"You're sleeping with Cuddy."
"What?" House looked around him as he entered Wilson's office. "Are you talking to me?"
"She was at your place this morning."
"Cuddy? No, she wasn't."
Wilson glared at him from behind his desk. "Yes, she was! You can't fool me, House. Something is going on between the two of you."
"Besides hatred and loathing?"
Wilson rolled his eyes.
"Okay, technically something happened last night with Cuddy."
"I knew it."
"But it's not what you think. I mean she came over my apartment last night and…and…"
"And?"
"And we looked deep into each other's eyes and…"
"And?"
"And then I pushed her up against a wall and…"
Wilson was on the edge of his seat. "And? For God's sake, spit it out."
"Actually she swallows."
"Wilson shook his head. What?"
"You're the one asking for all the details." House mimicked Wilson's voice. "And? And? And?"
"So…you had a good time?"
House snorted. "Yeah. Let's just that Cuddy would make one hell of a Head Nurse," he pointed down at his crotch and winked, "because she was all about giving me some serious southern comfort."
"And she had a good time too?"
"I don't want to brag or anything but she made the "O" face at least a dozen or so times."
"Wow! This is big House!"
"Yeah, that's what she said."
"I meant, you and Cuddy."
House corrected him. "Technically, Cuddy and I."
"I don't get it. Why do you keep saying technically? Either you hooked up or you didn't."
"Oh, our coupling happened last night. But, as Foremans's people would say, it wasn't for realz." He took in a deep breath. "I had a mouthful of Vicodin and hallucinated the whole damn thing."
"House, I'm not an idiot. Not only is that the most ridiculous thing I ever heard but I haven't seen you pop a pill since I don't know when."
"Well, I might have to take some now because you're really being a big pain in the ass."
House shoved his hand in his coat pocket and retrieved his Vicodin.
He popped the lid off. "Don't believe me, huh? That's fine."
He then placed two pills in the palm of his hand.
Wilson waved his arms about. "Okay! Then explain the flowers, stilettos and panties that I saw in your apartment, Mister I Have An Answer For Everything."
"Easy." He cleared his throat. "Those belong to my inflatable friend, Deep Throat Debbie."
Wilson shook his head and looked disgusted.
"Hey, don't judge me. I can't be held responsible for my actions, especially when I'm in a miserable, lonely drug-induced state. Besides, making a habit of out seeing hookers on a weekly basis isn't cheap, you know?"
"Are you done lying? Because I know you and Cuddy are…"
"Fuck buddies? Friends with benefits?"
"House, I say it how I see it. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it's probably…"
"A quack doctor coming up with some bullshit theory and not believing his friend."
"Fine, House. Even if your hallucination story is true, nobody hallucinates having sex with their boss unless they really want to. Your subconscious is trying to tell you to go after Cuddy because you secretly desire her."
"On my God! Wilson if I really wanted her, why would I be here offering you advice on how to get Cuddy into bed?"
"What?"
"That's why I'm here. I can tell you exactly what kind of man Cuddy is attracted to."
"Based on what, Sherlock? You told me this morning that you were all talk about knowing Cuddy in the biblical sense."
"Are you kidding me? I've sabotaged so many of her dates and have hacked into her computer so many times I can figure out what she likes and doesn't like in men." He cleared his throat. "It's elementary, my dear Watson."
"Okay, I'm listening."
"Apparently, we really don't know Cuddy at all. She may be a hard-ass at work, but she's a badass in bed. Based upon her web history alone, I can tell you she's really into some kinky S&M shit."
Wilson folded his arms.
"I know! I didn't believe it either. But the evidence is there. Go look for yourself."
Wilson stood up from behind his desk and headed for the door. "Fine. I'm going to see Cuddy, right now."
"Good, you go do that. I'll distract Cuddy while you sneak into her office. When you log on to her computer, you'll see that I'm not making any of this stuff up."
A mischievous smile crept up on House's face as he followed Wilson out of the office to the elevator bay.
House caught up with Wilson moments after he pressed the down elevator button. "By the way, her password is Party Pants."
The doors opened and they both stepped in.
Wilson looked straight ahead confidently and said, "Party Pants. Got it," as the doors closed.
As soon as they were off the elevator, House approached Cuddy. She was at the clinic nurse's station. He snuck up behind her. "Hey, I've got plans tonight."
She smiled. "Do they include me?"
House nonchalantly nodded his head signaling Wilson that the coast clear. "Absolutely."
Cuddy frowned. "Oh, wait. My sister."
"Huh?"
"I promised I'd meet up with after work."
House lowered his voice. "So blow her off so you can blow me off."
"House, I need to talk to her anyway. I have to tell her to stop meddling in my love life and setting me up with loser guys like Kevin."
"Yeah, your sister Julia must really hate you."
Wilson ducked into Cuddy's office and ran to her computer. He logged in her password and looked over her web history. His jaw sank to the floor. There were searches for pornographic material and bookmarked pornographic sites as well.
Fear of getting caught snooping in her office, Wilson exited as quickly as he came in. He casually walked up to House and Cuddy who were heavily engrossed in a conversation.
Wilson interrupted. "House, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Sure."
They stepped into a corner while Cuddy walked back to her office.
Wilson whispered. "Oh my God! Locking restraints, leather slappers, harnesses, ball gags, vibrating nipple clamps…"
"See? Told you!"
"You were right, House!"
"Actually, I could be wrong about all of this. I mean all the men she seems to date look like a bunch of Shriners and not into that type of thing." House walked over to the clinic's exam room one and grabbed a patient's file next to the door. "Anyway, you still plan on asking her out?"
"Yes."
"Good. I'm sure the two of you will hit if off." He looked over the patient's chart and laughed. "Sorry Wilson, I'd love to chat but I have to tell Cuddy's date that he contracted Herpes."
"What?"
"Be not afraid Wilson." He placed his hand on the doorknob and twisted it. "I'm sure it wasn't from Cuddy."
House walked in on patient Kevin Schillinger. He was sitting on the examination table twiddling his thumbs wearing a red vintage "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt, belt-buckled acid washed jeans and gator boots.
House looked at Kevin. "Well, who do we have here?"
"It's Kevin, remember?"
"Right!" He snapped his fingers. "The famous actor. I've seen you at least a hundred times in that Anti-Diarrheal commercial! You're the guy clutching his stomach and running off to the bathroom every two seconds, right?"
"Yeah. But, I'm talking about when we met a few days ago at the big hospital function."
"Oh, right. So, what brings you here?"
"I came to return this." He held up Cuddy's jacket. "Lisa accidently left it in the car."
"You didn't need to schedule an appointment just for that." House paused for a moment. "Oh wait. I get it. You don't want to see Cuddy because you took off with my date, Melanie."
"Well…there's that and…something else." Kevin unbuckled his fake Gucci belt and unzipped his jeans. In one shift motion his jeans and tidy-whities came down around his ankles. "At first I thought I had jock itch, but now it hurts and burns when I pee."
House looked over at Kevin and tried to stifle a laugh—not because he knew Kevin would show up to the clinic sooner or later since his encounter with Melanie, but because Kevin had a very, very small penis. And he couldn't shake the fact that if he hadn't schemed and intervened that night at the reception, Cuddy could have gone home with that knob.
House placed large latex gloves over his hands and examined the patient. "You have Herpes. Those sores and blisters are indicative of an STD."
"No, it has to be something else."
"Did you recently have unprotected sex?"
"Yes."
"It's Herpes."
"But could these blisters be caused from maybe…masturbating too much?"
"How often do you masturbate?"
"A lot."
"And by a lot you mean…?"
"I pleasure myself every day."
"No, it's Herpes."
"Okay. Numerous times a day, every day," Kevin finally admitted.
"Pleasing yourself excessively can cause blisters on your hands and on your happy place, however with all of the symptoms you've been describing plus a night out with a hooker lead me to believe that you have been exposed to the virus."
"I think I need a second opinion."
"Sure, I can call someone in for a consult, if you'd like. I mean, why take my word for it? It's not like I'm a medical genius or a world-renowned diagnostician." He chuckled and stood up from his chair. "Please excuse for one minute."
House left the room and walked over to the nursing station. "Tell Dr. Cuddy that I need her right away in exam room one."
"Sure thing." The staff nurse picked up the phone and dialed Cuddy's extension. "Dr. Cuddy, this is Nurse Anne. Dr. House says it's urgent you see him right way in the clinic."
"Did he say what he needed?"
"No. But he was smiling. You better watch out. I think he's up to something."
"Thanks." Cuddy hung up the phone and tapped her nails on the desk.
Moments later she knocked on exam room one. As she entered her eyes immediately focused on Kevin's rather unimpressive manhood.
"Oh my God! I'm so sorry." She quickly turned away so that Kevin wouldn't see her reaction. She was grinning wildly and had to bite her lip to hold in her laughter. "I'm…so…sorry."
"I've informed Kevin that he has Herpes. He wanted a second opinion."
"House! You don't need me in here for this."
"I was just trying to save him some time."
He looked back at Kevin. "Now, I can either swab your wee pee-pee and you can painfully wait another two to three days for the lab results—indicating that I was right in the first place—or you can go directly to the pharmacy, pick up a prescription and starting feeling better."
"I guess I'll take the meds."
"Excellent choice." He scribbled on the pad then taped the prescription to the middle of Kevin's T-shirt.
His shirt now read "I'm Stupid."
"Take this to the pharmacy around the corner."
Kevin pulled up his pants and bailed out of the room fast and embarrassed.
As the door shut behind them, Cuddy moved in closer to House. "Ooh, you were kind of rough on him. I liked it."
"Did you?" He smacked her butt then started laughing.
"What's so funny?"
"Wilson thinks you're in to bondage."
Cuddy pulled away from him. "Hmm…And what would make him think that?"
"Remember the other day when I messed with your computer mouse?"
Cuddy sarcastically remarked, "Gee, how can I forget? You're hilarious."
"Well, that wasn't the only time I've been on your computer."
"House!"
"Don't worry, I promise we'll all laugh about it later."
He smiled and kissed her again.