Title: Until We Reach Valinor
Chapter 21: The First Step
NOTE: This story is sequel to "A Teacher's Duty" and you'll have to read that one first to understand this. Also, this story does not contain slash, and it is not a romance, despite what the first chapter might suggest.
SPECIAL THANKS to Cassie, for beta-reading my work in a days' time in spite of having a kidney stone problem. And to Kellen for helping me to name Alannna.
…
Legolas stayed with Elano all of that night, sitting beside his bed on a chair and holding his hand and singing him softly to sleep whenever he woke sobbing or screaming for his mother or sister. By morning, he was emotionally drained from witnessing Elano's mental condition (which was even worse than he'd thought) and stiff and sore from sitting in the hard, uncomfortable chair all night. He knew that, as much as he would like to, he couldn't very well stay with Elano every night (he had learnt his lesson about sleep deprivation on the disastrous hunting trip the previous year, when he had seriously jeopardized his health by refusing to sleep for an entire month). So he resolved to ask Aragorn to give Elano a mild, non-addictive sedative. He didn't know if there were any herbs that would fulfill these requirements, but he knew that Aragorn would be able to obtain them if there were. And Elano needed to get his rest, or he was never going to recover his health.
When Elano woke sometime near dawn, Legolas took leave of him and walked slowly back to his own chambers, pondering what else he could do to help the Elf. Alanna sat up in bed the moment he entered the room, startling him. She was normally never awake at this hour. Her long hair fell over her face and she brushed it back impatiently. "Where have you been all night?" She asked.
He looked at her in surprise. "You didn't stay up for me, did you?"
"No, of course not," She replied, "Although I did wonder where you were. I'm awake because I'm feeling a bit nauseous and can't seem to sleep. Where were you?"
Legolas frowned, slightly concerned that she'd been unwell, but let it pass because she'd been so dismissive of it. It was probably nothing to worry about it. "I was with Elano," He answered, and was surprised and relieved when she didn't ask anything further and changed the subject. He hadn't expected so much tact from her.
Then again, when he came to think of it, she'd been extremely considerate ever since she had met Elano the previous night. In fact, she had completely ignored his sickly appearance and conversed with him the way she would have anyone else. And she had not once expressed curiosity over all the strange undercurrents at the table last night; an impressive feat for a woman, he thought to himself.
"Since we're both already up," Alanna said, "What do you thinking of going to watch the sunrise? It's been years since I saw one. I usually sleep too late and miss them, but when I do see them I feel like I can wax poetic about them for the next century."
Legolas considered. Being an early riser, he saw the sunrise quite often. But ever since they had consummated their marriage, all his interactions with Alanna had been slightly strained and awkward. They hadn't spent very much time with each other save in the company of Aragorn and Arwen, and Legolas had made it a point, of going to bed after she was asleep and rising before she was awake. He knew things could not be allowed to go on in the same vein if they were going to be married to each other, for the Valar knew how long, so he answered her with as little reluctance as he could, "Alright. I love watching the sunrise, myself."
He waited as she pulled a dressing gown over her nightclothes and went to wash her face, and then led her to what had recently been designated by their majordomo as their private garden. It was a beautiful morning, and neither of them spoke much as they enjoyed it. Legolas's thoughts turned to Elano as he walked. The Elf's state the previous night had shaken him to the core. His nightmares had been heartbreaking to witness, and had displayed with all clarity the depth of attachment Elano had with his mother. Legolas feared that if he lost her, there would be too little keeping him tied to Middle-Earth to prevent him from following. And that thought still continued to terrify him.
"Legolas?"
He started at Alanna's voice, and looked up to discover that the sun had already risen without his noticing. He winced at his lack of attention. "Yes?"
"You've appeared troubled by something since yesterday," She said, "Is everything alright?"
Legolas opened his mouth but the easy excuse that was forming on his lips died as his gaze caught hers. She knew that everything was not alright, and she also knew that it had to do with Elano. The only reason she had asked was to give him a chance to unburden himself, if he wanted to. That spoke of a great deal of consideration which he could not in good conscience ignore. And, he realized with a pang, he wanted to unburden himself, but Elano had specifically requested him not to tell Aragorn because he didn't want the Man's pity for him to interfere with his teaching him healing. As a consequence, Legolas had been bearing all his anxiety and his grief by himself, and though he was not accustomed to sharing his troubles with others, the situation had shaken him badly enough that he was struggling with his emotions. He desperately wanted advice or even reassurance.
"Legolas?" Alanna's voice made him aware of how long had passed since her question.
"I'm sorry," He said, "I've been preoccupied…I'm very worried about Elano."
"He seems to mean a great deal to you," Alanna observed, and then hesitated for a long moment. "Did something happen to him over the summer?"
"Yes," Legolas replied, noting how careful Alanna was being with her words. He realized with a surge of guilt that this was the first time in his nearly two months of knowing her that he was being this open with her. And that was a fine way to behave with someone who wore their heart on their sleeve all the time. He felt even more convinced that he had been right to confide in her. Before he knew it, he was telling her everything; far more than he had originally intended.
He talked about how he had first met Elano as a part of his first batch, how he had been the quietest and most solitary teenager of the lot, how he had been abysmal at both archery and swordsmanship and the butt of all jokes in the class. He spoke of the death of Elano's father, and of how the Elf had been torn between his abhorrence for bloodshed and love for healing and his duty towards his dead father. How, during a hunting trip, Elano had saved his life during an orc skirmish, so that when his true age had been discovered, he had been given a royal pardon by Thranduil. Legolas told her about Elano's twin sister, and how her death had affected him beyond all others and had stolen a part of him irrevocably. Finally, he told her of Elano's mother, and of how he feared that Elano himself was in danger of fading if he lost her.
"You fear to lose him?" Alanna asked after a long moment.
"Yes. And I feel…so helpless. There is so little I can actually do for him," Legolas said, his words leaving him in a rush. "What if, in spite of everything I do to prevent it, I'm not able to stop him from fading?"
Alanna contemplated him thoughtfully. "If Elano's mother should die, then I know you will do your very best to support him," She said, "You'll give him a shoulder to cry on, stay with him at night to soothe away his nightmares, try to ensure that he takes care of his health. But there is a large possibility that in spite of everything you do, you won't be able to stop him from fading. And maybe that would be for best, after all."
Legolas stared at her, stung. He had not been expecting this. He had wanted her to tell him that of course he would be able to keep Elano fading, that he was too good a friend for Elano to leave behind. He had wanted her to reassure him, not to brutally make him confront the fact that everything would not, in fact, be alright.
"Because let's face it, Legolas," Alanna continued, "His sister, and his father and his mother would all be in Valinor. You would be hard pressed to find a tie on Middle-Earth that would hold him here with his entire family gone."
"So you're saying it's inevitable that I lose him," Legolas said, unable to keep a slight tremor out of his voice, "That no matter what I do or don't do, I'll lose him anyway."
She turned her serious, compassionate brown eyes on him. "I don't pretend to understand the relationship you both have, or how much regard he holds you in. If his mother dies, maybe he will love you enough to stay here for your sake. But he's only known you for six months, Legolas. There is every chance that it won't be enough."
"I told him yesterday that I wouldn't let him sink," Legolas stated quietly, "That I refused to lose him. That I would never let him go."
"He would be happier in Valinor than here," Alanna said softly, shaking her head, "Reunited with his sister, with his family. It would be an easier fate than living on after someone he loved so much passed." Her voice and hands trembled slightly with emotion, and Legolas saw tears sparkle in her eyes.
Realization hit with the force of a hailstorm. "Alanna," He breathed, his heart picking up speed for a reason he couldn't fathom, "When Rilian… did you…?"
"No," She replied, understanding what he was trying to ask. "When Rilian died, I did not come in danger of fading." Legolas felt an unexpected surge of relief at these words. "I was devastated, of course," Alanna continued, speaking more to herself than to him, "But it never came to that. I mourned through my writing. Many of my best works were written after Rilian died. But I often felt- I often feel- unspeakably guilty that I was and am still able to eat and drink and sleep and live when the person who was my entire world for the better part of ten centuries breathed his last in my arms."
Legolas looked away from her, at a loss for words. When he had first confided in her, he had never considered the similarities between Elano losing his mother and Alanna losing Rilian. He felt guilty for not having thought of it; he hadn't wanted to cause her pain. But she had driven home to him what he had refused to consider- that Elano would be far happier in Valinor than here, and that brought some measure of comfort. He felt a small load fall away from his heart.
"Thank you Alanna," He said quietly, "You've been a great help. And…" He added after a moment's thought, "I'm sorry for forcing you to relive all those memories."
Alanna shook her head dismissively and presented him with a genuine, if watery smile. "As long as I was able," She said. "Thank you for confiding your troubles in me. I know it must have been difficult for you."
"Yes, well, you are going to have a large part to play in this school," He told her, "Simply by virtue of being married to me, and living in the same place. I could hardly keep you in the dark about such things. And besides," He added quickly, not wanting her to think that was the only reason he'd confided in her, "I needed to unburden myself, and Elano made me promise not to tell Aragorn, so…"
Alanna looked at him, stunned. "You told me…you told me of something you have not even told Aragorn?" She asked, looking torn between wonder and incomprehension.
"Alanna," He replied gently, "You're my wife." It was the first time he'd ever said it aloud. "We should be able to confide in each other, and we shouldn't have secrets from each other as far as we can help it."
A moment later, he flushed, realizing his own hypocrisy. He still hadn't told Alanna about Ivana. And it wasn't even that he didn't trust her, or that an unwitting slip of the tongue would cost Ivana her life, as it once would have, because she was in Valinor. It wouldn't matter now if people found out the truth about her (although he fervently hoped that they never did, for his own peace of mind). He also knew that Alanna had been sympathetic to Ivana and had approved of her being Thranduil's heir. He had had that conversation with her weeks ago. He should have told her then, but he had been held back by pride, or paranoia, or something even more ridiculous. He nodded to himself decisively. He would tell her soon.
…
That morning, while they were eating breakfast, Aragorn suddenly stopped chewing mid-mouthful, his eyes widening dramatically. Legolas frowned, concerned for a moment that he had choked on his food.
"Valar! I just remembered!" Aragorn exclaimed. His voice was so loud that even Alanna blinked, was roused from her usual meal-time stupor.
"What is it?"
"The children will be arriving from Gondor in two days' time!" Aragorn replied, "I completely forgot, what with all the excitement of your wedding, and preparing for the other classes, it completely slipped my mind!"
"How many children?" Legolas asked, kicking himself for the oversight. He too had completely forgotten that this year the school would be including humans. A fine welcome they would have received if no one had remembered in time that they were coming! As it was he was going to have to spend the better part of tomorrow revising his teaching plans for the year to take into account the limited abilities of his new, human students.
"Twelve lads and three young maidens who wish to learn self-defense," Aragorn answered, "They'll be coming by horse, along with three escorts. They are the same age as the Elflings- sixteen or seventeen years old at most."
"Only fifteen?" Legolas asked, dismayed. He could already envision the power blocs that would quickly form, with the group of fifteen humans sticking together to defend themselves from seventy-odd Elflings who would jeer at them for their awkward physiques and inferior skills. He groaned inwardly. There went the notion that this year would be less of a challenge than the previous one.
"Yes," Aragorn replied, grimacing. He knew as well as Legolas how petty and cruel children could be. "And even worse, none of the humans know Sindarin, and none of the Elflings know either Numenorean, or the Common Tongue."
"The only way we can bridge the language difference is if we add a new class which will be compulsory for everyone," Legolas replied after a long moment, his tone thoughtful. "Two separate classes- The Common Tongue and Numenorean for the Elves, and Sindarin for the humans. Someone familiar with all three languages will have to take that class."
The two friends eyed each other. They were both perfectly at ease with all three languages, but neither of them would had the time to take such classes. Now that they were going to be teaching students who were at two different levels in different batches of varying sizes, their days were going to be busier than they had been the previous year. Legolas's gaze fell by chance upon Alanna, who was engaged in toying moodily with her food, and he sat up in sudden realization. Here was a person who was not just at ease, but proficient in Numenorean, Sindarin and the Common Tongue. Aragorn had said she had written poems and stories in all three languages, and even successfully translated a few Numenorean pomes to Sindarin without disturbing the rhyming or the meter, something which was supposedly very difficult.
"I think Alanna would be perfect for the task," He said.
"What?" Alanna asked absently, jolted out of her dream-state upon hearing her name.
Aragorn, in the meantime, was looking delighted with the solution, and Arwen was nodding her approval. "That's an excellent idea!" exclaimed the former enthusiastically, "Alanna would be perfectly suited for teaching them languages. Words are, after all, her forte."
"You want me to teach them?!" Alanna asked, her voice ringing with amazement, "But I can't! I'd be hopeless with children! I've never even met a single teenager in my life!"
Legolas shook his head. He had already considered that, and had thought of something which he was fairly certain would make up for it. "You have no idea how you sound when you speak about Elven and Numenorean poetry," He said, "You may not have ever interacted with teenagers, but the passion with which you speak about poetry and prose speaks for itself. Everything else will take care of itself. Trust me. You will be an instant favorite."
"But…I…" Alanna spluttered, clearly unable to believe that he had such faith in her abilities when she herself lacked it.
"And also," Legolas continued, going a bit farther than he had intended, "You can, aside from just teaching the basics of language, teach the Elflings some of their heritage by telling them of our lore and the songs of our minstrels, and you can teach Numenorean literature and lore to the humans. You can never tell when such legends will give them the strength to defy all the odds against them in a difficult situation, and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat." He thought of Sam, and how the hobbit had often, in his finer moments during the War of the Ring, spoken of legends and stories to inspire himself and the others. He felt convinced that if Alanna did this, the army he was trying to build would be that much stronger.
In spite of her misgivings, Alanna's eyes had begun to sparkle with interest at the thought of doing more than merely teaching the basics of language. She knew that she would greatly enjoy this if she worked up the nerve to do it.
"You really think me capable of doing this?" She asked, feeling slightly panicky. She realized that this was far more communication between the humans and the Elflings, or even about feeding them tales of bravery and valor. He was entrusting her with their character, with their mental development. And that was a hundred times more terrifying, especially for someone who had never been responsible for anyone but herself. She could tell by Aragorn's ill-concealed expression of surprise followed by wariness that he had his own misgivings, too, but the look on Legolas's face prevented her from giving an outright refusal. No one in her life had ever before looked at her like that, with such faith. She did not want to disappoint him.
"I do," Legolas answered; his intense blue eyes boring into hers. "I trust you."
"And what if I fail?" She threw out at him, "What if they become worse people for having known me?"
Legolas's expression didn't change in the slightest. "Alanna," He said in the same, intense tone, "I trust you."
Alanna was silent for a long moment, torn. She couldn't disappoint him after he'd made a declaration like that, but every instinct in her was screaming that this would go wrong if she agreed. "Alright," She said abruptly, "I'll do it- to the best of my ability. But I hope you know that I'm only agreeing to this because of you. I don't believe I can do this. I think you're setting yourself up for a fall by just- blindly believing in me." She blinked a bit as she realized, too late, how stand-offish she had sounded. She wondered why she had been feeling so moody lately.
Legolas's face, which had lit up in a bright, rare smile the moment she'd given her consent, fell slightly at her words and tone. Alanna winced inwardly and cursed herself for not being more enthusiastic. "I know you're only doing this for me now," He told her with a serious expression, "But I hope someday, you'll start to enjoy it and begin doing it for yourself. You should also know that I take my duties as a teacher very seriously. If I find that you are bad for my students, I will not allow you to continue to teach them. You don't need to worry about failing, because I would never let you get that far without stopping you."
Alanna let out a relieved breath, feeling more reassured. "Alright then," She said, in a happier tone, "I'll look forward to teaching them." Her eyes widened suddenly. "Oh! I'm going to have to plan their lessons! I have barely any time, too!" Her mind working a league a minute, she leapt to her feet, abandoning her little-touched breakfast with such alacrity that Legolas was amused.
"What about your breakfast?" He called out after her as she hurried towards the door, "You barely ate a morsel!"
"I'm not hungry," She shouted over her shoulder, "For some reason, I could barely stand the smell of the sausages this morning. Perhaps I'll ask Calianna to give me some broth later." She disappeared around the corner.
"I'm willing to wager my entire kingdom that she'll do nothing of the kind," Legolas remarked, shaking his head after her, "She's completely lost to the world when she's in that library. She won't realize that she's hungry. I'll have to tell Calianna to take her some broth myself."
"Legolas, are you sure this is a good idea?" Aragorn asked, referring to the arrangement that had just taken place. "You know what an impact every small thing has on them when they're this young. The stories she tells them now will stick in their heads for the rest of their lives. You're entrusting her to shape the people they become."
"I'm entrusting her with a lot more than that," Legolas replied evenly, "You know, Aragorn, that many things are going change this year, now that I am the King of Greenwood. I've been through a great deal with my current students over the last year, so I can trust that their view of me will remain unaltered. But the new students? They'll think all their problems, big or small, are too petty to bother me with. I don't want to allow some severe case of bullying or an argument blown out of proportion because it festered for too long without intervention. As King, I'm not very approachable, but Alanna is. She's friendly, warm, and she wasn't brought up as a royal so she won't act like one." He knew he could sometimes unwittingly intimidate his students when he chastised them over some minor transgression by unconsciously adopting a regal air. Alanna, with all her little airs and eccentricities, would never be in danger of doing that.
"And you think her capable of this," Aragorn said, still doubtful. "Giving advice, soothing homesickness, curbing bullies- we both know it isn't as easy as it sounds. Children can be dreadfully obtuse at times, and stubborn. Nothing anyone says to them will have much effect on them unless that person earns their respect."
Legolas thought back to his conversation with Alanna. She had displayed a streak of realism in her which he would never have dreamed she possessed until that morning; he was fairly convinced that she would give advice not based on what people wanted to hear, but on what they needed to hear. She would not say that everything was going to be alright when it wasn't, and would not disillusion the children by giving them false hope. That, if nothing else, would earn their respect. Every parental instinct Legolas possessed was screaming that this woman would do wonders for his children. So he answered without hesitation: "I think she is capable of this. We just have to give her a chance to prove herself."
Aragorn studied him for a long moment, wondering what had filled him with such conviction, but when Legolas didn't volunteer any information, he nodded, deciding to follow his friends' instincts. As for Legolas, he was quite amazed at how exhilarated and overjoyed he felt that Alanna had agreed to take on such a significant role in the children's lives. He knew it would take centuries to alter Alanna's idea of her low self-wroth, but he had promised himself that if he could give her nothing else from their marriage, he would give her this, no matter how many years it took. And today he had taken the first step down that path. If Alanna gained the respect of the children, as he felt sure she would, perhaps she could start to respect herself as well. He smiled a bright, fierce smile as he drained the last of his apple juice, reveling in the hard rock of satisfaction which had lodged itself in his heart.
TBC…
Terribly sorry for the long wait. I was attacked by writer's block, so it took weeks to write this one chapter. I'm back now, however. I What did you guys think of this chapter? How does the idea of Alanna teaching sound to you? Please review!