Chapter 21 – Emotional
"Well, Alice wants to have sex," Jasper blurted out one morning. Everyone had just headed out to start their day, and I was right behind them, but had held back only briefly to check my schedule for the day.
"Um…. Wow, okay.. So?" I asked him, unsure how else to respond.
"Oh Bella, I've never been so freaked out before. What the hell am I supposed to do? Like, I want to have sex with her, but… does that make me a bad person? I don't know. And she's been so insistent. I never thought we would even kiss like we have been doing, but she just doesn't want to stop, and she's been asking me why I don't want to have sex with her. It breaks my heart. I don't want her to think that," he said in a rush. I don't even think he took a single breath between the words.
"Okay," in said slowly, still trying to process everything he just said. "Are you even sure she really knows exactly what sex means?" I asked, having a hard time believing she made that much progress in such a short amount of time. They had really only been officially a couple for a little over two weeks.
"Yes! She even described exactly how to do it because, I don't know, maybe she thought she wasn't communicating well enough, or something. She was very… graphic, and specific. She even told me something about protection not being necessary because she can't ever get pregnant again."
"Oh… Well, alrighty then," I said, still at a loss.
"Bella, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be telling you this, because I know you'll feel the need to tell Edward..."
"Oh no!" I cut him off. "I certainly don't feel the need to tell him any of this. And trust me, he wouldn't want to hear it."
"I know, but… I guess this is the sort of thing I should be talking to my guy friends about; problem is, my only real guy friends are her brother and her son."
I laughed once. "Yeah, not good choices for confidants on this particular subject," I agreed.
"So… What do I do?" he asked me, clearly desperate for advice.
I shrugged. "Jazz, honestly, I don't think anyone can answer that except you. You are the only one in the world that loves her in that way, so… it's something I can't even really form an opinion on. All I would really say is… if you do move forward with it, then you just need to prepare yourself to stop at any point. She may think she is ready, but when it gets down to it, she may not be as ready as she previously thought. She won't know for sure until it's actually happening."
"And that's what I'm most afraid of. I know I can stop if she needed me to, but… I don't want it to even get that far. I don't ever want to be the cause of her having some horrible flashback to what that monster did to her. I couldn't live with myself if I upset her like that."
"Jasper, you have to!" I told him strongly. "You can't prevent her from having a flashback, and you certainly can't blame yourself either. People who survived severe trauma, don't always know when or where they will have a flashback in that way, and if you were to shut yourself off from her because you blamed yourself, it would only hurt her. She needs your unyielding support."
"I know, but…"
"From everything you've told me that she's said, I'm pretty sure she's serious about wanting to have that type of relationship with you. You need to be her strength during it, and if she gets upset, just hold her, or give her space, or whatever she needs you to do. But don't blame yourself! She certainly wouldn't need you wallowing in your own self-loathing over it. She is going to need you to focus on her with this. The biggest mistake we ever made with her, was assuming she wasn't capable to make any of her own decisions. She is certainly capable to make decisions about her own body… so let her. She trusts you, so give her your trust in return. Trust her to know what she wants."
Jasper was quiet for a minute as he considered what I was saying, and then he sighed. "Well, you are certainly good at giving advice."
"I have a little personal experience with being with someone struggling with their thoughts and feelings," I told him.
"Edward has had issues too?" Jasper questioned surprised.
"He was raised to believe he has evil blood. It's gotten in the way of a lot of things for him… but all I can do is continue to support him, and love him, and know his occasional setbacks are not about me," I told him meaningfully. "And Alice may have some setbacks as well. I'm not talking about her reverting back to not speaking like before, because I'm fairly sure she's well past that, but she may be perfectly fine with sex one day, and the next it might upset her. You just can never be sure, and you have to always expect it in the back of your mind, and keep reminding yourself it's not personal. It may always be an ongoing battle that you have to keep working on for the rest of your life… Then again, Alice never ceases to surprise me, so maybe we are worrying over nothing and she will be absolutely fine."
Jasper smiled by the thought. "That wouldn't surprise me either. She definitely seems to know what she wants."
"Definitely," I agreed.
"Thanks, Bella."
"That's what I'm here for," I joked.
The rest of the day went normally, however when the next morning arrived, I was surprised when Jasper and Alice didn't show for breakfast. Emmett and Rose usually ate on their own in the apartment before they left for work, but I always cooked in the morning for those of us residing in the main house.
"Um… I suppose I will just… leave the eggs on the stove for a bit," I said awkwardly when Edward and I were both done eating, and they still hadn't shown.
"Hey, they are fully capable of cooking for themselves," Edward told me unconcerned.
"But I already made enough for them. I guess I'll just leave it out for a bit longer."
Just then, Alice came dancing out of the downstairs den where Jasper slept.
"Um, good morning," I said as she kissed both Edward and me on the cheek, and then rubbed my belly, as she did every morning.
"It is a good morning, isn't it?" she said in a sing song voice. "Sorry we are late for breakfast, we had sex," she divulged.
"Holy shit," Jasper mumbled to himself as he had just entered the kitchen to hear Alice's announcement.
Edward turned his head and glared at Jasper. "You mother fucker," he said with faux anger, which immediately made Jasper relax.
"Uh, okay, I deserved that," he said with a slight chuckle.
"Teddy, don't talk like that!" Alice scolded him.
"Sorry," he said casually. "But that was nothing. You should hear how Emmett talks when there's no women around."
"I know exactly how he talks, and I don't want you to be influenced by him," Alice said sternly.
"Me? Maybe you should take your own advice. Announcing your private business to everyone is definitely an Emmett move," Edward pointed out.
"That was, wasn't it?" she agreed. "I apologize. I was just so excited because it was amazing, and I wanted you both to know why we were late. We really did it last night, but we were so tired this morning that we just didn't wake up…"
"Darlin', maybe we could just move on to a different topic," Jasper practically begged.
"Yes, please let's talk about something else," Edward agreed.
Lucky for Jasper and Edward, Alice happily moved on to talking about whatever else she was excited about that day. Without knowing all the details, it was clear that Alice was still happy and unaffected by their recent bedroom activities, and I couldn't have been more thrilled for them both. She just continued to blossom into such a beautiful woman, and I was so proud of whatever small part I had in helping her get there.
Our day continued as usual, or at least mostly usual. Alice typically shadowed Edward around the property as he worked, that day, however, she kissed him on the cheek and told him she'd be with Jasper if he needed her.
"You're still okay with them?" I asked Edward after she was out of hearing range.
"Yeah," he said hesitantly, as if he had something else to say.
"What's wrong?" I asked him. "Are you worried about her?"
"What? No, not at all. I'm happy for them both… I don't need to know details about it the way Alice seems more than happy to tell me, but… I think it's good."
"Okay, why did you get weird all of a sudden?" I asked concerned.
"Weird?" he laughed. "Sorry, I've been a little preoccupied. Actually, Alice's attention being diverted from me couldn't have come at a better time."
"Why's that?"
"I think… I think I should go to the execution…. And that's the last place I'd want her to go."
"Oh," I said surprised.
"Yeah. I was talking to Tanya on the phone the other day, and I just got to thinking… I don't know. Does it make me a horrible person if… maybe… there's this part of me that… wants to see him before he dies?"
"Oh baby, that doesn't make you a horrible person at all," I said while wrapping my arms around him securely.
"I never wanted to see him before. I really am surprised I'm even considering this. It's so weird, and quite frankly, disturbing, but I just can't shake it."
"Edward, despite everything he did, he's still your father," I said carefully.
"Yeah, but it's not like I have any fond memories of him the way my sisters do. Literally, the only image I have of him was the one time I briefly saw his feet from where Alice would make me hide when he'd come down for her. I didn't understand who he was, or why I had to hide, but I knew he came down often, and after I saw his feet, I just remember thinking he was huge… like a giant, or something. I don't know, he's a monster, so I have no idea why I feel the need to see him at all. Maybe I just want to watch him die to know the world is finally rid of him."
"Its natural to be curious about a biological parent, no matter who they are," I assured him.
"I guess, but maybe I should save myself the trip, and just look him up on the internet. I know his picture is out there. You even said you've seen him on the news."
I nodded. "I have… and you certainly can do that, but it's not the same thing as seeing him in person… Its completely up to you."
He thought about it some more, and then he sighed. "I think I should go. If I change my mind about seeing him when I get there, I'll just not go inside. At least I'd be there to help support Tanya and Kate."
I nodded. "Sounds like a good plan… Would you mind if I go with you?"
He pressed his lips. "I really hate the idea of you being anywhere near a monster like that… but, I guess he can't do anything to hurt you, so… I would really like to have you there with me."
"Really?" I asked, grateful he trusted me enough to let me stay close to him during that time, which was sure to be emotionally taxing.
"Of course I'd want you to come," he said assuredly. "I hate ever being away from you… Plus, if I have one of my fun freak-outs, you are pretty much the only person who can talk me down… But, what about your patients?"
"I will contact them to let them know I'm going out of town, but if they still want to come interact with the horses, I'm sure Jasper wouldn't mind helping with that."
"Yeah, I'm pretty lucky to have such a wonderful step-dad," he joked.
I giggled at him. "Our poor child is going to be so confused about how everyone is related in this family."
Edward laughed with me. "Nah, it won't be so hard. Jasper will be it's second cousin and step grandfather. And you… were raised as grandma's sister. There. Easy enough."
"Oh my god," I said while shaking my head.
…
Alice wasn't happy about letting Edward leave on a trip without her, especially after we told her where we were going...
"But, how will I protect you from him if I stay here?" she asked concerned.
"Alice, I don't need you to protect me anymore," Edward had told her gently.
"I know you have Bella to protect you now, and she's even bigger than I am, but she's pregnant, so she might not be able to fight him off as well."
Edward chuckled lightly. "I don't know. She's still pretty tough. Being pregnant wouldn't get in the way of her amazing right hook."
Alice looked at me, so I winked at her and punched my hand with the opposite fist to show her just how good of a fighter I was. "I won't let anything happen to him," I promised.
"Besides, I'm kind of bigger than both of you now," Edward pointed out.
She smiled at him. "You have gotten really big."
"See? If Bella's big belly gets in the way of protecting me, I'll be able to handle it myself."
Alice smiled at him again, but then her face fell into a troubled expression. "There's something I never told you," she said anxiously.
"Okay, so tell me."
Alice looked at Jasper, and he nodded in encouragement, which seemed to give her the strength she needed to say whatever it was she needed to say.
"He wanted you," she told Edward reluctantly. "He wanted to take you away from me, and raise you as his. He said he always wanted a son. It's the only reason he didn't kill me like the others. I had you. Maybe… Maybe if I let him take you, maybe he would have raised you with your sisters, and he would have been kind to you like he was to them, and you would have had a better life. I went from considering killing you, to refusing to ever let you go."
Edward nodded. "Alice, why are you telling me this right now?" he asked gently.
"I'm scared. I've always been scared for him to see you, because I know once he does, he will love you like I do, and he won't let me hide you from him anymore. He will take you away, and I'll never see you again."
"Alice, its not even possible for him to take me anywhere. He's going to be locked up the entire time, and then he's going to be killed. He can't hurt me… He can't hurt anyone ever again."
"You're sure?" she asked.
Edward nodded. "Absolutely."
"What if he escapes?"
"He can't. He will be chained up and surrounded by a ton of armed guards at all times. He's been locked up for a long time already. He's an old man now. He will never escape. I promise you."
"Darlin', I have a cell phone, Edward has a cell phone. You will be able to call him whenever you want," Jasper assured her.
"Okay," she said after considering it. "I'll stay here and take care of Jasper and the horses, so you guys won't have to worry about them."
"Thanks, Alice," I said with a smile.
She sighed. "I guess I'll even make Emmett and Rose dinner, because god know they can't cook."
"We can do it together," Jasper told her, so she wove her fingers in his as affirmation.
Convincing Alice not to go to the execution was surprisingly easy compared to convincing Emmett not to go. Then again, we should have know that was exactly what would happen…
"Emmett, you have no reason to go," Edward told him.
"The hell I don't!" he retorted. "Executions are usually witnessed by victims families, and guess what, that's exactly what I am. I want to see that prick fry!"
"It's a lethal injection," I told him.
"Whatever. I still want to see it. I want to know that monster is good and dead!"
"I can take a picture for you," Edward deadpanned.
"I wish you would. I'd frame that shit."
"Emmett, regardless of what he did, he's still Edward's father," I reminded him. "Maybe you should not speak like that."
"You're right, Bella," Emmett said. "I'm sorry, Edward."
"Its fine. It's just… I suppose you can go if you feel it's something you need to see, but I would honestly prefer if you didn't," Edward told him.
"Okay, then we won't," Emmett finally agreed.
…
Even though we were only driving, I was just entering my third trimester, so I wanted to double check with my OBGYN to make sure it was safe enough to travel. Thankfully, I got the all clear, and we took off towards the prison. Emmett teared up as he watched us leave, but Alice stayed strong, and assured everyone we were going to be okay. I knew it was hard for her to let Edward leave, especially knowing where we were going, but she did it because she knew it was something he needed to do. She truly knew what it meant to be a great mother, and I could only hope to be as selfless and fiercely loving as she was with my own children some day.
"So, what are we thinking, like ten hours before we get to the hotel?" Edward asked he as he drove us onto the highway.
"Its only eight hours on the GPS," I told him, confused as to why he would think it was ten.
"Yeah, but considering all the rest stops you're going to need to take, I'm sure it'll be at least ten."
"I don't have to pee that much!"
"Hey, I'm just quoting your doc here," he defended himself. "He said to make sure you get up and walk around every couple hours or so, to make sure you don't have too much swelling."
"Yeah, but not two hours worth of walking and peeing," I said, pretending to be insulted.
"Babe, it's early, we have plenty of time to get there, we don't need to be in any rush. Let's just enjoy this time that we have alone while we can."
"You say that like we will never be alone again," I giggled.
"We won't."
"Unless Alice moves into the apartment with Jasper," I pointed out.
"Um… we will still have that little monster always around," he said, in reference to my stomach. "So that's eighteen years at least of us never being alone. Then you'll probably want more kids, and it'll be just that much longer."
"The kids will have their own bedrooms," I said. "And before you know it, they will be in school and you'll miss them. Besides, there is always vacations. I think we will have plenty of willing babysitters around the ranch."
"Still, let's just enjoy this drive. I miss having you all to myself, and bedtime doesn't even count."
"Why's that? Because all we do in bed is have sex?" I joked, though it was pretty accurate.
"You're right. We should cut back on that so we have some time to just talk and hang out."
"Or, we could keep our sex life the way it is," I said, hating the idea of making love to him any less than we were currently.
He laughed. "You might not feel up to it so much after the baby is born."
"That won't ever happen," I said assuredly.
He laughed again. "Okay. We shall see."
We drove for a few hours, and had only stopped once up until that point. However when we stopped that particular time, Edward bypassed the truck stop, and seemed to be turning around and driving down a frontage road in the opposite direction we had been traveling.
"Where are we going?" I asked as our GPS kept trying to reroute us back to the freeway.
"I saw something a little way back, and I wanted to check it out."
I intended to question him further, but we soon pulled up to a particular building, and he turned off the car. "Okay, so I'm kind of confused. Why did you want to check out this building?"
"Isn't it neat?" he asked with a level of excitement I wasn't expecting.
"Its… beautiful, but… I never saw you as a lover of architecture," I said as we got out of the car so I could stretch my legs.
"Well, I'm not. But this particular building was where they filmed 'Love Ever After'," he explained.
"Is that some Hallmark chick flick?" I asked with a giggle.
He shook his head no, but then admitted - "Maybe. It was actually one of my favorites. It was an awesome story about two people finding each other against all odds. They ended up having a shotgun wedding at a courthouse, and this was where they filmed it."
"And you just happened to see it while driving on the freeway?" I asked in disbelief.
"Maybe… Or maybe I knew it was here and wanted to stop all along."
I giggled at him. "Well, I'm glad you could see it since you liked the movie so much."
"I'm glad I could see it with you," he told me.
I smiled at him, and kissed him tenderly. It really was a beautiful building, and even the grounds were lovely. We started walking the garden a bit, and the flowers there were absolutely breathtaking.
"Wow, I guess I can see why the movie people would come all the way out here to film."
"Pretty incredible, right?" he said.
"It really is," I agreed.
"Bella, I really want you to know how much I appreciate you coming on this trip with me. I don't know how it's going to go, but… I know I will get through it if I have you by my side."
"You will get through it," I said confidently. "You've made leaps and bounds in such a short amount of time. I know you can get through anything."
"As long as I have you," he reiterated.
"As long as we have each other," I corrected him. "As long as we have each other, I'm certain there's nothing we can't do."
"Well, I know one thing for sure, I can't stop loving you, and I never will. Bella, you have given me a reason to live, for the first time in my life. Without you, I wasn't even a shadow of a man, and now I have so much to be thankful for. You didn't just give me a family, you are my family, and wherever you are, that's my home… You're the only home I have ever known. You have proven that chick flicks can mirror reality, and the only way I could possibly be any happier is if you would marry me."
My breath caught as Edward pulled a little black velvet box out of his pocket, and then sunk down to one knee.
"Isabella Marie Swan, would you do the extraordinary honor of being my wife?"
I didn't even realize I was crying until I could no longer see him through my tears, but he was waiting for my answer, so I forced the moisture away so I could see his beautiful perfect face again. "Yes! Yes, of course I will marry you."
He smiled and placed the ring on my finger, and then he stood and we held each other tightly.
"Thank god," I heard him whisper under his breath.
I pulled back enough to look at him. "Were you worried I'd say no?"
"There's always a part of me that worries you're going to come to your senses and realize you deserve so much better than me."
I wanted to reiterate just how far from the truth that was, but then he stopped me.
"But you know what, that part of me only gets smaller every day, because you make me feel like the luckiest man alive. If you love me, then I must not be so bad."
"You are incredible. And I'm the lucky one," I told him sincerely. He clearly disagreed, but we weren't about to get into an argument about it. I looked at my hand, at the surreal sight of a diamond engagement ring on my finger, and I just couldn't believe it was real. "Its beautiful," I told him as I got emotional again.
"It's a good thing I was being paid five hundred a month for a while, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to afford it," he joked.
I giggled. "I know I never paid you enough for this," I said, wondering how he managed to stow away that kind of money.
"I did have a savings before I met you… And no, it wasn't from my illegal activities. I never had many living expenses, so whatever money I would make, basically I held onto. It wasn't much, but I'm glad I was able to buy that with money I made completely on my own."
"Well, you could have used our money too. I don't want you to ever feel like you need to ask first."
"I will always ask before making a large purchase... Okay, perhaps the right word is 'discuss'. I will always discuss major purchases with you… well, anything major for that matter."
I smiled lovingly at him. "And I will always discuss everything major with you too."
"I love you," he said.
"I love you more," I replied.
He shook his head. "That's not even possible."
"We can agree to disagree," I settled.
He wrapped me up tightly in his arms again. "So, since we love each other a whole lot, maybe we should go in there and see if the courthouse can do same day weddings."
I laughed. "Oh okay," I said, knowing he was joking. "I think Alice and Emmett would kill us."
"They'd get over it," he said, sounding less like a joke than I had originally assumed. "We could always do a ceremony and all that later. We wouldn't even have to tell them if you're that worried about it. We can just… be married for us."
"You're serious?" I asked, still unsure.
"Completely. I want you to be my wife, and I don't want to have to wait for some wedding plans to come together, that don't ready mean anything in the long run… And I really don't want our baby being born a bastard."
"Bastard?" I laughed again. "What century do you think we live in? Maybe we have been watching too much 'Game of Thrones'."
"I know it doesn't really matter, and being married is just a piece of paper and all that, but…. I don't know, I just don't want to wait."
"But Alice…"
"She'd get over it," he said assuredly. "We live with all the people who matter enough to want at our wedding anyway, and we see them every day practically all day. I just think it would be nice if we did this just for us. We can do the ceremony later…"
"You know… I actually don't really want a ceremony," I said, realizing just how true those words were. "I mean, I used to dream about the whole, you know… my dad giving me away, thing…. But he's not here, and maybe I kind of like the idea of it being just us too."
"Really?" he asked excitedly.
I smiled just as excitedly. "Really… But Don't we need to get a license?"
"They do them here, and there's no waiting period."
"You planned this?" I said, realizing it wasn't exactly a spur of the moment thing for him.
"I didn't plan it. I would never make plans like this without you…. I just hoped for it…. Our birth certificates are in the car."
I laughed. "Too bad you didn't think to pack me something a little nicer to wear. I'm in sweats."
"Actually," he said with a smirk.
I followed him to the trunk of our car, and he pulled out a garment bag that I had never seen before.
"What's this?" I questioned.
"Rose picked it out for me… Well, for you."
"Rose? You talked to Rose about this, of all people?"
He shrugged. "She's your best friend, so I figured if anyone knew what you would like to wear, it's her."
"Yeah, I love her, but she has such a big mouth. I'm shocked our entire family doesn't know about this already. Hold on… are they all here waiting inside?"
He smiled, but then shook his head no. "I really wanted this to be about just us. We can celebrate with all of them anytime."
I smiled back at him. "I love you."
"I love you, too. Now let's get inside so we can get ourselves married. I don't want to waist another moment of not being your husband."
I was so excited that I honestly felt giddy. I couldn't ever remember being that excited about anything in my life. It was absolutely the most perfect way I could have ever imagined to get married.
The knee length white maternity dress Rose had picked out for me, was absolutely perfect, and I didn't even mind that I was changing in a public bathroom. Edward changed his clothes as well, and he looked stunning in his slacks and button down shirt. It was a surreal moment, and I couldn't believe it was actually happening. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I could be that blissfully happy. Unlike Edward, I had always believed in love, however I never knew love could be as big, and intense, and passionate as my love was for him. He made life infinitely more magical, and I was so beyond grateful to have found him.
When our vows were said, and all the papers were signed, I got the honor of calling the most incredible man alive, my husband. It had to be the best day of my life, and even though it was so surreal, I knew I would never forget it.
We didn't get back on the road that night, we just stayed at a nearby hotel, and enjoyed our wedding night in the best way possible - naked in each other's arms. By morning, however, I realized perhaps we made a mistake...
"So… we need to be at the prison by one this afternoon," I said as we got ready for our day. "Kind of sad that we will always have to think about this on our anniversary every year. Maybe we should have waited to get married after all."
"No way," Edward said unconcerned. "I'm pretty certain the motto of my life is to make something good out of a bad situation. That's exactly what we did… and are still doing. This afternoon is going to suck, but we are not going to let it get us down."
I smiled at him. I tended to do a lot of smiling at him.. "You're right. Everything about it was perfect."
"I'm just glad I'll have my wife there with me today. I like that so much better than just calling you my girlfriend."
"Well, I'm glad to be going anywhere with my husband," I told him, and couldn't help but smile so big by the word that my cheeks actually hurt. I had a husband, and he was the most incredible person on earth.
We finished our drive, and arrived at our next hotel, just in time for us to get checked in and grab some lunch, before we needed to be at the prison.
When we arrived, Tanya and Kate met us outside the prison doors, and it was obvious they were already having a hard time.
"Are you okay?" I asked them. It was a dumb question. Of course they weren't okay. Their father, whom they still loved, was about to be executed.
They each took turns hugging Edward and me, and then they asked him the question neither of us were expecting.
"They are allowing him one last visit with family. I told him you were here, and he wants to meet you. Would you be up to talking to him?" Tanya asked Edward.
"Uh…"
"I know you have no reason to care, and he certainly doesn't deserve it, but it would bring him a small level of peace. He said he never stopped thinking about you," Kate added.
Edward looked to me for some kind of help with the situation, but I had no idea how to respond. It was a decision he needed to make for himself.
"I… uh… I never considered actually speaking to him, but… maybe I should," he said while looking at me questionably.
"Its up to you," I told him.
"Okay, I'm just going to get it over with," he decided.
They only allowed one visitor at a time into the execution holding area, so Edward went in alone. I was so nervous for him, but I also knew he was strong enough to handle it, and quite possibly, it may even be another one of his pieces he needed to find in order to make himself whole.
As I waited for him outside with Tanya and Kate, however, I was about to have an emotionally taxing meeting of my own…
"Bella? Oh my goodness, what are you doing here?" Esme asked me as she approached with Carlisle trailing behind her….