"Wait. Sam! Please don't hang up." The once bright and chipper voice pleaded into Sam's ear. Now, the voice was tired and stressed, obviously from trying to catch up with Sam for three days now. Hearing the brunette's voice in her ear, sounding so sad and desperate, gives her a queasy feeling in her stomach. She presses the red button quickly, ending the call and hoping to get rid of the bad feelings it brought up.
"Was that Carly? Did you hang up on her?" Freddie's accusing voice asks from beside Sam.
They were both at her house, eating eggs and pancakes that Freddie had fixed. It had been a week since the Carly blowup and her first AA meeting. Since then, she'd been to two more meetings and had been effectively avoiding Carly.
"Yes, I did." Sam replied nonchalantly, still eating and staring straight ahead at the TV.
"Well, why? She's your best friend. And she's trying to work this out. But you won't let her." He said, putting his plate down and looking at her intensely.
The air in the room changed, suddenly it was too thick and it was choking her. Suddenly, things were too awkward and painful for her to handle and, at that moment, she wished more than ever that she could take one swig of alcohol- just one, to take the feeling away.
"She doesn't understand." Sam said quietly, "And neither do you."
"What do you mean, Sam?" I do understa-" He started but she interrupted him.
"You don't" She said just as quietly as before. She feared if she tried to speak any louder her voice would crack and the tears she wanted so desperately to hide, would spill. "You don't understand how hard it is just to get up in the morning." She put her fork down. Her appetite had suddenly gone away. She felt like she might vomit and cry.
"Wha-"
"Everyone's always expecting so much out of me." She said strongly, suddenly just feeling the need to get the words out. The more she told, the better she felt. "Even before that stupid party and even before I started drinking."
"Everyone expects me to be so strong. But you all don't realize, I'm only one person. And it is so tiring trying to be strong. I put so much energy into being mean and protecting myself, that it drains me."
"Sam I-" Freddie tries to interrupt but she holds up a finger. "Don't talk. Just listen."
"And the night of that party..." She says in a shaky voice, "Changed everything. I never felt so weak. After that, it was hard for me just to breathe easily. And one day, I was feeling horrible. I mean... I just didn't know what to do with myself. But then I remembered."
"I remembered the party and the alcohol and I remembered how wonderful it felt sliding down my throat and how wonderful and free it made me feel..." She drifted into silence.
"You think my life is so easy." She spoke after a minute or so. "You think I'm so strong." A tear slid down her cheek and she looked away so that he wouldn't see, "But I'm not." And then tears were streaming down her face and she couldn't stop them.
"Sam... I .. I didn't know." He spoke up, figuring she was done speaking. "I just... don't cry..." He reached out for her, trying to grab her hands and rub her back, but she pulled away.
"Don't touch me." She snapped. Pulling away. She stood up and ran to the bathroom, locking herself inside. "I'll be ready in a minute."
There goes another outstretched hand, ready to help her, that she had pushed away.
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The ride to the meeting was quiet. The air in the car filled with an awkwardness that Sam didn't have the energy to break. She knew that he was waiting for her to speak, waiting for her to spill her guts and cry into her lap.
But he didn't realize that she just wasn't that kind of girl.
She isn't this girl. The girl that said all of those things to him, the girl who told her all of his secrets and let him see her cry.
She just feels so fucking stuck.
She's been so sad for so long, and she can't hold this incredible boulder of sadness inside of herself for too long. Her own anger and depression is eating her alive. And she can't take it. She can't hold it all in anymore.
And that stupid dork always manages to make it pour right out of her.
As they pull up to the building she throws her door open and uses the car to support her as she gets here crutch once he's stopped. He doesn't get out and insist on helping her like he usually does. She slams the door and starts limping toward the building without even a look behind her.
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"Sweetie, are you okay?" A voice asks from behind Sam.
She's standing around at the end of the meeting, waiting for Freddie to show up. That days meeting was boring. Eva wasn't there so she didn't have anyone to talk to.
Sam turns around to see an older woman – probably in her fifties- looking at her with a genuinely curious face.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam replies automatically.
The woman smiles knowingly, "Now that's a lie. What's your name, hon?"
"Why should I tell you?" Sam says bitterly.
"Fine," The woman smiles, "Don't tell me. My name's Gloria- and apparently your name is Sam." The woman says, looking at Sam's name tag.
Damned identification, She thinks, What's the point of these things anyway.
"Yeah yeah, well whadaya want lady?" Sam says testily, tapping her foot and narrowing her eyes, "I don't have any pepper mints."
The woman laughs, "That's not what I wanted, but if you want one then I have one." The woman opened her purse and pulled out a red and white peppermint.
Sam scoffed, "I don't want any Granny Candy."
"Just eat it." The woman commanded, "Peppermints always clear your mind. And they make your mouth taste delicious."
Sam rolled her eyes, but plucked the candy from the woman's hand and tore the wrapper off, popping it in her mouth. "There. Are you happy now?"
"Not really. I won't be happy until you tell me what's making that pretty face of yours frown."
"That's kind of creepy. But then again, you are old... Fine, you want to know what's wrong?"
The woman nodded.
"Well, let's see: My best friend is pregnant, and I just caused my other best friend to get into a car accident," She motioned to her crutches, "My mother doesn't care about me. All of my other friends don't want to hang out with me because they think I'm a psycho alcoholic... oh yeah, and I'm stuck HERE." She said angrily, motioning to all of the 'alcoholics' around her.
The woman smiled and pulled another mint out of her purse and handed it to Sam. She motioned to a few nearby chairs and Sam reluctantly took a seat.
"Young woman," She started, motioning Sam closer as if she was telling her a secret, "I would like to be your sponsor."
"What's a sponsor."
The woman laughed, "Let's just say I'm someone you can talk to. Now look, I have to go now, but I want you to take my phone number. If you ever need anyone to talk to- I'm always here."
"That sounds like something straight off of a Hallmark card. And why would I call you to talk about my problems?" Sam said rudely, biting on the mint.
"Because I'm 'old'. So I must know what I'm talking about. And, unlike your friends, I understand. I've been through all of this. You don't have to call. Just know that you can." The woman reached into her pursed and pulled out a strip of paper and a pen and wrote her phone number down. She put the pen back in her purse and set the paper- and something else- in Sam's hand, and then closed her palm.
She waved, and then walked out of the door up to a blue car with a younger woman sitting in there.
Sam opened her hand and saw the phone number- which she stuffed into her pocket, and three peppermints.
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When Freddie finally makes it there- he apologizes, saying he had a problem with a guy at the gas station- she's calmed down. She's no longer feeling awkward and exposed from what she spilled to him that morning. Though she does regret saying it- because it was such a sappy thing to do [and if she keeps telling this boy her secrets, it will only lead to heartbreak] and so unlike her. The withdrawal of alcohol has made her so... emotional.
She hates it.
But then she reminds herself that if her life wasn't so fucked up she wouldn't need to get emotional, cranky, or have mood swings.
"Look, Fredbag. About earlier, It was nothing, okay? I was just having a bad morning and you and Carly getting all up in my business, it just didn't help. And this alcohol withdrawal is making me crazy emotional..." Sam trailed off.
"You're telling me..." Freddie mumbled. Sam heard that and responded by punching him not-so-softly in the arm.
"I heard that, nub."
Freddie laughed and then, after a while, Sam joined in.
When their laughter died down, Freddie spoke, "It's been a while since you've called me a nub." He didn't sound sad, but he didn't sound happy.
Sam turned and looked at him. Really looked at him. He was staring straight ahead at the road, but he was smiling.
She feels something in the pit of her stomach and realizes that after seeing that smile so much for so long, she really does like it. It's a nice smile. It's familiar. And sometimes, when he smiles at her, it's kind of sarcastic, like half a smile half a smirk.
He doesn't smile at any one else like that. He never did. Not even Carly.
They reach a red light and he looks at her, and there it is. The smirk-smile. She smiles back at him, a smile that feels genuine, and it feels like some kind of private joke between them.
She laughs [because it's so cheesy for two people to just sit there in silence and smile at each other. So she punches him again. "I know. But that doesn't change anything. You will always be a nub to me."
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Standing at this door feels so... old to her. She hasn't done it in a while and it feels awkward. A month or so ago, she would just fling the door open and let herself in. But now, she stands in the hall, staring at it as if it will magically open all by it's self and spare her the confusion and awkwardness.
After a few minutes, her foot starts to hurt and she realizes that her the only way that door is opening is if her knuckles make contact with the wood. So she hesitantly reaches her hand out and knocks on the door.
She takes a deep breath- because what happens next will be harder than knocking was.
The door opens and Spencer looks shocked to see her. [But then again, who wouldn't be. She hadn't been over since before the accident and hadn't spoken to him since he visited her in the hospital. And even though this whole situation was incredibly awkward, she couldn't stop the girlish squeal when Spencer wrapped her in a huge bear hug.
"Spence... can't... breathe." She laughed out and he let go, smiling at her.
"Can you blame me? I haven't seen you in forever. Just because you're mad at Carly, doesn't mean you have to avoid me too." Spencer said, pouting at her like a young boy.
Sam laughed in a way that was bittersweet, "I'm sorry, Spence."
Spencer shook his head, "Come on in. Don't stand out here like a stranger." He stepped out of the way and she walked in and sat down on the couch. He sat in one of the chairs and looked at her. "What happened to you, Sam?"
She blinked and stared at him. Not really knowing how to answer that question. How do you tell someone who's always cared about you and always believed in you, that you let them down? How do you disappoint a man who welcomed you into his home and became the brother you never had? How could she do that? How could she be the one who wipes that smile off of Spencer's face by telling him that even though he tried his hardest, nothing and no one could save her?"
She shook her head and looked at him sadly, "Life. Reality," She shrugged, "I don't know."
Spencer frowned, "What is up with kids today? You're all trying to grow up too fast. Carly... is pregnant, you're drinking alcohol and running away from home. I see kids out there screaming at their parents and sneaking into clubs... I just don't understand."
Sam bit her lip, "I don't either, Spence."
Spencer was quiet for a moment, thinking, and then he got up and went to the kitchen. "So, you staying for dinner? I'll make spaghetti tacos."
Sam was amazed, once again, by Spencer's ability to look on the bright side of everything and ignore all of the bad things. She remembered his support when he found out about Carly and how she had never once heard him get angry about it. Spencer truly was a good person, and she felt horrible for exposing him to her many issues.
And now, here he was, looking at her with pure hope in his eyes and a smile spread on his lips because he was so happy that she here and she was okay. She smiled, because she never did have the heart to not to smile back at him, and she accepted. Then she told him that she had to go make things right with Carly first and he agreed.
As she trudged up the familiar steps to the familiar room, she felt an odd feeling in her stomach and suddenly, being here in this place that she had practically grown up in, she realized how much she missed it.
And suddenly there was nothing stopping her from getting it back.
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After Sam's father left, her mother pulled out all of the money in their shared bank account. She spent some of the money on a giant trampoline and put the rest in a private bank account for herself.
By that time, Sam was nine and her sister, who had been living with their grandmother for personal reasons, had come home. Sam and Melanie loved the trampoline and spent the majority of their time on it. That summer, Carly actually spend most of her time at Sam's house. Her mother hadn't started drinking yet and was instead working as a kindergarten teacher. Sam, Melanie, and Carly were best friends back then; spending every day together.
The trampoline was a symbol of their friendship in many ways. It had always been the place that Sam and Carly could talk, where they could dream, and sometimes just a familiar place to clear their minds at.
On the last day of that summer break, the three girls had gathered on the trampoline to relax on their last day before they had to go back to school. They laid there until the sun started to set, Spencer had called a few minutes before to say that he was on his way to pick Carly up.
As they waited, the girls gazed up at the sky, waiting eagerly for the first star to show. When it did appear in the sky, Sam spotted it first.
"Look, look! There it is!" Sam pointed to the sky and immediately clamped her eyes shut. The other girls followed suit and they each made their wishes silently. Sam kept her eyes closed, even after she was done with her wish.
"What'd you guys wish for?" Carly's voice broke the silence.
"You aren't supposed to tell, then it won't come true." Sam exclaimed, opening her eyes.
Carly pouted, "Aaawww."
Sam frowned at her friend's unhappiness. And then looked up at the sky, dark, but lit up with all of the stars. She stood up on the trampoline and bounced a bit to keep her balance. Carly looked up at her, wide brown eyes curious. Sam held her hand out to her.
"I want to catch the stars." Sam said, and helped Carly up.
Carly smiled, "Go ahead, you can do it!" She said, supportive as always.
Sam grabbed her hand and smiled at her, "I can't do it without you." She stated and then they both started jumping and reaching for the stars. Melanie laughed and giggled with them, but stayed seated, claiming she didn't want to fall [Mel never really was any good at jumping on the trampoline – she was the one always falling off and hurting herself].
Sam and Carly held hands, jumping up and reaching for stars, squealing every time they 'almost caught one!' up until Spencer got there to pick Carly up. As she gathered her things to leave, Carly smiled at Sam and told her not to catch any stars without her.
Sam promised, and at her birthday party that year- at her house around the trampoline of course- Carly gave her a silver necklace with a colorful star pendant.
Sam eagerly put it on and smiled at Carly, who told her it looked great. Then, they linked hands, climbed on the trampoline, and jumped for stars.
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Sam thought of that day as she stood outside of Carly's room, too afraid to knock. She touched her neck, but the star necklace was not there. She remembered, after that day, she had worn the necklace every single day, until the chain broke a few years later. Her mother was supposed to take it to get fixed after she got home from work, but when she came home that day she announced that she had lost her job- and then sat in her room drinking for the rest of the night.
That night, Sam had taken the necklace and hung it inside of a jewelry box her grandmother had gotten her a few years ago for Christmas. That same jewelry box with that same necklace inside, now sat somewhere in the attic of her house.
Sam stood outside of the room, remembering it all, all of her memories with Carly flooding through her mind, reminding her why exactly the girls were friends and why they had been for so long.
And she realized that she couldn't let it go- she couldn't let their friendship die. Because Carly is her best friend, and even though she'd made a few mistakes, it was up to Sam to forgive her.
She didn't knock, it would take too long and she would probably lose her inspiration and courage while waiting for a reply. She threw the door open and stepped inside. Carly was sitting on her bed, reading, with her hand resting on her stomach. She turned when she heard the door opened and her eyes widened when she saw Sam standing there staring at her. Neither of them spoke, just stared at each other with wide eyes and wary expressions.
Carly stood up and walked around the bed, until she was only a few feet away from Sam. Sam bit her lip and thought of nine year old Carly, laughing and jumping with nine year old Sam. Back when things weren't so complicated and they could have fun like that.
And now we're standing here like strangers. Sam thought sadly. And she finds it kind of funny really, how they go from nine year old best friends, jumping for the stars; to seventeen year old strangers, both in more trouble than they can handle by themselves. Problems that can't be handled without your best friend.
It's not too late. She tells herself, Just speak up.
"I'm so sorry Carly." Sam whispered, her voice sounding so quiet and un-Sam-like, even to her. "... I don't want us to be like this. I need you. And you need me. What we're going through... it's too much to go through without a best friend. And there are things that Derrick and Freddie, can't do. I feel like... I don't even know you anymore." Sam said, tears sliding down her cheeks. Carly stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Sam in a hug, still silent.
She pulled away and spoke, "Sam, I know. I know. I can't do this without you. And when.. when I found out about... it... I was scared. And I was hurt that you couldn't tell me something as big as that. I get it, because I felt like I didn't know you either-"
"I'm sorry." Sam interrupted and Carly smiled and continued.
"I know. But here's me, pregnant and confused, having to hear a doctor tell me that my best friend has evidence in her body that she's been drinking for months. And I felt like you had changed- because that girl, who was lying there all broken up, that wasn't you, that wasn't Sam. I felt like you were a completely different person, because just a few months ago, you were playing golf with meatballs and giving Gibby daily wedgies."
Sam chuckled, "I didn't know you felt that way. I didn't know I had changed so much. I'm so so-"Sam started, but Carly interrupted her, clamping a hand over her mouth.
"This isn't you either. The Sam I know had trouble saying sorry once, you're saying it every time you speak. I know this is hard for you. And I was wrong. I was rude and I was...snobby. I'm sorry I did that to you."
Sam nodded, "I'm sorry too, I hate when we fight. I just... I want my best friend back." She gave Carly a small smile. Carly wrapped her arms around Sam and gave her a big hug.
It felt good to be here, it felt good to have her best friend back. They stood there, arms wrapped around each other for what felt like forever, until Carly pulled away.
"Do you remember when we hung out on your trampoline, like, every day?"Carly asked excitedly.
Sam nodded, "I was just thinking about that before I came in here!"
"Watch this." Carly said and then walked over to the light switch and flipped it off, "Look up"
Sam looked up to see little stars and moons taped to the ceiling, giving off a yellow/green glow. Her eyes widened and she smiled happily. Suddenly, she felt like a nine year old girl again. With no problems, only a best friend and a sky full of stars.
"Wanna catch stars?" Carly asked from beside her. Sam looked at her and smiled, before kicking off her shoes and holding her hand out.
"I can't do it without you." She smiled and the girls linked hands, before climbing onto Carly's bed and jumping for stars.