Olivia woke up a few days later to find water seeping beneath the bathroom door. She jumped up and ran to the washroom, wondering what had happened and where Alex was.
Alex was on the ground, tears mingling with the water as she tried unsuccessfully to bail out the water splashing over the edge. Olivia surmised that she'd left the tap on for too long and the water had started to flood.
"It's okay, baby," Olivia said quietly when she noticed Alex's fear. "I'll do it." She started to clean up the washroom with a few towels and had soon finished up.
Alex hung her head as she got to her feet and started for the closet. Trembling from head to toe, she took one of Olivia's thick leather belts and brought it out to her, kneeling at Olivia's feet with her eyes lowered and handing her the belt.
Olivia stared at it and then at Alex, wondering why Alex had fetched one of her belts and why she was on her knees beside the bed. "Alex?" she asked hesitantly.
Alex flinched and set the belt on Olivia's lap. With shaking hands, she lifted her shirt and bent over the bed, waiting for the first blow.
But Olivia didn't hit her. Minutes passed, and finally she dared to lift her head. Olivia was sitting on the other side of the bed, watching Alex, silent tears leaking from her eyes as she held the belt limply in her lap.
Alex was confused. Olivia hadn't hit her and it didn't seem like she was going to. Alex didn't understand. She'd done something wrong and she had to be punished, otherwise she'd never learn. Why wasn't Olivia whipping her?
Olivia got up off the bed and went to her closet. Alex wondered what she was getting, but she didn't dare to move from her spot on the bed to find out. She didn't want Olivia to have to punish her even more.
Olivia returned carrying every single one of her belts and Alex's breathing hitched. Was Olivia looking for a different belt to hit her with? Had Alex chosen the wrong one?
But still, Olivia didn't hurt her. She picked up a pair of scissors from her bedside table and slowly, deliberately cut every single one of her belts into two pieces, and then into fourths. Tears continued to streak down her cheeks as she further dismembered the belts, then lifted them and threw them into the trash can in their bedroom. She picked up the garbage bag and carried it out of the room. Alex heard the apartment door open and close, but still, she didn't move. She just waited.
Finally Olivia returned. She sat down beside Alex, but she didn't touch her, and Alex squirmed on the bed, trying to swallow her fear and stay still as she knew was expected of her. Was Olivia going to use something else? A wire hanger perhaps? A crop?
But Olivia didn't hit her. She took a deep breath and said gently, her voice barely a whisper, "They're gone now, Alex. All gone. And you know I would never, ever hurt you, princess. Never. I love you."
Alex stayed perfectly still, not understanding what Olivia was telling her. The detective still hadn't hit her, and Alex thought that maybe Olivia wasn't going to. But why not? She'd done something wrong and she needed to be punished.
She finally dared to raise her head, and when she did, she saw that Olivia was still crying. She wanted to comfort her, but then she lowered her eyes again, realizing that she'd made Olivia cry. Was what she'd done that bad? She hadn't meant to upset Olivia. But now . . . now she deserved whatever Olivia did to her.
She flinched when she felt Olivia's hand on her back, but then she realized that Olivia was only pulling her shirt down. But why was Olivia going easy on her? She deserved a punishment for what she'd done. "Come sit with me, Alex," she murmured, holding out her hand.
Alex hesitated, holding her breath. Was it over? Wasn't Olivia going to hit her?
"It's okay," encouraged Olivia. "It's okay, Alex. Come sit with me."
Tentatively, Alex took Olivia's outstretched hand and let the detective pull her up beside her. She stayed as far away from Olivia as she could without being disobedient.
"Can I hug you?" Olivia asked softly, understanding that Alex didn't want to be touched right now but wanting to do so anyway, to reassure herself as much as Alex.
Alex nodded hesitantly, allowing Olivia to fold her limp body into a warm embrace. But she tensed as Olivia's arms wrapped around her and couldn't help her shaking.
Olivia instantly let go when she noticed Alex's body trembling. "Okay, Alex. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, princess. I will never hurt you." Then she stopped, uncertain whether or not she'd been doing the wrong thing all along. "Alex, what he did to you . . . that was wrong. No one should ever hit you. You don't deserve for anyone to ever hurt you, and I will never, ever do that to you."
Alex looked away. She didn't understand. When she did something wrong, or when she upset Olivia, she had to be punished, or else she would never learn. Sometimes she did deserve it. But now Olivia didn't have anything to punish her with, because she'd gotten rid of the belts, and it was Alex's fault.
She got up again, trying to decide whether she'd prefer the hanger or the hairbrush. She finally went into the washroom and rummaged around for the straight-backed hairbrush she knew Olivia kept in the cupboard. Olivia had never used it on her before, but she knew how it felt, because her master had hit her with it when she was still with him.
She brought the hairbrush back out to Olivia and knelt once again, waiting for Olivia to take it, but the detective didn't. She just stared at Alex, wide-eyed. There were so many triggers in their apartment, and she hadn't known. But while Olivia could throw out her belts, she couldn't throw out her hairbrushes and her hangers and everything else that might set Alex off, simply because she wasn't sure what those things were.
"No, honey," whispered Olivia, lifting Alex's chin so the ADA was looking into her eyes. "Put that back, Alex. I'm not going to hurt you." She didn't know how she was going to fix this. Alex's signals were so crossed right now, and she was almost as afraid as Alex was. She wanted to help, but she didn't know how. "Alex, when someone loves you, they don't hurt you. They don't make you do things you don't want to do. They don't scare you or say nasty things or do anything you don't feel comfortable with them doing. And Alex, I love you."
Alex lowered her eyes again, half in confusion and half in shame. If Olivia didn't punish her, how would she ever learn? She just didn't understand. But Olivia was saying she loved her. How could Olivia love her? She was damaged goods, and Olivia deserved better.
"Put that away, honey," Olivia said gently, urging the hairbrush back into Alex's hands. "It's okay. You don't have to be afraid. Nobody's ever going to hurt you again, Alex. Never."
As soon as Olivia told her to, Alex got up, almost robotically. She carried the hairbrush back to the washroom and put it away, then returned to the bedroom, standing awkwardly before Olivia, not daring to sit down as if she was Olivia's equal. She wasn't.
Olivia's chocolate eyes were deep pools of sadness. She pulled Alex onto her lap and held her tightly. Alex cringed, wanting to push Olivia away but not daring to do so.
Olivia gently rubbed her back, and gradually Alex relaxed. Olivia wasn't going to hurt her, and on some level she knew that, but she felt like she deserved to be punished for upsetting Olivia. She knew Olivia didn't blame her, but still, she was afraid.
Olivia kissed the base of Alex's neck. "I think the water's probably cold by now, honey. Do you want me to drain the tub for you and run you a new bath?"
Alex shook her head. She tried to get up off Olivia's lap, but Olivia was holding her too tightly, and Alex tensed. She shook her head again, hoping Olivia would understand, and she did. When she let go, Alex scampered into the living room, lying down on the floor beneath the couch and curling up on her side, wrapping her arms around herself as she cried, silently, because she didn't want Olivia to notice and ask her what was wrong. She just needed to be alone right now.
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