Trust
Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape, or form own the show Teen Titans, nor the various DC comics on which this fanfiction is based.
Raven rises from her portal to find Jinx incredibly nervous.
She sits on her couch in the same spot she had less than fifteen minutes prior, the only proof of her movement the open bottle of clear alcohol, a red mark naming the liquid facing her.
Next to the bottle lays the plastic that had, evidently, been wrapping it until recently.
Which is why it is worrying to see how much of the alcohol is missing from the bottle.
"Wanted to see how good my metabolism really is," Jinx explains in greeting.
Raven moves to the couch and pulls her into her arms, gently curling the pink tips of her hair.
"I'm sorry for not making myself clear, Jinx. I meant the alcohol for me. Given what I just discovered, I'm willing to find out how well I can suppress my faculties to allow what I understand is a very good way to forget things."
"Shoulda' told me that," Jinx mutters into her neck.
"I was distracted. You certainly worked through it quickly in my absence, though."
"It tastes really good. Not that it made me drunk enough to not feel like the Earth's 'bout to rip open under me," she adds, unintentionally aloud.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, my fear likely at least matches yours… So what question do you want to start with? As promised, anything is free game, and I swear I will answer completely truthfully for the entirety of this conversation."
The geas takes hold, both women shivering at the sensation.
"Were you planning on ever answering my questions before?"
Raven leans back into the couch, laying Jinx's head on her thighs as her hand strokes her hair.
"I was. As I said, I knew a time to explain everything would come, were I to wish to continue our work together, in regards to being a team, or girlfriends, or whatever else came… I have been meditating on it for the past month, and was getting ready to have this discussion anyways."
"But suddenly you decided you're ready today," Jinx adds.
"I… Because of my screw-ups, both with Sebastian and with Psimon, I not only put my own life at risk, but yours as well. I need to inform you of what you're getting into, if you decide afterwards to continue any capacity of our relationship."
"I would argue that was due to my not being able to stand up to their power, not you," the hex caster argues.
"You can handle Sebastian fine… I can't say that I was fully focused on Psimon, though. Just something we can work on if we're still working together after tonight."
"That's the third time you said somethin' like that, Rae. I'm gettin' worried."
"I'm… sorry. I'm a bit more pessimistic than I have reason to be, and it's directed at you despite you being in no way the cause. I will keep it quiet while you ask more questions."
Jinx nods in acceptance, gently rubbing circles with her index finger on the psychic's legs.
Raven forces her attention away from the pleasant shivers her attentions send through her, keeping her mind on the task at hand.
"So… how many eyes do you have?"
"I have two. Most of the time. In fact, very rarely do I have the four eyes that I assume you saw both times I've lost my control in front of you."
"Four red, glowing, terrifying eyes," Jinx muses.
"Yes, well, that is also a part of my genealogy."
"Okay, then I guess you want me to ask what, exactly, you are," Jinx tentatively offers.
"Want, no… Expect, yes… I... I am a demon."
Jinx tenses against her, her rigid body causing Raven to quickly continue.
"Half-demon, if I'm being technical. All of my oddness, the eyes, and undoubtedly the skin and terrible bloodlust you noticed with Sebastian are part of my nature, as is my soul-self."
Raven winces at the fear creeping through her girlfriend's mind.
"Half-demon, huh? Explains why you're so talented. So, what? Does your father work down in one of the Circles and took a holiday? Do you work for-"
"I do not answer to any demons," Raven growls, her anger quickly evaporating at her girlfriend's shock. "My father is not that kind of demon. Really, he has nothing to do with the Hell of this dimension, as far as I'm aware, but the term merely describes his appearance and personality…"
The geas presses on Raven's mind, and she fights a wince.
"My father is Trigon the Terrible."
Jinx immediately freezes against her girlfriend, her pink eyes slowly turning to meet the psychic's steady and somewhat watery gaze.
"Trigon… As in Demon Lord, makes and erases dimensions in a thought, civilization destroying god damn Trigon?"
"That's dad," Raven deadpans, her eyes betraying the crushing emotions hidden from her tone.
"Okay, trying not to freak. I wasn't expecting that. Um… well, that definitely explains how you're so unbelievably strong… Makes me wonder why you're one of the good guys, though."
Raven moves without thinking, kissing the woman as she finds far less terror than she had expected.
"I am not my father. I came to this dimension running from him, with the intent of finding a group capable of fighting with me to defeat him."
"Okay… I can see why you'd want to put off this explanation. Didn't you think giving me a heads-up would have made me better prepared to help if you ever lost it?"
Another wince forms on Raven's expression, this one having nothing to do with the geas.
"What brought me into existence should have no bearing on your opinion of me as a person. But I learned from Zatanna's prejudice when we met and the Titans' reactions to discovering it that this is not the normal reaction on this planet. I was… scared. I didn't want you to start believing me a monster."
Jinx sits up at that, a hurt expression on her face.
"It's freaky as shit, but you really thought I'd… what? Suddenly start attacking you? Raven-"
"No," Raven interrupts, forcing the tears welling in her eyes away. "I trust you more than that. I did not want you… afraid of me. The others remained my friend even after discovering what I am, but that does not mean they did not see me differently. I spent a lot of time after they found out repressing myself, making sure I did little to remind them that I am not solely human."
"You know me better than that," Jinx argues, her voice considerably softer than her previous statement.
Suddenly, her emotional repression when they were younger, and even when they had talked in the Angelique, makes a lot more sense to the hex caster.
That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, for more than one reason.
"I do," Raven agrees. "I… was raised in rejection. What my father was made the people of Azarath see me as an abomination, and I was raised in a temple where only a handful of the monks did not openly hate me whilst they all broke my mind and ensured I would be so in control of myself that he could never use me to bring their fears to fruition. I should have known better, but it is deeply engrained into my psyche, Jinx."
She isn't expecting the hex caster to pull her into a hunch and into her arms, but when she does, Raven immediately presses into the warm, comfortable embrace.
"If it's any consolation, when he attempted to take the Earth, I killed him. The others are not the only ones who were not fans of his work."
Snorting, Jinx presses a kiss to her forehead before allowing her to return to her upright position once more.
"Ya' weren't kiddin' about the extra-dimensional weirdness."
"I was not," Raven agrees, her worry over what question can reopen old wounds next rising in a wave.
Jinx's growing nervousness does not improve things.
"What didn't you tell me about the Church of Blood, and Sebastian?"
"I told you when we first began conversing that my legal name here is Rachel Roth, and that my mother's name was Angela Roth. That is not a cover story. Were I born on Earth, that would have been my name, instead of the single names of inhabitants of Azarath. She was a member of the Church."
The geas begins to burn in her mind as she takes a pause to collect herself.
"She was part of it for about a year, during which time their god came to them. They called him Skaath, thought him an incarnation of the First of the Fallen. Fools even gave Trigon free opportunity to walk this planet, if only for a few hours. Unfortunately, they were enough for him to rape my mother in the plans of giving birth to a sire, a gem, which could act as a portal to give him access to here."
Jinx gasps at that, her eyes widening in horror as pain becomes clear across the woman's face.
"Sebastian is a successor of the Church. It is no surprise that he knows all of the details. It's also why he thinks me so valuable. Half-demon child to their god, any child I bore him would surely have incredible potential… That was why what happened happened in Gotham. I was raised by pacifists, but nothing has made me hate as that man and the abomination that his family started has made me hate."
"If it had been just you, would you have killed him?" Jinx asks, no judgment present in her voice or her mind.
"Possibly. At any rate, I certainly would have allowed him to fight for his survival by not healing his severed artery. We couldn't hurt him, not really. So I decided to let Rage, the part of me that hosts my truly demonic aspects, have some freedom from the leash I keep her on. Unfortunately, she used the distraction Sebastian's goading and mockery caused to choke me with it, and far more of that side of me got out than ever should have been able."
A thought occurs to Raven, and a small smile curves her lips.
"You saved me then, too. Without your fear, and your concern, I would not have awoken. I would have come back to myself much more slowly, and it would have been too late… I likely would have hated myself, both for being weak enough to kill out of petty anger and enough to let Sebastian get me to that point."
She presses another kiss to her girlfriend's lips, a blush creeping along both their faces.
"Thank you twice over, Jinx."
"It's what I do. I'm just that awesome," Jinx muses with a shrug, though her eyes give away the things she's too embarrassed to voice.
"Indeed. This is… far less terrible and much more freeing than I had thought it would be," the psychic admits.
"Well, then, I imagine the horrors are over with. So… what did Psimon do to you? It looked painful, and made you change like with Sebastian. If you don't want to tell me the details, if it's too personal-"
"He should not have been capable of doing what he did. That man originally gained his powers from a deal brokered with my father in the process of his research as a doctor. He should have lost those powers with Trigon's demise," Raven interrupts, airing a thought that bothers her greatly.
"Maybe it was a one-way thing?" Jinx offers with a shrug.
"Not from what I understand. With my father's defeat, his powers should have gone with him. I may have to look into it, see if I misunderstood something. He has become notably stronger since he was frozen."
"So he really did go out of his way to avoid you back then?"
"More or less. He helped contain me, but when that was done, he disappeared. I'm sure hoping I didn't know who he was so I couldn't turn my father's ire on him for assaulting me. Apparently he learned of his defeat and the lack of love lost between the two of us since that time."
"So, I mean, how'd he manage to get you? One minute I'm knocked flat on my ass and the next, you… Raven, please tell me him getting me by surprise wasn't enough to make an opportunity for him."
Raven visibly winces as the geas presses down on her mind, destroying the notion of anything but honesty.
"He hit you. You, being a metahuman and in general strong, would likely not have been too damaged by a blunt force trauma like that… All the same, it worried me, and he used the distraction. Afterwards was entirely on my own weakness…"
Raven's gaze goes distant, and Jinx forgets her guilt while worrying for what other horrors her curiosity is going to force her girlfriend to relive.
"He… He raised something from my subconscious. A fear, which is also engrained into me. It existed before, but Sebastian raised it largely into my mind. I am afraid of what consequences would come, if I were to ever lose control completely to my demon. He used it against me."
Her gaze locks on Jinx once again, a strange warmth showing in her gaze.
"It would have broken me. At least, at the rate it was going. As of late, I've undoubtedly been letting her have more control than I ever should have, without taking steps along with it… Had you not been there shouting, I likely would have become convinced it was reality rather than illusion. And before you ask, please, don't ask for details."
Jinx nods, the almost-begging tone enough to cull her curiosity.
"It's no big deal. What would it say about me as a person if I just stood there while my girlfriend's hurting?"
A smile spreads across Raven's face, a blush peppering her cheeks.
"It is a big deal, Jinx. If the Titans had been there, they likely would have feared my transformation, and would have left me to deal with it on my own. Although Richard might actually have helped me right into a prison," she adds with a glare, not realizing she's voiced the thought. "Admittedly, Starfire and Cyborg would have been equally concerned for me, but they would not have interfered. It is usually the way I prefer to handle things with them, and it is a mutual distancing from when we were young… but in that instance, it would not have gone over well."
Jinx pulls her once more into her embrace, laying a chaste kiss on her cheek.
"I must just be a very attentive girlfriend," she laughs.
"Yes, that must be it," Raven deadpans. "Would that make me a terrible girlfriend for holding this all back from you this whole time?"
"It's not like you've been lying to me. After what you've told me in just the last…"
Her gaze moves to a clock nearby, a small gasp sounding.
"-a lot less minutes than it feels like, I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to bring all this up out of the blue," she continues. "'s it okay if I have a few more questions?"
"I'd think we're past the point of needing to ask permission. I can't really tell you anything that'll scare you off if the whole scion to a hell-dimension didn't send you running for an anti-demon book."
"Alright, then. So, from what I'm gettin', the whole red skin and eyes and that weird special effect voice you do comes out when you're going through a lot of emotional stress, right?"
"It is, though only on three occasions, the other being the incident that led to Dr. Light's stories. I usually have more control. Or I did, anyway."
"So, is that why you did the whole toneless, cold Goth routine when you were younger? To keep a handle on it?"
"The monks at the Tower of Azar, where I was raised, kept watch over me after my mother was given sanctuary and gave birth to me. When I said they broke my mind, I meant that literally. Through years of work, using the power of the goddess Azar to help them, they fractured my psyche at a young age and made it so emotions and parts of my nature would separate from me as they arose. The copy of me you've met, in Nevermore? She is one of them."
"They… How could they do that to someone?" Jinx demands, anger pulsing through her.
"Azarath is a different place from Earth. Their logic was that if I could not be a being with all of me together, my demonic nature included, I would not lose to my nature and turn into another Trigon. They weren't entirely wrong, either… But as a consequence, I grew up being afraid of expressing, or even feeling, my emotions."
"That why you were always meditatin', back when I was with the Titans? I mean, I wasn't there for long, but that seemed to be what people always said when you weren't joining us for events."
"In part, yes. Some of that can just be chalked up to habit from being raised in a temple, though," Raven adds with a small smile. "I had, over time, learned to fully control my emotions, so meditation became less and less necessary and moreso something to fill time with."
"Had. As in, something changed," Jinx points out.
"Yes, had… An unexpected change started, roughly… four months ago at this point. Elements were added to my life that threw off my internal balance, and as I began more and more enjoying the emotions that the elements brought to me, my monitoring began to slip. The consequences of the rendezvous we've shared, which I mentioned after the first incident in Gotham, Jinx."
Jinx's heart stutters at that, her mind replaying the last sentence repeatedly.
"Wait, you're sayin' that I'm causing you to-"
"It is an all-or-nothing deal. I cannot accept the lighter emotions you cause me to experience without also accepting the much darker which arise with them," Raven interrupts, cutting off her train of thought before it's vocalized.
"But still, if you started living your worst fear because a' me-"
"I said elements, Jinx. Much as I'm sure we would both enjoy it, my mental wellbeing does not revolve around you. You raised the light in my mind, which also uncaged the dark. Zatanna and Richard, though, are what truly made the darkness rise as an unstoppable beast in my mind. Especially with my oh-so-lovely discovery which led to my five minute report taking almost half an hour."
Something in her tone puts Jinx on edge, unexpected anger pain sending a quiver through her voice.
"What happened?"
"Richard has made a grave error. How do you think Gizmo would like free reign on the Titan mainframe?"
"He'd probably give up some of his toys for it. Rae, what happened?"
"Richard has plans in place, to disable every single member of the Titans. I understand that Batman has much the same contingencies in place for the Justice League, however Richard is nowhere near as patient and capable of forethought as his mentor, and given his recent behavior, I cannot risk what he may do with those plans."
"Wait, you mean he can just take out any Titan on a whim? Man am I glad that his info is way outdated on me," Jinx mutters.
"He is ever his masters' student. What I saw were brutal but undoubtedly effective plans, so while I may not have liked it, I would have understood his point of view on it… What he has planned for me is something beyond. It is not easy to disable me when I'm in a poor state of mind, and I recognize this fact. There should be plans to kill me if I ever turn on my principles. What he has planned is nothing but cruel, and I cannot allow it to be done. Killing me would be one thing. He plans to cage me, bind me, and make me a stunted vegetable for the rest of my life."
Anger suddenly blossoms in Jinx, more than matching her girlfriend's.
"I'm sorry for making you feel guilty, at all, for pushing the q and a session on you, if I did, Rae. If that's how your friends treat you-"
"Not friends. Zatanna and Richard," Raven interrupts.
Shaking her head violently, she leans further into the embrace and presses a much more impassioned kiss onto her lips, only separating when moans begin to sound in the air.
"It was well-deserved concern. I should've told you these things before Psimon forced my hand and threw you into shock at what you saw."
"I won't let him get his hands on you," Jinx swears, her pink eyes glowing angrily.
A smile breaks across Raven's face, and she moves in for yet another kiss.
"I have a plan on dealing with it. I'm sure Gizmo will enjoy the opportunity to destroy his contingencies, as both your and his names were there, too. But first there is something else I must do."
"Any help you want, I'll get it. Steel won't like the idea of possible assets put in danger on bird-brain's paranoia," Jinx intones through grit teeth. "You want me to ask him for a hit?"
"Unnecessary, and a waste of resources, though I do appreciate it. And I may call in a favor not dissimilar, depending on how my deliberations end up. But for right now, the first thing I need to take care of is internal. I've lost control twice in a matter of barely a full month. As I am, it will continue happening more and more, especially with some thoughts I had on who may be behind the thefts, who may be involved, and why."
She hadn't meant to reveal the last part, but as soon as it's out, she knows that it isn't a mistake. Jinx has more than earned her trust, and only her uncertainty on her still-forming recent thoughts on the robberies keeps the rest from leaving her.
"Psimon and Brother Blood will not be the last powerful psychics and mages we'll come across, of that I'm certain," she continues. "So I'm going to cut the problem off at the head, where I should have acted years ago. I'm going to undo what the monks did to my mind, and in doing so, I will likely become truly whole, not just a vessel for the avatars in my mind or Trigon's damned key. Not a human, not an Azarathian, not a demon, for the first time I might actually know who I am as just Raven."
Jinx tightens her hold on the woman, the idea terrifying and intriguing her simultaneously.
"And so we get to the end result of our conversation, something you convinced me I was correct in deciding with the more answers I gave and the lack of horror or hate that took place with each of them. I have a request, and it is an unfair one."
"I'll help you in any way I can," Jinx says, something warm stirring in the pit of her stomach and sending pleasant shivers through her.
"I need someone to keep vigil over me while I'm in Nevermore. I will be more vulnerable in there than I have been since I was first separated, and given Nightwing's actions, and Zatanna's powers and aggression, I cannot simply do this in my room. More, I will likely release a lot of power, whether through merging or dying, and if I do, the many magical villains we have not been as subtle as we should have been hunting down may very well take notice and come looking. I know what kind of pressure this request puts on you-"
"Rae, if you think I'm the person who'd be best for keeping you safe, I will protect you with everything I've got," Jinx interrupts.
Jinx's heart beats faster as the fact that Raven trusts her very bared soul to be protected by her settles in. The notion touches her monumentally, and she finds herself fighting tears of strange origin, a vague guess to what's happening taking root.
She initiates the kiss this time, a much gentler kiss than she remembers experiencing with the empath in their plethora shared.
"Only you, Nicole," Raven murmurs into the kiss, several stray tears slipping free...
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Author's Notes:
First of the Fallen is basically Satan in the DC comics, but not quite. More on that later.
This was by far the most interesting chapter for me to write thus far. I debated for quite a while on how the conversation would go, and what the results would be. It came out a tad melodramatic for my original intentions, but I'm glad to say I definitely like the end result, as I hope you all do as well. Be sure to let me know, though. See you next time!