20. My Rollercoaster

Wednesday - A couple of hours after Serena dropped Liz off
Phone conversation between Serena and Max
(2008) Max is 23

"Hey Max, it's Ser."

"Hey. What's going on?"

"I need to ask you something. And you might think I'm crossing some imaginary line by doing so, but I have to ask."

"What is it, Serena?"

"Were you in a relationship with Liz?"

Silence.

"Max?"

His voice was distant and cold as he answered, "I don't mean to be rude, but that's none of your business."

"She kinda made it my business."

"She told you?" There was obvious surprise in his voice and Serena couldn't blame him. After all she had only known Liz for three days.

"So there was something there?"

Pause. "You tell me."

She didn't recognize his voice. His normally warm tone was now defensive, like an anxious dog that would bite your hand off if you moved too quickly. "She heard our conversation earlier."

"She…what?"

"I'm really sorry. I always put calls on speaker in the car. I was about to tell you that Liz was listening when you started saying these things-"

"She heard that?"

His voice was now weak and she visualized an accompanied pale face.

"It was wrong of me to do that, I realize that now. But that's not why I'm calling you."

Not being able to get past the fact that she had heard him just yet, Max asked, "She heard me call her a brat?"

"I'm getting the feeling that you've said that to her face before anyway, so what's the big deal?"

"It's not the same," Max murmured.

"Max," Serena sighed. "I haven't known you for long, but I generally think I'm pretty good at reading people. The information I was getting from Liz and what you were saying about her makes me wonder if I was wrong."

"Ser, that's between Liz and I-"

"No, it's not," Serena said tightly. "How long have you known this girl, Max?"

"Uhm…most of my life."

"And why do I get the feeling that she is completely messed up?"

"She's not completely-"

"Don't defend her," Serena interrupted. "Her eyes are empty, Max. Have you noticed? If you're her friend you couldn't have missed it."

There was silence for a long time and Serena briefly wondered if he was going to hang up on her. His voice was quiet as he finally said, "It's complicated."

"Oh," Serena said, realization dawning on her. It was only 'complicated' when love was involved. And in their case it was very possible that that meant, "You slept with her."

He sighed. "For fuck's sake, Ser-"

"And you forgot to pick up the pieces. She's broken inside, Max."

"It's not that simple-"

"Stop excusing her behavior and just help her!"

"I'm fucking trying to!" Max erupted.

"No, you're not," Serena replied calmly. "You're not. Apparently you told her that you slept with me."

"Ser, I-"

"We can discuss how I don't appreciate false rumors to be spread about me later, but right now I'm worried about Liz. How is telling her lies helping her?"

"That's what we do."

"What?" Serena asked incredulously. What kind of messed up relationship was that?

"So yes. We slept together. Once."

"What happened?"

"She left. A couple of hours later, when I was asleep. I've tried talking to her about it, but she either avoids the subject completely or just pushes me away-"

"Why would she do that?"

Max's voice turned defensive again. "If I knew that, don't you think I would fucking try to do something about it?"

"I don't think you really know at all what you're doing, Max."

"Okay, I'm hanging up-"

"Calm down, Max. I'm trying to help you."

"Ser, you're accusing me of being an asshole."

"You said it, not me."

Anger simmered across the phone line as he stated, "She left. She avoided me. I tried to talk to her. She wouldn't. She hooked up with some other guy just days after the whole thing."

"How long ago was this, Max?"

His reply was hauntingly quick. "Four years."

Serena's eyes widened in shock. "You slept with her four years ago and you haven't spoken about it yet?"

He sighed. "Are you listening to me at all? She. Won't. Speak. To. Me."

"Try harder."

"Fuck, Ser! You have no idea what the hell you're talking about. This is not your place. You've known Liz for less than a week and you already think you're an expert on her life?"

"I'm definitely not an expert on her life, Max. But I saw her face when you talked about her and it scared me."

He sighed and asked wearily. "What do you mean?"

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she's got feelings for you."

When he didn't say anything, she continued. "And you making stuff up about sleeping with, for instance, me, hurts her."

"If she's so damn hurt by it, why doesn't she just tell me that's how she feels?"

"You're the one that knows her the best, aren't you? So you tell me, Max."

Max inhaled deeply and Serena prepared herself for him screaming at her to go to hell and hanging up. But instead, his soft voice drifted across the connection, "I love her. I've loved her for a long time. And I've been trying to tell her that, but either she doesn't believe me or she doesn't love me back."

"You're telling her that you love her one second and then you turn around and tell her that you're sleeping with other girls the next, is that right?"

"You're twisting it-"

"But that's basically it, isn't it? If you remove all your excuses for whatever screwed up interactions you have with Liz, that's what it comes down to, doesn't it?"

"It's not like she's been available. She got herself a boyfriend soon thereafter."

"And how did that go?"

"That's private."

She sighed. "Max. I might not know her very well, but I think I know you. And from the second I met you, I knew you were unavailable. You put on this whole elaborate playboy façade but it's so obvious that underneath all of that your heart is already taken. Are you just gonna let her slip away without doing anything? Because she's slipping, Max. Fast. And I'm not just talking about relationship stuff. I think she's really depressed. She told me a lot of stuff just now, things I wouldn't tell someone I had just met. Either I'm really good at getting people to talk, or she just doesn't have anyone to talk to. And it's killing her. Stop confusing her, Max. Stop lying to her. You can't lie to someone you love."

Her monologue was met with silence and she hoped that it meant her words had been somewhat true.

"She's very difficult to get close to. If I get real with her, she will bite."

"You're a big boy, Max. I'm sure you can handle some bite wounds." She took a deep breath. "You're hurting, Max. You have to either let her go and move on, or you have to grab hold of her and shake her. Because she doesn't get it."

"I don't want to scare her away. If I confront her, she runs. And like you said, she doesn't have anyone to run to. I'm the only one she has."

Serena almost laughed at the irony of that statement. "And you lie to her."

His voice was sad as he answered, "It's complicated."

A wave of anger floated over Serena. She never knew Max could be this thick-headed. "For Christ's sake, Max! Stop excusing your behavior! It's very simple. Her feelings are nothing extraordinary. She might be able to hurt you with her words, but that's just her keeping you at a safe distance, because you hurt her. Do you get that? You can keep attacking each other or you can show her how to be honest and stick to it. Don't let her hurt you. I haven't seen you two together, but I have a feeling you're just feeding off each other's insults. It's not real. Whatever she's telling you is not real. Look behind her words, Max! She's telling you something else and you're too busy licking your bruised ego to tell."

"Why are you putting all this on me, Serena?"

She sighed. "Yes. Okay. She has a role to play in this as well. But I get a feeling that she is the most broken one here. And I get a feeling that she's more confused than you are. On top of that, from this conversation alone, I'm pretty sure that part of the problem is that you don't realize that you have a role in her behaving like that. I tried to give her a ride today and she acted like a scared kitten, completely paranoid about getting into the car with me. It was like she was looking for some underlying reason as to why I would even bother to give her a ride. You've known each other since you were like…what did you say? Most of her life? You've been part of building her personality."

"So now it's my fault?"

"That's not the point. You may play the blame game with her, but I don't do that. You have to be the better person here and show her what to do. And for Christ's sake, stop telling her things that are not true. How is she ever supposed to be able to trust you if she constantly has to analyze and question your every word?"

"Okay," he said softly.

Hoping that she had finally gotten through to him, she asked. "Will you talk to her?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

His thoughts sounded far away as he answered, "I have to go."

"Don't just tell her you love her, show her."

"Yeah, okay," Max answered, as if in a contemplative daze and disconnected the call.

Serena slowly placed her cell phone on the kitchen table and took a deep breath. Oh boy.

TBC...