I'm sorry. It's been ages as per usual. I think the problem is that this chapter has been really boring for me to write so I just kept putting it off... but I finally have it! Considering this has been 5 months in writing, I'm really not happy and everything seems so awful with this chapter but I don't think I ever will be happy with it so I'm sorry, but this is all I have.

I don't know if anyone is still reading this, it's been 2 years since I first started this and the time between updates is getting longer and longer (hopefully that will change but I can't promise anything), but if anyone actually is still reading this, I hope you enjoy!

Also, the girl Ethan was treating was originally called Connie, but it had completely slipped my mind when coming up with a character name that Connie Beauchamp existed, so for the sake of it not being confusing, I've changed the girl's name from Connie to Allie.

Shattered: Chapter 20

"A broken heart bleeds tears." ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Ethan thanked Jeff and Dixie as they left Allie with him. "Hello, Allie. I'm Dr Hardy - but you can call me, Ethan. If you would just like to sit on the bed please, and I'll have a look at you."

Ethan watched as Allie sat on the bed just Lofty entered the cubicle to help him out. "Ah, Lofty. This is Allie, 15. She has a head laceration and a suspected sprained wrist after being pushed into a wall and thrown to the ground."

Lofty smiled at Allie, "I'm Lofty, one of the nurses. Excuse the nickname," he said when Allie grinned, "it just sort of stuck when I got here."

Ethan took Allie's wrist in his hand, being as careful as he could and apologising when he hissed in pain."So where were you when this happened? What did you fall on?"

"School. I fell on Tarmac."

"It's Sunday, what were you doing in school?" Lofty asked.

"Cross country practice," she said as if it were obvious. "There's a race next week, I've got to be prepared."

"I used to do cross country," Lofty said, making light conversation as Ethan carefully put down her wrist and went to examine the cut on her head.

Ethan turned his head to the side. "Really?"

"Not that I was any good," he laughed.

Allie snapped her head away from Ethan when he touched a particularly tender part. "When can I go?"

"Not quite yet, I'm afraid. We have to get you checked out and make sure you're okay," Ethan told her, and Allie slumped back against the bed. "Is there a parent or guardian we can call for you?"

"No."

Lofty glanced at Ethan. "No-one? Dad? Mum? ...Aunt?"

Allie shook her head and looked away. "My Dad's working."

"What about your Mum?" Ethan asked, picking up Allie's notes and recording her pulse.

"Step-Mum. And she's away."

Ethan nodded. "Right. I'm afraid we have to call someone, you're only 15. Are there no other people we can call? I'm sure your Dad won't mind being disturbed… his daughter is in a hospital."

"You can't ring him!" she said frantically.

Ethan and Lofty said no more on the matter and continued treating her.

The cut on her head was superficial as far as Ethan could tell, and Lofty had finally found an x-ray slot for Allie. As Max took her out of the cubicle, Lofty turned to Ethan.

"Do we call the Dad?"

"She's 15, we have to call someone. I'm thinking yes. At least to assess their home situation better, she won't tell us why she doesn't want her Dad called."

Lofty nodded and walked out of the cubicle, leaving Ethan to wonder whether he made the right call.

"You've called me away from work because of a cut on her head?" Allie's father exclaimed.

Ethan had been practically battling this man ever since he'd arrived. He'd shown an ounce of sympathy for his daughter but once learning of her condition had blown up at Ethan, accusing him of ruining his day.

"With all due respect, Mr Evans, your daughter could have been very seriously injured."

"But she wasn't!" He took a deep breath and released it in a long sigh, his hand grasping the back of his neck. "Look, I'm sorry. Things are just… piling up, and this is just another thing I don't need right now."

"Mr Evans, you need to be with your daughter. She has been injured and it could have been a lot worse."

He didn't say anymore, just walked towards Allie. Ethan watched him go, wondering what he meant.

But he had no time to deliberate because Lofty darted up to him, pulling him from his thoughts. "Ethan, you're needed in resus," he said.

The panicked tone from Lofty startled him somewhat and he followed swiftly, straight to resus behind Lofty.

Oh no. Please no. Before him lay a man. He couldn't estimate the age nor see his face through all the blood, and the long and drawn out sound from the monitor seemed to echo all around his head. He had never seen this man before (at least he didn't think so) but he didn't need telling of what was expected to happen. Ethan to save his life.

His mind was too busy while Charlie was updating him (though he vaguely took in that this was Cal's patient but Cal had disappeared) and he acted on instinct rather than on the information he was given.

His hands shook as he worked, the longer it took for him to revive this man the more he doubted his ability. His mind wandered to Allie for a moment, and while he knew she was okay and was just in the ED for observation now, there was still a niggling feeling in his mind that he had missed something.

Then again, he probably had missed something. He always misses something.

Then the noise beside him seemed to invade his thoughts and he glanced at the monitor. He stepped away from the man in front of him, his own gloved hands bloody. Despite opening him up, Ethan knew there was no hope.

He recited the time of death without feeling, his body filled with numbness. He may not have left this patient like his brother did - and where was Cal? -, but he certainly didn't save him like he was supposed to.

He discarded the bloody apron and gloves without much thought and ignored the calls of his name as he exited resus, focused on getting out of there so his foggy brain had time to think.

He rubbed at his forehead and stared into his cold and untouched coffee. It wasn't his break yet - it wasn't his break for another half an hour, but he was so tired. Occasionally, now in the silence of the staffroom, he would remember Ella's haunting voice. Screaming at him. Blaming him. And yes, he knew she was right, but it hurt to remember, hurt to hear it replayed in his own head. Then, even more haunting, he remembered Ash's face. Grinning at him while they worked together. He remembered how kind Ash had been to him on his first day in the ED. How kind he had been when he learnt of Ethan's mother's death. He offered his support, he suggested he go home early (to which Zoe agreed) and then he'd offered a listening ear should he ever need it.

But now he will never listen to anyone ever again because he's dead and Ethan killed him.

"You know Lofty's looking for you?" Cal asked cheerfully as he entered the staff room.

"What?" Ethan said, only catching the last part of Cal's question.

He stepped round to the front of Ethan, peering at his face. "You okay, bro? You look a little... pale."

Ethan sat up straighter and plastered a smile on his face. "Yes, I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

Cal shrugged and dropped the subject, grabbing an apple and taking a big bite out of it. With his mouth full of food he said, "Lofty's looking for you," spraying little pieces of apple in the process.

"Caleb, that's disgusting. And I didn't catch that, what did you say?"

Cal chuckled. "I said -" he swallowed audibly - "Lofty's looking for you."

"Right, thanks." Ethan discarded his coffee in the sink and carelessly left the mug on the side, uncaring of his usual etiquette of washing it, before making to walk out. "Oh and Caleb, where exactly were you when your patient - Mr Douek if I recall - was dying?"

He didn't wait for an answer and walked out.

"Lof -"

"Ethan, thank God. Allie's gone."

It took a moment to register in Ethan's slow brain what exactly Lofty had said to him. But as soon as he did he started to worry. "W-what do you mean, gone? She's has a head injury. She's supposed to be under observation!"

"Yes, I know. I tried explaining that to her Dad because he wanted her discharged and he wouldn't listen - something about his business and how he had to get back to work - but then I was called away and I went back and they were gone!"

Ethan took a deep breath, scanning around cubicles for a moment. "Okay, okay. Her head injury isn't severe so that's not a problem, so let's not panic." (Though Ethan was very much panicking, after all, head injuries can change in seconds.) "Have you checked outside?"

"I didn't see them. They could have already left or they could still be in the hospital."

At the prospect of a 15-year-old with a head injury who might have already left the hospital, Ethan's panicking manifested into whole-body shaking. "We need to find her. Now."

"I was on the phone to Aero. You know, my girlfriend. Owen had fallen and she'd become worried. So I was on the phone to her."

Ethan had run outside to see if he could see Allie and her father when Cal had stridden up to him indignantly and just started to talk at - rather than to - him.

"Caleb, I don't have time for this."

"No, no. I'm sorry that I was comforting my distressed girlfriend after her brother - who was seriously injured two weeks ago - called instead of saving a man's life who's chances of survival were less than 1 percent!" Cal's face was turning red as he spoke, but Ethan found that for once, he couldn't be bothered with Cal and how he was speaking.

"Can we talk about this later?" He sighed. "I need to find a -" Ethan could feel the colour drain from his face, he didn't need Cal to point it out like he did. His eyes strayed to a man calling for help. A man he knew as Allie's father. And next to him, a young girl. Seizing on the ground.

Ethan took some shaky breaths in and out, trying to control his emotions. He couldn't walk into the relative's room and tell Allie's father when he himself was not in the best shape. He stared at the teenager on the bed, mentally shouting at himself for not spotting it. He didn't spot the bleed. He didn't spot it and it grew and grew and became a child on a bed on life support. That poor kid...

No. He couldn't think about that. There was a distressed father in the relatives room right now and he needed to know what was going on. He nodded at Cal, making sure he had everything covered, before making the long and painful journey to where Mr Evans would be.

He shut his eyes, breathed in deeply through his nose, and let it out through his mouth as he entered the relatives room. The man in there was silently crying, and although his tears continued his sobs did not as he saw Ethan. He stood up immediately, but obediently sat again as Ethan motioned him too, Ethan sitting opposite him.

Slowly and carefully, mindful of how he was phrasing things, Ethan relayed Allie's condition. Constantly slipping in apologies while he did and stopping himself at the last minute for saying he could make a complaint of negligence against Ethan. Because while he was negligent, it wouldn't help the father of a daughter with a slim chance of survival.

"I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear," he rushed out. "My business is failing and we haven't got enough money. Her mother died two years ago and we've been having arguments and her and her step-mum don't get along anymore and this bullying... and I didn't mean for this to happen but I couldn't leave the business, I thought she'd be okay because she was okay but now... now, what am I going to do? I can't lose her as well, I can't!"

As he started to cry loudly, it was enough that Ethan could take. He'd reached his limit and against his better judgement, he darted from the room, bumping into Mrs Beauchamp on the way. "I'm sorry," he ground out, head down to hide his tears.

"Dr Hardy?" she said, shocked. "Whatever has happened?"

Ethan considered keeping his mouth shut, but then he heard his own voice. "There's a man in the relatives room, his daughter might not survive and... and I couldn't, I mean I-"

"It's alright, Ethan. We're doctors, not supernatural beings." She paused. "Go home. Come back tomorrow, you'll feel more refreshed. I'm not blind, I know what kind of a day you've had today. It can't have been easy after all that's happened this month... go on. I'll see you tomorrow."

Ethan kept his head bowed through it all and when she finished, he mumbled a quick thanks and went to the staff room to get his clothes. He didn't bother changing out of them, he just wanted to get out of the hospital as quickly as he could. And it seemed Connie wanted him gone too. One shift and he not only let one patient die but he missed a potentially fatal head injury in a child... a child!

He knew he hid his tears well, but as soon as he was out of the ED they came fast, tumbling down his face in what seemed to be a never-ending stream.

Ethan whacked his head on the steering wheel in front of him, gripping it tightly. He was aware that his glasses had fallen off his face but he made no move to put them back on. The thought of driving home made him tire so here he was, sat crying like a baby in his car just because he'd had a bad day. And he knew he shouldn't be. The poor man from earlier who died had a family who had lost him. Parents who'd lost their son and children who'd lost their dad. Allie, a young schoolgirl attacked by bullies on an ordinary Sunday, may never wake up. Her father, already having lost his wife and whose business was failing, had a high chance of losing his only daughter.

And Ethan knew it was all his fault. Just as it was his fault that Ella lost her father.

It seemed Ethan was brilliant at ripping apart people from their loved ones, so maybe he should rip himself apart from his loved ones - from Cal. Save the damage he will do in the future. Or maybe just because he shouldn't be allowed to have something he'd taken from other people. He wasn't the person that crashed into the minibus the day Ash died, but he should have been looking where he was going. He wasn't the person who landed Cal's patient in hospital, but he was a doctor and he should have been able to save him. And he wasn't those awful children who threw Allie to the ground, but he was her doctor and he'd missed her head injury. Then he'd hidden away in the staffroom and not been where he should have been. With Allie and her father, being the man he used to be and trying to help with not just the medicine but with the people. Because Allie's family was not typical and they were struggling and all Ethan was doing was wallowing in self-pity like the horrible man he was.

And then there was his brother and his girlfriend. He had treated Owen, he had met Aero. He should be making sure Owen was okay and Cal – his brother! – was alright too.

His head met the steering wheel again but he didn't feel it through all his emotional pain.

As much as Ethan didn't want to think about it, the crying mess of a man in his car didn't deserve a family after he had destroyed so many others.