Something I know something about: Goo Gone is amazing. It can get almost anything off your skin.
Something I know nothing about: Ford trucks and their engines, let alone the company's upcoming design plans.
Something I'm sure about: This was a hell of a lot of fun to write.
Chapter 21
Bella looked at Jasper, trying to find an answer to his question. "I...well, Mstislav...and then Carlisle—"
"Bella?"
"Yes?" she asked, her voice sounding very weak.
"Where is Agent Vlodak right now?"
"At the cabin?"
"Is that a question or an answer?" he asked, his voice stern.
"Carlisle took her to the cabin. I don't know if she's still there..."
Before her words were finished, Jasper had spun around and started running for the cabin.
"Jasper! Wait! You can't go back there! She mustn't see you!" Bella hollered, running after him.
Jasper stopped and waited for her. "She shouldn't have seen you, either, Bella! But she did. It's a little late, she's already seen too much."
"But...but Carlisle said he could fix it. She's really sick! He said he could make her believe it was all a hallucination. He said he could fix it, Jasper!"
Jasper considered this for a moment. "Well...if anybody could, it'd be Carlisle. He's had to clean up a lot of messes through the years. It would be better if we didn't have to kill her..."
"I don't want her to die," Bella said, miserable at the thought of playing a part in something that would lead to somebody's death—a death that could be traced back to her own actions and choices. It was almost as bad as draining somebody, without the feeling of euphoria to sort of counterbalance the guilt. "I couldn't leave her there... Mstislav...oh, God...!"
"Hey, hey! Don't! Come here," Jasper said, pulling her into a hug. "Why don't you tell me what happened. I don't want to kill her either, Bella, but you have to understand that sometimes that's necessary, to protect us all. Although I can't imagine a worse person to have stumbled upon us, so to speak. I'd like to smack that stupid werewolf. In fact, I think I will first chance I get."
Bella managed to get the bare basics of the story out fairly quickly. Jasper was quiet for a few minutes, considering her words. "Well...here's what we're doing. We're going back, and I will speak to Carlisle—without showing myself to the human—and find out if he's got things under control."
"You won't kill her?"
"Not immediately," Jasper said, his voice grim. "Not unless there's no other choice. Don't worry, Bella, Carlisle can work wonders on humans. Although, I wonder...Mstislav is still there, so that could take this mess to a whole 'nother level."
"But the Volturi are gone. We don't have to kill her."
"The law was—is—a sound one, Bella. Just because the Volturi are gone, it doesn't mean we shouldn't maintain secrecy. Surely you can see that."
"Yeah," she said, still quiet. "I can see it. I just—"
"I know. Come on, let's go back now."
Bella took his proffered hand and they ran slowly back towards the cabin.
~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~
Peter was coming.
Emmett wasn't quick enough. Before he could take off to intercept Peter, a dismayed Esme was opening the door, Christina right behind her. "Sorry," she mouthed to Carlisle and Emmett, who had, fortunately, halted his flight before Christina could see him disappear.
"Agent Vlodak says she's ready to leave whenever you are, Carlisle. And Mstislav says he's finished up the job on the roof and can be packed and ready to go in just a few minutes," Esme said brightly, her tone and words not matching the panic that was starting to show in her eyes.
"Well, as soon as, um, Rose gets back with the Tahoe, we can go," Carlisle said. At that moment, they could all hear the roar of the vehicle as it pulled up in front of the house, screeching to a halt and sending gravel flying.
"Is that her?" Christina asked.
"Sounds like it," Carlisle said, striding through the house to the front door. He hoped against all hope that Alice was not in the truck.
"Sounds like she's in a hurry," Christina observed, hot on Carlisle's heels, along with Esme, Emmett, and Mstislav.
"Sounds like it," Carlisle agreed. In a lower voice, unheard by the human, he added, "Alice, if you're in that truck, I swear to God you better hide."
"Rose!" he shouted as he left the cabin, trailing his parade behind him, "how many times have I told you not to do that? Tires are neither cheap nor easy to come by out here!"
Rose was already circling around the front of the truck, and she rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Dad. I'll try to remember next time. Here are your groceries." She held out two grocery sacks, and Carlisle had no choice but to take them. Without looking, he transferred them to Esme, who was standing behind him. He could hear the truck getting closer, almost to the driveway now. Thankfully, Peter did not appear to be an overly fast driver.
"Thank you, sweetheart," Carlisle said, trying not to grit his teeth. "Why don't we all go in the house and get some coffee while we wait for Mstislav to pack his things?"
"Oh, you're leaving us?" Rose asked the werewolf, her tone overly sweet.
"Yes. My work here is done," Mstislav said, his eyes not leaving Christina. She, for her part, did not appear to notice his stare. She was too busy looking around in interest. "I'm going back to Tok to see about some job leads there."
Rose rolled her eyes. "Well, good luck with that. It's been nice knowing you."
To Carlisle and Emmett's distress, nobody was moving particularly fast back towards the cabin. In fact, the only one that had moved at all was Mstislav, who had headed down the lane to his cabin, presumably to pack his belongings up in anticipation of his imminent departure.
"What is wrongwith you?" Rose hissed at Emmett.
"Peter is almost here," Emmett said softly. "I was going to intercept him, tell him to keep going, but it's too late now. He's already in the driveway."
"Oh, for Christ's sake!" Rose snapped. "I'm sure the man has sunglasses on him. He and Charlotte have made it this long without detection." She turned to hiss quietly at Mstislav, who had apparently decided to re-join them and was now standing too close to her.
"Where's your truck?" Christina asked Carlisle.
"My truck?"
"Your truck. You were driving a truck in Tok. You're all here, but there's no truck."
"Oh..." Even the human could hear the truck by now, and before Carlisle could get any further in his answer, the truck itself came into view, bouncing down the rutted drive. "A neighbor borrowed it," Carlisle said, loud enough for the vampires in the approaching truck to hear. "And speaking of neighbors, here are Charlotte and Peter now, returning it."
"Charlotte, Peter...and a friend," Emmett said quietly, seeing that there were three figures in the truck.
"Shit!" Esme said. "Who is that? And why did Peter have to bring him back now? His timing sucks!"
Everybody, including Christina, turned to look at her in shock.
"Crap. Did I say that out loud?" Esme asked.
"Oh, yeah..." Rose said, not bothering to hide her feral smile. "Where is that popcorn?"
The truck pulled to a stop and Peter hopped out, evidently oblivious to the human in their midst. Or maybe, Carlisle would reflect later, he just didn't care.
"Carlisle!" Peter said. "I know you didn't want anybody brought back here, but you have to hear what he has to say, and I thought it would be better to bring him here in case...well, anyway, this is—"
An enraged roar came from the woods beside the cabin, and Jasper—naked and still covered in sap and various detritus—came running out of the woods. Screaming in rage, he ripped the door of the truck off and dragged the strange vampire out of it, throwing him across the yard before attacking again.
"Natan," Peter finished.
Before anyone, including the vampires, could really process what they were seeing, an equally naked and sap-covered Bella came running into the yard.
"STOP HIM!" she shrieked. "Oh, my God, Jasper, STOP IT! Don't kill him! He was only trying to help! Don't hurt him!" She ran towards the fighting vampires, who were nothing more than a blur of motion accompanied by animal snarls and roars.
Peter was quicker, though, and grabbed her around the middle, dragging her back to the group. She struggled to get free, but he was larger and stronger and had her wrapped securely in his arms. "Oh, no you don't, Miss Bella. Stay out of this."
"He's going to kill him!" Bella wailed. "And he was only trying to help me the only way he could!"
"Is that the same Natan...?" Carlisle asked Peter.
"Yep. Best to just let them fight this out," Peter said firmly. A strange look came over his face and he looked down at the struggling vampire in his arms. "Why are you naked, Miss Bella? And what the hell do you have all over you? Is that...tree sap...and...stuff?" he said, sounding disgusted.
"It's tree sap," Alice confirmed, appearing in their midst. "They broke a tree. Jasper never would listen to reason in those situations, I swear."
"Alice!" Carlisle said, annoyance clear in his voice. "What are you doing here?"
Alice shrugged. "It's a lost cause, Carlisle. It's Swami Dave all over again. No sense pretending otherwise. And I wasn't about to miss out on this fine sight of man candy fighting on the front lawn."
Bella shrieked louder, in anger this time, and turned in Alice's direction.
"Oh, calm down, Bella! I'm not after your mate," Alice said, disgust in her voice. "I'm just admiring the view. And there's no reason for me not to admire – certainly not to just to keep up some pretense that flew out the window the minute Jasper caught scent of Natan in his territory. Really, Peter, what the fuck were you thinking bringing him back here with you? Not that I'm complaining... He's definitely got potential."
"Alice!" Esme said, clearly shocked.
Alice shrugged again. "It is what it is, Esme. And if Jasper doesn't dismember and burn him first, I might just want to get to know this Natan a little better."
"Alice!" Emmett said, sounding more shocked than Esme had.
"Oh, give me a break, Emmett!" Alice snapped. "It's been over TWO FREAKIN' YEARS! And a girl's got needs," she said, mimicking his words from a few years earlier, her voice a perfect imitation of his lower bass tones.
"Please!" Bella begged, her attention back on the fighting vampires. "Can't you stop them?"
Peter ducked as an appendage—it looked to be Natan's hand—came flying past his head, hitting a startled Mstislav in the face. Mstislav reacted as if he'd been burned, grabbing the hand and throwing it into the bushes behind them. "No, I don't think that's a good idea. Not at all. Jasper will either burn him when he's done or not. That's when you can plead your case, Miss Bella. Until then, leave it be. Jasper's got a lot of pent up anger towards Natan. It shouldn't take much longer now. I warned Natan he wouldn't be a match for your Jasper."
The pair had circled the yard now, forcing the group of spectators to rotate a bit and move back towards to the porch. Suddenly Natan was thrown into the front of the truck, causing a sickening metallic crunch. When he fell to the ground, the left front quarter panel followed him, along with bits and pieces from the engine inside.
"God dammit, Jasper!" Rose shouted. "I can't fix that!"
"Oh, let it go, Rose," Emmett said. "We'll be getting a new one, anyways. You know you don't like having to match paint, and that door was a total loss the instant Jasper pulled it off. Maybe we should go with a Ford next time. I read where they're going to be coming out with a new fuel injection engine."
"Hmph! Maybe. I'll look into it." Rose seemed momentarily distracted from the fight.
Throughout the whole conversation, Christina was slowly backing away from the group. Suddenly, though, Charlotte appeared behind her, stopping her would-be escape.
"I wouldn't try leaving just yet, Agent Vlodak," Charlotte said quietly, a hint of a threat in her quiet voice.
"Are you threatening my mate?" Mstislav's equally quiet—and threatening—voice came from the other side of the agent.
"Not a bit," Charlotte said. "But she's not leaving here any time soon."
"I think I'll be the one to decide that," Mstislav growled.
That got Peter's attention. Not letting go of Bella, he dragged her along when he leapt to Mstislav's side. "You better back away from my mate, wolf."
"Tell her to back away from mine, then, vampire. She won't be your meal today—or ever!" Mstislav growled, shoving Peter hard enough to send him back a step. Bella wasn't expecting either of the sudden movements, and she squealed in distress.
Jasper was immediately by her side, all thoughts of destroying Natan forgotten. He wrenched Bella out of Peter's grip and yanked her behind him, causing her to squeal again. "Back off, assholes!" he snarled at both of them.
"Hey, I didn't hurt her," Peter snarled at Jasper. He didn't take his eyes off Mstislav, though, and he advanced toward the werewolf. Mstislav pulled Christina roughly behind him but stood his ground, glaring up at Peter. The vampire was considerably taller than him, and much more powerful—at least at this point—but Mstislav didn't seem to care.
"Well, you sure were draggin' her all over!" Jasper growled.
Peter turned away from Mstislav to stare at Jasper in disbelief. "I didn't really have much choice, now did I? She's coated all over with sticky shit! She's a walking glue stick! What the hell were you two doing out there?"
"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Jasper screamed at him, causing Peter to step back in surprise.
"Jasper," Carlisle said, "just calm down. Nobody is trying to hurt Bella."
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" Jasper roared. "He was touching her!"
Bella wrenched away from Jasper's grasp. "He was trying to protect me, Jasper, from you and Natan!" Her eyes narrowed at him and her voice dropped to an angry hiss. "And if it's touching that's set you off, well..." She turned slowly to glare at Alice.
"Hey, I didn't touch him!" Alice protested.
"But you did!" Bella hissed, dropping into a crouch. "Under the place in town. I was there. I saw you! I smelled you on him!" She was spitting venom now, and it was hard to understand her words.
"Jasper!" Carlisle said sharply. "Stop projecting! This is getting out of hand!"
"We already had this fight!" Alice shrilled. "And I've got the scars to prove it! I wasn't touching him like that, he was touching me!"
Bella's growl deepened.
"NOT LIKE THAT! He was trying to drag me out!" Alice protested louder.
Before Jasper could grab her, Bella launched herself at Alice. They rolled across the grass and slammed into Natan, who had—up to that point—been frantically looking for his missing hand while the rest of the Cullens were otherwise engaged. Natan went down with a howl of pain, but he was able to quickly flip himself out of their way, his missing hand grasped in his still-attached one.
"Fight, fight, fight, fight!" Emmett chanted gleefully under his breath, but he quickly shut up when Jasper's fist slammed into his nose.
"Hey, asshole!" Rose shrieked. "Leave my husband out of this, you fucker!"
"Tell your husband to keep his fucking mouth shut!"
"I don't have to tell him anything!" Rose hissed in Jasper's face.
"Don't pick a fight with me, Rose," Jasper warned.
"Don't threaten my wife," Emmett said, stepping between them.
"Then keep her out of this!" Jasper shouted at him.
"Or what?" Emmett asked. "You'll smear sap on her?"
"This isn't funny!" Jasper shouted.
"You know, it sorta is..." Peter began.
"SHUT UP, PETER!" several voices chorused.
A loud squeal of pain caused them all to draw up short.
"Wow..." Emmett said. "She really does sound like a raccoon in heat. You weren't joking, Carlisle!"
Carlisle looked up from where he and Esme had been trying to help Natan re-attach his severed hand. Seeing that what had started out as wrestling, slapping, and hair-pulling had escalated to biting,he rushed over to his daughters.
Jasper joined him at the tumbling ball of fighting females and grabbed Bella by the waist, yanking her out of the fray. Carlisle grabbed Alice in a similar fashion and pulled her off the ground. Both women continued to thrash and struggle, trying to get at each other again.
"I do not sound like a raccoon in heat, you overgrown baboon!" Alice shrieked at Emmett.
"Um, well, you do...sort of," Peter offered, trying to be helpful.
"Not now, Peter!" Charlotte hissed, slamming her hand over his mouth.
"Oh, my God! You got that shit all over me, Bella! Is that...is that liver! I have liver in my hair now! What the hell were you two doing out there!" Alice was livid, pulling a gooey substance out of her hair and staring at it in horror.
Silence descended on the group.
"Liver? Dude...and you've had the gall to make snide comments about me and Rosie's blood play?" Emmett said, breaking the silence after a moment. He was clearly trying to decide whether he should be disgusted or impressed.
Bella giggled.
Alice looked at her in disbelief, then back down at her liver-covered hands. Then she started giggling, too. Soon, they were both lying in the dirt, giggling hysterically.
"You...you..." Alice gasped. "You have leaves all over you! And Jasper...Jasper looks like some sort of demented, blood-covered Nature Boy!"
Soon they were all laughing, to one degree or another. Well...most of them, anyway.
"Jasper, could I have a word with you?" Carlisle asked.
"Yes, sir," Jasper said, almost instantly at Carlisle's side.
Carlisle walked away from his laughing coven, Jasper close behind him. "Obviously our little problems have now escalated into much larger problems," Carlisle said, his voice barely loud enough for Jasper to hear.
"Yeah, about that...I just smelled Natan and lost it. I'm sorry. I know it's blown everything else up in our face."
Carlisle sighed. "The fuse on that was lit before you made your, um..." Carlisle looked Jasper up and down and smirked, "...very odd yet impressive appearance. Natan is the least of my concerns right now. I don't know him, but he does not appear to be getting ready to run."
They both turned to look at the vampire in question, who was hovering at the edge of the group, looking decidedly nervous.
"No, I think he'll be staying around," Jasper said, sounding pleased with himself. "He's been a vampire for a while, according to Peter. I think he knows well enough that if he runs before I'm done with him, it'll be the last thing he does."
"Yes, well, hold that thought, if you could. I admit I don't know quite what to do about our very human problem."
"She knows too much," Jasper said, his voice hardening. "It's fairly obvious what needs to be done, Carlisle. That stupid werewolf signed her death warrant by doing what he did."
Carlisle sighed. "We'll have to destroy both of them if we do that, and I hate to do that."
"He's got you just as hoodwinked as the rest of us," Jasper said, sounding aggravated now.
"I don't deny that, although I'd like to think this is about more than just satisfying my curiosity. Not that I'm not interested in seeing just how this would play out."
"You want me to do it?"
Jasper sounded more than willing, and he had a tight rein on any emotion that might accompany his offer, but Carlisle knew his "youngest" son well. "No. You may be my captain, but you're not my executioner."
Jasper shrugged. "It's not a problem."
"I think it is, Jasper. That's not a role I want you in, no matter how comfortable you feel in it."
"If this is guilt about what happened when you sent me to Texas last year—" Jasper began.
"No, it's not. You were the best man for that job," Carlisle said firmly. "But this one...any one of us is more than capable of cleaning this mess up, if that's the route I decide to go. But I haven't decided that yet. I need to think about it first. I want you to keep everyone here, in the cabin, until I get back. And Jasper?"
"Yes, Carlisle?"
"'Keep them in the cabin' is not a euphemism for 'kill the werewolf and the human', understand me?"
Jasper smirked. "Yes, sir." He turned and walked back to the group of vampires, who were still giving off heavy waves of amusement.
"I think I have another migraine," Carlisle announced, turning on his heel and marching into the woods.
"Oh, dear," Esme said, stifling her own laughter. Glancing around her at her still giggling family, she decided she had better follow her mate and see if he needed any help.
"I think I should take Christina inside," Mstislav said, looking worriedly down at the woman he held in his arms.
"What happened to her?" Rose asked, and the rest of them turned to look, having almost forgotten about the human.
"She passed out after Jasper punched your husband and broke his nose and it mended itself," Mstislav said stiffly. "Although she was already turning rather green at the sight of the newcomer's hand hitting me in the face."
"Oh. Yeah. Sure, go ahead, take her in," Rose said, waving towards the cabin. "Probably ought to get her a stiff drink if you can find one. Maybe Carlisle has some smelling salts or something in that bag of his. Feel free to search through it. You've already done it once, from what I hear."
"If she's gonna run with the big dogs," Peter said, watching Mstislav carry Christina up the porch stairs and into the cabin, "she better get used to this shit."
Nobody bothered to correct him or yell at him this time.
"I've been meaning to ask since you came tearing out of the forest—what the hell is that hanging off your pecker, Jasper?" Peter said, looking down at the organ in question. "Is that a condom?"
Jasper looked down. "Uh, no. That's some moose intestine. It's a long story."
Peter whistled. "Boy, you two are into some kinky shit..."
Bella turned to Rose, pretending to ignore Peter. Jasper could feel her embarrassment, though. "Rose," she said, trying to maintain some sense of dignity, "you wouldn't happen to know where Esme keeps the Goo Gone, do you?"
~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~AM~
A/N: I'd like to thank HammerHips for WC'ing with me during this chapter. Jasper can thank her for the idea of moose intestines on his pecker. Definitely one of the most fun scenes I've ever written.