Conversations with My Killer
Chapter 21 - Visions

Jasper POV

Four weeks before Bella's arrival in Forks

The moon was a scarred landscape. She shined bright and honest in the night sky, never once hiding what she was. Her pockmarked surface added to her allure. She was a figure of romance, superstition, and madness. She was persecuted and revered, but I had yet to meet anyone who described her as anything less than beautiful.

To a vampire, she was the sun. In her light, we took on our true form. She didn't use glitter dust to reveal our secret. She understood our burden and guided us with her silver glow. Where daylight brought warmth, the moon cooled our venom and calmed our souls.

My fanciful notions would shock Alice and the family. They expected the cracked statue to be as hard and forbidding in his mind as he was in his appearance. They didn't know I kept my thoughts blank and my heart shut off. If I didn't, people stole from me while at the same time lending me their secrets.

I knew their stories without needing to hear the words. Rosalie loved Emmett because he was a non-threatening protector. She could hide behind him and let him take on the world when it became too difficult for her to handle it on her own. No one could reach her without having to go through him first.

There was a balance to their relationship that made them ideal mates. She wanted a shield. He wanted a wounded bird. Nothing made him feel stronger than knowing she needed him.

Carlisle and Esme were similarly matched. She needed a healer who could save her family in the most dire of circumstances. He needed someone to prove his humanity was intact. Love was a human emotion; one could only experience it if they were in possession of a soul. Esme validated his beliefs and gave him reason to hope.

Alice, Edward, and I had no mates. In Edward's eyes, we were the soulless. It was one of the few things we agreed on. Like everything else though, my opinions on the topic ebbed and flowed with the tides.

More often than not, I was a morose figure. It was difficult to get excited about life when I had none. Demetri ruled my existence. Today, he called me friend, but he could just as easily turn on me tomorrow. I doubted this would happen. He recognized that I was far more valuable to him as a cooperative prisoner than as one who could incite trouble with the flick of my ability.

A tiny bird interrupted my alone time. Alice. I was lying on the ground staring up at the sky when she got between me and my moon.

For someone with limitless energy, I was too exhausted to complain. I longed for the day when I could do what I wanted and go where I desired. When there was nothing to live for, even a vampire died inside.

"What do you want, Alice?"

"I need you to come with me to Phoenix."

It was typical of her to disregard the chains encircling my neck. "You know I can't leave Washington."

She nudged me with a foot. "Demetri won't be back from Italy until next month. Live a little. You might like it."

That was the problem. I would like it too much. Nothing was worse than having a taste of something good and then realizing you would never find it again. There was also the prospect of getting caught. Nothing was worth the punishment.

"You know what happened the last time I went rogue. It took a week for my back to heal."

She sat down beside me. "That was Jane. You know Demetri would never hurt you."

I knew nothing of the sort. Alice didn't understand what it was like to be at the mercy of others. She still possessed the same fighting spirit she was born with. I lost my spirit sometime around 1905 when I sold my soul. I owned nothing, was nothing, and had no reason to believe my situation would improve.

"Why are you even going to Arizona? What's down there?"

"The Grand Canyon and a girl I saw in a vision. There's something about her. She's special."

I hated the word special. It was overused to the point where it meant nothing. If everyone was special, didn't that make them average?

"Give me one good reason why I should go with you."

Alice grinned widely. "The girl is Edward's mate."

Bullshit. Mates were not something you could predict. It wasn't based on decisions. It was based on mutual respect and individual need. Love was often a byproduct, but the balance of the couple was what mattered most. There was no magnetic pull that sprung out of nowhere. It developed over time, and once discovered, it would never leave or fade.

"Come on, Jasper. You know you want to come with me."

No, I did not, but I still joined her.

I never understood the appeal of a swan. Their necks were too long. They snorted and hissed at you. These were not beautiful birds. They were awkward in their youth and similarly unbalanced in their adulthood. I hated Swans.

Isabella Swan represented the species with more flair and accuracy than most humans could pull off. In three days of spying, I had yet to hear her speak more than two dozen words. She moved as if her limbs were attached ten years after her birth. She barely broke average in her appearance. Her only striking feature was her hair. She wisely used it to hide her face.

"Alice, the girl is boring. Let's kill her and get out of here. You know Esme expects us home for Christmas morning."

Two months without a human left my teeth hurting and my appetite fierce. The girl could help me with both.

The falconet to my left was silent. Alice was rarely quiet unless she was having a vision. Judging from the vacant eyes and the open mouth, she was in the middle of a doozy. Or she ate a bad coyote.

She breathed in deep and grasped on to one of my hands. "Jasper, she's magnificent."

The swan? That was a stretch.

A wicked little smile played on her lips. "Her blood will sing."

This meant Alice misinterpreted her vision. They were always a crapshoot, but it didn't stop her from putting her unique spin on them.

"Edward's singer?"

She nodded.

Fate was a cruel bitch with a twisted sense of humor. Edward's do-gooder personality already made him unbearable. Irrational thirst for the feather brain would make him insufferable. It was also a terrible waste of food. Not to mention, he would torture himself over his desire for her blood, which would make me suffer. Why let that happen when I could take her now?

I crept forward but stopped when Alice gasped. Her eyes rolled back into her head, and she fell backwards. It was funny for all of a second before her emotions flooded my head and kicked me in the chest. They cycled rapidly as her vision shifted. Infatuation. Desire. Fascination. Eagerness. Disappointment. Sympathy. Amusement. Yearning. Jealousy. Regret. Lust. Devotion. Betrayal. Contempt. Grief.

All of it whipped around like a tornado battering my mind and body. Just when one hit, another took its place. I fought against it, but the storm grew stronger, bringing me to my knees.

As suddenly as it began, it stopped. I collapsed next to Alice and fumbled for her hand. Calm wouldn't return. She chanted something in my ear trying to soothe me. I heard none of it. Too much noise. Too many hits to my chest.

My favorite bird bit me. The burn of her venom brought pain and relief. The contradiction was a lawnmower blade cutting away at the madness in my head.

When peace returned, I opened my eyes and let the starry night become my focal point. So many stars. I was small. Inconsequential. What I felt was nothing. Always nothing. I was a blank slate incapable of being touched by another's inner chaos. I was alone. Always alone.

"What did you see?"

Alice's eyes were a storm. "All good things."

Come to those who wait.

Five days later

Edward shoved me into a column. The timber split creating a loud cracking sound. It didn't feel too good either.

"What did you do?" he demanded.

I killed three nuns in 1936, a doctor and his wife two months ago, eleven children under the age of fifteen, and all but one person in my family. "Could you be more specific? I've done many things."

"Why did Alice leave?"

I had no idea. "She left on her own."

"Did she go to them?"

The Volturi. "Not that I know of."

Alice and I met just prior to my being assigned to observe the Cullen family. She stood accused of killing a human and allowing others to witness her crime. For reasons I still couldn't understand, her actions were deemed acceptable. Demetri released her with little more than a slap on the wrist.

Despite being granted her freedom, she hung around for several weeks. I couldn't turn a corner without running into her. She said we would be great friends. When I told her I always killed my friends, she laughed off the warning and promised she would see me coming. It wasn't until much later that I learned what she meant by that.

Edward pulled me back to the present. "Where did she go?"

"Python hunting in South America. How the fuck should I know?"

He searched my head and knew I spoke the truth. Alice could be anywhere. I hadn't wanted her to leave and had even fought with her about staying, but I no more controlled her than I controlled the weather. When she wanted to come home, she would.

I didn't even know the details of her vision. Images often came to her out of order and required time and reflection to interpret. When she worked through all the possibilities, she would discuss what she saw. As impatient as I was to get some answers, pressuring her would only slow the process.

Edward tossed another question my way. "Emmett said you were shouting about being tired of waiting. What did you mean?"

Maria. Dripping venom. A witch's voice. The table. Two hundred fifty years.

My brain rejected the thoughts creeping in on me.

Test kitchen. Girl four likes my raspberry lemon muffins.

Preheat oven to 400. Grease twelve muffin cups. Combine two cups flour. One cup sugar …

Go bake, pretty boy.

Rosalie, Emmett, and Esme came down the stairs. They stopped on the landing overhead.

"She's really gone?" Rosalie asked.

I heard a noise I couldn't identify. Edward and I looked up in time to see the floor above us crash down over our heads taking the others with it.

I spit out chunks of drywall and bits of dust while pushing a shapely leg off me. My clothes were torn. I had to push an ear back in place. For vampires, we failed at split second decision making. And fuck, my ear hurt.

"Nice work, Eddie," I snapped. "Are you girls okay?"

Esme, yes. Rosalie, no. She stood up and kicked Edward in the ribs before coming for me. She always did have a temper. Until tonight, it was never directed at me.

I pointed out the culprit. "He did it."

"This was my favorite pair of jeans."

The pretty goose attacked. I tore her right leg off. The Cullen house was not a happy home for several weeks. It was the pirate jokes. Peggy didn't like her new nickname.

End of March

Alice finally called and asked me to meet with her. I should have seen her plan coming from a mile away.

In her eyes, there was no greater threat to her happy world than Aro. My initial role in the family was to observe them because of their unique diet. As time went on, I became something very different. Aro wanted to add Edward and Alice to his collection. My job was to watch for any offense great enough to warrant punishment. He couldn't invent a crime, but he could act as soon as one was brought to his attention. Unfortunately for him, the family kept their noses clean.

In their own way, the Cullens were prisoners just like me. Sure they could have easily sent me packing. There was no law that required or even allowed for my presence, but they recognized that I was the lesser of a whole list of other evils. I never lied about their activities or used my position to threaten them. I observed quietly and without malice. On the rare occasion when the family met with outside interference from nomads, I stepped in and fought with them.

Living like this was the closest I could get to freedom, but it wasn't enough for Alice. She wisely felt threatened by Aro's interest, and she wouldn't be satisfied until he and the others were wiped from the planet. Her easiest route to accomplishing this goal was to take them apart a piece at a time. Demetri was her target.

For the last hundred plus years, he had ruled over the Americas and enforced the Volturi doctrine. He administered punishment judiciously but was often violent and unpredictable in his private life. Few were lucky enough to earn his respect and those who did were blessed with a loyal champion. On the rare occasion when someone lost favor with him, he would strike back with a vengeance.

This last part was what Alice was counting on. According to her, it was only a matter of time before Demetri began to resent his masters. You couldn't grant someone a small measure of power and not expect them to reach for more. When this happened, she would swoop in and sow the seeds of sedition.

The big question was where Miss Swan fit into the plan.

I was skipping pebbles across the lake when Alice came up behind me and gave me a hug. She was one of only two people I allowed to touch me affectionately. Esme was the other one.

I sniffed the air. "You smell like the mall."

"Perfume shopping. I need it to mask the smell of chorizo."

Had I been in possession of a working heart, it would have stopped. "What are you doing around Maria?"

"You can't play with the cock unless you wade through all his hens. She's the most foul."

Not fucking funny. "Dammit, Alice. Demetri isn't someone you play with."

"Don't be gross. I'm not playing with him. He smells like cigarettes and nasty sausage."

I wasn't sure if she meant his piece or his piece. With Alice, there was no way of knowing.

She started doing her annoying twirling shit that made me want to rip off her legs. I grabbed her arms and held her in place. "Get to the point. I don't have all day."

"Lighten up. The day is pretty. The sky is blue. Summer is around the corner."

If she wanted to make it to summer, she needed to start talking. "Speak."

"Okay already. When you found out Edward couldn't read Bella's mind, you suspected she was a shield. I think she has to be. It's the only thing that works with what I've seen."

"Explain."

"The images are still unclear. I see a battle coming. Bella stands behind our line with a guard surrounding her. Demetri, Felix, and I are in front with an army at our backs. Across from us are Aro and his main coven. Jane and Alec are not present. They're dead."

Impossible. "We've had this conversation. I will not fight the Volturi. We're better with them than without them."

"You weren't there, Jasper. I saw you leave us in an earlier part of the vision. Demetri let you go."

Heat burned my throat. I thirsted for freedom more than blood. "Tell me more."

Alice filled me in on the rest of the story. There were holes galore, but the gist of it was Demetri broke ranks with the Volturi after he found a way to neutralize Alec and Jane. After building an army of his own, he wrenched power away from Aro. The Cullens were free to live as they pleased, and I was free to begin a new life.

"What about the rest of the family?" I asked her. "Why weren't they there?"

"Because I didn't ask them to join us. What good is it to save them if they die in the fight?"

I couldn't argue against that. "So what are you saying?"

"We have two goals. Protect the family and set you free. Demetri will let you go if you give him Bella. When the war is over, he'll release her. The family stays out of the fight, and Edward gets Bella back."

It wasn't as easy as she made it sound. "Are you suggesting we betray the family by stealing away the girl?"

"Sometimes you have to hurt people to help them."

The plan was flawed from top to bottom. "You should have taken her before Edward met her."

"How is that fair? Should we deny her love because it suits us?"

Love was pushing it. "Bella barely knows him. He's a dream to her right now. Give her a year and a half, and she'll realize he's a useless prig."

"Don't let envy cloud your judgment. Edward is a good man whether you happen to like him or not."

"Should I let romantic nonsense fill my head with bullshit? Edward's interest is not limited to her flat personality. He sees her potential the same as we do."

It was the only reasonable explanation outside of her blood for why he found her fascinating. The empty headed dove was as dull as dishwater. Her heart fluttered over his scent and his sonnets. His venom boiled at the thought of tasting her. She wasn't a person to him. She was a meal. He confused the intensity of his thirst with genuine emotion.

Making matters worse was the very real possibility that his interest would die with her. They were a new and different twist on every other couple that rushed into a commitment.

"Jasper, I know you have your doubts, but you need to trust me. Bella is the key to everything. If we take the girl, everyone wins. Just give me time to work out the details."

I had nothing but time. My reflection was a daily reminder of how small my chances were to gain anything else. Other vampires avoided me like the plague. I carried death on my face and in my eyes. There wasn't a soul alive willing to look beyond the scars and see me as anything other than a monster. The Cullens feared me. Demetri used me.

Freedom was my only desire. I could find a home of my own and avoid the whispers and stares that followed me. Isolation was its own prison, but I could live with that. It wasn't like I had a real chance at anything else.

"Keep working on your plan. We'll see what happens."

April

The most dangerous creature on the planet sat on a bench one hundred yards from me. Her eyes were naturally reddish brown without the bipolar diet or the screams. Her clothes were wrinkled and well worn. She rarely laughed and spoke so softly her human companions had to lean in to hear her. She was gentle and kind with a shy smile and an open heart. It was a shame none of this would last.

"Which one is she?" Demetri asked.

"The bench to the north. Check out the girl in the middle wearing the blue sweater."

It was like clockwork. A furrowed brow. A look of deep concentration. A building frustration. He could no more get a sense of her mind than Edward could.

I was tempted to smile. The girl was a gift.

"Is it the same with Edward?"

"Yes."

"What about your ability? Is she immune?"

"No."

It irked Edward something serious when I played with his toy. I had her half in love with him by early March, not that he objected. The boy was obsessed with her.

I couldn't understand why. Bella was weak and unfocused. She rarely spoke, and when she did, she failed to say anything. He swore she was far more interesting than I gave her credit for, but I only saw a puppy waiting to get hit by a van. It was a pity he stopped the one that almost did. It would have prevented the pangs of guilt that nipped at me occasionally.

It wasn't until the day of our baseball game that I saw a glimmer of someone special. She wasn't frightened by the fight or the violence. There was respect in her sharp eyes and an appreciative look on her face. It was the first time I ever saw her truly present in a moment. It almost made me believe there was something more to her beyond the lovestruck waste of space I saw every other day. She ruined it by letting Edward carry her off like a sack of potatoes.

"What do you think?" I pressed. "Do you see potential or not?"

Thanks to Alice, I already knew his answer. He would take Bella off our hands and reward me with a pardon. I would finally have my greatest wish.

Tell me you want her. Give me what I need.

He threw my question back at me. "What do you think of her?"

Wasn't it pretty damn obvious? "You could make good use of her."

"Her potential is easy to see. I'm asking for your impressions of her."

My feelings were impossible to mask. "She has no backbone, no sense of self, and no opinions about anything. Were it not for her mind, I would kill her in hopes of advancing her species. People like her should not be allowed to breed."

Demetri was taken aback by my harsh tone. "She's little more than a child. You expect too much."

"A worse crime would be expecting too little. Can we get on with this? Do you want her or not?"

Do it. Say you want her. What is wrong with you? Look at her. Sense what she can do.

He could, and it made my plans fall apart. "She is of no value if she is forced into joining. I need her on my side. Anything less would be inviting a wolf into the hen house."

Alice hadn't seen this part. I was caught off guard but not so much that I didn't see the obvious solution. "Find a way to guarantee her cooperation. It wouldn't take much. Her mind sways with the slightest breeze."

Demetri used my past against me. "Should I use a family member as leverage? Does she have a sister?"

All my healed bite marks began to burn just as he knew they would. Time did not shake off the pain of our memories. If anything, it enhanced them.

"The girl has no siblings, and from what I can tell, she is not close with her parents."

"What of Edward? Does she favor him? You mentioned his interest in her."

"She shares his feelings."

Mostly. She didn't need to know I got the ball rolling on that one for her. I applied it with a little too much enthusiasm. The girl was hopeless for that dullard.

Oh, Edward. I love you so much. No love comes close to what we have. Gag.

They liked to think of themselves as a modern day Romeo and Juliet. They should really aim higher than an infatuated couple who let their impulsiveness cost them their lives. That story wasn't romantic or tragic. It was proof that human life was wasted on those with a beating heart.

Demetri was a quick study. I could see him running through the long list of potential uses for someone like Bella. Alice hadn't been wrong when she said he would grow hungry for more power. Bella's potential was his best opportunity to gain more of what he craved.

Decision time from my keeper. "I need to think on this. We'll give the relationship an opportunity to grow. When the time is right, you bring me the girl, and I will grant you the pardon you seek."

Two days before the first conversation

A year is enough, Jasper. I want them joined. I have to know she won't turn on us. Make it happen.

I was a serpent in the house of the Cullens. Never in my time with them did I lie or use subterfuge until this last year. Alice had the right idea when it came to leaving. It was impossible to maintain a clear head around Edward. He could sneak in and steal information with the ease of a cat burglar. This led to me developing a whole new way of lying to myself. It was hard distinguishing between the reality I lived in and the truth way back in the far reaches of my mind.

The truth was I had to protect the girl at all costs. No snacking. No letting her fall off mountains. No nomads ripping her to shreds. No Edward munching on her pretty little neck. I couldn't let anyone know how much I needed her in one piece.

My cover story was believable and held its own note of truth. I wanted Bella but not in a loving, happy friendship kind of way. I wanted to tear a hole in her neck and drain her in the middle of our clean white living room. Her blood should decorate our walls and stain my eyes. When I looked at her, I saw food.

Edward heard every sick fantasy in my head. A few probably matched some of his own. He might play the strict vegetarian, but he wanted a taste as much as the rest of the family. It was a wonder any of us made it through the first month of their relationship. Technically, her blood only sang for him, but I felt it with just as much desperation as him. In turn, I made everyone else suffer.

Two people died in that time alone. Both were my kills, and neither brought me any satisfaction. The additional animals I fed on left me full to the point of bursting. At no time in my life had I ever been so unhappy in my skin. I eventually found a balance. Half a human every six weeks kept me tame during the rest of the time. The animal blood I consumed kept my eyes an acceptable color and hid the truth of my diet from the wolves.

Thinking of Bella as cattle kept me from thinking of her true purpose. My plan worked for the most part. I did have a few unguarded moments when it came to her. Thankfully, they only occurred during Edward's absences. Like today.

He and the others were out hunting. This should have been my time of rest since they took their emotional baggage on their hunt. There was no rest. Bella showed.

Her scent lured me down three flights of stairs and into the kitchen. She was so fresh smelling. I credited the fruits and vegetables she ate. Most people these days smelled like high fructose corn syrup and plastic.

I found my least favorite bird sitting on the counter with a plate of blueberries and sliced kiwi in front of her. This was not the girl I recognized as Bella Swan. Her feet were bare, which gave me a glimpse of her lime green painted toenails. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid rather than hanging in her face. She was comfortably dressed in a pair of jeans cut off at the knees and a faded Spuds Mackenzie t-shirt that had seen better decades.

She sang Judee Sill songs between bites of fruit. I couldn't help but smile when she cackled at a mystery bit of hilarity hidden in her mind. Her usual self was as interesting to me as a watching birds shit. This girl made me want to ask questions.

Why was she here when she knew Edward wouldn't be? What was so funny to her? Why lime green nail polish? How come I had never seen her hair pulled back like this? How come I had never noticed the nomad in her fighting to escape?

It wasn't even that she looked special. She just didn't look like Bella Swan. She certainly didn't act like her.

I became sure of that when she unfolded her legs and started tapping her dirty feet over the clean counter. She gave an evil little laugh that told me she was doing it just for the sake of being a little shit. Her surroundings were too clean for her, and she was taking her anger out on what should be the cleanest surface in the house.

"Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you," she chanted in perfect time with her feet.

I was already halfway to hell when I saw her pop a blueberry in her mouth. Her little moan of pleasure had me fully enraptured. When I saw her lips turn up in a heavenly smile, I dug my nails so hard into my skin I tore a chunk off.

This wasn't love or infatuation. I wanted to feed her bites of fruit and listen to her laugh while I drained her dry. I could picture her smiling blissfully as her life came to a close. The light would fade from her eyes and slip into mine. I would keep it with me always and see her staring back at me.

I closed my eyes until my mood leveled out. When I opened them, the world was better and worse. Better because the thirst was under control. Worse because in its place a new interest had developed. I wanted answers to my questions. Who was Bella Swan? Was she the boring girl with the missing backbone or the nomad with the dirty feet and the disobedient attitude?

Minutes passed while I kept an eye on her. She sang along with the songs on her iPod and continued her toe tapping massacre of the counter. It was a rare honest glimpse into someone.

Once she finished her fruit, she hopped down from the counter and cleaned her plate. She then did something that baffled me. She took a spray cleaner and meticulously scrubbed every inch of the counter. When she was satisfied with her work, she put away the bottle and tossed the cloth into the trash. Just before leaving the house, she rested her palms on the counter top and whispered an apology.

Her childlike rebellion was flickering candlelight in a darkened room. An errant gust of wind would knock out the rest of her.

An unpleasant feeling formed in my gut, almost warm to the point of physical discomfort. No. Not happening. I felt nothing for her.

Blood bag. Cattle. Food.

No, not food. The Bella I saw today was someone with more potential than any of us previously thought. After all, she already accomplished one miracle.

She made me smile.

Author's Note: I hope this Jasper comes across differently than my last one. I'm not sure what people were expecting from him, but for me, I wanted him to feel less angry and abrasive than LLF Jasper. This one has been beaten down over the last century and exists rather than lives. While he is capable of great cruelty and violence, neither rule his character.

As for Bella's fate, we'll just have to wait and see. After what happened, I think it's only fair to let Jasper have his say. Plus, his POV is necessary to reveal what happened after she lost consciousness.

Thanks for reading, and another thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. You guys make this little hobby so much fun.

The next chapter is also a Jasper POV. I'll try to have it ready next week. Until then, I raise a glass to St. Patrick and wish you all good health and a happy day.

- Cris