Chapter 21: The Worst Transformation

Remus swirled water around his mouth, before spitting it out into the sink, unsuccessful in his attempt to remove the taste of vomit from his mouth. James, Sirius and Peter were all still asleep, completely unaware that their friend had been woken up by the nightmare of when he was first attacked by a werewolf once again. Every month his dreams reminded him of the night he became a monster and his life changed forever. He had pulled a pillow over his face before he fell asleep to muffle his screams and pulled over the curtains so that his friends would not notice him thrashing about in his bed as his mind was tormented by his worst memory. He was used to it now, waking up, running to the bathroom before he was sick and composing himself in time to act normal around his friends, completely hiding how terrible he felt on the day of the full moon. He shakily slid down to sit on the floor, his skin pale, his eyes closed. He was so tired but too afraid to go back to sleep.

'It's weird though, isn't it?' Sirius said. 'We're almost finished a whole year here. It's weird.'

'Yes, but what if we don't pass the end of year exams? Will they not let us back?' Peter worried, flicking through the notes that he had copied off Remus.

'Nah, it's only the OWLs and NEWTs that are actually important. End of year exams just show how you're getting on,' James replied lazily.

The four friends were lounging about underneath a tree overlooking the Black Lake. Three were conversing whilst Remus was reading, occasionally looking up to glance over at the astonishing view of the reflected sun along the lake and the mountains on the horizon. He couldn't really concentrate on the words, he was hot with a fever, his head was pounding and his eyesight had blurred but he didn't want to join in the conversation in case he threw up when he opened his mouth. He hated lycanthropy.

'What do you think, Remus?'

'Hmm?'

'I thought you had zoned out,' James laughed. 'We were just talking about doing a prank on the last day of school?'

'Oh, yeah, definitely,' Remus replied, his head getting lighter and more painful by the minute. He raised his eyes to look at the sun, and how it was sinking lower and lower behind the mountains. The moon would be up soon. The full moon. His heart began to beat in irregular patterns as he began to panic.

'Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep calm,' he thought to himself, as his breathing became erratic.

James, Sirius and Peter had begun excitedly discussing prank ideas so Remus lifted up his book again and hid behind it, until he had calmed down. The sun was sinking lower. The moon was getting closer. He was feeling so ill. The moon would be up soon. He was feeling worse by the minute. The sun was sinking lower. He had to come up with an excuse. The moon would be up soon. He hadn't planned an excuse for today. He had forgotten. How could he forget? If only Sirius hadn't been ill yesterday, he might have come up with something. How could he be stupid enough to forget, he –

'Remus, come here, have you ever seen this spell before?'

Cautiously, the small boy heaved himself onto his knees and crawled over to his friends, surprised that his limbs still worked. He took his place in the circle and looked at the books with the fever getting to be too much until he had to take off his jumper and sit in his shirt.

'Remus, aren't you cold? It's freezing!' Peter gasped, pulling his robes tighter around himself.

'No it's not! It's really warm!' Remus replied, still looking at the books, and feeling a shiver run down his spine.

'Right you, up!' Sirius said, grabbing his friend by the arms and pulling him to his feet.

'Sirius, don't!'

'No, not 'Sirius, don't!' It's cold out here, Remus. You're warm. You're going to the Hospital Wing. After yesterday, do you really think I'm going to take any chances with my friends?' Sirius growled, tightening his grip around the boy's chest.

'Blimey, Remus, you're really burning up!' James said, standing up to support the smallest boy as his legs began to buckle.

'Remus! Remus, don't faint, look at me, and don't faint. It'll be ok; you'll be fine, yeah?' Peter called, holding onto his friends face.

'Yeah, I'll be fine. I've got you guys.'

Then he gave in and allowed the world to go black as he crumpled to the ground.

Blood. The wolf smelt blood. It was on the ground. How was it supposed to eat if the blood was on the floor? Outside. There would be food outside this room. The wolf threw itself repeatedly against the door but it wouldn't budge. It scratched at the walls, and tried to dig through the floorboards, eventually resorting to scratching itself in frustration. It didn't like being here, stuck here, trapped. It was sick of being alone, sick of being hidden. Anger rising, it ripped chunks out of itself and flung its body around the room, yelping at the sound of a bone snapping. Each time it got hurt, the wolf became angrier, ripping and tearing more and more all through the night.

'Guys, don't you think it's strange how often Remus gets ill or has to leave because someone in his family is ill?' James asked, flopping down on the couch in the empty Gryffindor Common Room.

'Thank you! Someone agrees with me! I thought I was just over thinking things,' Sirius replied. 'I mean, I can understand this one since it's kind of my fault...but over the holidays I couldn't help but think about it. He left a few times because he said that his mother was deathly ill but he said in his letters that he was always home alone because she was constantly working. Someone who was that ill couldn't just suddenly jump up and be alright again and hop off to work. Or at least, not work as much as she does.'

'It's not your fault he's ill, Sirius,' Peter reassured his friend. 'But I have to admit that I've been getting suspicious as well. It seemed to be a bit...frequent. I mean, have you noticed that it's always very...timed?'

'Timed?' Sirius asked.

'He always leaves every month. Every single month. He left in October, then again in November, then in December –'

'Yeah, we get it, Pete,' James interrupted. 'I've never noticed that. Every month? There's something that he's not telling us.'

'I don't think he will tell us. If he's been keeping it a secret from us, he's not going to just open up to us because we ask,' Sirius said.

'We could try and find out,' Peter suggested.

'You know, Pete, I think that's the best idea you've ever had,' James agreed, pulling out a bit of parchment and a quill. 'Right. What do we know?'

'He's gone every month.'

'He always comes up with an excuse.'

'He's always ill the day that he leaves.'

'Yeah, and he looks like a right mess when he gets back. As if he hasn't slept in days.'

'He's always covered in bandages.'

'He doesn't eat.'

'He doesn't eat?'

'Haven't you noticed? In the Great Hall he just cuts everything up really small and pushes it around his plate so it looks like he's eaten it but he hasn't.'

'Oh, I'm going to kill him!'

'Sirius, focus!'

'Right, sorry James, um, he's always gone for a few days after he leaves.'

'Ok, I think that's enough to go by for now,' James concluded, putting down the quill. 'I think we should keep this a secret. Remus will be furious if he finds out that we're going being his back.'

'Agreed.'

'Agreed.'

The sun slowly began to rise back over the horizon and the wolf howled and its bones began to crunch, break and grind themselves into smaller bones. The howls turned into screams and the claws disappeared into new skin and turned into blood encrusted fingernails. After the agony was over the small body of a boy was lying crumpled on the ground in an ever expanding pool of blood. Remus was scared. He hadn't ever felt pain like this. It was excruciating to simply take a breath and he felt strength leave his body as the blood continued to seep out of his veins and the world went black once more.

Remus's eyes slowly and groggily opened. He was in an abnormally clean white room that he had never seen before. He couldn't move. His arms and legs were tied down to the bed. He panicked and tried to pull away but felt unbearable pain ripping through his entire body. Eyes darting around this strange room, he tried to scream but his voice wouldn't work. Fear rising, he twisted around in the covers frantically until he heard a strange noise and felt a drug working its way into his bloodstream. Heart thudding in terror, he felt his eyelids droop and he fell into unconsciousness once more.

'Madam Pomfrey! We're back!'

James, Sirius and Peter strolled into the Hospital Wing. They had been ordered to stay away after they carried Remus there, but assumed that he would be better by now like Sirius was so had come back.

'Back? Back for what?' Madam Pomfrey asked, surreptitiously stepping in front of the boys so that they couldn't see that their friend was missing.

'To get Remus,' James replied with a grin, trying to step around her and failing.

'I'm sorry boys, he's not well enough yet,' the matron replied, unaware that Sirius had snuck behind her into the ward of beds and found them all empty.

'He's not here,' Sirius said to James and Peter. 'Why isn't he here?'

'Now, really boys, I think you should be going now-'

'Where is he? Remus! REMUS! REMMY! WHERE ARE YOU? STOP HIDING!' Sirius yelled, soon joined by Peter and James.

'Now boys, really!'

The three friends stopped abruptly at the stern voice of Professor McGonagall.

'I think you had better leave now,' Madam Pomfrey ushered, putting her hand on Sirius's shoulder and trying to push him away but he refused to leave and stood him ground.

'I'm not leaving. Not until I find out what's going on with Remus!' Sirius said, sitting cross legged on the floor.

'Me neither,' Peter agreed, copying the action.

'We'll stay here all night if we have to,' James added, sitting on the floor with his friends.

Professor McGonagall looked as if she was about to take House Points away from the boys but her face softened and she actually smiled at them. James was shocked. He didn't know she knew how to smile.

'I'm sure Mr Lupin would be touched by your loyalty,' she smiled down at them.

'Well, I'm sure he would as well but he's not here to see it. So where is he?' Sirius demanded.

'Yeah, we took him in here yesterday after he passed out. Madam Pomfrey said he had caught the flu off Sirius and we had to leave him alone while he rested. But Sirius was fine after a few hours. Remus has had all night, where is he?' Peter said, staring defiantly at the two witches standing above him.

'Mr Lupin is very ill,' Professor McGonagall began. It was terrible. As head of Gryffindor house, she was called down, along with Professor Dumbledore, to the Shrieking Shack to see the mangled body of what was barely recognisable as little Remus Lupin. There was no other option, he was sent to St Mungo's and an alibi was improvised early this morning to avoid suspicion.

'It was not the flu as we had first thought, but a virus,' she continued. 'I agreed this morning that the best thing for him was to be sent to St Mungo's-'

'WHAT?!' James shouted, jumping to his feet.

'When were we going to be told?!' Peter demanded.

'I want to see him RIGHT NOW!' Sirius yelled.

'I'm afraid I can't allow tha-'

'I DON'T CARE! I WANT TO SEE REMUS!' three voices bellowed in unison.

'Ok, but not now. I will allow you to see him when he is ready to have visitors,' Madam Pomfrey said, with a slightly hesitant but agreeing nod from Professor McGonagall.

'But-'

'No 'buts'. That is the only agreement I can come to,' Professor McGonagall interrupted, ending the conversation.

The three Gryffindors consented huffishly and sat in their dormitory that night, casting sad glances at their missing friend's empty bed, constantly wondering what was going on and why Remus was hiding something from them. They had to find out what was going on with him. No more excuses. No more lies. If Remus won't tell them the truth, they'll find it out for themselves.