Chapter 20: Killing Me Softly

P.O.V. Bella

Later that day, I woke up groggy and weak. I looked down at my arms and noticed the cuts were mainly clotted up. I smiled at the memory of being able to forget throught my cuts. I stood up, gingerly kneeling. I felt my hair stick to the ground. I looked at the floor and groaned. The floor was stained with dry blood. I stood up and went downstairs.

As I walked to the garage, I looked at my watch and saw that it was 4:27 p.m. I hurried to tha garage to grab the mop beacuse Charlie was getting here in two hours. In the garage, I found a bucket where I could put the bloody water in.

I went upstairs and cleaned the bloody mess up. When I finished mopping, I flushed the crimson water down the toilet. I washed my hands and went to my room.

There truly wasn't anything to do. I was basically lifeless after HIM. He was my everything, my life, my world. Now he was my forbidden memory, yet I was afraid to forget him completely. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget, I mused in my head.

My once full life was empty. He was like a light that blinded me, then when he left I wasn't able to see anything. I wanted it end. Or to fall asleep the rest of my life and never wake up. Maybe this would be just a nightmare. A horrible realistic nightmare.

I would wake up in his cold, muscular arms. He would kiss me and everything would be okay. He would tell me it was all a dream. I would look into his topaz eyes and know it's true.

No.

Everything will not be okay. I'm messed up, broken. I cut to try and feel pain. I'm dying physically and mentally. Nope, nothing was okay at all.

I stared up at the ceiling thinking of him.

I realized I did the best thing I could do for him. He didn't deserve someone like me. An average, clumsy, magnet for trouble, and now a cutter teenager. I was ill with cancer, getting sicker and looking worse each day. The vile sickness was eating me alive, making me nearer to death everyday. I was practically in it's grasp.

I felt broken, I was broken. Why would he want someone like me? I wasn't worth anything. I should just end my misery right now, but I couldn't because Charlie would lose me sooner than he thought he would.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn't deserve an angel like him. His perfection, his health, his understanding for the world. Deep down, I also feared his perfection because I knew one day he would realize I was not good enough for him. I beat that realization when I broke up with him.

I turned to my bedside table and opened the top drawer. I grabbed my journal, then closed the drawer. I grabbed a pen that was on top of the bedside table and flipped open my jounal to a blank page. I wrote:

I feel like dying.

I let out another giggle, then sobered up. I laughed because the poem was true. Maybe I wanted to die right now. I certainly did feel screwed up and depressed. The people at school will probably give me a reputation as a cutter, which was true, or as an emo, which was also not far off.

I glanced off into space, then flipped open another clean page. I wrote again. When I finished, I read it over. It said:

Am I really alive without him? Or am I really dead already? Maybe I should kill myself 'cause I'm already dead.

I finally burst into tears. My writing show me how fucked up I really am. I'm too screwed up. The state of my life is killing me softly and quietly.

My life has truly become my living hell.

But, maybe soon everything will be okay. Once I die, I will not remember and suffer. Maybe there is no afterlife, heaven, or hell, that way I just fade into nothing and will not see what happens to Jasper.

There is nothing that will save me from myself.

Sometime later I fell into unconciousness. I called it unconciousness because I did not dream at all. I even think that I didn't talk at all. Nor did I even move around. When I woke up the next day, I was in the same position I fell asleep in. Summer vacation was going to be a drag without HIM to distract me.

Later that afternoon, I made dinner quickly. Then once it was done, I ate it scorching hot because I did not want to be questioned by Charlie about my clothes, hair, and sudden hate for the world and life.

I ran upstairs, never tripping accidently once. There, I lay on my bed. Then, I stared at the ceiling, becoming numb of everything. I let my brain slow down, so I wouldn't think at all. I felt nothing, I was nothing. I could probably have been killed and died easily without me even noticing I was in pain. I just stared into empty space, fading into what I called my personal hell. Nothing meant anything to me anymore.

I stared for hours, maybe days for all I know, until I started to feel restless. I sat up in my bed and looked around my room. I felt like I was being watch, observed.

I looked at the window and saw a flash of green eyes. I growled, clearly not pleased becase those green eyes have been following me since I was still with Jas... HIM. I needed to put an end to this stalking.

I stood up and grabbed a newly black hoodie from my closet. Then I went to my desk and grabbed my flashlight. I checked my watcha and saw it was around midnight, so Charlie was asleep. I walked downstairs and out the door, carefully as to not make th floorboards squeak with my weight.

I opened the back door of the house and stepped outside. I bent down to a flower pot where we kept an extra key of the house and grabbed it. I stood up and locked the door. I slipped the key in my pocket and clicked on my flashlight.

I started walking into the woods with sudden courage and anger at whatever was stalking me.

I'm going to put an end to this even if it kills me.