Author's Note: Just as a quick reminder, this story contains MAJOR spoilers. ESPECIALLY IN THIS CHAPTER. If you haven't gotten to the second or third of December in your game yet and don't want spoilers, I HIGHLY SUGGEST WAITING TO READ THIS.
Thanks much.
Faux Pas
Twenty-First's End
I think everyone in the dorm was relieved to see Bebe holding my hand again the next morning. I was happy that everyone welcomed him back without bitter feelings, particularly Aigis who seemed to sense that there was no more tension between us. Bebe told Mitsuru that he would come back whenever we decided to return to Tartarus, which was good for everyone to know, especially since I would no longer struggle with Bebe there.
Upon returning to school, my friends were equally pleased to see that I wasn't unhappy. The rumors had begun flying again; mostly involving what almost happened if it hadn't been for Mitsuru. My friends, of course, didn't really care whether or not if they were true. I didn't see Ryoji in class that day, but Kaz and Kenji were happy to see me in good spirits again.
"Dude, you seriously looked dead all week," Kenji told me in the classroom, "I was sort of worried that it wasn't going to work for you guys, but I'm happy it did. I can't… I can't see you with anyone else. You're meant for each other. I want to have the same kind of connection with Emiri..."
I smiled at him.
"I want that for you too," I said, "I wish you both every happiness."
I was glad that Career Experience week was over with so I could go to Fashion Club with Bebe. Since the confusion had been cleared up and I was no longer confused about what I was feeling toward him, we were growing as comfortable with each other as we had been in Kyoto. Initially, Bebe seemed a little guilty about everything he'd put me through in the past days, but I didn't want to think about it. I only wanted to think about him.
When it got late, we walked home together again hand-in-hand.
"Eet's been awhile since we've kissed like zat…" Bebe said, blushing shyly.
"Yeah…" I said, smiling at him warmly, "I missed you a lot…"
Bebe rested his head against mine as we walked along.
"I'm so sorry, Tetsuya… I know I said a lot of 'orrible zings to you… demo… I didn't mean any of eet… I… I was just scared. I was being stupid, as usual…"
"You weren't being stupid," I said, "I was being stupid. When you were asking about the Social Links, I thought you meant that I was trying to make our relationship stronger. It's like I said; your Arcana is so rare that I haven't seen a Persona with the same one. I really don't have any other reason that I want to be with you other than… well… just being with you."
Bebe smiled.
"I know… I know zat now," he said, "But… when you kept saying 'I like you' eet scared me. I was worried zat you were trying to tell me zat you only liked me. You know… my aunt always told me to be careful of ozers trying to use me or to be careful of whom I fell in love wiz. I didn't zink you were zat kind of person, but… let's face eet. You're just too good to be true."
I looked at him.
"But… I'm not lying to you. I always tell you what I'm thinking. I always tell you everything straight from my heart," I promised.
He grinned.
"And zat's why you're too good," he said, "But you're very true… I love you, Tetsuya. I always 'ave."
"I love you too, Bebe. I could never love anyone else…"
We were just outside the dorm, and it was so dark that night. Well, aside from the moon that shone brightly in the sky. It would be full the next day. It was hard to remind myself that full moons didn't mean anything anymore. When it wasn't the Dark Hour, the moon was beautiful… We stopped at the door and held each other for awhile. He was so warm that I didn't even feel December's first chilly night in the air anymore. Bebe held me close to him.
"Tetsuya…?" he asked softly.
"Yeah…?"
"…I… I don't want to leave you…"
I looked back at him, curious.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He looked at me, pained a little.
"You said you wanted me to go back to France," he said quietly, "I… still don't know when you decided zat… and I will still put my foot down. Even if we 'ave to fight about eet again. I don't want to leave you."
I rested my forehead against his, smiling sympathetically.
"Bebe, I want you to be safe," I said, "I had Fuuka check out France with Juno and she said the Shadows were only here. You'd be safer at home."
"France eez not my 'ome," Bebe said, "You are. And I can't imagine being safer anywhere else zan I am 'ere wiz you, Tetsuya…"
I blushed. His words were filled with so much faith and trust. Even though I thought I had a good hold on my decision, I felt it slowly changing.
"You… you think being with me is safer…?" I asked.
He nodded.
"I believe in you… I believe zat you can keep me safe. You never let me down… and… I want to be everyzing you need me to be. We keep each ozer strong…"
For once, I felt like I really could do anything. As long as he believed I could protect him, I could. He wouldn't be like Chidori. I wouldn't let him get into a situation where he would die. As long as he was with me, I could keep him safe. I could keep his heart beating…
"…Bebe… as long as I can keep you safe… I want you with me…" I said, "I don't want you to go."
He smiled, inhaling with a soft breath. Leaning forward again, he kissed my lips lovingly.
As I began to kiss him back, I heard a familiar voice coming from inside the dorm. It wasn't anyone from S.E.E.S. so I became curious. We went inside to find Ryoji sitting around with Junpei, Yukari, Fuuka, Akihiko, and Ken. They looked up at us as we walked in.
"Oh! You're back!" Yukari smiled, "Ryoji-kun stopped by to check up on you two and Junpei."
Ryoji stood up and went to us with a contented smile.
"They told me you made up," he said, "Is everything okay now?"
Bebe smiled at him happily.
"Hai!" he chirped, "Everyzing eez okay!"
Ryoji grinned.
"Glad to hear it," he said, "I've been really worried about you guys. It seems like there's been a lot of trouble with everyone in the dorm lately, so I'm happy to see things are okay with you all again. See, I told you it would all work out."
I was still confused about something. This was the first I'd seen of Ryoji all day. And we had just come home from school. Ryoji was always punctual… always present…
"Uh, hey… where were you at school today?" I asked.
Ryoji scratched his head sheepishly.
"Ah, I didn't feel so good last night, so I slept in. I'm still feeling a little weird, but I had to come and see you. I figured Junpei was feeling a little better, but I wanted to see where you two were at," he said, "You know you guys are all my best friends…"
"You're a very good best friend," Bebe said, "Arigatou for everyzing you've done for us…"
Ryoji looked down shyly.
"I-It's the least I could do," he said, "You had my back, so I've got yours."
He checked his watch.
"Well… I probably shouldn't stay much longer," he said, "I've gotta study for exams and I need to rest up so I can get better. You make sure you get rest too, okay?"
"Hai, take care," Bebe grinned.
Ryoji ruffled Bebe's hair affectionately, then smiling at me. I couldn't help but smile back. We all said our goodbyes to him as he left the dorm. I sort of worried that he might be cold, but I figured he'd be okay. He was a pretty sturdy guy.
As the door clicked, I heard someone else enter the room. Aigis stepped into the lobby, acting wary.
"Was that Ryoji Mochizuki…?" she asked, her eyes narrow and her tone hostile.
Oh my God. Settle down already. He hasn't done anything.
"Yeah," I replied.
"He is not supposed to be here," Aigis said tartly, "Visitors are not allowed."
"Yeah, but Mitsuru said it was okay if he came by during the daytime," said Akihiko.
"He just stopped by to check up on everyone," Ken said.
"He's really sweet, isn't he?" Yukari asked, "I mean, at first I thought he was just another Junpei, but he's actually really adorable."
"Yeah he's a cool guy," Junpei agreed, then suddenly catching the comment, "H-Hey, hey, wait a sec! What's that supposed to mean?"
We laughed at his slow moment.
"Well… he really helped cheer up Junpei-kun," Fuuka smiled.
Junpei smiled sadly.
"Yeah… well… it's not like moping around is gonna bring her back," he said quietly, "Gotta be strong and fight hard until the very end. I'm glad he helped me realize that."
"He is dangerous."
We all looked at Aigis abruptly.
"Wha-? Ryoji-kun?" Yukari asked, "Well… I guess he did hit on Mitsuru-senpai when he first met her. But I'd hardly call that dangerous."
"He's only dangerous as a lady-killer," I said. Everyone laughed hysterically at my remark. I didn't realize it was that funny, but I guess I was glad to see Bebe laughing. Aigis wasn't amused as usual.
"Come on, Ai-chan," Junpei chuckled, "Lighten up. Ryoji has been nothing but good to us from the start."
"I'm still not convinced you don't have a crush on him," I said, "I mean, it took me forever to figure out I was in love. Maybe that's what you're doing too."
Aigis seemed frustrated.
"I do not like him," she said, "At all. He is dangerous. I do not know why, but he is."
She was such a stubborn thing. I was starting to understand why everyone was always so pissed off at me.
"All right. Fine, whatever…" I muttered.
Irritably, Aigis left the room again, muttering incomprehensibly.
"Poor Aigis…" Bebe said softly.
"I don't know what her problem is…" Yukari said, "Ryoji's even trying to be nice to her."
"Maybe she doesn't want to trust anyone anymore," Fuuka said, "After Ikutsuki betrayed us, she's been keeping her guard up. We can't really blame her for not wanting anyone to get hurt again, but I don't want her to hurt Ryoji-kun's feelings… I mean, how would we explain that to him?"
"I don't think it really bothers him too much," I said, "He's just as cheerful as he's always been, sick or not. As long as it's not bugging him, I don't think we need to get involved."
The others nodded agreeably.
I checked my watch like Ryoji had before me. It really was getting late.
"I guess we'd better get to Tartarus soon," I told them.
The others nodded and began to get up to prepare for training.
It was the first night in awhile that Bebe had come with us to Tartarus. His perception seemed to be a lot better after taking a week off. As a plus, I had never been stronger. I didn't come back to the dorm covered in bruises or aches. Though, to my concern, I realized we were still one member short. Aigis hadn't come with us.
On our way into the school the next morning, Bebe and I spotted her among the crowd, her blond hair standing out like Bebe's did. We called her over and she obeyed without reluctance.
"Hey, where were you last night?" I asked.
She lowered her head.
"I apologize," she said quietly.
While that didn't really answer my question, she didn't seem like she was going to talk about it anymore. Frowning contemplatively, she looked at Bebe for a moment and then at me.
"I know that you have someone willing to protect you already," she said to me, "But I will be here as well. I promise I will not let anything happen to you."
I felt that was sort of a weird thing to say and I think it may have pissed Bebe off a little because he frowned slightly. I don't exactly blame him, since it was kind of a forward thing to tell me in front of my boyfriend… I knew exactly how that felt.
"O-Okay. Thanks," I said, then growing concerned about what she was saying, "Um… is… is something wrong?"
Aigis winced and lowered her head again, keeping her gaze away from me.
"No. Please, do not worry. I am just… taking precaution."
She walked on without us, her stare on the floor and her lips moving slightly as she muttered to herself.
We watched her quietly.
"I wonder… what eez on 'er mind…" Bebe said softly, worried.
I thought for awhile.
"Well… it's a full moon tonight," I said, "She's programmed to defeat Shadows. I'm sure she's just having a hard time understanding that we won't be fighting anything tonight."
"Hm… zat's true…" Bebe murmured, "Eet does feel strange zat no one 'as been talking about ze full moon. Wiz ze last one, eet seemed like zat was all we talked about for a week."
"Yeah, it's always been like that," I said, "I admit… the full moon still makes me uneasy even though I know it doesn't mean anything anymore…"
We thought quietly about it for a moment, hesitantly going into the school. Ryoji was out sick again.
Other than what had been said that morning, we had a fairly normal day like the one before. Bebe and I had a long conversation during lunch, which was probably more talking than I had ever done in one day before. After school, we initially went to Fashion Club, but decided to go to Port Island Station for awhile instead.
We went to another French flick, which was mainly focused on the romantic, star-crossed lovers' forbidden relationship. Despite the cliché theme, the movie was probably the best thing I'd ever seen showing at Screen Shot. Before I met Bebe, my life was devoted to study and philosophy. I never really did anything for amusement like movies. As I watched that particular film, I realized that things may have been sort of different for me if I had.
The love, though extremely sappy in places, seemed so real. For once, I felt like I could relate to it all. I found myself sympathizing with both the man and the woman. Bebe giggled at one point during the movie as the couple spoke softly and lovingly to each other, and I looked back at him questionably. And then I realized I had been leaning in closer. I sat back, blushing in my embarrassment. He moved the armrest and began kissing me.
The movie let out as the sun was setting. Bebe sighed a little as we walked home.
"Arigatou, Tetsuya," he said with a weak smile, "I really enjoyed ze movie."
I cocked my head.
"You okay? You seem a little sad," I said.
His smile fell a little.
"Cosette's fazer… ze mafia leader… 'e reminded me of my uncle," he said, "I 'ad some bad flashbacks…"
I had almost forgotten about his uncle. In fact, I rarely thought about the man at all. He hardly seemed involved with Bebe anymore. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if Bebe and I had never met. He sounded terrible, but… I was keeping Bebe away from him. In that way, I felt like I was saving him twice. Comfortingly, I put my arm around his waist.
"Don't worry," I said, "As long as I'm here, I won't let him do anything to you."
Bebe smiled.
"I know," he said, "Because you're my sweet'eart."
The rest of the walk home was warm and happy.
We returned to the dorm late once again. Everyone was sitting around leisurely.
"Hi," Fuuka greeted us, "How was your day?"
Bebe's hold on my hand tightened a little.
"Eet was wonderful," he said with a smile, "We saw ze new French flick at Screen Shot."
"Oh, that's nice," Yukari replied with a smile, "I heard that was a really good movie."
"I heard there was a real bow-chika-wow-wow sex scene in it," Junpei announced with a big grin. Every single female eye fell upon him exasperatedly while Akihiko face-palmed and Ken perked up curiously at the word "sex."
"Wow. You WOULD hear something like that, Stupei," Yukari muttered, "Look out, everyone. Instead of Fanboy 1, it's Sex Offender 2."
Everyone laughed hysterically as Junpei flipped out over the accusation. Bebe, in the meanwhile, hid his blushing face against my shoulder, likely flashing back to the vivid images that were still fresh in both of our minds.
"A-All that aside," Fuuka giggled, "Did you see Aigis around while you were at Port Island Station?"
The laughing trailed off.
"W-What, she didn't come home?" I asked curiously.
"No, she's been coming back later and later lately," Yukari said, "We were hoping you saw what she was doing."
"No, we 'aven't seen 'er since zis morning," Bebe said.
Fuuka smiled reassuringly.
"I'm sure she's just fine," she said, and then seeming contemplative, "She may be checking around for signs of abnormal activity. The cases of Apathy Syndrome have been on the rise lately. It IS a full moon, after all…"
When we all winced uncomfortably, she quickly continued,
"B-But we shouldn't get too worked up. I mean, I can scan the area just to be sure."
Mitsuru looked at all of us.
"She's right," she said, "I don't think we need to go as far as calling for an operation. There were only twelve Shadows, and we destroyed all of them already. Tonight's Dark Hour will be no different than last night's."
"But, umm, we're not goin' to Tartarus tonight, right?" Junpei asked, "Cause I was kinda hoping to catch a break."
I could tell Mitsuru wanted to point out that he had only just come back, but I don't think she had the heart to remind him why he had been out.
"Well… I don't think we were planning on it," she said, "So I guess tonight would be a good time to rest. Especially for you, Saito. God knows you need it."
Bebe fidgeted slightly.
"Yeah, I guess," I said unsurely, "Rest is always a nice option to turn to. I guess if everyone else is resting up, I should take the chance."
Bebe stared at the floor, troubled by the comment still and seeming guilty. I tugged his hand a little, hinting that we should go upstairs and get some shuteye. Reluctantly, he followed me back to our room.
"Tetsuya-kun!"
Both Bebe and I jumped out of our sleep as Fuuka's voice ran through the green room.
"I'm sorry, but you need to come to the control room immediately! I think… I think we found Aigis at Moonlight Bridge!"
She didn't sound happy or excited. She sounded apprehensive.
I sat up quickly.
"We'll be up in a second," I said.
"Um… 'We'll'?"
"I-I'll tell Bebe," I covered up.
Bebe got out of bed quickly and hurried back to his room to get into uniform. I made sure to dress quickly because Fuuka's tone was scaring me. I wasn't to hearing her this worried. And, again, it was during the Dark Hour. On the night of a full moon. We had every reason to freak out. Nothing good would come of this… and they would only continue to get worse.
When we got to Moonlight Bridge, we found her kneeling on the ground stiffly. Koromaru ran circles around her, barking wildly for us to come quickly. As we approached, I caught a whiff of smoke and heated metal. The small, whirring headphones on Aigis' headband emitted steam and smoke, and I realized she was sparking.
"Aigis!" Yukari cried.
We stood around her, trying to see what was wrong. She twitched jerkily.
"Aigis, daijoubu?" Bebe asked nervously.
She struggled to move, looking at me. Her face was filled with the most humanistic pain… Her eyes were unfocused and she winced as sparks jolted from her head.
"I…" she said softly, extending her hand as if to point somewhere. She was so disoriented; I didn't even think she knew what she was pointing at. In addition to pain, her expression showed utmost fear. I took her hand comfortingly.
"It's gonna be okay," I said, "Save your energy."
Her head fell limply as if she couldn't support it anymore.
"I know why I wanted to be by your side…" she croaked, "I'm sorry… I failed…"
Was she… malfunctioning that badly? I didn't even know what she meant.
"There's no need for you to apologize."
The somber voice was familiar, and the same expression fell over everyone's face. I knew that voice… It sounded like I had known it… for a very long time. Slowly, I turned around. He walked to us shakily, as if he had done something he didn't mean to. Aigis tried to look at him, but a loud noise popped in her circuits and she deactivated lifelessly.
"Y-You?" Bebe exclaimed.
Ryoji's hands trembled as they rose to cover his horror-filled face.
"It's all my fault…" he whimpered, "I remember it all… I'm one of them… the beings you call Shadows…"
We were all on our feet quickly, an odd reaction to jump into.
"H-Huh?" Yukari gasped.
"You're a… Shadow…?" Junpei asked, disbelief all over his face.
Akihiko began to advance toward him with readied fists, but Mitsuru extended her arm to stop him.
"Hold on a second, Akihiko," she said sternly, "He's not showing any signs of aggression."
Ryoji looked between his fingers, tears welling up in his suddenly bright blue eyes.
"I remember… I'm the embodiment of all Shadows…" he breathed, "The Appriser, born from the union of the twelve Arcana. I remember who I am now… and the Shadows… It's all so hard to believe, but… I know it's true… I'm… the thirteenth Shadow… the one that was never meant to be… I… I am Death…"
"You're… Death…?" I asked, vaguely remembering Ikutsuki's last words, "The… embodiment…?"
"You know the 'truth' about Shadows?" Mitsuru asked him, horrified but astounded.
Ryoji began muttering to himself, hysterical. I made out only a little of what he was babbling.
"…here to facilitate the rebirth of the maternal being… drawn to me… Appriser…"
"H-Hang on a second!" Junpei said, "What do you mean you remember? How do you forget that?"
Ryoji lowered his hands back to his sides, his eyes gazing deeply into mine. He stood up a little straighter, the moon shining brightly behind him. His skin was white as the moon was normally, with hair and eyes like night… But when the moon shone against his eyes, I found myself staring into a familiar blue. The small speck by his cheek bone…
"Ten years ago…" he began quietly, "When the Shadows were created… I was born in the lab alongside them… I was never meant to be… I came here… on this night… where Aigis confronted me… She sealed me inside a child who happened to be nearby… He carried me inside him for ten years, and by some twist of fate came back here… as a transfer student."
Every eye fell upon me abruptly. My heart stopped beating completely and my head began to ache with the memories spilling in as Ryoji filled them in once more. I remembered… I remembered everything. Those repressed memories. Those long-forgotten happenings… The gap between the car and the hospital.
The sky turned an eerie green that night and our car broke down on the bridge. My parents thought something was strange about it. Even at my age, I knew something was wrong. I looked outside and saw a terrifying creature. One that now resembles one of my many Personae. Thanatos… A pretty young girl with bright blonde hair stood in the far back. She flew at the monster, and he swung his sword. In fending her off, he hit the car. I braced myself and curled up into a fetal position to defend myself, but my parents didn't have the luck of small size. I remember the car tipping over on one side as it skidded and the front was slammed full-force against the wall of the bridge. Blood exploded in the front and passenger seats, I heard a snap and a crunch, and my parents fell limp. I shrieked, trying to get them to respond to my cries. But I couldn't. Too much damage had already been done. As the engine erupted in flames, I knew I had to get out quickly—even though I didn't want to leave my parents behind… When I scrambled out, I realized that the girl stared at me. The monster took no notice. The fair-haired girl flew toward both of us, her hand full of a mysterious light. She grabbed at the monster's neck and thrust him against me. The pain I felt was unbearable as she held me against the pavement. A bright white light blanked out everything before I lost consciousness. But I remembered kind, sweet words…
"I'm… sorry…"
Ryoji watched painfully as my breathing grew heavier and I slowly lowered myself to the ground.
"Tetsuya… do you know who I am…?" he asked softly.
White skin. Night hair. Blue eyes. Speck… It had to be him… he said we'd meet again one day. And now we were looking each other in the face once again, even if in a different form. It would explain so much. Why he felt so close to me… He had been the prisoner in my soul for ten years, yet we had only met back in April… when I first came back to Tatsumi Port Island… And he reappeared but a week after he left. The Death Arcana… Pharos came back…
"Oh my God…" I whispered, holding my head.
Bebe dropped by my side and clung to me tightly. Ryoji began to cry, covering his face again.
"I'm so sorry…" he wept, teetering weakly, "Tetsu… I'm… sorry…"
He fell forward onto the pavement limply.
"Ryoji-kun!" Fuuka squealed.
Mitsuru went to his side, checking him over.
"He's exhausted…" she said, "We'll take him back with us and I'll take him to the hospital as soon as the Dark Hour is over. If he rests enough, we may be able to have him explain everything else. Someone take Aigis, too. We'll get her back to the lab to make necessary repairs."
Quickly, Fuuka and Ken went to Aigis to help carry her back to the dorm. Mitsuru and Akihiko each took Ryoji, carefully standing him up. My legs felt too weak to rise. I couldn't shake the newly found images. My parents. Their blood covering the front of the car in a thick layer of red… My screams… Mother… Father…
It was difficult to slow my breathing and my head felt light. My eyes burned as if they wanted to cry but couldn't. Everything was black like a shadow… Shadow… Ryoji… He'd lived inside my soul for ten years… all because of a stupid mistake that neither he nor Aigis had ever intended to make. I was like this because of that night ten years ago. I lost everything because of that. My family, my home, my courage, my love, my innocence… And to see Ryoji cry… he knew what all of this meant to me. In fact… he knew everything about me. He saw things that no one else saw. He knew what I felt. He felt my pain. He cried when I figured out who he was… it was like watching my soul break apart.
Gravity seemed to turn on its side and I was falling. I felt myself jerk in midair and felt a pair of arms wrapped around me.
"Tetsuya!"
The blackness began to fade away and I stared up at the green and black sky. The moon shone so brightly, accenting a silhouette that hovered over me. Blue eyes stared at me with concern. Slowly, his features became more distinguishable…
"Tetsuya, come back. Please wake up," Bebe said.
A wet nose pressed against my cheek, sniffing me apprehensively.
"'E's coming to, Koro-chan," Bebe told him gently. Two other figures approached, kneeling close to me.
"Tetsuya, are you okay? Can you stand up?" Yukari's voice was gentle and kind.
"I…"
I was losing words. What was I?
"Come on, let's get back. Here, put your arm on my shoulder. Bebe, get his other arm." Junpei sounded serious and brave. That seemed unusual…
My hand found Junpei's shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around it, my other arm already snugly wrapped around Bebe's shoulder. Both of them stood me up slowly, my legs jelly-like and awkward to stand on with my full weight. They guided me along for a little bit of the way, but my strength to walk came back eventually and I walked on my own after that. Bebe still remained close to my side.
Once we returned to the dorm, everyone dispersed in very different directions. Akihiko and Mitsuru lay Ryoji on the sofa in the lobby. While Mitsuru stayed behind, Akihiko went to help Fuuka and Ken carry Aigis up to the lab. Koromaru, unable to provide much help, stayed out of everyone's way by hiding timidly under the table with his tail between his legs and ears level.
Yukari followed Akihiko upstairs to check on Aigis, and Junpei stayed downstairs with Mitsuru and Ryoji. I guess he wanted to stay with Ryoji the way he was always there for him. I, unfortunately, couldn't make myself stay with him. Every time I looked at him, I was taken back to that night. To re-witness the untimely and gruesome death of my parents…
I began the great ascent to the bedroom, the stairs seeming to multiply in number as I labored up each step. I thought my foot had landed flat, but I had missed the stair by at least an inch. As I began to fall forward, I felt someone grab me quickly. Bebe helped me back up again, gently coaxing me.
"Tetsuya, let me 'elp you…" he said softly, "You don't 'ave to do zis on your own…"
He walked me back to our room slowly, making sure that I sat on the bed before letting go of me. Very timidly, he sat beside me and watched my eyes. He didn't speak. He only waited to see what I wanted him to do. I looked at him, trying to understand what he was thinking. It was clear that he wanted to help me. It was clear that he would stay by my side if I wanted him to; he would leave me be if that's what I wanted.
At the same time, I realized that he could not hide the concern and fear that spilled over his face. Not because of finding out who Ryoji really was, but because he was worried about me. In almost the same sense, he was feeling my pain similarly to the way Ryoji felt it. He was trying to be strong and show me that he could be my comfort, but I knew how truly worried sick he felt. Scared that he wouldn't be able to help me through this. Unlike Ryoji, he never saw my past, so he would never see the things I'd seen. But that didn't mean he couldn't feel my pain.
I had yet to let him know what I wanted. I didn't want him to go. I wanted him close to me. I needed him beside me. He was the only one who could help me through this. And he was willing to. But I didn't want him to see me hurt. I couldn't do this to him. I needed to be strong for him. I couldn't let him see me cry. I finally understood why he insisted on being alone when his aunt passed away. We were the same…
Though I didn't cry, I buried my face against his chest, wrapping my arms around him tightly. I felt one arm around me while his hand smoothed my hair back comfortingly, his lips pecking my forehead and my hair. My breath shuddered in something of a dry cry as I held him close to me. The dearest and only one I had. The only person that I loved. The one whose death would be the most painful loss. He was the one that I could never afford to lose…
"Bebe…?" I whispered.
"Yes, Tetsuya…?" he asked.
I swallowed.
"…don't leave me the same way they did…"
A single tear fell onto my head, and I held him even closer to me. That was the only night our roles reversed. The only night Bebe waited for me to fall asleep.
I sat in my homeroom between classes the following afternoon, still not completely healed after recovering my lost memories. I must have been wearing that "dead expression" again because Kenji and Kaz both asked me if everything was okay with Bebe. He was anything but the problem. He stayed very close to me all day, even coming to my classroom during each break just to check up on me.
The third time he chose to visit was when Mitsuru came in shortly after to let those of us in 2-F know that Ryoji had woken up at last. He had something to talk to all of us about that night when we came back to the dorm. She left soon after giving us the news. I turned my head, looking back at Aigis' and Ryoji's empty seats. That was possibly the first time I found myself worried about Aigis. She had completely broken down. She was practically dead. All because she was trying to protect us from what she swept under the rug ten years ago. It really did explain her clingy protective instinct toward me.
Junpei, since that night, had been in an irritable mood. If I had to guess, he was angry at Ryoji for forgetting what he really was. For lulling us into a false sense of security. I think he was even upset that he had become best friends with a Shadow. I wasn't sure exactly who he was more upset with, but he wasn't his emotions particularly well. As soon as Mitsuru left us alone again, he muttered under his breath,
"Damn that Ryoji…"
Bebe and I arrived after everyone else at the control room. Ryoji looked up at me, tired and timid. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was looking at a tangible part of me. Someone of my own blood. Not like a parasite, but more like a child. He gazed very specifically at me for once, almost completely disregarding Bebe.
"Hey…" he said softly.
I acknowledged him silently, trying to look at him as my best friend instead of associating him with the blood that he never meant to shed. I never really blamed him or hated him for what happened to my mother and father, but he and the incident would forever be connected in my head. Something odd stirred in my chest as I looked at him. Almost as if I was realizing for the first time that he was on the outside.
"Sit down," Mitsuru said to Bebe and me calmly, "We're going to be asking Ryoji some questions and we need to hear what he has to say."
Slowly, we sat beside Ken and Yukari on the sofa. Ryoji continued to gaze in my direction, longing for me to say something. Longing for forgiveness that wasn't necessary.
"How are you feeling, Ryoji-sama?" Bebe asked with a friendly smile.
Ryoji smiled back at him, withered and a little sad.
"I'm feeling okay, Bebe…" he said, his eyes full of kindness.
Mitsuru didn't smile, but her tone was gentler than I was used to.
"Ryoji… we want to know everything about the Shadows. Will you answer what we have to ask?" she asked.
He nodded slowly.
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know," he said, "Or at least I'll answer to the best of my ability."
Mitsuru smiled approvingly, but fell somber again soon after.
"Something you said yesterday has been bothering me all day. You mentioned a 'maternal being.' Do you care to explain that?" she asked.
Ryoji lowered his head.
"Her name is Nyx…" he said softly, "She is a great entity… there is no comparable word in your language for her. In ancient times, she bestowed 'Death' to this world."
His eyes began to fill with tears again, though he retained the strength to hold them back. He didn't seem to want to say anything else about Nyx, but Mitsuru persisted.
"Can you explain what role she plays in all of this?" she asked.
He hesitated for a long time.
"If… she is awakened, darkness will once again cover the land and all life will vanish," he said softly, "If… memory serves me correctly… you all might know it as 'The Fall.'"
A dark silence fell over the room, and my chest and shoulders began to feel heavy. I felt a gaping hole in my chest, as if my heart had stopped and been ripped out. We were all stuck on the same sentence.
"All… life will vanish…?" Mitsuru asked.
Yukari chuckled a little, tittering rather than jovial laughs.
"But that'll never happen," she said, "Doomsday crap has been going around since the beginning of time. 'The Fall' is just another Y2K, right?"
Ryoji stared at her, his face filled with heartbreak and sheer pain. Her slight smile fell into a look of distress.
"Wait… you mean… this is actually for real?" she asked, "Nyx… is really coming…?"
"You heard the bell," Ryoji said, referring to the ringing bell the night everything turned for the worse, "I'm the Appriser of Death. My existence is the affirmation of the Fall."
I watched every face in the room melt away into fear and panic. My own heart was racing, struggling to pump blood with the life that it realized was so limited. I was starting to hear the others breathing, fearful of this future that we were looking dead in the face. A world of The Lost. A world taken by the epidemic of Apathy Syndrome. We would die zombies. The extinction of mankind.
Akihiko let out a shuddering sigh.
"How long… do we have…?" he asked.
Ryoji hid the lower part of his face in his scarf, trying very hard not to release tears.
"I'm afraid… you will not live to see spring," he said, his voice small.
Junpei jumped to his feet, a flight reflex kicking in.
"But that's not too far off!" he exclaimed.
He looked at all of us, as if trying to determine what we were feeling. A sudden look of confidence flushed over his expression.
"Well… it's not like we've ever lost a battle before," he said with a playful grin, "I mean, look at us. We're epic. Epic can't die, right? We'll just kick Nyx's sorry ass and finish this once and for all! No sweat, right?"
"I'm afraid you don't realize exactly what force you're up against," Ryoji said, his brow furrowed in both frustration and worry, "Nyx is undefeatable. It has nothing to do with strength, ability, or power. This is simply the circle of life. It's an inevitable part of man's fate."
Junpei finally seemed to understand what situation we were looking at. He sat back down, his legs quaking.
"You mean… we're all going to die… and there's nothing we can do to change it…?" he asked.
"That's not fair!" Ken cried.
Ryoji looked at them both with sympathy.
"You were all going to die at some point… it may seem untimely, but this has been the fate all along…" he said.
I lowered my stare again, trying to grasp this. We were going to die within a few months. Everyone. No matter what we did. We would all die on the same day. The same time. At the power of the same being. Everyone I knew would die at this young age. Junpei. Yukari. Akihiko. Ken. Koromaru. Mitsuru. Fuuka. Kenji. Kaz. Nozomi. …Bebe… after all I had done to protect him. After all I had done to protect all of them. We were going to die because of something we couldn't defeat. We were going to die because we could only wait and let Nyx take us. We could not defeat her.
"But…" Ryoji said quietly, "I have a human form. This form allowed me to talk, laugh, and cry with all of you. All gifts I received because I was inside Tetsuya since… the day I was born, really. Because of that… I can give you a choice…"
We all looked up at him. A choice…? As in… a chance to live?
But the choice he gave us was something I didn't expect.
"I can make all of you forget everything," he said, "In order to do that… you must… kill me."
All jaws dropped.
"Kill-? No!" Bebe cried. Ryoji held up a hand to silence him.
"Just… hear me out, okay?" he asked, obviously struggling with everything as well, "If you kill me, all memories of Tartarus, the Dark Hour, and the Shadows will disappear. It will be as if none of it ever happened. In fact… it can even prolong your life long enough to see Graduation Day at the beginning of spring. You can all die without realizing what hit you. It will be a much more peaceful way to go."
"But… I don't want to forget anything!" Yukari said, "It'll just be like hiding from the truth! Losing everything we accomplished and our connections!"
"You don't know the terror of absolute death!" Ryoji said loudly, "If you choose not to forget, you'll spend every one of your final days living in fear! People don't deserve to live that way! …especially not any of you… you who I have grown close to, felt your pain, and shared your joy…"
He looked at me.
"Tetsuya… has to be the one to do it…" he said, "Since it was him that gave me mortal form. …I… was going to disappear anyway at the coming of Nyx. This way, I can feel that my life had purpose. To protect all of you from having to live in this nightmare."
Suddenly, I felt pressure building up on my shoulders. I had to kill him? If everyone chose this seemingly ideal option, it would be my responsibility to kill him? But… how could I? How could I kill someone so close to me? How could I kill anyone? And he was compassionate toward Bebe, so there really wasn't any way I could use him as an excuse.
Luckily, nobody seemed particularly set on that option.
"I… I don't feel comfortable hurting you, Ryoji-kun…" Fuuka said quietly.
"As long as I'm saving you, I won't feel any pain," Ryoji said bravely, "I know this isn't an easy to decision to ask you all to make on the spot. It's not like you have to give me your answer right away. I can give you until the end of the month. That's still a lot of time, so you can have plenty of time to reach a decision."
He stood up slowly.
"I won't come back until then," he said, walking towards the door, "Just… please… consider both options thoroughly. I want you to make the right decision."
Ryoji paused momentarily at the door, looking quietly in my direction.
"Tetsuya…? Bebe…?"
Both of us looked up at him; Bebe seemed particularly surprised that he was being addressed of all people in the room. Ryoji seemed to be in greater pain than before.
"I'm… sorry…" he croaked.
Before either of us had the chance to say anything, he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
"Ryoji!" Junpei called after him, on his feet immediately.
Fuuka suddenly appeared troubled.
"I can't sense him anymore!" she cried, horrified.
The room was silent and still for a full minute before emotion kicked in again.
"Dammit! What the hell is he thinking?" Junpei shouted.
Mitsuru held her arms close to her body, as if cold.
"I never really considered my own death before…" she muttered, "The thought is quite sobering…"
Akihiko covered his face with his hands and sighed. Even Koromaru seemed to understand that everything was at its end, his ears low and a whining sound emitting from his throat.
"I… I'm not ready to die…" Ken said quietly, almost as if he were going to cry.
"How… how do we kill Ryoji?" Yukari asked, "I mean… after all he's done for us… is he serious?"
"I can't believe this is happening…" Fuuka croaked.
"Well, it's happening," Junpei said irritably, "And it's all thanks to you, Tetsuya."
I looked up abruptly.
"What the hell? Why is it my fault?" I barked.
"You had that thing inside you and didn't even know it! You raised it, dammit! This is all your fault! So you should do something about it! You're supposed to be 'special,' right? You're the hero; YOU figure it out!" Junpei snarled.
"Do you even hear yourself?" I asked, "You just established that I had no idea any of this was going on! How can it be my fault if I didn't know anything? For the love of God, I forgot how my parents died! How the hell would I remember that Death was sealed within me?"
"You're a genius, aren't you?" Junpei yelled, "You should have noticed something was up! How do you even forget seeing your parents die? How do you forget something so traumatic that it would scar any seven-year-old! It was your parents!"
Bebe jumped to his feet quickly, standing between Junpei and me.
"Enough," he said, "Eet's not 'is fault."
"You're just saying that because you're his boy toy!" Junpei shot.
"You're blaming 'im because you're scared and 'ave to put ze blame on someone. And I'm not going to stand 'ere and let you scream bullcrap at 'im," Bebe said, and then ended on a French term that made both Mitsuru and me jump a little.
"Look, I'm not sure what you just called me, but you'd better stay out of this!" Junpei said.
"Will you stop already?" Yukari barked, "It's not Tetsuya's fault and you don't need to start up with Bebe! Fighting isn't going to make it better, it's just going to make everyone upset!"
Junpei snarled and left the room in a huff, slamming the door behind him.
I sat on the bed with Bebe that night after we all left the control room. No one was really in the mood to go to Tartarus, seeing that it would be pointless to train for something that was supposedly impossible to defeat. From the looks on everyone's faces, they already seemed dead.
We weren't ready for this. There was so much yet to accomplish. So much yet to experience. I had only just discovered love. The most amazing feeling in the world. Did this mean that I would only have a short time to experience it? Ken was right. This wasn't fair. Despite everything S.E.E.S. had been through and everything we had tried to prevent, we were all going to die.
Bebe had been quiet for a long time. I suppose it was a reasonable response to the news, but it worried me. Everyone else had expressed their worry, grief, or – in Junpei's case – anger, but Bebe wore a poker face. I had yet to learn how he felt about all of it. I wanted to know what was going through his head. Rather, I needed to know what was going through his head.
I sat a little closer to him.
"Are you okay?" I asked. He didn't look up. There was a brief hesitation before a melancholy chuckle escaped his lips.
"…so… zis eez 'ow eet's going to end…" he said at last, "Heh… I suppose zis really eez where I will live and die…"
I took his hand and gave it a squeeze.
"It's going to be okay…" I said quietly, though I was unsure of why I had said it. I knew it wasn't true. Ryoji was Death himself. He knew better than any of us.
Despite my "pleasant" thoughts, Bebe squeezed my hand and whispered,
"I know…"
I looked him over, analyzing his expression. He wore surprisingly calm mask, and it seemed that he wasn't actually afraid at all. He really was different from the others. I held his hand a little tighter.
"You know… they say there are different stages when someone learns that they're going to die," I said, "I think you've reached the acceptance stage faster than any of us."
"Eez zat wrong?" Bebe asked cautiously.
"No," I replied, "In fact, it's actually kind of impressive. You'll probably be able to enjoy the rest of life a little more easily than us."
Bebe stared at me for a while. Finally he cocked his head cutely.
"What did you want in life, Tetsuya…?" he asked, "I've never really asked you before, so I'm curious…"
I blinked, slightly taken off-guard. I hadn't been asked that question in so long. When I was a child, I often dreamed of unrealistic aspirations. I hadn't thought about it since. I didn't really have a specific plan.
"I… I don't know…" I said quietly. Bebe's face fell a little and he stared at the floor.
I gazed at his pure face momentarily before smiling at him.
"It's nothing to regret," I said, "I feel like I've lived a pretty good life already."
Bebe seemed curious.
"'Igh points?" he asked. I chuckled and nudged him playfully.
"Well, for one, I met you," I laughed. He smiled, leaning his head on my shoulder affectionately. I kissed it and snuggled mine against his.
We remained quiet awhile before Bebe spoke again.
"Tetsuya…?" he asked.
"Hm?"
"Zere's… somezing I want to ask of you…"
"Yeah?"
He was hesitant.
"I… I understand zat ze end eez near… so… zere's… somezing I… um… somezing I want to do before I die…"
"Okay?"
He waited a minute before pulling his head away from mine to look directly into my eyes. He took my hand and placed it over his heart. A gentle, rhythmic beat pulsed against my fingertips. Bebe's face was red, but he kept a serious expression.
"I, uh… I don't want to… …um… I don't want to die a virgin…"
Heat exploded over my face as the last word resonated through my head. I can honestly say that it never occurred to me that Bebe would be the one to bring this subject up again. He seemed too innocent to just come right out and say it, or even think it for that matter. Ever since that night, I thought I would have to be the one to bring it up.
He waited for my reply fervently. He must have understood that his request had staggered me. But it wasn't like it had been the first time we had brought this up. Well, not verbally at least. Now that it was out there, I had to have a verbal response. (Give consent?)
Still a little stuck on his purity, I asked quietly,
"Are you sure this is what you want?"
He nodded a little, and his heart began to pound a bit faster. I smiled slightly, my own heart beginning to race.
"Okay…" I whispered.
He smiled a little at my response, his face flushing more intensely. I sat as close to him as I could, hip-to-hip, and I wrapped him in my arms, kissing his face, lips, and neck…