Crazy trouble with love part 6
Viper and Jackie
Series: Jackie Chan Adventures
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-Egyptian desert, outside the Valley of the Kings-
The sands of the ancient desert whooshed in the wind while a jeep drove a cross its barren surface. The driver had a blue mask on to try and keep any of the sand from their eyes.
"This is almost too easy." The driver said with a smirk. "And almost at the entrance to Duat, and the temple of Nehebkau."
The jeep moved faster in the burning sands while it started to get bumpier than normal.
"Although I can do without the speed bumps." The person said before the jeep got stuck on something and nearly sent the person flying into the sand. "What the? Ok this is just great!"
As the person got out to see the problem, the person noticed a bit of cut stone in the sand. "Perfect, figures I'd hit a rock." but another look found that it was covered in hieroglyphics, which read Gate of Duat. "Well I be damned."
They picked it up with a grunt and took the mask off as it showed a smiling Viper. "Seems like I didn't have to dig around in the sand after all, today's my lucky day."
Ssssss.
She blinked before the ground gave way and she fell into a small room with no lights and with sand covering it. She looked around and sighed. "Great, figures it wouldn't be that easy. On the upside, this could be like in the movies."
A small scorpion scurried by while another one came, and another and another until they were covering the walls.
"Crap." she frowned backing up and putting the stone on her belt. "I think I'd prefer snakes." She then carefully walked passed them while noting the walls were covered in copper. "What I wouldn't give for a power drill right about now."
She then noticed a fork in the road, one with gold walls and the other covered in snakes. She rubbed her chin. 'Ok think, usually they make things seem like an easy choice, but there's a catch. Sometimes they tend to make the real path seem more deadly. Ok….this way.'
She walked towards the snake covered hall and found that the snakes were an optical illusion made by finely made snake statues. "Ok, so far so good."
As she walked down the hall, she noticed it was getting bright and brighter until she entered a room covered in gold and gems of various shapes and sizes. In the center of that was a large two headed snake with two arms next to it holding either a giant ruby or a canopic jar with Horus' head acting as a lid. "I hit the jackpot."
She ran towards the giant gem while noticing a warning on the arm saying Beware, oh mortal, for if thou take the cursed object then a curse of Nehebkau shall be invoked. Thy body shall be formed a new and thy husband will rest no longer. So speaks Nehebkau, guardian of Duat, and keeper of the treasure of Ra.
She eyed the ruby and rubbed her hands. "You're gonna get me a nice little trip to France big boy." She carefully grabbed the gem while noting it was much lighter than a normal gem. "Huh Unexpected." she turned and started walking before feeling the gem shaking.
The gem then exploded with light as it hit Viper in the face, casing her to go temporarily blind.
"GAH!" she covered her face. "My eyes! Oh god I can't see!"
As she cried out in pain, she didn't notice that her legs were starting to fuse into a single long black tail as her ears pointed a little bit.
After a while her sight returned to normal, but left her with yellow eyes for some reason. She blinked and shook her head while feeling off balance and fell on her back. "Damn it, what's going….on?" She looked around and then at her feet, which were um...well not there. "What the fuck?!"
She tried to sit up and move her legs, but all it did was make the tail move just a little. "What is going on?! Why do I have a tail?! And why the fuck am I seeing heat signatures?!" She then noticed her mouth had long pointed fangs. "Oh great, don't tell me this is some damn curse."
That was when she thought having the Horse talisman, only to realize it was stored away in Section 13, and the one that guarded it was hands-wait what?!
"What the fuck was that?!" she hissed while trying to stand up, and fell again. "Damn it! Why can't I get up?! Ugh, if only Chan was here, maybe he might help me, but if I tell him I'm cursed he's gonna find out about this, read me the riot act about stealing, yadda yadda yadda, and I don't need that right now." She frowned before her mind wandered a little bit as she saw herself on a date with Jackie.
She shook her head and managed to move on the floor, feeling it was easier and went back the way she came. "I just gotta get back to Section 13, get the horse, and go back to normal before he finds out." She then had another day dream of her getting flowers from Jackie. "Oh god, I'm starting to flirt with myself!"
(A few days later)
-San Francisco-
Viper managed to get back here, after hiding on the plane's cargo hold, and was navigating through alleys to keep from being seen. This wouldn't be a problem, if she didn't have a very long tail or nearly scared herself from knocking over trash cans and bottles.
"Alright, if I remember right, it should be down this next corner." She said to herself before seeing the telephone booth, but there was one problem.
The fact there was a man using it.
She facepalmed and hissed with a frown. "Perfect, just perfect."
The man continued to talk on the phone while not noticing that the woman was slowly moving behind him. "Yes, I know honey, I'll get you the milk."
Viper hissed while her tail wrapped around him and sent him flying into a trash can. "I need it more!"
"AHH!"
CRASH!
"Ow…"
"Hello? Willber? Hello? Hell-"
Click.
She moved into the booth and tried to get her tail in, but that was even more difficult than expected. Especially with her tail sticking out of the door. "Come on, snakes are suppose to be flexible, so get in!"
She tugged harder while the tail went in and hit her in the face. "Ow! Stupid tail!"
Eventually she got it in and made sure the door was closed. The booth went down a hole while Viper rubbed her nose.
'Just why must I have a tail? I'm a fan of snakes but I don't want to be one! And what if Jackie has a leg fetish...ok now I know I'm losing it!'
-Section 13-
The door opened as Viper felt a little tight inside the booth for obvious reasons. She grunted and squirmed a little before falling out and sighed with relief. "Thank god."
"And I say he's a beaver." Spoke a guard to another as they walked down the hall. "After that, he went mad and started pounding a stuffed beaver and started calling it Mary. What are the odds?"
"Bill, I heard this story before and it's always boring."
"Well I only got so many to tell so you're gonna have to get use to it."
"Yeah like the time you got drunk and started singing I'm a Lumberjack."
"Don't start with me." He frowned while moving passed a hidden Viper, who was hiding in a locker. "I know what you did as well mister pantyhose."
"Hey! You told me you forgot about that!"
"I lied."
She rolled her eyes and slithered out of the locker and down the hall. 'Time to get me a little pony.'
As she slithered towards the vault, she heard a very familiar man and his niece walking down the opposite hallway.
"Please Jackie? I really want to use the Rooster talisman."
"No, you already caused trouble last week with the Snake talisman."
"I was curious about the teacher lounge."
"And nearly made the teachers think the school was haunted. Besides, what do I keep telling you?"
"Not to use them." She groaned before seeing a tail poking out from the hall. "Um Jackie? Does this place have a pet or mascot?"
"No why?"
She pointed to the tail. "Because I see a snake."
Jackie looked and went wide eyed before moving Jade behind him. "Stay here."
"But Jackie, I can handle a tiny old snake." She said annoyed as Viper eye twitched at the old comment.
"Jade." He said sternly.
She huffed in annoyance as the tail started moving a little bit. "Fine, but if you get eaten I'm getting your room."
He rolled his eyes and moved towards it.
Viper looked around while trying to sneak around. 'Ok, the vault is the hall to the left. Just get it, get fixed and get out before he finds me.' she then felt something grabbing her tail as she stiffened. 'Oh crap.'
Jackie looked at the tail while amazed it was part of a much larger snake. 'Did Vance get a pet snake?'
The tail moved up before thrashing around like crazy. He went wide eyed as it knocked him back and started moving away.
Jackie ran after it before jumping on the tail and held on tight.
Viper shivered again while instinctively thrashing her tail to get the person off her as she slithered towards the vault. But the problem she went down the wrong hallway and entered the mess hall. This leading to a lot of agents stopping and turning towards her.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Um...hello boys?" Viper said while moving back from the doors. "Just passing by, don't mind me."
"Intruder!"
"Shit!" She said before slithering off with Jackie still on her tail. 'Damn it! Why did I pick this hallway?!'
"Wait! Get back here!"
"Hell no!" Viper yelled out before running into a headed towards a guest room before slithering in and locked it behind her. "Safe!" but then she felt something on her tail and hissed. 'Of course.'
Jackie stayed tight on the tail while also feeling very sick at the moment.
'Just who is this guy anyway?' Viper thought before moving her tail towards her face. That's when her eyes and his own widened. "Jackie?"
He blinked in confusion. "Viper? What are you doing here? And did you see the snake?"
She shook her head. "I'm here to get the horse talisman, and um….well." She pointed to her waist.
Jackie looked down and jaw dropped in shock. "You are the snake!"
She nervously laughed at that. "Tada, you got yourself a new pet snake." 'This is so embarrassing.'
"W-What happened to you?!"
"...no idea." She lied while her tongue hissed a little.
He frowned while looking at her. "How can you not have any idea?"
"Um….I just do?" She hissed again.
"Viper."
She looked away while feeling a little nervous being near him for some reason, and it wasn't because she was caught either. "Ok, so I might….have been looking for a ancient treasure in Egypt."
"What kind of treasure?"
"...the lost temple of Nehebkau." She gulped. "Or now found temporary temple of Nehebkau."
"What?! But that's cursed!"
"I know now!" She hissed. "And it wasn't my fault I chose the glowing gemstone!"
"Gemstone?"
"Big ruby that blinded me."
He groaned and facepalmed. "Viper, don't you know that temples like that ALWAYS make you choose between something shiny and something less desirable?"
"No."
"The less desireable are always the right ones!"
"..." she looked away. "If you saw the size of this gem you'd wanna have it too."
"Viper, what was the curse exactly?"
"Something about the person to be changed and their husband to never rest. But I don't have one so that parts never going to hit me."
"Well why did you come and sneak into Section 13?"
"Horse talisman, duh."
He facepalmed. "Right, but you should have asked."
"And get nagged by you? No way." She frowned while feeling a little annoyed at him, even if she found his serious face kind of cute.
"Viper, I keep-"
"Telling me to give up stealing blah blah blah, well I was just going by the whole finders keepers rule since I found it. Besides, sailors do the same to wrecked ships, what's so bad about taking a little treasure off of some dusty old temple?"
"It's morally wrong."
"Yeah yeah." She hissed angrily. "Cry me a river."
He frowned. "We'll talk this over, AFTER you're back to normal."
She nodded before moving her tail down and opened the door. "Just tell the guards that I'm your wife-I mean friend."
He looked at her surprised while she blushed and looked away. "What was that?"
"Um...nothing husband." She said before covering her mouth. 'What's going on?!'
'Odd.' He thought while feeling like he entered another universe. He walked out and saw agents running over and aim their weapons at Viper. "Wait wait! She's ok, she's a friend of mine."
"Likely story." One agent said while not buying it.
"It's true." Viper said while moving closer to Jackie. "He's my husband-I mean friend."
"Which one is it lady?"
"Friend."
"..."
'Shit shit shit shit!'
"Easy boys, she's an ally." spoke Captain Black walking over before blinking. "Uh, you're looking...different today."
"Yes I got hitched." She said sarcastically as the tail moved from side to side.
"It's just a little curse, we need to use the horse talisman." spoke Jackie.
"Oh, well I could have given you it but…." he sighed. "Your niece took it a few minutes ago, something about starting a veterinarian job or something."
"Swell." sighed Viper rolling her eyes.
"But I got my best men looking for her as we speak."
"That's a relief." Jackie said before noticing that Viper was looking at him oddly. "Um Viper?"
"Huh? Yes?"
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?" She looked away with a pink face.
"Like that."
"Um….oh! I was thinking about fancy tuxes with gems for buttons." She tried to say calmly. "And I was using you as a model."
"Um...ok?"
"Say Jackie, maybe we should go sit down, using one tail is a lot more work then you think."
"Ok." he said to Viper with a smile, which for some reason made her blush a little.
'Just what's wrong with me?!'
(Sometime later)
Both were on a bench while part of Viper's tail was on Jackie's lap.
"So why are you using my lap as a stool for your tail again?" He asked a little flustered.
"It's either this or let some of the guys around here trip over it, this is long."
"True, but it feels kind of weird."
"And being half snake is not weird enough for you?"
"Well I did one time turn completely into stone."
"But you got better." She rolled her eyes. "And personally you don't look good with a stony completion."
"Oh ha ha, real funny." he remarked dryly with his arms crossed. "We still have to talk."
"About what?" She said while looking at her tail.
"You still stealing things."
"More like take from those that don't need it. Like crime lords and the mafia." She shrugged. "And I was getting that treasure because I thought it might get me some dough for later down the lines when I start a family. But now I'm a snake lady."
"Still, what's so bad about trying to get a regular job?"
"Boring." She groaned. "Completely boring and full of shady people. Plus I tried working at this fast food place in college and got groped by my boss." She frowned. "The last I heard of him he's still in the hospital for grease burns."
Jackie winced hearing that.
"And besides, you're the one who still goes around the world messing with evil and lending a hand to a secret government organization. How is that being 'regular' with your whole archaeologist career?"
"...it just happens."
"Yeah and saving the world almost every week isn't a 'it just happened' moment with you." She said with a raised eyebrow.
"Uh...he he he, ok you got me there." he admitted with a blush.
"And believe me, I doubt any 'normal' girl would date a guy that fights dragons and demons for a living."
"True...wait why are you telling me this?"
"Well think about it, when was the last time you had a girl actually enjoy your company and wasn't trying to kill you?"
"Well, Jade for one."
"I mean older, around your age, and wasn't either trying to end your life."
He thought about it and got one idea. "Well, Jade's mother, she does make good dumplings."
She facepalmed.
"Ok ok, so my life isn't 'normal' as much as I wanted it to be."
"Gee you think?" She frowned. "Really you're going to be alone if you don't find the right girl, or guy."
"Guys?"
"You know, like coming out of the closet."
"B-But I'm not like that!"
She chuckled. "Oh? So you and Valmont aren't trying new 'skills' on the desk?" 'I hope not! Wait? Why was I just...ew!'
Jackie frowned at that. "Not funny."
"I know." She hissed while moving a little closer. "But it's fun, hus-Jackie."
'Somethings going on with her, I mean why is she saying husband…..wait.' He recalled the last part of the curse and paled. 'Can it be?!'
Viper tried to calm herself down while her tail wrapped around Jackie's waist. 'Ok, just calm down. It's just this stupid curse getting to you, not me going gaga for him. Even if he's cute, handsome, a good father figure, and sexy….FUCK!'
'I must get away and get Uncle, maybe he can find a chi spell to help.' He thought while Viper looked red as a ruby.
"Um, husband-I mean Jackie." She said while turning around. "Is it possible I'm going nuts right now?"
"N-No."
"Well, I'm just saying that because I think this curse is making me act like my high school self." she covered her face. "I use to hit on all sorts of guys and was a complete idiot since I went with the whole 'he's big and strong so he must be nice' kinda phase."
"Oh….that's...nice?"
"It wasn't! Heck I was dumped fifty times! And the other guys were just crazy stalkers that would take pictures of me in the locker room!" She hissed angrily. "It was the worse part of my entire life!"
He jumped while getting nervous at seeing her fangs.
"And the most annoying part was that my first REAL committed boyfriend cheated on me with not one, not two or three, but TEN GIRLS! JUST WHO DOES THAT?!"
'Oh boy.'
She hissed angrily before taking a deep breath. "After that I went to college and decided to locate rare objects."
"And become a thief?"
"Oh no, first I was a dealer at a few casinos and learned how to gamble."
"You? A gambler?"
"I could beat you in one turn at poker." She smirked.
"I find that hard to believe." he smiled. "I might not look like it, but I have quite the set of hands." 'That and a pair of gloves tried using, good thing they're gone for good.'
"..." she chuckled before saying. "If you could beat me in poker then I might rock your world."
He blushed and shook his head. "Uh, maybe some other time."
She blushed and nodded in agreement. "So….that's my backstory. Not really as glamorous as you imagined."
"Well it would be funny if you were trained by a raccoon with a cane."
"And you a panda with an endless stomach."
"Don't tell that to Tohru." he smiled while she giggled.
"Oh I won't." She chuckled while her tail squeezed Jackie a little too hard.
"Gah!"
"OH! Sorry, my bad." She said while letting go a little bit. "I almost forgot about how strong snake tails were. Are you ok?"
"Y-Yes." he groaned rubbing his arm. 'Although I don't need a broken arm, two broken legs is enough for me.'
Viper looked at the arm before instinctively moving closer and licked it.
He stiffened at this unexpected gesture.
"Oh! Sorry, again." She moved back while looking a little red in the face. 'What was that?!'
'Is the curse making her more affectionate to me? Well that wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't a thief.' He thought. 'That and Jade would be pestering me about this a lot more than usual.'
And cue said niece walking by the hall. She took one look at Viper's tail and jumped back with a scream.
"S-Snake lady!"
"I'm not a snake lady, well I don't own one but that's besides the point." Viper said with an eye twitch.
"Jade relax, it's Viper."
"...oh." Jade said while getting a little closer. "So she's not a demon or a crazy science experiment gone wrong?"
"No."
She rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment.
"Jade, where is the horse talisman?"
"Um….I kind of left it with Uncle. He wanted to put some chi into it, something about recharging the natural energy or something." 'That and get it fixed, it wasn't my fault I was trying to heal an elephant and it stopped working.'
"Great, so now I'm stucked like this." frowned Viper.
"Look on the bright side." Jade smirked. "I didn't lose it."
She hissed in annoyance.
"So why is Viper half snake?"
(One explanation later)
"Woah, so you can't change back?"
"I could if I knew or HAD something that would fix my body." She said while her tail swished a little. "But no, I'm stuck like this."
"And you're getting hitched?" Jade asked confused.
"No!"
"Not even for Jackie?"
Viper blushed while Jackie felt very flustered.
"So that's a no right? Because I personally think you would make a great aunt." she smiled. "Especially with the whole actual snake stuff. Ooh! Does that mean you can squeeze someone and make your jaw look bigger?"
"No, I don't do that." Viper frowned. "But I do squeeze little girls that talk too much."
"Right, shutting up."
Viper nodded before looking at Jackie. "Don't worry, I can handle this sort of stuff." she then said something a little shocking for Jade. "After all, I am a good wife."
He blushed while Jade smiled.
'Called it!'
'Ugh! This is getting old real fast!' She thought while imagining her in a wedding dress and getting carried into a house in the countryside. 'What-Ok! I'm not worrying about that shit!'
"So when's the wedding?"
"There is no-"
"Next month." Viper said while finally letting the last part of the curse take over. "And it's going to be fancy so bring your best dress."
"Sweet!" she smiled while Jackie looked at Viper with wide eyes.
"W-What?!"
Viper hissed while moving towards Jackie. "Well, if I'm cursed to have feelings for you then why not utilize it? Plus," she whispered in his ear. "I think your really hot."
He dropped his jaw before suddenly feeling the tail wrap around his body. "W-Wait! Can't we talk about this?"
"Oh come on Jackie, you two literally look like the perfect couple. Plus if she gets married she might tone down on all the stealing, ever think about that?"
He blinked as Viper moved more of her coils around his body. 'But I'm not ready!'
"And perhaps I could oh I don't know. Let you 'charm' me every day." She said with a smirk. She then kissed his lips.
He blushed crimson while Jade gave them a thumbs up.
'Oh I'm so going to enjoy being their flower girl, maybe best woman? Ooh, that's good.'
'Bad day? Or good day?' Jackie thought while feeling Viper using her tongue.
'Cursed gem or not, I might enjoy this a little too well.' Viper thought with a smirk.