Chapter 21: Epilogue: Part 1
The stillness of the boat lulled Sowen as she pulled her knees up against her chin, the calm of the air beneath the wood planks music to her aching ears as she looked through the mist.
After the tragedy in Mordor, she had spoken to no one. She returned to Lothlorien with Haldir, Aragorn and Gandalf to the news that her mother had left the shores of Middle Earth and Celeborn mourned the loss of his wife. They soon left the Golden Wood to Imladris and stayed until Sowen's condition prompted Celeborn to retreat with his daughter and their loyal guard to the Undying Lands. His daughter's grief at the loss of the Mirkwood Prince made Celeborn's soul heavy. Approaching her side with care he placed a strong but gentle hand to her shoulder, looking down at the flowing white garment she wore.
"My daughter, your heart will be whole once again when you reach the shores of Valinor. Your mother will greet you with open arms and you will be cherished." He spoke clearly yet quietly as she looked up at him, her grey eyes turning away as she placed her chin back stop her knees and stared into the mists.
Dim outlines of silhouetted mountains became visible as Valinor rose through the haze; it's green and plentiful land greeting those aboard the ship as they sailed from the miasma into open air before landing on the banks. Hundreds of Elves were there to greet theme, most aboard seemed thoroughly overjoyed to see ones lost in battle or those who had sailed many years before.
Galadriel stood among them, and as the passengers disembarked and placed their first steps on the shores of the Undying Lands. Celeborn went into his wife's waiting arms as Haldir pulled Sowen along behind him as the Lady of Light opened her arms to her child. Sowen went willingly into the protected circle as she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning slowly, she recognized the silver hair and deep eyes of her sister, and a small sigh escaped her lips as Celebrian pulled Sowen into a fierce hug.
"Sowen, I have heard of the things befallen you, and I admire your spirit to remain in Arda for as long as you did. My thoughts were with you my sister." Celebrian smiled Elrond joined her side, greeting Celeborn and Sowen with a smile.
"My wife has talked of nothing less my dear Sowen. Your journey here has plagued her thought for the better." He leaned forward, placing a small kiss to her cheek as his arm encircled Celebrian's waist.
With a hopeful glance, Sowen's eyes skirted the faces, hoping against hope that the familiar arrogant and elegant face of the Prince of Mirkwood could be found, but none that smiled back at her was his. A fake smile clung to her lips, though she was indeed happy to see her sister and mother, the dull ache that still rang in her chest could not go unnoticed.
"Come; let us tell you all of what has happened." Galadriel's voice drowned out in Sowen's mind as she followed behind her family with quiet grace, nodding or shaking her head but never speaking.
* * *
The Halls of Waiting were becoming all too familiar to Legolas, the ornate tapestries on the walls depicting all the events of unfolding history. Though he had no live body, he still wished and hoped that his time would come to leave the Halls and journey to the other side of Aman where he could find his family and be whole once again. Though, the chance came when the Lord Mandos wished it to come. He had spoken with many of the Elves there, spending centuries in the Halls of Mandos and still waiting for their wish to be granted by the noble lord.
Several times the inhabitants of Mandos' Halls were visited by Nienna, a beautiful creature that Legolas frequently visited with. He sighed, sinking low against one of the many walls, the tapestry above him a weaving done by Mandos' wife Vaire.
"Good day, Legolas Son of Thranduil, Prince of Mirkwood. You appear more troubled than I have become accustomed to. Walk with me child." Nienna spoke elegantly, her voice having a certain element to it that made Legolas' spirit feel calm and relaxed, giving him a sense of being back among the trees in Mirkwood.
"I miss her, my Queen." He had long ago learned that simple sentences were far more beneficial than long winded ramblings.
"And the others, Son of Thranduil?"
"Of course they are in my mind as well. Aragorn and Gimli especially for they were my dearest friends."
"However, this she elf you so often think of acquires much of your time and energy. So intriguing is she to you that I shall make my way to the Undying Lands where her place has been marked by the setting moon of this month."
"My Queen, if I may; how long have I been here?"
"Fourteen years, child. I have been visiting once a year."
"Does time move more quickly in the Halls?"
Nienna smiled lightly, moving the grey hood away from her face as she walked beside the young elf.
"No little one, time moves no differently here than in the Mortal Lands of Arda."
"She spent fourteen years in Middle Earth after my death; so explains the pain I have felt since my banishment to this world." Legolas sighed as he obediently followed Nienna, her almost flowing steps unequaled to any outside of the Valar.
Nienna paused, turning to place her piercing gray eyes on the spirit of the Prince. "Her remaining behind surprises you."
"I do not know my Queen; I cannot explain anything that Sowen would do after my time passed."
"Her remaining time after your death was not misplaced, but I do look forward to meeting this fair being who has captivated your mind, even in the afterlife." She smiled lightly before placing the hood back over her head as she made to leave.
"Worry not Greenleaf, I will bring you news when I return." She avowed turning away with a small wave of her hand as she disappeared down the hallway.
"Be quick, my Queen; be quick."
* * *
The moon's light passed quickly and quietly over the beautiful realm of Valinor, the green and ample field's glowed emerald with tints of silver, though she did not see its splendor as the salty waves of the Belegaer licked at her bare feet; a lone gull cried overhead as her saline tears welled along the lower lids of her eyes prior to falling from her cheeks. Only to be absorbed by the material of the gown she wore, so much like the one her mother had adorned in Lothlorien all those years ago.
Each night dreams plagued her. She was suffering because it had been her doing; his life taken because of her naïveté and carelessness. His blonde hair and cerulean eyes dancing beyond her reach as she watched the life seep out of his bright and brilliant orbs; his blood spilled on her behalf. Her sobs broke through the poorly constructed barrier of her soul as her head dropped against her chest, her chin thudding and making her teeth knock.
"It grieves me to see you so heartbroken, Sowen. Even after the journey from those lands." Haldir's voice broke the silence between sobs as her head snapped up and she focused dull and grey eyes on the guardian.
"Let me be Haldir, I wish to spend my nights alone. Those that remain undaunted."
"You are haunted because you will not openly allow yourself to grieve. You cannot hide forever; retreating back into the pit of your soul when pain comes. Let go of your former life and accept what you have before you. Become the elf you once were." He moved quickly, pulling her into a standing position as he crushed her body against his; his breath fanning in her hair as he attempted to press the sadness from her being.
"You can not ask that of me, Haldir. It was my fault."
"Legolas' death was not because of you! It was Lantion and his evil brood that has caused you so much pain and strife! Let not his ways hold sway over you; not here in Valinor where all is green and good."
"All is not good mellon nin, for I am unable to look upon the greenness of the grass; the pale silver glint of the moon against the blackened sky of night, painted with only the stars and the kings of old. I do not deserve this land." She cried out against his chest, burying her face into his flaxen strands as she attempted to cease her memories torments.
"I cannot banish his face from my mind, Haldir. He is with me even through death."
Haldir sighed as he lifted her up into his arms, traveling the short way back to their dwellings among the trees as he maneuvered her arms about his neck and climbed the ladder to the very top talon that served as his living quarters.
"Tonight you will not be alone. I have idly stood by and watched you destroy yourself for naught but despair and I shall not allow it hence." He promised as he placed her down to the floor and stood before her. "Will you let me comfort you tonight, Sowen?"
"I will not allow you to give yourself like that, Haldir. It is not you I desire."
"You have been my desire since before the War of the Ring. Though I never sought to claim you for my own, I would do so now if it would ease the pain of your heart."
"No, Haldir, this cannot go on any farther." She pushed past him, heading toward the ladder as his hand caught her upper arm, his grip fierce but gentle as he captured her lips with his.
Her first instinct was to pull away, but his hand snaked around her shoulders to cup the nape of her neck and prevent her retreat as his mouth moved over hers. She felt the familiar tingling sensation as his eyes darkened to a deep azure, his blonde hair framing his face and shoulders like a halo as the light from the opened room shone against the back of his head.
Legolas.
It was all her mind could grasp as she gave in to his kisses, her hands moving of their volition to his cheeks as she accepted the onslaught of his ferocity at winning her over. He moved them to the bed and laid her back, both sets of legs tangling in the long flowing dress she wore as his weight above her was dispersed; he straddled her slim waist and bent his knees slightly, leaning the rest of his weight on his forearms. Breaking apart only for a need of oxygen, he pulled back and looked down at her. A faint trickle of color had tainted her cheeks and seeped into the corners of her eyes; red turning to faint blue as she began to remind him more and more of the Sowen he once knew.
The reverie was broken by a voice calling from the ground.
"Haldir! Haldir, a visitor arrives in Valinor, one that you must speak with!" Rumil's voice called up the long ladder as he waited patiently for his brother's reply.
"Down in a moment, Rumil." He shouted briskly as climbed of the bed and ran a cool hand over his flushed face before training desire filled eyes on Sowen. She sat up and righted herself, unable to meet his gaze.
"I did not mean for things to get out of hand, Sowen. I shall understand if you are not here when I return." He leaned over and placed a light kiss to the top of her head before descending the ladder and tossing his brother an agitated glare.
* * *
It seemed an eternity before Haldir was released from Nienna's powerful hold. She had a presence that just soothed ones heart and put them in a state of tranquility. The news she brought was indeed startling for she conveyed word of Legolas. She explained all to the small party around her, mostly Sowen's loved ones and a few who were drawn by her grace apart from even Valinor, that Legolas Greenleaf was mildly content where he was though his soul longed to be with his intended. Haldir's thoughts were clouded as he climbed the ladder and jumped up onto the landing. His breath caught in his throat at the vision of Sowen perched on the end of his bed in much the same position as when he had left her.
"My lady?"
"Haldir, I do not accept what you have offered, but I also do not wish to spend this night alone." Her voice was quavering as soft tears fell from her down turned face; her hair formed a barrier between her eyes and his and he dropped down to his knees before her.
Haldir's heart broke at the sorrow and pain he saw etched into her features. Her willowy figure was even more so; her face was pale and her hair that was once shiny was dull and lifeless, no longer holding any curls save for the upturned ends.
"What would you ask of me, heri en amin, that I may better serve you as a brother and a friend?"
No words were spoken as she wrapped her arms around his neck and shoulders, burying her face into the crook of his neck as she let the tears to fall. She was allowing the grieving process to begin after so many years of refusal. Haldir moved slowly, pulling from her grasp to seat himself on the bed with his back opposite to the headboard. He reached out and drew her onto his lap, cradling her as like she was a child in need of comfort after a small injury. His hands were moving in constant circles over her back and his fingers tangled through her hair; his lips pressing small kisses to her brow and the crown of her head as he softly sang to her in the old language.
Minutes ticked by like hours and still Haldir spoke to her quietly as he attempted to sooth her broken spirit. Her cries dulled into sobs which in turn faded away to sniffles and hiccups. He had his eyes closed as his head rested against hers, one hand cupping her cheek and the other supporting her back; his fingers still moved in their familiar circular pattern over the dress.
"I- I am sorry Haldir."
"You've done nothing to warrant an apology, Sowen. I would gladly sit here and console you in the many long days to come until you are rejoined with your love."
"That is impossible Haldir. I saw him, and the image still haunts my every waking hour. I did not want to believe my eyes when I glanced at his frailness tainted with blood. His body torn asunder by evil." The tears welled once more and spilled; though she made no effort to wipe them away she also barely acknowledged their existence.
"Do not speak if it pains you."
"As opposed to it paining me any less if I keep it hidden?" She turned her eyes up to him, and he read a myriad of emotions swirling in the grey blue depths. The largest was sorrow filled with a small band of thankfulness and humility. It pained his heart to see such a small amount of hope in her red rimmed orbs.
He pulled away to look down at her as he held her chin in his hand, tilting her face up to his. His lips tilted at the edges to give away a hint of a smile, though his eyes remained guarded and only allowed what emotions he wished to be seen through.
"There is always hope, Sowen."
She gave a small chuckle and pulled him back, placing her cheek against his shoulder once more. "You sound like Estel."
"Perhaps Aragorn was right in continuously thinking the better of his situation. It could not have been easy when all of Mordor was swallowing him before the Black Gates, and all of his hope dwelt in two small hobbits. That, mellon nin, was pure unrequited hope; the rarest of its kind."
"I'm afraid I've lost all hope, Haldir." She whispered with a small sigh. "Legolas was my hope. Somehow I knew…I knew that he would come for me. Though, the ending was quite different that I had imagined."
"How can you allow that to be the ending?" Haldir's eyes broke a bit of their resolve, and how he wished to tell Sowen everything of Nienna and break his promise to Galadriel; of keeping her youngest daughter in the shadows about the soothing Valar's presence in Valinor.
"I am as Arwen was destined. Doomed to watch her beloved peril while she will be unable to do anything but grieve; anything but enjoy one last embrace. He came to me, Haldir. He told me he was going to die."
"How is that possible?"
"I know not, nor do I care. He was perfect in that dream." Her voice became detached as she dove into the repressed memory of that morning.
"He- his face was golden as he waited for me with nary but a smile and an outstretched hand that I accepted without a look back. He pulled me to him gently and curled me into the protective ring of his arms as his earthen sweet scent flowed over my mind. His voice seemed to drip with honey and I long to hear it again. His lips were so soft and his presence so soothing that I fast forgot it was just a dream and sank into the familiar feeling of him against me. He…he tasted of sweet cinnamon spread over the softest velvet…" her voice wavered as her eyes closed, small tears drifting down her face to find their way through his tunic and into his heart. He felt the proverbial prickling of water at the edges of his eyes as he stared unblinking into the darkness of the room; the trees outside silhouetted against the dotted sky as the moon sank lower and lower into the valley, signaling dawn to be fast approaching.
"He tried to tell me that it was our last moment together; that our time had ended. That he loved me and always would. I begged him not to leave me, I pleaded for him to stay but it was not enough. The mist took him away and I was left with the emptiness that has consumed me like a raging fire. My heart a former shell of what it once was, ripped in half by his departure. The Halls of Mandos have claimed all that is dear to me but not without a price. His death will hang like a shroud of guilt on my soul forever for it was I that he died saving. Hope? Hope is dead to me."
* * *
The excited atmosphere swirled around the guests of King Elessar of Gondor. The gathering of friends and loved ones was a blessing to the elder King as he sat beside his wife with glistening eyes. Gimli, dwarf friend of all present was regaling the Hobbits Merry and Pippin with stories of his adventures abroad Middle Earth with Legolas.
The mere mention of the Elf's name was enough to quiet the antics as all minds were lost in memory of the immortal. But the pain had eased over time for most. The Hobbits had reclaimed their jovial air and were laughing openly about stealing herbs from Sam's gardens. The elder Hobbit was there to counter the other two as his children laughed and danced with the many different people there, including Aragorn and Arwen's daughters and their son, Eldarion.
It was hardest for Aragorn to rid himself of the ache in his heart as he prayed constantly for the return of a dear friendship. Legolas was more than a friend to Aragorn, the King knew this. Closer than even his foster brothers Elladan and Elrohir was Legolas to Estel's heart. He stood silently and made his way out to the balcony behind the large swell of guests; the closeness with those that spoke of Legolas as if the Elf were still present was nauseating to him.
His presence wasn't missed and he gulped in the night air thankful to be alone. The fields of Pelennor stretched out before him and the newly rebuilt Osgiliath cast a glowing light on the river that moved through it. A hand on his shoulder made him whirl about as he gasped, seeing Arwen's concerned eyes as she stood behind him, unfazed at his response to her touch.
He sighed when he saw who intruded on his thoughts and cast her a small smile before wrapping his arms about her waist and drawing her to him lightly. He rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes as he took in some of the strength she offered.
"You have been distant since this night began, Estel. Tell me what troubles your heart in a time where friends and family are so close after so much time apart. It is not often that Gimli son of Gloin leaves his Glittering Caves to venture on horseback into Minas Tirith. Nor is it common for the Hobbits to leave their flourishing Shire to see the lands they almost died upon years ago. Why are you aggrieved at their attendance?"
"It is not their visit that pains my heart it is who they remind me of." His voice was ragged and hoarse for he had spent much of the day laughing and being boisterous with Eomer and his sister Eowyn.
Ithilien was thriving under Eowyn's sure hands, even after the loss of Faramir and then Legolas. Though most of the elves had long since left Middle Earth when their prince died, a few remained to see to Ithilien stand strong under any ill that would befall the beautiful wooded region. Eowyn and Faramir's children grew up among the trees and the elves, accepting the duties that followed their father's death. Now in their early twenties and late teens, they talked pleasantly with many of the appointed Captain's of Gondor, including Peregrin Took, though they had to kneel or already be sitting in order to carry on a proper conversation with the hobbit.
"Estel, you mustn't let Legolas' death still dwell in your mind and soul. You must let it go, just as the rest of us have. His passing was difficult for us all for he was close to me for over two thousand years. I beg you, release yourself from this torment." Arwen pleaded, placing both of her fine, delicate hands to each of his scratchy and bearded cheeks before brushing her lips against his.
"His death was my doing, Arwen."
"His death was the Valar's will, melamin." She stepped back and reached out to him. He took her hand and was lead back through the throng of guests as Arwen begged a headache for him. He thanked her with his eyes and his heavy footfall echoed her silent steps as they went from in to out, standing before one of the many gardens on the seventh tier of Minas Tirith.
What he understood of the trees language, they pitied the angst and the hurt that was still lodged in Aragorn's chest. It was here; under the mighty trees that Arwen stopped him with upturned hands and soft eyes. She reached out and undid the clasp that held the fine velvet cloak around his neck, the material billowing in the slight breeze as it pooled unceremoniously behind his legs. Her hands moved over his face to his hairline, lifting the crown from his head as she set it on the ground next to them.
Settling him down with his back against the trunk of the tree she seated herself in front of him between his knees as he bent and spread them to accommodate his wife, reaching out to take one of his hands in both of hers.
"Tell me why you think you are responsible for Legolas' death?" Her voice was soothing yet prodding as she attempted to get the information from her husband. Her fingers laced and unlaced through his, circling the palm of his hands prior to moving upwards and tracing the length of each finger in turn.
"I lost it." His voice broke and he sobbed, leaning his head back against the tree as the tears streamed down his face, glistening in the moonlight as the trail became lost when entering his beard.
"What did you lose, melamin?"
"The necklace. I lost the stone that would have brought him back to us; to all of us. It was my carelessness that caused it to fall from my hand among the rocks of Mt. Doom, never to be found."
"And yet you still climbed, knowing it was gone?"
"No…no…it was only after his spirit left that I searched in vain for it. Through everything it may have disappeared into, but I could not find it. I was cursed to watch him die and then be able to do nothing about it but sit and let the grief tear at me as I carried his lifeless body down the hill to tell them that I had failed." He leaned his head forward, pillowing it against her chest as she set her chin atop his hair. His hands gripped her waist as he held her to him, allowing the grief to break. Grief he had long since held in check after damming it up when his tears dried that morning.
"You have held that inside far too long, Estel. You had only to share it with me and it would have eased your pain. You are not at fault for Legolas' passing, for how could you know his decision? Do you know for sure that he would have desired to be ripped back into this time and place; back into the pain of a wound deemed never to heal fully? The agonizing scars and the trauma his mind would have suffered from witnessing and experiencing death and then being wrought from it into the realm of life once more? Regardless of the outcome, he would not have been the same Elf we all knew. He would be changed; different."
Aragorn knew her words were true, but he did not want to believe them. He wished to stay in his cocoon of self loathing and denial against her condolences. She felt his resistance and pulled back, cradling his face once more as she looked deep into his breaking eyes.
"The choice was not yours to make."
* * *
Haldir fell into step with the slow and almost floating pace of Nienna of the Valar. He was inspired by her beauty, and after spending another night with Sowen among the trees he was surprised to see her waiting for him; asking for his company. He quickly agreed after not seeing much of her during her nine month visit to Valinor, he was eager to be in her company once more.
"So you may be able to set Legolas free from the Halls?"
"If all goes well and my brother is willing to part with his soul it can be achieved. Though, that is the decision we must all pine over. For if Mandos indeed frees Legolas it will be upon his time and not yours."
"What do you mean?" He, like Legolas, had learned that short answers and quick questions were more influential in the time spent with Nienna. Long winded rambling just made her smile and laugh, speak a riddle and continue upon her slow path toward nothing in general.
"It pains you to see her in so much grief, does it not?"
"Of course, My Queen; she is my dearest friend." Haldir replied, turning his eyes down to their feet, his fingers behind his back beginning to tangle into one another.
"But that is not the reason for the depth of your pain, is it Haldir of Lorien. Your anguish stems from love, and I daresay you are a fool not to act upon your feelings. Sentiments, emotions and passions are possibly the dearest things to an Elf's heart. Why is it that you have resisted for so long?"
"It is not my love she is searching for, Lady; she wants nothing to do with my passions. I am there to listen, and I consider myself truly lucky that she chose me to pour her heart out to."
"As you should, March warden. But bear in mind that if Legolas does return; what will you do with your untold love?" She questioned and halted her steps. She turned and fixed grey eyes to his blue ones as she read the depth of his soul.
"I know not, my Queen."
"Do you think she does not care?"
"No, my Queen."
"Why play this act of hiding your true feelings then?"
"I thought we were to be speaking of Sowen, my Queen. Though I do enjoy your company I believe this conversation is not to my liking." He tore his eyes from hers, but not before catching the slight smirk she shot in his direction. Her feet began moving once more and Haldir tossed small glances in her direction.
"I am sorry if I have offended you, my Queen."
"Nothing offending was said, my child. What does she tell you of her heart when you talk with her?"
"Nothing of her heart, my Queen, other than telling me it is constantly broken with no hope to be remade."
"I have not doubt in my heart that you are aiding her in her grief, but I will tell you now that it will not be enough." She stated simply as they stopped on the shore of the sea, white gulls going unnoticed over their heads.
"What do you speak of, my Queen? What will not be enough?"
She turned to him once more, placing a hand to his cheek as she attempted to sooth the ache that she had yet to place in his heart and mind.
"She will perish."
Haldir's heart thumped loudly in his chest and he took small steps away from the woman before him. "No. She is in the Undying Lands. She left Middle Earth because of her grief; she is safe in this place."
"There is no safe place if an Elf is unable to let go of their grief. It would have ended the same had she stayed in Arda. Only this process will be much slower, her time here is long coming to an end."
"When?" The strangled word came with intent to say more, but his throat closed around a lump and his hands bunched into fists at his sides.
"Many years from now."
"Please, my Queen, do not be vague with me. You cannot tell me of my love's death forthcoming without any other information. I must know." He had lost all bounds of formality as anger bubbled to the surface. Anger at himself for being unable to stop Sowen's torment and anger at Nienna for telling him of a future without her.
"It is not your place to know, Haldir of Lorien, Guardian of the City of Light." The tone of her voice never rose, but he saw the warning flash of her grey eyes. "I am telling you because I believe you should know. I will tell you what I will tell you, and nothing more."
"Yes my Queen. I apologize." Haldir looked at his feet, unable to bring his face to hers once more from his humiliation. She was not a mere elf to scold or belittle. She is one of the Valar. A Queen among his people, and he had wronged her.
The touch of her hand on his face once more brought tears to his eyes as he was forced to look at her.
"Are you indeed certain, my Queen?" His voice was pleading, and all superiority and valor was gone from his once proud voice. His shoulder slumped and his eyes faded into a light frosty blue.
"Do not let your heart be troubled, for I have taught you what you need to know. She will be with you for many more years, though you will begin to notice the changes. I will return before her death, and my visit will be an unhappy one before I return to the Halls. I may not be taking one Elf with me." With that she turned, signaling their conversation to be over as Haldir nodded mutely. He walked back through the trees and he closed his eyes, the hidden meaning behind her words dawning on him as the tears dropped and he allowed himself to me comforted by the strong trees about him. He dropped to his knees and felt the soft earth bend beneath his slight weight; his eyes searched the sky and the sun set.
* * *
A/N: Well, I wasn't going to do this but I did. I posted this, Epilogue part 1 after 13 long pages and way way way too many DUN DUN DUNNNNNNS. So here it is, the first part of the angsty last chapter(s). Tell me what you guys think! And I promise….the next part is coming soon. I've hit a writing mood this week and today I shelled out seven and a half pages.
Jean