Note: The character Dirk's real name is Kye. So either appellation refers to him.
Disclaimer: All profits to RJ
Chapter 21: No Matter the Cost
Those following weeks were possibly the strangest of Kea's life; knowing that she, an Accepted, was involved in waging a secret war with five other Aes Sedai, against the Black Ajah. It was exciting and terrifying. Any Sister could be Black and if any of them knew, any who were in the same… what was the word… heart, as Revoir. Revoir had been dosed with Forkroot and the full Sisters were using a chair shaped ter'angreal, called the Chair of Remorse, on her. They did not have Kea join in they said she was already too much in love with battle and hurt. That had angered her but she had tried to be meek and not let it show. Hadn't it been she who had come and gotten them? It had been she who had convinced them that Revoir was Black and to go do something about it. She was finding out now that they had many suspicions but they were afraid to act, for fear of making an error. A small part of Kea knew that caution was crucial and that the Sisters were wise to act so but she chaffed at the time it was taking. Revoir was incredibly reluctant to foreswear her oaths to the Dark One. This meant that they must be terrible indeed for she had shown herself to be anything but a woman of courage.
So, suspense and excitement, fear and impatience all warred within her. She had to wait, always to wait on other people. Wait for them to break Revoir, wait for them to find more Black Ajah, wait for them to raise her full Aes Sedai so that she could act as she wished and could bond Dirk. That she would bond him was in her mind a foregone conclusion she had decided it in her heart long before she had realised it consciously. She assumed Dirk had come to this same conclusion and was simply waiting as she was. The halls of the White Tower seemed as pain as the walls of a cell, as hard as the bars of a prison.
She had practised channelling under all sorts of stresses and distractions and found that her abilities and control had grown considerably during her stay in the Tower. The Aes Sedai were as good a set of Teachers as they claimed to be. And she had been as good a pupil as they could have wished for. Still her time as a damane had given her plenty of experience channelling in conditions of battle, cold, heat and near death. She was ready to be tested and raised, but still everything was delayed.
So she had read the Roots of the Circlet of Memory. That had proved more difficult than she had expected. Confident in her Talent which she had used so often she had waded in and found herself caught in a tide more powerful than she. The Circlet contained hundreds, no thousands of memories. She could see it being used numberless amounts of times by hundreds of different Aes Sedai, unsure if any of them were Revoir. She was lost like a child in a swamp, unable to see anything distinctive, unable to move and explore safely, excruciatingly curious and yet in deathly danger and consumed by fear. She did not know where to step in that marsh of memories. So she had stopped channelling and withdrawn; to wait, to keep on waiting. It had been driving her insane. That was until today. Today everything changed. Today Revoir had broken.
She had been summoned by Kiruna Sedai and arrived to find Pevara and Saerin in the room as well as Kiruna. Kea had curtsied as was proper though her heart was hammering with excitement and her lips were set to burst holding in the torrent of words and questions that were so eager to pour forth.
"We have her," Pevara had announced simply. That was her style and manner, regardless of whether she was discussing the weather, men who could channel, lecturing Novices or discussing the torture of a Sister of the Black Ajah.
"She had foresworn her oaths and re-sworn those that make her Aes Sedai. She also swore the fourth oath of obedience. She has divulged the names of her Heart and her 'one other'. We included you in the forth oath child." Kea smiled at this her face unable to hide her joy or her pride in being included. The possibilities were now endless. "It was a close thing on whether we did or not but that facts are clear. You brought us to her and you will be raised soon enough. This is no time for quibbles of age and seniority. Still we would like you to consider this a test. Abuse this position and you will be dealt with by us. This chance will not be offered a second time."
"I understand," replied Kea as humbly as she could. She had been going to stare Pevara in the eye to assure her she was ready for the challenge but remembered how some of her sul'dam mistresses had seen such an action. So she kept her eyes lowered as she assured the Aes Sedai she would not let them down. Only hours later she was with Revoir and getting the information she needed; less than an hour after that she was seeking the Warders.
Dirk swung his blade through three tight arcs each intersecting the others. He and two other Warders were trying to disarm and defeat Ashley. He was remarkably gifted with the sword and was simply too fast for Dirk to keep up with. Still the three of them were no novices to blade-work and were trying to work through his blinding quick swipes with practised tactics as they probed for an opening.
As they fought Dirk felt his mind wander. Fighting was quite mechanical for him, especially when it was unnecessary. This was just a test of skill, speed and technique, nothing too important. As he never remembered learning to fight or even much of the fighting he had done, it was more automatic than anything except breathing. This reminded him of how things were with Kea she moved too fast for him to keep pace. Her abilities with the One Power made her a force he could never equal. So instead he sought to break her down and understand her one step at a time. He had to work slowly patiently, building up each moment atop another until he could be sure that what he did would count for something. Should he dive right in he would be beaten just as surly as he would should he recklessly attempt to skewer Ashley on his blade right now. Instead he backed away a step and brought his blaxde down hard on the point of Ashley's weapon driving the point low and almost into the ground. Another of the Warders moved in to stab Ashley but he twisted his body and his sword in one fluid movement. The twist of his sword took it out from under Dirk's blade and his body span him round to face this new attack. Even as Ashley brought his sword up to attack one Warder, his feet carried him away from yet another attack from the last. How he did it all Dirk could not fathom. Not only could his body not keep up with Ashley his mind couldn't either. Ashley beat almost every Warder who sparred with him. Galad, a trainee from before the split had been able to beat him one on one and some of the Warder trainers, but not many. Still three on one was a test, if you out number someone, no matter how strong, you have a chance.
As Dirk attacked again trying to draw Ashley's fire he noticed Kea standing watching the contest. He almost shook his head at the surge of adrenalin. Like a child he wanted to suddenly impress, now he was in front of his friend. But reason won out it always did with Dirk. He held himself steady and didn't sell his two allies short. Then he saw it. It was as if Kea's arrival had lit a light in his mind. He pulled his sword into both hands and slashed horizontally at Ashley's back as he had known he would, Ashley span back from his last clash and blocked the blow. As soon as the swords connected Dirk dug his feet in and lunged forward onto the two swords and Ashley. In a flurry of movement the two went down in a heap of blades and limbs. Dirk felt the bite of sharp steel but simply gritted his teeth this was the only way to beat Ashley before he managed to take them out one by one.
"Your dead Dirk," said Ashley, his Taraboner accent coming out clearly in his confusion.
"I know," admitted Dirk, lying atop him unwilling to move and let the cut across his chest bleed freely. The blade was still plugging some of the wound. "But so are you,"
That much was true. Both the other Warders had blades to Ashley's throat. "If we'd kept on you would have got us tired and making mistakes and one by one we would have been beaten. If there are more than one of us and we can get a one for one trade it makes sense to take it."
Ashley laughed but just as Dirk was trying to join him in that laughter he felt a sharp pain rip across his chest as he was pulled up and back off the crossed blades between them.
"Inhuman! Men!" Kea was shouting. "Why weren't you using practise lathes if you were going to start doing that kind of foolishness?"
Ashley was apologetic as he got to his feet bleeding very slightly himself, through his shirt. "Sorry Accepted, normally we don't do much foolishness. It's really the first time any of the Warders have tried something like that with unsheathed steel."
"Yes, I know it's Dirk's fault. you don't have to tell me. Dirk how could you? No, don't speak I am too angry with you. Where do you think you are going Gaidin?"
Ashley turned back; he had been trying his best to leave. "Come here and let me heal you. I am not very good at it but there, that will have to do. Go and get something to eat, at least you didn't need much. Now go and you two make sure he gets something to eat." All three of the Gaidin seemed happy to be away from the irritable Accepted and made quick time away from her.
"How could you Dirk? You are too reckless!"
"I knew who I was fighting. It was the only way to beat him," answered Dirk calmly.
"You didn't need to beat him, you were just practising, and that's why no one has done that to him before with bared steel! You could have been seriously hurt Dirk!"
"Not really I knew what I was doing and I knew who I was fighting. As we fell he spent his split second turning his blade flat against me. I knew I risked little more than a scratch."
"You be quiet Dirk Steadysteel. This is NOT a scratch!" He was hit without warning by a jolt of healing that fair took his breath from him and left him feeling hungry and tired; too tired to fight with the whirlwind that was his Aes Sedai. No! Not his Aes Sedai, his friend, his friend Kea. Dirk shook his head tapping himself on the side of the skull with the flat of his hand.
"Now get up, oh I am so mad with you. But this is more important Dirk I know. I know how to use the Circlet; you need to come with me so we can use it on you. You'll find out everything we'll be able to finish what you and Nevir Sedai started."
That left him speechless. What did you say to someone who offered you your entire life? It was too impossible, though he had known for sometime that it was possible, even certain that this time would eventually come. Still it had not been real till now. Then he remembered the warnings, from himself, from Kea, from the Saerin Sedai. He didn't know what to do what to think. Luckily Kea wasn't asking him. Instead she took him almost by the scruff of the neck, as it were, and half dragged, half walked him back into the Tower. Things were busy in the Tower apparently a negotiation group had been sent to the Black Tower and negotiations had been re-opened with the Rebel Aes Sedai as well. So things were truly bubbling inside the Tower. Kea and a bewildered Dirk were the least of anyone's worries.
As they went she explained that Revoir had to obey her and she had commanded the woman to tell her how to use the Circlet of Memory. She did not tell him that Revoir had renewed her protests that returning memory was always tricky and this much at once both dangerous and potentially permanently character altering. She had also reiterated Saerin Sedai's warning against Kea trying it. Kea had succinctly commanded her not to speak of her intentions unless specifically asked by someone who she had sworn to obey. That had made her proud and ashamed at the same time. Proud that she was learning so well to be Aes Sedai and circumvent truth and oaths and ashamed for exactly the same reasons. She was misusing the Aes Sedai's gift of trust. Worse, she did not care.
Moments later they were approaching her rooms. "Cloak yourself and I'll put up a little Ward to help. Can't have all the raised eyebrows you going into my rooms would cause. Dirk looked discomforted but did as he had been asked. Even as her eyes slipped away from him she weaved another cloak of the Power over where he stood making him even more indistinct, as if gauze had been laid over the place where he stepped.
It worked; they arrived in her apartments unchallenged. She let go of a breath she had not realised she had been holding. As she released it she heard Dirk releasing a longer and louder breath right behind her. She let her Weave disperse and turned to her cot. From under her mattress she retrieved the Circlet of Memory. As she had been instructed by Revoir she attuned it to Dirk. This was as she had been told very easy because he was the last person to have used it. Revoir explained that though it was activated by the Power it was the persons own mind that operated the ter'angreal. The mind she had suggested would be just as strong as the One Power if one knew as much about how to use it. Utter rubbish but Revoir must have believed it because she had said it, and without any Aes Sedai like twisting of her words.
When she turned she saw Dirk as tense as when they had met and she had almost killed him. He seemed like a trapped rabbit staring at her, paralysed by fear. She felt certain if she made any sudden movement, he would bolt. "Remember Dirk, all we are going to do is remember. That's all. This is the last thing you need to do and we will have the Black Ajah. We will have the weapon, you and Nevir found. You have to do this, we have to do this!"
He nodded and lowered himself to the floor sitting cross legged. He pulled out a small piece of paper and wrote a scribbled line or two. Then he placed it beside him face down and looked at her. She moved across determined not to catch his eyes and feel the need to answer the questions there. He wanted to know what would happen but she couldn't lie to him, not about this. Indeed, maybe not ever again, thanks to her oath. Luckily for her, he was good at doing what he was told, just like she had been.
She laid the Circlet on his head and with the slightest touch of Spirit she aligned it with his memory. Then reaching into the ter'angreal she sensed the block. The memories were not stored within the Circlet she had learned, rather the Circlet worked as a kind of seal. The memories were still in some part of Dirk's brain or soul, wherever memories were kept by the body. The circlet had sealed them away from his consciousness and now she would unseal them. Breaking a dam and allowing them to flow free once more through his consciousness. She found the seal and using the Power she figuratively picked it up in her hands. For a moment she relished the Power she had over him. She could not help it; she could reconstruct his memories any way she wanted. Take out anything she didn't like, make sure he only remembered her as beautiful and strong. That made her think, what if he had a love, even a wife or a family? Would she give him that back? She didn't want him to leave and go to other responsibilities he might have, other loves even other women. Shaking herself in anger or denial she mentally railed against herself for her selfishness. Before such thoughts could return she smashed the seal into a million pieces, beyond any thought of reconstruction or salvage.
She opened her eyes and stepped back. Dirk remained sat cross legged on the floor. The circlet on his head hummed slightly, but otherwise looked unchanged and inert. Dirk's eyes were closed but occasionally scrunched up. When this happened his neck would go rigid and his body tremble for a moment, but he made no sound. Occasionally he would jerk his head from one side to another. He was like this for first minutes and then hours. Kea did not know what to do. So she waited, and waited. When the morning rays crept through her window she could feel her fatigue mounting. It was difficult to stay, yet impossible to leave. She was responsible for this. Every horrible consequence of messing around with ter'angreal you didn't understand was rippling through her memory. She had trusted a woman who she had known was Black Ajah. She had ignored more senior Sisters. Why had she been so rash with her only true friend? He was it, she realised, her only friend, her only family. He was the only Warder she wanted, the only man for that matter. Oh it hurt, she might have thrown him away and why? Simply for impatience to get what she wanted. She felt lower than the dog she had believed herself to be when she had been damane. Truly she was marath-damane right now. She should be leashed; if she was she could never have done this. She remembered her archways, how she had let Dirk down. How she had sacrificed him for herself and left him. Maybe this was her doing it for real? Clutched in her hand was the paper he had scribbled on. No matter the cost! I trust you with my mind and my heart. My life before yours!
His heart, could that mean… Just as she was about to sink into utter despair and go and confess all to Saerin, Pevara and the others, Dirk's eyes snapped open. Almost sobbing with relief she sank down in front of him, her eyes filling with tears of relief. "Dirk your back!" she exclaimed almost laughing, an inch from crying. Moving for an instant to put her arms around his shoulders and sag on him in relief.
But as her eyes locked with his and she saw the pitiless voids that stared back at her she realised that she had just unknowingly told a lie.