"My tummy is sore." I whine quietly. I don't want to wake Mommy, but it hurts. I wish I had never eaten that dead bird. It has made me feel very poorly. I am hungry too. But I don't want to eat, because I don't feel well. If I ate real food, I think it would make my tummy worse. I am also cold. Even though I am curled up under Mommy's pajama top again, it still is not warm, and I still shiver a little bit. It almost reminds me of being on the street. Cold and hungry. But not alone or afraid. As long as I have Mommy, she will take care of me, and I will not be scared. I do wonder sometimes how I first got left on the street. 'Abandoned'. That's what Mommy had said on the phone, and to the vet. Is that what happened? Did Mommy really not want me? Did she leave me in that cardboard box in the alley? Was she sad that I came back and she had to take care of me again? "No." I tell myself. "Mommy would never do that, and she was very happy that I found her again. She said so. It must just be a misunderstanding." I think and think, but I can't remember very clearly what it was like before I was left on the street. I was on the street for quite a long time, and I was just a very young puppy when I got left there. But I think I do remember Mommy feeding me with milk before I got left in the alley. I do remember that. Milk was very nice, and it wasn't like real food. I didn't have to chew it. It was like my water, but it gave me strength and energy, like food. I wish I still had milk to drink now. I move closer to Mommy's feeders. Those are what she used to feed me when I was a very new puppy. I'm not sure Mommy would have any milk left to give me, now that I am an older puppy, and my puppy teeth might make her feeders sore. I didn't have any teeth when Mommy would feed me milk. But I could try and be very gentle. I could pretend I am still a baby puppy, and make sure not to use my teeth. I wouldn't want to hurt Mommy.
"This is a good idea." I tell myself, and I latch onto one of Mommy's feeders. "I just hope Mommy still has enough milk to feed me." It has of course been quite a long time since Mommy has fed me milk. I suckle on the feeder like I used to, and I make a very high-pitched squeaky whimper, like a baby puppy would. I almost sound like my chew toy did before Mommy broke it. But no milk comes out. I whine quietly. I really need milk right now, because my tummy is too sore for real food. I try the other feeder. They can't both be out of milk. But then something terrible happens. Mommy starts to roll over, onto her belly. I try to get out of the way, but suddenly my back paws are trapped under Mommy. It is one of my worst nightmares of all. Being squashed into mush. I feel Mommy's whole weight shift on top of me, and I feel myself starting to squish. I am terrified. "Please, Mommy! No!" I try to bark. But I can't, because my mouth is still full of feeder. I need to do something, or I will be flattened mush.
"Ahhhh!" Mommy screams in pain, springing upright. I tumble down, out of her pajama top and land back on the bed. Mommy glares straight at me. Her eyes are full of tears, and she looks very angry. But she just freezes. She stares at me for a few seconds, and then lies down again, facing away from me.
"I'm sorry." I whine, sniffing around Mommy's head. "I didn't want to. Honest. I would never bite you on purpose, Mommy. But I was being crushed. I needed to warn you, or I would have been flattened." But Mommy doesn't answer. "Please. Forgive me for biting you. Do you forgive me?" I nudge into Mommy again, but she doesn't seem to notice. I don't think she wants to talk to me after I bit her feeder. I continue to whine, softly until I fall asleep.
I am having a nightmare. I hate it and I wish I could wake up, and be back in my home with Mommy. But instead I am dreaming that I am going for a walk in the park, except Mommy is giant, and the horrible bulldog who took my toy is giant too, and he's following me and wants to eat me up. But I am still small puppy.
"No running ahead." Mommy says. "You have to walk at my pace."
"But that dog is going to eat me!" I whine, frantically trying to get away. But Mommy doesn't notice. She just keeps walking at the same speed, as the bulldog gets closer and closer.
"At my pace." She repeats. "You have to follow the rules." Suddenly the leash starts getting shorter and shorter, and I get pulled closer and closer to the giant bulldog.
"Please, Mommy!" I cry. "You have to let me go or he's going to eat me!" But it's no good. She won't let me go, and her steps become slower and heavier. Suddenly the bulldog is right behind me and grabs me in his jaws.
"Look, you've made a friend." Mommy smiles. She doesn't understand how evil this dog is.
"Help! Please he's eating me!" I try to scream, but I can't. Instead I just squeak like a chew toy as he chews me.
"You have to learn to share, Black Hayate." Mommy scolds, pointing at me. "You're just being greedy."
"No, please. It's not a game. He's not playing. He's going to eat me up and then I'm going to be all gone!" I plead. But again, only squeaks come out. It is like I am an actual chew toy, like my yellow bone.
He is just about to eat me when Mommy grabs me out of his jaws. She holds me in between her finger and thumb, since I am so tiny in this nightmare. "Such a crybaby, and not good around other dogs." Mommy says. "I am not pleased, Hayate. "You have behavioural problems, and you're taking up enough of my time as it is. So I guess there's only one thing for it." Mommy shrugs, dropping me back into the cardboard box I was left in, and closing over the top.
"No! Please! Anything but that!" I beg. But Mommy doesn't answer. The box is shut, and it's gone completely dark, and since I'm tiny, there is no way I can climb out. "Don't leave me back in the alley!" I cry my loudest, hoping Mommy will change her mind. "I will be a good dog, all the time. I promise. I can't go back to the street. Please don't." I cry and cry, as I hear the car engine start. I am terrified of being left on the street in a cardboard box again. But I push with all my might and tip the box over.
Suddenly. I am back in the kitchen in our home. Mommy is sitting at the table, and Daddy is there too. He has cooked dinner for us.
"Mommy!" I say, running over to Mommy. She is normal sized again. "Am I awake?" I ask. But she doesn't hear. Not even like usual not hearing. She doesn't even seem to notice I am here this time. "Please, Mommy. It's me, Black Hayate. Your boy." I explain. But it's like she doesn't know I'm here. I try and put my paws against her leg, but it's like she can't feel them either. Then I look at my paws. They are sort of see through. It is like I am a little ghost puppy. I must still be having my nightmare. I try to close my eyes, but I can still see through them.
"There. All ready." Daddy says, setting a tray with a roast on it on the table.
"Thank you so much for cooking dinner, Colonel." Mommy says. "It smells delicious. What are we having again?"
"Why Black Hayate of course." Daddy laughs. I gasp. I am horrified. Is this why I am a ghost puppy? Am I dead? Are they really going to eat me now that I am?
Mommy laughs now too. "I was wondering where he had gone."
"Well at least this way he can't bother you when we're trying to eat." Daddy says, smiling and getting the carving knife.
"What a nice change it will be to have a meal without being bothered by that silly dog." Mommy says. It makes me whimper so much. I can't help it. Even if it's not real, it's too horrible to be talked about this way by my own parents. "He really was a greedy little pest. I'm glad we finally found a use for him, and not without a dash of poetic justice."
"Well, he wasn't good for anything else, and he never seemed to learn. So I thought 'what's the harm'?" Daddy says. "Dinner is served."
They begin eating the roast. I try not to watch, but I can't cover my eyes, and when I try to look away the room seems to turn with me. "No, please stop!" I whine. "Don't eat me. I'm going to be all gone! Then there won't be any of me left." I protest. But they quickly eat the entire roast. They look like monsters when they are eating. Mommy usually uses a knife and fork, but now she and Daddy are just tearing the roast apart and eating it with their hands and teeth. I know it's not real. My Mommy is not ever noisy or messy like that when she eats. But it's still horrible, because it looks real and it makes me very upset. They make snarling noises and chew loudly in this nightmare, like big, scary dogs. In only a few seconds, probably less than one minute they have finished. They have eaten the whole roast. All of me is gone, and now there are just my bones left.
"I think I'll miss having a dog in some ways." Mommy says, wiping her chin with a napkin. Mommy and Daddy both have quite a lot of food on their faces because of how messy and quickly they ate me.
"Why?" Daddy chuckles. "I thought you hated Black Hayate."
"Oh, I did. I really, really hated him." Mommy replies.
"Stop! Please, don't say that." I beg. But they can't see me or hear me. "I try to be good. Honest, I do."
"Don't get me wrong. I'm very glad we've eaten him. He made a much better roast than he did a dog. But I got used to him being there. I was accustomed to hating him every day. Even though it's a relief to finally be rid of that rotten crybaby, it will be hard to get used to not having a pet." Mommy giggles.
"That's ok." Daddy smiles. "That's why I got you this new dog." He says. Suddenly the horrible bulldog from the park comes into the kitchen. "This is Bruce." Daddy introduces.
"Oh yes. I do like him. Thank you, Colonel." Mommy says.
"Do you prefer him to your last dog?" Daddy asks.
"Who? Black Hayate?" Mommy asks. "Definitely. Black Hayate was pathetic and useless. That time he pooped behind the curtains, I wasn't sure whether to clean up the mess and keep Hayate or keep the poop and throw him away instead." Mommy laughs.
"No! I didn't mean to. I didn't know I was being bad." I cry.
"The poop would have cried less, and wouldn't have ruined the cushions." Daddy laughs, very loudly now.
"It probably even would have smelled better too. Your bath didn't do any good, Colonel." Mommy now laughs, falling off her chair she laughs so much.
"Don't blame me." Daddy shrugs. "I told you he was a stinky dog. All the shampoo in the world wouldn't have made a difference. The street was the best place for him. Except for our stomachs, that is." They both roll around on the floor, hitting the ground and laughing very hard. "But this dog is much more obedient and smart, and he never stinks. All Hayate was good for was a meal for two, and even then, he was so small that he barely even did that." Both of them laugh and laugh. It is so loud. The loudest thing that I have ever heard. I try to cover my ears, but it doesn't help. I still hear it a lot.
"Just the bones left, Colonel." Mommy says. "I would eat those too. But I'm already full. Do you want them?"
"No. I've had my share of Hayate. The funny part is Hayate would probably be whining for them himself if he were here." Daddy laughs. "He did love bones."
"He loved whining too. Every day. 'wah, wah, wah'. That's all I heard. Do you remember when you promised him you'd get him a real bone of his own?"
"I did say that didn't I. Like you could ever trust a whimpering flea bag like that with a bone for a real dog. Come to think of it, that's just what we'll do. Bruce can have the bones." Daddy says. I watch on in terror, unable to speak as Daddy sets my bones down on the floor beside the horrible bulldog. He pets him while he chews on my bones. "Good boy. That's why I didn't like coming by here very often when you had that little rodent. But now that he's out of the way, I'll gladly come and visit you and Bruce. Bruce is my boy, and a happy family we'll be at last."
"No! I'm your boy! I am! Not him!" I scream, flailing. This is by far the most upset I have ever been. Even if it's not real, what if it's all true. What if Mommy hates me and wants to get rid of me? What if that's the reason Daddy wasn't to live here with us? What if I do smell bad and I'm as useless as poop?
But suddenly, the horrible scene fades, and I start to wake up.
"You're fine." Mommy reassures me, looking fuzzy as my eyes adjust to the light. "It's ok. You were just having a nightmare. It's probably because you aren't feeling well." I am in Mommy's arms. She is carrying me and pacing the kitchen floor. Part of me is very angry at Mommy for being so horrible in my dream and eating me. Even though I know it's not real, I'm afraid parts of it might be true. I whimper. I don't want to look like a crybaby. I know Mommy doesn't like that. But I'm really scared and confused. "Don't be afraid. You're safe." Mommy smiles. "If there's one thing I never want you to be in your home it's afraid. I won't let anything bad happen to you."
"You aren't mad that I am keeping you awake?" I ask. "But you have your human walk in the morning. You will be tired. And aren't you mad at me because I bit your feeder? I'm sorry if I hurt you by biting you."
"Just try and go back to sleep. You're not well. You need to get your rest to get better. You'll feel better very soon, I promise." Mommy says.
"No. Scared." I whine. "I will have more nightmares and they will frighten me."
"I've got you. You're safe. There's nothing to be afraid of. I would never let anything happen to you because…" Mommy pauses. She smiles, but she also looks sort of sad. "Because you're probably the only baby I'm ever going to have." I'm not sure I understand. I thought maybe Mommy and Daddy would have more puppies someday. "You're my boy. I'm very proud of you, and I love you very much."
"Proud?" I ask. "So I do make you proud? And Daddy as well?" I don't know how Mommy knew that's what I needed to hear. It is the only thing that would be able to help me sleep. "I love you too, Mommy." I say, closing my eyes again.