Do not own Orange Is the New Black or any of characters.
Hey,
So we've sadly made it to the end, my friends. I just wanted to say a big big thank you to all of you that have read, reviewed, favourited and followed this story. And not only this one but Snowflakes too. The support has been overwhelming! You guys are awesome! :)
Now, it has been suggested to do a third part to this series. And I can honestly say, I don't think that will be happening. At least, not anytime soon. I just have too much going on at the moment and I honestly don't feel like writing a third part. But I always say shit like this and then end up doing it anyways. So who knows! Maybe there will be a future trilogy to it. But please, do not expect one anytime next week. lol.
Anyways, enough of my rambling, sit back and enjoy!
It's a long, juicy one!
- Oh and thank you so, so much fig-aruna! You are a champ! And this chapter wouldn't havve been half as good as it is now without your amazing help and input. Not only this chapter but the good other half of the story you contributed too! :)
Enjoy! Enjoy!
Rainstorms
Chapter 20
Hey
April 2022
Piper found herself seated on the edge of the bed holding an unopened letter. She pursed her lips slightly as she looked down at her name written on the front of it. There had been so many times over the past five months that she had found herself in the exact position she was in now, with the letter in her hands.
And each time was the same. She could never go through with it. One time she had broken the seal of the envelope to only stop half-way through, but that was the furthest she had ever gotten. She wasn't quite sure why she hadn't read the letter yet. At first, she hadn't wanted to because she was afraid to say goodbye to Alex.
But now she knew that Alex was coming back. Today, to be exact.
It was Nicky and Lorna's wedding today, and she knew that Alex was Nicky's best woman. There would be no avoiding each other. They were both part of the wedding party. Piper was both excited and extremely nervous to see Alex again.
Piper missed her, despite everything that had transpired between them. She still wasn't sure of what Alex had done exactly, but she couldn't help it – she wanted to move past it. To be with her. She truly did. But it seemed like her heart and head were saying two different things. It had taken her a while to get to the place she was at now.
Piper had been forced to face the demons from her past again these last couple of months.
There had been a mixture of good days and bad. There were times when she felt like she was struggling to breathe as the pain in her heart and the tension in her body became too much. She hated how old wounds had reopened after years of finally healing. She hated how it seemed like she would never get over all of it, that it would never leave her. She wished that Alex had never told her about what she had done and had continued to lie to her, so that she wouldn't have to think about it.
She had been happy with her life and with herself before Alex had come back into it, only to have it torn up again...
"Mommy?"
Piper looked up suddenly at this and towards Issy, who stood in the doorway of the room. "Baby!" cried out Piper as she immediately put on a bright face and placed the letter behind her on the bed. "Look at you! You look beautiful!"
The little girl was all done up in her flower girl dress for the wedding.
Issy smiled slightly at this but still continued to look on at her mother with concern. "You're crying again," she said as she took a small step further into the bedroom.
Piper brushed the tears away from her eyes and once again smiled at her daughter. She hated for Issy to see her like this. She never meant for Issy to see this part of herself. "It's nothing," she whispered. "Mommy is just..." Her voice trailed off, and she shook her head slightly, not knowing what to say anymore.
Issy didn't say anything as she walked over to her mother's side and crawled up beside her on the bed. It was then the little girl noticed the envelope behind Piper's back and immediately reached for it. "Why don't you ever open it?" Her brown eyes looked up to Piper in confusion.
Issy had seen Piper stare down at the letter multiple times now, but her mother never seemed to open it. Which she didn't understand? Mail was supposed to be read, she thought.
Piper just stared back at Issy, a new set of tears suddenly threatening to fall from her eyes.
"Alex wrote it," continued Issy. "She loves you, Mommy. Why don't you open it? Do you not love her? Is that why she left?"
Piper had to look away. Each time she heard Alex's name on Issy's tongue, it made her heart ache because it just reminded her that despite what Alex had done and how much it hurt her, Piper still loved her all the same. This wasn't the first time her daughter had brought up the topic of Alex. She didn't even know where the little girl had gotten her information from on the subject. The blonde never gave her a straight answer though. She would just dismiss it.
"Issy, we've been through this. Alex left for different reasons," Piper whispered as she found her words.
"But she's back today," stated Issy in hopes of putting a smile on her mother's face. "And you can tell her that you love her."
"Issy, please," whispered Piper as she suddenly stood up. "Mommy doesn't want to talk about this...ok? Alex is coming back for Auntie Nicky's and Lorna's wedding, that's it. It's not about Mommy or Alex or Issy today. It's about Nicky and Lorna." Piper took the letter from Issy's hands and placed it on the dresser.
Issy just continued to look at Piper with questioning eyes. It was clear that she didn't understand.
I'm not sure I understand it either, Piper thought as her eyes lingered on the envelope.
xxx
The air hung heavily with the scent of rain and dirt. It was that earthy smell that could only mean one thing.
Spring had sprung.
It was about fucking time, thought Alex to herself as she stepped out of the cab and slowly took in her surroundings. It had been a long winter to say the least. She was happy to see that the snow had finally melted away, and the air was somewhat warm again.
She could really use a cigarette, she thought but quickly dismissed the need from her mind. She was trying to quit. So instead, she reached into the bag she was carrying for a piece of gum and quickly put it into her mouth. She chewed on the stick vigorously, filling her mouth with the taste of spearmint, then slipped her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket and began to walk slowly down the sidewalk to the church.
Alex stumbled every few steps in the four-inch heels she was wearing. She wasn't accustomed to wearing heels anymore, only used to wearing either boots or the white sneakers that were required at her work. Alex hardly went out at night nowadays, so she never really had opportunities to wear heels.
Except for today. Today was a very special day.
It was Nicky and Lorna's wedding.
Alex stopped suddenly and looked up at the cathedral before her. She was a little surprised when she heard that Nicky and Lorna were getting married in a church. But Lorna was Catholic, she knew, so it wasn't that big of a surprise, she guessed. She looked over her shoulder briefly before beginning to walk up the stairs that led to the large wooden doors of the cathedral.
"Vause!" Nicky cried out as she spotted Alex entering the church.
"Hey," Alex greeted back with a smile as she locked eyes with Nicky before beginning to make her way towards her. Nicky was standing at the front of the church, which was currently empty except for the two of them.
The wedding wasn't to start for another couple of hours, but Alex had been told to come early.
She was the best woman.
"It's good to fucking see ya," whispered Nicky as she reached out towards Alex and hugged her. The two friends had spoken on the phone nearly every week since Christmas, but this was the first time they were seeing each other face-to-face since Alex had left months back.
"It's good to see ya too," replied Alex as she hugged the shorter woman back. And it was. She was happy to be back in the City. The last couple of months in Buffalo hadn't been bad, and the time spent away had actually been much needed, but she felt like she finally was back where she belonged. She wasn't sure what the next twenty-four hours would entail for her – she found it hard to even think about – but she hoped that something good would come out of it.
"I see you got the dress," said Nicky as she pulled away and smirked at the bright magenta dress that Alex was wearing. Nicky had given Lorna full control over planning the wedding, which had meant that everything was either a shade of pink or yellow, Lorna's two favourite colours.
Alex couldn't help but smirk as she too looked down at the dress she was wearing. It wasn't her style one bit, and she had frowned a little when it had arrived in the mail a week ago, but whatever made the bride happy. She was just glad to be a part of today.
The dress was made out of chiffon and was a darker shade of magenta, a one-shoulder design that fell to just above Alex's knees.
"It doesn't look bad on you," Nicky commented slyly. "Lorna was a little worried that your tits would make the one-shoulder strap look awkward."
Alex knew that Nicky was teasing her as she took off her leather jacket and adjusted the strap of the dress, which was supposed to represent three roses.
"Thanks...but fucking look at you! Never in a million years did I think I'd see Nicky Nichols in a fucking wedding dress!" Alex's eyes took in the sight of Nicky.
Nicky had her usual wild hair tamed and pinned to one side with a yellow rose, allowing it to fall down the side of her neck in soft curls. The dress she wore was made out of lace and was the colour of champagne. It was cut in a mermaid style and hugged Nicky's hips before flaring out to the floor. It was short-sleeved, had a high neckline, and was vintage-looking from the front but was sexy from behind, as it was backless.
"You look beautiful, Nicky!" And she meant it.
Nicky just grinned at this. "Oh, don't make me blush, Vause!"
"Shut up!" Alex cried back as she rolled her eyes and punched Nicky lightly in the arm. It seemed that the two of them could never have a real serious moment together.
The two women continued to stand there, smiling for a moment before Nicky told Alex to follow her to the back of the church, where she could put her stuff and finally see Red.
xxx
Piper was just finishing up her make-up in the mirror when Lorna came in.
"Look at you," cooed the blonde as she turned to look at Lorna in her dress. She had seen the dress before on her, but it didn't matter because it was like she was seeing it for the first time all over again. "You're gorgeous."
And she was, thought Piper.
Lorna had her hair pinned up and off of her face in an up-do of sorts, and there was a long veil pinned just underneath it and a pink rose tucked behind her ear. The mermaid-cut dress was white and off-the-shoulder with laced long-sleeves. Piper thought back to the first time she met Lorna, back in the Litchfield welcome van where the shorter brunette had shown her pictures of wedding dresses and told her what she wanted in her perfect wedding dress. And Lorna had found it, thought Piper as she continued to look at Lorna, who was smiling.
Her brown eyes where shining with tears. She was a very happy woman at the moment.
"You look like a princess!" cried out Issy as she looked up at Lorna and smiled excitedly.
"So do you!" Lorna replied back at the little girl. "You both look beautiful!"
Like Alex, Piper was wearing a one-shoulder strap dress in magenta chiffon, though hers was a lighter shade of pink than Alex's, and her hair was gathered in a low messy bun at the back of her neck.
Issy's long blonde hair was in a braided up-do, and there were little pink flowers tucked throughout it. Her dress was a light pink short-sleeved chiffon dress with a yellow sash tied at her waist.
Issy was the flower girl, and Piper was surprisingly the Maid of Honour. Lorna was originally going to have a larger wedding party but decided just to have the two most important people in her life stand beside her as she married the love of her life.
xxx
"Look at you," whispered Red as she took in the sight of Alex.
Alex couldn't help but smile back at Red at this.
This was the first time that the two of them were seeing each other in over a year. The last time had been at Alex's going away party, and it felt surreal seeing each other outside the walls of Litchfield, not adorned in the standard-issued khaki.
Red's hazel eyes were bright as she continued to take in the sight of the tall brunette. Alex had always been a beautiful girl, she thought. But seeing her dressed up like she was now, Red couldn't help but admire how much of a beautiful woman Alex was.
"Look at you," replied back Alex, gesturing to what Red was wearing. She had never seen the older woman in anything else but her white chef shirt and apron. It felt kind of weird for Alex to be seeing the Russian in a burgundy satin dress.
Red just let out a booming laugh at this.
The two women shared a long hug before breaking apart and turning to look at Nicky, who was smirking at them.
It was amazing how life worked out. Nine years ago, the three of them had met at Litchfield, all arriving there under different circumstances. Their relationships with each other had grown deeper than just the normal friendships that usually developed in prison. They were a family, a fact that was poignantly supported today as they were all here for Nicky and Lorna's wedding.
Red was once again with her girls.
xxx
Piper stared at herself in the mirror. She would see Alex today, she thought.
Nicky had told Piper about how the tall brunette had phoned her on Christmas Eve, just after Piper had left with Issy, and had explained how she had asked Alex to be a part of the wedding. Piper had known for a while that this day had been coming, but she still didn't know how to handle it exactly even though she had had a lot of time to think about what Alex had done and to figure out what everything meant.
It had been five months since Alex had left. Five, long fucking months.
Piper had been scared knowing that what Alex had done affected her, and how it was affecting her.
Piper still struggled some days with her trauma.
She and Alex were so good together but so awful together, too. As soon as they seemed to have something, one of them screwed up. But throughout it all, Piper knew that she missed Alex. Not having her around the past five months had put it all in perspective for her, and there was something she could never deny.
She loved Alex.
She loved her.
Despite all that they had done and all that had happened between them, Alex had loved her. Alex was her rock after all the ugly stuff with Healy had happened and when Piper had been hurting herself. And after years at Litchfield, Alex forgave her for sleeping with Larry, and Piper could tell that she was growing a bond with Issy too. They had both been willing to put the past behind them for once and stop fighting their feelings for each other.
Then Alex had dropped that bomb, and the past once again become an issue. A big fucking issue.
But Piper knew without a doubt that Alex loved her and would do anything for her. And Piper loved her back. There were still doubts in Piper's mind, risks that she considered constantly. But, there would always be some sort of doubts, she thought. Alex wasn't perfect. She wasn't perfect.
Piper wasn't sure what the future held, but she knew one thing. She'd been hurting so much throughout the years, feeling that undeniable hole in her heart. Things would be a challenge with Alex, but things in life would always be challenging.
Piper wanted to try.
She needed to try.
Piper stared at herself in the mirror once again and lifted her hand to her heart, feeling the tension unwind a little within her. She was ready to see Alex again and to finally talk, about everything.
She owed Alex that much. And after hearing Issy state that Alex loved her and how Piper loved her back, she knew she owed herself that much. It was all Piper could think about.
And she hoped that Alex, after all this time, wanted the same thing too.
xxx
The wedding march had begun to play. Everyone seemed to be holding their breaths a little. Nicky had already walked down the aisle with Red, and Alex had followed behind them. The two of them now stood at the front of the church, waiting for the bride to appear.
Alex caught Nicky's eye and smiled as the door opened and the rest of the party started to enter.
Issy came down the aisle first, carrying a white basket in her hand as she slowly walked down the aisle and carefully sprinkled pink and yellow rose petals as she went. She smiled as she locked eyes with Nicky.
Issy's eyes then shifted onto Alex.
Alex couldn't help but give the little girl a small wave as she locked eyes with her. She never would have thought she would be so happy to see the little girl whose conception had ruined her so long ago. But she couldn't help but love her in a way, just like she couldn't help but love Piper.
Issy's smile widened at this. It was a good thing Issy was almost at the end of the aisle because before Alex knew it, the little girl was running towards her. Issy hugged Alex's legs and looked up at her.
Everyone in the church laughed and smiled at this.
Alex looked down at Issy and patted her head, smiling deeply. Alex had to admit she had missed this little spitfire. She continued to smile at her for a moment before she felt Nicky nudge her shoulder. Alex immediately looked up and glanced over at Nicky before looking down the aisle.
Piper was now slowly making her way towards them.
Alex could still feel Issy standing beside her, but all her attention was on the older blonde. She found herself holding her breath as butterflies all of a sudden fluttered in the pit of her stomach. She had dreamt about Piper for months now, but she was finally here in the flesh now, and it all seemed a little surreal. Leaving had been one of the most painful things Alex had ever done. But she wasn't sure what Piper thought of her. She knew that the blonde had gone through a rough time after she left, and she hated how it had been because of her. She absolutely hated it.
But Nicky had said that she had been doing better.
Alex wanted to talk to her. So much. But at the same time, she wasn't sure. She didn't know where she was in Piper's mind when she thought of her.
The last time they had talked, it had ended so badly. Piper could barely look at her. She had compared her to Healy. Alex wasn't the person that she thought she was.
How were they ever supposed to move on from that?
How was she supposed to move on from that?
Alex was scared that Piper would reject her again. And a part of her didn't blame her if she did. She had done a terrible thing. A vile thing. Maybe it hadn't been to Piper, but she had hurt someone just as Piper had been hurt. Alex completely understood if Piper never wanted to see her again after this wedding.
How could she think of Piper forgiving her when she hadn't even forgiven herself yet?
The two ex-lovers locked eyes on each other briefly before Alex forced her eyes away. She could feel the tears coming on suddenly. A wave of guilt and shame washed over her that she couldn't shake. It seemed she would never get over this inner struggle to love herself again. She had kept it a secret for so long and had been able to keep all these feelings locked deep within herself. But after telling Piper and seeing that look of fear and disgust on her face, everything had come pouring out, and she couldn't get rid of them anymore.
She tried to compose herself as the music changed suddenly and Lorna began to walk towards them. She studied Lorna for a second before glancing over at Nicky. It made her heart ache to see that look of love on Nicky's face. She didn't want to feel jealous of what her friend had, but she couldn't help but feel a little.
She wanted that.
And despite herself, she glanced over at Piper, who was looking straight back at her.
xxx
"Okay. Now let's take a picture with just the wedding party," spoke the photographer as he gestured for Piper and Alex to come stand close together.
Alex blushed slightly as she caught Piper's eyes for a moment before looking away shyly.
Piper couldn't help but smirk slightly at this. The two had yet to talk or anything. After the church ceremony, they had been urged to take the traditional wedding photos, which were happening just outside the church.
"Hey," whispered Alex uncertainly.
"Hey," whispered back Piper with a smile.
The two held each other's eyes for a moment longer before being interrupted by the photographer.
"Okay, ladies," he called out.
Not another word was spoken between them as they stood shoulder-to-shoulder, holding bouquets of yellow flowers and smiled into the camera. Both were nervous to say the least. It had been so long since they had stood so closely to one another. Both wanted to talk, but this wasn't the time or place for that. So instead, small looks and touches were passed between the two women as photo after photo was taken.
"Okay, now how about we have the flower girl come join," called out the photographer as he looked up from the camera and gestured for Issy to come stand between the two women.
And so it went for the rest of the time.
xxx
"Have you talked to her yet?" asked Nicky as she came to stand beside Alex, who was nursing a bottle of beer in her hand.
Alex glanced over at Nicky and shook her head. "Fuck no."
Every time they were alone, they had been interrupted in some fashion. After the photos had been taken, everyone had piled into a limo together and headed towards the reception, which was held in a banquet hall in the heart of the City. Alex had tried to talk to Piper then, but it had been too loud, and they had an audience of sorts with Red and Issy in the limo with them. The most the two of them had talked about was how beautiful Lorna and Nicky looked in their dresses.
It was a little later, and the reception had been going on for three hours now. Everyone had just finished eating, and the speeches were already done. A quiet began to settle in Alex's mind, knowing that the first dance was supposed to be starting soon.
"Well, she's alone now," Nicky pointed out as she took a drag from her own beer and gestured across the room to where Piper stood. The blonde was checking something on her phone.
Alex frowned slightly at this. She was tempted, but she was nervous. She didn't want to be rejected again. Nicky had told her that Piper was better now, but she still was scared not knowing how Piper would treat her or how Piper even was. They had acted civil towards each other so far, but they had been surrounded by others all day. Who knows what would happen when they were alone? As much as Alex wanted to talk to Piper, she was afraid to do so all the same.
Alex took a long sip from her bottle as she looked across the room at Piper. She really just wanted to talk to her and tell her that she loved her. Especially after watching Lorna and Nicky tie the knot. It made her desire to be with Piper even stronger. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. Piper was what made her truly happy, she thought, which was something she hadn't been in awhile. She was tired of being sad all the time. She wanted to be loved and to have someone to love. And she knew that person was Piper. But again, she wasn't sure what the blonde thought of her. Piper might not want to be with her. She seemed pretty happy already with her life. She had a successful business and a family now.
Why would she want Alex to come in and disrupt all that?
"Well, one of you is going to have to be the first one," commented Nicky as she once again glanced over at Alex.
"I know," whispered Alex as she continued to study Piper, who was now staring straight back at her. Her heart skipped a beat, and she swallowed as she looked into those baby blues.
"Go get her," whispered Nicky with a smirk as she nudged Alex's back.
Alex tore her eyes away from Piper for a moment to glare at Nicky.
Nicky just smirked even more widely at Alex at this.
Alex then looked back at Piper, who was still staring back at her. It looked like the blonde wanted her to make a move too. A sigh then escaped from her lips as she drained the remainder of her beer before placing the empty bottle down onto the bar behind her.
Music played softly in the background as she walked across the dance floor and towards where Piper stood at one of the tables. Alex could feel Nicky's eyes burning into her back, but she ignored it. It surprised her how much Nicky was invested in Piper and her getting back together, especially when this was her big day.
She couldn't help but smile at Piper as she came closer.
"Hey."
"Hey," whispered back Piper.
"What's up?" asked Alex awkwardly as she came to stand beside Piper.
Piper couldn't help but smirk slightly at this. "What's up?" she repeated, cocking an eyebrow at Alex.
"What?" replied Alex with a shrug of her shoulders. She was trying to be pissed because she knew she was being mocked, but the corners of her lips uncontrollably turned upwards into a smile. She was nervous as hell.
"It's okay," spoke Piper. She could tell that Alex was nervous. She was too.
They continued to stand there looking at each other for a moment before Alex took a step closer to her. "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" Her green eyes pierced deeply into Piper's, studying her.
Piper nodded her head slowly in reply. She would like that very much, she thought.
But before they could go anywhere, they were interrupted again, this time by the DJ.
It was time for the first dance.
Piper and Alex just continued to look at each other for a moment before shifting their attention to the dance floor where Nicky and Lorna had just appeared in the centre of it. The room then seemed to come to a standstill as all eyes were on the couple as they shared their first dance with Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeply playing in the background.
Alex moved a little closer to Piper so that their shoulders were touching as they watched their friends slow-dance. They both looked so happy, she thought. It was incredible how far the two of them had come. She couldn't help but hope for the same thing with her and Piper.
She wanted her happy ending too.
The song soon came to an end.
"I've never seen two people more in love," whispered Piper suddenly into Alex's ear. Her breath was warm against Alex's skin, sending a wave of goosebumps down her spine.
Alex immediately turned her attention back to Piper at this. Her green eyes were dark with devotion as she continued to study the blonde for a second.
Piper stared back at Alex, feeling a mix of emotions at the moment. This person had done something she wasn't sure she could forgive. She wanted Alex but was struggling to fight the impulse to run. But this was also the person who had always had her heart. Who had nursed her through one of the worse times in her life.
"Do you want to dance?" Piper asked suddenly.
Alex's green eyes widened in surprise but soon found herself nodding her head in agreement.
Piper smiled at this and suddenly reached out to take Alex's hand. They stood there for a second, looking down at their interlocked fingers. Alex opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, the blonde was leading her out onto the dance floor. Al Green's Simply Beautiful was now playing as the two of them stood looking awkwardly at each other like teenagers at a middle school dance. Neither seemed to know what to do next or where to put their hands exactly. Alex felt doubts beginning to swim within her. She was afraid to touch Piper. The last time she had tried, the blonde had flipped. She didn't want to trigger anything in Piper again.
"Pipes," whispered Alex. "We don't have to..."
Piper shook her head at this. She smiled at Alex as she wrapped her arms around her neck. She was letting Alex know that this was okay. That she wanted this.
Alex just stood there, studying Piper for a moment longer before slowly resting her hands on the blonde's waist. She was barely holding her as their hips began to move to the music.
It had been a while since they had slow-danced like this. Their hearts were both racing as nerves and excitement flittered through them. About halfway through the song, Alex pulled Piper closer to her. Their hips were now pressing against each other as they continued to sway back and forth to the music. They both could feel their breaths on each other's faces, they were so close.
"I'm sorry," whispered Alex suddenly. She needed to get that off of her chest.
Piper shook her head slightly from side to side at this. A small smile appeared on her face as she continued to look deeply into Alex's eyes.
Alex's eyebrows fused together in confusion at this.
"It's okay," whispered back Piper as she tightened her hold around Alex's neck, making her face inch even closer than it already was. She once again smiled at Alex before slowly capturing her lips into a kiss. And it was okay, thought Piper to herself. She loved Alex and was trying to forgive her. She didn't really know how, and maybe that was okay. They didn't have to figure out everything at the very moment.
Tonight was about love. She had just watched Nicky and Lorna tie the knot, and it had moved her. Piper had been married herself once before, but it hadn't been nearly as emotion-filled as Nicky and Lorna's wedding had been. Today had been beautiful to say the least. And Piper wanted what they had, she yearned for it. She had a pretty good life already, she thought, but like always, Piper was selfish and wanted more.
She wanted her crazy love story. And she had it, right in front of her now, with Alex.
Alex felt herself forget how to breathe as she felt the soft wetness of Piper's tongue slip in between her lips. She was taken back by Piper's eagerness, to say the least, and stood there in a daze for a second as Piper's touch travelled through her, and before she knew it, she was kissing Piper back too.
They stopped dancing at that moment, and the entire world seemed to go still as all their energy and concentration was thrown into this one kiss.
xxx
It had just finished raining as Alex led Piper outside the venue, the blonde's hand carefully nestled within her own. The two women stood underneath a canopy of sorts that stretched along the entrance of the building. It was the only place that Alex could think of where they would be able to talk in private.
The air was cold and damp as they stood there looking at each other for a second.
Alex was desperately craving a cigarette at the moment but tried to ignore the feeling as she looked past Piper for a moment. She knew Piper had said it was okay, but there was still so much she wanted to tell her. So much that she needed to hear come out of Piper's mouth.
"Alex," Piper began to speak. She could tell there was something that Alex wanted to tell her, but she honestly didn't want to hear it. She didn't need to hear it, at least not at the moment. Piper just wanted to be with Alex for at least tonight and forget about everything else for once. She was tired of living in the past and thinking. She wanted to feel and be loved.
Alex slowly turned her eyes back onto Piper at this.
Piper smiled back at her as she reached out and took her hand, squeezing it. "Alex," she stated again. Her voice was soft and gentle like it was whenever she talked to Issy.
"It's okay," she continued. "You don't have to explain."
Alex just looked at Piper for a moment before suddenly being overcome with anger. No, it wasn't okay, she thought. She didn't want Piper to forgive her so easily like she was now. She didn't deserve it. What she had done was unforgivable, she thought.
"No, it's not fucking okay!" Alex whispered harshly as she suddenly pulled her hand away from Piper's, taking a few halting steps away from the blonde and felt angry tears begin to form in her eyes.
Piper was taken aback by this. Her blue eyes bore into Alex, whose back was turned to her now. She could sense that Alex was still deeply upset by what she had done all those years ago now. And she was too. But there came a point when you had to try putting it behind and move forward, as hard as it might be. And that's what Piper was trying to do now. She knew she wanted to move forward from all this.
Piper slowly then enclosed the space between her and Alex.
"Hey," she whispered gently as she placed a hand on Alex's shoulder.
Alex flinched slightly at Piper's touch, but she didn't shrug her off.
They stood like this for a moment longer. Piper didn't want to force Alex to look at her, but it was killing her all the same as the brunette continued to look away from her.
"Alex," whispered Piper again.
"I hate what I did," whispered Alex bitterly. Her voice was thick with tears and hatred at herself.
"I know you do," Piper began to rub Alex's arm. She was talking to her like she would to Issy when she was upset.
"I'm a monster," whispered Alex painfully as she turned suddenly and looked at Piper. She didn't mean to get this emotional, but after hearing Piper say it was okay and her being nice to her, she couldn't get over why. She didn't deserve Piper being nice to her. "Why don't you hate me? You were right. I'm not the person you thought I was."
Piper hated the look that was on Alex's face at the moment. There were unshed tears glistening in her green eyes. The last time Piper could remember seeing Alex so hurt like this was when she told her that her mom had died.
Piper squeezed her arm suddenly.
"You aren't a monster," stated Piper firmly. And it was the truth. Yes, what Alex had done was terrible and was something she would never wish on anyone. But she knew Alex. She wasn't a monster.
Not like Healy.
Alex just stared at Piper in confusion at this.
"Yes, what you did was terrible, but, Alex... I have thought a lot about it over the past few months," Piper said slowly as she reached out and took both of Alex's hands into her own. "And yes, I hated you, and I'm still trying to figure out how to forgive you. But you aren't a monster, Alex. You acted out of pain and anger and made a bad decision. You made a stupid, fucking bad mistake but a mistake nonetheless."
Alex pursed her lips at this, still unsure of what to do.
"I love you," whispered Piper as she brought a hand up to the side of Alex's face and caressed her skin. "And I want to try."
Alex once again didn't say anything at this. A stray tear ran down her face and onto Piper's hand. She wanted to try too. But a part of her was terrified.
Piper brushed the tear away from Alex's cheek before leaning forward and kissing her softly on the lips.
"I'm all in."
Alex looked deeply back at the blonde at this. She still didn't deserve Piper being so nice to her, she thought. She didn't deserve anyone being nice to her. She struggled between giving into the strong feelings coursing through her body at the moment and pulling away from the blonde.
Piper sensed that.
"I love you," whispered Piper again, more fiercely. She was tired of fighting with her feelings. She wanted to be with Alex again, and she needed the brunette to see this. She wanted to try to put the past behind them and start fresh.
The tears began to fall rapidly down Alex's face at this. She couldn't keep them in any longer just as she couldn't keep from fighting herself. Hearing that Piper loved her, despite all that she had done, just brought her over the edge. She once again tried to pull away from Piper, but the blonde wouldn't let her.
The blonde gathered Alex into her arms and held her tightly. She didn't say a word as she stroked the brunette's hair and rocked her slightly back and forth like a child.
Alex sobbed even harder at this. Here was this beautiful woman who had been through hell comforting her like a mother would a child. She didn't deserve this, she thought. She once again tried to pull away from Piper, but again the blonde was stronger than she looked and tightened her grip on Alex.
"Stop fighting," she whispered tenderly into her ear. "I'm here for you. I'm not leaving this time. You helped me, and now I'm going to help you..."
Piper then cupped the sides of Alex's face and forced her to look at her. "I love you, as much as you don't want to hear it. I fucking love you, and I'm not leaving..." She dropped her hands and once again pulled Alex to her. She wanted Alex to feel that she was loved, just like Alex had back at Litchfield.
"I love you too," Alex's voice came out hoarse and raspier than it usually was. Her make-up was ruined as tears continued to stream down her face, and she looked up at Piper. She rested her forehead slightly against hers as she tried to compose herself again. She hadn't meant to break down like she had.
They stayed like this for a moment before Piper slowly pressed her mouth against Alex's.
xxx
The two women walked back into the banquet hall hand-in-hand, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by a certain little girl.
Issy came racing up to both of them. There was the biggest smile on her face as she looked between Alex and Piper. "You're together!" she stated.
Neither Alex or Piper could help but smile at this. They looked down at Issy before looking at their interlocked fingers. There was no point in denying it. Piper caught Alex's eyes for a second before looking back at her daughter.
"See, Mommy! I told you! Alex loves you! And you love her!"
Alex couldn't help but laugh slightly at this. This kid was something else, she thought.
"Yes, yes," replied Piper. "You were right!"
Alex couldn't help but laugh again. She loved how Piper had just gotten schooled in a way by a four-year-old.
"Oh, shut up," mumbled Piper as she looked at Alex and shook her head slightly. She could practically see what Alex was thinking at the moment as she continued to smirk at her with that look in her eyes.
The blonde tried to feel mad but was utterly failing as she continued to look at Alex, and a smirk began to form on her face too.
xxx
Piper watched from afar as Alex danced with Issy.
The little girl was barely awake as Alex held her hands and danced with her. Issy had her feet on top of Alex's as her whole body slumped into her.
Piper couldn't help but smile at the sight of the two of them. She knew that it wouldn't be much longer before Issy was fast asleep. Nicky and Lorna had already departed for the night on their honeymoon to Bora Bora.
The party was soon coming to an end.
Piper continued to watch for a second longer before making her way towards where Alex and Issy were at the edge of the dance floor. They were practically the only people left dancing.
"Hey, can I cut in?" asked Piper as she tapped on Alex's shoulder.
Alex immediately turned her head and smiled at Piper. She couldn't believe how happy she was at the moment. It was amazing how things had changed for the good between her and Piper. They both had decided to give it a go, yet again, but this time there were finally no secrets or anything between them. They were starting with a fresh slate.
"Of course," whispered Alex to the blonde.
Not a word was exchanged as Piper suddenly lifted Issy up and against her hip. The little girl immediately wrapped her arms and legs around Piper and rested her head against her shoulder.
Piper kissed the child's forehead before looking over at Alex, who then wrapped her arms around both of them as best as she could.
Their eyes never left the other's as they then began to dance, making a circle of pink on the dance floor.
xxx
It was the early hours of the morning as Piper found herself in a common place for her nowadays.
The tub.
She had tried going to sleep, but her body and mind were too wired from the events from earlier that night, so she had run herself a bath and brought the letter with her. She hadn't told Alex that she hadn't read the letter yet.
But after everything that had happened between them, she thought it might finally be a good time to do so.
She bit down her on lower lip as she sank slightly lower into the soapy warm water and held the paper in front of her, being careful not to get it wet. Her heart was racing in anticipation to finally read what was written there.
Piper,
You know I'm not good at these things...writing. But you deserve at least some sort of attempt from me.
I don't know if you will even fucking read this. You will probably just burn this, and I don't blame you. I would too.
I know that you hate me, and I hate myself too. I never meant to do what I did to Pennsatucky. I was just so angry and fucking pissed off over what had happened to you, what Healy and Pennsatucky did to you. Just thinking back on it now still makes me what to scream and punch someone.
I know you don't need to be reminded of what they did to you. You surely remember. But...you were just so fucked up and hurting... I had never seen you like that...so broken. It scared me, so much. I hated how you were struggling, even with just walking around Litchfield.
I still remember how you looked in the cafeteria that day after you got out of SHU. You weren't yourself, which wasn't surprising. But you looked so lost, and I just wanted to help you. But every time I did, you would run away and freak out. And I know that was partly my fault too. You thought that I hated you for picking Larry. And I did for some time. But seeing you for the first time after six months of worrying, all of that just went out the window.
I never stopped loving you, kid.
And that's why I did what I did. I know you don't want to hear this, or read it. But I have to explain it. After you told me what Healy did to you, all I could think about was getting revenge. And I wanted to protect you. You weren't strong enough to do it yourself, and I just thought if I got rid of him, that it would help you in some way. I don't know how...I just did. I didn't know how else to help you. I could see the battle you were going through. You were scared and harming yourself. Seeing those marks on your body made me see red.
I had a dream where I killed Healy. It was right after you told me what he had done. It had been so vivid. So real. For a moment, I thought it had been true. I kinda wish it had been.
I will always fucking hate that fat bastard...
He ruined you. He took advantage of you, twice. I wanted to see him dead for hurting you... But I never got my chance, as you know.
And then when you told me about Pennsatucky, all that anger once again returned, maybe even a little worse because I felt like I had a second chance in a way to get revenge. I know this is crazy, and none of it is an excuse... And I hate bringing up the past for you...I really fucking do... but I have to explain it...
You didn't see how that fucking hick walked around Litchfield like she owned the place while you were locked up in SHU. The way she talked about you. She was fucked up, that one, like you know. I hated her since day one. And after finding out she had something to do with you getting assaulted, that was the final straw for me. Someone had to teach her a lesson.
And I thought that person was me.
I just meant for it to be a threat... I just wanted to scare Pennsatucky. I wanted her to back off of you and just leave you the fuck alone. But my emotions got the best of me in that laundry room.
I'm not proud of what I did.
I hated myself after what I had done. But I bottled it up all inside and kept it to myself. I told myself after it had happened that I would never, could never tell you. And I had, up until now.
You are probably wondering why I suddenly decided to confess to you what I did after so many years and especially after things had been going well for us. I just wanted to start off on honest grounds, I guess... I wanted this time to work out for us. You had been honest with me about Larry, and I wanted to be honest with you.
I don't expect you to forgive me after reading this letter. I don't even fucking forgive myself.
Every day, I wake up thinking about what I did. And I wonder if things would be different now, if I had never done it. I don't know if Pennsatucky would have continued to bother you or not. I don't know if you would have stopped hurting or not. Yes, after what I did, Pennsatucky had shut up for once and she stopped bothering you, allowing you to heal, at least a little.
But now thinking back on it, I don't really know if it made much of a difference? You still continued to harm yourself. You were still haunted by what Healy had done to you. You still woke up screaming at night. It took you so long to trust others, especially me.
Again, I don't know if this letter will make a difference to you. You probably hate me more after reading all this. I have just basically written that I raped Pennsatucky for no fucking reason. And all of this is fucking worse because you didn't get better overnight like I had hoped. You still suffered. Even years after, you are still suffering.
And I know that's why you slept with Larry. You saw Healy. You never told me that. But Nicky did. I wasn't around, and you had no one to turn to but him. I understand that now. For the longest time, I hated you, or tried to. But Litchfield was so filled with you. There were memories of you there. Of us. I couldn't get rid of them. No matter how hard I tried. I think that's why I was with Wren for so long.
It was just about sex. She was someone new. Not someone from the past. Someone who didn't know you and didn't really know what you had been through. I might have told her a little too much and ranted about you to her, but I had no one really. She felt like the only person I could talk to. Nicky was my friend, but she was your friend too, as much as I hated it. You guys had formed a family outside of Litchfield, and I hated it. I felt so alone and abandoned again. Not only by you, but by Nicky. By everyone who left Litchfield.
Wren, I felt, was my only companion in the world. She listened to me. She sided with me, and that's what I needed at the time. For someone to be on my fucking side for once, I guess.
I'm rambling now. See, I told you I wasn't fucking good at these things.
I just wanted to tell you again why I did what I did and how I am not pleased with myself.
By the time you read all this, I have left though.
It will be easier this way on everyone. You have a beautiful family here, and I don't want to disturb that any more than I already have.
I love you so much, Piper. I just want you to be happy. And I know you won't be if I stay around. You hate me. And I know that what I told you – what I've done – has brought up old wounds for you. I want you to get better. I don't want you to return to that dark place I know you have inside of you.
You are strong, Pipes. So strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. You have been through so much, and you're still going. That amazes me. You are a lot stronger than what you are given credit for. You were once just this plain boring yuppy, but you are so much more than that, now.
So please, don't turn to your old ways to deal with the pain I know you are feeling. That beautiful little girl needs you. She needs a mommy. No one should have to lose their mom suddenly at such a young age. I know it might feel like you have no one at the moment. That you are hurting over being lied to. But you have a support system. Talk to Nicky. Talk to Lorna. Talk to Polly. Fuck, even talk to Larry. Just talk to someone, Pipes, if you are feeling down. It hurts me to know I'm the reason you are going through all this now.
And I wish so much that I could stay and be there for you. But I know that's the last thing you want.
So, I'm leaving.
I'm sorry, for everything.
I love you,
Alex
Piper just stared at the words written on the paper after she finished reading it. She hated how Alex was putting herself down in it. She suddenly craved to hear Alex's voice and just to tell her yet again that she loved her.
Placing the letter on the floor, she reached for her phone. She knew it was late, but she hoped that Alex was up anyways.
"Hello?" a groggy voice answered.
"Hey," whispered Piper shyly.
"Hey," whispered back Alex.
"I woke you up. I'm sorry."
"It's okay, kid. What's up?"
Piper was silent for a moment. She thought about telling Alex that she had just read the letter but decided against it. "Nothing much. I just couldn't sleep and wanted to hear your voice."
She knew it sounded cheesy, and Alex probably thought she was crazy. But she just wanted to talk to her.
"I'm glad you called," whispered Alex in response.
"You are?"
"Mmmhhmm," murmured Alex. "I am."
Piper couldn't help but smile at this. It was amazing how happy she was at the moment.
There was a moment of silence between them as they both tried to think of something to say.
"So, what are you wearing?" asked Alex, playfully.
Piper couldn't help but laugh at this. "What am I wearing?"
"Yeah, what are you wearing?"
Piper smiled sheepishly as she looked down at herself. "Nothing."
"Nothing!?"
"Yeah...nothing...I'm in the tub," she answered honestly.
Alex let out a raspy chuckle in response to this.
Thanks for reading!
Julie