Don't You Remember?
Chapter 21 - Choices
Her vision tunneled in on Rick and the rest of the world went silent. She tried to turn over his words in her head. Daryl. Accident. There's been an accident. What kind of accident? Her brain wasn't connecting with her mouth. She wanted to ask, but she was just standing there, her hands at her sides, mouth slightly open, staring.
"He's okay," Rick said next and the tightness in her chest loosened slightly. "But he's in the hospital."
She processed that, the word hospital and it terrified her. She knew it was because last time they were in a hospital they'd fallen into a different world. What if that happened to Daryl?
"What happened?" Her voice sounded foreign to her ears and the world seemed so warped and out of place that she wondered if she'd actually said it out loud.
"Merle," Rick said. "There was an incident with Merle. He was high and attacked Daryl in a fit of hallucinations," he said hurriedly. "Beat the crap out of him. He's pretty banged up, but he'll live."
"Does he still…" she swallowed, looking up to study Rick's face. They met eyes. "Does he still remember?"
"Yeah." He nodded. She sucked in air, tried to fill her lungs and hot tears of relief came slowly. Rick spoke again. "He asked me to come see if you'll come to see him. He wants to apologize."
Beth closed her eyes, remembering how she'd felt earlier that day when she'd woken up alone. How angry she'd been at him for leaving. The emptiness. The whole day filled with tears. How destroyed she'd felt realizing he could disappear from her life forever. But none of it came close to canceling out how she felt right now.
She knew that she needed to see him.
Realizing that Daryl must have told Rick some sort of version of what happened last night, she flushed against her will and twisted her toe into the dirt driveway. "Yeah, alright," she said quietly.
Rick let out a breath and nodded towards her, going around to the other side of the car to open the door for her. She got inside, thinking she would text Maggie later to let her know where she'd gone. She'd been in this car just a day ago, but it felt like years since then after everything that had happened with Daryl. It seemed like everything had changed.
"Is he at Grady?" she asked him, unsure, as he got into the car and started the engine. She wasn't positive she could handle going back there again. She'd sort of had enough of Grady and Atlanta, for a while.
Rick shook his head. "No, the local hospital they got over by Dawsonville - Chestatee Regional." Well, that gave her some relief. But she still didn't like the idea of him being in a hospital, no matter which one it was.
She was still tearing apart Rick's story in her head about Daryl, and something wasn't sitting right. Finally, she realized what it was. The kiss in the rain. Daryl's cell phone ringing. Merle, locked up. "I thought Merle was in jail?"
They'd reached the end of the driveway and Rick turned out onto the main road. "Yeah, well, that's the interesting part of this whole thing." He was faced towards the road, but Beth could see him watching her from the corner of his eyes. "He told Daryl that someone named Philip bailed him out."
"Philip?" She racked her brain for the familiar name. "As in, The Governor Philip?" Beth asked in a gasp.
"If I was to guess, I'd say you were right. He had said he was keeping tabs on everyone he'd met in the old world. Merle was a big part of Woodbury, even though he betrayed him. I'd reckon he'd want to see what Merle remembered."
"Does Merle remember?" She thought back to how he looked on the front porch when she'd seen him last. Dressed in nothing but underwear, eyes rolling in his head. High. Completely unaware of what was going on around him.
"Hard to say," Rick answered. "He's in bad shape, Daryl said. He would have never attacked him otherwise."
Beth nodded. She knew that was true. As much of an asshole as Merle Dixon was, he always looked out for his younger brother. She knew drugs could really do things to a person. Change them. Destroy their lives. She remembered Daryl telling her stories, in the old world, how he always stayed away from that kind of crap. Smoked a little pot here and there, but never the hard stuff. Merle had done enough drugs for them both.
"He told me what happened," Rick said then. "That he left you." He looked at her again from the corner of his eye. "He felt pretty rotten about it."
Beth sighed. "Daryl is stubborn," she said. "He thinks I'm better off without him."
"And what do you think?" Rick asked, sounding like her father.
"I think he's bein' stupid."
Rick nodded. "So do I. Told him so too."
"And what'd he say to that?"
Rick thought for a minute, rubbing his chin with his hand like he was thinking. "He's worried about all sorts of things. Waking up in this world has been rough for all of us, but Daryl doesn't think he's any good to anyone anymore." Rick turned towards her then as they pulled up to a red light. "He's afraid."
"Of what?" Beth asked, looking at Rick.
"Of startin' over. Of not havin' much but the clothes on his back…Of you," Rick said with a small smile. "He's afraid of how he feels. I think this kind of stuff," he paused awkwardly, "with women, is…new for him." He looked back at the road as the light changed. "But you know Daryl. He just wants to do the right thing. He's trying. He made a mistake and he feels shitty about it. He might just need a little guidance."
Rick's words settled and she thought them through, realizing she hadn't really thought of Daryl as being afraid, just that he was being a stubborn asshole. She sort of thought, that much like everyone else, he was treating her like a child, choosing what he thought was the right thing for her. The right decision.
She'd thought about it all wrong though. Daryl had shown her that she could be strong, she could be brave - he took her thoughts and opinions and advice into consideration. He valued what she thought, and just because they were here now in this new world, it didn't mean that changed. She felt horrible for not realizing it sooner. She should have known how he felt.
"I love him," Beth said to Rick. She wasn't sure why she'd said it, but she did. She needed someone else to know.
Rick nodded, understandingly. Knowingly. "I know," he said, and then added, "He loves you too, you know."
She nodded then. She did know that. "Yeah," was all she said in response. "I know."
She looked out the window to the flat land that they were passing. Green, vast and boring. It never got old to Beth, seeing the world the way it was now. She would never forget what it used to look like - the world felt like it was on fire - untouchable and frightening. Everything was a threat. Every choice you made determined whether you lived or died.
At first, she thought it might be extremely difficult to readjust to this kind of life, but she found it was much simpler than she originally thought. She was accepting of it. She allowed new routines and rituals to take over. She gave up the fear. She was okay with it. She thought, maybe everyone else had been like that too, but maybe…maybe, not. Maybe now she needed to take the time to really understand how Daryl was feeling.
"How's Michonne holdin' up?" Beth asked casually, trying to move on from her thoughts.
Rick didn't answer, so she turned towards him. His grip on the steering wheel had tightened. Knuckles white. Jaw clenched. "I'm not sure." He said it quietly. "I haven't talked to her since the other night." There was sadness embedded in his words.
"It was overwhelming," Beth tried to rationalize. "She probably just needs some time."
"You're right," he agreed with a nod. "I want to give her some time before I go knockin' down her door. She's gotta make her own decision about this. I don't want to influence her. She needs to figure out what's the best decision for herself. She's got a family. She's got a whole life."
"We all do," Beth answered quickly. "You got a family too. Judith, Carl - Lori." That just sort of slipped out. She hadn't really meant to bring her up. She was sure it was a sore subject for Rick, but he didn't turn towards her to acknowledge it at all. Instead, his grip loosened on the steering wheel.
"I want to be with Michonne," Rick said simply. "Lori and me," he shook his head, "that ship's sailed. Plus, she's got Shane now and," his voice cracked. "Things'll work themselves out. They always do. Nothin's harder than what we already went through." He stopped again at another stoplight and looked at her.
She nodded her head towards him. "Yeah," she responded. "You're right."
"Michonne. Havin' her son back, I think she's just afraid of losing him again, even though it's not rational. She changed after he died. If she didn't want to remember his death and what happened and the choices she had to make then, well," he shook his head, "I can't say I blame her. I can barely imagine that pain. And we all went through horrific things."
"They made us who we are though," Beth argued timidly. "I wouldn't be me if I hadn't been through all of those things, especially with Daryl. I can't imagine what she went through. But I also can't imagine forgettin'. She can still be a Mom to Andre and remember."
"I think so too." He sounded grateful for her input. "I think it's painful for her to try to make this decision. I got no business tellin' her what's right and what's wrong. She knows I'm here for her, if she decides to remember. I ain't gonna forget her, that's for sure. No matter what she decides."
The conversation was more painful than she anticipated it to be. She felt sorry for both Rick and Michonne. How complicated this process must be for them with kids to think about it on top of it all. It suddenly felt like what her and Daryl were going through was child's play.
"Are you doin' okay, Rick?" she asked, genuinely curious, turning towards him in her seat.
He let out a low sigh, his shoulders slumping. He didn't look at her though, he kept his focus on the road. "Yeah," he said honestly. "I'm okay. There's just, a lot going on at home. Carl doesn't remember and I can't decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Judith," he frowned, stopping himself. "It's difficult."
Because she's not yours. "I can imagine," Beth said softly. "I miss her. Judith. Since the prison."
"Don't blame you," Rick responded, still sad. "You were like a mother to her. And, god. I love that little girl like she's my own," Rick said. "I can't imagine her not bein' part of my family. There was always that chance that she wasn't mine, you know? But now…I know." He was rubbing his chin again. "It's just difficult to accept." He let a breath go. "And needing to deal with Shane all over again. I'm not sure I'm equipped for it."
"Oh you can do anything," Beth said to him and he slightly smiled at that. "Nothin's harder than what we already went through," she echoed his words.
"Thanks Beth," he said. "And, ain't that the truth?"
Dealing with the new world, while remembering the old. It would take some time. It would take some effort on her part to settle into a new normal, but she wasn't willing to give it up. She wasn't willing to give Daryl up. She couldn't imagine her life without him.
A/N: Short chapter tonight, sorry about that. I thought about combining this chapter and the next one, but I really wanted this to just be a Beth and Rick chapter, so…yeah. Plus, next chapter we'll see Daryl and there will be some bigger, heavier things happening so that sort of needs to stand alone on its own. Anyway, THANK YOU for reading, following and favoriting and please leave a review!