A/N: Ugh I am so sorry. This update took forever and I don't even have a real reason for it. I kept getting side tracked by real life and family time and marathoning TV shows and reading and ugh I'm just sorry ok? Here have some Castiel flavoured angst because we haven't had that yet and y'all need to get in Cas' headspace and then next chapter Dean's headspace for this whole bonding and feels thing to make sense. So yeah.

Castiel stood in the clearing, hand outstretched, his voice still echoing in the cavern as he watched Dean disappear into the woods. Castiel felt his grace snap in on itself, drawing away from his limbs and into a smaller ball in his chest. He felt so heavy. For so long he had been alone, safe in his solitude, he had not even dared to hope that one day he would find someone to help him break his banishment. He had thought that he would remain on earth until his grace burnt out like a dying star and he rusted into stone and became a part of the earth. But then Dean came into his life, soul burning like a lantern in the night, drawing Castiel in, pulling him through the dark he had allowed to creep upon him.

Castiel heaved a sigh. He had allowed the human closer than anything had ever gotten. He had housed the human within his grace, which would have been seen in heaven as an intimate act, but here seemed just a necessity. He had visited Dean within his dreams, originally thinking that if he could house Dean within his grace, surely he could visit Dean's soul as he slept. But what happened once as an experiment became too difficult to stop. It was addictive, being inside Dean's innermost thoughts, basking in him like he was a sun. Castiel couldn't explain it, he didn't have words for all of the things that he found but the force of the emotions that the human felt within him was intoxicating. It dragged Castiel in and held him under, drowning in the sensations and wonder of the world through another's eyes.

He had tried to be careful not to reveal himself, thinking it would be easier if Dean had no knowledge of Castiel. Dean was so guarded, and Castiel didn't think the human would take kindly to his blatant intrusion into the man's most intimate thoughts and feelings. And then, unexpectedly, Dean started to show him an easy affection that Castiel had never experienced before. A casual brush of hands, a lingering glance, the warmth of an embrace. A human set of comforts that made Castiel ache deep in his grace. He then found himself pulling away a half-second too late, once he had already seen a glimmer of recognition in Dean's soul. He couldn't help it. It was so much easier in the human's dreams. He could be everything Dean needed. He could be unthreatening and safe, a comfort for the human instead of a strange beast.

But last night he had pushed too much, lingered much too long. He had accidentally confused the human's soul, could see the thin threads of doubt and fear forming on the edges of Dean's brightness, dark against the almost blinding light of Dean. He had an infinite number chances to pull away before the damage was done but he couldn't. He had wanted to linger as long as he could, safe in the warmth of Dean's soul.

He felt a flair of injustice, an quick glare sent up to his father. He couldn't help but feel as if he was being tested. Like maybe Dean had been brought to Castiel on purpose, to teach him a lesson. Dean was a muddle of love and loyalty and bravery and everything that made humans good. He made Castiel yearn to be easier to look upon so perhaps the easy affection Dean showed him within dreams would translate into the waking world. For the first time he ached to be able to take a vessel, to stand in the skin of a man before Dean, to make him feel as safe and cared for as Dean had done just by instinct in the dreams. It was unfair that after all this time that Dean had found his way to him, gotten close enough to touch, only to be scared away by Castiel's mistakes.

Castiel rose to his feet. He circled around the clearing, a furious tinkling like wind-chimes in a rainstorm accompanying his movements. He growled low in his chest, letting his anger boil within him. He stalked to the tree line and grabbed one of the trees around the bottom, viciously ripping it from the earth. He let a half scream tear out of him as he threw it across the clearing. It landed with a crash, snapping another other tree clean in half. It felt good to let out his need for destruction. It had been millennia since he had upended anything from the earth and made something else hurt with him. Not since his banishment. He had always thought that displays of emotion were so human. Like they were a weakness and a plague to be avoided. But now, when he felt his last chance hanging on the precipice, it was all he could do to keep himself from tearing the entire forest apart and banishing Dean from his presence forever. He let out another scream, letting it tear through the forest and shake the earth. Distantly he sensed Dean but he angrily turned his consciousness away from the human. Some things demanded to be felt and Castiel had spent so much time in a human soul that his feelings rolled just below his surface.

He tore trees out of the forest until there was a large enough pile of lumber that Castiel started to feel the destruction and emptiness in his grace. He stopped, wings heaving with emotion. He hurt. He felt betrayed by his brother who had poisoned his thoughts, he felt abandoned by his father, he felt cold with the loss of Dean's presence, but most of all he felt empty.

Being on earth, being forced to take a corporeal form on earth was exhausting. He was weighed down, tethered to the earth by gravity, no longer a celestial being made up of light and energy. His fingers were numb and he was suddenly just so tired. After all this time, the millions of years, he just wanted to rest. He wanted to blink and have millennia pass him by, humans having lived and died a thousand generations while he slept. Every second on earth was an eternity. How did the humans do it? The living and dying measured by the sun. Lives counted by how many summers had passed them by. Such a long time for something so small. Small but bright, he realized. Like fireflies in a dark wood in the summer, pinpricks of light that last but a season. Still beautiful though.

He felt his anger wane and fade into a deep sadness. He wandered to the edge of the river and waded out into the middle of the water to where the stars shone the brightest. He had made this spot when he had built the cavern, where the water was cool and the air was warm and the stars seemed a bit clearer because it had given him hope. It had reminded him of his family and their stories and helped him think of a future, where he could break his banishment and join them again in heaven and be welcomed home, finally belonging. But tonight, with his wings wrapped around his body like a shield, shivering in the night air, the stars just made him feel alone.