EDITED. Catherine's POV
Sara's back.
I thought there wasn't another opportunity. She always makes me believe there isn't going to be another chance. Then she comes back. She lets me in. She calls a truce. What we have is never really over. It's never goodbye forever.
There is time for change. Slow and progressive.
For now though there is no us. There is no friendship. There is no relationship. It is Sara and I. Two separate people with two separate lives. Lives that intersect at a common ground; work.
That is how she reentered my life. My life and my broken heart. At work. She hasn't left my mind. Her presence around me has remained strong for the past three weeks. I was beginning to move on. Push her away. Rid myself of the memories she left me.
I'm not certain what I feel. Joy? Anger? Sorrow? Desire? Lust? Love? Or a combination of these that creates a concoction so powerful that it simply leaves me numb…
We are a few blocks away from the scene. Gil is driving and Sara is in the back seat. Gil hasn't talked to me about anything that doesn't pertain to work since Sara showed up at the lab drunk. Sara has only acknowledged my presence in the break room. I can tell she doesn't know what to say. Neither do I.
I flip the mirror in front of me down and proceed to quickly check my makeup. I lock eyes with Sara in the mirror and a small smile grazes her lips. I snap it shut with a stoic expression. A voice in my head continues to whisper not again.
Up ahead a swarm of media blocks the street. Flashing blue and red lights engulf the perimeter. I can see Brass standing waiting for us next to a man covered in blood. Jim doesn't know Sara is back yet. He will be thrilled to see her and Sara to see him.
At the sight of the man next to Brass I grab the information we have and skim over it. Four words stick out. Possible domestic abuse involved. Sara. If she suspects any hints of abuse she is going to become engrossed in this case. "Gil who's Lead CSI on this case?"
"Me. Unless you want to be?"
"I ne… I want to be lead."
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"What the fuck Catherine!" I sigh. I knew it was coming. Best to play ignorant in this situation. I gaze over at Sara when I stop at a red light. Grissom sensed trouble and decided to make himself invisible in the back seat. He is probably regretting making me the Lead CSI.
I watch Sara's jaw flex in anger. "What have I done Sara?"
I start to drive again. "You know exactly what you've done Catherine. It is what you always do. Flaunt you're seniority."
"That is not what I was doing," I reply with the same forceful tone.
"Oh yeah? Then please tell me what you were attempting to do when you interrupted my questioning of Jones, and sent me to process the perimeter."
"There were hints of long term domestic abuse, and I didn't want you to get too involved and forceful with Jones!" I had ordered Sara to process Peter Jones on the porch with Brass, and then entered the house with Gil to discover two badly beaten children dead in their rooms, and the wife beaten and stabbed to death in the living room. When it comes to children we all get defensive and emotional. Throw in domestic abuse and it's possible that Sara's guilt would have pushed her way beyond her limits.
"So you are telling me you do not believe me to be capable of doing my job!?! You think I can't remain objective!"
"That's not at all what I was thinking then, and is not what I am thinking now Sara!"
"Next time just let me do my job Catherine and I'll let you do yours."
"I'm sorry for CARING ABOUT YOU!" I can see a million emotions flashing across Sara's face out of the corner of my eye. She remains silent and stares out of the window.
I pull into the parking lot and Grissom practically dives out of the car before I finish parking. I notice Sara has turned her attention back to me. I lock eyes with her. I've missed their chocolaty depths. "What?" I snap.
"Thank you," she says quietly before leaving me alone in the Tahoe.
I turn off the engine and get out hoping to catch Sara, but she has already gone inside with her evidence.
Grissom is standing waiting for me. I grab my evidence out of the back and walk over to him. "Well that could have been worse. I think you two have made progress."
I send him a look that clearly states I believe he has lost his mind.
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"You going out again tonight Cath?" Nick's voice comes from behind me.
"I'm planning on it," I reply as I continue to use the mirror in my locker to apply makeup.
"Well you're looking smoking as usual girl. Have fun. See you guys later." A chorus of 'bye Rick's' follow him out the door.
"See ya Cath." I turn and send Nick and Greg a smile as they walk out of the room. The only person I have yet to see before leaving is Sara. She has been avoiding me at all possible costs after our argument in the car. We have worked in silence when forced to work together which means we have moved along on the case nicely.
Still a kick ass team as always. Two sharp women are better than one. Even sharper if we are talking.
Luckily Grissom is talking to me again so I haven't been bored out of my mind. I don't know what changed his mind. I'm guessing it has to be something Sara said to him, because no matter how many times I tried to explain what is going on between Sara and I he wouldn't listen. He assumed it is a lovers' quarrel.
Grabbing my purse I head toward the door. Being too lost in my thoughts I don't notice Sara until I'm about to run right into her. She is standing in the doorway blocking it. I can't look her in the eye. "Sara you're blocking the doorway."
"Don't go out tonight."
"Excuse me!?!" I try to move past her, but she shifts her body.
"You heard me. Don't go out tonight. Go spend some time with Lindsay before she has to go to school."
"You can't tell me what to do Sara. You forfeited that right the moment you stopped our friendship."
"I'm not telling you; I'm asking you," Her tone is quieter. Caring. Our bodies are too close. I can feel the heat she's causing in me traveling downward. I can smell her sweet sent. It still has its calming effect on me. I try to ignore it, but it is invading my senses.
"Only this one time. Please Catherine." I can feel my heart bleeding for the woman in front of me once again.
"Why are you doing this Sara? Why can't you just let me go?" Sara takes a deep breath. I can tell she is thinking about how to answer all of my questions.
"Because I care about you." I gaze upward and immediately regret my actions. As our eyes lock the emotions in those dark pools are overwhelming. Love. Concern. Guilt. "Please Cat," she whispers.
I have never been able to say no to Sara. Not easily. Not directly. "Okay."
"You won't go out?" Her voice is full of skepticism and disbelief. She was prepared for a fight. I would have been to.
But Sara's not just anyone. Not to me. I can't say no.
"Yeah. I won't go out. Not tonight." Sara moves to the side and I brush against her as I leave. Not looking back. Not listening to the tiny voice inside me screaming not again.
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It's been a while since I've been the one to wake Linzz up in the morning. I have to admit that I miss it. Sitting on the bed next to her I smile at her peaceful expression. I hate to be the one to wipe it off her face, but Lindsay takes a while to get ready for school.
I sent my mom home for some rest in her own bed. She refuses to sleep in my bed insisting that I will come home after work each night and want to sleep in it. So she sleeps on the couch. Which while comfortable for naps isn't comfortable to sleep on all night, every night.
I place my hand on Lindsay's shoulder. "Linzz sweetie, it's time to wake up."
She opens her eyes briefly, and then they shoot back open. Glancing at me she looks around the room with an expression of confusion. When her eyes return to me she is still just as confused. "Mom?"
I can't help but chuckle. My little girl is too cute sometimes. "Yeah Linzz?"
"What are you doing here? You are usually at a bar. Are you feeling okay? Did something happen at work?"
"No." I think of Sara. That is something, but not the something she is concerned about at the moment. "Nothing happened at work. Why? You don't like to see me first thing in the morning?"
She rolls her eyes, "Of course I like to see you in the morning." I sit watching her as she thinks, and then a light in her eyes alerts me that something has clicked.
"You should get dressed. What do you want for breakfast?"
"Ummm what about pancakes?" She asks looking unsure of her request.
"With chocolate chips?" She nods a small smile touching her lips. "Chocolate chip pancakes it is."
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I turn as I hear Lindsay stumbling down the stairs. "You're looking a little more awake."
She smiles at me and sits down at the table. "You're looking a little too sexy for work. Why aren't you at the bar?"
"I wanted to spend some time with you." Partial truth. I hear Lindsay's cell phone vibrating. I turn back to the stove, but listen intently.
"Hello? Hey!...Yep with me right now. Okay…oh hey, thank you…well you needed it. I don't have any more ideas on how to fix it though. It's up to you to figure it out now…I've tried. Okay. I'll talk to you later. I love you too. Bye."
Well that was rather cryptic. Since she said I love you there are only a few people it could be. I'm going to go with the most likely choice. Her girlfriend. "Jay?" I ask as I pass Lindsay her plate.
"Ummm. Yeah, yeah it was Jay." I glance at her. She is avoiding my eyes. Which most likely means it wasn't. I dismiss the thought of interrogating her when she asks, "So what did you think about Sara being back at work?" How did she…? Do I want to know?
"Ummm. I'm not certain yet. How did you know Sara is back at work? I hadn't said anything."
"Oh ummm right." Her face is covered with guilt.
"Lindsay Willows what did you do?"
"Nothing… these are good pancakes."
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Setting my beer down on the coffee table I get up to answer the door. Opening it there is a man standing in front of me holding a bouquet of flowers. "Catherine Willows?"
"Yes."
"These are for you." He hands me the flowers then turns around and leaves. I stand in the doorway looking down at the flowers; puzzled. Maybe there was a mistake at the flower shop. I have no one that would be sending me flowers. Closing the door I search for the card. Finding it I set the flowers in the middle of the kitchen table. Opening the small envelope I read. Thank you for keeping your word to me and not going out.-Sara
How did she know I didn't go out? I understand her thinking that I only said I wouldn't go to get her to let me through. Her idea of me spending time with Lindsay this morning was much more appealing than spending it with a stranger.
'Yeah with me right now.' Lindsay. She was talking to Sara this morning. No wonder she didn't tell me who she was talking to. She was uncertain what my reaction would be. I assumed she wasn't talking to Sara. I haven't tried to stop her, but when I asked her before if she was Lindsay seem extremely mad at Sara. I guess Linzz has gotten over whatever was bothering her.
Does this mean Sara wants to give our friendship another chance? Is that why she came back to work? For me? It's the only place she would see me if she chose to. I don't think it is. I'm not good enough a reason. Then what for? To see the guys again? I know it's not to rekindle what she had with Grissom. She told me it wasn't the right kind of love on her part. For what?
For us?
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"Catherine and Sara you have a suspicious circs." What the hell is Gil trying to do? Cause me to die of misery? I haven't said anything to Sara about the flowers. I don't know what to say. Sara hasn't anything to me either. She hasn't even sent a glance my way. I've sent plenty her way.
No matter how much I hate it, in a way I am still attached to Sara. After everything I still want to be with her. I want to be her friend. I miss her. The feeling of completeness I get with only her hand. The smiles she can bring to my face. The way she loves Lindsay and Jay as her own. I miss everything about Sara, but clearly she doesn't seem to be having the same dilemma I'm having.
Sara takes the slip Grissom passes her and walks out of the room without a word to me. I guess that's my cue to follow her so that we can get to the scene. "Good luck," Greg whispers as I pass him. I stop next to him pretending to tie my shoe when I can tell he has more he wants to say. "She's in a bad mood today. I think she woke up on the wrong side of the bed with a hangover." Lucky me.
"Thanks for the heads up," I whisper back before rushing out of the room to catch up with Sara. If Sara has a hangover that most likely means she has not slowed down her drinking schedule at all. Now she just fits it around work. I was hoping her being in the lab would help her with her problem, but that was obviously wishful thinking.
I come to a stop at Sara's side. She has been waiting for me outside the lab. We stand eyes locked. "Thanks for the flowers Sara they were beautiful."
She nods. "You ready to go?" She asks before walking away not waiting for my reply. This is going to be a long shift.
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After a stressful shift I am looking forward to going out and unwinding. Taking one last glance in the mirror I start turn to grab my purse and notice Sara. Leaning against the doorframe. I walk toward her and she doesn't budge. Her quiet voice reaches my ears, "Don't go out tonight."
"Well now someone feels like talking."
"Catherine, please don't go out."
"Why should I listen to you Sara? You said yesterday 'only this one time.'" I've moved closer to her; preparing to force my way out of the locker room. She's not talking me out of this today. She might have yesterday, but not today. I need it too much.
Working with Sara has brought back all of my feelings for her. I had begun to bury them. Preparing to store them away and ignore them for the rest of my life. I know I can never have Sara. The thought is torture. I will have to settle for the next best thing. "Just this one time, please Cat." Cat. Something special between Sara and I. If she wasn't Sara I would bite her head off for calling me that.
"Why is this so important to you Sara? It's my life and if I fuck it up it's really not your problem. Not anymore."
"Going out is hurting you Catherine. Am I wrong?" I open my mouth to reply, but I know she is right so I close it. I cross my arms over my chest. Rushing to put all of my walls up. Sara gets to me. She can penetrate all of my defenses, but I won't let her without putting up a fight. "I don't want to see you hurting anymore than you already are Catherine."
"Why?" I know her answer, but I need to hear it from her. I need reassurance that not all is lost. I need her to admit she still has some kind of feelings for me no matter how little. Even if it is anger at least I know I am not dead to her. I still exist somewhere inside of her.
"Because I care about you Cat."
I nod, and look her straight in the eyes. " I won't go out."
I'm giving in. No isn't an option when it comes to Sara. I know she won't give up if I tell her no. She will continue until she gets a yes. No matter how long it takes. She pushes my boundaries. Knowingly and not knowing. To make things better, and make me a better person. I know she has her reasons. Just like I used to have my reasons to push her. Those reasons have morphed though, into something different. Unfamiliar territory that I have to discover as I go along.
Sara moves without another word.
Walking down the hall I chance a look back at Sara. She is standing watching me glumly. Our eyes meet. I send her a small, sad smile not attempting to hide my despair.
As I exit the lab the little voice inside is whispering don't let her in. Not again.
TBC...