, but Merida always answered very vaguely, or found a way to shift the conversation back to her.
It bothered her at first, but she eventually let it go. Merida was loud and unapologetically impulsive, something that reminded her of Ruby a lot, and so Emma couldn't help but enjoy her company.
When she stopped worrying about why Merida didn't seem to want to open up in any way, the redhead surprised her by doing just that. Emma had learnt that Merida had lost her parents when she was only sixteen, which forced her to quit school and take care of her younger triplet brothers, or 'wee devils', as she often called them.
It was when Merida revealed that information that Emma also felt comfortable enough to talk briefly about her past. Her walls were still firmly planted around her, and her trust wasn't something she readily gave away, but it was due to a crazy, fateful night that she unavoidably let more out than she had planned.
"Who did you say we were meeting?" an already tipsy Ruby shouted over the music and the chatter.
The two hadn't been back to this place ever since Emma, for lack of a better word, fucked one of the many ridiculously attractive dancing bartenders. She had avoided the place altogether because of how the encounter had ended, but months had passed already, and although she wasn't quite ready for that kind of a distraction, she thought it would be a good place to start.
Emma remembered distinctly asking Ruby to take it easy with the drinks, but she chuckled as she spoke, not entirely surprised by her behavior. "Merida," she said for the fifth time that night, abandoning any hope of a sober introduction between the two.
Ruby nodded, swaying from side to side. Emma didn't know if it was because of the alcohol or the music, but she grabbed her arm to steady her regardless. "Is she hot?" she said with a smirk. She didn't know much about the girl, but somehow she was a little suspicious about her.
She wondered if Emma was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with this new girl, and if she was, how she could sabotage it. She had, without Emma's knowledge, kept in touch with Regina, and although the professor wasn't ready to do anything just yet, Ruby knew she wanted Emma back.
When Merida finally arrived, Emma gave her a quick hug and offered her the stool next to her. "I'm so glad you could make it," she smiled genuinely, eager to introduce her new friend to Ruby. She couldn't explain why, but she had the feeling that the two would get along quite well. Perhaps it was the fact that both Ruby and Merida were brazen and somewhat impulsive, always doing or saying things first and thinking later. But more importantly, they had become two people that she was starting to truly trust, and although that terrified her, it was also comforting.
"Thanks for giving me a call," said the redhead, her blue eyes sparkling as she smiled.
It had been a few weeks since Emma met her, but she was still finding it difficult to adjust to the woman's heavy Scottish accent. She wondered if she was ever going to get used to it. "Ruby!" she tried to call, but the brunette was too preoccupied flirting unabashedly with a man sitting on the table next to them. She tapped her shoulder to get her attention, and when she finally did, she spoke again, "Ruby, this is Merida."
Ruby gave the newcomer a head-to-toe scan, an action that was not subtle in the slightest. When her eyes landed on Merida's, the redhead had a raised eyebrow and a bold smirk on her face, letting Ruby know that she was caught. Mirroring the smirk, she extended her hand to shake Merida's before speaking, "It's nice to finally meet you. Emma has told me great things about you."
As the night progressed, the three had all done their fair share of drinking, dancing, and flirting. To Emma's relief, Ruby and Merida were getting along wonderfully, and that, coupled with the alcohol and girls that always seemed to be willing to throw themselves at her, were almost enough to make her forget about Regina.
Almost.
When the bar was starting to get a little too cramped for their liking, they decided to take the party back to Emma's place. They all had a variety of drinks in their bloodstream, but that didn't stop them from adding beer to the mix. A few bottles later, Emma found herself lying face-down on her leather couch, fully aware that she was going to deeply regret this in the morning.
It was when Emma was close to falling asleep that Merida spoke, her speech not as slurred as she would have expected considering how much she had drank. "Tomorrow's gonna be hell, but I really enjoyed tonight."
Emma could only manage a soft hmm in response, her spinning head making it difficult to form words.
"Was it enough to distract you from whatever it was you were trying to avoid?" the redhead spoke again, sitting up to face her.
Furrowing her brow, Emma tried to follow suit but the action made her want to throw up all the alcohol she had consumed. Instead, she rolled around on her back and placed an arm behind her head. "What makes you think it was a distraction?"
Merida chuckled as she nodded towards the brunette currently passed out on one of the living room couches, "You and Ruby mentioned it a few times." When Emma remained silent, she pressed, "what is it you need a distraction from?"
"Not what," she sighed dejectedly. "Whom."
Merida couldn't say she was entirely surprised. She had gotten to know the blonde well these past few weeks, and although Emma did a decent job at hiding it, Merida could tell that something, that someone, was hurting her. However, as much as she had come to care for Emma, she didn't really need to know that piece of information. What she sought was to determine whether her friend had made a mistake or not, whether Emma was worthy of whatever she came here to give her.
She didn't know if it was the alcohol, or the unexpected friendship the blonde had given her, but Merida couldn't help but press further. "Would you like to talk about it?"
Everything after that was a blur; Emma had woken up to find Ruby still very much passed out in her living room, while Merida was nowhere to be found. Emma tried calling and texting, just to make sure she was alright, but she didn't receive an answer until four days later. It came in the form of a very brief message: We need to talk.
Emma couldn't help but feel slightly uneasy upon receiving such a message. She couldn't, for the life of her, figure out what it was Merida would possibly want to talk about. Did I do something inappropriate that night we were drunk? But although some of that was a blur, she was pretty sure she didn't do anything.
She had no idea that it was what she said that night that made Merida finally come to a decision.
When Merida rang the bell to her loft, Emma was in the middle of playing on the piano, something she had been doing more and more of these past couple of weeks. Even though it had been tied to some painful memories, she found that playing was quite calming. She needed a little calm in her life.
"Hey," she greeted nervously as she slid her door open. There was a strange look on Merida's face that Emma couldn't quite explain, and that only served to make her nerves worse.
Merida was doing perfectly fine until she heard something she hadn't heard in years as she stood outside of Emma's apartment. She knew the music piece Emma was playing all too well, and she couldn't help the flashbacks she had as the melody almost enveloped her. The conversation she was planning to have with Emma was supposed to be quick and emotionless, but this, combined with how she grew to feel about her complicated things.
The silence was becoming a little too unnerving as they made their way towards the living room, forcing Emma to speak to fill the void, "Is everything alright?"
The redhead ignored the question, instead asking one of her own, "was that Dark Night of the Soul?" In truth, she didn't really need to ask, she could recognize it anywhere.
Emma was taken aback by that; in all the weeks she had known her, Merida had shown no interest in classical music, so she wasn't expecting this at all. "You know Philip Wesley?"
"Not particularly," she answered honestly. "But I know- I knew Natalie."
It took Emma a few moments to process that statement, and even when she did, all she was able to manage was a weak, "what?" in response.
Merida sighed, finding it more and more difficult to say what she came here to say. She was beginning to realize that, perhaps, getting close to the blonde wasn't her smartest move. She should've just done what her friend asked her to do. "Alexandra Anisov, whom you knew as Natalie," she paused, the look of utter shock on the blonde's face not entirely surprising. "She was my oldest and closest friend."
Emma's mouth opened and closed a few times, not exactly sure how to respond to Merida's confession. When she had seen the woman for the first time, she couldn't quite explain why she reminded her so much of Natalie. She supposed it all made sense now. "Is that why you came to my gym?" she asked, anger starting to bubble within her.
"Yes," Merida admitted, unable to meet Emma's eyes.
She suddenly stood up, feeling the overwhelming need to put some distance between her and the redhead lest she hurts her. She took a deep breath, trying her best to calm herself, before she spoke, "What do you want, Merida? Is that even your real name?"
Merida remained seated, realizing it to be the safest choice. "It is. Everything I told you about me was true, except for the true purpose of my visit to your fitness club."
Emma scoffed, finding it almost impossible to believe anything that came out of her mouth from here on out. "What is 'the true purpose', then?" she asked impatiently, eager for this nightmare to be over already. It had been a few months since she last thought of Natalie, and she had finally thought she was on her way to completely forgetting about her. Clearly, she was wrong.
"I found a will that Alex had written before she was...killed in prison," she paused, recalling the day she received a call informing her of her best friend's demise. Merida had been the only person on Alexandra's contact list. In fact, she had been listed as a relative. "After her death, her belongings were released to me, but it was too painful for me to go through them at the time.
"I finally found the strength to do so a couple of weeks before I came to see you, and that was when I stumbled upon the will." Emma's back was still towards Merida, and so she could not see the woman's features, could not read her feelings. That bothered her, but she decided to go on regardless. "Alex had stashed away a small amount of her fortune before she was caught. She said that, when you were together, the two of you talked about building a new orphanage, one that was actually a good and safe place for children.
"In her will, she asked me to deliver that money to you. Alex knew how important that dream was for you, and she wanted you to have it. She hoped that, this final act, even after her death, would be enough for you to forgive her. But more importantly, she hoped that this would prove to you that, whatever the two of you had, was undoubtedly real."
Emma wanted so badly to ask her to leave, to tell her that she didn't want to see her ever again, but instead, her own voice sounding foreign to her, she said "Do you have it with you?"
Merida understood what Emma needed right away, and reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a folded paper and gave it to her. She watched silently as the tears made their way down Emma's cheeks and as her hand covered her mouth, hoping to muffle the sobs. Merida wanted more than anything to move closer to her, to give her the tightest hug she could possibly give, but she feared that the action would only make things worse.
Emma's entire body was shaking as she tried her best to keep her cries in. She wondered if this was some terrible cosmic joke, if this was just a dream and she was about to wake up any minute. The only thing she knew for certain was that she hated Natalie, or whatever her name was. Emma hated her for lying, for making her fall in love with her. She hated her for making her doubt everything and everyone, and for leaving this will behind. But most of all, she hated her for getting herself killed.
Because how was she supposed to tell her that she forgave her?
When she felt confident enough that she had her emotions slightly under control, Emma spoke again, "I can't use her money. Natalie was a con-artist and I'm assuming she obtained it illegally. I can't accept it."
"This was her final wish, and you're willing to not only deny her that, but all the children out there in need of a decent home, because you disapprove of how she got the money?" Merida tried her best to mask the anger in her voice, but she knew she wasn't doing a great job.
Emma knew that the redhead had a point, but she wasn't quite prepared to admit that just yet. Truth be told, even though she had money of her own, she knew it wouldn't be enough to build and maintain an orphanage, something she had been wanting to do for as long as she could remember. Whatever money Natalie left her would definitely make a difference. "I'm sorry," she said resignedly. "I can't accept this."
Merida sighed, recognizing that it was futile to argue. She pulled out another piece of paper and placed it on the table in front of Emma, then said, "It doesn't matter. Here's the account number and all the other information you may need. The account is already under your name, the money is yours."
When Emma remained silent, Merida flipped the piece of paper and wrote something down, then made her way towards the door. "Listen, Emma," she spoke softly. "I didn't mean to hurt you, or lie to you. I just wanted to make sure giving you this money wouldn't be a mistake. I guess I should've just trusted Alex and kept my distance after giving you the will. I've grown to care about you, and your friendship means a great deal to me. I've written down my phone number, if you ever feel like getting in touch. But for now, I suppose it's goodbye."
Merida was almost out the door when Emma finally spoke. "Wait! How did you know that you weren't making a mistake?"
"That night we got really drunk, you talked a lot about your ex-girlfriend, Regina, and how you were trying to distract yourself," she paused, then smiled as she continued, "and then you mentioned Natalie, and how you didn't think you would ever be able to love someone again after her."
"Oh, God," she groaned, feeling utterly embarrassed.
Merida chuckled, "The way you talked about her, even though you were absolutely wasted, I could tell that she meant a great deal to you, that maybe she still does." Emma sighed, her racing thoughts making it difficult to speak. Merida stepped out of the loft, her hand resting on the door knob, "I hope things work out between you and Regina, Emma," she said genuinely. "She seems like the real deal." With that she turned around and walked out of the loft, not waiting for a response.
"Yeah," she whispered to herself, her heart aching at the mention of the professor's name once again. "She really is."
Emma couldn't wait for this week to be over. After everything that happened with Merida, it was extremely hard to focus on anything else, making being mentally present in classes almost impossible. She had gotten scolded three times by three different professors for spacing out, and there was little she hated more than that.
She was beyond relieved when Friday was finally nearing an end, and as she made her way through the campus hallways, her only focus was to get to her car and drive straight to her gym. She was so fixated on that single task that she didn't hear her name being called until it was said for a fifth time, coupled with a hand brushing her elbow.
Her initial thought was to yell at whoever it was that interrupted her journey to her car, but as she turned around, she suddenly felt like she had lost her ability to speak.
"Hey," the raspy voice she knew all too well said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Emma remained silent, her mouth hanging open, clearly stunned by the person standing before her. Regina continued, "I called your name a few times, but I couldn't quite get your attention."
Emma needed a few moments to gather her thoughts, needed to remember how to speak. When she finally found her voice, she said softly, "Sorry, I have a lot on my mind."
Regina's heart throbbed at the statement, wishing more than anything to hold the blonde and keep her safe, wishing she could say, talk to me, I can make it better. But she knew she couldn't, not just yet, and that pained her beyond measure. Instead, she simply stood there, hoping Emma would recognize all her wishes just by looking into her eyes. "I was hoping I could speak with you, if you had a moment?" Regina didn't know why she was acting so formally. She supposed it was because of her nerves, or perhaps she wasn't quite sure what she was going to say to begin with.
To say Emma was confused would have been an understatement- she wasn't only confused, she thought she was hallucinating. She hadn't spoken to Regina in weeks, let alone seen her, and so she wasn't entirely certain how to deal with whatever it was that was happening at the moment. Regina's concerned look made her realize that she had been quiet for too long, and so she said, "Yeah, sure. I have some time."
In truth, Emma couldn't wait to get to her fitness club- working out was always the best distraction for her, and she needed that more than anything. But she was curious as to what Regina wanted to talk to her about.
As they both made their way towards Regina's office, Emma's heart was pounding so heavily that she could almost hear it. Meeting with Regina was something she didn't see coming at all; the idea of getting back together hadn't even crossed her mind, only because the failure of that notion was too painful to bear, and so she wasn't quite sure what to expect.
When they arrived, Regina paused at the door to inform her secretary that she was not to be disturbed, and then led Emma into her office. She made her way to the closest chair, but realizing that she was too restless to sit, opted to lean against her desk instead.
Regina had so much she wanted to say that she didn't quite know where to begin; the only thing she knew for certain was that she wanted Emma back, that she needed her back. When the silence seemed to stretch on for a little too long, she said hesitantly, "I've been seeing a psychiatrist."
"What?" Emma was taken aback by that statement, not entirely sure how to respond.
Regina took a deep breath, hoping the gesture would help calm her nerves. It didn't. "His name is Dr. Hopper, and he's been helping me...cope, with the incident." She hated saying that, the incident, but it was the lesser of two evils, and she tried not to overthink it too much. She wasn't talking to a stranger, she was talking to Emma.
And Emma knew.
Emma realized that she shouldn't have been so surprised; it was perfectly normal for someone who's gone through what Regina went through to seek help from a professional. But perhaps it was the fact that it was Regina Mills, a person she knew both as a brilliant professor and as a lover, that she found it difficult to imagine.
Still, she couldn't help but feel glad, because as much as it hurt her that Regina didn't want her help, she was still grateful that the professor was able to find it elsewhere. She just wished she didn't have to push her away for that. "Has it been going well?" she asked, hoping more than anything that it was.
Regina had been focused on her expensive heels for a while when Emma spoke, causing her head to snap upwards. She wasn't sure what to expect as a response, and the question caught her off guard. "Better than I anticipated," she replied honestly. "Actually, that's partly what I wanted to discuss with you." Emma remained silent, her look of confusion communicating more than her words could have. "Emma," she spoke softly, her voice barely a whisper.
Hearing that single word uttered by that voice was unbearable. Emma could feel her entire body ache for the woman standing before her, for the love of her life. It took every ounce of control not to run to her and hold her for the rest of eternity. That's the impact Regina had on her, simply by saying her name, simply by existing.
Still, the blonde didn't speak. Regina searched the emerald eyes she loved so much, trying to get a hint of what she might be thinking or feeling, but all she could see was pain. I caused that, she thought, hating herself more and more. But she was in pain too, and she was here to make it right, for the both of them. "Emma," she said again. "I miss you."
Emma couldn't quite explain it, but hearing that made her very angry. She supposed it was because the only other option was for her to burst into tears, and she wasn't prepared to do that, not right now. She missed her too, of course. She missed her so much it physically pained her. But it was Regina that pushed her away, that hurt her so badly that she didn't know if she would ever recover. "What do you want, Regina?" she asked, her voice flat, emotionless.
Regina was shocked by the younger woman's demeanor, and frankly couldn't deny that it stung her. She was sure she deserved it, she had just hoped that Emma would be willing to start over. "I want you back. Emma, I made a mistake, and I want you back." There was so much more she could have said, that she wanted to say, but she was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of urgency to explain herself in hopes of winning Emma back. The thought of Emma refusing her hadn't even occurred to her, but with that simple question, said with such detachment, Regina was slowly beginning to unravel.
Emma was feeling so many things, but happiness, something she should have been feeling upon hearing Regina's words, was not one of them. The conversation she had had with Ruby had suddenly started to play and replay in her head, and although she understood Regina's decision to push her away at the time, it didn't make it any less painful. And so, now, standing before the woman that essentially broke her, she felt herself drowning in a sea of betrayal and, worst of all, abandonment.
She wanted to be with Regina more than anything in the world, but Emma had been through enough disappointments in her life, and Regina ending things was by far the most devastating. She was someone she could see the rest of her life with, someone she wanted to grow old with, but she couldn't handle the thought of possibly being hurt, or abandoned. Not again. "I miss you too," she finally said, the pain evident in her voice. "But I don't think I can do this."
"What- what do you mean?" Regina was sincerely hoping that she had heard her wrong; in all the scenarios she had envisioned, not one of them ended badly, and so she was finding this turn of events almost impossible to believe. She wanted to tell Emma all about her sessions with Dr. Hopper, about how she was coping better, how she rarely ever had anxiety attacks anymore. She wanted to explain to her why pushing her away was the biggest mistake she had ever done, and she wanted to tell her that she loved her, that she never stopped loving her, and that she didn't think she ever could.
She supposed it was too late for that now.
"I'm sorry, Regina," said Emma, her eyes looking into dark ones possibly for the last time. "I just can't get hurt again." As she turned around to leave, every atom in her body was screaming for her to remain, to forgive, to love again, but she was broken beyond repair this time. She was weak, and she couldn't handle any more pain.
"Emma, please," Regina pleaded, her voice breaking as the reality of the situation began to sink in. "Please, tell me how to fix this."
Emma didn't turn around to face her, her own tears forming a steady stream down her cheeks. She feared the sight of the woman she had been devoted to would shake her resolve. She turned the doorknob, and paused just as she was about to leave to whisper, "I don't know if you can."