Creation began on 11-24-17

Creation ended on 11-29-17

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Modern Day Legend of a Rage-filled Anchor: Heartache Repercussions

A/N: We all know that Shinji and Asuka of the Ceres universe were a couple separated by a suicide choice on the former's part to keep from harming the latter lover, but we never got to see how they, that is Asuka, Yui and Anzu, the three women that had anything to do with him, react and try to cope with the loss…until now.

Laying in her futon, the day after the love of her life took his own life to keep from harming her after hitting her without ever truly wanting to or without even the slightest of intentions, Asuka Soryu-Ayanami couldn't escape the memory of her lover burning himself to ashes in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Asuka," Shinji had told her as blue fire surrounded his body, his face wracked by guilt over hurting her against his will. "Forgive me."

He didn't scream, but she saw his tears as his mother came into her son's room and witnessed the departure of the boy. The fact that he had did himself in only reminded both women that he had been condemned to Hell as a consequence.

Shinji, she thought as she cried again. You didn't have to kill yourself. What you did to me, I can forgive all of that because you never meant any of it. I can forgive all your bad actions because you were never at fault for any of them.

"Asuka," she heard her guardian, Mine Ayanami, outside her room, "are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Mine," she lied to her.

"Did something happen yesterday? You weren't at school."

"It's nothing."

-x-

First her father dies in prison because of her poor decisions, and now her son kills himself because of his bad heritage…and her negligence of him. Yui had caused both of their deaths because of her and her carelessness. The sight of her son setting himself ablaze had just started to sink into her conscious and how much his death was on her and her alone.

I killed him, she thought, sitting at her bedroom desk, crying that night. I killed them both. It's all my fault. I've finally reaped what I've sown.

"Miss Ikari," went Asuka, covering herself in Shinji's sheets. "I… Shinji and I were just… He just…"

The girl was just too much in shock over what just happened in front of them. And Yui couldn't blame her for being unable to clarify what had happened. What was more was that Yui had seen enough in her son's room to tell her that when she denied Shinji her love, he went and searched for love elsewhere and ended up in bed with a girl that she wanted to disbelieve that they were involved. Of course, she couldn't blame anyone but herself for not seeing the signs.

"Yui," went Anzu to her as she stood outside her daughter's room. "Yui, we need to talk about what happened yesterday."

"I killed him," Yui told her.

"You didn't set him on fire. He did what he thought he had to in order to keep from hurting Asuka."

"You were right. I pushed him away and I did nothing to remedy the situation I started properly."

"It was either that or he'd have her possible death on his conscience. He didn't want that for her. He didn't want that for any of us, whether we were with him or not."

"How can you be so calm about this?"

"Because I can't afford to have a breakdown at my age…and you can't afford to throw your life away."

Yui looked at her mother and sighed.

"I've already, more or less, thrown my life away, Mother," she told her.

-x-

The very next day was a trying one for Asuka in school. It felt strange to be back there without Shinji; none of the students or teachers even knew that her boyfriend was gone…and she wasn't sure if she should tell them.

"…And it would seem that Mr. Ikari is absent again today," said the female teacher as she checked attendance. "Hmm? Well, this note explains his absence to a degree. What kind of parent goes and decides to take a leave of absence to go travel and take their son with them?"

What? Asuka wondered; why would the school be informed that Shinji was elsewhere with his mother when that was a falsehood? But Shinji's not traveling with anyone. At least not in the traditional sense.

-x-

She went to the house, wanting to get to the bottom of the matter as soon as possible. If Asuka was right about what she was left to simply assume, then the only ones that knew that Shinji was dead…were herself, Yui and Anzu…and the adult women in her lover's life didn't divulge the truth to anyone else.

Knock-knock-knock! She knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer.

The door opened and she was greeted by Anzu.

"Asuka," she expressed.

"Anzu," she responded. "I was at school today, and I heard… Why did you two lie? I saw him die. I couldn't tell anyone about it. Why?"

Anzu let her into the house and set up a pot of tea.

"Yui is just as shaken up by his death as we both are," she explained to her, "but it hasn't begun to sink in that what happened wasn't her fault. She blames herself for what he did to keep from hurting you."

Asuka raised her left hand to her chest, still feeling the lingering pain where Shinji, possessed by his inexplainable negativity that he had no control over, had hit her during their throes of tender lovemaking. She might've been able to recover with only a slight bruise later on, but the pain of his death would be forever.

"Did she really leave to go travel?" She asked Anzu, wanting to know where Yui was.

"No," she answered her. "I just had to tell the school something to convince them that Shinji wasn't going to be around for a while. She's here, but she's shut herself up in his room. This is to help her with her grief."

"How long does it take to sink in?"

"It depends on the person affected by loss. Denial, anger, etc. Which stage of the grief are you in?"

"I guess I… I can't deny that I watched him die…and I can't be angry with him for doing this to us. I know he didn't want to do it…but after he did what he did to me without wanting to, he just felt he had no choice. He said he saw that he was going to kill me…and just wanted to prevent that."

"Men who feel true love will always die to protect their loved ones, no matter what the personal cost to themselves. If he was willing to kill himself to keep from killing you after harming you…then his feelings for you were pure."

"But I would've accepted the risk of him killing me…if it meant being with him."

"I believe you. Truly, I do."

"But he couldn't have my possible death on his conscience. He didn't want to live with knowing that he'd killed me. I can't call the man I love a coward for putting my life first…but I can't stop missing him so much."

Anzu sympathized with Asuka; the grandmother loved her grandchild and was suffering from the loss just as much as the grandchild's lover.

"Can I ask a personal question?" She asked the redhead.

"Shoot," Asuka responded.

"If he had somehow merely burnt himself into a medically-induced coma instead of suicide and needed to be hospitalized as a result…would you have visited him?"

Asuka looked at her and answered, "I would've visited him until he got better or worse. I loved him like the old saying 'forever and ever'…and I still love him. There's no one else that can fill the hole in my heart that he occupied."

-x-

Yui looked at the picture of Shinji and Asuka from when they were a year younger, seeing how the boy seemed so happy with the redhead…and then looked at the scorched spot on the floor where nothing remained of the boy. She wept. Her memories of forcing him to take medication he never needed, ignoring him on the days and night that she should've did what her role in his life requested of her to do, and then that day of coming home and seeing him immolating himself until not even ashes were salvageable.

I had never been much of a believer in the gods, she thought, sitting on Shinji's bed, but if there's anyone out there listening to this failure of a mother, I only have this request. Please…please…have mercy on my son's soul. Please, don't let him suffer on the other side of life. What he did was reprehensible, but he did so out of love for a young girl that cared for him more than I ever could've. He doesn't deserve any retribution.

-x-

Over a week had gone by and Asuka was in the school nurse's office after collapsing in class. The nurse had informed her that the cause of her collapse was her monthly visitor and that some rest would make her feel better (as well as her birth control pills), but Asuka felt like this discovery was like another nail in Shinji's nonexistent coffin or another reminder that there were no remains of him anything on this plane of existence.

Why? She wondered as she cried quietly on the medical bed. Why?

While some young girls would view their period as just another mark on their path to womanhood, Asuka felt only more heartache. In truth, she dreaded it coming back after Shinji died. She had been hoping that her period wouldn't come, that she had gotten pregnant by Shinji; she didn't care about any stigma she might've been dealt as a consequence, so long as she had a part of Shinji with her, not just her memories of him.

"Asuka?" Her foster sister, Rei, showed up and approached the medical bed she was on. "Are you alright, Asuka?"

"I'm fine," she lied, but then had to own up to her feelings about part of her lie. "I just miss Shinji."

-x-

One Year Later

Asuka, after having a whole year to silently grieve over her lover's death, was now heading over to the Ikari house to speak with Yui and Anzu on this anniversary day they lost the young man in their lives as she rode her bike. A whole year of grieving, crying silently in the night, of remembering only the best of moments spent with a young man that had captured her heart. She was hoping that after so many months, Yui would finally speak with her and they could cross that bridge that she had suspected the woman held back from due to being so intimate with her son.

Then, either an act of fate or because she felt the need to turn her head right as she rode down the curved street on her way to the Ikari house, she saw a young man that, against all aspects of life, against all astronomical odds, bore an uncanny resemblance to Shinji Ikari! He was accompanied by an older girl, two older men and a small woman with a weird face. For a brief instant, their glances crossed, as if reading each other's expressions…and both were of some sort of surprise, as though they had seen a ghost or something from their past. And then…time resumed for them as Asuka's bike sped away, the girl turning her gaze back onto the road in front of her.

He looked so much like him, she thought, trying to process what she saw. Probably my heart playing tricks on my perception again. Just because someone looks similar to someone you know and love doesn't mean they've come back from the dead. That's just wishful thinking.

But even if it was just wishful thinking and not an act of fate, she felt a little better seeing someone that looked a little like Shinji. It was…a pleasant feeling of elation.

To be continued…

A/N: Man, I'll say that this was somewhat difficult to write in words. You got the C-Asuka devastated by C-Shinji's death, C-Yui blaming herself for her son's suicide because she had neglected him, and Anzu grieving at a calm rate over the loss while trying to keep her daughter from crossing another line. In however way you choose to perceive it, all three women in C-Shinji's life are hurting over his death and the arrival of E-Shinji and his connection to C-Shinji's disembodied soul seems like a return from the dead, even if one of them is from another universe.