I feel like 'sorry' doesn't cut it anymore…but I do feel terrible. I know I owe everyone an explanation, but I really can't talk about everything that has happened. Please just understand that I am not abandoning and that I'm trying my hardest, for what it's worth.
I hope my mindset while I wrote this did not reflect in my writing and if it does, let me know so that I can try to make some changes.
This is probably the longest chapter I've ever written and I hope that it's not too confusing. I also suggest maybe reading last chapter to refresh your memory.
Sorry for re-posting the same chapter, but I was given some really helpful advice and I wanted to put it to use. Thank you so much dancingonmytoes13 for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.
Feel free to reread to see all the little changes I've made, but you don't have to if you don't want to.
Disclaimer: I don't own Maximum Ride
Day 1 (MPOV)
Everyone has those nights when no matter what you do, you cannot fall asleep. We all know we should sleep because tomorrow morning we'll be tired, but that doesn't matter. We will still be stuck in sleeping limbo no matter how hard you try to fall asleep. Go ahead and close your eyes, but you're not fooling sleep into coming to you. It's pointless and yet we will spend an hour or more in our beds just lying there and growing more and more frustrated.
I rolled over to my right side, hoping that this would feel more comfortable. Nope, feels the same as the left side, I thought bitterly to myself.
After four hours of this, I knew that sleep, that little sneaky bandit, will continue to hide from me like the jerk he is. Heaving a sigh and throwing my blankets off me, I stood at the foot of my bed and paced.
What are you doing? I chastised myself. I stopped abruptly in my tracks and threw my head back in annoyance; eyes shut tightly and fists clenched at my sides.
I feel so out of control of everything around me. I don't know what I'm going to do about Fang or how I even feel about him. I don't know what comes after this camp of hell. I don't know what I'll do if I can't see Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, or Nudge again. I don't know when the next time father dearest will decide to show up again.
I have never been so uncertain about my life before and it scared the ever living crap out of me. I have no idea what the future holds or what I want out of the future. My eyes snapped open and my head dropped to look straight again.
It was hard to believe that four hours ago, I was inches away from Fang. If I was being honest with myself, I would say it was even more unbelievable that a few days ago I was his girlfriend.
I started pacing again as I considered the possibility that my insomnia was caused by the one guy I wanted to forget.
"No, that can't be it," I muttered unconvincingly to myself. I walked up to my door and gently laid my forehead against it. My hand on the doorknob, I was about to turn it and march to his room to give him a piece of my mind. A certain Max-Ass-Kicking if you will; whether with words or my fists. Maybe both.
How dare he do all those things to me? How dare he kiss me and pretend that he would still be around to kiss me again. How dare he tell me all those sweet nothings and stare at me like I was his everything when he had no intention of sticking around. I still couldn't wrap my head around him. Was there a motive I don't know about? Usually I'm really perceptive when it comes to other people's hidden agendas.
My hand clutched the knob so hard, my knuckles were white. I was about to turn it when I stopped myself. Why should I confront him about the ways he hurt me when he already knows the damage he's done? The damage he did purposely.
Slowly releasing the doorknob, I took three steps backwards; not taking my eyes off that haunting door. Shaking my head, I turned around and climbed under the covers once again. This time, I didn't bother to close my eyes because I know that, like Fang, sleep will never come back to me.
FPOV
There is something disturbingly wrong with me. I thought for the hundredth time as I sat in this dreary hallway outside Max's door.
Bending my legs up, I placed my outstretched arms on my knees and leaned my head back. I closed my eyes as I heard Max toss and turn in her bed. She's been tossing and turning for hours now and it's really starting to worry me. The only good side to her insomnia is that I can hear that she's in there.
Right after I pushed her away, I came and sat outside her room because I couldn't stand the thought of Jeb coming back and taking my Max when my back was turned. I would hate myself if she was taken because I wasn't watching over her. If I can't be in there with her, then I'll be damned if I'm not at least outside her door as I am now.
My eyes snapped open and I stared at the door when I heard covers being thrown back and feet hitting the floor. Jumping up, I quietly walked over and placed my ear on the door.
It sounded like someone was pacing back and forth, but I couldn't tell if that was Max or not. Taking a step back, I fell easily into a stance with my right foot front and my left foot back. I was seconds away from lifting my foot to kick down the door when I heard a voice on the other side.
"No, that can't be it," her voice sounded on the other side.
Her voice. Keep talking Max, I begged silently. I just needed to know she was in there. I had to be certain she was okay.
I pressed my ear up against the door again in desperation to hear her voice without the coldness that I've become accustomed to lately.
That's when I heard Max walk up to the door and grab the doorknob. The wind got knocked out of my chest as I stayed frozen in position just staring down at that shiny brass door knob; waiting for it to turn.
I should move, I tried to reason with myself, but nothing would move. I was immobile and just waiting for what felt like the decision that would make or break my life as I know it.
My heart beat was obstructing me from hearing what Max was doing through the inch thick wood that separated us. Slowly, I raised my hand up and rested it on the door because at this moment, Max and I are the closest we've been in hours which for me was unbearable. The thought saddened me, but I had to keep reminding myself that it was for the better.
All too soon, the sound of Max letting go of the door knob reached my ears followed by the sound of her retreating footsteps. In that moment I realized I wanted Max to find me. I wanted her to take one look and know that I'm hers and she's mine. Or beat me to a pulp which she no doubt wants to do.
No, I quietly begged. Don't walk away just yet. Find me. Yell at me. Anything. Please…
The sound of blankets rustling filled the now quiet room. I felt like the most helpless person in this world at that moment as I rested my forehead on the cold door.
Day 2 (MPOV)
"General Amersham will see you now," a bored voice informed me.
I looked up to see the general's secretary, Ms. Thompson, looking at me with her permanently disgusted expression etched onto her face. She wore her usual tan color skirt suit that seemed to match her bored tone.
I stood up and flashed an all too cheery smile in her direction. "Single and thirty?" I asked in my insufferably sweet voice. "Living the dream," I winked at her before abruptly turning to walk toward the general's office.
Slipping into the general's office, I took a quick peek around to see that nothing had changed. Not even the faint lingering smell of pure Gazzy.
"What's that smell, Pumpkin Cakes?" I asked, wrinkling my nose as I closed the door behind me and stepping further inside enemy territory.
The general's pen stopped moving and his head slowly looked up to see me, in all my glory, standing in front of his desk. His eyes darkened, but his face remained emotionless.
"Cadet," was all he said as a greeting. He set down his pen and sat back in his chair, his back straight and his hands fold neatly on top of the desk.
With that one word, my mind went blank. I heard that tone of voice before, but from different lips. A shiver went down my spine, but I concealed it. Or at least, I hope I did. I did not want the general to think that he intimidates me.
Shaking my head ever so slightly so that the general doesn't know he hit a nerve, I got right down to it. I crossed my arms across my chest and took a defiant stance, "I have some business to attend to with you."
"Business?" he asked, intrigued.
"More like a negotiation," I corrected, looking him straight in his deep dark eyes. He's not Fang.
"I'm listening," he urged.
I subtly took a deep breath and let it out, "I demand a new coordinator in place of Private Amersham. In return, you can count on my full cooperation and no trouble in the near future."
Surprise crossed the general's face followed by a look of pride then a look of contentment. All too soon, his eyes set in his usual emotionless demeanor, but this time, a smirk painted his lips.
God, you Amersham men smirk a lot, I thought to myself, annoyed.
"Whoa there, general," I said sarcastically, holding up my hands in a slow down gesture, "you've just reached your emotion quota for the day. Simmer down, I don't want you to overdose on feelings."
His smirk did not waver as he continued to stare at me. "Request denied," he finally said. He swiftly picked up his pen and began to write where he left off.
No one dismisses me.
In my anger and desperation, I slammed my hands on the desk and leaned forward. The general jumped slightly in his seat, which only added to all the emotions acting within me. "This is me asking nicely," I said through gritted teeth. "Station me somewhere else or I will continue to wreak havoc. You have no idea how capable I am of placing a bad reputation on you and this hellhole you call a camp."
"Cadet Ride," the general began, leaning closer to me, "although I have no trouble believing you, however, I do not think you thought this all the way through. You see, if you were to, as you said, 'wreak havoc', I would be forced to take action immediately."
My arms flexed as I continued to stare down at this smug jerk, "What action would that be Snuggles?"
The general shrugged carelessly as his smirk grew, "Banishment."
I couldn't help but laugh at that one. That's it? I was hoping for something more epic like he'd chop me up and serve me to the whole camp in their beef stew or that he'd try to take away my shower privileges. I pushed off the general's desk and crossed my arms again, the smile never leaving my face. "That's all you got? Quite frankly, my grandma can literally beat you in a punishment battle, but let's hope it doesn't comes to that."
My mind quickly flashed to my mom's story about how her mother would make her kneel in grits sometimes. My mom said it was excruciating and that that was how grits got its name. It was an acronym for Girls Raised In The South.
My mind quickly flashed back to the present as the general leaned back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face. "Wait for it…," he said in a low voice that sent shivers down my back.
Wait for what? For him to 'banish' me from this god forsaken place? For him to deliver the ultimate comeback? For him to take me away from my…
"You wouldn't dare," I snarled, leaning over his desk again.
"Cadet, I thought by now you would know that I have no problems with doing any of the dirty work. That would include splitting you up from your friends who, from my understanding, have become a sort of 'stand-in' family to replace your dysfunctional one. Or rather, nonexistent family; take your pick."
My chest grew tight at the possibility of losing Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel.
Stay strong. Without even meaning to, I found myself applying Fang's boxing advice to my current predicament. Keep your balance and deliver hits you know will be affective. Eyes on target.
I glared at the general and used all my power to stay calm so he doesn't know how pissed off I really am. "Avoiding dealing with me won't do anything good to your 'we can fix anyone' attitude. I wouldn't be bruising your reputation because you'd be doing that all by yourself."
The general stood up abruptly, his chair sliding back and hitting the wall behind him. In two strides, he was at the window and looking out at the few people loitering around before breakfast. His hands were clasped behind his stiff back as he stood there.
I glared at his back as I awaited for princess to make up his mind.
Without turning to me, he began to speak, "Are you aware, Cadet, of where your partners in crime currently reside?"
I stayed silent because the truth is, I wasn't sure where everybody was from. I got that pain in my chest again as I anticipated where he was going with this.
"Arkansas, Michigan, and California," he answered, saying each state slow and precise. He turned slightly to me and added, "In case you were wondering."
I clenched my jaw hard. So hard to the point that pain radiated from everywhere along my jaw. I stayed silent as my mind continued to race with the possibility of not seeing any of them again.
The general turned back to the window, seeming satisfied of the corner he painted me in. "How expensive are plane tickets these days?" he asked snidely.
"Probably between being as overpriced as your ego or as cheap as your cologne," I offered with venom in my voice.
I couldn't do this. I needed space to think. A place where dark eyes can leave and grant me peace if only for a moment. Without another word, I turned and strode out of his office with my head held high.
Space. That's all I need. Nothing else.
Day Three (FPOV)
I looked around the mesh hall, although filled with bodies, it still felt empty and yet unbearably crowded at the same time.
My table was filled with other instructors, but none of which expected me to contribute to their obnoxious conversations. I only caught snippets of what was being said around me, but none that sparked my interest. There were comments like:
"…and then I said, 'get that crayon out of your nose'" or "well I told him not to try to light the candle only using a match and his fart…"
However, the moment I knew I had to get out of there was when someone so boldly said, "Well I meant to fart…" After that, I stood up abruptly, my chair making an earsplitting noise in the nearly silent room.
Everyone turned to me in expectancy, but one stone cold glare into the crowd from me and everyone turned their attention back to their food. All except one.
My eyes locked with Max's from across the room. Her brows were furrowed as if she was trying to read me. I stared back at her, oblivious to the fact that my face had softened minutely.
Even from across the room, I could tell she was exhausted. Faint dark circles touched below her brown eyes that seemed a tint darker these days. Her back was straight with defiance and her fists clenched with restrained frustration.
Before I knew what I was doing, I had already nodded my head towards the door leading to the hallway, signaling to Max that I needed to talk to her. I didn't want to do this anymore. I didn't want to run around anymore trying to make everyone else happy when the outcome can only make me and Max miserable.
I hated how weak I was at that point. I mean, it's only been a few days and yet I can't stick it out. I was whipped and I knew it, but no one else had to know.
With strong force, I pushed the double doors with both my hands and walked swiftly out of there. Once the doors closed behind me with a loud clank, I finally relaxed. My lungs could finally breathe in air and my shoulders released the uncomfortable tension they were holding onto.
I turned down the hallway closest to the doors I just came out of and slumped against the wall. I listened intently for the sounds of the door to open and close and then to be followed by a set of familiar footsteps.
I stood there for twenty minutes without seeing the one person I desperately needed to see. A few times I would bend my neck around the corner and stare at the metal doors, begging them to open, but all attempts were futile.
She didn't want to see me and I wasn't sure if I was ready to see her either. At least, not in an intimate environment like this one.
Was I ready to tell her everything? To tell her that I lied, that I'm just like the general, and that I'm a coward?
But I'm not a coward and I wasn't acting on selfishness when I lied to Max, but there is no denying that I'm like the general. There seems to no longer be any liveliness or caring traits from my mom anymore. All that had disintegrated from my life like she had; like my 'relationship' with Max is.
No, I'm glad she didn't show. I wouldn't know what to say or I'd say too much. All I could think of saying is:
Max, I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend we're both not hurting and that this is what's best for us because if it were for the best then it shouldn't hurt this much. I'm being framed by that jerk, Dylan, who knows about us. He threatened to out us to the general and I couldn't do that because I knew the general would see fault in you and send you away. Dylan also threatened to out me on a secret I've been keeping from you because I didn't want to lose you…
Then what?! I screamed in my head in frustration. I tell her that I made a deal to 'fix' Max and then ship her off like some bad dog that needed training before it went to its owner?
No, I can't do that. I'll just have to find another way to reveal my secret without losing everything. Without losing Max.
Suddenly, the sound of the door opening and closing got my heart rate speeding up. Do I deliver the speech I thought up in my head? Or just a bunch of groveling on my knees?
I couldn't help but crack a smile at the idea of me getting down on my knees for anyone. Well, not so unbelievable when I get down on one knee for Max, but I don't even know if she'd say yes and…
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I mentally smacked myself in the head. We can barely be in the same room together and I'm thinking about making her mine for the rest of my life? I need to see a specialist or something because Max is making me go crazy.
The footsteps were so close now, but they sounded different. I furrowed my brows as I listened to the approaching footsteps.
Before I know it, the general was standing right in front of me, his eyes looking blank yet full of critical comments he's restraining to make.
"Private," he greeted.
"General," I greeted back, my voice implying that I don't want to talk. Pushing off the wall, I take two strides around the general, but didn't get any farther than that.
The sudden grip on my arm was nothing new to me. The searing pain crept up my arm gradually like a slow burning fire as it had countless times through my childhood.
Memories of the general's angry face leering down at a seven year old version of me flashed in my mind. Memories of him chastising me for forgetting to shine the boots or yelling at me for talking out of place.
It's sad to see that I'm still his puppet on strings.
"Focus, Private," the general hissed at me.
Like I learned to do a long time ago, I ignored his hand gripping my arm and distanced myself mentally from the general's angry wrath. I stared ahead without even flickering my eyes in his direction because I knew that even if he was angry at me, he still wouldn't show any emotion on his stone cold face. He would display few emotions to others, but never to his own son.
I scoffed to myself, like he would even consider me as his son
"Don't let me down again," the general continued in an angry whisper. "You're already not headed in the right direction so I suggest you don't embarrass me and fix your attitude along with your tactics."
"Yes, sir," I responded loud and strong.
"Cadet Ride was in my office yesterday requesting a new coordinator," the general said matter of factly.
My jaw clenched at the thought that I was that repulsive to Max. The thought that she didn't want to be near me was understandable, but did she really not care about me anymore? Was I the only one who wanted to fix things between us?
I said nothing, but that didn't stop the general from saying, "Keep it up, Private."
With that, he released my arm and stepped around me like I was a puddle he was trying to avoid stepping in at the last second.
This was what I wanted all along. I wanted his approval. I wanted that little comment that told me that I did a good job, but I wanted him to say it. Now that he has, though, I realize I don't want it anymore; especially not at this price. His comment didn't make me feel accomplished at all. Quite the opposite, really.
I stood there and listened to his retreating footsteps as the one realization played over and over in my head.
She didn't show.
Present (MPOV)
My body was on autopilot as I walked into the mess hall and strode over to the table we always sit at. With no avail, Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, and Nudge were already there with their "food". Please notice the quotations.
"So what kind of rat poison are they feeding us this fine morning?" I greeted the table. I cringed a little as the chair I pulled out made a loud screeching noise.
"Today's special includes: cat poop pancakes, dusty fruit pieces, watered down orange juice, and because they are feeling extra generous today, a muffin," Gazzy listed off the contents of his tray in a voice similar to one of a sports announcer.
I looked at the blueberry muffin he was talking about and decided it looked the least disgusting of the bunch. I snatched it off his tray, but my efforts were useless when I realized the muffin was practically a rock.
I grimaced at the muffin in my hand and dropped it to the table with a thud. Gazzy looked back at me, grinning like he just beat me at a game of chess.
"What? No 'stone-berry muffin' or 'brick-berry muffin'?" I snapped at him with a little more bite than I intended to. Annoyed, I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back in my chair. All I want is a normal breakfast. Is that too much to ask for?
"Whoa!" Iggy chimed in. "Someone is cranky."
I think everyone can sympathize with me here when I say that that is the last thing a "cranky" person wants to hear. It's like saying: "Hey, let's name off a list of characteristics that describe you, but they can only be negative traits that express what a terrible person you are!"
"Not cranky," I mumbled even though I knew that was a lie, "just starving."
"Come on guys," Angel's sweet voice intervened, "leave her alone."
I look up at Angel and mouthed a 'thank you' to her. She smiled and gave me a wink before tossing a granola bar my way.
I snatched that puppy out of the air and barely got the wrapper off before I took a monster bite out of it. I moan in satisfaction as the only real food I had all week made its way to my stomach. All too soon, I was gripping nothing, but an empty wrapper. I looked down to see that I had finished my granola bar with great disappointment.
I groaned as and sat back in my chair again. "I think we need to make another pizza run," I said exasperated. I wrapped my arms around my stomach in an attempt to stop the growls that were currently protesting.
Nudge's head popped up and her eyes wide, "Can we order extra bacon pizzas this time because last time I only got one slice. I was unaware that the smell of pizza automatically turns people into viscous carnivores who would kick a puppy and punch a baby for a slice of pizza. Even the drill sergeants were climbing over people to get a piece. Which I think is sooo hypocritical of them because it's their fault we have terrible food here and if they were that desperate then they should do something about it. In conclusion, I say we set aside one pizza for the drill sergeants, but put laxatives in it."
Nudge finished with an evil smile and she rubbed her hands together to give her an even more sinister look. Sometimes I worry about Nudge. She seems like the type of girl who would never want to get her hands dirty, but I know better. Sometimes she's worse than me with all her scheming.
"Laxatives?" Gazzy asked.
Angel leaned over toward Gazzy and whispered loudly enough for the whole table to hear, "They're pills that make you poop."
For a second, Gazzy's eyes went wider than Nudge's then he busted out laughing. "P-p-poop!" Gazzy gasped out between fits of laughter.
Although there was a smile on my face, I rolled my eyes at Gazzy's red face, "So immature."
Breakfast went on as usual. Iggy and Nudge made goo-goo eyes at each other, Angel continued to plan for the next pizza run, and Gazzy would chuckle every now and then; no doubt thinking of the word 'poop' again.
Me? I simply just sat back and watched. Okay, not stalker watching for whomever's creeper alert beeped in their head. It was more of a basking in the moment watching. It struck me then that we are family. As corny as it sounds, it's true. We know the right buttons to push, but we also know each other well that we can read each other.
This scene in front of me just made me even more determined to find a way out of the general's threat. I can't lose them, not yet. It scares me that everyone will inevitably have to go back to their home state, but not right now. Right now, it's just our time. It's our time to be surrounded by people in the same predicament and with the same sense of humor. We all just clicked, and I'll be stupid if I ruin it by being the first to leave them all.
Life is good….a little too good.
"Attention!" the general demanded at the front of the mess hall.
Aaaand that's what I was waiting for. I knew no good moment lasted forever.
Everyone snapped their heads to the front awaiting the general's words. I sat still, my back to the General and my shoulders square to the table. I'll listen to what General Twinkle Toes has to say, but I'd rather let Nudge paint my toenails before I gave him my full attention and respect.
"Due to the unexpected weather conditions, we have no choice but to relocate today's activities to an inside facility," the general's voice echoed off the walls.
I lifted my head up to look out the closest window to see that the sky was coated with grey clouds and sheets of rain were falling from the sky as if in a rhythm to music that I could not hear.
How did I not notice the rain? I asked myself, momentarily zoning out; not hearing what the general was squawking.
I always loved rain. I loved the smell, I loved the sound, I even love the mystery behind it. Rain just seems so ominous and sinister, like it's hiding a dark secret from the world. I use to fantasize that behind the curtains of rain was a secret so great and yet hidden in plain sight. It was within my grasps, but in the same time, out of reach.
"Max," someone whispered, but it was just background noise to me. All I could see was the rain and the little trails it left behind on the glass of the windows.
Those little trails brought me back to a time with my mom back in Arizona. She was driving me to school one morning and I was so tired that I was silent the whole car ride. Instead, I just looked out the window next to me and watched as water fell in little drops from the clouds. I watched as the drops on the glass streamed down or joined with other drops to become bigger only to fall faster.
I curiously watched the drops move and would even pretend they were little cars in traffic. I would command some to stop and others to go. In a way, it is similar to the real world. You can command people all you want, but in the end, some may follow and others won't.
Although I hate people who don't listen to me or think that I am the most awesome person that I know I am, there was always one exception. I know you all know who that is…
Fang.
This has puzzled me the most. Why would I be so drawn to someone who inferiorities me as much as Jeb and who is as impossible as the general? Still, I have no answer, but the world is full of questions and lacks answers.
Suddenly a sharp pain to my shin radiates up my leg and makes me jump.
"MAX!" Nudge fiercely whispered.
"Ow!" I narrowed my eyes at her. "Do it again, I dare you," I threatened in a louder than appropriate voice given our surroundings.
Nudge's eyes widened slightly and minutely tilted her head to the front of the mess hall where the general was practically burning me with his stare. I looked up at his calm face, but could tell that he was irritated by the way his jaw clenched a little tighter.
Throwing him one of my sweet smiles, I motioned with a wave of my hand for him to continue his speech.
He stared at me a second longer before clearing his throat and continuing, "Groups will be divided up according to lunch table that you are currently seated at. Tables one through five will report to the pool…" The general listed off all the stations, but I just zoned out knowing I could just follow Angel and the rest of them.
"You're coming with me."
Closing my eyes and letting out a breath to calm me, I answered in my strongest and most defiant voice, "No, I'm not." Today will be the first time I'll be able to spend the day with my friends and I'll be damned if someone tries to take that away from me.
His hand was suddenly on my shoulder, his thumb lightly brushing the skin right above my shirt collar. That was strike one.
Strike two came when he bent down and whispered in my ear, "Yes you are. End of discussion." The underline growl in his voice was clear as well as the finality in his words.
I sat still in my chair and refused to move. It could be seen as childish, but I saw it as defiant. Take it as you will, but I'm right and I'm am not moving.
Seeing that I wasn't going to budge, Fang took action. I rolled my eyes internally because I knew Fang is just as stubborn as me. I could just tell a stalemate was brewing in the air.
Using the heel of his combat boot, he kicked the back leg of my chair, forcing me to stand clumsily. Strike three, ladies and gentlemen. Please turn off all phones and pagers because the show is about to start…
I regained my balance and grabbed his hand that was still on my shoulder, twisting it behind his back. I could feel the muscles in his arm and back flexing; the veins in his arm turning bluer and becoming more pronounced.
Reaching with his free hand, Fang reached behind himself and pinched my stomach. Even the most childish actions can be effective. Taken by surprise, I loosened my grip on Fang and backed away from his long fingers.
That's all he needed in order to swing me around with the arm I was holding so that my back was to his front. With his hand gripping my wrist, he firmly held our adjoined arms across my shoulders.
It surprised me how much fighting resembled dancing. In a sick way, they were the same thing. Two people using their bodies in the most graceful fashion. However, I was never one to follow and I'm not about to let Fang lead.
I turned my head to the side and spoke lowly so only Fang to hear me, "I could easily elbow you in the face, heel you in the groin, or flip you over my head. Take your pick."
"Do it, I dare you," he growled back, his face inches from mine.
I narrowed my eyes at him as adrenaline slowly started to course through my veins. Don't get me wrong, I thought about letting my instincts take over and fight Fang till he's unconscious on the ground, but part of me couldn't do it.
I hated myself for not wanting to just bury Fang. Bury him so far into the ground for making me feel this way. He made me angry, depressed, frustrated, and lonely. Although that is true, he also makes me feel important, loved, cared about, and desired. I miss the feeling of knowing that I was on his mind. The feeling that I was the first and last thing he thought of when waking up and going to bed. I miss feeling like I was the only person that mattered to him.
If I was being honest with myself, I just missed him. All of him.
I don't know who loosened their grip first, but the next thing I know, I am striding out of the mess hall. I could feel the stares of every pair of eyes in the room set on me, but I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about much these days and especially now. All I needed was space from Fang and even from my friends.
It was all too much…
The heat of his stare burned more than the rest and I could still feel that heat as I stormed out of the mesh hall. Gathering up my hair in one hand, I used the other to grab the ponytail on my wrist and wrap it around my gathered hair.
Forcefully pushing through the heavy double doors, I was assaulted with cold air and a sprinkle of water on my face. The grey clouds covered the sky and the sheeting rain was coming down with no sign of stopping. My running tank top and running shorts did nothing to protect me from the stinging rain, but I welcome any kind of feeling at this point.
I had taken three steps into the rain before I heard the doors open and close again behind me. I was about to take off running when I felt something warm being draped over my bare shoulders.
Without turning, I stubbornly grabbed the piece of clothing and pulled it to the ground before I actually took off running.
"Max!" his voice shouted, but I could barely hear him through both the rain and the thud of my own heart beat in my ears.
My legs moved on their own accord. Effectively blocking out his voice, I focused more on my strides and the contraction of all my muscles as I sliced through the rain. I would have ignored him to my heart's content if he didn't run up behind me and wrap his fingers right above my elbow, bringing me to a halt.
"What are you doing?" I yelled right as his hand made contact with my arm. My voice was one of outrage and surprise even though I knew he would try to stop me.
"Coming after you," he replied simply.
I heard the double meaning in his voice, but refused to acknowledge its presence. He can't be coming after me to mend the break between us. Can he?
No, I told myself sternly. He did this to you and you are not going back because he says he's sorry.
All the pent up frustration I was holding back, all the things I wanted to say, and all the anger I was feeling just burst the moment he turned me to face him more fully, "I don't need you Fang. I've been doing fine without you so far, haven't I?" I screamed over the rain as I wretched my arm free from him.
"Dammit Max, let go of your pride. Just because you're mad doesn't mean you should make yourself sick," he yelled just as forcefully; holding his soaked jacket in his hand.
Fang looked down at his jacket, a slight frown gracing his lips. He watched as water trickled out of the sleeves, making the jacket now look two shades darker than it really was. Figuring it would be counterproductive, he tossed the jacket off to the side and turned back to me.
Water was dripping down his face in streams as he glared down at me. I would have been entranced by the drops of water streaming down the tips of his hair and across his lips, but my anger made it easy to stay focused.
"I can take care of myself," I screamed as I pointed to my chest to emphasize my point. "I don't need you or anyone else. I am done with everyone thinking that I need to be contained and giving me the run around. No one is as they seem. Everyone pretends to be the person they think they should be and no one is left to be who they really are. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it."
Fang's hands pulled at his hair as he turned his body abruptly to the side so he wouldn't have to look at me. I could tell that a look of utter exasperation was painted on his face even from the side. Frustration was radiating off his body in waves and hitting me, but I couldn't really explain how I could feel it.
I waited patiently as he continued to stare at nothing and shake his head slightly as he contemplated some unknown thoughts in his head. I debated whether to just leave him there and take off running again. I doubt he would've noticed, much less cared, but there was something about the look on his face that grounded me where I stood.
Suddenly, Fang turned towards me again, dropped his hands from his hair and thrust them out in front of me. "You have no idea Max. You say you don't need anyone, but you are so oblivious to all the potential people you can lose. The worse part? You don't even care. You say that people aren't who they appear to be, but you're just like the rest of them. You hide behind the tough, badass façade of yours, but you're just trying to hide the fact that you're afraid! You have everything right in front of you, but you're too afraid of losing it all just like you lost Ari."
To say the least, I snapped. How dare he bring up my past that I shared with him in confidence! I poked Fang in the chest and forced him back a step, "You have no idea, Fang. I've lost everything before and I know I can do it all over again. You think I'm afraid? Well I think you're full of shit. In the end they're just assumptions. I am not afraid, I just don't want to drag anyone else into my messed up life. I would never wish my life upon anyone else. Regardless of what you think, you can't do it all and you can't fix everyone. Some people are beyond being saved."
Fang let out a bitter laugh, "Beyond being saved?" he asked dubiously. "I think you just don't want to be saved Max."
My mouth open slightly, but no words came out. My moment of hesitation was all Fang needed. He knew that what he said hit close to home. He knew he was right, but too bad my pride and my ego are just too great to undergo any of his idiotic treatment.
I poked him another time and again forced him back a step. "I can save myself. I did it before and I'll be damned if I can't do it again," I said through gritted teeth.
Fang looked down at me as I looked up at him. Water would have been pouring into my eyes if Fang's hunched figure wasn't protecting me from the downpour. The feeling of his closeness was familiar and comforting, but in the heat of the moment, all those familiar feelings seemed to fall to the ground like the rain.
"Stop playing the martyr and open your big brown eyes," Fang demanded as he yelled over the rain, the veins in his neck slightly popping out against his smooth skin. "You have friends who would bend over backwards just for you, so don't even dare write them off as some insignificant chapter in your life."
Is that what he thinks I'm playing at? He thinks I want peoples' pity? Well, I guess he didn't know me at all, I thought bitterly to myself.
"Don't you talk about my friends like you know them. I know very well what they would do for me and I would do the same, but they are not safe. No one is safe near me and those who are safe, couldn't care less what happens to me," I yelled back.
I looked straight into his dark eyes, daring him to say or do anything to push me over the edge; daring him to say anything else about my friends or Ari again. He just stood there dead silent. His eyes flickered between my two eyes as if he was searching for something. He doesn't know me at all, I thought to myself again.
That conclusion, although I hate to admit it, crushed me. I tried telling myself that the water in my eyes was in fact the rain and not tears. I set my face in a fearless expression and looked straight into the eyes I use to wake up to, "I don't need anybody and I certainly don't need you." The coldness in my voice even gave me chills, but the strength and conviction behind my words was almost tangible.
Fang's face was one of complete shock before it flashed to pain, then to his stone hard mask. I don't know which expression hurt the most.
We were both speechless as we stood in the rain, drowning. Or, at least it felt that way.
"You don't need me, Max?" Fang asked quietly. His face portrayed nothing to me; not even a hint of curiosity.
My throat threatened to close, but I willed it to stay clear as I replied, "No," in the strongest voice I could muster.
Fang's brows furrowed slightly as he inched impossibly closer to me. His body is radiating onto me and sending more chills down my spine. By the look in his eyes, I could tell he was determined to call my bluff. His warm breath assaulted my face when he asked, "Do you want me, Max?"
Aaaaand that was it. My throat closed and my hands itched to touch him. He found my weakness before I even knew about it. Truth is, I do want Fang. Not just in some sexual way though. I wanted him in my life. I wanted to bring him home to my mom to have dinner and to listen to all her crazy animal stories that she's strangely proud of. I want to be able to kiss him in public without having to worry about anyone seeing. Most of all, I just wanted to call him mine because I was, and always will be, his.
I looked into Fangs eyes, but there was no indication of whether he was just egging me on or if he was searching for a deeper meaning. He just stood there, not even flinching when thunder sounded and shook the ground beneath us.
Biting my lip, I was at a loss. No longer did my anger fuel the adrenaline in my veins. Now, I was just confused and desperate. Desperate to understand what was going on and desperate for things to go back to the way they were. However, I was just as equally desperate to fool Fang into thinking I didn't want him.
Ever so slowly, Fang raised his hand to my face and rested his palm on my cheek. The simple touch of his hand warmed my whole body in an instant. He studied my face as if to ask permission to leave his hand there.
He must have found what he was looking for because then he stepped closer to me. Without my knowledge, my hands went up and gently rested on Fang's chest. His shirt was soaked through and through so that even the smallest of muscle contractions could be felt under my hands. As his other arm wrapped around my waist, I felt myself grow impossibly warmer.
Gently, he dragged his thumb across my bottom lip so that I would stop unconsciously biting it. "Say it," Fang whispered, his eyes flickering to my lips before returning back to my eyes. "Say you want me in your life." His voice was tittering on the edge of sounding like a plea. It almost sounded like he needed me to admit to him that I wanted him in my life in order for him to live another day.
My mouth opened, but slowly closed when I thought of why we were here in the first place. "Fang, you can't just decide on your own when we can be together and when we can't. Just a few days ago, you were strictly business without so much as an explanation. You were cold," my body involuntarily shivered as if to prove my point. "Now you want 'us' to be together again out of the blue without any reason. You can't do that and I won't let you," my eyes narrowed to show my seriousness, but it did not hold any of the anger I felt from earlier.
"Max," Fang said desperately, "I'm miserable. I can't explain now, but give me time. I want to figure everything out with you and I know that some of the things I have to tell you will make you angry, but I have to risk it. I have to risk it because…because Max I want you. I want the feeling of you in my arms to never go away because this," his arms constricted slightly to emphasize his point, "is when I'm happiest."
More tears threaten to spill over, but I doubt Fang would be able to decipher the tears from the rain. My mind was spinning and I didn't know what to do. I refused to be just another girl who will forget everything that has hurt her and run into the arms of the inflictor.
No, I decided. That is not me, nor will it ever be.
Fang dropped his head and took in a very shaky breath before looking up at me again; never taking his hands away from my body. His brows furrowed as he contemplated what to do and what to say next. His eyes looked darker than ever, but there was still a certain gentleness to it.
My fingers inched to trace the lines under his eyes. For the first time in the last couple of days, I was worried about him. I worried that he wasn't getting any sleep and about that maybe he'll be the one to get sick out here.
Man, do I care about this boy right in front of me.
He looked at me expectantly, but I didn't know what he wanted from me. I can't just forgive him because that would be too easy on him. I can't deny that some sick and twisted side of me wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to know how it feels to have something right in front of you, but have no control over it. I wanted him to feel pain, but not know what to do to make it stop. I wanted him to know how I felt.
"Max…" he whispered.
My mouth opened slightly, but the thoughts just kept on piling in.
He could do this to us again; do this to me again. I don't know if I can trust him or the words that are coming out of his mouth. It's so easy for him to switch off his feelings, so what's keeping him from doing it again in the future? Are we just two lonely people who are just using each other? What if he just needs me so that he can feel emotions again? Feel the adrenaline of being with someone who cared about him, but forbidden to be with? I need him because I craved the love that he gave to me when I was deprived of it since I was younger.
We're both being selfish, but am I being more selfish from keeping all these thoughts in my head from him?
I'm protecting myself, I decided.
"Max, look at me," Fang said gently as he used two of his fingers to tilt my chin up. "Tell me what you are thinking."
I bit my lip and began to shake my head when Fang shook his head in return. "No, don't do this. I can see in your eyes that you are psyching yourself out right now." His eyes flashed with something, but I didn't know what it was. Desperation? Understanding? Love?
"Let me help," he said patiently while he stroked my chin lightly.
For some reason, that was my undoing. All of a sudden all the thoughts in my head came rolling out like an avalanche that cannot stop. You just have to ride it out and hope in the end that there aren't too many casualties hidden within the snow. Everything has to be uncovered…eventually.
I pulled away from him slightly, his arm still around my waist and my hands on his chest. I tried to read his face as the truth poured out, "I don't know if I can trust you Fang. I don't know if I even want to trust you again. You just… you have this ability to abruptly switch off your feelings and I can't do that. You say you were miserable, but I don't believe that you were. Why would you do this to us if all that came out of it was your own misery? It doesn't make sense to me…" I swiftly turned my head; I couldn't look at him as I remembered the cold, desolate look he gave for the past three days.
Goosebumps were appearing on my skin, but I went on with my rant. I willed myself to turn my head towards Fang and continued, "I can't be looking over my shoulder all the time and waiting for the moment when you realize that I'm not worth it. Or the moment when you realize you should've stuck with the arrangement we have now. We are only in this mess because we are just two egotistical people who needed some emotional purpose and we found that in each other. What we were feeling was new and different, but it wasn't…" I trailed off, shaking my head again as I looked into Fang's eyes.
"Real," Fang whispered. I wasn't sure I heard him over the rain, but the look on his face said it all. His brows pulled together as if in pain and his lips pursed slightly in thought. We both knew that was the word I was looking for, but saying it out loud made it seem harsh.
I took a step farther away from Fang as it all came crashing down. One wave after the other started to convince me that we were naïve to think this…"us"…could work out. Both our arms hung limply at our sides as we stared at one another like we were strangers. I hated it.
"You can't just expect me to forgive you and let you back in again. You think you were miserable? I spent my whole life coping with my own father being a psycho scientist who is out to get me and my brother's blood on my hands. It should have been easy to cope with you being a total shithead, but it wasn't. So just saying that you want me in your arms and not expecting any consequences isn't how it's going to work, Fang." I'm breathing heavily, but I just stare at Fang. I wait for his move now and just hope that pouring out my heart was the right move.
A part of me silently begged Fang to say or do anything. I wanted him to tell me that I was wrong about the whole thing and that he'll stay. Oh God, I want him to say he'll stay, but the look on his face was unreadable. I couldn't tell if he agreed, if he was thinking over every word I said, or if he's like me and sees that this was the beginning of the end.
I studied Fang's face as he stood there, speechless. His eyes blank and his face clear of emotions. Suddenly thunder sounded again; making both Fang and I flinch this time.
In that moment, it felt like it was over. Like that thunder was the Universe's sick way of sealing the deal. I got a sick feeling in my stomach as the reality hit me with a force that I was not expecting. My chest grew tight, and suddenly it was becoming harder to breathe.
It's finally over, I thought. We're over.
I couldn't take it anymore. This whole scene, this feeling, and the look on Fang's face. It is all way too much to handle.
Taking a shaking breath, I turned and ran.
My legs were shaky, but I forced the tingling sensation down as my feet continued to pound on the soft earth. My heart was beating painfully against my chest as I sliced through the rain as if it were a curtain. I barely ran the one hundred yards to my dorm before I was gasping for air.
I burst through the door and almost collapsed on the floor out of exhaustion. Like a reflex, my arm reached out to steady myself on the wall and I was able to regain my balance. Thankfully the hall was empty because everyone was still in the mess hall. The sounds of my gasping breathes filled the empty halls; the noise bouncing off the walls and coming back to my ears as if to mock me.
There was no denying I was mentally and physically exhausted. After what happened in mere minutes, I suddenly felt like a nap was much need; preferably one that lasted for days without interruption. With my hand still on the wall, I hunched over and tried to catch my breath and slow down my heart rate.
Deep breath in, exhale out, I instructed myself.
Five minutes later, I was able to stand without feeling like I had to puke. With my back fully pressed against the wall, I was able to relax easier. I let my head fall gently back against the wall and closed my eyes.
I don't think I could really say what I was feeling. I was feeling so much that it felt like…numbness, but not the kind of numbness I have felt before. Is it even numbness when you still feel like there is something else aching?
It's times like these when I wish I had someone to tell me that I did the right thing. I need someone to just pat me on the back and say that that was the right decision. Too bad it's never that simple. There's too many grey areas when all you want is a 'yes' or a 'no'.
Life is not that simple. Fang isn't simple…
BAM!
Without any warning, my thoughts were cut off just as the heavy double doors burst opened to reveal a dark shadowy figure looming in the doorway.
"Hello?" I called to the figure. I was surprised when my voice rang out clear and strong despite the contradicting feelings raging in me.
The figure took one step inside; still concealed by the shadows. Suddenly, lightning stuck to illuminate the face of the figure…
Reviews are appreciated, as always. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their summer or for those who have started school already…my condolences.
PEACE OUT!