Italics- Memory
Regular- Guardians
Childish Snow, Chapter Twenty-One: Sinking of a Ship
Thanks to the 700th reviewer, ObsidianLove.
They frowned as they hovered in the air over a canyon, their eyes wide. What scared them the most, though was that the 'canyon' was a canyon of water, an endless expanse of coming and going of gentle waves and rough sea spray. It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was crazy. Especially for those who couldn't fly on their own, like North or Bunny.
They'd never seen anything like it before. The chunks of ice dotting the horizon, the crash and pull of the waves, the moon shining high in the sky above. Things were crazy. Things were wrong. But they were perfect all the same.
The wind swirled around them as they hovered, wondering why they were there. It was much to their surprise that they saw a boy on an iceberg, knees drawn up to his chest, and his head buried in them. It was a boy wearing a pair of long brown pants, no shoes, and a blue hoodie with a head full of shockingly white hair.
"Guardians," said Manny. "Jack is around two hundred here."
It was, to no one's surprise, Jack. Their Jack. But a Jack of the past. As they got closer, they noticed his discontent. More like agony. He seemed to believe that he was alone out on the ice field, and he was crying and sobbing quietly. They wondered what brought him so much agony, agony that he most definitely didn't deserve.
Jack sobbed into his knees, rocking back and forth as he hugged himself, trying to regain his composure. He couldn't believe what had happened… what he had done. Would things always be like that? He wasn't certain, but by the lord, he hoped not. Things just couldn't stay that way, they had to change.
"Oh my moon," Tooth breathed, her hand flying up to cover her mouth. "Jack, are you okay, sweetie?"
Jack found it in him to roll his eyes. "Tooth, you seem to be forgetting that these are memories. Memories, and at the moment I'm perfectly fine," he offered her a small smile.
Tooth nodded, lightly touching his shoulder. "I know, Jack… but I worry about you," she told him.
Jack froze. He still couldn't believe that people worried about little old him- Jack Frost, Spirit of Winter and hard core loner- when they saw him upset, or hurt. It was a new, unfamiliar sensation… but not one he could say he didn't like. It was nice in way, it made his heart feel warm and it became easier to smile, to laugh, to play. Everything becomes that much easier when you have family.
"Thanks, Tooth," he smiled weakly. "I worry about you too."
Tooth laughed. "No need, sweetie. I promise you."
North smiled at him from his position floating in the air, and took a tentative step forward. "Nor I, Jack. We worry about you."
Jack offered them a smile. "But isn't that what friends do?"
He thought of them as his family, sometimes, but he wasn't going to voice it. Because it didn't matter. It really didn't matter. What if they didn't feel the same way? Oh Moon, that would be terrible. No, it was better to bide his time and wait patiently for one of them to approach him.
Sandy squeezed his hand and Jack smiled gratefully at him. "Thank you," he whispered, thanking him for something none of the others understood.
Sandy just smiled and winked as if to say it was no problem.
That poor little girl couldn't stay there. It didn't matter that she couldn't see him. It didn't matter that he'd never heard of her before in his life. It didn't matter that he didn't feel anything towards her other than pity. What mattered was that she was being abused. And that was something he would not tolerate.
But even so, he was still regretting his actions, wondering if he had gone too far. His heart was telling him he hadn't. But his mind was telling him he was. He was swamped in guilt, and he could barely breathe through it. It was like he was drowning in a sea of his own actions.
He liked to be in control, but at the moment, he most certainly was not. It was disturbing and crazy but he wasn't and he knew it. It was scary. Not many people knew what it felt like to be partly in control, but not one hundred percent. He was one of them.
It was like there was this… demon or something, lurking at the back of his mind, always ready to take over. Always waiting. It was a daunting and terrifying notion, yet it was one he had to deal with. One he had to deal with daily.
He didn't notice the ship approaching, which was rather odd, to be honest. I mean, taking in the fact that it was humongous and loud and had steam puffing out of it all over, shooting up and blanketing the skies in misty grey.
North's eyes narrowed. "Oh," he said softly, which was odd for the large Russian man. "Jack, I am sorry."
And he was, he really, really was. He wished he could go back in time and change his actions towards him, but he knew that wishing didn't make things reality, no matter how hard he wished. It just wouldn't happen and he had to accept that. But that didn't mean he couldn't try.
Jack shrugged. "It's fine," he didn't even see what North was apologizing for.
Bunny's eyes narrowed, and he would have made some sort of snappy remark, but in seeing Jack's side of things, he was starting to realize how unfair he was being to the boy. He vowed, once this whole memory viewing business was over with, to sit Jack down for a long chat, just the two of them.
Heavens' knew they needed it. Because they actually, honestly did. It didn't seem to be a big deal, but it was. They needed to sit down and chat, just the two of them. And they would. Just not right now… maybe not for a while.
Tooth eyed the ship curiously. "Titanic?" She muttered, her face pale as she stared at it. "Oh my…" She let her voice trail off, unaware of what she wanted to say. There was a lot she could say, of course, but how would it come out? She wasn't quite sure, and she didn't want to offend Jack or anything.
Because something told her it wasn't his fault, and she knew that. She knew that Jack couldn't be blamed, and that was fine with her. It rang true and as long as Jack was alright, then she would leave it alone. But they would chat later, about this and many other subjects. They just had to.
Sandy squeezed Jack's hand again and they smiled at each other. Because even though the circumstances were sad, the result was sad, this was one of the few nights they got to spend together, before Jack became a Guardian. Because Jack knew already, as did Sandy, that they were family.
That was unfortunate, as he had come out here to be alone. He had come out here so that he could unleash his powers without hurting anyone. Normally, this would have been the perfect location. I mean, how many people go out to the middle of the Canadian Atlantic ocean, of all places? In the middle of the night?
As far as Jack could remember, none. And he had been there many, many times. It was a very odd- and bad- coincidence that the one time he was too upset to reign in his powers that a ship was crossing the ocean. It was also bad that he was too far out of it to notice it. Because maybe then all this hurt and calamity could have been prevented.
What would happen tonight would be remembered by mortals for all time. Tonight, the unsinkable miracle ship Titanic would sink, and thousands would die. But we're not focusing on the suffering of the humans, though it was numerous and it should never be forgotten. We're focusing on the suffering of one lone winter sprite.
Jack sniffled and sobbed as the icebergs in the water around him increased and increased and increased, growing bigger and bigger and bigger.
He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe. He was so sick and tired and he just wanted a reprieve, a break, a way for him to relax and let go and cry. But he couldn't have that, he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve lots of things, and crying was one of them. But there he was, crying his eyes out on an iceberg. So why did he get a reprieve now, however slim?
He would decide, later, that it was a punishment from the fates. And he wouldn't be entirely wrong.
The ship, now revealed to be the 'S.S. Titanic' by the paint lettering on the side of the ship bigger then some small towns, came closer and closer to where Jack rested on the iceberg, and yet he still didn't notice.
"Why me?" He said sobbingly, looking up at the bright moon. "Why me? What did I do that was so bad? Because I'm sorry, oh Merlin, I'm sorry. Please, make this stop. I don't care how you do it, but please, make it stop."
"This," he pronounced firmly, despite the tears streaming from his eyes and running down his cheeks and the way his body shook like a leaf in the wind, "is worse then death."
"Jack," Tooth gasped. "You don't actually feel that way, do you?"
Jack looked to think about it, running a hand through his white hair. "Tooth… I don't know, I really don't. But I think that things are getting better now, I really, honestly, do. And for that, I'm grateful, very grateful."
Tooth smiled in relief. "You know we're always here, don't you?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah… I do."
But anyone could see he didn't believe it, and they wanted to change that… badly. But for now they would have to show him that he could trust them. And they weren't sure how easy that would be to do.
The iceberg he was on increased dramatically in size within three seconds, and suddenly he was screaming as the iceberg shook. It was only then that he truly looked up and saw the ship. He froze in shock. No! No! This couldn't be happening, it just couldn't. It must be a dream!
The Guardians froze.
"Oh my moon," whispered Tooth.
Bunny let out a low breath, his eyes wide and ears drooping. The hope that died that night, the dreams for the future. He really, really didn't want to get into them. Because then even more hope would be lost.
It would be a terrible tragedy, it had been a terrible tragedy, but people had moved on. And for that, he was glad, very glad, extremely glad. Because he didn't know how much of that hopelessness he could take.
North was shell-shocked. Not in a bad way, but it the 'am I really seeing this happen again?' way. It hurt him to know that something like this had happened… under his watch. He should have been there for Jack and then this whole disaster could have been prevented.
Sandy just smiled sadly, clutching Jack's hand tighter.
But he knew it wasn't a dream, and that he had to face reality. He stared at the gaping hole in the side of the ship and realized that this was the Titanic, the miracle ship, the unsinkable one. He had done the impossible, and sunk the unsinkable.
He had to help somehow, he just had to! But how? Oh! He flew down and began to attempt to freeze the hole over, but after five minutes even he could tell he was just making it worse.
North told him, with a hint of surprise. "Never knew you tried to help, Jack."
Jack nodded, slightly hurt. "Yeah, yeah I did. I just… couldn't not… not when it was all my fault."
He ran his free hand through his hair, thinking. It wasn't a nice feeling to know that you were totally alone in the world, and then had just caused one of the biggest tragedies in human history. If he had been able to control his powers, to notice the ship, to not be as weak as he had been, then maybe things would've been different. But they hadn't been and he had to accept that, unfortunately.
Bunny had to reassess the whole situation. Okay, so Jack had caused a huge disaster and then tried to help? He told him softly. "You did good, mate."
Jack froze at the rare compliment from the Pooka. "Uh… thank you?" It was more like a question, because if it weren't for him then the whole situation could have been avoided and those people would still be alive.
"Ya did what any ah' us woulda done," said Bunny with a slight smile.
Jack found himself nodding at him, wondering about the two sixty in his attitude.
Like he always did. Because he was a no good winter sprite and that was they did. They made it worse and murdered and killed. He didn't deserve to live and he knew it. He didn't know what to do but fly and around and try to alert someone- anyone!- to the problem. But even if he could be seen, he doubted they would believe him. After, the Titanic was called the unsinkable.
He had killed tonight. And there was not one damn thing he could do. Tears dripped down his cheeks at a faster rate, and he wondered if maybe he should wait on the ship, if maybe he should drown too. It was only fair if he died with them.
He landed on the deck of the ship and contemplated and thought and wondered, barely seeing the chaos around him. He didn't know, but he did know at the same time. It was so confusing and uncertain he just didn't know.
He deserved to die, didn't he? He would make it better for everyone that way. But at the same time- he was just beginning to live. Sure, it had been two hundred years, around, but he really hadn't yet lived. To die now would be like dying in the womb- dying before you really lived.
Tooth froze. "Jack," she said, her voice soft but deadly. "Just what were you doing?"
"I was doing what any decent person would have been doing," Jack said with a sigh and a bitter laugh. "Wondering if I should have gone down with the ship."
"Oh, Jack," Tooth said, her voice and eyes pained. "I'm so, so sorry."
He would have argued, maybe told her she had nothing to be sorry for, but he didn't think that was a smart idea, not at all. So he nodded and smiled at Sandy, who had a gentle smile on his features. Jack and Sandy… they were cut from the same cloth. It might not have been identical… but it was pretty close. And neither was afraid to show it.
And he didn't want that for himself, not at all. So no matter how bad he felt about it, he zoomed away. He had to get away from the death and destruction and horror and sadness that he had wrought. No one else. Him. All him. All Jack Frost's fault.
And it hurt like he had never thought he could ever hurt, it hurt in his heart and his chest and his head and his brain and his arms and his legs, it hurt all over in that painful pins and needles sort of way.
He felt sick, ready to throw up and just roll over and die, because what else could he do? It was his fault, all his, and did he know it. He was a murderer and it just wasn't fair. Not to him or the people or anyone at all.
A red speck appeared in the distance, but he didn't notice, even as he heard the calls to 'Halt!' and 'Wait!'.
Back at the red speck, which, as you got closer, turned out to be a sleigh, a Russian man cursed loudly in Russian as he muttered, his eyes flashing. "Jack Frost."
That was the day that Jack's name at the top of the naughty list was circled in red and the day his name was added to the book of potential enemies.
"North!" Jack exclaimed. "I… didn't know you were there."
North nodded. "Was. Sorry, Jack," he apologized again.
Jack sighed. "It's okay, North, really. I wouldn't have told you that if I didn't mean it."
"No…" North looked down. "I thought you were spirit causing malicious trouble… pegged you as enemy. Sorry."
To his surprise, Jack laughed weakly. "You knew nothing about me and saw me zooming away from massive carnage. North, stop beating yourself up over that. What were you supposed to think?"
North smiled, but said nothing. He was relieved that the weight was finally off his shoulders for that rash judgement so many years ago, and he knew Jack was right. What was he supposed to think?
Jack ran to Antarctica, his hiding place, his little sanctuary. He couldn't comprehend the destruction that had happened in front of him, the uncertainty, the heartache and tragedy. He couldn't believe that it was all his fault, even though it was.
Everything was always his fault. It had to be, like always. But he didn't want to believe it, though it knew it to be true. He just didn't want to. He didn't want to believe he was a murderer, even though he was. That was the sad truth of it. He was a murderer, but he didn't want to believe it.
He didn't mean to kill anyone, ever, but it was his job, and the way he hardly had any control over his powers. His wrists ached and he almost gave in, but he shook his head and murmured weakly. 'No."
They exchanged glances. What was that about? It was rather suspicious, and he knew it, they knew it. What was going on, what had that been?
Sandy had his suspicions, but who could blame the child? No one, that's who.
The others remained clueless, much to Sandy's surprise. But even he wasn't sure he was right. And he definitely hoped he wasn't. It could have been something else, and Sandy prayed for that.
Jack winced nervously, biting his lip and glancing at the ground. Please, please, let no one catch on, he pleaded inwardly. Because that, he knew, would turn out disastrous.
He was just so scared, though he didn't know why. It wasn't he who was dying, though he would have gladly given his life for the life of the people in question. He would have given his life to save just one extra person's.
But as always, Jack Frost was helpless and couldn't do a thing. Because he was invisible and unseen and unheard. He was, generally, unimportant. He couldn't think of a single person who cared about him, and while that wasn't surprising, it still hurt. Of course, there was Phil, and there was Sandy, but no one else.
Never anyone else. He had resigned himself to that fact by now, accepting it as the bitter truth and moving on. Because what else could he do?
In the face of a world who didn't want him, of a world who turned their backs on him, there was nothing else to do. Nothing but move on and hope for the best. It was too bad Jack was a pessimist. Because what hope does someone have when they have no hope left?
The answer, as all of those with a brain know, is none. He might still have had hope if it hadn't been ripped cruelly away from him, taken and crushed before they had a chance to fly. But they had and that was that. No point in dwelling on the past.
Unless you're dwelling on all of his mistakes, of which there were many and most proved fatal to a good many people. But he didn't want to think about that right now. He wished he had a good book to keep his mind off things… but he didn't deserve a novel, an escape, a reprieve. He deserved to be told off and hurt and killed himself. That was the truth and that was the way things would stay. He wasn't stupid enough to try to convince himself of things that never happened. Of good things that would clear his record and make things turn for the best. Because there was no point in living in a dreamland, either.
Jack had no idea how long he had been sitting there, on top of that mountain, tears running down his cheeks from his lifeless eyes as he thought and yelled at himself, trying to make himself understand what he had done. But he did know, he did understand. He just wanted himself to suffer more for it. More then he already was.
So he was significantly shocked when suddenly he wasn't sitting on the ice cold mountain, but instead a fluffy golden cloud of dreamsand, being stared at sadly by a little golden man, known as the Sandman to the children.
"SANDY?!" The older Guardians, minus Sandy, of course, hollered.
Sandy waved sheepishly at them, half-hiding behind Jack.
Jack blinked before shrugging, what could you do, right? It was no big deal, he knew. They were just surprised. Very, very surprised. So he laughed.
"Yeah," he answered. "Sandy and I knew each other before I became a Guardian. He was always there for me, when he could be."
He had hoped to head off some of their questions before they were even asked, and at the moment, he looked to be succeeding. He was glad.
The others glanced at each other, before deciding they weren't too shocked. After all, was it really that farfetched? Though it may seem so at first, it really wasn't. Sandy and Jack were loners, more then the rest of them, and that was the truth.
They had obviously ran into each other a bit. Quite a bit.
"S-Sandy!" Jack stammered, clearly in an incredible state. "Please, Sandy, don't be angry, I didn't mean to, I swear!"
But much to his surprise, the man didn't seem angry, well, not at him, anyway. He found that rather odd, but he decided not to comment. His eyes stung and he hurt, he hurt badly, he had no energy or will to argue a moot point at this very moment, he just didn't. It wasn't meant as an offence, his silence, it was just the silence of someone who has nothing to say.
He looked over Sandy's head, waiting for the pictures to appear. But to his shock, they never came. Instead, the message came in the hand stroking his hair, the gentle hug from the small golden man. Jack felt his eyes sting with tears again from this simple act of kindness, one he didn't get often.
Sandy was busy, very busy, but he was always there for Jack, whenever he was able. He was one of Jack's few friends, though he was more like that favourite uncle that you see once every blue moon. Jack was really grateful for it.
Looking into Sandy's eyes, he could almost feel the unspoken message. 'Rest now, Jack. You need it. Sleep with me tonight, it's okay.'
Jack nodded, laughing slightly as Sandy created a dreamsand bed for him and promptly deposited him on it. He noticed as he lay there, trying to sleep, that he felt odd. Examining it further, he noticed that he felt safe, happy, content. He rarely felt those things, and it made him very, very happy to feel them now. It wouldn't happen soon, he knew, but it would happen eventually. Eventually, he would have a family.
"Aw," Tooth cooed sweetly, smiling at the sight before her. No wonder Sandy and Jack were so close- they knew each other more then they knew anyone else. Sandy had been there for Jack when no one else had even given him a second glance. She wished it could have been her, but since it hadn't been, Sandy was a good choice as well, she was sure.
The others all shot her annoyed glances- couldn't she be quiet for a minute instead of cooing over every little thing? It could get very, very annoying. But then again, they were all used to it by now.
He closed his eyes and his breathing evened out and heart beat slowed. He may not be okay right now, but he could, just for a little while, forget. And that was one of the most valuable things in the world to Jack.
"Thank you, Sandy," he whispered, before succumbing to the blackness of sleep. That night, he dreamed of exquisite snowball fights, of snow forts, of laughing and playing with kids, of green eyed blonde haired girls, of little girls with brown hair and eyes, of a strange woman named Mother Nature, of fun times with Sandy, of times he spent alone, dancing through the winds and calling the snow.
He dreamed of cats and dogs and families, of what was on the other side of the window, the one uncrossable barrier, of the moon, huge and white in the sky, of a kind smile, a gentle touch, an overpowering hug. He dreamed of happy things, of things he'd always wanted, but never once was he scared or unhappy or sad.
That was the power of the Sandman, hero of the children and Guardian of Dreams. Most of the time, he was gravely underestimated, why, Jack couldn't fanthom, but he was. It was shocking and surprising, but it was the truth. He did so much more then just give children a fleeting burst of happiness, he protected them, he gave them a break, a reprieve. And though Sandy might not like to admit it, Jack was only a child.
A desperate, lonely child, but a child all the same. And he knew it, too. So why did he never act on it? He couldn't say.
Sandy stroked Jack's hair, as if to say, 'Sleep now, Jack. I'll be here when you wake.'
It was a sweet gesture, a very sweet one. And one that the snowy haired lad very much appreciated, he was sure. It seemed to Sandy that Jack didn't receive much affection, and he knew this to be true. Because Sandy knew Jack was invisible. And it hurt him, too.
Sandy glanced up at his long time friend, the moon. Or, more accurately, the man inside it. 'Tell me,' he beamed up telepathically to his friend, 'you have plans for him, right? This suffering won't be for naught? Because if that's the case, then I'll be taking him in myself, Tsar.'
The moon's glow got brighter, and he heard. 'No, it won't be, Sanderson. He needs this, the world needs this.'
Sandy didn't like it, not one bit, but how could he complain? He couldn't, and that was that, he knew. But still, it hurt him to see Jack in such a weak state. He couldn't do much, but he could give him tonight. And that was something that both Jack and Sandy would treasure till the end of their days.
Jack hadn't ever really done this much, because their paths rarely crossed, and even then, it was normally while either Sandy was extremely busy or Jack was in one of his good moods. It helped Sandy to know that he could comfort the boy, even if it was only for a little while.
Because it hurt him to see anyone on their own, but it hurt him most to see Jack that way, and he knew it. He wished he could just take Jack and smother him in his love, but he knew that wasn't possible. He wanted to take Jack with him on his dreamsand cloud and shelter him from the world, keep him sleeping, happy, safe, and content, forever. But he knew he couldn't do that, either.
Concerning Jack Frost, there were lots of things Sandy wished he could do but he couldn't. And he was used to that. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Because he knew better. Sure, it did, but he contented himself that one day he would be able to lavish his attention on the boy as much as he wanted.
Jack, he knew, was cut from hero material. He was brave, strong, and he had suffered. He was proud of him, though he couldn't show it. Primarily because he couldn't, he wouldn't understand. But when the day came that the boy stood by his side as an equal, he wouldn't be surprised. Because he would be waiting.
He would prove to be the only Guardian who even cared remotely about the boy before he became one of them. But the others would regret the fact that they never gave him a second glance in due time, Sandy was sure. His oldest friend did things for a reason, and he could see only one reason that he would do this.
Because Jack would one day join them. But he prayed that he didn't leave it too long, because that would be disastrous. Loneliness could do a lot to a person… including turn them to the dark. And that was a fate Sandy would give his life for Jack to avoid. Because he cared about the winter sprite more then he could or cared to admit.
When the time came, Sandy would be ready and he would welcome him with open arms. Because to Sandy, Jack was already family, he was better then family. He was the thing you never knew you needed yet you always wanted, and Sandy didn't resent that. Once Jack became theirs, he knew that he would never ever let him go again. Because Jack deserved better then that, and Sandy couldn't wait to give it to him.
He took a deep breath, and did something he hadn't done for decades. "Sleep well, Jack," his voice was soft and musical and somehow sleep inducing, with a pleasant tone and a comforting presence. All over the world, children shifted and whimpered in their sleep, brought to the brink of wakefulness before being ushered back into peaceful sleep.
But the one child who mattered tonight, the one sleeping in front of him, cuddled deeper under the blanket and a soft, happy smile crossed his face as his dreams got just that much more vivid, that much more happy.
"You talked?!" The four non mute Guardians asked with shock. "You talked! Wait… you can actually talk?"
Sandy just smiled mysteriously at them, and though they grumbled, they nodded with acceptance. There must be a very good reason why he didn't talk to them. And there was, though they didn't know it.
And Sandy smiled as he glanced up at the moon and pleaded with him to watch over the child when he couldn't. He pleaded with him to make the child feel safe, happy, and loved. It would be hard, it would be very nearly impossible, but it was what he wanted. He would find out near a hundred years later that his oldest friend hadn't listened to him, instead turning his back on the winter child until he had need of him. And that was something Sandy would and could never completely forgive.
The world swirled around them and they were back in the moonlit room that seemed to be the base, of sorts, of the spell or whatever it was that was allowing them to see his memories.
Tooth cooed. "Aw, that was so sweet."
Jack and Sandy shrugged, glancing at each other.
Everyone knew Tooth's words were just attempting to distract them from the first part of the memory, but it didn't help… not at all. And it probably wouldn't. Not now, not ever. Because how could it? It just wouldn't... and they knew it, even Tooth. But that didn't stop it from hurting any less, and they all knew that, too.
What was the past was the past, and though they might want to dwell on it, they had to accept they couldn't and move on. It was life.
But before they had too long to dwell on it, they were catapulted into the next memory. The next little piece of Jack's past. And when it was over, and they were all put together, maybe then they would be an actual family. Every single one of them hoped so.
I'm giving you the longest piece of fiction I've ever written, and I'm actually on time! Well, what do you guys have to say to that? This chapter is, I'm pleased to note, over 5,500 words, and took me three days and several hours to complete. I decided to be nice and post this anyway, even though I didn't get my twenty five reviews:( So you're all welcome! All chapters are now changed to the current format and updated, and the earlier ones have had the grammar mostly corrected, by the way.
Also, my AU fic is taking up quite a bit of my time now, so updates for this might be slightly late, but we're used to that, right? AND- the blizzard scene was not the Blizzard of '68. I've been dropping hints as to what's going to happen then since ages ago.. chapter fourteen I think I started?
So, please read, review, and let me know what you think!
Kisses,
Snow