The guitar riff started, and I leaned my head close to the mic, taking in one last peaceful breath.

"Stay..." I breathed into the mic. The guitar played a beat between. The audience fell silent.

"You'll leave me in the morning anyway." I closed my eyes, remembering again. Remembering was something I hated so very much, but this song always made me do it. The moments all came back to me: Tegan shaking me off of her as she left, Lindsey kissing me, all the fights and screams Tegan and I shared...

"My heart, you'll cut it out; you never liked me anyway..."

...all the times Tegan told me she hated me, just so that it would make it easier to leave. All the fans who spat on the ground in front of me after they all found out.

Tegan started in with her guitar along with the guy behind me. It wasn't Ted who was playing guitar, but I wish it was. This all felt so wrong without him. I pulled my head back, singing louder into the metal wand.

"Why do you take me down this road if you don't want to walk with me?"

The memory of when Tegan first arrived again at my house a few nights before, dragging me back into all the memories and feelings I spent so many years forgetting. And then I saw Lindsey at my door, and how Tegan left with her in a heartbeat. She just left. She didn't want to be with me. She was always right. I'm alone.

I chocked on the next lyrics, already becoming emotional about what I was saying.

"Why do you exit, go it alone when you could have just talked to me?"

All the years I spent alone, by myself in that tiny house - just to rot away without anything from my sister. I loved her so much, but she never showed it back when I truly needed it. I needed her, and she never was there.

"Now I'm all messed up-" I took a breath, easing into the words slowly and carefully, not yelling it like I used to, but speaking them with soft passion.

"-sick inside wondering where...where you're leaving your make-up."

Lindsey. I hated her so much. She got to hold Tegan every night while I cried myself to sleep in my dark, cold bedroom. She kept Tegan happy, but all she really was was a lying tramp. She didn't deserve the love Tegan laid down for her; she didn't deserve her at all.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside - wondering who..."

"...whose life you're making worthwhile.."

I always wanted to have been that girl, to be the one that she woke up to every morning. To see her beautiful smile in the early sunlight; to see her being happy because I was the one that she was with. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be it so badly.

Tegan played more quickly, and when I looked over at her, her eyes were closed. She had a stiff look to her as her arm beat against the guitar at fast pace.

I whimpered into the microphone, dragging out the word to almost a whisper. "Go...go...go if you want-" I took another breath, but the line came out crackly and sad. "-I can't stop you."

I remembered the feel of the glass window as I watched Tegan get into the car with Lindsey and drive off, never once looking back at me. I let her leave, but she wanted to. I couldn't stop it.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you..."

Tegan slowed her guitar, going back to the original pace she was at. I only wished I knew what was going through her head; it would answer so many questions.

"Stay, you come back to me always anyway.."

She promised. She promised me that she would come back. She had to have wanted me in some way then.

"Leave a mark, you said you never really loved her anyway..."

When she found out Lindsey cheated on her with that Victoria girl, she told me how much she loved me; she came back to me in tears and saying she only ever loved me. But she left with her, so how could have any of that been the truth? And how come she only confessed to me finally when things went to hell for her? I just fucking hated all of these emotions. I hated this. I hated thinking. I hated her. I hated her for making me feel this way, but I loved it all just at the same time.

Now the pace picked up, and so did I, becoming almost angry because of how sad I was. The words were loud and frustrated, making some of the audience recoil.

"Why do I take this lonely road, nobody here to walk with me?!" I pounded my fist on my chest, almost literally asking the people in front of me for the answer to the question. I needed it, because I hated being so alone in this world when I wanted only one other to be in it.

"Don't want to start fresh; all over again - why won't you just comfort me-?" I had to stop myself, because I almost finished that question with a name. The name of a girl that I was singing to. And when I looked over to the girl with that name, she was already looking back at me with a tear on her face. Our eyes met then, and suddenly I could sense her. I could sense her being near me - she was here. She was here with me, playing her guitar vigorously to the voice of my broken heart. She came. She was here for me.

I turned back to the mic in numbing shock, feeling my lungs burn as I sang loud.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering where.."

I needed her.

"...where you're leaving your make-up."

I wanted her.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wondering who..."

I wanted her to want me.

"...whose life you're making worthwhile."

And I hope that she needed me too.

"Go!" I screamed. "Go!" I screamed again, giving up the "acoustic" feel to the song. I needed to give out my emotions; all the depression and angst that had bottled up in my life for so many years.

"Go if you want! I can't stop you!" A tear dripped from my eyes, wanting to take back my words. I wanted her to stay, and I should have done something to keep her.

"Go if you want, I can't stop you-GO!" I yelled even louder. I just wanted her out of my sights if she was leaving, I wanted her here or gone forever. At least then my heart wouldn't have to suffer from seeing her all of the time - happy with someone else.

"Go! Go if you want...I can't stop you. Go if you want...I can't stop you.."

The guitars slowed, and I closed my eyes again, relaxing my muscles and mind, trying to pull myself away from the reality I was facing, and focus on the place I was in, and that I needed to stage it. A camera flash shined through my eyelids, making my face jump in surprise; it'd been a while.

"Now I'm all messed up.." I began slowly, all in one exhale, kind of like a sigh.

"...sick inside wonderin' where...where you're leavin' your make-up..."

Tegan's guitar picked up again.

"Now I'm all messed up, sick inside wonderin' who..."

I took a deep breath, getting ready for the reentry. I yelled the next line in an echo of voice, reaching out to the crowd so much that I had to squeeze my eyes shut as I leaned back on my heels.

"Whose life you're makin' worthwhile!"

The voice belched from me, and I could feel my hands shake I yelled the next, "GO! Go! Go if you want!-" I shook my head as I sung, feeling the tears dripping from my face. It was completely noticeable to the crowd probably, as now there was an abundance of flashes.

"-I can't stop you! Go if you want, I can't stop you.."

I didn't have a moment to catch my breath.

"Go!"

"Please stay!" Tegan called out after me. I glanced over at her as I sang again.

"Go!"

"Please Stay!" She called again, sounding terribly desperate. I turned to look at her as I sung the next line, and she was looking right back at me, eyes soaked with sadness as well. The look in her eyes made my voice crack, and the way she cried, "You'll go if you want to!" along after me made my heart jerk. It was like she was actually telling that to me, like, she knew how much she hurts me but she needs me to stay. She wanted me to stay.

Every time I yelled at her to go, she told me to stay. She wasn't going to let me leave her, even as much as I pushed her away because it just pained me too much to see her. I loved her, and I hoped she loved me back, but I just won't ever know that for sure unless she actually just tells me.

Tegan turned away from me and closed her eyes as she tilted her head back to finish the song in the mic.

An interview came back to me then, a few years earlier when we were talking about "track by track" of our Heartthrob album - a turn over of "Now I'm All Messed Up". A sentence Tegan said that didn't mean much to me then - heck, I was actually barely listening. But I remember it so well...she said, "You're telling someone to go, when it's obvious that you want them to stay."

I stood there on the stage, clutching my heart with my tongue and oozing my voice from my eyes as the words of Tegan ran through my mind. I wanted her to stay. I needed her to, but if I wanted to be happy then I needed to make her go. I couldn't keep seeing her face and letting her make me feel the way I do when I know we'll never be able to be together.

"...I can't stop you..." I whimpered into the mic, finishing the song. The audience cheered louder than I've ever heard a voice expel. I smiled at them, stepping back a little bit; moving forward again to say a short "thank you" into the mic.

I didn't even know how I managed to sing the song correctly with so many things rushing through my mind. I looked over at Tegan, who was looking at the ground, messing with her hair. I watched her to what felt like too long of a second, so I pulled my head away and walked back up to the mic.

The show continued with 2 more songs, and then we laughed and said our goodbyes to the screaming and (crying?) group of people. Tegan and I hurried behind stage, where a huge group of staff members greeted us with applause. I was taken aback by the group, but the smile on my face made theirs grow as well.

Mich pulled from the center of the crowd, walking up to us to hug both of both of our shoulders.

"I'm so proud of you girls; you really did it." He squeezed us hard, almost teary when he pulled away.

"Thanks Mich.." I said.

"It was for you." Tegan said with a happily sad thumbs up.

I sat in the back of the dressing room alone, taping on my cell phone, trying to cool down from the set. They had supplied us with clothing before the show, and I was so pleased when I discovered my favorite brown leather jacket, that was now rather loose on me. I managed to squeeze away from the crowd of people, and be able to just sit and rest my mind in this room. I wasn't sure where Tegan was – probably just talking to different people. As I sat, I reached into my jacket pocket to retrieve my lip balm, but nothing was their besides a piece of paper. I pulled it out to see that it was a folded piece of binder paper. I unfolded it, reading the words as a sweat bead dripped from my forehead. The words made my heart stop, and not in the good way. It hurt actually. My head felt light, and I braced my arm against the chair. I looked up at myself in the mirror in front of me, looking at the expression on my face.

I looked back down at the paper, reading the words again as I closed my eyes and felt my conscience ease but at the same time, burden itself a hundred more times.

"Sara,

I know things are going bad right now, but I need you to know something. No matter what happens to us; no matter what I ever do to you - I love you. Please always remember that. And when you find this, keep remembering it. I'm sorry this had to all happen.

- Your sister,

Tegan October 14th, 2014"

The date. The next day; that year, our band broke up. And Tegan knew it. She left me a letter and I hadn't discovered it until now – fifteen years later.

Fifteen years too late.