Chapter 18

The cats sat in the clearing, almost surrounding the black tom as he glared at each of them in turn. He didn't enjoy this, almost as if he was being interrogated and Fallingpaw could see it within the tom's one eye. Even though he agreed to talk now, he was fairly angry that he seemed to be held at claw-point every step of the way.

"You don't know what happened," Darkfire growled lowly, his eye finally closing.

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He opened his one eye slowly, his other bleeding profusely from the scratch he had received moments earlier. Darkfire could feel the blood pouring down his muzzle, touching his lips and sliding down his whiskers. His sides hurt, now permanently scarred from the black cat's attacks. Everything seemed to hurt now, shoulder to shoulder to even his chin as he looked up, silent in his movement.

Ahead of him were several cats, but one truly caught his eye. The black cat on the ground, continuing to bleed just as profusely as his eye. Blood was splattered all over the rocks, the past day felt like a dream. Now, Darkfire was lucid, and fear gripped the very heart of his body, twitching with his life in it's claws.

Coughing, he spit up several droplets of blood, the taste filled with metals and salt. His eye widened and he pulled away silently, heading towards the darkness of the cleft. His claws scratched the surface gently, and he pulled into the darkness with the silence of an assassin. There was almost no sound, especially none that the cats nearby could hear. Darkfire didn't care who they were, he just had to get away.

I killed her… I did it… I'm free! Darkfire thought, pride filling his mind for several long heartbeats. I… I'm finally free! I can go explore the world, do what I want to do! Darkfire started to laugh, his pawsteps silent as the voice didn't return to him now. That manipulative piece of fox-dung was probably dead, and Darkfire was glad to be away from it all. No more Starclan! No more of this prophecy stuff! No more of this Sol character! Everything is finished… Dewstep, can you see me from where you are? You're probably dead-

"Hollyleaf!"

The voice carried over the Moonpool, Darkfire stopping, the voice having been broken up and filled with all kinds of pain. Both physical and emotional. Be happy, Dewstep… She's dead, you're free to do whatever you want… Darkfire tried not to laugh any louder than he already was, however, regret would soon wash over as he looked at his claws, bloodied with that of his own kin. The idea had slowly began to push Darkfire down, his darkness feeling as if it was engulfing him and choking him. Now he couldn't stop laughing, it hurt to laugh but he continued anyways.

What am I doing? Why am I laughing? Darkfire thought as tears began to pour down his cheeks and whiskers, mixing with the blood that coated half of his face. I'm in so much pain, how can I be laughing? Darkfire tried to breathe deeply, only to laugh more with uncontrollability. It hurts… it all hurts… this night is the night of pain…

Darkfire quickly pushed himself further out into the forest, his laughing dying quickly after as he growled to himself. Herbs… I need to find herbs… Darkfire thought quickly, his paws quickly moving over bushes until he found cobweb, leaves, and several herbs for infection. Can't get infected… Can't get infected… I just can't. I'm free and I will not be taken down by disease.

Darkfire unsheathed the claws on his left paw, keeping the herbs close with his right as the clouds barreled overhead of him, covering the moon now. He pressed a claw gently above his ripped eye, feeling his blood pump through his system and warm his body, relaxing himself. It'll only sting for a moment, he told himself several times over, puncturing his eyelid without any problems. Pain shot through his entire head, his ears ringing. It doesn't sting. It doesn't sting. He shifted the claw, feeling how round his eye was and dug it behind his eye. It doesn't sting. It doesn't sting. It will not and will never sting.

The pain had been incredibly hard to bear, Darkfire breathing heavily and trying not to curse. He pulled his paw back, feeling and hearing the ripping and tearing sounds inside the socket as he ripped out the remains of what was left. His other eye burst in tears as his vision went entirely black on the opposite side. There had been little vision left, most of it had been black anyways, but now there was nothing.

Relax… It's just blood and pain… Can't get any worse…

He wiped his only eye and looked at the white and red remains on the ground. What was left of the yellow coloring stared back up at him, dark… lifeless now. Scarlet blood dripped down his face, covering the yellow of his former eye. Part of him wanted to puke as he remembered how much he used to want to see the blood of those who betrayed the code. Now he was seeing his own blood, and he realized he would die if he didn't get a move on.

Working expertly with only half his vision and trying to keep his paws still, he trickled a poultice into his eye (almost missing several times, his depth perception incredibly unbalanced). When he finally got the poultice in, he cried out in pain, laughing again. The pain became funny now, or maybe that was just every little broken piece of the tom tearing itself further apart.

Darkfire quickly wrapped his eye in a patch (twolegs might consider him a pirate cat… he wouldn't know this) and he coughed a bit more, looking around now as a headache began to form. His skull was pounded into, feeling as if it was cracking and breaking.

Why did Dewstep try and save that Shadowclan traitor? I thought he was my brother… Darkfire growled lowly to himself, limping away slowly. Where do I go from here…? Freedom is what I have, now what do I do with it? Shaking his head again, he moved a few paces to his right before finding a large break in the treeline. It had led back down to the lake clans, those clans whose skills were passed on to Darkfire, skills with which he hated his own mother for.

Now he could remember her claws (or lack thereof) tear into his flesh and rip his fur to shreds. He hadn't realized how many cuts he had until he looked, seeing the blood coating his black fur, blackening it further into the color of a void. The night sky was brighter than his fur currently was, even with the clouds and the rainfall slowly starting. It was coming down hard, as if crying for the cat who had lost his way, his sight. Darkfire could begin to understand now.

An eye for an eye… Darkfire growled to himself, taking a deep breath and watching the lake through the trees. The moor was to his left, Riverclan further that way. Thunderclan was to his right, further was his former clan. I lost my way, didn't I…? Darkfire felt tears form in his one eye, he biting his lip. I killed because I wanted to be free, but I was killing and became trapped because of it. Is this Starclan's way of inviting me back? Showing me this break in the trees and trying to prove to me that I am worthy of some sort of redemption? Who are they to decide who gets redeemed and who doesn't? I lost my sight because I lost my vision of my future. I don't have a future, especially not with the clans. Darkfire's gaze rested on Shadowclan territory. Especially not with the clan I convinced to kill one of their own. Tigerheart…

Darkfire could now envision what he had maybe a moon earlier. To watch Tigerheart's body slip under the surface of the water, it was such a tantalizing victory to have a vision of, and Darkfire wanted it. Now he couldn't remember why. Was it for the blood? The glory of the kill? Did I really want to be free? Darkfire thought, not realizing he had been standing there so long as to see cats at the very bottom. Their silhouettes moved slowly with their heads lowered, moonlight appearing from the clouds for barely a moment.

At the bottom was Dewstep, his gray fur flowing with the wind, thick and glossy. His eyes could not be seen, but Darkfire wondered if he could see tears on the young cat's cheeks. My little brother… I have betrayed you, haven't I…? Of course I have. You saw through Hollyleaf since the beginning, I bet, because you were always intuitive. You have a great moral sense, I see it now.

Dewstep faltered in step, his eyes opening as he stopped and looked at the lake. I'm so far behind you… Darkfire stopped growling now, the entire distance between him and Dewstep entirely silent now. The rain even began to stop, Dewstep barely had a drop on him (from what Darkfire thought he could see) and his body remained still for a moment before the head turned. The green eyes of Dewstep's were shining a bright light down the break in the trees, looking directly at Darkfire.

Don't bring me with you, Darkfire thought, wondering if Dewstep could read his thoughts. I'm alone, and you'll never be able to help me. Darkfire knew that Dewstep could see him, and he had moved his face just a bit so that Dewstep couldn't see the leaves over his eye. A purposeful movement, he wasn't going to show weakness, even now. I can't be helped. Not by you and not by our mother.

There was a long pause, then Dewstep gave the slightest bow of his head as another cat came more into view. A she-cat with beautiful gray and white fur. What was her name…? I saw her at the gathering, I think… Ivypool, was it? Sister of Dovewing…

Darkfire watched Ivypool press her face into Dewstep's chest, as if to calm the cat. Only Dewstep knew he was there, he could feel it. You found a mate, she's pretty… Probably one of the many reasons you found yourself enjoying being with the clans when you were the one who started off not wanting to come here. Isn't that right, brother…? Another silent nod from the tom down the way, a barely visible motion that Darkfire almost didn't notice. The power of love is a strong emotion, one that I would never know…

"What about Dawnpelt?" Darkfire asked himself, Dewstep's ear flicking once, as if he heard. You cared for Dawnpelt, didn't you? Darkfire asked again, not knowing if the words were his or Dewstep's. I do, he responded, slowly pulling away and glancing once at the darkened forest nearby. But I can't be seen here anymore, she will find someone else without me. I know this, because I'm not important to your story, Dewstep. We will never meet again, and I will never see Dawnpelt again. I can come to terms with this, it is my punishment for my mouse-brained actions.

Looking back at Dewstep, the tom was slowly walking away, not smiling still and trembling to his core. I'm sorry, Dewstep, but this is how it would always go. You know this, no matter what happened… I bet in another time, another place, I would have clawed your throat anyways. The scar was meant to be there, you look… nice, with it. Getting clawed the way I did you wasn't the best, but the scar seems to fit you, even if it seems out of place to anyone else.

Darkfire watched them pad away, before he turned away now and tried to remember the last time he saw Dewstep smile in front of him. Was it when we were talking about kit names? Which one of us listed off a bunch of tree names? I can't remember anymore… It feels so long ago…

When they were apprentices, Darkfire remembered how happy he had been at the time, something he hadn't felt since he left Hollyleaf's side in Tanglewood.

Must I find peace in Tanglewood before I am truly free? Darkfire thought as he glanced one more time into the light of the moon, shining down on the shoreline. His heart felt as if it was still gripped by the chaos, and he swallowed slowly, as if trying to wash it away. Will I never be truly free until I make peace with my chaos? My fire? I'm mortal, I know this… Darkfire turned away. The light would never accept me back, no matter what I did…

He quickly disappeared into the bushes, clearing his way around the clans and staying away from them. When he reached the outer edges of Riverclan territory, he turned his back on the lake. I will never come back, there is no reason for me too, not now and not ever. Darkfire padded up towards the Thunderpath, on the other side was a day's journey to Tanglewood. I will go back and find what my purpose is… if I even have one…

The next moon had been spent alone, until one cat revealed himself to be Raven, Darkfire's father. They had talked at first, but Darkfire had begun steering clear of his group of cats. They are too much like a clan, Darkfire thought at first, not enjoying being so close to them. They were nice cats, for sure, but Darkfire didn't want clan life to follow him.

Starclan… Stop giving me these chances, I hate that you have given me something I don't deserve. I ended one life and almost ended two more, this is not the life I want… Darkfire eventually found himself face-to-face with his father, who practically glared at him.

"I don't want this," Darkfire explained quietly. "I never wanted to be part of mother's clan life, I just want to be on my own." Darkfire slowly cut the patch over his eye and let it drop in front of Raven, whose ear flicked and his gaze softened. "I love Tanglewood, it is my home… but it is hard to live here with so many cats around and you acting like a leader. It reminds me far too much of the clans, and you know how I feel about them."

Raven sighed before nodding. "I love the idea of clan life, but I can't force you to stay either. You're more alike to your mother than you think, you have her manipulative voice, that's for sure. Your posture is almost always like hers. But you're better than she is, I have a feeling you want to find out who you are." Raven stood up and went to leave the den, pausing at the entrance. "I'm going to see Dewstep, you can come with."

No, Darkfire thought, lowering his head. He wouldn't want to see me, and neither would his clan. Tigerheart is probably living in Thunderclan now too, I'd rather stick away from all that. Too much drama, might cause another headache if you don't shut up about me going. Darkfire awaited the lecture that he should go see his brother, but nothing came. Only the sound of pawsteps as Raven left the den, leaving Darkfire alone in the room. Thank you, that was all I wanted…

Now Darkfire remembered his last eye contact with Dewstep, the way they spoke without opening their mouths. It was silent, and that's what Darkfire enjoyed about it.

Then his heart ached as he imagined Dawnpelt, the one who could never decide whose side she was on. His or Tigerheart's. Darkfire remembered her voice, even now, how soft it was when she spoke to him and how scared she was when Tawnypelt attacked him. She attacked because I had a story that didn't satisfy her, and I apparently speak in my sleep… Something didn't add up to that cat and she didn't like that I was there and Hollyleaf wasn't. She would have asked where Hollyleaf was, and if I had green eyes, who knows what would've happened that night?

Darkfire remembered Tawnypelt's bloodied body slipping over the precipice, death waiting below. Dawnpelt cried out beside him as he stood still, enjoying Tawnypelt screaming until she reached the bottom. To this day, Darkfire didn't know if he heard a crack of Tawnpelt's bones crying in agony or not, but he hated the thought now.

Tawnypelt was one critical cat, she looked deeper into things that seemed normal and she dared to fight against me for the sake of her clan… Possibly Thunderclan too, but I don't know about that one. I was a danger, a threat she didn't enjoy having around. If only my body kept its mouth shut…

It was far too late, and Darkfire could've imagined the death and destruction it caused. We were searching for Sol, I should've pushed Dawnpelt along with Tawnypelt. I only needed one to come with me at the time… No, it would've caused more death than I want, no cat deserved death by my claws. Not even Hollyleaf… Darkfire found tears streaming down his face, he hadn't even had a chance to kill her, yet he knew it was his fault for being so easily manipulated by the spirit. He couldn't define the spirit clearly, but the dark aura had fed on him and he knew it now.

Sighing, Darkfire turned around and padded out of the den, avoiding the other cats in the clearing and quietly stalking away. He barely remembered their names and barely cared to remember them, they weren't his clanmates and they never would be. Darkfire continued until he disappeared in the bushes, taking a deep breath as he imagined Dawnpelt's pelt brushing his, her tail curling around his own.

The thought brought a tear to his eye and he brushed it away with a growl. I miss her, but I ruined her… Her life was destroyed because of me, and she's probably with another mate now, having forgotten about me. I am worthless to everyone and live only to feed myself and my greed. That's what I am and I know it, I can't save a life. I take lives. I will always take lives, and one day, I will probably take my own… Poetic, is it not…?

Darkfire's thoughts moved to Dewstep. Are you living well, brother…? Do you have kits of your own, and are you living with your mate happily? Ivypool, was it not? She is probably a perfect mate for you, Dewstep… Darkfire sighed, knowing it had been moons and moons since he could smile last with really happiness.

Dewstep… Live well for me… Live well…

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Fallingpaw kept her ears perked as she listened to Darkfire speak his story, eyes widened as he finished and explained how after two more moons, he ended up in front of these clan cats.

"I don't want any part of clan life," Darkfire finished, looking away now. "I told you that and I never will want any of it." His ears flicked, as did his tail. "I'm happy to hear that Dawnpelt is alive with kits, even if they are my own and even if one is confirmed to hate me. If she kills me, I wouldn't mind an end like that."

Fallingpaw looked up towards the sky - which was still blocked by the trees. She gave his long story some thought before she took a deep breath and sighed a bit. "The clans need you, Darkfire… It is your choice whether you come or not, just as it is my choice for whatever you tell me. Starclan sent me here for a reason, I want to get that reason and save the clans the best that I can. So Darkfire… As much as you don't want to help the clans, why not help the one you love most then?"

Darkfire paused a moment, his teeth grinding together before he gave his answer...